YSaC, Vol. 1143: Isn’t that a dinosaur?
Stenographer Wanted
My friends and I are going to get super fucked up, and we are looking for a stenographer to record our conversation for about an hour.
- Compensation: chip’s and dip
If only there was some other kind of recording device in the world … you know, something that could, say, reproduce sound rather than just recreate it in another representation. It would make this kind of event much easier, and would also limit the number of chips that they had to pony up as pay. It’s a shame that such devices aren’t ubiquitous in this so-called modern world.
I am having a good giggle at imagining the stenographer trying to keep up with Sparky and his friends; Sparky would be saying things like, “So it turns out that the infinite monkey theorem is really just a special case of the second Borel-Cantelli lemma!” and “No, seriously, dude, Margaret Thatcher was a total bitch!”
Thanks, Jacob!
*Truthiness: way back in high school, I tried to learn shorthand; I thought it would be a good way to take notes or something. Turns out that shit is hard!
I’ve come up with an idea for the perfect device for this evening. It’s a stenotype, except with only two keys, one for “dude” and one for “totally.” It also has integrated chips and dip holders and a matching gas mask for the 420 fumes.
Line squiggle swoop u-shape circle line. Squiggle squiggle dash loop dot dot curly-q. Loop loop dash. Squiggle. Squiggle line swoop dip swoop squiggle squiggle dot? Dot dot loop! Hahaha!
The Hangover movies just wouldn’t be the same in shorthand…
Hey, watch your language!
Stenographer.
You keep using that word, Sparky.
I don’t think it means what you think it means.
Watson — come here — I need you.
[Fun Fact]
In Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Mina Harker keeps her journal in stenographic short hand and copies everyone else’s letters etc into it. This saves the entire story from being lost when Dracula sabotages (read as “destroyed”) Dr. Seward’s phonographic records. As she is the only one among them that can read shorthand, no one who looked at her journal knew what she was really writing and thus it was not destroyed with the rest.
[/Fun Fact]
My brain is insuffiently rested and caffeinated, so I read that as “pornographic records” and wondered what kind of them qualified as such. Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin’s “Non, j’aime non plus”? “Party records”? Or, in a more minimalist and possibly less literal fashion, just notches on a bedpost?
Ah, see, what we need is a sterno-grapher
(stoner-sparkies might be well-served by a “red-eye” inclined recordist)
Bad puppy! Corner!
… Oh, I see you’re already there. Good puppy!
Did anyone else hear this one in a British accent as they were reading it?
Lets see here, you guys talked about something you called “Chicken-Monkey-Fish” for about 20 minutes, then you whined about not having cup cakes for 30 minutes, one of you decided to make cup cakes even though you lacked all the proper ingredients. You in the green suggested that corn flakes in the blender would make flour, and then 2 minutes later I had to put my pad down to call the EMTs.
That will be two bags of Doritos, one bag of corn chips, a mostly full bag of Tostitos scoopers, and 2.7 liters of salsa.
Don’t forget the sour cream, fresh guac, and chili. With all that you can make a portable Frito pie right in the bag with the right kind of chips!
In a stoner-uncleaned kitchen?
I wouldn’t want to even install a remote-operated webcam.
[goes to wash tele-ichor away, not at all compulsively]
“I just want a goddamn liter of cola. Is that too much to ask for?”
Sparky needs to stop thinking so one-dimensionally – what he really needs to do is hire an artist to follow them around with the stenographer! That way they can have visual aids for the dramatic reading of their drunken ramblings.
Chip’s what? I might have to take the gig just to find out. Also, does the term blackmail mean anything to you and your friends, Sparky?
Chip’s And Dip, Windy. It’s right there. It’s not to be missed. Don’t try the Or Guacamole though. I don’t think it’s any good, but I can never decide.
I heard of an And Dup, who, after being released from chattel servitude went on to riches and fame convincing European’s that ‘dubstep’ was not just a newer, louder, version of euromix.
Never did learn what happened to Chip, though.
Oh no! Windy beat me to it! I was also wondering what they promised Chip to give up whatever it is.
Don’t panic, I’m sure it’s only a fluke. I almost never come up with something anyone else would have thought of. 8)
I’ve totally got this one. It goes like this:
1. Respond to ad
2. Eat chips and dip (and help yourself to anything else that’s not bolted down)
3. Hand Sparky and Sparkier a copy of the script for Up in Smoke as the official record
Hey, that’s false advertising, man!
“Dave’s not here, man. ”
What? I was here the whole time. I think.
Dave is easy to find – just follow the trail of Ferrets.
I would so do this. I’d get some hilarious entertainment and a free contact high and some snacks. Plus for the transcript of the experience I could give them my notes from my freshman biology class circa 1988. How would they know any different?
Awesome, dudes!
No, give them a copy of a script for an episode of My Little Pony!
“Dude, did I really sing an up-tempo number about friendship and cupcakes?”
“Yes. With appropriate choreography.”
That’s no cutie mark…
Kind of a weird place for a hickey.
Dunno, English language manga* of Dragonball Z might be simpler.
1. It would confuse them enough to go get high again.
2. They’d stay in their squat and not bother the rest of us.
3. ????
4. Profit!
_________________________________
*Could offer a video, but, that presumes that the stoners had a working playback device and tv not pawned for pizzas
I’m picturing showing up for my chips and dip with a classic clickety clackety clack! style typewriter. That way I can scarf all the chips I want with every paranoid awkward pause between spoken words.
[OT]
The ninja-penguin is controlling my psyche. I’ve got so many other crochet projects to do, yet I keep thinking about how I would make the damn bacon-nunchaku wielding ninja-penguin.
[/OT]
Would the
witnessstenographer be allowed to tell bad knock knock jokes? It is so much easier to write inane laughter for an hour than deciphering rambling conversations with a table lamp.I don’t know shorthand, but for free chips and dip I’d be willing to tell Sparky’s story through interpretive dance. That’s almost the same thing, right?
Wow, TCM is showing just now, what would be the excellent answer for the stoner-sparkies. It’s the Japanese 1926 “A Page of Madness” which is a black & white silent about a truck driver visiting his wife in an insane asylum. The visual effects are, for wont of a better term, stoneriffic. Lots of clearly-serious Japanese music, and so silent there are no subtitles at all.
It’s all clearly Quite Deep, too. But, it is hard to tell if it is meant to be a sane person’s depiction of insanity; or an insane one’s of sanity. Very much capital “A” Art.
A Picasso, or a Garfunkel?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy….. I haz a bawks! Amazing what being attacked in the earz by icepick-wielding ninjas will do for one’s sense of the reedick-uluss, ain’t it? Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
And you’re by yourself…. so you can’t share your germs. 8)
I was thinkin’
“they have a car that runs on water, man. It runs on water, man”
CJ, I hope your day in quarantine in the box did you some good. Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Penn State!