YSaC, Vol. 1127: All caps Barbie™
BARBIES – $50
I have several barbies that i have collected over a few years, and now if feel it is time to part with them. I originally purchased them to start a collection, but it was more work than I THOUGHT.
I AHVE HOLIDAY BARBIES
CHRISTMAS BARBIE AND MOREthe prices ranges, so just let me know and i can seen you a picture.
Thank you.
Y’all, Barbies are hard work! You have to dress them, and brush their hair, and feed them, and take them for walks, and keep the Barbie Corvette gassed up for those emergency getaways, and worry about the mortgage on the Barbie Dream House, and take them all in for STD tests once a month since Ken can’t keep his anatomically incorrect organs in his pants, and save money to send them to college, where they’re just going to end up drunkenly akimbo at a fraternity party and doing the totter of shame home the next morning in their proportionally seven-inch heels.
Yeah, that’s more than I signed up for. Maybe I’ll just collect turtles.
Thanks, Alexis!
Barbie
My idol was a Barbie doll
With pointy breasts and waist so small.
She really was a fancy thing
With soft blond hair in a sixties swing
We drank Tang, ate tasty filler
We listened to songs sung by Mitch Miller
Barbie’s legs, they bent just so
I couldn’t figure it out, you know
So, I took my trusty blade
To see of what stuff my Barbie was made
I showed my friends Hey look! A wire!
They refused to believe, called me a liar
Her wireless legs now all aflop
Her neat blond hair twisted in a tangled mop
My Barbie still was totally swell
Made special for me by Mister Mattel
Amy Sterling Casil
Hard workin’ Barbies? Yer doin’ it wrong.
Was this ad posted by Pimp Ken?
I re-read the ad with your comment in mind. Gave it a whole new meaning. 🙂
If there’s a “whole new meaning” to the post, then y’all are to blame.
You have thoroughly corrupted me.
The ads never tell you that she paid for the Barbie Dreamhouse on her back. Or that Skipper, Midge, et al. are the rest of his “stable,” and their specialty is holiday-themed outfits, obviously. That legendary bustline? Ken made her get it. She had to pay that off, too.
At least, that’s what I was getting from this ad. What the headline should really read is “It’s hard out there for a pimp – $50.”
Lola,
No, they’re season-conscious. You have no idea how many guys fantasize about giving a $20 bill to a girl in a cap and gown, and Graduation Barbie makes bank.
I don’t want to think about what kind of kinky stuff Mermaid Barbie gets asked to do.
It’s probably sushi-related … Oh, hi Dave and Ferrets. You’re right, the corner is looking spiffy today.
On a somewhat related note, for the Librarians:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6127435/1/bBarbie_b_The_Dream_Hooker
It’s short and… well, it’s short.
Ghostie:
I’m thinking* hentai.
*And now I can’t unthink it.
Well, Lola, for your continued unthinking pleasure, may I present “Anatomically Correct Barbie and Ken”?
http://www.zug.com/daily/journal/graphics/061306_barbie11_final.jpg
I’ll be back in the corner…
Note to self – avoid Barbie fanfiction.
And now I’m thinking of hentai, too. I’ll go put another pot of brain bleach on the stove.
NOTE: The fic linked above does not explicitly invoke Rule 34, and is happily free of tentacle rape.
Well, the tentacle part anyway.
::cries::
Why?
(That applies to all links above.)
I can’t speak for madbrnnr, but personally… zombie Smurfs made me do it.
I thought it was because, y’know, ninjas?
The only thing that zombie Smurfs make me do is want to find the author and draw a big red X on his face in permanent marker.
Writing CL ads is tough.
Reading them, tougher.
Interpreting them, the toughest.
Great. Now I have to go looking for the new All Caps Barbie for my wife’s collection. Damn, this is hard.
I always felt Barbie was a high maintenance B. She had to have lots more attention than my other toys. My Curious George doll and Cabbage Patch doll were fine sleeping in the bed with me. But, nooooo, Ms Thang had to have her own house and car and pool.
