YSaC, Vol. 1333: Dryer of the Magi
2012 September 5
“trade” brand new dryer
See, right away we have a problem here. Why is “trade” in quotes? What is this a euphemism for? By “trade” do you mean “Please allow me to post a poorly formatted picture of?”
brand new front loader dryer whirlpool never been used will trade for a wedding ring for my wife or just let me no what you have email me if interested
Ah. That IS what you meant. Just checking.
Also, given that you have used no punctuation at all, I choose to punctuate as follows:
“Brand new front loader dryer. (Whirpool) Never been used. Will trade for a wedding ring, for my wife, or just let me know what you have.”
Thanks for the post, Lisa!
Aw, Spark’ did chu cosin Vinnie dun leeb youse ten of dees whacha gots t’ move outta the spare room all quiet-likes?
Youse can “trade” fer’em, see.
An’ iffin youse do, den nuttin gets “broke” see?
I like this punctuation better:
“. . . For my wife, or, just let me — No! What you have!”
I like that. Caveman-ish, and I can already hear it played out in my head. I’m mentally casting the Caveman right now.
Um…she’s already your wife. Either you didn’t give her one at the wedding, or she feels she needs a spare. Having experience in my ball court, I’ll take the front loader. As I already have the latter (and the former in a box somewhere as well), maybe a Dyson vacuum. Oh, heck, I’m terrible at housework. How about a bi-weekly massage from Sven.
When it comes to housework, I often wish for a front(end)loader to help.
You have a ball court? And you keep experience in it?
Hey, this is Texas; if a woman wants to admit to a tentacle play area, one does not ask about the level of experience there.
Hey: They got Divorce Court, and People’s Court, why not Ball Court?
Imagine the quotes!
Pacino: “I’m out of balls? You’re out of balls! THIS WHOLE COURTROOM’S OUT OF BALLS!!!
Nicholson: “You want the balls? The balls?! YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BALLS!”
Pesci: “The two balls….”
I’m blushing. And do you all know how hard it is to make me blush? Pre-coffee posts should be forbidden from my laptop.
Oh! The coffee just kicked into gear and I saw the “Magi” title. So the irony would be if his wife sold her ring finger for some wet laundry? O. Henry was so onto something.
Many many doors, wanda! 8)
Lemme have a crack at it….
There, it almost makes sense.
No, no it doesn’t.
I am quite the veteran here in the Snark Lounge, and yet I still nearly spewed my coffee. The first rule of the Snark Lounge is we tell everyone about the Snark Lounge, the second rule is do not drink or eat anything while reading comments. Sigh. 8) Thanks, CJ.
Hell, Windy…if it weren’t for the Lounge I may have permanently clogged sinuses. 😉
And, you’re welcome. Ima helper that way.
I have a rule similar to this stuck to my Jeep steering wheel via a post-it note: The first rule of working blinkers is you don’t talk about working blinkers! The blinkers just decide if they want to work and if they are working and you go “hey! the blinkers are working today!” they hear you and stop. Mechanics can’t figure out the problem and we just got this Jeep 6 months ago so we’re stuck with it until we pay it off.
Oooooh….beat poetry read by Shatner.
Nice beat, but you can’t dance to it. I give it a 7.
Chaka, Chaka, Chaka, Chaka, KHHHAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! ?
I heard that read in Christopher Walken’s voice.
Don”t you always?
That depends on many things*. Sometimes it’s Walken, sometimes Shatner, sometimes James Earl Jones, sometimes Wilford Brimley, Kermit the Frog, Kathleen Turner, Snooki, or Tommy Chong.**
*The absence of/presence of caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, and medications.
**I won’t tell you what brings on Tommy Chong’s voice, but there are lots of empty tater chip bags laying around the next morning.
Needs more quotes.
“Brand new” front loader dryer. “Whirlpool.” “Never” been used. Will trade for a “wedding ring” for my “wife” or just let me no what you have email me if “interested.”
Ah, the naughty barter system again? Wife for wet laundry? I have no idea what the front loader euphemism is supposed to be. I’m out of the loop in this arena.
Yeah, usually the “wet” goes on the wife side, not the laundry side. Gah! Couldn’t help myself
The wife goes on the whore side of the bed. Front loaders are usually missionaries.
Then what are top loaders? Ew.
I’ve never seen a dryer mounted on a wall; I’d be afraid my underpants would come out sideways, which makes them hard to put on.
Imagine what that would do to a bra!
The under-wire would become a over-wire.
So a push-up would become a push-DOWN? Oh, my. We don’t need any help there.
And “tighty-whities” would become “loosey-brownies”?
*erp* I think I’ve just made myself sick. I’m going to go lay down now.
My turn!
Bra ‘nd new front, load ‘er, dry ‘er. Whirl! Pool never been. Used will. Trade for a… “wedding ring” for… my wife? Or justle. “T” me now! hat’you! Have ’em ‘ail me. If in te’ rested.
