YSaC, Vol. 1078: Get your paws on me, you damned sexy apes!
Voiceover “Creepy Ape Man” – day rate
We are a private staffing firm in search of an immediate voiceover opening for our client. Details below:
Our client is looking for a voiceover session for an audiobook recording. Male only, and no professional experience required.
This audition MUST include a reading from the sample below. Any ad-libbing, personality, etc. are welcome as well.
xxx-xxx-xxxx is the job line for this position, open 24 hours. No emails, please.
“Bow, human slaves! We are the great apes, your new masters. We can ride horses, and throw spears, and are stronger than you. Our only weakness is your extreme sexiness. Please, help yourself to these loincloths, and dance in a sexy manner!”
We are looking to fill this position shortly, so interested parties should call our staffing line as soon as possible with a brief, (30 second to 1 minute) example / audition.
You guys know what to do.
Thanks, Stephanie!
“Please, help yourself to these loincloths, and dance in a sexy manner!”
Why, why why does that make me think of Taco? Jebus help me.
FM, I would have thought that Mr. FM would be your first thought – are you telling us he in fact does not ask you to do this? 8) (Yes, I do realize that the species and gender would be reversed.)
I suspect Taco will only do the reading if he can wear the TacoThong and jingle it at (in)appropriate intervals.
I know! Why didn’t I think of Hubby Monkey first? So messed up that Taco jumped into my brain. Maybe I’m spending too much time on here.
Of course, when Hubby thinks “sexy” he thinks drag racing and tearing apart motors. When I hear the Speed Channel on the TV, I just brace myself.
*walks off muttering “wrong wrong SO wrong”*
So uh… are you saying that you guys use 10W-30 instead of KY?
Hey look, the coffee slices are dusted with cocoa sugar today!
Yup, and 10W-30 is a lot cheaper. And at our house “pull out” means a whole ‘nuther thing.
Ew, that ain’t cocoa on the coffee slices.
Well, it’s important to make sure the piston head is kept lubricated. otherwise your cylindar will take a pounding from all that friction. If that goes on long enough, you’ll damage the crank shaft.
*Snags a shovel and starts to dig.*
Are there really intervals when it would be appropriate to jiggle the TacoThong?
On second thought, don’t answer that. No, really, please don’t answer that.
I *almost* made the post title “Except for you, Taco … ” but then decided against it.
See! Even the Llamanun (BBUY) thought that first! I’m not so pervy now, am I?! Yeah, y’all that were thinking I’m weird are feeling purty embarrassed now, ain’t ya?
Well, er, I’m actually still ashamed of myself.
I’ve already said that you are the part of my brain that I don’t let speak or write, so who am I to cast stones – or bananas?
As well – you’re talking to a group of people who have sanctified a llama in a nun’s wimple; you think we’re going to call you weird? 🙂
Heh. “Wimple”. Heh heh.
Uhh… well if I can’t be famous I guess I’ll take being infamous.
“In-famous is when you’re MORE than famous. This man El Taco, he’s not just famous, he’s IN-famous. ”
Slang for Incredibly-famous.
or was that Just Famous in Indiana?
“No beer, just tequila.”
“What’s ‘tequila’ like?”
“Oh, it’s like beer.”
Meej, what is a plethora?
I don’t know, but I think it has something to do with Piñatas.
Ugga… me want Isaiah Mustafa to audioboo.
‘Hey ladies, I’m on a horse’
:dances in a sexy manor and then swoons at the pool chaise:
He never fails to crack me up.
I love it when they dance in a sexy manner while dancing in a sexy manor.
Does Sexy Manor = The Playboy Mansion?
Have you seen “Hef” lately?
In case not, the answer is no.
Sexy Manor is the name of IF’s House of Pain tribute band.
If you are going to dance sexy… do it someplace that doesn’t have cheap flooring.
If you are going to dance sexy… do it someplace that doesn’t have
cheapsticky flooring.There you go, Limey, fixed that for you.
How about that? Intro, entire plot and denouement all packaged nicely into one little paragraph. And who says creative writing is dead?
And thus Sparky ventures into the untapped and unwanted niche market of audioporn.
Is audioporn an offshoot of 1-900 numbers?
Audio porn is only slightly less unwanted and untapped, than its counterpart Braille porn….
So then, if listening to this audiobook triggers my gag reflex, is that audio-erotic asphyxiation?
Many doors, D/DM, and welcome back!
Both audioporn and 1-900 numbers bring back memories of some of my less responsible roommates way back when.
