YSaC, Vol. 1087: You know those secrets that you keep? KEEP THEM.
Me and my lover bought a new bed and no longer have use for this bed. We been together for about 3 months now and its getting pretty serious. We needed to upgrade into a king size bed. This is a great deal for only 40 bucks. the only problem it has is that we have done some sexual stuff in the bed and there is some “other stains” we tryed bleaching it. they wont come out but fourty bucks is good deal.
hes 19 , white about 148lbs
me 61 white about 280lbs.this might help so you know how we sleep
if up still avail
Why in the name of Serta PerfectSleeper (which is my new drag name) would I need to know ANY of that information? How does being white affect how you sleep? What have you been doing that bleach won’t take care of? AND WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL OF THIS?
Unfortunately, we already know that the brain bleach won’t work on this. Thanks so much, Kate.
I’m 24, white and about 200 lbs, also I’m totally grossed out by mock-quoted descriptions of stains resulting from bodily fluids.
This might help so you know how I decide what to buy on craigslist.
Me thinks that “61 white about 280lbs” is just bragging to anyone who will listen that s/he snagged a “19 white about 148lbs” boyfriend.
.
And by “snagged” do you mean “drugged and tied up the pizza delivery boy”?
Ah, marinara sauce and anchovies making for difficult stains . . .
Neither partner in this coupling has the right to brag about anything – except for the ability to write puke-worthy posts. Seems to me these are the people who compete in “Worst _ in America” type competitions. It makes me think of a competitor who can’t carry a tune in a bucket and has to write the lyrics on his/her arm, but somehow thinks he/she has a serious chance at a major record deal and a 40-city tour schedule.
Now that I’m done overthinking this post, I’m gonna go huddle in the corner with a glass of cognac and one of my three cats, whichever one’s most in the mood for endless pet-ums.
I didn’t even think about the 61-year-old being a guy! o_O I just thought, “now what 19-year-old boy in his right mind would have a ‘getting serious’ affair with a woman old enough to be his grandmother?!?!?!”
But, as two guys, it makes a TINY bit more sense. No offense intended to anyone. I just can’t fathom a Mrs. Robinson thing actually occurring if the woman is 40 years his senior. But, I guess stranger things have happened.
Don’t know why I’m even bothering to find logic in a ysac posting…
And furthermore, ew about the whole “other stains” thing!
New YSaC motto: “Abandon logic, all ye who enter here.”
Lasciate Ogne Logica, Voi Ch’intrate.
Is that what it says on the tin?
I’m just praying that s/he mistyped his/her age… @_@
So: S/he is twice his weight and three times his age? What if this is the ex of that guy that was selling the headboard with the one side labeled “whore”?
‘there is some “other stains” ‘
That stain might be the greasy spot left after a skinny white dude gets crushed under 280 lbs of sexually quivering FLESH!!!
Ohhh. It’s barely 7:am here and I already need some Pepto. Herp.
But which one of them slept on the whore side of the bed? Perspiring minds want to know.
Pretty sure they took turns.
Well, you know there’s that formula for figuring out the acceptable age range for a partner:
x = (-b±sqrt(b^2-4ac))/2a
where a is the age difference between the two people, b is the difference between their two heights, and c is the difference between their two weights.
Let me just plug that bad boy into the catulator here… carry the duclaw, press the kibble key, and…
Just as I suspected. x = Ew.
Heh. “Squirt”. Heh heh.
Heh. “2a.” Heh heh.
Good Lord, FM! I have to work today!
*herk*
I…um….*herk*
Oh, my…just a…*herk*
Nope, not…gonna….happen…
*herk de herk*
I think we’ve found the soul mate of the guy who photographed the teapot for eBay with his overweight, naked self reflected in the metal.
Wait, your relationship is “getting pretty serious” so you need to upgrade to a king size bed?
Well, it’s not quite brain bleach, but what I’m getting from that is that they want to be farther apart from each other. That’s a good thing, right?
