YSaC, Vol. 1318: And you have your bamboo bones …
2012 August 15
Lost: Chair made of Human Bones
Lost, actually stolen: Chair made of Human Bones. As this is an heirloom, a hefty reward is offered for its safe return, No questions asked.
Pretty much everyone has, at some point, had furniture in the family about which someone would say, “That was Grandpa’s chair.” It’s not often you see furniture about which you can say, “That was Grandpa.”
Also, if you sit down in the chair too quickly, you could actually break four hips.
Thanks, Lisa!
There is difference between lost and stolen… but who in Clothespin Jeebub’s name would make or use or steal a chair made of human bones? Is this a case for ScoobyDoo?
Do you really want an answer to that?
The knowledge that there are people who make jewelry out of human bones was creepy enough to me, a whole chair is an even larger level of creepy.
I think this is gruesome enough for Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys. Scooby and Shaggy would just turn chicken.
The Hardy Boys are timeless. They never age. No bones about it.
But what about the otterman and the armwar?
It ran away with the sheep chair
(For those who don’t remember: the sheep chair)
Bees upon our llamanun but I’m really regretting clicking on that link and really happy I missed that first time round.
Remind me to tell you all sometime about one of my male friends who judged the Miss Welsh Sheep Competition in the late 90’s.
This was not as a result of a drunken night.
Not even a little? That’s a tad frightening
Chair made of bones is missing?
It ran away. QED
Yes, “Kwed” is an odd thing to name a chair.
Yeah, and bones are damned odd things to make a chair out of.
That’s poor grammar. Out of which an odd chair is made? Out of damned bones, make odd chairs? Out of sight, out of mind; out of bones, shit out of luck? When life gives you bones, make chairs? When in New Orleans, do like the voo doo do?
Dear Mr. Lecter,
I have *found* your chair, and apparently some *other* items you neglected to mention?
Yes, you know what I’m speaking about but just in case…does the word “Chianti” jog your memory?
I thought it might.
Deposit a very large amount of cash into the trash receptacle at the corner of Starling and Hannibal roads by midnight tonight or you might find a sheep’s head in your bed as a warning, sir.
Sincerely,
Clarice
Did you check with the pit bull next door?
Anybody else mentally rocking out to:
Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones.
Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones.
Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones.
Now hear the word of the Lord.
Sorry, had to drag someone else into my hell.
Well I wasn’t but it’s stuck in my head NOW
The backbone’s connected to the arm rest,
The arm rest’s connected to the hip bone,
Uh, do you have the instructions for putting this chair together?
New, from Ickea!
And the Lord looked upon the bone chair
And He did sayeth unto its creator,
Dude, that’s just really messed up right there.
Seriously.
Does Sparky mean he won’t ask any questions if the charnel-chair is brought back, or that he won’t answer any questions about where the bones came from? ‘Cause either way works for me.
“I hope you find the thief, Lt. Columbo. If there’s anything more I can do to help, please call my secretary.”
“You’ve already been a very big help, Mr. Sparkington. Your theory about the chair being stolen rather than lost makes a lot of sense.
There’s just one more thing…”
Hey guys! Come look at this cool new chair I found!
Taco, where did you find. . . where has Hammy been, lately?
It came from a neat little yard sale that was set up just outside the Mouth of Hell.
Maybe it was an upholsterygeist. Maybe the bones came from an ancient burial grounds. Maybe the chair did the hambone. Maybe it’s the Fratellis. Maybe it’s the power trying to come back on. Maybe it shifted 15 minutes to the right. Maybe it went to visit its friend, Ruby Gloom. Maybe Bonz™ is better than Bones. Maybe booth is having an afair.Maybe the chair got Bonaparte. Maybe it got sucked into a carpal tunnel. Maybe Sparky will find it to marrow.
Where is Encyclopedia Brown when you need him?
Maybe you’ve had juuuuuuuuuust a bit too much caffeine?
Maybe it’s Maybelline. Nobody’s seen her lately.
Maybe it’s me.
AAAAAHH! MONKEY!
—-R. Stoppable
Maybe it’s a tombsday device.
So you had a human bone chair, and not one picture of it as proof of ownership? Honestly, you should insure precious family heirlooms, Mr. Addams.
As long as they are not hair-looms . . .
“this is an heirloom”
I think Sparky is an air(head) loon.
The harrowing story of my Grammy’s bones chair
Grandma got sat on by a fat man,
Crushed her bones to powder Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as heirlooms,
But as for me and Craigslist, we believe.
Santa had been drinking too much egg nog,
Asked if could ‘rest a little, please?’
Then he plopped on dear old grandma,
And he burst her bedazzled knees.
First we stared and then we mourned her.
We were pissed, that, you can bet.
Oh, that trial went so quickly.
Latched him to an ole swingset.
Grandma got sat on by a fat man,
Crushed her bones to powder Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as heirlooms,
But as for me and Craigslist, we believe.
This is hardest on ole grandpa.
He was used to grandma’s lap.
Now he wanders our whole household.
With nowhere to stop and take a nap.
Now we’re thinking we were hasty.
Nothing under any trees.
No more Santa to bring presents.
I’d even take a filled-up truck of bees.
Grandma got sat on by a fat man,
Crushed her bones to powder Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as heirlooms,
But as for me and Craigslist, we believe.
It came time for Christmas dinner,
With our flowing, fountain cheese.
Someone brought a bust of Ritchie.
And our dog Miffy brought some fleas.
To all on Craigslist I will publish.
Listen to my little fable.
Keep your grammy safe from fat men.
Replace her with a nude, bronze table.
Grandma got sat on by a fat man,
Crushed her bones to powder Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as heirlooms,
But as for me and Craigslist, we believe.
It’s comforting to think that our deceased loved ones are watching over us, but to actually make them into furniture is taking it a bit too far.
Uncle Harry was never the brightest bulb in the pack, but making him into a lamp won’t change that fact.
A leg lamp?
it’s a major award!
A chair made of human bones plays an important and nasty part in Ian M Banks’ novel “The Use of Weapons”. It symbolises the utter depravity and cruelty of the man who made it. I can’t believe it’s legal to own such a thing, at least not in respectable countries.
It’s legal to own human bones in the US, you can even buy them over the Internet.
http://www.boneroom.com/bone/humanskeletons.htm
Begs the question why, why, WHY!
You can’t type boneroom without typing boner.
I misread it as boner room.
*sends self to corner*
Oh my dear! Check out those prices! No wonder the hefty reward.
*looks through coupon organizer*
But they do give out coupons and have BOGOF Wednesdays.
I think we need to start a tag, Rejected X-Files Set Pieces.
I would say earlier Tim Burton movie pieces myself.
I wonder if it was a swivel chair or a recliner…
No questions asked! (hehe)
Because it’s more comfortable than a horn chair?
The heck! I have plenty of questions. Starting with:
1. What the hell, man?
2. Human bones?
3. Seriously, what the hell?
4. Where do you get your furniture, Lechter’s Lay-Z-Boy?
… and so on. Plus the more substantial questions:
84. How much is the reward?
85. How much to not tell your neighbors about the chair?
penguin and ghostcat, looks like Humpday was good to you. Punchity Punch Punch!
Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a chair! 8) Good morning!
Goes on the front porch of the house made of rattlesnake hide and the chimney made from a human skull. The owner’s been seen using a rattlesnake whip around town.