YSaC, Vol. 1463: River City Random
free ransom stuff
Free,
Moving in the end of month, please let me know if you need it.
Sofa
37 Inch TV
plastic chairs
This can’t be stuff Sparky is holding FOR ransom, since he’s offering it to people for free. So it must be stuff that Sparky uses AS ransom. “Send me $26.44 or the plastic chairs will GET IT!” “I’m not afraid to slash this sofa unless you give me what I want!”
That doesn’t seem like a very effective ransom strategy. I think Sparky needs some holding-things-for-ransom lessons. Craigslist is obviously the place to look for that; maybe this will help:
Found voice
FOUND MISSING VOICE OF [RANDOM PERSON], I will hold said voice ransom for 1,000,000 peanuts for the next 24 hours!
If you ever wanna hear your voice again you know who to call…….o wait I have your voice, just use IPrelay and I want a women operator to do the negotiating, a female voice calms me when I spin into fits of RAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hmm. You know, never mind. This person’s negotiating strategy might actually be helped by threatening a plastic chair or two.
Thanks, and Taylor! (By the way, Taylor sent in the second ad in December of 2008. So if we haven’t gotten around to posting your submission yet, don’t fret! But keep the submissions coming — we rely on submissions for material!)
1,000,000 peanuts? Sparky II is obviously a monkey, which complicates dealing with Sparky I. It’s hard enough to find the exchange rate between peanuts and plastic chairs without having to worry about flying poo and negotiations off the record.
Before figuring the exchange rate between chairs and peatnuts you have to convert the chairs to concrete marshmallows, dress three Pekinese in minty green hoop skirts, and locate a cross-eyed woman named Maureen to handle the transaction or the whole thing becomes meaningless. And don’t allow for windage or the Communists win.
*ties goat to tree*
Always need marshmallows when I bring the goat, don’t you?
Wow. I didn’t even know they made lederhosen for goats.
Lederhosen for Goats is my Porno for Pyros cover band.
It’s way to early in the morning to be confusing me with monkey math.
It’s really quite simple, Camille…
You see one goat equals two fizzbins, so long as it’s NOT on a Tuesday when the wind is blowing from the southeasternnorth.
Don’t forget to carry over the croutons.
I wish Funky Monkey would come rescue us!
I know a two-eyed woman named Maureen. Does that help?
Can she cross her eyes while humming the Star Spangled Banner?
…and balance the croutons on her ear at the same time?
No, not.a.monkey. There aren’t very many peanuts Under the Sea, so they are quite valuable.
Sparky II is clearly Ursula the Sea Witch.
Why couldn’t Sparky II be an
ephalefalanpachyderm?Note to self: In the future, read all the comments to make sure someone else hasn’t already gone there…
Dear Ransom Sparky,
You keep using that word.
I don’t think it means what you think it means.
Swords,
Inigo
Dear VoiceThief Sparky,
Keep it.
Mime-ly,
Marcel
Best part of “Silent Film” is that Marcel has the only spoken line in the movie.
[movie corey] “Silent Movie”, not “Silent Film.” [/movie corey]
Aw, camille, now I can’t go edit it for him! Where’s the fun in that?
If you ever wanna hear your voice again you know who to call…….no texts or emails, please.
Sparky II obviously wants lots of heavy breathing type phone calls.
Okay, here’s my pitch for this year’s blockbuster thriller: She’s an ordinary IPreplay operator, living a normal life. Until one day… she gets called in to talk to a voice kidnapper! See, this guy is abducting people’s voices, because he hates male voices and only likes females’. He flies into fits of RAGE when he hears a male voice. Oh! And maybe every time he abducts a voice he gets louder and more powerful! Hostage negotiation thriller with a twist.
So this female IPrelay operator is brought in to talk him down, but she’s totally unprepared for his demands: Peanuts! Yeah, he wants 1 million peanuts! So she calls the city’s ballpark and gets in touch with the guy who sells peanuts there, maybe a little unexpected romance between her and the handsome peanut seller.
Then, in the climactic third act, the kidnapper takes HER voice, and now she has to negotiate WITHOUT it! Edge of your seat, right there. And then, to save her voice, the unbelievably kind peanut seller whom she just met but they are already in love, he trades his OWN voice to save hers! Major tear-jerker scene there, because she knows he’ll never be able to talk to her again, plus he’ll probably lose his job as a peanut-seller if he can’t call out “Who wants peanuts?” at the ballpark.
And finally, the shocking twist ending: The reason the kidnapper wants so many peanuts? Is he’s actually an ELEPHANT!
I’m thinking Halle Berry as the operator, George Clooney as the peanut salesman, and maybe Willem DaFoe as the elephant. Put Sam Jackson in there somewhere, too. Get M. Night to write the script and J.J. Abrams to direct.
Possible dialogue: “I’m sick and tired of all these mother-fricking men on the mother-fricking phone!”
