YSaC, Vol. 1074: I gotta do what I dang-ol’ gotta do, man.
2011 September 8
One of our stupid hobbies* is making up ridiculous stereotypes. You know, things like, “Everyone knows the Dutch are terrible at crossword puzzles.” Or, “Belgians can’t make fire.”
Some stereotypes just perpetuate themselves, though:
if any one got aweight binch
im in need of a weight binch i ant got mony to go buy one if u got one tht u want get out they way email me at redneck_fo_life1969@xxxxxxxxx.com
I hear this in Boomhauer’s voice from the King of the Hill. Ayup. Mmmm-hmmmm.
Thanks, kelli!
* We have many, many stupid hobbies.
Jeff? Is that you?
*gets out guitar and twangs it*
I ain’t go no money
Na-na na-na
I ain’t go no binch
Na-na na-na
If you got one free
Na-na na-na
I’d be otta this pinch
Na-na na-na
I ain’t got the weight set
na-na na-na
I ain’t got no bread
na-na na-na
Alls I got is Craigslist
na-na na-na
An that’s when I said…
I’ve got the “Aint-got-no-binch-or-no-money-but-I’s-gots-my-post-up” blues.
Binch, please.
Binch?
Please.
Please?
Binch me.
You’ll never please your Binch if you keep making remarks about the weight.
Yes please.
That binch be crazy.
But she can get-r-dun*!
*I truly want to vomit every time I see/hear this saying. Assume I just made myself sick.
Give em’ a binch and they’ll take a counrty mile.
I thought it was “cuntry myull”
Well, ain’t that a Binch!
Excuse me, stewardess?
I speak redneck.
Have a door, even though I hate that movie (#1 funniest comedy of all time? Really?).
Surely you jest.
I’m not jesting….and don’t call me Shirley!
Cool it, Francis <G>
So, have you ever seen a grown man naked?
So, like, where is everyone? Lola and Sis get extra points for showing up today.
*huffin’ and puffin’*
sorry im late i was gonging thru my grarage i ant got no wayt binch but i do got sum numbells sparki can email me at you_so_dum@MONKEYPLEASE!!!!!.com
It would be so awesome if MONKEYPLEASE!!!!!.com was an actual email account provider. Just another way to make the family roll their eyes at the black sheep.
I know, right?
I was here earlier but the post wasn’t.
Same here. Except it wasn’t.
I wasn’t here earlier, and the post wasn’t.
Then, I was here and the post wasn’t.
Then, I was here and the post was.
Weird.
CJ, where were you when I took a WHOLE semester of Philosophy, when you have just summed it up in one short comment?
P.S. Hope the fires are not anywhere near you.
I hope that for CJ, and, more importantly, Penguin, who is down in the Austin area.
I’ve fires to the south of me, only one and two counties away. Those have been under 100 acres, but there are nearly a dozen of them.
I’ve also fires to my SW, two and three counties away (Bastrop & Williamson).
They got a MD-11 fire tanker into Bergstrom (Austin’s airport) to work the fires, but they ran out of light hours for the pilot, so it’s sitting on the tarmac right now.
Wind is out of the north today, so no smokey pall over things.
bin buzy pakin upt hous an all. dint kno no one wer talkin normalt ayar.
makint me feel ahl warmt n fuzzi alt ower, it das.
Yeah, um … I may have accidentally set the post to not go up until 9 pm at night. Oops. Dan fiximicated it for me.
Many bees to the Ostrimu!
:stuffs bees into computer cup holder:
As opposed to 9 pm in the morning?
So here’s my story, I’m sure you guys can appreciate it:
As I was checking email/FB/YSaC for the last time last night before bed, I noticed that I had left iPhoto open to the new facial recognition feature. So I started confirming/rejecting facial matches. There were a lot of them. I did this for 7 hours, until Mr. AR’s alarm went off.
Name ALL the faces!!!
Oops.
So then I slept ’til noon and had to hurry to get to the lab. I was planning on coming in late anyway, since I’m on the ‘scope ’til 10, but wasn’t initially planning on coming in quite that late.
