YSaC, Vol. 1431: Call me next time urine town.
2013 January 21
Urine Personal Extracting Machine – $100000
Available Now – Looking to help Buyer and Seller
Excellent Shape; Only actual user need respond – Time is of the
essence: This is for RealPlease Respond to this ad or ASAP to (xxx) xxx-xxxx
I’ve pretty much been able to take care of this myself for, well, most of my life, and I haven’t needed a machine to do it.
Or wait — maybe I’m reading this wrong. Maybe the machine takes urine and … extracts a person from it? That makes all those times I’ve peed in a cup at the doctor’s office a lot more creepy.
Thanks, Jeff!
I got your catheter right here, buddy!
You want the white one with red stripes, or the one with the bendy neck? *pulls out box of straws*
LL, you’re such a helper!
Well, I always grab a few extras at the fast food place. You never know when an emergency will come up. I just never knew it would be worth so much money to a bladder. Whoohoo, I’m gonna be rich!
Y’sure?
Seems like the last evaluation was ZBE$ 1.32*10^^11 ≈ US$ 1
You might have trouble with those 1^^-5 ¢ coins
And, you definitely do not want to make a mistake with an unread decimal point with that many zeros on a check.
* clears throat*
I didn’t know what day it was
When you walked into the hospital room
I said “hell no” unnoticed
You said goodbye too soon
Breezing through the clientele
Inserting tubes that were so spherical
I really must confess right here
The extraction was purely personal
I took all those habits of yours
That in the beginning were hard to accept
Your time essence, bedside sense
I put down to weirdness
The big bosomed lady with the deutsch accent
Who tried to change my pee tube
Her ad lib lines were well rehearsed
But my urethra cried out for you
Urine my heart, Urine my bowl
You’ll pee for me should I grow old
You are my catheter, you’re my best friend
Urine my bowl
I could not have said that any better Hammy. In fact, I could not have said it at all.
Here. have a door on me.
I’m glad it’s in excellent shape – far too often these days I blow $100,000 on a UPEM and it’s been twisted into a Möbius strip.
Like, really, how do they expect me to untangle that?
You don’t want to know what the UPEM’s sold for parts look (or smell) like.
I thought UPEMs WERE sold for, um, parts.
Given my field of choice, I enjoy thinking about Möbius strips in just about every context. Except this one.
Ow.
Also, ow.
In closing, ow.
It’s the Klein-bottle washing that offends
There used to be a convenience store called U-Totem. So I’m reading the initials as U-Pee-‘Em. Just thought I would share early morning insanity.
U-Pee-“Em’s are much better than those pesky N0-Pee-‘Ems
Both of which will oft afflict the portable facility.
There are bound to be a lot of people lining up for this. That means you’ll have to mind your pees in queues.
I so wish I could give more than 1 door for this! Scads and tons and lots and lots of doors!
Wait now, this machine extracts your precious bodily fluids and distills them into…. time? That would explain the price tag, but what happens if you cross the streams?
If I could pee time in a bottle…
Time keeps on streaming streaming streaming out of UPEM…
I’ll pee back…The Urniator.
General Ripper, is that you?
I really hope this was a typo of some sort for two reasons:
A) It would be highly disgusting if a machine like that existed.
2) If some poor person could not urinate unless a machine did it for them and the manufacturers charge that much?! How heartless do some people need to be. Some days I have a little bit of hope for humanity and I would like to keep that little bit for as long as possible.
Google seems to know nothing of such a machine, so either this is a custom job (which might explain the expense) or someone’s put one over on us. There are plenty of urine collection machines, and a few distillation labs, but no EXTRACTION MACHINE.
To me, the name and price tag conjure up images of a machine that can and will extract 99.9% of all manner of bodily fluids with a selection of hoses, claws, serrated edges, and clamps. The sort of machine a mad scientist might use to
completely pulp annoying heroesobtain vital ingredients. You know, right before the previously-hapless sidekick shows up and rights things again.Perhaps that’s why Sparky needs to move it ASAP. It won’t be long before the aliens discover it’s missing from the mother ship.
