YSaC, Vol. 1409: So where’s my gift?
M sends this:
Kelly – m4w – 99 99
dear friend i understand love is no joke i I was reborn it took a lomg time I had a catholic comnversion
honestly. I still give signs for your friendship , now and then. funny i didny understand ther pot and pan joke for a wek or two.
I appologise for binng diddicult. pease forgive me, I still like you verry much , i am follow faith mow and dont follow religion. I love jesus and follow a spiritualpath now. thank you I learned so much and from ypu too frirnd . I am am still your friend i dont check c/l anymore mom almost died again i hav been crying alot because my life has changed drastically. also i cry because ifeel we really are friemds iam much better now and straight.
O miss you so much brcause I know we can be good friendsthe best i can say here is for you to undwestand god loves uou my dear friend and i do moss iuou terriab;y alot beacuse I know we can be good friends
anyway i hopw after 10 monther pr so when we meet again maybe i pray we can be friends i love you tru;y i do i would do anything for you so do let ,y signs or mr saying hi now and then upset you i could never hurt youi onpurpose i ove you and miss you so much. any way georgeous i am glad you are better now and i pray for you i see you have a nice car and got throught it all right it your grerT FUL OF FORGIVING FOR ME I PRAY WE CAN BECVAOME GOOD FRIENDS I REALLY MISS YOU I STILL CRY.
LONG STORY SHORY I DONY CHECK HERE ANY MORE BUT I GO TO ##### bINLE cHURCH dUNDAY A, 9:00mcleNBIB;E CHURCHSUNDAYS 9 AM I ;OVE YOU KELLY SOMETIMES LATER BUT TOMOTRROW 9;00 I OVE YOU DARLING AND I FEEL SOME HOW YOU LIKE ME TOO I HOPE SO I AM LOMLEY AND YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL TOME I Miss you darling toill yhem maybe one ay you will trust me aND BE FRIENS I WOULD DO ANYTHIONGTHING FOR YOU AND IF YOU ARENT FORGIVING ME YET I [TRAY ON DAY WE WILL TALK WHEN I DO SEE YOU I THANK GOD YOU ARE OK AND THATS ALL I ADMIRE YOU MISS AND LOVE YOU MORE THAN I COULD EVER SAY BUT I WINT BOTHER YOU SO,MAYBE I WILL SEE YOU IN CHURCH ON DAY OR EVEN BE GOOD FRIENDS IF NEED BE ,i dont get the pot joke so much i dont think of you rhR WAYone day when alone i hope you see i can be a really good trust worthy g friend and will always love and help you i wont post for a while cause this com[uter id broken but i hope you forgive me and approach me and be my friemd i am a good [erson i swear i love you darling maybe ine day is you alone or maybe you will trust med ui love you and miss you friend till themn good night dRling and maybe seee you at ##### bonle church till then god bless i am sasved now and haave salvaation i am reborn and PS I STILL WANT TO MARRY YOU!!??MAYBE IF YOU FOTGIVE ME ONE Dya i am a good person ANS SO ARE YOU I AM SO PROUD OF YOU YOU DID A GOOD JOB WE SHOU;D TA;L ….I MISS YOU KELLY EVEY NIGHT HOMEATLY JUST IN CASE YOU ISSS ME I WANT YOU TO KNOW I ,OVW YOU ANS WOULD NEVER LEAVE YOU EVER DO YOU STILL THONL OF ME? I THINK OF YOU 23 HRS A DAY WAY? JUST CAUSE WE SEEM TO BE MADE FOR EACH OTHER PLEASE TRUST ME?
IF I AM WRONG DONT WORRY I SUFFUR AND WILL ONE DAY ,OVE AWAY I WILL NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN I [RPOMOSE BUT IF YOU DO THINLOPF ME A;OT ALOT PLEASE PLEASE COMTACT ME WRITE ME I WOPULD LOVE A[EN PEA; O MISS YOU SO MUXCH OK NO OMRE C/L I CRASHED ANPTHER COMPUTER THAT MAKES LIE 5 I AM YOU BEST FRIEND IF YOU EVER NEED ONE YOU PROBAB;Y DONT NEED ME BUT IF YOU DO PLWAse dont make me wait i am a good good friend good night friend.oh i willbea t ### c 900am sundays please find me if you ;ike em? please daint wait ok? i like you nd rerally miss aou and am all alone except of a few family and muci[eople immiss you so uch your like my sopuldsl sis so it is painful if uo dont want me i will try tp fade way ot hurts so mich gppd migh o;d friemd.plwase find me.
