YSaC, Vol. CLVI
2008 December 21
Relationship Advicer…………
I’m not educated and I haven’t had a whole lot of experiences in relationships, but I do know about relationships and about love and I have had friends and family come to me for advice on relationships and sometimes other things and I was successful on the advice that I have given and I have been told that I’m wise beyond my years.So if you need some advice on relationships or if I can help you on something else, I will surely try, if I can.
Just email me with you problems or what you may need advice on and I’ll do my best to advice you. Thanks
Dear Relationship Advicer;
I have a problem. I keep asking unqualified people for advice. Do you have any suggestions that might help me?
I, too, have a problem. When I am confronted with the longest run-on sentence in history, written by someone who doesn’t know the difference between “advice” and “advise,” it makes me cringe ferociously deep in my English major soul.
I’m not educated and I haven’t had a whole lot of experiences in surgery, but I do know about surgery and about post-operative infections and I have had friends and strangers come to me for advice on surgeries and sometimes CT scans and I was successful on the advice that I have given and I have been told that I’m wise beyond my years.So if you need some advice on surgery or if I can help you on self-administered anesthetia, I will surely try, if I can.
Just email me with you problems or what you may need advice on and I’ll do my best to advice you. Thanks
Andrea,
I suggest we discontinue use of both “advice” and “advise,” since they are confusing to, I’d say, the majority, or at least a couple, of people. Then the word “advyz” can substitute for both of them.
Simple and urban/goth/youthful. We all win!
The “wise beyond my years” bit makes me think this is a 15-year-old girl who has advised her friends on how to deal with that omgcuuuute! boy in algebra class.
This reminds me of Forrest Gump.
“I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is, Jenny.”
I’m getting an “I have Asperger’s” vibe from this guy.
I thought it was asparagus.
Smell the pee to be sure……
I already have enough people giving me advice on things about which they know nothing, especially relationships. I don’t need to go to CL to find more.
Dave, you and the ferret aren’t having issues, are you? Cause you seem like such a solid, together couple. I hope everything is alright there.
Dear Sparkles,
My boyfriend keeps telling me that he needs his space. Should I electrify the bars of his cage, or just taser him directly when he starts giving me sass?
Anxiously awaiting your reply,
Ghostie.
Dear Ghostie,
As I’ve always said, love is a battlefield. So try taking him out for a walk every now and then. They make some nice extendable leashes now a days. And, above all, make sure he doesn’t go number 2 on the neighbor’s yard. Keeping up appearances among your neighbors is the most important factor in a happy, healthy relationship with the neighborhood committee. The bake sale is just next week and we don’t want anyone spitting in the brownie batter, if you know what I mean.
Cordially,
Sparkles McSpankypants
This can only end badly. Sparky will be named in a dozen or more lawsuits for advising the husband to have a little affair on the side to bring back the magic to his marriage, or the wife to answer the door in nothing but Cling-wrap when her husband comes home, and he forgets to tell her the boss is also coming for dinner.
I put myself in the box, again, with LimeLolly, hooray! I have lots to do today, so I may not be actually IN the box. I have this life size cutout of Bea Arthur, however, that will do in a pinch.
Ha… I’ve been traveling all day, so I guess the box was empty…. but what a great echo.
Hallooo….allooo…..loooo….loooo…oooo.
Sorry, it was a long plane trip but at least this time, we didn’t get bumped 12 hours.
House construction contractor
I haven’t had a lot of experience in building or architecture, nor do I have any knowledge of construction or building code, but I did play with Legos a lot as a kid. Lots of my friends and family have asked me for help when they needed an extra set of hands to hold drywall up, so I do have some experience with building successful walls. I will certainly try to build a house for you, if I can.
Just send me a text message and I’ll hook you up with my skills!
Sincerely,
Asshat Sparklington the IIVI
I’m known for being good at listening and helping with my friends on Twitter, but I would never post an ad on CL about it.
Actuaully, there was a time when I was so known for giving advice that my brother-in-law once had a nightmare about it.
Wait, “ad” “vice”? And they have some experience, but know a lot, but know people?
Sparky wants to help the purveyors of “negotiable affection” in their marketing.
Isn’t that nice of Sparky.
Wonder is Sparky is interning for a web-host service and was told that it will help their resume?
Good kitty, might want to cut back on the nip m’kay?
I only take relationship advice from fortune cookies.
You mean like “Time to collect those goods.”?
I’ve been taking relationship advice from bananas, maybe I should switch to fortune cookies.
Do desserts have better advice than fruit?
You mean like
“Do not seek dessert in the Deseret desert, or suffer the Grapes of Wrath, UT”?
Glad you’re home, LL. SO, you punch me, I punch you, and we get out of this darn box. Punchity Punch Punch.
G’Night, Sioux City!
Memories. They make me smile. And reach for the Prozac.
And that’s the last time I let you punch me, LL. I still have scars.
I like making a lasting impression.
So, you’re a priest, then?
The best advice I ever received was to not take advice from Craigslist posts, and to talk constantly to the other parties in the relationship. 8)
Other parties?
Huh. I wasn’t aware there were polygamists among us.
Hay, be fair, could be polyandrists out there, too.
I already added enough vices, I could use a few subtracted though.
There’s nothing wrong with you, Hammy. Now get over here and help me. I’ll be damned if I’m delivering your 20 bottles of Jagermeister and 12 cartons of cigarettes and you won’t even carry any of them onto the gun range yourself.
I’m at the range behind the Mustang ranch, just drive on around and I’ll have my crack dealer unload them for you.
You know the last time we asked this joker to give advice, it involved circus elephants and a trapeze swing but no safety net. I vote we try someone else.
Dear Relationship Advicer,
This old hag told me I was throwing love away. Alas, I know not what she expects me to do. Should I punch her or have Miracle Max place a hex on her?
Dear Sparky,
I seem to have misplaced my lacawates valtrus-suka. I thought my girlfriend threw it away, but I told her you’re an asshat. She agreed, but said that didn’t have anything to do with what we were talking about. Sometimes I feel like she and I aren’t on the same page. The only thing we seem to agree on anymore is that you’re an asshat. Can you help?
TC, HC, and CJ, here’s the initial Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Ann Landers!