YSaC, Vol. 1287: I’d like to buy the world a.. Actually, I’d like to buy the world.
2012 July 3
Kids googles new
These are new googles, bought a 3 PK for a pool trip and it needed 2. They’re cheap, but free! Still have protective stickers on lenses. Zohgs, neon green!
Thought another kid may need for a pool party!
Pick up in Satellite near Pineda.
Wow. A little research reveals that at close of business Friday, Google was valued at $149 billion dollars. (Say that in a Doctor Evil voice, if you like.) And this person bought a THREE pack! That means they spent approximately the nominal GDP of Argentina.
Too rich for my blood – even one would cost about a New Zealand, although you would get a Namibia in change.
Thanks for the post, Greg!
Also available: New gogols, for a kid with a literary bent.
And for those into gypsy punk, gogol bordellos! (May not be suitable for kids under 18.)
Of course you have to buy three, that way, at least one will be compatible with your hardware.
Not that you’d have access to the Ad metrics that could tell you otherwise, not as a mere owner.
Not unless you also buy the separate SDK, at least.
This is a kid’s Google. Since young kids may have problems typing/reading it’s more like a Siri but with the voice/personality of Dora, Elmo and Barney (if you get the three pack). That’s why it’s free.
Oh sweet Jebus, which of that 3-pack to not leave at the curb?
I wonder how many Tennessees I would have to save before I could buy a Google.
Save the Tennessees! That sounds like a new Greenpeace cause.
14 Brazillian…
Cheap, But Free! is IF’s Cheap Trick tribute band.
Sigh…I want to snark, but I want even more to pick up some neon green goggles and head down to the ocean today.
Here, let me goggle that for you.
That was magical!
Seems like just yesterday you were explaining that tacomagic didn’t mean TacoMagic but something else (I’ve forgotten now). We quickly disabused you of that idea. When greatness calls, we YSaCers bestow it accordingly.
🙂
Edited by drmk: damn it, stop breaking the style sheet.
Archie, I think you broke YSaC. Everything’s gone all italics-y.
Meanwhile, in italics-land…
Neat! Italics make even common-day things look all fancy and important!
“I just took a dump.”
See! Look how cool that looks!
It was 6am when she walked into my room, into my life. I couldn’t help but notice that, as she strolled through the door, my internal monologue kicked in and began narrating everything. I felt like I was trapped in a low-budged Film Noir. I kinda liked it, but kinda hated it too. The things she made me feel. The things she made me think in an overly dramatic way. I wasn’t sure if it was love or just incomplete BBS formatting.
But I knew one thing: it was going to be an interesting day.
She told me that some kids were googling new. Not sure what that meant, but the way she said it made it sound important so I pretended to pay attention. Meanwhile the inner monologue continued to muddle the conversation, always one step ahead of my brain; derailing my thoughts like a giant cow of confusion on the rickety tracks of my mind.
There were three of the googles, all them at a pool party supposedly. They were the cheap kind of googles that you see working the corners of the lower tubes. Those unsavory sorts that could give you a good time but would most likely lead to parked domains and a virus that has you buying those pills to prevent outbreaks.
But these googles had protection. A pair of goons they called the lens boys. They were the kind that had their sticky hands in everything. I hated to see kids getting mixed up in this kinda trouble, so I took the job.
2pm: I hit the streets trying to dig up information on the lens brothers. Most people are afraid to talk when the googles are involved, but there are always people willing to drop a good search string if the price is right.
My best source of information was always Tahiti Sam. He was good at collecting those little tidbits of information that others were too afraid to snap up. A solid guy, nothing much ruffled his feathers.
He had the lowdown for me today. The googles were making a merchandise drop at the Satellite Lounge; that quaint little place off Pineda where the girls wear lederhozen and all their drinks come with pink umbrellas. I knew that place well; it was the divey sort of place that a fellow in my profession could find a lead on just about every low-life in town.
Plus their blue plate special wasn’t too bad. At 3.99 for a pancake stack, three strips of bacon, and a mound of hash-browns big enough to use for mountaineering practice, it was the second cheapest dish in town. The cheapest was a waitress there named [FEMALETRAITS2]. Sleazy and classy at the same time, her rates were reasonable and she did this thing with her [ERROR: NOT FOUND] that could make your eyes pop out and dance on the headboard.
So it was with no great reluctance that I headed for Satellite, the unsated taste for pancakes already battling my hunger for justice.
Nicely done squirrel man!
Now I miss Mindfield…
6PM: I watched the exchange go down while finishing up my blue-plate special. It was a pretty impressive affair, an extra pancake and a cup of coffee to celebrate their 30th day without a fatality in the dining room.
The package exchange was between the googles and a Mr. Zohgs, an email spam baron and door-to-door encyclopedia salesman who always managed to keep his nose just clean enough to not be worth bringing in by the local PD. I knew someday he’d sell one-too many volume updates, but until then he was small-time. They paid him with a vintage tub of Crisco, some of the good stuff from 1928 that you don’t see too often. He handed them a small package wrapped in brown paper and string. Despite the implications that Maria, my arch nemesis, might be in on this, I had my doubts. This package wasn’t small enough to be Maria’s work; she’d be a problem I’d have to solve later.