I’ve been eaten by school and band.
Oh, sorry, it’s a themed day, isn’t it?
I dun bin et bah school and bay-und. Life shore is a binch, a-yup.
I got 99 prolbems, but a binch ain’t won.
Hey, it’s the Binch that stole
ChristmasEnglish.How The Binch Stole Virginity
Sparky was a loser
Was sad, but was true
He couldn’t find a girlfriend
He’d tried the classifieds, even the zoo.
He needed to improve himself
But he had no cash.
He went to the internets
And it came to him, in a flash!
“I’ll buy a weight binch!
That’s what I’ll do!
On Craigslist I’ll find one!
Maybe I’ll find two!
“The tables! The bee-trucks!
The nacho cheese fountain!
No, I don’t need this stuff
But I’ll keep on scoutin’!”
Not finding a weight binch
(He needed it so bad!)
Sparky worked up his courage
And wrote a sweet ad.
Sparky got his weight binch
And then for it he paid
His muscles grew three sizes
And then Sparky, well, he got laid.
I was a little offended until I realized Sparky wasn’t calling me names.
Yeah, this wasn’t in the M4W section.
“You might be a redneck if your email username is redneck_fo_life1969”
Might be? Primate, please! (Sorry, is that talk too fancy for this post?)
El mono, por favor!
And if you should meet a Welsh monkey, it’s:
Mwnci, os gwelwch yn dda
I love that Welsh for monkey is mwnci. Just one vowel, and it’s at the end.
Doesn’t that make it Italian then?
One vowel at the end scans as Czech for me.
Now I’m checking to see if “mwnci” is pronounced “throat-warbler mangrove.”
Dang it, it’s “maown Key”
[wanders off grumbling, just not in Cymru]
It’s one of those all-time great email addresses, just the thing for applying for white-collar jobs.
If not quite to the nadir of anarcky_rulz123@[provider redacted] who made repeated attempts to be hired in financial & hospital security. Over 700 at last count, enough to become the least bit famous/infamous in that trade. Said worthy apparently unaware that their social networking sites containing a number of things that would be a bar to employment (admission of theft and embezzlement and OTJ drug use) are as easily searchable as the public records arrest database.
Swuft is as swuft does.
As if Sparky McDurDur will be applying for any white collar jobs anytime soon.
*non-issue*
Well, the national chain places that hire brake, tire, such similar auto workers, all now need an email address on the applications (which, more and more, are only online).
I think I mentioned awhile back that we had someone submit a job application via email and they used “pimpinhoz@[emailprovider]” or something like that as their email address.
Calassay!
You might be a redneck if you own bench weights but no bench.
With all these redneck jokes of urine, I node you benign and you varicose to pissn me off.
Ain’t got no binch, So
Ain’t got no spell-check, Poor
Ain’t got no money, Honey
Ain’t got no class, Common
James Rado on line #1 for Dave and/or any available Ferret.
8)
Mom? ( http://www.yourdoseoflunacy.com/2010/05/that-dude-is-funny-he-should-be.html )
Well, that explains why the Belgians can’t make fire. Their tusks get in the way.
*nods wisely*
But they’re really handy for carrying those brewing casks around.
But Belgium Doesn’t Exist!
Heh.
With no apologies to Billy Idol…
“Sparky made a post but he got no mony
Wants aweight binch not a bedazzled pony
Hey if you got one you want out of they way now
He can pick it up but he can’t pay now
he can’t pay now he can’t pay
I said yeah…yeah…yeah…yeah…YEAH!!!
’cause he’s a redneck
fo life
fo life
yeah a redneck fo life
He can’t pay, there’s no way,
but he’ll take your weight binch away…”
Billy Idol, Tommy James and at least one of the Shondells, whatever they are, exactly …
I had a binch to sell you, but it got aweigh.
You needed an anchor.
Sadly, the anchor’s aweigh, my friend.
Just weight till it gets back. It can’t be aweigh forever.
Then you can binch in on bored.