**head explodes**
Run away, Kelly – run far away.
I’m not sure there’s a far enough away for Kelly to run, ghostie.
/corey – this is disturbingly close to home…as an ex of my oldest daughter left her rambling voicemail messages similar to this for years after they broke up – through her marriage and the birth of her two kids. she never responded, so i hope he gave up and this isn’t him/endcorey
*shudder*
Good luck finding a mate who’s also 9,999 years old.
ლ(ಠ_ಠლ)
My scary-stalker detector has just overheated.
Mine too… I also notice the apparent mental disintegration even within the post itself- grammar, spelling, coherence, repetition… Heck, the last section isn’t even real words. I think it ends about one paragraph away from “threats of self-harm”. Unless I missed some when my eyes glazed over.
Yeah, this statement,
while accurate, is incomplete.
Wow. I wonder how much of this is Sparky, and how much is because his com[uter id broken.
Looks like Sparky’s spellcheck and sanitycheck are on the fritz. CAPSLOCK seems to be working fine, though.
It says something about a certain group of friends I still talk to that I understood most of this.
…which includes the understanding of “IF HE KNOWS YOU HAVE A DIFFERENT CAR, RUN FAR AWAY BEFORE HE KIDNAPS YOU AND TRIES TO MURDER YOU AFTER YOU REFUSE TO MARRY HIM”. True story, btw. Don’t date admitted felons who blame their felonies on other people. (she’s not dead, and the police eventually caught him a few hundred miles away, no worries) (except for the worries that she still talks like this occasionally)
*I need a minute here to freak out* arallyn!!!!! Welcome back to the lounge!
SHHHH THEY DONT KNOW ME IM TRYING TO SNEAK IN UNOBTRUSIVE-LIKE
I’m having visions of “Overly Attached Girlfriend” altered in the same way as “James’ Face” (Those are not my teeth and that’s not my bush baby) Facebook guy. Someone needs to get on that.
Goodbye drunk dial, hello drunk craigslist.
“Dude, don’t do it, you’re trashed.”
“No, man, I got this. She just doesn’t know how I FEEL about her, you know? Gotta make her understand. Because she doesn’t understand, right? But, a missed connections Ad from the heart? Dude, you can’t fake that. That’s love.”
“Man, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
New message needed:
“Please do not drink and type, remember drunk typing kills… relationships”
“CBS cares”
Ok, maybe because I used to paint professionally, so I do not have the patience to watch that material dry. So, perhaps I have missed out on the interactive portions of c/l–where a person gets feedback from their every posting . . .
But, it’s also the holidays, and since “hey, you know ’bout ‘puters, doncha? Come lookit ‘issmint, wouldcha?” I’ve noticed–again–that there are entire cohorts who make no distinctions between browsers, email services/software, O/S, or even network architectures. All they know is that you click the “thing” on the screen and it takes you places; occasionally does “stuff.” Passwords? Login names? Pfft! “I jus’ push that thingie that makes the ‘puter ‘member’at–Izzat ok?”
Sigh.
I’ve seen it in the Rants & Raves section before, someone will post an ad in response to another ad, but it’s usually just to call the someone a dumbass or a scammer.
Actually, I think this is the first draft of the balcony scene from R&J as written by poo-flinging mokeys. They were inspired by a line of lonely men standing outside their cages at the zoo holding roses.
Brilliant. That would neatly explain how the post contains every possible misspelling of “love” with no discernible pattern.
Something that having activated Swype or 123ABC would not have allowed.
If that’s the best you can say here, then that might be a hint as to why Kelly is avoiding you.
Huh..
Only 23 hours a day?
..And I’m sure it’s the ‘computer’ that’s broken. 🙂
Unless they are from Ganymede (or maybe Titan) whichever of those which has a 23 hour day . . .
Saturn’s moon Mimas (the Death Star moon) is stuck with only one side ever facing Saturn, like our Moon, so it has both a 23-hour day AND a 23-hour year.
Just what we need: Sparky with a weapon of mass destruction.
With friends like this, who needs restraining orders?
