YSaC, Vol. 1101: Not so Super Trouper.
Secret room for rent
I have an extra room for rent behind my house.
This is the ideal location for a person who enjoys privacy since this is an underground bunker.
I call it the “Eco-Pod”.
I only come down here in an emergency. The bunker is located 17 Ft underground and can only be accessed by a secret staircase below my garage.
It has everything you need to live. As a matter of fact you can stay underground for weeks at a time. Perfect for stoners, video game junkies, hiding from ex girlfriends, or avoiding the authorities.
It has everything you need to enjoy yourself; guns, knives, lube, porn mags, punching bags, nun-chuks, and a Swedish suck machine that mounts to the wall for those time when you’re between girlfriends.
It is nice and quiet since the concrete reinforced walls are made to withstand grenade attacks.The rent is $250, with a month to month lease.
I am a pretty laid back landlord and I will stay out of your hair, but I may need to all of sudden use the bunker to make my final stand.
I have an ongoing feud with some of my neighbors, and these two guys down at the gas station.Email if interested.
Swedish Suck Machine. That would pretty much have to be an ABBA cover band, wouldn’t it?
The only thing this is missing is a reference to zombies. That’s how you’re supposed to survive the zombie apocalypse, right? With ammo and sex toys?
Thanks, Sarita!
I’m surprised that you didn’t mention the assault rifle on the wall or the angry look on his face and clinched fists. Personally, I would be looking for manacles on the walls and blood stains.
Given what he’s stockpiled the place with, I’d be more concerned about stains of a different sort.
Hmm. It’s $50 cheaper than what I pay now, but it doesn’t mention a bathroom. And I’m sure I don’t need a Swedish suck machine. Whatever that may be.
I think I’ll pass and stay with Mom and Dad.
What could this guy know about being between girlfriends? I’m sure that his debonair manner has the ladies flocking to him. Yes indeedy, he sounds like a winner and a half.
Also, I’m sure that the lease is month-to-month because previous renters haven’t
livedremained in the metropolitan area long enough for a year-long lease.What could this guy know about being between girlfriends? I’m sure that
his debonair manner has the ladies flocking to himhe’s never been with a “woman” who didn’t have a power switch.FIFY
AR, you may need a matt tag or two there. 8)
Wow. It’s the decore that really works for me. If I was thinking of a place to live, a place that’s 17′ below ground with bare studs in the walls, no light, and a chance to have someone run in when his paranoia hit maximum is the first place I’d think of.
Well, maybe not the first. I’m sure there’s an outhouse somewhere for rent. That would be just in front of this place.
Paranoia Hit Maximum is IF’s Tears for Fears cover band.
Huh, that’s Lars Olafssen.
So when he’s using that wall-mounted machine, does that make him Bangin’ Olafssen?
Ouch.
Sheet rocker?
Stud finder?
Crack spackler?
I call it the “Icky Pod Crane” named after one of my favorite horror stories.
Or, “The set of Human Centipede 3.”
Wow, a cozy little Unabomber-style bunker all of my own – complete with knives, lube, and ammo.
Sparky really knows how to sweet-talk a girl.
That’s the BEAUTY of it! You don’t have to sweet talk a Swedish suck machine.
But you just know he does anyway. I bet he even gave it a name, like Inga or Sven.
…or Precious…
True, but it does like a little foreplay.
Or what enthusiasts like to refer to as “polishing the plug.”
“If there’s rum in the barrel, you gotta pound the bung-hole.”
No, Officer, I only met him a month ago when I rented this bunker out here. I don’t really know anything about him. Somebody firebombed his house? Wow, the bunker walls really are sound proof. Yes, he did mention some enemies, now that you mention it. My name? Lisbeth Salander.
Who likes short-shorts?
Me and a buddy were discussing this just the other day. If they are Daisy Dukes on a girl, what are the short cut off denims on a guy? Daisy Lukes?
No, Monkey…they’re the stuff nightmares are made of.
Danny Dukes, obviously.
I was thinkin’ Davey Dukes…
Jayne!
The pants they call Jayne!
They hug to the hips and drop to mid thigh.
They have those tattered bottoms and look quite fly.
Our love for these half pants ain’t hard to explain,
These pants that are skimpy, the pants they call Jayne!
Hasselhoffs?
Here’s a short story for you, TM:
Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps. He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump.
As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps. They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.
They finally decided on…
…Humphrey.
Oh, short-shorts………..never mind!
The box is loaded today! Manda and Hannah, Hannah and Manda! Have fun, ladies.
Manda Manda bo bana
Hannah Hannah fo fana
Fe fi yo Nana.
Bananas!
I’ll bring the Thin Mints!
Beanie!
EEEWWW!!!!
Is he related to Josef Fritzel? Do his neighbours think he’s a quiet well behaved young man?
* I now need a shower and a cuddle with a fluffy cat *
“EEEWWW!!!” was my first response as well.
And so far, still my only response.
I’ll be in the brain-bleach jacuzzi if anyone needs me.
RRRRRRAAAAAMMMMMMM!