Well, if they’re getting real violent and doing like sexual gymnastics, a king sized bed maybe the only bed big enough to contain their, “love”, if you know what I mean. It kind of breaks the mood when one of you ends up in the floor. Not that I know from personal experience. Of course not.
I mean, rug burns are bad, but they ain’t got nothing on the marks left when you hit a hardwood floor doing eighty. Cause, you know, splinters.
Again, I don’t know this myself. This is just what my cousin, er, Chunky Monkey told me. She’s kind of wild.
Doing eighty what?
You know…ninjas.
They need a bigger bed because the young one needs to get a running start.
I pretty much just assume that everything offered for sale on CraigsList has, at one time or another, been involved in a sexual act of some sort so this ad is slightly less squicky to me than it should be.
Still … ewww.
ghostie…I’m worried about you, hon.
I worry about me sometimes too. Then I start thinking about cookies and the feeling passes.
Yeah, I’m trying to imagine the sweet ass-rocket shoes being used as a marital aides.
It could be done – all you would need are some bungee cords, a smooth driveway, and discreet neighbors.
Yes! That’s putting such a sweet ass-picture in my head!
Yeah, you’ve got a serious ass picture problem.
(I hope you were alluding to Sifl and Olly. If not, you should have been.)
No, I’m alluding to this kind of stuff:
http://xkcd.com/37/
LOVE that website.
<nahnahnahnahnahnahnahnahnahnahnahnah>
*thinks only of mocha-espresso cookies with mint white Godiva ganache frosting*
Oooh … Those sound good.
Between the sheets.
The proper term is: My lover and I…..
*geez*
Well, only if that is two separate, real, corporeal, beings . . .
<*gak* raspberry-filled hazelnut wafers with dark chocolate icing . . . >
NOT.Helping.
JUST…NOT…
*herk*
The safe word today is “herk.”
Ads like this make me think fire is a valid solution.
Okay, since Taco’s not done it yet:
SEX ON FIRE!!!!!
Sex on Pudding (indelible stains)?
*Fire Required on Brain Aisle One, Stat!*
Pudding On Sex?
*Crushed Oreos in cream cheese dipped in bourbon-chocolate icing*
Kelli, it is. That’s why the second to last page in every military training manual is blank, and the last page reads only, “When all else fails, kill it with fire.”* Very few people know that.
*This is highly unlikely to be true.
Buckets of fire.
Truckloads….no, tanker loads….no….entire fleets committed to….
Sigh…still not enough.
Sigh.
I’ll go get the sun.
Liar. There’s no way 2 people are sleeping in this bed with one side shoved up against the wall and containing the remains of the week’s dirty (likely disgustingly dirty) laundry. Someone here is wetting the bed and thought they could come up with a less awful story for the stains. They would be wrong. I’d rather buy your pissed on bed than your racist love mat.
Yeah, we get it.
Picture = You sleep like a couple of slobs + 993 more words
Bwahahaha! I read that as “racist love meat”.
That may prove to be the more accurate description!
Serta PerfectSleeper is IF’s The Firm cover band.
(or was that Queen ) ?
My new drag name is: Fourty Bucks is a Good Deal
I’m just glad “Other Stains” isn’t your drag name.
It’s available. Get it while it’s hot! 8)
I think “Hot Other Stains” is IF’s Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band.
I’m feeling evil today…don’t make me record me reading this ad to you. None of us will sleep for a month if I do.
Oh just do it Manda. You know you want to. And I could use some cookies and milk.
I have 2 1/2 loaves of pumpkin bread left. Need more eggs if you want me to make cookies.
Oh, yessss, recorrrrd it.. Plleeeeassse.
I will email you the eggs and please record it.
I did my best to stay true to the punctuation and what I felt was the true essence of this post. It is slightly less creepy than the creepy ape voiceover, although if Hammy works his magic on this one it could be horrifying!
http://audioboo.fm/boos/485257-if-up-still-avail
PS – Kelli, I got the eggs but they were broken. I think the cupholder on your computer is broken!
