YSaC, Vol. 1161: Have you ever been experienced?
CUSTOMER HELP NEEDED, BEGIN ASAP
Openings for positive, friendly people ages 18 and up. Conditions exist.. Customer sales and customer service,
We offer full training so no experience is neededFLEXIBLE WEEKLY SCHEDULES. PART TIME (FULL)
Great pay to start, earn an excellent income for the fall/beyond. Professionalism and
friendliness is a must because we work face-to-face with customers explaining products &
answering basic customer questions. The work is simple but very rewarding (cond.apply)..CONTACT US TODAY IF YOU WISH TO BE CONSIDERED.
Looking to fill positions ***IMMEDIATELY***
Call our receptionists TODAY at the office closest to you:
[location]…..(xxx)— -x-x-x- x-x-x-x
Intrepid Craigslist Job Seeker: Um, hi … I’m calling about the customer help ad on Craigslist?
Sparky: Yes, of course! Are you positive?
ICJS: Yes …
Sparky: Are you friendly?
ICJS: Yes …
Sparky: Are you 18 and up?
ICJS: Yes …
Sparky: Great! Conditions may apply. Are you now, or have you ever been, mellow?
ICJS: Um …
Sparky: Never mind. That’s not actually one of the conditions. Have you ever killed a man just to watch him die?
ICJS: What? Of course not!
Sparky: Excellent. Now, I wanna know .. have you ever seen the rain?
ICJS: Um … yes, I have seen rain.
Sparky: Great! You meet those conditions. Now, let me tell you about the job. The work is simple but very rewarding. Conditions may apply. [speaking very fast] The job may not actually be simple or rewarding. It may require dealing with people who have never been mellow OR seen the rain. It may require you to don a protective suit and submerge yourself in a vat of radioactive waste for up to an hour at a time, but only on Haz-Mat Thursdays. Some customers may be belligerent and incoherent. Others may be Crispin Glover. Some may be both. There may be no income earned for the first three years at the position. [speaks normally] Do you accept these conditions?
ICJS: What?
Sparky: Excellent. You’re hired.
Thanks for the ad, dontxy88! Unlurk for us and claim your submission!
I woke up this mornin` with the craigslist ads online
I found my job listed; took it as a sign
I gathered my nerve and called the number
Customer service; what could be dumber?
I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in….
Original lyrics here.
*Under the following conditions, you may not find your work rewarding:
When you have to work.
When you have to deal face-to-face with customers.
When you have to explain a product to a customer seven times before they still don’t understand what you’re trying to sell them.
When you get yelled at for their inability to understand you.
I think they meant you will be applying condoms.
Now sure to what, but the imagination starts to run wild.
Now, you see this pond? There are a lot of trout in there, dozens or more. I don’t want to see your ugly mug coming in for a paycheck until every one of those slippery devils has been crammed into one of these Durex studded condoms.
Aww, and I innocently thought it was conditioner. “I’ve applied my conditioner. I’m ready for my face-t0-face, Mr DeMille.”
Squee! Kitty!
I second that “Squee!” and add a “D’awwww…”
But. . .What happened to Mike? Is this a hint? *whimper*
New Year, New Gravatar…and I have a lovely Siamese cat. She actually “squee”s quite often too.
Not to worry, I still like fish who poo on pink rocks.
Great pay to start, earn an excellent income for the fall/beyond. (Perfect for students and other people who are willing to take degrading summer jobs.) Professionalism and
friendliness is a must because we work face-to-face with customers (who are stupid, psychotic, evil, or some combination thereof) explaining products &
answering basic (oh so basic) customer questions (over and over again). The work is simple but very rewarding (if you’re a masochist) (cond.apply)..
Looking to fill positions ***IMMEDIATELY*** (because we can’t retain people)
So… it’s an IT position?
Yes, and the position is “free”–but you get to keep all the publicity you get.
I may have worked this job. Wait, I do work this job! Oh, except I’m not selling anything. We can’t retain people, either.
About the only thing I retain is water.
Cinderblock walls work well at retaining people, as does razor-wire and guard towers.
The managing partner at my old firm believed in shooting people as they tried to escape.
As do zipties.
And duck tape, which now comes in designer colors!
I know, GC. Duct tape was on my list of stocking stuffers this year. Eyebrows Daughter #1 got flames, Eyebrows Daughter #2 got turquoise, Eyebrow Daughter #3 got orange, Eyebrows Son and Mr. Eyebrows got camo. We be practical as well as stylish.
I saw Hello Kitty duck tape at Target and was tempted to get it for my sister, but I got her an owl teapot instead.
Shades of the 70s! Owls are making a comeback as a decorating motif (with all due respect, Sister Lyle, I am sure you never went out of style). I love teapots! My collections consists of Hall teapots from the 40s & 50s. And teapots in the shape of pumpkins. Squee!
Archie! Too bad you weren’t in the Beesmas Secret Santa exchange! I have an adorable teapot but really it’s not me. Not a pumpkin or an owl. But maybe you would like it. I’ll have to find a way to post photos of it. 8)
Yes, Windy, I have been missing a lot of late. Seems life has been scooting by a mile a minute. I wake up, it’s Monday morning…I go to bed, it’s Friday night. Zip! I am sorry to have missed the Beesmas exchange. I would love to see photos of the teapot. I’ll bet I have something to swap with it 🙂 What’s the magic formula?
