YSaC, Vol. 1110: … but he won’t do that.
I will do anything for cash!!!
I will do any crazy idea you come up with for cash. Similar to the guy who got 50,000 bucks for having breasts surgically added onto his chest and 10,000 every year he keeps them. Ill get like two asses or a dick installed to the back of my neck or some crazy shit like that for cash. It dosent have to be surgical, it can be anything at all that you come up with. I wont do anything that will permanently injure me like amputation or anything that will throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I will do just about anything if you have the cash to give me. But it has to be real and official. Im not getting a three balls surgically installed under my chin only to have you run off with my cash. I have a car and will drive where you are if I need to. Email me with your ideas and sums of cash and we will talk. I will respond immediately.
Group participation day! Let’s come up with some ideas for our entrepreneurial fellow. Provide your suggestions in the comments below!
Dear Sparky,
I have no money to give you but want to remind you that correct spelling, punctuation, and grammar cost nothing. Think about it … if you can.
How much would I have to pay you to post a Craigslist ad asking for money for something ridiculous that no one wants?
What’s that? You’d do that for free? Well, Mister, I think we have ourselves a deal.
Vasectomy.
I’d like to donate five dollars and a pair of tin snips for the operation.
Pecilectomie’s are a lot cheaper. Just stick it in a Bostitch and grind away.
Hammy, that doesn’t count. He asked for “crazy” ideas, not ideas that will improve all of mankind.
Every sperm is sacred…
Taco, I think you misspelled “scared” here.
[minirant] Not every idiot spawns idiot children. Some very nice, intelligent people have sprung from the loins of Sparkys. And to be fair, some Sparkys have sprung from the loins of perfectly nice and intelligent people. The sister that I don’t like could easily qualify as a Sparky, as could her daughter. Her sons, with the exception of her son with ADHD and FAS, are wonderful, intelligent, and productive members of society. I know it was a joke and maybe I am being overly sensitive today, but I don’t think believe in forced or coerced sterilization. [/minirant]
Ignore the word think before the word believe.
Forced? This Sparky asked for ideas…:-)
Kelli, you’re right. Not all Sparkies breed Sparklings. But the converse is not true. Sparklings typically are not the offspring of normal folk with adequate saliva control.
This is where we get the saying, “The idiot doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
(I don’t mean to offend you or insult anyone in your family. Maybe we’re all snarking a little too hard today. I blame Hammy.)
I am sorry to inform you that Hammy has reached his quota of blame for the month, if you would like to be placed on the blame waiting list for next month please leave a message after the next ice age…
Blame waiting list?
No, thank you. I’ll take my accusation business somewhere where they know how to treat customers like human beings. Perfectly blameless human beings who didn’t ask for this and have better things to do today.
D, no offense taken. I have seen idiots produce idiots and I have seen idiots produce remarkable human beings. I have also seen remarkable human beings produce idiots. I think it is a recessive trait like red hair.
I would like to force sterilization on you so that you don’t spread your overly sensitive crap to your children through your behaviour. kthanxbai.
Eunuch-ectomy.
I’ll give you $5 if you never, ever post anything on craigslist ever again.
That’s related to my thought – I wonder how many people he knows (somehow, I am guessing this person is male) who would pay him money just to go away. As long as possible if not forever.
Here’s a crazy idea: If Sparky can graduate high school (or get his GED), get a job, and show up for work on time every day, I’ll bet an employer will give him money every single week!
Wow, my head is spinning from such a crazy, nutty idea.
That’s crazy talk!
Yeah… everyone knows he’ll be paid every-other-week.
I’ll give Sparky twenty dollars and all the beer he can drink if he’ll come to my family reunion and let everyone throw live ‘possums at him. I’m sure the thing about rabies is just an urban legend.
Man, my family never has a possum toss…
I know, right? Damn, girl you have the best times.
It’s even more fun if you give the ‘possums a bit of corn squeezings first. They are mean drunks.
Oh yeah, Mr. Sparky? Well, here’s something I’ll bet you won’t do for any amount of money.
Go to the store, pick up a box of tampons and then when you get to the checkout line ask the clerk to do a price check for you over the loudspeaker.
*puts checkbook away…with confidence*
Or have him find the prettiest cashier and ask her if she can help him find an incontinence product that will fit better than his current brand.
Ma’am, would you recommend the Summer’s Eve scented douche, or the strawberries and cream one? Hm? Oh no, it’s not for anyone in particular. I just like to keep some on hand.
Ghostie, we have a frequent customer who is a lovely older gentleman who has some trouble remembering which brand of adult diaper his housebound wife prefers. He will find the nearest clerk, male or female, and ask for help picking out the right ones with no trace of shame and embarrassment.