[several germane coreys]
An anchor is aweigh when it is free of the bottom and “hanging” from the ship–the anchor rode tackle bearing all the weight.
Once loose of terrestrial hold, the ship then gets underway. The ship then begins to gather “way” from influence of wind, current, or propulsion. When sufficient velocity in the water has been achieved to have a response to controls, the vessel is said to have “steerage way.”
The tune “Anchors Aweigh” used as the Service Anthem for the US Navy is actually the “fight song” from the Canoe Club (aka “trade school”) there in Annapolis, MD.
Which probably is as sensible as how the US Army’s Anthem is derived from a marching song used by the Field Artillery Corps.
Probably only the Coasties have a purpose-built Anthem. The Marines do have one, but they insist it is a Hymn.
[/corey]
Germane Coreys is IF’s Okay Go cover band.
Piddler on the hoof
If I were a binch man,
Ye ha yippee ki yay, bubba Gump is deedle deedle dum.
All day long I’d sitty on my biddy bum.
If I were a weighty binch man.
I would have two cars in my yard.
Ye ha yippee ki yay, bubba Gump is deedle deedle dum.
If I had an itty biddy binch,
Ye ha-yippee-dippy-binchy man.
*just piddled my pants*
*Hands Mudsy a dry pair of binches*
Thanks Hammy. I borrowed a pair of lederhosen from IF. But I’ll keep this pair in the car.
A Dry pair of Binches, is IF’s B-52’s cover band.
I’ve been wondering where the rest of IF’s lederhosen went. The pair I found draped over the ceiling fan in the box were marked “Tuesday” across the back. What pair do you have, mudsy?
Funny. Mine says, “Week 3”
I found a pair of pink flannel ones with kittens on them under the red table. Must be IF’s jammies.
I found a pair of surgical stockings in the corner marked “Biohazard”. Who do they belong to?
Mr. Winky
Just to clarify, MF: are the hose or the corner marked “Biohazard”? It matters.
Lola: Yes.
Dammit, ghostie, I told you those were my formal pair.
And remember, dry clean ONLY ladies.
Polynesians are kick-ass at crocheting. However, Mongolians can’t knit worth a darn.
Belgians: inexplicably terrible at backgammon.
But their waffles are deeeee-licious!!!!
Swedes are allergic to rubber.
Little known fact: Australians are terrible at grilling.
Except barbies. Though why they want to melt those plastic dolls all over open flames is beyond me.
Luxembourgeois: can’t ice skate.
Nazis all pee sitting down. And they cry when watching Toy Story 3.
Russians are terrible lovers.
The Dutch worship Elmo.
Canadians are filled with candy. And bacon.
The Portuguese can’t whistle.
Armenians like to juggle live porcupines.
Hungarians: secretly allergic to paprika.
Not much of a secret when they whip out their epi-pens and try to get the swelling down.
Now, that’s not fair. The poor Russians are probably no worse at love than the average redneck (“this wont ‘urt, did et?”).
Their problem is the Russian language. The deepest and most profound of love-struck verse still sounds like tank maintenance instructions. Which is probably why Russians are far better known for ballet than opera.
Well…the Russians are better lovers than the Finnish.
Why? Cuz all they wanna do is finish?
BWAHAHAHA!
And the Emmy for best statement or the obvious goes too…Mudsy
*and there was much rejoicing*
I read like a book…a Dr. Seuss book…
I need to save my brain synapses for bigger things like Schrödinger’s cat ruminations.
Mongolians are all hoarders.
Really? I thought that the Barbarians were the hoarders…you know…the Barbarian horde….or was that the Huns?….*sigh*
French Canadians are addicted to Dr. Pepper. 8)
Peruvians hate llamas.
Greeks become depressed when denied olive oil for too long.
Crap, FM. I think my mom may be a Nazi now. But at least I know my Dr Pepper habit is genetic.
All Spainards secretly know French but will deny it to the death. Germans are part hummingbird. Irish men all want to be accountants, but only a few are selected through a lottery system.
Hmmm, Irish CPA a concept right up there with Welsh.