The magic formula is my dot windrose at sbcglobal dot net 8)
I think Cutco* is hiring again.
*A sad case of a great product ruined by unctuous sales people.
The scene: A stark white room, one table in the middle, one chair on either side of the table. One wall is covered by a mirror…little does Sparky know he’s being watched….
Interviewer: So, I see you wish to apply for our customer service position.
Sparky: Yes (shifting in his chair, the blank stare, plastic-looking smile, and unusually tall pompadour of the interviewer making him slightly uncomfortable..something’s not right)
Interviewer: There are conditions, and they may or may not apply.
Sparky: Conditions?
Interviewer: Yes, yes. What is your age?
Sparky: I’m over 18 if that’s what you mean.
Interviewer: Excellent. And how do you feel about science?
Sparky: It’s great. Without it I’d never eat pizza.
Interviewer: (looking slightly perplexed) Yes, well we are scientists and the job may require
you to spend time in very close quarters with people. There will be lights and sounds and you may be subject to conditions. Later, you will get paid in cash or kibble, whichever is appropriate.
Sparky: Awesome, dude! When can I start?
Interviewer: (does not answer, seems to be staring off into space)
Sparky: What? Heyyy…is that music I he—
And as the strains of “Indian Love Call” are heard in the distance another Sparky is saved from himself…even as he’s covered in goo…
The goggles! They do nothing!
You asked me once, what was this Customer Service Position. I told you that you knew the answer already. Everyone knows it. The conditions that are in this position is the worst thing in the world.
— CSR Manager, O’Brian.
I think what makes me most uneasy is the “..” after he throws in the disclaimer about conditions. Twice. Why the dot dot?
Accidentally hitting the period key twice = Eslipsis.
But to be one dot short of an eslipsis, well…that’s just wrong. But you know me, I don’t like to complain.
One Dot Short of An Eslipsis is IF’s segue band to Bad English.
We cover both Bad English and Modern English. It’s kind of an homage, wrapped in a pastiche, wrapped in bacon.
Now you’re headed into Iron Chef territory…
Mmmm, bacon.
*click click click*
Clicking on the sponsor, ’cause I know what’s good for me!
Clicking on the big ad, ’cause it’s good for Y-S-a-C!!!!
[exegesis corey]
And up what, Mr. Spark’?
“Conditions exist”? They usually do– which ones “apply” here?
Inexperienced people often know less about labor & wage law.
See above, you are expected to put in three full 10, 12 hour days (probably Friday, Saturday, and Sunday), but only “clock” twenty.
Well, yeah, until you realize the pay is in Qwzrerylii, and obsolete “scrip” Zwerykasat, too. Oh, and that all your friends will be having teenaged fun the whole weekend long while you toil for monopoly money.
But, no experience in this will be required–either because we–the employers–don’t care about, A, the employees; B, the customers; or C, both.
Yeah, that condition is that you are to buy 1000 units of whatever schlock we are peddling, and if you sell them, you will be highly rewarded. It’s simple enough, you need to flog XtyQshsr kumquat and herring mini-quiche for three solid days, and sell them for more than you bought them for (or less than the toxic waste disposal fees).
Well, thanks, that’s fair warning. Could I sign up for a Do Not Consider list?
Who knew those carney positions turned over so rapidly?
Ok, scariest line in the whole ad, the suggestion that there are multiple offices hiring for this teen abuse.
Sigh.
That will be elebenty umari kwatloos, cash, please.
[/corey]
You’re being too cynical. When I had that job, I made $20/hr, and in authentic Zimbabwean currency, too.
Ooh, I had one of those umari kwatloos once. Itched somethin’ fierce. The doctor burned it off with a soldering iron. He said I have to tell all future sexual partners about it.
Maybe my script of PUDDING ON FIRE from yesterday would have helped.
Hey! Welcome to Sparcorp! I’d like you to meet Dreshtar. He’s one of our top salespeople! Dreshtar, tell the marks -er, new recruits how working at Sparcorp has changed your life!
Dreshtar: “Working at Sparcorp has changed my life.”
Unctuous recruiter: “Tell them about your new Lexus.”
Dreshtar: “There’s a Lexus?”
U.R.: “Ha! Ha! That’s our Dreshtar, always joking. Yes, Dreshtar has earned so much selling the wonderful Sparco Snoffulator System, that he just bought a new Lexus!”
And, by “bought” we me he just co-signed a note–in absentia vis–with the former Minister of Finance of the People’s Republic of Niger for that Lexus.
Tanker, when my son was small, he used to say conkulator when he meant calculator. Also I am something of a smart ass. and Mike would often say, “Remind me to smack you later.” Which led to the invention of the Smackulator! 8) This has cheered up an already pretty fun day. Thanks!
You know I am your biggest fan, Windy. Glad to give you a smile!
Dave, here is yet another triumph to share with the Ferret Tribe! TC, I believe this is your first time in the box, so here’s your shiny new YSaC Don’t Suck Card. Hold it up, now! Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Career Builder!