That’s actually kinda sweet ♥
Now that is a good husband!
If he’s willing to have breasts and/or three testicles under his chin surgically implanted, I’m not sure you want to gamble with your checkbook on this one.
“Three Testicles Under his Chin” is IF’s cover band for “3 Doors Down.”
*waves out across stage at the lurkers*
“Group” participation means all of YOU!
Now, come on up here and do your part! We don’t bite…..well, Hammy might, but he’s had his shots so there’s that.
I’m sensing some brilliance out there, so prove me right.
Hey, I’m half-lurker (my mom’s avatar’s family came from Nocommentistan) and I’m participating.
You may be getting a false positive from my plastic skull novelty lamp.
Dear Sparky,
I am in possession of a single, rabid honey badger. For $10 could you please spend the day with it upside down in your pants. I’ll trust you not to get hurt by it at your discretion.
Dear Sparky, I need someone to haul away guano on a regular basis. In fact, you would have to gather it up first, and then find somewhere to dump it, and put it in your car and drive away.
IfWhen you return, I’ll pay your gas, any dumping fees, and help you get the smell out of your car. Deal?Bird Poop Taxi is IF’s The Cars trash metal band.
Hammy and Taco in the box today because, you know, typewriters. Somebody remember to throw food in for them.
I’ve got a couple of extra ‘possums …
We were watching an episode of Penn and Teller Tell a Lie (new series on Discovery, highly recommended) last night in which they featured a story on a guy who cooks gourmet roadkill. I think having Sparky tag along for a few meals with this guy would be good.
I’ve never learned so much about botulism in 5 minutes before.
I LOVE that show.
I know about botulism!
I wonder if he’d consume some for money…
[corey]
I recently worked in a pharma lab that manufactured it. I still get the giggles that the safety documentation specifies “no mouth pipetting”
It is the most potent neurotoxin known to man.
The first symptoms are droopy eyes, blurred vision and lax facial expression followed by a descending symmetrical paralysis. You really want to catch it before it descends to the heart and lungs because then you can usually avoid a protracted stay on life support.
There was a cosmetic surgeon who was trying to do his botox procedures on the cheap and purchased his toxin directly from a lab rather than a pharma. He managed to get a hold of lab-strength toxin, not cosmetic-strength and didn’t adjust the dosage properly. He then had a botox party where he injected 6 people, including his girlfriend and himself, with enough of the botulism toxin to kill about 1500 people.
They managed to call 911 and get treatment in time and all survived.
I don’t know if his girlfriend broke up with him or not.
I’m going to shut up now.
[/corey]
People who inject deadly toxins into their faces in an attempt to stop aging deserve what they get.
I do believe that would have stopped them from aging.
I wonder how much money Sparky wants for the three-balls-under-the-chin surgery. I’ve had a nice Friday morning chuckle picturing that.
*rummages thru wallet and purse*
I have a coupon for Logan’s Roadhouse and some AA batteries and chewing gum and bandaids and a pre-licked lollipop. With hair stuck to it. Maybe that would be enough for one testicle under the chin.
Still chuckling.
I’m wondering whether he knows that breast implants aren’t real breasts, and where he expects to gets the genitals to attach to his head.
Just because it says “balls” doesn’t mean that they have to be testicles. I’ve got a whole bag of Atomic Fireballs and a stack of freshly Xeroxed twenties I’m just dying to put to good use.
Well, what do you know? According to Google, they do have fake testicles.
http://www.neuticles.com/
Yup, for those who don’t want their dog living with the stigma of being one of several dozen other dogs at the park without testicles.
Huh? Self-esteem? People who put out good money for this have more money than sense…
False testicles are also in use for human males who need a replacement or two.
It seems remarkably silly to put them on pets.
I wonder if trucks have low self-esteem…
“…genitals to attach to his (fore)head…”
Either a unicorn or an elephant he’d be.
I hope he can find an athletic supporter that will fit his face, otherwise every time he goes above a brisk walk he’ll be in danger of giving himself a black eye with his extra one-eyed monster.
Three Balls Under the Chin is the name of my Asking Alexandria cover band.
(Go ‘head, Google Image Search it.)
I’ll give Sparky my bunch of expired JCPenney $10 coupons if he tattoos “I suck at Craigslist” on his forehead and posts a photo of it with any CL ad. Just to warn people.
I’ll throw in a dollar for that
Hm. I’m torn between:
~ Naked belly-flop into a pool filled with jell-O
or
~ Visit the Humane Society cat-room after bathing in tuna juice. Also naked.
I’m too tired for this crap; I’ll be in the corner.