My thought when I read this was, “And now the visually impaired can also
suffer throughenjoy fanfic. Sometimes the ADA may not be put to its best use.”ETA: Written before I saw ghostie’s comment below.
Fanks, Addicted Reader!
*Ineffectual, Love-interest-type Girlvoice* Oh noes! The nasty ape-people are taking over with their horses and strength! If only we’d developed something, anything, in the last thousand years or so which could take down an enemy from a distance!
*Butch, Hero-type Manvoice* Wait, Marianne, that’s it!!! We can use…
*ILG* … our Sexuality?
*BHM* What? No. Guns!!!
And so, the Beginning of the Rise of the
Pecil of thePlanet of the Apes was thwarted, as ever, by Man’s inhumanity to Apes. And boomsticks.The pecil is bad. Guns are good.
How can this be when guns are clearly pecil symbols?
You have to be a tried and true Sean Connery fan to have watched ZardoZ and remember any of it. 8)
Four legs good. Two legs ba-a-a-a-a-d.
Oops, wrong “animals take over” novel.
All apes are equal, but some are more equal than others.
Thanks, comrade.
Je…n’s comment is a perfect illustration of a movie’s storyline that spends most of its time on the wrong side of my personal “willing suspension of disbelief” line.
God didn’t make men and apes equal, Mr. Colt did.
Alternately:
Guns don’t kill people, apes with guns do.
Heston: “I have six words for you: From my cold, dead ape hands.”
Guns don’t kill people, bullets do.
According to Goldie Lookin’ Chain, “guns don’t kill people, rappers do.”
Guns don’t kill people; they just make killing people easier. Monkeys don’t kill people; monkeys with guns kill people. Cake or death?
“Good, Bad… I’m the one with the gun.”
Copernicus begs to differ.
Oh dear Llamanun, the nightmares.
Just a hunch, but I’m betting XXX-XXX-XXXX is the actual phone number…
So Rule 34 as applied to the Planet of the Apes franchise? More insults and stereotypes re my brothers. It’s a sad, sad time.
Holy crapsticks, they’re making audiobooks out of fanfiction now?
Haven’t the blind suffered enough?
Or how about this: Maybe the voice over is for animated porn. Ew.
Like Heavy Metal? Yeah, that’s . . . interesting.
They have that, it’s called hentai.*
*If you don’t know what that is, don’t Google it. Trust me.
Actually, given the Sparki universe is not noted for success,
I’ll bet this is just a cheap way to get “free pr0n” on Spark’s home phone.
Just have this bad mental image that the repeat message button on the machine is worn sore . . .
You’re supposed to suffer for your art. I think.
That’s fine, but I don’t want to have to suffer for someone else’s art.
I don’t see any links to recordings of this excerpt yet. I am disappointed.
We’ve had computer fail at the Lyle household. Later today we will be on the search for a new harddrive. I can’t use my printer, microphone, ANYTHING until that stupid monstrosity is fixed. >.<
I’ll get right on this once I get home this evening. Lyle can attest that I have a very good over-the-top evil villian voice.
Sadly, due to an unforeseen double shift, there may be 100% less of me reading the audition.
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t have access to a source of helium to give this the treatment it so richly deserves.
I will as soon as I get Disapproving Baby down for a nap this afternoon. (Provided she does actually nap, unlike the last 2 days…)
Disapproving Baby is IF’s Grease emo cover band.
I thought Disapproving Baby was the name of IF’s Dirty Dancing-inspired interpretive dance troupe?
Sorry, my knowledge of musicals and the like is rather limited. You may indeed be correct.
“Nobody puts Disapproving Baby down for a nap!”
Doors to Lola!
I’m trying to decide if 5:08 is late enough in the day that I can make the recording at my desk without anyone close enough to care…
C’mon fellas!
Don’t disappoint the llamanun (BBUH)!
Click on the link, record your voiceover and then post the link back here!
We ladies are (thankfully) exempt from this exercise.
Except…maybe…Monica? Wanna sing it for us punkin’?
I’ve got dibs on the popcorn concession!
NOBODY is exempt from this exercise!
Can we get substitutes?
Yeah?
Well, my computer has…umm….
larynjedilaurenjessit can’t speak.*hands Llamanun an excuse slip, which reads…*
“But, you know…ninjas!”
…and the writing promptly disappears, followed by the note bursting into flames.
Request… denied.
Moral of the story: Never get a ninja to write your excuse notes.
This is incredible! I have the same exact message on my answerphone!
“Do you have a small
dogape?”Holy clothespin jeebus, mudsy! You have an amazing memory!