(For those of you in the unknown, a “wedding ring” is a fishing lure.)
*casts eyes toward corner*
They all said the corner is the place I aught to be,
So I loaded up the truck and I moved it all with me.
Oh Jethro!
It’s the cipherin’.
Gits’em e’ry time.
Wimminfolk all swoon’t al’ba’t–why a faller need his fish-pruf shoes t’walk about the place . . .
Brand new front! Loader, dryer. Whirlpool? Never! Been used. Will trade. For a wedding ring? For my wife? Or just let me… No? What? You have email. Me? If interested.
I’m curious about the back story to this ad. Did his wife lose her wedding ring and she was so upset he’s doing anything he can in today’s economy to get her a new one? If that was the case it’d be really sweet. However, lying about an appliance being brand new when it clearly isn’t sleazes-up the whole idea.
Probably a non-singing mocking-bird is involved here.
Which could be Mimus polyglottos as readily as Beethoven’s Myna (Gracula religiosa blasphemi)–if certain Pythons are to be believed.
Look! He wrapped it in clear Beesmas wrapping. She’s going to totally know what it is.
Hmmp! Stupid Sparky!
A few Beesmas’s back we (or, um, “Santa”) got Mini Monkey a softball bat. How do you conceal that shape? I just slapped a bow on it and buried under a lot of other presents Beesmas morn.
Sparky made an error in judgement common to the males of the species. He thought his “wife” could be bought with an expensive gift and he could forestall putting a ring on her a while longer. Sadly, he didn’t read the part in the manual where it says “no cleaning products”.
He also missed the part about it having to obey the laws of “gravity”. She’s threatening to walk, and poor Sparky is stuck with a possessed major appliance.
Let me try to figure this out.
““trade” brand new dryer”
Trade in quotes means it is separate from the brand new dryer. (best guess)
“brand new front loader dryer whirlpool never been used”
This is the dryer he has. (must be very proud of it, he hasn’t even used it.)
“will trade for a wedding ring for my wife”
He has a wife. He wants a wedding ring in trade. (Wants to give ring to his Mistress?)
“or just let me no what you have”
Anything else you might offer for his wife, he’ll just say no. (He really wants that wedding ring.)
“email me if interested”
So, if I’m interested in his wife, and I happen to have a wedding ring I’m not using, he wants to swap. Do you think he might toss in the dryer? (After all, the dryer hasn’t been used, but his wife probably has. That’s why he wants a different model.)
Am I anywhere close on this? Or is he just tired of women altogether and wants a men’s wedding ring. He wants to get rid of his wife and wants to tell other women he’s married.
Perhaps Spark’s grief is what has undone his ad. Suppose this is truly a wicked bad evil dryer–that anyone who watches it spin is later found, soft and fluffy with a pleasant fabric softener aroma, and quite utterly dead?
Spark is willing to trade less-pristine collars for the return of his wife from perdition in Gollum, or whatever your version of perdition is, if you are willing to trade in penultimate fates.
I mean, really, just what sort of household appliance comes with a grail-shaped-beacon setting? (Note that the only thing preventing a further laundry rampage is the sturdy application of 3″ 3M Painter’s masking tape–Say-No-More!)
If it is brand new and never used, why oh why doesn’t Sparky return it? Did he lose the receipt?
It was an anniversary gift…. that’s the last time he’ll buy something for her.
Well except for “buying” her that divorce…
Technically… wouldn’t that be buying something for himself?
LL – You can’t see me but I’m slowly shaking my head at you and looking very disappointed and sad.
Sorry FM… please don’t frown.
Aw. I can’t stay mad at you, you adorable little lizard!
See, I think he’s negotiating with the people who have kidnapped his wife, but he’s sort of indifferent about getting her back if he thinks they’ll make him a better offer. He’ll trade the dryer for a wedding ring, or his wife, or whatever else they have lying around.
As long as he’s not killed by a remote controlled SUV.
I had a dream last night of a serial killer that targeted dentists and kidnapped the family members to make the victims comply. The victims were instructed to pay ransom and then stand on the side of the highway to wait for this SUV to bring the family member back. Except the SUV was remote controlled and would run down the victims instead.
Diane Keaton was the heroine and she saved one of the victims and then helped the FBI stop the killer, when she was targeted for interfering.
And people wonder why I don’t sleep much… I have too much drama/action/thriller going on in my brain.
Wasn’t that the plot of Ruthless People?
(Dan’s comment, not L-Squared. L’s was just scary and made me cry.)
CJ, every time you are in the box, some thing changes a bit. The lampshades made from beer cans that have been crocheted together, the throw rug made from braided pantyhose, and the chairs made from pallets. You make everything upcycle! Punchity Punch Punch!
Good morning, Texas!