I know it was that attitude that drove Ken to the other side.
Y’all know that Ken is gay, right?
Psshh…I knew that the day I saw the Faaabulous Ken doll at Toys R Us.
My G.I. Joe —
Look, everybody; the corner has been redecorated.
Dave,
You really should not do that with G.I. Joe. You’re supposed to leave them in the original packaging.
*marches to the corner*
G.I. Joe….now there was another man with a missing penis.
Started at the age of four
My mother went to the grocery store
Went sneaking through her bedroom door
To find something in a size four
Sugar and spice and everything nice
Wasn’t meant for only girls
G.I. Joe in pantyhose
Is making room for the one and only
King for a day princess by dawn
King for a day in a leather thong
King for a day princess by dawn
Just wait ’til all the guys get a load of me…
-B.J. Armstrong *smooches*
I love this.
Can I get some Malibu shrimp to go on my BARBIE, mate?
Some Malibu Shrimp is IF’s Kenny G cover band.
I thought it was IF’s Randy Newman tribute band.
It’s better than that, even. It’s my Kenny G-Randy Newman-Jimmy Buffett supergroup tribute.
I thought it was the Beach Boys revival band with a Jimmy Buffett twist.
With their hit single “Short Songbirds on a Margaritaville Safari”
Now you’re just making me hungry!!!
I just want to go watch the prices out on the ranges. How can Sparky seen me a picture? Is Sparky in my head? That would explain the bad thoughts.
Poor Sparkles – it is a sad day when you discover that a Barbie doll is just too mentally taxing for you to handle.
I’m thinking that in this instance, one of those old-fashioned ones that is basically an old-style clothespin with a face inked on is probably more Sparkles’ speed.
Ah. Depression Barbie. Got her. I also got her cousin, Dust Bowl Dorene.
I recently sold Holocaust Hannah on e-Bay. She came with only one outfit though—striped pajamas.
I sold my Prehistoric Pollyanna on eBay, but the buyer left me negative feedback – they claimed all I sent them was a bag of dirt. I quite clearly stated in my ad that there was some assembly required.
I wonder if Mattel will have Occupy Wall Street Barbie out before the holidays?
Barbie has no sense of direction. She’s currently occupying Fifth Avenue.
Because she’s a WOMAN! Hahahaha! Right?
Why is everybody looking at me like that? Mudsy? Monkey? Ghostie?
…Lola?
Oh, I get it. I’m not supposed to explain Mudsy’s jokes. Sorry.
D, you will probably need extra credit cards when you get married, and probably a defribrillator. And a good doctor who is always on call. A pre-nup isn’t going to stop it.
Well D=DM, we know that Ken will never find it. He’s a man and refuses to stop and ask for directions. Last known GPS for him: Harlem.
Barbie shouldn’t need a sense of direction, anyway. She can easily see the way to the oven from where she’s standing in front of the refrigerator.
Gender-based humor is the best kind of gender-based entertainment, I always say.
From what I can gather, that’s a much longer distance than Ken is able to navigate. He can’t seem to make his way from the toilet seat to the lid—“oh, this goes down when I’m done using it?”
LL, that’s good to know. I’m glad I only asked my three fiancees to get engaged. Seems I’ve got more to think about than just deciding which one I want to ask to get married.
Mudsy, while I always put the seat and the lid down because I am a germophobe, I have heard a compelling argument for why everyone should leave the seat in the position in which it was last used. If a man leaves it up, a woman will have to put it down, and vice versa, but in any event the maximum number of seat adjustments one person will have to make is one. Under the current regime, men are usually expected to lift the seat before using the toilet, then put it back down afterward, which is two adjustments and is inherently unfair.
Why doesn’t everyone just sit down on the toilet? More comfort, no adjustment needed, less likely to miss. 8)
Windy, miss what? How do you know where we’re aiming?