Oh, dear god….this is like having Lolita read by Mother Goose…
Don’t tempt me.
It just sounds all chipper and rosey and full of hope.
Not afraid of the mattresses anymore, mom.
😀
Suh-weet
*herk*
Clothespin
*herk*
Jeebus
*double-herk*
No, stains are still there…
http://www.samhaincardigans.com/downloads/xeS.mp3
I heart you, Hammy! Extra belly rubs for the puppy for that one!
PS – Mudsy, listening to that should make you afraid of the mattress again.
*wags*
Not so, swirly-quilt spam-bot – a quick glance through the archives would dispel that notion.
I’m thinking specifically of the couch with auntie-juice stains, but there are others.
Spambot deleted, which of course screws up nesting for ghostcat and MandaB’s comments.
So we only look slightly more mentally off-balance than we usually do.
@ MandaB : It’s barely noticeable.
No. This would be a disgusting mattress. Perhaps alternately known as not.a.bullshit. Possibly, it’s a trap.
Well, naturally, three in the bed is too much for a queen size. Menopause is such a blanket hog.
Whee I’m inna box! *Reads todays submission. Vomits. Collapses into foetal position.*
Um, Mama Windy? Can I put up some metal gates around the box? And an electric fence? And a gun turret so that I can feel a little bit safe after having read that… thing?
Already installed, Jen. Sorry about CJ hurking all day. Would have given you separate boxes had I known. 8)
This is all they needed to say:
“Queen-sized bed available for $40. Bed is only about 3 months old, but I need to upgrade in size. There are some stains on the bed, but you could try bleaching them out. In any case, $40 is a great deal for such a new bed.
If interested, please email. Thanks.”
Gosh, should I try to get a job as a craigslist editor? =P
I’m not going to say anything. I’ll just head straight to the box.
What, no description of the lengths of your man-parts? I don’t think you’re really trying to sell this mattress, mister.
It upsets me to posit it, but I believe Sparky is implying the impressiveness of his ‘man-parts’ by telling us:
ETA: Huh. I just googled conversion for those weights (we work in kilos, where 240 is a BIG number) and Sparky isn’t the heifer I’d assumed he was. Unless he’s like 4-foot tall. ‘Course, a 61-year old with no concept of TMI scoring a 19-year old for extended periods of time (presumably without stupefying and/or restraining said 19-year-old) is still indicative of, shall we say, impressive qualities?
Oh dear lord! I may hurl! While reading this, my eyes involuntarily closed and it took several minutes to regain control of them. Sort of wish I hadn’t.
I need to go wash out my brain now.
Mattress of Ipecac!
I want to brag about the fact that I am a fat, old guy/gal that just snagged some hot, barely legal flesh. What will I do?
Write up an ad that:
A) Emphasizes my partner and my differences.
–and–
B) Brags about my sexual prowess and my sticky “fluids”
What a great plan.
Thankfully, it doesn’t really matter. I’ve seen couples like this in real life, and in most cases, there’s a reason that “barely legal” is with someone who’s ugly, sweaty, and thrice his age. It often has to do with a combination of failing eyesight and unparalleled desperation.
Slash, don’t you believe in love at first, you know, ninjas?
Look what I found in the basement! A Punch-O-Matic Machine. I just type in the names of the people who are in the box and it does the work! Let’s see, CJ, Jen, and Capn– I mean, Spaceman Spiff. Then I throw this lever here — sniff, sniff. Is something burning? Huh. Now’s not a good time to be wondering WHY the machine was in the basement.
All of the above, Punchity Punch Punch! Look out! Run! Oh, the huge manatee!
G’Night, Mattress Bob!
The bleach may not have been able to remove the stains of whatever sexual “stuff” they were doing but I hope it’s strong enough to remove the mental images that are now burned into my brain of whatever caused the stains in the first place.
::reaches for the brain bleach::