You know that freaky guy in “War of the Worlds” that let Tom Cruise and his kid live in his basement? I bet this is how he started out. Yep, that could be a young Tim Robbins.
“and a Swedish suck machine ”
Um. I’m not positive what that is but I have an idea. Would you want to use someone else’s suck machine? It’s probably been used before, right? Um. Well well. Yeah.
I’ll take “Things not to buy used” for 800, Alex.
You know it’s probably eaten up with vermicious kinids.
They make an ointment for that now.
Or so I hear.
If the ointment doesn’t work they also have a tiny comb.
Swedish suck machine = vacuum from Ikea
That’s what I’m trying to tell myself, anyway. Excuse me, I need to go boil my brain in bleach for a bit.
(o/t) There’s a guy I’ve worked with for years that was recently moved to my department. He asked me a month ago to add him on my distribution list on my emails re shipping and testing. Of course I forgot. I saw him this morning and he reminded me about the emails. While I’ve chatted with him for EVER, I don’t know his last name. To avoid admitting that I casually asked him “So exactly how do you spell your last name?” He said, very slowly and clearly and with a funny look on his face: “S. M. I. T. H.”
Yay, way to impress!
Smooth, Monkey.
Like buttered sandpaper.
I know, right? We’re both smokers and we see each other in the Smoke Shack here, we shoot the breeze about family and the weather etc. So I’ve double impressed him: 1-It took me a month to remember to include him in info distribution and 2-While we’re cancer-stick buddies, I never bothered to find out his last name. All I need to do now is like trip and spill coffee on him or cut him off in the parking lot.
Awesome! I’m on FIRE!!!
Well, it could have been Smythe. Or Throatwarbler Mangrove.
The Fair Housing Act protects everyone from discrimination based on ethnicity and national origin, religion, gender, sexual orientation, disability or handicap, and their familial status.
Someone needs to contact the Department of Housing and Urban Development. He makes it pretty darned plain that he doesn’t expect to be renting to someone without an ex-girlfriend.
A woman or man could have an ex-girlfriend.
Well, and technically, FHA only applies to those operating lease/rent housing for profit (or while using FHA-supplied funds).
Department of Housing and Urban Development? I’m thinking more Department of Homeland Security.
Or someone without use for a “Swedish suck machine.”
Or to a female, for that matter. It’s a boy’s club house. No girls allowed!
The only thing scarier than the person offering these lovely accommodations would have to be the person who looks and says, “Finally! This is the place I’ve been dreaming of!” This is the kind of person who bedazzles deer hooves.
More like the type who collects butterflies and likes to put the lotion in the basket.
[OT]*Le Sigh*
One of the recent Facebook “likes” for YSaC is making the duck-face in her profile picture. It’s very distracting… and enraging.
When, exactly, did looking like a moronic douchesilo become trendy/sexy?
*Goes off to rage in the corner*
[/OT]
I used to have a roommate that did that in EVERY PICTURE. I only ever threatened to light her on fire once.
You are a stronger woman than I, noni.
http://www.rubberduckface.com/
I’m a kind, gentle creature.
Have a little compassion. Slow-motion facial implosion can strike any time and any place. It can even happen to people who have the good sense to like YSaC. I can only hope that someday we will find a cure for this terrible scourge.
So please give generously.
Slow-Motion Facial Implosion is IF’s Talking Heads cover band.
http://uglyduckface.com/
It’s a cult!
I’m on board with drmk… I was kind of disappointed when I read his “final stand” was against his neighbors/guys at the gas station. I want this to be about zombies. Television has taught me that they are attacking Atlanta, and I need a bunker to hide out in.
Everything that happens on TV is real, right?
Of course, zombies are SRS BSNS.
Rules of Zombieland #2: Double tap!!!
And talk about a poor choice of adversaries – they could be literally swimming in flammable explosive liquid!
“Say hello to my little Zippo-friend!”
In the event of global thermonuclear war, my glow-in-the-dark corpse would come back to life to point and laugh at this guy standing outside of the stairwell into his shelter trying to yell “I told you I’d evict you if something like this happened; now get out!” through the sound-proof shelter at his renter, who’s sitting safely inside and counting his lucky stars that the only place he could afford to rent happened to save him from the radiation.
Yup. One sentence. Gonna be one of those days.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing:
Dumb landlord: I told you I might need to “all of a sudden use the bunker”!!
Renter (with all the guns, knives and ammo): No!
“This M16 says you don’t ‘need to’ right now.”
In my post-apocalyptic utopia, all clothing worn below the waist shall hang no lower than mid-thigh!
In post-apocalyptic Russia, clothes hang YOU!
I wish I was making this up. Unfortunately, I’m not this clever.
As a technical writer, I have edited papers for family and friends since high school. I edited two PhD dissertations for family friends, charging them a tenth of what professional editing websites offer. I recently decided I’d try to augment my income by offering editing services on our favorite crap-for-sale-by-sparkies website. Here’s a link to my ad.
http://lascruces.en.craigslist.org/wet/2598511310.html
Last night was the first response I’ve gotten to my craigslist ad. Here’s the discussion that took place. I’m protecting the wannabe customer’s name in the hope that she eventually does her own work.