Oh Windy, Windy, Windy. This goes back to primordial days. The hard wiring is just too tangled.
…and D=DM, that logic sounds like a direct quote from the Mr. mudsy manual.
😉
Nah, D… just gotta expect lots of shopping. On Fifth Avenue. Oh crap, I’ve told the secret. Arrgh. Forget you heard me say that. Just do a mind erase or something. 🙂 Remember, I don’t speak English.
The problem with your one-adjustment argument, D, is that then one is handling the seat last made dirty by someone else. I say everyone should just use it and leave it down, then no need to adjust it.
Silly me – I always thought that “Holiday Barbie” and “Christmas Barbie” were the same thing. I guess I haven’t put in enough work.
All caps Barbie. Hum. A Barbie that screams.
It’s Mother-In-Law Barbie!
Or, depending, Ex-Wife/Girlfriend/Stalker Barbie.
Re the Ex-Wife Barbie: Jeebus help us.
Oooo. Marketing idea: Baby Mama Barbie.
Edited. Here she is.
http://discotreats.com/barbie-girls/baby-mama-barbie/
Ooh, they could package either of them with Red Flag perfume!
Wait, I thought all caps Barbie just had a large hat collection…
Nah, that’s Mad Hatter Barbie. I got that one 20 years ago…
And lest anyone thinks I am kidding, here she is:
http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&sa=N&biw=1040&bih=641&tbm=isch&tbnid=mktEq95JJocnLM:&imgrefurl=http://www.mwctoys.com/REVIEW_022610b.htm&docid=VbeJ6Y4Driv9dM&imgurl=http://www.mwctoys.com/images/review_barbiehatter_1.jpg&w=600&h=450&ei=wb3LTozoOZKTtwf1xbRj&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=459&vpy=160&dur=2125&hovh=194&hovw=259&tx=152&ty=103&sig=106652385626890481934&page=1&tbnh=155&tbnw=222&start=0&ndsp=10&ved=1t:429,r:2,s:0
One of several types available. I shudder to think about searching for things such as PMS Barbie…
“Merry Beesmas, honey!”
:sounds of paper tearing:
:eerie silence:
“What do you say, honey?”
“Thank you for the future nightmares?”
Disappointing, mads. I was expecting a Halloween-esque “Sexy Mad Hatter.”
Well, yes, I can see the disappointment factor. For the sexy you’d have to settle for the costume, of which several different types appear in an image search. I’d prefer not to overburden this site with anymore of my massive links due to my total and complete laziness in working in HTML editing on my bonus day off.
On a related note. I, being the glutton for punishment that I am, did a search for PMS Barbie. One of several fan fic types that are done and she does exist. Oh, also rule 34 applies * shudder*…I’ll be over in the corner drinking the visions away.
Now I’m scared
Massive links!!!
Somewhere, Taco is jealous.
I thought All caps, Barbie was a dental plan. Dress me disappointed.
The all caps Barbie is the possessed barbie. Just look at those red eyes and that blank stare. You can always tell.
Holiday Barbie is non-denominational, non-sectarian, and possibly confused Sparky because she was packaged in a box that referred to Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Festivus, New Year, and Beesmas. It’s the Beesmas that was too much work for Sparky.
So THAT’S why all the Barbies in my collection keep getting “mound burn.”
.
Thanks for confirming my suspicion that simple punctuation is funnier than my jokes.
That’s not true. We’re just punctuation junkies. 8)
“HI! BILLY MAYS here for BARBIE!”
“Are you TIRED of dealing with REAL WOMEN? I mean, have you ever noticed how TALL they are? And they NEVER wear what YOU want them to wear…”
Thanks D=DM. I went further than Mum Barbie and looked at the others http://discotreats.com/barbie-girls/ I think Fat Barbie is my favourite
Heaven protect me from having a granddaughter
Mind you I did threaten to buy my daughter My Little Pony abbatoir.