It was all worth it to see Bruce Willis in sad mime makeup when they go try to find an expert negotiator.
Sweet clothespin Jeebus, the image that puts in my head is hilarious.
We have your misjay. If you ever wish to see it’s beautiful mine hors again, leave 32 canisters of partially used vintage crisco near Ish. Come alone and I’ll sell you back your misjay, take it for free.
RANSOM!!!!RANSOM!!!!RANSOM!!!!RANSOM!!!!RANSOM!!!!RANSOM!!!!RANSOM!!!!RANSOM!!!!
Without a voice, I guess I could try negotiating with sign language. Of course, there’s only one thing I know in sign language, and I don’t think Sparky would interpret it to be “You’re #1 in my book!”.
Wait, I’ve got it now. The… the middle one? Is that what you meant? Cut the middle one?
According to what my mother told me when I was a wee kitten, that particular gesture means “I think you are an excellent driver!”
I think the title of the first post suggests a different situation. He’s not giving up stuff he’s willing to destroy unless people pay him. He’s giving up stuff for which he overestimated the value and held for ransom, the owner of which was glad to see gone. He was obviously pissed that his money-making scheme failed because his neighbor wasn’t willing to pay the $10,000 in ransom Spark wanted for the dead-snake-infested sofa, 80’s era CRT tv with cracked screen, and shitty plastic chairs that had two major design flaws: a person would either stick to the chairs or receive 2nd-degree burns if the chairs sat empty outside and not under shade before use.
Therefore stuck with crappy stuff, Spark decided to make use of the online marketplace to get rid of the evidence of his efforts at ransom.
Ah, the Webb’s Wonder–which represents every ill of society in all the unrest a raw cabbage represents. The Outcry! The Protest! The going to the theatre manager and demanding a refund–even if you did not buy a cine ticket!
Je vois que vouz avez un chou.
Damned anarcho-communist hipster kidnappers.
Inner Grammar Guy was confused by the pronoun “it”, as “it” was not defined until later in the post. Seriously, I almost thought “it” was the end of the month, the deadline for Sparky’s free ransom ultimatum.
I also thought Sparky’s name was “Sofa”, and that he had the position of “37 Inch TV” with a company named “plastic chairs”.
IGG needs to go back into hiding.
Also, his friend Free has a cool name.
Beware the its of March, that is when the crappy furniture dies!
Kidnapper: Who is this?
Victim: …
Kidnapper: Hello? I can’t wait all day, I’m very low on peanuts and I’m waiting for a very important call.
Victim: …
Kidnapper: I don’t have time for this, wise guy.
(click)
Victim: …!
Dear Second Sparky,
What luck! I have, as it happens, recently lost my voice, and I am very interested indeed in hearing it again. You see, when I last had my voice, I sounded exactly like Sir Patrick Stewart. Give me that – I mean, my – voice back, and I will gladly pay you a million peanuts.
Make it so,
Dr. Digi
Sheesh! Have you people never kidnapped anyone and held them for ransom? Guess I got to explain it.
The plastic chair is what you tie/chain/secure the kidnappee to. Never use an upholstered chair – they’re a beyotch to clean afterwards. With plastic, you can just turn a hose on them and off comes the blood and/or other body wastes (trust me, there is always something).
The sofa and tv are to provide comfort and entertainment while you wait for the ransom to show up. You don’t think you’re going to get your ransom in fifteen minutes, do you? Nuhuh. It’s going to take awhile so might as well settle your butt down, get comfy and practice your Spanish while watching Telemundo.
Glad I could clear that up for you. You can leave my payment in a brown paper bag under the bushes next to the collection of glitter massage products. Unmarked bills or unopened 1970s cereal boxes only – no peanuts.
Is that 24 hours from the time you posted this or the time I read this or the time the voice’s owner reads this?
Or is that 24 hours from now? How ’bout now? No? Wait a sec. How about now? Now? Now? How about now? Can I start counting down the 24 hours now? How about now? Now? How about now? Now ???woN Just kidding. How about now? Do we still have 24 hours? No? How much time do we have left now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now?
Ok, 1,000,000 peanuts. Do I have to wait around until you count them all? Are we talking 1 million peanuts in the shell…so 1 million shells as well? Or are we talking 1 million individual peanuts already out of the shell? You know, some shells only have 1 peanut in them while others have 2 peanuts in them. And if they are out of the shell, will you accept two non-matching halves as a whole peanut, or do you require them to already be whole peanuts? Can they be raw? Do you want them roasted? Do you want them boiled? If I only have 999,986 peanuts, will you take a few corn nuts as substitutes? Is it ok for some of the peanuts to have some chocolate on them or do they need to be really clean? Because I licked as much chocolate off as I could.
How much time do we have now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Now?
Mmmm, boiled peanuts.
Irregular Fractal, your irregular visits to the box are always noteworthy! Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Spark Pluggers!