Wow, you mean you can get MONEY for doing crazy things? All this time I’ve been doing it for Klondike bars.
See what I mean about the (mostly) lurkers?
This one damn-near gave me a sinus enema…it’s only my superior control that kept…
What?
Too much information?
Alrighty, then. Carry on.
Before I answer this, I’m going to need to know what he considers to be a “Permanent injury,” since plastic surgery seems to be A-OK.
Well he said he won’t amputate anything, only have things added… I suggest he has a brain added
That would be a terrible waste of a perfectly good brain.
Why you wanna punish a brain like that? What’d that brain ever do to you?
Well, let’s use this one. It belonged to Abby something.
Hmm… what do we think it’d cost to have Sparky get a clue surgically installed?
If by surgically installed you mean being beaten roundly over the head with a heavy object, I’m in for $5.
I know some guys who owe me a favor and don’t ask too many questions.
“don’t ask too many questions” is IF’s The Proclaimers cover band.
It’s called a “Clue by 4”.
The entire game or just the candlestick?
Candlestick … but the lead pipe is acceptable as well.
Sing the entire score from the H.M.S. Pinafore
in opossum latin
Ooh, a plan fiendishly clever in its intricacies!
or, as the Brits say, intricacies.
Welcome, and please continue to comment, TC!
I will pay him $5 to stand on a public street corner near a comic convention for 32 hours while screaming “Star Wars is overrated and Richie Rich is the best comic ever!”
I’ll pay him $10 to stand at a StarTrek convention with a sign saying “Janeway was the best captain.”
Not wassname – the Scott Bakula guy?
He’s kinda unknown, due to the obscurity of the series. Janeway is, generally, more recognized and more hated.
<3 Bakula….Quantum Leap.
Wait… people hate Janeway? I guess I’m glad that for most shows I casually watch and don’t get involved in fandom.
I don’t like her voice but the character is okay.
Enterprise was just vile.
I’d give him $15 to go to a StarWars convention dressed as Spock.
I would do that for free.
Two words and I bet he reneges:
Human Centipede
i’ll give Sparky a dollar for every day that he stays off the internet, and, i’ll send the dollar every day as an email attachment.
Again with the brilliance! You peeps need to speak up more often!
Second that, subbie_333! Please comment early and often.
New offer: $5.36 to read aloud every piece of Star Trek or Star Wars slash fiction while standing in a kiddy pool of gelatin or chocolate pudding in the middle of Times Square starting at 9am on a Monday.
7 a.m. is even better. People will already be on their way to work … even in TS. 8)
Consider it amended to 7 am.
And then he should sing “Putting On The Ritz”….
In a Mr. Peanut costume.
Made of real peanuts. And then we release the squirrels!
Go visit Cake Wrecks today for squirrelly goodness.
recomposed
by Sparky McLoaf
And I would do anything for cash,
I’d sew balls right onto my chin.
I would do anything for cash,
I’d eat the contents of a garbage bin.
And I’ll always be needing the cash I seek now, oh yeah, all day.
And I would do anything for cash,
Oh, think up sumthin’ I can do for cash,
I’d do most anything for cash,
Maybe even that.
Yep, I might try that.
How ’bout some public T-shirt time.
Lick your dishes ’till there’s no more grime.
I need OBO’s, don’t stall, as there are some things that I need.
And if you have got the dough.
I’ll take anything you can throw.
All I ask is that you hold my beer while I stitch up my head.
And maybe I’m crazy.
Oh I’m wacko and I’m broke.
I know you can help me, no one else can help, it’s no joke.
As long as it’s real official.
As long as it’s some wild shit.
As long as there’s no amputation, you’d better believe it!
That I would do anything for cash,
Tat’ a red table onto my ass.
And I would do anything for cash,
I’d swallow anything that’ll ‘pass’.
But I’ll never forgive myself if the vid’ don’t go viral.
I would do anything for cash,
Post a comprehensible ad,
But I just can’t do that.
No, I can’t do that.
I have $5 and some change. I dare Sparky to read The Eye or Argon without breaking down.
But then Sparky probably can’t read.
If you eat the package of no longer identifiable mysteriousness at the back of my fridge, I have a shiny quarter with your name on it! It shouldn’t hurt you… much.*
*No guarantees
I’d like a one-paragraph proof of Fermat’s Last Theorum. Payment upon delivery.
He should have to do a dramatic reading of Twilight dressed as a Sparklepire (ie: doused in glitter)
It’s either very very late Friday night or much too early Saturday morning. In any event, here’s the overdue Punchity Punch Punches for Hammy and Taco.
Good Morning, Evel Knievel!