YSaC, Vol. 1260: Spent my money, took my car.
2012 May 25
Everybody dreams of writing the Great American Screenplay(tm), right? Well, what better way to get some great feedback than to post your magnum opus on Craigslist? I’m sure we can all help this person(?) out, can’t we?
fdsfyt# 1996 Chevrolet #jhgjg## – $1400
She offers a sad smile and leaves without the cash. 49 INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM — NIGHT 49 Luke lies in the crook of his father’s arm, his own arms full of penguins, turtles, a black dog and an opossum. John reads him a letter, the yellow
Great IMPALA SS.More info and pics available by request.
nd Opossumy. Lots and lots of love, Mommy. (beat) You gonna giv
I liked the part with the Opossumy. What was YOUR favorite part?
Thanks, Michael!
I have nothing cogent to say; please find attached something witty with a mix of pop-culture references in equal parts ‘cool’ and witty.
I was shocked by the twist ending.
I thought the penguins delivered a powerful performance, but the turtles were just phoning it in.
I thought that the pig was hamming it up.
*Looks around*
I don’t see a pig…
Yes, and that opossum was outstanding! I mean who can play dead better than an opposum?
No one, that’s who.
I enjoyed the musical number in the middle. I just can’t get enough Lady Gaga!
Monkey, that wasn’t really her, but a very talented transexual black dog. But I agree, his performance was Fabulous!
I know, that black dog?
The way he moved?
He made me sweat
He made me groove.
SQUEE! Zeppelin! SQUEE!
Zeppelin, as sung by Gordon Lightfoot.
You’re welcome.
Aaaaaah! No! You evil, evil but tasty ethnic treat!
The part with the Spanish Inquistion? No one was expecting it!
[corey] Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition! [/corey]
Edit: Yahoo! Pink quilt, and four ninjeestars. ‘Cause, ya’know… Ninjas….
Meh, The Sopranos did the cutoff mid-sentence and fade to black first.
Everyone is always saying that the Sopranos did it first. But what about the zom-
and the Altoids did it minty.
If your car has become opossumy, there’s a spray you can get at Pep Boys to take care of that.
I don’t know. “Opossumy” sounds like it needs one of those sprays that’s advertised to make you feel fresh, like a summer’s eve.
Why on earth would anyone want a spray that makes you feel hot, sticky, and covered in biting insects?
All right now, Ghostie, you’re making me all itchy.
Somebody get the louse comb! Monkey needs to be groomed.
Same people who buy fox urine to “cover up” their human scent while hunting, probably.
(Riding in a vehicle which has had a spill of this product is under-fun at best, and beyond description–beyond even Dante–at its worst)
Did someone say lice?
Personally, I would have counselled her to leave with the cash, there’s no reason for the penguins, turtles, a black dog and an opossum to get more than they deserve.
No, dude, you’ve got it all wrong. She left without the cash because Luke’s dad’s arm is a crook. Keep your eye on those penguins, kid.
And Careful with That Axe, Eugene.
Wait, Luke’s dad, Darth, or Luke’s dad, Anarkin?
Wait- I thought Anarkin was the dad in Edward Scissorhands?
The best part of that play was when Horatio Bophante realized that the ghost he was talking to turned out to be the doll all along.
I didn’t even realize the doll was played by Kevin Bacon until the second act.
Mr Bacon has matured into quite the talented and multi-dimensional actor . . .
I think he’s up to three whole emotions now.
Jethro!
Go help Granny she’s just come back from the general store and her arms are full of penguins, turtles, a black dog and an opossum.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeell doggy, Opossumy stew for dinner Mmmmmmmm Mmmmmmm!
I believe the correct term is “the interior is Opossumy fresh”.
What opossumy fresh hell is this?
Who wants stale hell, ewwww.
Expired Hell is IF’s Spoiled Rotten death metal cover band.
*sniffs, sticks nose in air*
We only purchase the freshest Hell. I buy my family’s Hell at a place on the upper West Side*, you’ve probably never heard of it. And I won’t tell you, cause then it would no longer be cool.
*Upper West Side of Opossum Holler, that is.
I was at a dinner party the other day and they used CANNED Hell! I couldn’t believe it, I told their chef off and then stormed out of there.
