YSaC, Vol. 1251: It’s a hatchet job.
2012 May 14
Stitches tonight — need a wound closed
I am looking for a qualified person to come over and close a large flesh wound tonight, done by mistake with a hatchet. Me driving somewhere is not an option. If anyone can properly stitch a deep 2-3″ gash that wont stop bleeding, please email me. Thank you
If only there was somewhere you could go, Sparky McBleedypants, where you knew there would be readily available and qualified people to do this important task for you. But sadly, the only thing you can think of is to post on Craigslist to see if anyone knows how to cross-stitch your tibia back to your fibula.
Thanks, absolute_demonling!
*grabs industrial-sized vat of super glue*
I’m on my way!
Super glue is actually not a bad choice for this. I*t was originally developed as a surgical suture alternative (which is why it has such an affinity for bonding skin).
A person using off-the-shelf cyanoacrylate adhesives for wound closure really ought to be in the 6-4 hours range-to-emergent care, though. It’s too easy to only close the exterior dermis and invite compartment syndrome–the sequelae of which are rather under-pleasant fare near breakfast-time.
I know, Cap’n, and I can’t tell you how many times super glue has been used at Casa de C…J to close cuts on my boys.
Egads, full-on hikikomori is “catching” here as well?
Where one becomes so great a pseudo-agoraphobe that one cannot deal with the Emergency Services operator?
With that overlay of expecting a hovering, dedicated to naught else, parental service at the speed of all other e-life interactions?
Maybe, as I shut myself away and go nanananananana until the images goes away, I will imagine my Happy Place, where sparkii are simply unaware that some places you dial 9-9-9, and others you dial 9-1-1, and that the pizza & take-out places have the number on caller-block until the past-due bills get paid . . .
Do you speak like that, all day, everyday?
No, I can’t drive somewhere. No, I can’t even call 911 for an ambulance. I got this wound by mistake. With a hatchet. Yeah, that’s it.
Incidentally, I hope you take a check.
I’m good for it. C’mon. It’s me!
C’mon!
I can’t drive, but I demand you be qualified.
Good luck with that, Sparks!
I assume Sparky does not want to give any incriminating answers about who chopped him with a hatchet or why. However, all he has to do is look in the Yellow Pages under “Taxidermists” or “Undertakers.”
Sparky also seems reluctant to state where the injury is on his body. Since it impedes his ability to drive, it’s probably one of three areas;
1. His feet or legs ,which would make him unable to use the gas, brake, or clutch,
2. His hands or arms, which would make him unable to shift or use a steering wheel,
3. His ass, which would affect pretty much anything that involves sitting, including driving.
I’m leaning very heavily towards Option 3, since I feel Sparky would have mentioned where the injury was if it were somewhere like a hand or foot.
How do you get a hatchet cut on your posterier? Fall on it?
Shaving accident.*
*Why? Cause that’s just where my mind goes.
Maybe he was trying to remove a spider.
By being a complete axe-hole.
“Maybe he was trying to remove a spider.”
Spiders have their very own built in suture material, but nobody wants us anywhere near their open wounds. With a little training and a willingness to communicate, we could do micro-surgery. But NO! “Kill the spider.” I think most people are just speciist. I should just pack up my cobwebs and leave.*
* just kidding, I’m leaving the cobwebs, they don’t belong to me.
and you guys are so much fun to be around.
“How do you get a hatchet cut on your posterier?”
Sit on it Sparky!
Dude, you really need to go to the emergency room.
No way, man. They give you painkillers there! This was… just an accident, I can handle the pain, now hurry up.
Okay, do you want zig-zag, cross-stitch or blanket?
I don’t care man, just get it closed.
Cross-stitch it is, then. What color thread?
Zigzag is a skunk-Tiger hybrid who might be able to keep Sparky’s mind occupied until he’s dead.
What a way to go! I mean if you’re into that kind of thing. Oh, not me, I couldn’t. I’m only into octopendages.
I have a red stapler.
I b’lieve you have my stapler.
I know I used this line last week, but I really really am committed to recycling.
*clears throat*
Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays!
But, last time I did not receive a piece of cake, and I was told that I would get a piece of cake next time…
*grabs hatchet*
*mumbles* That was the last straw…
They may have lied about the cake…
*mumble, grumble, well…I could just burn the building down…mumble, grumble*
I’m very good at needlepoint, and I watched, like, half an episode of House once and didn’t even faint at the TV blood. I’m sure this qualifies me to patch up Sparky’s completely-unrelated-to-illegal-substances-or-weapons injury.
Well, one thing’s for sure…
It’s not Lupus.
Dr. Nick Riviera: “Here’s the problem! Your eyebrows are dialated.”
Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, but I’m more concerned about your gravy level.
Now, wait a second. You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day!