But what was a small-time scum-bucket like Zohgs doing passing packages to the googles family? What did this have to do with the kids? And when was the waitress going to come back with my refill of coffee?
I didn’t have long to ponder this. The coffee came to the table quickly, already sporting the muted brown of two creamers and a sugar. I enjoyed the coffee.
Two hours later I was staking out the googles mansion. I had to find a way to get my hands on that package. Luckily my client’s tip about the pool party turned out to be accurate. I could see the splashing and playing from the front seat of my Gremlin. I’d come prepared for this with a disguise.
I stepped out of the car decked out in my swimming thong, rubber flippers, and ducky float. It had drawn some pretty strange looks at the lounge, but being prepared is always worth the extra effort. The Barbie World snorkel added the last piece to the disguise and I was ready.
Infiltration of the party was pretty easy; no security and a loose policy at the pot luck let me get in with only a small bowl of chips and a fake apology about not being able to cook. I almost felt sorry for the poor saps, my Chicken Kiev is amazing.
The party itself was one of those low affairs you always hear about. Soda, chips, Marco Polo, a diving board, and a man charring some burgers on the grill while he nurses a cold-one. I felt dirty even associating with these hoodlums under pretense. I could only hope that their sordid affair would not unravel my moral fiber while I passed among them as one of their own.
Sneaking into the house was more difficult. It was heavily guarded by the Lens Brothers, but I had an ace up my sleeve. One pee-pee dance later and I was in with an admonishment and a requirement that I be fast and not drip on the carpet.
It took no time at all to find the package. It was in the most obvious place imaginable: the secret safe hidden behind the false wall in the third sub-basement at the bottom of the high-security elevator shaft. It was the kind of obvious hiding spot that all criminals used.
My hands trembled as I looked at this small package that stood behind the entire mystery. Just brown paper between me and the real plot behind this whole fiasco. I slowly opened it up, terrified and anxious, only to see the thing I least expected to see.
To be continued…?
Taco, can I hire you to write my obituary?
How much birdseed do I need to spread around to get my posts back into italic mode? It makes less sense if everything is back to normal.
*Lugs a 20 pound back of seed out and cuts it open*
If it helps Taco… I’m still reading them in italics.
*scooping up bird seed* All done, Taco.
OMG! I post one comment and then go merrily on with the rest of my day…little knowing the havoc (pretty though it may be) I have left in my wake. So sorry!
Do I need help to fix this?
Edit: Yes. Yes, apparently I do.
Dearest Llamanun: Thank you for editing my mess. I promise I will never, ever do it again. *tries to fit a bottle of ’07 Pahlmeyer Sonoma Pinot into hard drive* BBUH
**spends remainder of evening writing “I will never break the style sheet again” repeatedly on a yellow lined pad.**
Please note: On any other day, I would have italicized the above two asterisked items. However, after my utter failure earlier in the day, I felt it wise to refrain. I haz a fear now.
Isn’t 3PK some kind of blood test? I tried to goggle it but got “page not found”.
That’s 3 player kill in World of Warcraft. Not that I’d know.
It’s like a 401(k) for preschoolers.
It’s the next generation of MP3 player.
Google’s just giving it away for free? And they had the nerve to call YSaC a pron site!
Um, maybe it’s not pron if you’re in love?
Kids googles new,
Kids googles cold,
Kids googles in the pack,
Nine days old.
And they have their own satellite! Truly we’re in the presence of Rich Uncle Pennybags.
(reminds me of the joke about the holiday letter where the baby got three blocks to play with- all in downtown Manhattan!)
Zounds! Really????
Can I use the star cruiser to pick it up? The satellite’s in the shop.
Yahoo! A free Google, Cuil.(bing)
Doesn’t that Excite you?(bing)
If you AskMeNow, I believe Torrentz of people will want this deal.(bing)
You could search Alltheweb, Live or in an icerocket throughout the galaxy and you would have to pay DemonGold for something like this.(bing)
Well, Having a GigaBlast hiding out here in The Pirate Bay.(bing)
I don’t have any power here, so I’m typing this out on my typewriter(Wink).(bing)
ChaCha for now.
Googles are very important at a kids pool party. Ther is always some kid getting hit in the head with a ball or poked in the eye with a cue stick.
One, we (that is to say, I) have missed you!
Don’t just outfit your kids with googles; you also need helmuts.
and the first link that popped up there was for the Stinky Deluxe [UPGRADED]
Ze free googles… zey did nuthin’ but pee in ze pool.
I had my kid Google “new”. The first link was CNN. Apparently a single current event story is called a new, and when you put them all together, you get the news.
Seeing the correct “they’re” was a bit of cognitive dissonance.
For most Sparkies, getting they’re/there/their right is the literary equivalent of winning a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors; it’s bound to happen every once and a while and it’s usually by random chance.
I COULD go back and fix the italics problem in the original post. Or I could just try to make things worse.
Edited by drmk: Damn you, ostrimu.
He bolded the adores!
No no no! Don’t change a thing! You know how old books are more valuable if they got that rare defect in them? This will be the collectible YSaC! Someday it will be worth a lot of money! Maybe even 20 Tennessees!
Nope – that didn’t work. Things are bad, but not worse.
Taco’s got the Magic! Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Google Earth!