YSaC, Vol. 1157: Love stinks.
Happy New Year, everyone! If you’re looking for a way to earn some extra money this year, may I suggest this lucrative opportunity?
Tell Me If My Breath Smells for $600 Per Hour
I’d like to be able to occasionally meet someone and have them tell me if my breath smells. I would pay $5 for each breath that you evaluate. At a given meeting, I might only ask you to evaluate one or two breaths. I would pay for each breath evaluated. For example, if you evaluated my breath twice at one meeting, I’d pay you $10.
If your evaluation of one breath takes 30 seconds, that would mean that your compensation would be at a rate of $600 per hour, since $5 in 30 seconds = $10 in 1 minute = $600 in 60 minutes. Thus, the compensation that you’d be getting in this arrangement would be very high compared to the time you’d be spending to get it.
Here are aspects of the arrangement that I’d like to set up:
– You could discontinue the arrangement at any time.
– You would never have to travel. I could come to you.
– If we met at your home, I wouldn’t need to step inside your home, since we would just have a brief interaction and then exchange money.Please respond only if you meet the following requirements:
– You must not have any habits or physical conditions that could impair your sense of smell. For example, you must not be a smoker or have any nasal/sinus condition.
– You must be willing to be completely honest in your evaluations of my breath. Please don’t respond to this post unless you’d be truthful in telling me your perception of my breath.
– You must mention cross streets that are near you, so I can estimate how long I would have to travel to meet you.If you meet the requirements and you’re interested, please email me.
You know, this sounds like a great gig … but at some point, Sparky is going to show up at your house in a robe because he’s in the middle of a date and suddenly started worrying about his breath mid-coitus. Or, even worse, he’s going to show up at your house at 2 am and YOU’RE going to answer the door in your robe, having been interrupted en flagrante delicto.
But if he’s willing to pay you the equivalent of 465 boxes of Tic-Tacs per hour, who are we to disagree?
Thanks, Michelle!
If you have to ask, Sparky, you know the answer!
I think this is Tommy’s new aria of expertise:
Smell me, feel me, touch me, heal me.
Listening to you I get the music.
Gazing at you I see your teeth.
Following you I climb the mountain.
I get excitement underneath!
Right behind you I see the millions.
On you I see the glory.
From you I get opinions.
From you I get the story.
Have a mint, Sparky. Now how much will you pay me to tell you that you need a bath and your feet stink? And…just how long has it been since you changed your underwear? And can we talk about laundry for a moment?
I don’t know, $600 an hour is a lot of money, and I wouldn’t have to travel.
I think this is Sparky’s cousin, Stinky. I actually worked with a man we called Stinky, just not when he could hear. I think his real name was Hal*. Yeah, that was it, Hal I. Tossis. 8)
*everything until here could be true.
He worked with you, too? Say hi to him from us.
There was a man so smelly at my work they actually fired him and only let him come back on the condition he would use deodorant. You could smell him from 60 feet away (we measured once out of boredom) and as a coworker put it he smelled like “somebody pooped on an onion”. He’s back now and seems to have discovered the wonders of hygiene.
Isn’t Poop on an Onion one of IF’s lesser-known cover bands?
I worked long long ago with a woman whose religion forbade bathing too often, lest the temptations of the flesh overtake them. She was a treat. One day the smell of bacon wafted through the office, and someone asked if this person was sitting too close to the heating vent.
Wait, really? Who defines “too often”?
They’re my Booker T and the MGs cover band.
AR, apparently the higher-ups in the church, whichever one it was. Strange, huh?
Yep, I worked at a fish processing facility (talk about a smelly place) as the night packing crew foreman, There was one employee who smelled so bad that the rest of the crew came to me and told me I needed to talk to him about it. It’s bad when you smell so bad that you are worse than rotting fish guts in the sun. And I had to say something ‘cuz they were right, I have sinus problems and a poor sense of mell and I couldn’t stand his stink! I spoke to him and he took care of the problem. In his defense he was living in a tent in the woods and worked at a fish processor.
*’Rotting Fish Guts in the Sun’ – a moving song of love lost by Poop on an Onion
Kaz, I also have a poor sense of Mell. I have been following his twitter account thinking it was “Mel Sharples” of Mel’s Diner, but it was Mell, a famous woman who sings in Japan… Oh the confusion, I wondered why there was never a mention of Alice, but many references to anime… ergo, my poor sense of mell. We should start a support group for others like ourselves…
Do I get hazard pay in cases where your breath smells like Satan’s gym bag?
Satan’s Gym Bag is the name of my occult book store. 8)
Can’t he just ask Siri?
Surely, you can’t be Siri-ous!
Psst, Grampdaddy! Hammy hates it when you call him Shirley!
Maybe this isn’t such a bad deal. I once had a boss who thought his shit didn’t stink, and I was paid a lot less than this guy is offering to have to agree with that every day.
Three words, Sparky, that will save you from ever worrying about your breath:
Vicks Vap-O-Rub Cologne.
You’re welcome.
Clearly, this is not about a problem that can be cured with a simple breath mint:
a.) The incredibly vain man who would not sully his gullet with the leaf of a plant or the drink he could not actually imbibe
b.) Sparky had a brain injury and his think not work so good.
c.) He’s been under treatment for debilitating halitosis for years, and has exhausted his friends and relatives with his constant odors when he wants to see if the treatments are working.
d.) Divorce proceedings… Need to burn off the money real fast. “Frivolous? You call me frivolous? If you want frivolous, I’ll give you frivolous!”
e.) Drug Mule
f.) STAB STAB STAB STABBY STABBY STABBY STAB STAB STAB
g.) Rule 34
… stab O_O ?
How do you figure drug mule? He needs an excuse to come to my part of town on a regular basis, to fool the cops and he thinks this will work?
Well, sure, $600 an hour, but is anyone really willing to spend an hour smelling this guy’s breath? At five dollars a breath, it may take several meetings to get the full 600. Or I can imagine a nose-deaf* and unscrupulous person taking advantage of this.
Spark: “haaahh…”
Smeller: “Hm, I’m not sure, it may have been more garlic-y than minty. Try again?”
Spark: “haaaahhhh…..”
Smeller: “Huh, that time it seemed minty and oniony, maybe with bacon. Once more?”
Spark: “HAAAHHH wait, I’ve been breathing at you for forty-five minutes now, my date is waiting, what gives?”
Smeller: “Oh, I lost my ability to smell years ago, in a tragic crocheting accident. That’ll be $450, please! 🙂 ”
*like tone-deaf…?
You know there are people out there with no sense of smell, right? Knew a man in the SCA, one of the most talented carpenters around, but you always wanted to stand down-wind of him at court. And that was early in the day!
I know a woman who got beaned in the noggin by her dad by accident when she was about 3 and lost all sense of smell AND taste. She now eats for texture and simple hunger satisfaction. Must be great for dieting.
I just realized I have known more than my share of stinky people! There was Stinky, Mary Alice, and Robert. Hmmm.
So suppose I get this job. Does Sparky provide references/vacation pay/health benefits? And what exactly would I put on my resume’? “Breath inspector”? “Halitosis consultant”?
valarie, I hope you and Mike were comfortable in the box all day. Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Center for Breath Treatment!