Sparquette
Hi, Im interested in your services, but how do I know you’re not a scammer?
me
If you would like, I can provide references. I have edited two PhD. dissertations. One covered the significance of art on Native American pottery from the Southwest region and one covered metallurgy of artifacts from the British Isles from the Dark Ages.
Sparquette
Yes, I would like references please. I looked for writing services online and they were all scam so It’s not easy for me to trust. Do you know anything about philosophy?
me
I only concern myself with the grammar, spelling, and structure of the document. I didn’t know anything about pottery or metallurgy before reviewing those documents.
Sparquette
Oh ok, I’m guessing you will not be able to help me?
me
What type of review are you looking for? What type of document do you have?
Sparquette (emphasis mine)
Oh I’m sorry I didn’t mention it before, I have to write an essay about an ethical issue for my philosophical class and I have to present in class and talk about it for 20 minutes. I just don’t have an idea where to start from, what to talk about, etc. and was looking for someone to write it for me.
me
I can’t help. Thank you for the best laugh I’ve had in years.
I thought about saying something else, like “I can’t write for you, but here’s a topic for you to consider – the ethics of paying somebody else to write your papers”. I also thought (not seriously) about taking the job and handing her a paper that very clearly states it was written by somebody else. My wife recommended I turn her in, but she never says where she goes to school. I looked at the online phonebook for the college in my town, but she’s not listed. Of course that doesn’t mean anything ’cause that online phonebook sucks. So I figured all I could really do is share this bit with you guys.
I have nothing to say, so I’ll let this cat do the talking.
You’re nicer than me, I would have quickly plagerized something I found easily online and sent her that, citing all my plagarized work with where I stole it all from. I would have also made sure that I cited things that contridict each other so that the argument would be deeply flawed.
But I’m a vindictive jerk like that.
Another idea:
Take the money. Write the paper in the smallest font allowed by her class. Insert a sentence halfway through it that says:
If you’ve read this far, congratulations! I am the author of this paper. (Ethics!Sparkles) paid me ($ amount). You now have an unparalleled lesson in ethics to share with your students.
I bet Sparkles wouldn’t actually read the paper before she turned it in.
Hmmmmm. Where have I seen this sort of misunderstanding before?
If you pay me, I’ll write a website for you that features this sort of thing.
Or, you could have written an essay for her on the ethics of paying somebody else to write your papers, charging her a fair sum as a ghost writer. She would have received an acceptable grade for a spot-on essay of an ethical issue, and the other class members would have learned a valuable lesson (No doubt you would be getting additional business from the other class members). A win for all……..
Say, I was born in Las Cruces. Is Nopalito’s Mexican restaurant still in business?
Yes, and it’s one of our favorites. There are currently two locations. We occasionally chuckle at the fact that the word “nopalito” refers to cactus pads, which are not served at the restaurant by that name. As for other places you might remember, we’ve lost Little Nellie’s but the original Nellie’s is still in business, and we’ve lost Henry J.’s, which was always my favorite burger joint.
I was last in Las Cruces in the late 60’s. Nopalito’s originally was in an old house, but moved to a church (an x-church by then) in 1968 (or there-about). I was going to NMSU. A bunch of us would go to Nopalito’s on a Friday, once or twice a month. They didn’t serve booze, but would let us bring in a few six-packs of beer to go with the dinner. I don’t remember a Little Nellie’s or Henry J’s, but as you can tell, it’s been a while……
I wonder if he would just rent out the suck machine for maybe 5 minutes?
Gary, you’d have better luck posting an ad on Craigslist. Really.
Of course I want to rent a room which seems to have no bathroom or kitchen facilities from a paranoid man who cannot get along with his neighbors. I see no way this could possibly have any negative consequences.
“It is nice and quiet since the concrete reinforced walls are made to withstand
the blood-curdling screams of more than a dozen teenage girlsgrenade attacks.”Well, put that way, it sounds so much better!
Comes with complimentary basket of lotion.
Brings new meaning to the term, Bath and Body Works.
Raymond Marble looks so different without the ‘stache.
I suppose renaming this site “You Swedish Suck Machine at Craigslist” would not help with the Google Ads issue…
Who ever rents this place should probably invest in one of these babies,
http://store.lighttherapyproducts.com/index.php/products-for-seasonal-affective-disorder/light-visors
…if they actually plan to, what was it? “…stay underground for weeks at a time.” Oh yes. Underground for weeks at a time. Lovely. Just my idea of a good time. Self-inflicted Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. Any Northern Exposure fan knows this is not a good idea, just ask Walt. =)
♫ I’ve got rhythm,
Circadian rhythm ♪……
So this is where the President of the He Man Woman Haters Club ended up.
Any bets his nickname is “Spanky”?
I’m moving in to this place!!! It sounds great!!
And I have the perfect furniture for it too. Just bought a bed set from a fat 61 year old and his/her 19 year old partner.
Oh! And I’ll decorate it with the Quarrel Castle as soon as I get a fish tank. I”ll sell that Swedish thing to finance the deal.
So I guess the zombie chicken assault weaponry and the baby crib found a new home… I love happy endings.