I haz an awe…
Mudsy! I can’t believe you remember that…you must have some memory palace.
I thought YSaC was a vault of precious memes.
😉
Woo, I’m bauxed today!
Sadly, that’s about as much as you’re likely to see me today. Sorry folks, gotta dash.
And just like that “Monkey, please!” takes on an entirely different meaning.
*I know…corner.*
Yo Binch, get down on your Monkey please.
Oooo, the corner is all sparkly today and there’s this lovely painting of Manda and I.
It’s AMAZING!
Down, Hammy…no belly rubs!
Get an old-world monkey, you two!
That’s not me it’s the painting.
“Monkey, please”? Or “Please Monkey!”
Oooh, lookit – corner!
Because I am a dork (and obviously have plenty of time), I did was the llama suggested.
Only I used Songify:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyGRAcK3pQg
Bravo! That’s better than half the stuff I hear on the radio.
@MandaB,
I agree. There’s been a real dearth of bestiality pop lately.
It is enough to drive one apesh*t, don’t you think?
Awesomesauce!
A most excellent production, 2B……..
Beautiful!
Awesome!
I love that it is categorized as nonprofit & activism.
How is this creepy? Sounds
romanticsweetfriendly to me!*Reads today’s post’s title.*
*Pictures Charleston Heston saying it.*
*Throws up in mouth a little.*
*Goes back to bed.*
I heard it in a young Roddy MacDowall’s voice.
Jesus, I’ve been away for too long. I don’t get the YSaC in-jokes anymore. 🙁
I mostly wanted to say that you need a superlative form of the “possibly awesome” tag for ads like this…
There’s a solution to this problem, you know — you need to come around here more often!
I agree.
Not to overwhelm you with memes, but it’s totally splangdorf that you’re back.
Thanks, I… think…
And hang out at the f/b site, too <G>
You asked for it:
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12455155/ysac-ape-voiceover
On the one hand, you seem like you’ll be suitably cheap. On the other hand, we’re not sure it’s creepy or apey enough…
On the other hand….I am a zomb….
I get the twang and the menacing gestures, CJ, but for some reason I always thought you were taller…:)
Sigh….I used to be….
It sounds like Antonio Banderas meets Half Life. Very cool indeed!
Hmm, I got Antonio B plus Jürgen Prochnow, which, I must imagine, will be a different sort of monkeyplease for our audience here.
Ugh, this sounds like the guy who always comes up to me in the subway and needs directions/instructions on the farecard machine/my phone number.
Well done, CJ. I was hearing a young Schwarzenegger, but perhaps I’ve had too many steroids……
Coffy, exactly what I was getting. Now get out of my brain or at least take the boots off.
Creepy for sure!
(Did you see what I did there? If you say that out loud, fast, it comes out “Creepy O’Rapey,” which happens to be the name of the author of this book!)
Wait! Wait! How is it that you know that Creepy is Irish, D/DM? We were keeping that information back to identify the real pervert from the impostors.
This is very suspicious….
What a day to check back in… Well, as Llama-nun requests here is the link to my… Oh wait, Fire! Maybe later!
I’m now going to utilize this when “You know, ninjas” is not situationally appropriate.
Welcome back, Steve-O! Please come by more often. When there aren’t fires.
There are times when “You know… ninjas” is not situationally appropriate?!
I have my doubts, Lola.
Dammit, Taco! Steve is finally back and you have to set the pudding on fire!
Well if pudding wasn’t so combustable…
Oh, wait … flaming ninjas!
I think they prefer to be called “Fabulous Ninjas.”
Well, I think they prefer to be called “Flaming Fabulous Monkey Ninjas”.
Flaming Fabulous Monkey Ninjas is the name of my Village People cover band.
There are times when “You know… ninjas” is not situationally appropriate?!
Taco, those times come up frequently at school – we use “You know…. 1st graders.”
IF, I thought it was the name of your Fabulous Thunderbirds cover band.
Let’s see if this works…
I only read children’s stories aloud these days, so that’s what you get!
http://audioboo.fm/boos/470907-disapproving-baby-s-mama-reads-creepy-ape-man
It’s sort of extra creepy that way…
You win teh Internets today.
You know…when you say it like that….it’s…it’s….well, it’s uber-creepy.
*shudders*
That’s just…..wrong.
I think I hear the Berenstain Bears weeping in the corner.
Manda – That brings back fond memories of my 3rd grade teacher.
My daughter is sick. Really sick. And she’s a chip off the old block.
(I’m SOOOOOOOOOO proud!)
I love you.