I don’t care that Hell is out of season in May. If you can’t get it fresh, then don’t serve it I say!
Sounds like the party I was at, where they served the revenge dish LUKEWARM! Some people’s kids, tsk tsk tsk.
It’s nice to hear that Luke has a new father who lets him sleep in his arms and have lots of pets. Way nicer than that Vader guy.
Do you know who I am?
It’s Jeff Vader! He runs the Death Star!
I thought he ran the 7-11?
Wait, I thought he operated the Chronically-ill-Star–
Or is that Ignacio Vader?
Death by Tray it is then.
Set phasers to “Sudden Interest in Botany!”
If its the ultimate power in the universe, it’s the Tax Star.
Didn’t the rebellion convert the Death Star to the Death Nova?
I think they called it Deep Space Five, right? Or Babylon 9? I get those all confused.
“Do you know who I am?”
Yeah, you’re Garth Nader, you drive a windstar.
It’s not often you see someone audacious enough to abbreviate Shakespeare’s immortal catchphrase, “For Denmark’s Sire, For Ye Throat!”
One of my professors this past year joked that he would give us extra credit if we managed to use “opossum” in the title of our research paper (which, by the way, was about social psychology). As far as I know, no one actually tried it. Now I’m wondering if it would have been possible after all!
Playing opossum to avoid participation in the classroom: a look at elementary school academic shame and introversion.
Opossum: A Marsupial Strategy for Supportive Care in a Public-School Environment.
Overcoming Peer Opposition: Socialization Strategies of Urban Marsupials.
I see what you did there.
That’s one sneaky Duck.
At the office, I’m known as the person to come to for cleverly-acronymable project names. (Space themes often result.) Well played, Duck. Well played.
At my office, I’m known as the person to come to for safety pins.
No safety pins here, but I am the person they come to for the Safety Dance.
Opossums Trapped In Squirrels’ Bodies: The Agony of Ostracization.
Ahh, that reminds me of the last line of the paper I did on filtering for my electronic signals course:
“The Butterworth filter, though it has a slower roll-off than the Chebychev, is an important filter for applications that require signal ripple to be minimized. Indeed, the Butterworth filter is truly worth it’s weight in butter.”
I got two extra credit points and a comment from the professor along the lines of: “You’ve obviously been paying attention to the puns I’ve used in class.”
There’s a competition in which people have to sneak certain phrases into peer-reviewed publications. In 2010 the phrase was “I smoke crack rocks.” In 2011 it was getting “Dirty Old Man” into the author entry.
http://phdchallenge.org/awards
I know more than a few professors who really should just change their name to that anyhow…
Growing up, my mom had a 1964 Impala. My dad had a 1963 Impala.
Chevrolet should have retired the name in the ’60s.
Mommy (beat) will be back for the cash when she needs a new black turtleneck and matching beret. Bongos ain’t cheap, y’know.
[corey] In case you want to know the real ending, here’s the rest of the script. [/corey]
The opossumy was OK, but I REALLY liked the part with the fdsfyt##jhgjg##!!! You can never have enough hashtags.
Lots and lots of love, Mommy. (beat)
I loved Mommy Dearest…”No wire hangers!”
And the shell lived mintily ever after.
This is just plain wrong.
Arming an impala with penguins is just weird. Sure, penguins are slow and easier for the impala’s predators to catch, but penguins are not native to the savannah. Even though it might be fun watching an impala flinging penguins at a cheetah, it’s just wrong. The black dog? Well that would depend on the size and breed of the dog wouldn’t it? If we’re talking pomeranian, well, that’s just an appetizer. Now maybe a chow might be able to take on a cheetah, I’m not sure, but an impala would have a hard time tossing one very far. An opossum is easily flingable, but an opossums tendency toward feinting would scarcely draw a cheetah’s attention, and get its opossumy self eaten by a hyena. The best armament on the list for an impala would be a turtle. Small enough to fling and an accurate enough fling could stop a cheetah in its tracks. Also, the turtle has effective self defence, so could be used several times, or several turtles could be installed on the hide of the impala like armor plating. And if they were ninja turtles, well, can you imagine the possibilities there?
CJ, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Punchity Punch Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Hootin’ Holler!
So spambots are now used car salesmen too? 😛
I don’t even…. I honestly don’t even understand any of it except the asking price and year,