Ooh, they have those? It’d be nice not to have to use my good pot when I’m boiling Ponies.
Ghostie, since reading your comment this morning, I’ve been hearing “when I’m boiling ponies” to the tune of “When I’m Cleaning Windows” all day. Worst. Mashup. Ever.
Having just heard the original, I apologize.
I have a bag of missing barbie shoes. I wonder if I could get some obo’s for those. They are too much work to keep up with.
*contemplates Artsy’s post*
You have a bag of missing shoes?
But, how do you know how many are missing?
Wait, are these ninja shoes?
Well, now we know where missing Barbie shoes go when they disappear. Artsy, you don’t happen to have a bag of mismatched socks, do you?
Hey, having a collection of Barbies is hard work! You have to brush their hair, undress them everywhere, use your imagination, make life your creation, and of course go party!
May your cup run it over with doors, ladycrim!
Your comment in plastic, it’s fantastic.
*pouts*
It reminds me of the joke about the girl who wanted a Barbie and GI Joe set for Christmas.
Her mother said “But honey, Barbie comes with Ken, not GI Joe” ….Her daughter said”No Mom, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she comes with GI Joe”
Snark. Snide comment. Subtle implication that poster is of less the average intelligence. Reference to Douglas Adams, Monty Python, or Battlestar Galatica.
Sorry, the week leading up to Thanksgiving is not a lot of fun for those of us who work in grocery stores. I just can’t think of anything today, I will try to have actual content next time.
{{kelli}}
If you make it through the day without battering someone into unconsciousness with a Butterball turkey, you’re doing a better job than I could.
I remember that.
((((hug))))
Aww, Kelli. I imagine you’re probably having to actively suppress your snark right about now.
OK, i don’t collect Barbies, so, i am confused about how collecting them can be more work than one thinks. i mean, which part is hard – the buying it, the leaving it in the packaging – oh wait! i know – it’s the part where you have to decide to display it on a shelf or store it in a box. i’m so confused! Damn, Sparky’s right again!
The key word here is “start” a collection. Obviously, this involves some sort of batteries and/or ignition keys and Sparky has no idea if CPR will be involved later on.
Me thinks Sparky is an alias for Governor LaPetomane of Blazing Saddles fame. “Work, work, work…”
Barbies have all the right parts in the frightening proportions the Gov. would love.
Yes, but he did display a definite affinity for paddleballs.
Oh hai ghostie! The corner is certainly lovely today.
Watch your feet – I think one of the Ferrets is a biter.
Do you know how hard it is for a little girl to leave the Barbies in the box and not play with them? Sparkette’s parents want her to start this collection as an investment in her future, but the temptation is killing her! So now they’re making her sell them to at least get some value out of them. Poor Sparkette, never getting to play with her toys, always having to display them in their original packaging.
Mom’s got a Tressy doll that’s still in the original packaging, she used to hide it from my sister and me so we wouldn’t be tempted to play with it.
You play “Joan of Arc” with one Barbie and you’re branded for life. (Mostly because melting plastic leaves a lasting scar.)
The only Barbie I ever had was very weak in the neck area. I took her to the beach one day. Somewhere floating in the Pacific Ocean is a red haired Barbie head, trying to come back to me.
I still have my favourite Barbie (in a box, under my bed) despite the fact that she’s headless. When “the accident” first occurred, I, the 9 year old budding surgeon, filled her head with hot glue and stuck a pin inside so when her head was replaced on her body it would still swivel. An iffy fix at best. And I’m terrified to think of quick fixes that would’ve happened if I’d gone to med school after all :S
You can find well-chewed Barbies at any thrift shop; collecting them is too easy. For a challenge, try finding her discontinued cousins.
HamCan, Dave, Ferret, Coffy, wow, I should just keep you guys in the box. We had more comments yesterday than in a very long time. A very, very long time. A very, very, very– Sorry, where was I? Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Dream House!