I swear I don’t really read books to my kids like that.
Now behave or I’ll read and record “There Are No Monkeys” and then you’ll all be sorry!
You have a beautiful voice!
Beautiful.
I love the twang. And the way you said extreme sexiness — well, words cannot express what I’m feeling. 8)
Evil Manda…hahaha!
http://www.samhaincardigans.com/downloads/manda.mp3
(I spent entirely to much time doing this, but it was totally worth it!)
Paul is dead? Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!
:: Runs from the lounge sobbing like a little girl that ::
::just lost her puppy to a rare but always fatal disease::
Look, I’m really very rules-oriented and do what I’m told to do – so when our Llamanun (BBUH) said we had to do a voice over, I called the number in the posting and all they gave me was a different script. I went like this:
“Get off my lawn you damn kids! I am your old neighbor and one of us is powerless against the other. I can use my walker, shake my cane, and steal your football when it lands in my yard. My only weakness is prunes and metamucil….”
It went on from there, but I fell asleep and don’t remember the rest. I have to go now – somewhere – I think.
Wow. I thought I had seen it all in the world of romantica. I’ve seen shapeshifters of every sort, gay men with women, gay amish, paranormal Amish, and slash fic of every sort. But this, this just takes the whole biscuit. Ravenous Romance by any chance?
Ok, here’s mine.
Edit: Well, it’s not there yet, but that’s the link.
All business with your reading, Eh AR? I would not have expected anything less – well done………
Damn, girl…you had me at “This is….” 😉
It’s an audition, one must be professional.
http://audioboo.fm/boos/471310
That should hopefully be mine.
They are “still processing” your boo (and AR’s too). I uploaded one about 2 hours ago and they are “still processing” mine. I think the audioboo staff went home for the night…….
That was worth waiting for, kelli. Not quite as breathy as Marilyn Monroe would have done it, but very sensuous just the same……..
Creepily awesome, in a Disney-esque kinda way.
(Mis)heard just now:
“My Michelle
Sunday monkey …”
YSaC continues to take over my brain. 😀
Clearly that’s one of those Lennon-McMonkey classics.
Well, shoot! I was hoping to hear what it sounded like before I posted it. I had to use an old headset as a mic cause I didn’t have a microphone – that may have made me sound a bit feminine. Anyway, it was the best I could do. Here is my assignment:
Creepy Ape Man
Oooh…”Candyman”….you’re hired!
Very very cool. And a bit foreboding.
Hired!
OK, it kinda sounds like I’m faking… But I swear I’m actually sick. (And besides, if I was faking, I’d say something like “Sorry, Rob, can’t come in to work today, I’m dying of the plague.”)
http://audioboo.fm/boos/471365-sick-of-those-dirty-apes
OK, I was sick of AudioBoo taking three years to process, so I did another one for youtube……
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNgUGhrD46c
Ah! That was hilarious but I really want to give you gallons of lemon honey and ginger!!
That was too funny. The sick-voice somehow made it both more and less intimidating. I’m not sure I could keep a straight face if an “overlord” tried to order me around like that.
Feel better!
Oh EB!! Here, have a cough drop…and some Dayquil…and echinacea…and a warm blankie, some chicken soup, a box of kleenex….
Wow EB! Rob will surely give you the rest of the week off if he hears this. Here’s wishing you a speedy recovery……….
Dang, I think you overwhelmed AudioBoo. None of these last few are available. 8( I’m gonna go complain on Facebook.
Everyone will have to check back here tomorrow. I hope mine works!
It just worked for me 🙂
I tried this and found it really really hard not to do it an American accent. So this is me pretending to be a ‘Murcan, and this is me doing a (very self-conscious) Koiwoi eksint*.
*Note rising inflection only kicking in half way through due to years of training to make the bugger go ‘way.
I like the one with your normal accent better.
I keep wanting to hear David Tennant do this….
Taco, wasn’t sure you’d be awake last night for this: Punchity Punch Punch! So I saved it for this morning. Yeah, that’s totally what happened.
Good Morning, Pierre Boulle!
YEA FOR REDUXES!!!!!!
Sorry I’m about :checks watch: a year and a half late, but I recorded my audition! Is the position still open?
http://audioboo.fm/boos/1453854-sexy-ape
ghostcat— you don’t have to apologize for being late- you’re “the talent.” We insignificant little people apologize for being (checks watch) a year and a half early. Please proceed…..
I cannot adore this enough! Thanks for doing it!
MissMommyNiceNice! Did you know you were in the box? Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Ape whose name is Ape!