I dunno, they rarely come back to get their… I mean, I wouldn’t know.
My guess is it is either a carpet shampooer for removing (pet) urine stains and smells from carpet.
or
An actual medical machine for someone who has been catheterized or otherwise cannot process urine properly.
I guess it could also be some sort of NASA machine that extracts ‘potable’ water from ones urine… now I remember why I didn’t become an astronaut.
I don’t know about everyone else, but after reading this ad I gotta go!
I’m pretty sure I have some puppy pads around here.
*hands Hammy a plastic bag and old newspaper*
I know you men like to read while you go.
I thought that’s what my iPad was for…
Well, if you insist on having ALL that technology just to have a whizz… sheesh.
Do you want all the technology just to take a whiz?
get the new Urine Personal Extracting Machine! Only 100000!
Hurry while supplies last!
Formerly owned by General Jack D. Ripper?
I don’t need a machine to take the piss out of me – I have an older brother.
/sortacorey – I just had a discussion yesterday with SIL on his fabulous new job. He repairs biomedical equipment. The things those machines do to blood is, well, amazing. Urine, though, like he said its far less useful for diagnoses, so it’s still pretty much pee in the cup, insert appropriate stick, check results. So, I think Sparky may have learned that lesson about $99999 too late. /endsortacorey
[medical machine corey]
A home dialysis machine runs $2-5000 used; about twice that new.
A clinic machine runs to $35-40K brand new (especially when you add the bit that goes “PEEEEeeennnng!”); used price from $5k to $20K.
Now, there was some Gizmodo buzz a bit back (like 2008) about Dean Kamer (Segway inventor) who claimed to have a chemical/filter/membrane-less filter that would convert liquids from seawater to urine into potable water.
[/corey]
I don’t care what scientists claim they’ve done to urine, it will never be drinkable in my eyes. I could have been lost for two days in the desert and I still wouldn’t drink it.
Next time we get to “Drink to me only with thine eyes” I will be doubled over with laughter, and you are to blame.
Ah, I see you have the machine that goes ping!
I always thought nothing was drinkable in my eyes. Admittedly I’ve never tried drinking with my eyes. How does that work Lizzi?
Or the machine that is pee-ing (possibly while making a “PIIIING!” sound).
It’s on a very favorable lease-buyback scheme.
And this is why I don’t talk to anyone. Just gets me into trouble.
“This is for real.”
You know, as I sit here reading this, I can’t help but notice that everything I need to know, I learned in third grade. Like, if someone says, “You can trust me.”, then you shouldn’t. This also goes for “This is for real.” It isn’t. I think it was the fourth… no, maybe the fifth time, yes, the fifth time I went through the third grade that I learned that. And you can trust me that it was a hard lesson indeed. I know what you are thinking. “Oh Pshaw”, but this is for real. I’m planning on learning something this time through the third grade, but I’m not sure what. Something about time being something.
Well, time to pull out my “Excellent Shape” coloring book and get back to learning. I’m going to color a Δ.
No, no ‘This is for Real” means it is for retired and elderly astronauts with lobotomies.
Hey, future-peoples–Urine Personal Extracting Machine will make suitably perverse anagrams.
You are quite welcome.
Ducky, you missed Monday cause you were in the box. Notice I didn’t say urine the box. D’oh! Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Pissed-off Scientists!
Taking the piss is a British term meaning to take liberties at the expense of others, or to be unreasonable. It is often used (or confused) with taking the piss out of which is an expression meaning to mock, tease, ridicule, or scoff.[1] It is also not to be confused with “taking a piss”, which refers to the actual biological act of urinating. Taking the Mickey (Mickey Bliss, Cockney rhyming slang) or taking the Michael is another term for making fun of someone. These terms are most widely used in the United Kingdom, Ireland, South Africa, New Zealand and Australia.