Aw come on, Kelly, he sounds really sorry this time. Even though his mom almost died again, she didn’t, so that’s a good sign, right? And you got through “it” okay too, didn’t you? Obviously you can still operate a motor vehicle, so no harm done, but now you can’t even be friends??? How diddicult id that, uo coldheated frickim biatch!!!!!
You better watch out
You better not hide
You better not run
I’m telling you why…
Santa Claus is lomely and stalking you!
Uh, I think that’s spelt “Insanity Clause” . . .
And has nothing to do with long-dead bishops flinging coins into the socks of orphans and wimins of negotiable virtue . . .
He took that literally, so cause and effect?
9Ouo kmow, teh doxtors had too makes ire i was beain damnaged befire qwaKING ME UP FOR MUY OPPERRASHION. sO i REELIE DONT” think. This is my failt.0
Yeah, the whole “I was reborn. It took a long time. Mom almost died” thing is giving me a VERY VERY disturbing mental picture.
Unless Sparky means “reborn dolls”* which are a different level of creepy.
*Feel free to Google that if you don’t enjoy sleeping.
“Very, very disturbing picture” in this context, causes me to remember the very creepy Cronnenberg movie where Jeremy irons played twisted twin gynecologists.
Ick.
That and quitting Craigslist somehow being involved? VERY disturbing implications.
pease forgive me, hot.
pease forgive me, cold.
pease forgive me on the pot.
I’m nine days old.
You know, because, I was reborn.
Kelly – m4w – 99 99?
About a hundred dollars. but not on c/l, definitely not on c/l. mom almost died again. Yeah, my main mom, mom.
Kelly: For you, special: $99.99.
So, just what is the exchange rate of Triskellian Quatloo to, oh, Central African Francs?
“the best i can say here is for you to undwestand”
*puts on best authoritative E. Fudd voice*
You should be vewy cawefuw where you get undwest and find a pwivate pwace ow you may get awested. Huhuhuhuhuhu.
“diddicult”
Diddicult make you do this? I thought you had a catholic comnversion. Was that to or from?
They’re not mutually exclusive. Some Catholics really like Diddy.
PSA:
If you or someone you love have said these words, then you have been a victim of The Craigslist Virus. Constant exposure to misspellings, capslock abuse, grammar errors, and the punctuationally challenged have caused brain pain in even the most intelligent and normal people in our society. 99 99 people die or scream or yell or pound on their keyboards or facepalm or headdesk or break their monitor or take a break and go get coffee or drown their frustrations in festive alcoholic beverages or spend all day in a snark lounge each year from this affliction. So if you know a sparki, or know someone who knows a sparki, give the gift that truly gives. Whack a sparki up side the head with a book on grammar, then hand it to them, then tell them to stay away from craigslist until they memorize the book, then you can be confident that you have done your part in fighting this affliction. Just say know, know your grammar.
Every time I see/hear “Long story short…” I hear (in my head) “Too late!”
“I’m merely a humble butler.”
“What exactly do you do?”
“I buttle, sir.”
And did I mention I will be at XYZ church at the X O’clock service on Sunday? Yes? Okay. Well, I will. I go to XYZ church now. I go at X O’clock. In case you want to meet me there. At X O’clock. At XYZ church.
Right now there is a whole churchload of guys checking their zippers. Thank you.
Ah did nahhhht go to church XYZ!
Cocaine’s a helluva drug.
Particularly if it’s mostly gypsum-board dust cut with low-grade meth and hints of PCP . . .
I’d ask what Capn did during the seventies… but I don’t think I need to anymore.
for 9/10 of the 70’s I was a teenager.
I may or may not have spent some portion of the 80’s being that bump in the night that made some very bad people very scared.
Cap’n…. you were Batman in the 80s?
Hmmm … he does have encyclopedic knowledge of a vast array of obscure topics.
o;d friemd w4m dekka 21 12
mesAGE ov 99 99 receipted
a plocketclips to comendz om skedools daint wait uou beestie ypu
god bless i am sasved now and haave salvaation
I will reborn lomg time
pot an pan no joke
ot hurts so mich plwase try tp fade way
Dammit, now I really want to know what the pot & pan joke was. I’ll bet it was a good one.
That’s OK Miccrosofft
It shory is a long story.
No spell check needed. J-A-I-L describes this much better than L-O-V-E.
At Last! Found the keys to the box! Digi, Mudsey, and CJ, thanks for keeping me company in here! Punchity Punch Punch. Need to have a copy made someday.
Good Day, Stalker Fella!