“Well, one thing’s for sure…It’s not Lupus.”
… or Not- a [censored] Leo
… or Tigris
… or Phidippus.
…or vulpes.
…or Martian
….or Ursus
… or ummm, well…
*puts on bunny costume*
…or Lepus.
*mumbles*
…The things I do around here just to fit in.
… or Diet Sprite.
…or lacawates valtrus-suka.
Taco, sprites are petite, they don’t need to go on diets.
I’m sorry Mel, but unless you stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night you are not qualified.
“Holiday Inn Express”
Does the express part mean you can get rested up in half the time? Speed resting?
*Hack Cough Wheeze*
Um, I guess this fellow is a cut above the rest?
*Sniffle Cough Hack*
I’ll be sleeping under my chipmunk costume if anyone needs me.
I’m in stitches!
But seriously, yeah, he must be. He uses bleeding-edge technologies like Craigslist Emergency Services.
Anyway you slice it, I’m sure you’ll agree that this guy is pretty sharp.
Yeah, sharp as wet liver.
Suture self, Sparks.
I have done that, more then once.*
*This is true.
What a baby – it’s only a flesh wound!
Come back here, I’ll bite yer legs off!
Snake: “Um, I must’ve like, fallen on a bullet? And it like, drove itself into my stomach?”
#SimpsonsQuoteForEverything
And who’s Springfield’s favorite doctor that graduated from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College?
Dr. Riviera: “Hi everybody!”
Snake: “Hi Dr. Nick!”
Dr. Riviera: “You’ve tried the best. Now try the rest!”
Is this one of those, “You think this is bad? You should’ve seen the other guy…” situations?
Meh, the beech had it coming.
We’re gonna poplar a cap in Sparkey’s ass.
Huh? Tree puns?
Should I even axe how we got here?
Larch just say we’ve been in the mood for puns the last two weeks.
I guess I’ll just ponderosa that on my own until I in-fir the answer.
We need tree punning like we need a hole in the head…
I’ll just sit here and pine for the fjords.
I saw what you did there.
Quick, everyone pun harder! We’re finally starting to annoy Hammy!
But, maybe we’re just saying alder wrong things today?
Oak, cut it out, Taco. Can’t you cedar reason Hammy is displeased?
He’s clearly board with this conversation.
You’re all a bunch of smart ashes.
I do see it, but I can’t really figure out how to get to the root of the problem. I’ve barked up a lot of trees trying to find a solution, but even after branching out into unlikely areas I’m still here punning like I used to. Maybe it’s time to turn over a new leaf?
I don’t mean to get all sappy on you there, but I’m starting to feel like I’m just dead wood around here.
Look, I’m not going to get all sappy on you, but I’ve tried unsuccessfully to quit puns too. For a while, nothing seemed to stick. Here’s what I finally had to do. I kept a log of every pun I made. At the end of the week, I would read them all and ask myself, “If you had that joke to do over again, wood you have used that pun?” It drove me nuts for a while, but I had made a deciduous, and even when I felt like I was going against the grain, I kept going. I am now happy to report that I am pine-free for tree weeks.
Oh no.
Oh, sorry. I didn’t seed your “sappy” joke.
Hem locking fir treetment on craigslist is really living on the hedge.
He’s not one to be stumped by a problem, that’s for shear.
Well, Sparky isn’t just sitting there like a log on a bump, he’s posting. Though he really should concedar “porfessional” help.
I arbor tree puns.
I would like to conifer the title of “Greatest Pun Website” to YSaC, but I’m told that’s not really what the sit is supposed to be about. Even so, I think the puns do spruce things up a bit.
D / DM permalink
Oh, sorry. I didn’t seed your “sappy” joke.
That should be, “I hadn’t seed your “sappy” joke.”
Yew should yews good grammar. The above correction is a good sappling.
*shrubs*
I don’t know. willow or not the dogwood start quaking, aspen him if its still okay to pun.
Just because you didn’t get my pun, doesn’t mean you are annoying me.. 😉
Treesus Christ.
Treesus Christ died for our Aspens.
Ahhhh, now Ash Wednesday makes sense.
The tree puns are just plane wrong!
All right, fellers, I can’t take anymore.
Leaf the puns alone!!!!
Maple we will and maple we won’t. If I were you, I wouldn’t cypress the issue. Bonsais, if you don’t like it, you don’t have tea read it.
*leaves to tend to his groan injury*
I hope this doesn’t mean TM is starting ass puns.
Sparky has a head wound. (I had a similar incident involving a hammer and I broke a tooth)
That is why Sparky can’t drive, The wound won’t stop bleeding and he can’t see to drive or dial a phone or post an add on craigslist…
On second thought, forget all of that. It was probably more like,”Watch me juggle this machete, hatchet and circular saw blade.”