Lloyd Llewellyn ap Llwcid, CPA as eerie a thought as Padric Aeon Xavier O’Toole, CPA.
Everyone knows that Colombians can cancan from birth.
Argentinians are born with peacock tails.
Also, you shouldn’t give your ant money. They just spend it all on sugar.
Oh, trying for a two-fer in the box, Missy?
Give that binch aweight.
Binches love aweight.
Wabbit Season!
Dewe she stood in the stweet
Smiwing fwom hew head to hew feet
I said “Hey, what is this”
Now baby, maybe she’s in need of a kiss
I said ” Hey, what’s youw name baby”
maybe we can see things the same
Now don’t you wait ow hesitate
Wet’s move befowe they waise the pawking went
Aweight now baby, it’s aweight now
Aweight now baby, it’s aweight now
I took hew home to my pwace
Watching ev’wy move on hew face
She said ” Wook, what’s youw game baby
awe you twyin’ to put me in shame?”
I said ” swow don’t go so fast,
don’t you think that wove can wast?”
She said ” Wove, Wowd above,
now you’we twyin’ to twick me in wove”
Aweight now baby, it’s aweight now
aweight now baby, it’s aweight now
Dat’s aww fow now, take cawe and I’ww
be back wif mowe in a few days
Earworm aquired.
Elmer Fudd sings Bad Company…..
“kill daaaah waaaaabbittttt!…”
“All Right Now” is my alma mater’s unofficial fight song. No, really. I don’t understand it either.
Dangol hippies can’t even getta fightsong rightImean it’s spposta goall like din ditta DIN ditta DIN dubba dubba dubba notsome dadgum funky stonerrock nall.
*raising my lighter*
Play Freebird!!!!
It is apparently inappropriate to use your zippo app to simulate holding a lighter and yell, “Freebird! Freebird!” during a performance of “Sweeney Todd” and even though the security guard that escorts you and your friend out of the hall is adorable and will ask said friend out for coffee, your friend will never forgive you and will completely deny that it was his idea in the first place which will lead to you not talking to the friend for years and finding out that Jenny (that skinny binch) got to be godmother to the daughter they adopted even though you had been promised that honor.
If that’s wrong, kelli, I don’t wanna be right.
:holds up marshmallow on stick:
Bring graham crackers!
kelli – But there’s an app for that! Why have it if you can’t use it?
Nope, no buried resentment there, kelli, not at all.
I am not saying that you should not do such a thing, just that there may be consequences.
AR, I never said any of that happened to me or at all. It could be completely hypothetical.
Wow, Kelli, that was one long sentence. Impressive.
EDIT: I mean the one that was a paragraph. That sentence. The long one. Up above. You know. Ninjas.
FM- I am extremely good at run-on sentences and I enjoy them despite the fact that they are heavily discouraged by grammarians and most of the sentences could easily be broken into smaller sentences and I was often reminded in third grade not to use them in my homework and consequently, I avoid them in all my academic endeavors now, but I still use them recreationally on things such as this blog, Facebook, or my leisure writing.
That first one was not really a run-on sentence. It was a well-constructed complex sentence.
@gc: Graham is on a cracker now?
HAY BRANDINE!!! I GOTS TO GO BUY A WEIGHT BINCH FOR’N TA GET MA MUSCLES ALL BIG ‘N RIPPLY!!
Yikes!!! Massive Power Outage Hits So. Calif.
San Diego bore the brunt of the blackout that started shortly before 4 p.m. PDT (7 p.m. EDT, 2300 GMT); most of the eighth-largest U.S. city was darkened. All outgoing flights from San Diego’s Lindbergh Field were grounded and police stations were using generators to accept emergency calls across the area.
Windy – Hope you are OK…….
She checked in on FB. Power back on 2:30-ish or so, and yes! She is expected to go to work tomorrow. 8)
Someone help me push this pallet of coffee slices over to her corner, please.
*looks up from half-consumed pallet of coffee slices* I’m fine. Just wonderful. Sleep is highly overrated. zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Oh, kelli, punchity punch punch! G’Morning, Thomas Edison!