Dude! You’re bleeding.
I’m fine, I was just juggling with a buzz.
Oh, then you are just fine.
Really?
No dude, buzz juggling is drunk juggling.
This public service anouncement was brought to you by the anti-juggling defamation league.
Juggle sober, If you’ve been drinking, have a friend juggle for you. Friends don’t let friends juggle drunk.
Another “Here, hold my beer and watch this” tragedy.
I hope he at least got some good video footage out of it.
When I read that, I thought it said, “Watch me jiggle this machete”
Made me sniggle
I feel like “Stitches Tonight” is the number one single of some Frankenstein album but I don’t know whose. Guns and Roses? Tokyo Twisted?
It was actually cut at the last minute from Young Frankenstein.
When Frankenstein was a toddler, He was known as Frankensippy.
That’s Fraunkensteen.
Guess whoooo…?
No stitches tonight in my coffee
No stitches tonight in my tea
No stitches to stand beside me
No stitches to run with me…
No, seriously. Guess Who.
😉
Probably someone related to Sister Lyle?
Guess Who is on first, Brer.
Who?
Yes.
No The Who, The Guess Who. Sheesh. Read your rock history, already.
Why does “Stitches Tonight” remind me of The Muppet Show?
I think Vampire Beavers is on that same album.
Sparky asks for ‘stitches tonight’. What, like he can’t leave his day job for this?
Stitches in the mornin’
Stitches in the evenin’
Stitches at supper-time.
When stitchin’ up an axe-wound,
You can get stitches anytime!
Of course not, he’ll need that sick time for deer season.
I believe the standard reply to this is “your a moran”
What does the military have to do with this?
Sorry. I thought you said, “Your a Mareen.”
Sorry, I’m working under the principles of non-uniform humor.
O Hara! Another pun.
No, silly…it’s “Your a maroon”…sheesh…
Not. Just. A. Flesh. Wound.
Well, I could live my whole life without a wounding
The likes of which I got today.
I’ve only one life, there are things I must try.
I’m Sparky and I’m on display.
Well I’m a quick study, It was all cut and bloody.
I sat down as I realized.
I turned on my computer, posted on craigslist.
Feelings of remorse inside.
And I use Band-aid Brand strips on a scrape.
But I need more when the wound is agape.
But I can’t use a gauze patch, the size just aint right.
Oh I feel like some stitches tonight.
There’s no explanation, not even a reason.
An accident, so please do not ask.
My hatchet, I slipped up. I should not have looked up.
And now my forehead is gashed.
Hey, I go to the doctor when I’m sick.
But not when my head is so thick.
Doc Scratchnsniff won’t fix me up right.
So I think I need stitches tonight.
Lately I’ve been thinking, I might just stop drinking.
But I still don’t have enough scars.
I’ve failed at my stunts, alot more than once.
At least I don’t drive home from bars.
On my small cuts I use superglue.
But it’s to big so I’m needing you.
Hope you are qualified to do this up right.
I really need stitches tonight.
Token!
What did you just call me?
D “Rampant Misjay” / DM.
Token!
Spring is here, spring is here.
life is uncertain, that’s for sure.
I think the craziest time of the year
is the spring, I do. don’t you? coarse you do.
But there’s one thing that makes spring complete for me.
And makes every Sunday a treat for me.
All the world seems in tune
when your showing your moon
and you get a small hatchet in the ass.
Every Sunday you’ll see my buddies and me
while we’re gettting some hatchets in the ass.
When they see us coming, the women, all try and hide.
But they can’t miss our full moons because our butts are so wide.
The sun’s shining bright, we’ll need stitches tonight.
Cuz we all got a hatchet in the ass.
It’s called impropriety, we’re freaks of society,
and cause much anxiety within folks and their piety.
With our games.
We’ve gained notoriety and lack of sobriety.
they call us a variety
of really mean names.
But there is nothing wrong with some mooning,
As long as we never start spooning.
So if Sunday you’re free
Why don’t you moon with me.
And maybe get a hatchet in the ass.
And lucky be you, will need stitches too.
If you get a hatchet in the ass.
We’ll moon all the biddies sitting ’round in the light.
We’ll cause much ado, all for our own delite.
We’ll find someone qualified
To sew up our back sides.
Maybe a pretty lass
to sew up our fat ass.
We’re going to need stitches tonight.
I’m pretty sure this wound was a head wound* because that’s the only reason I can think of how someone could be too incapacitated to dial emergency services, but not to post on Craigslist.
*actually, I’m pretty sure this is a joke.
Another nominee for the Darwin awards?
Funky, the lounge looks much better today since your poo flinging was confined to the box. Punchity Punch Punch!
Good morning, Forest Lawn!
This is what happens when you don’t have insurance.