YSaC, Vol. 1070: I want to be the girl with the most cake.
doll parts, first come first get
i’ve always had a strange fascination with bald dolls. however, my therapist says i should try to give up my collection, so the first person to come get them all wins. i’ve got probably 500+ dolls, all with hair removed. let me know if you’re interested
By fascination, Sparky means fetish. And by ewwww, I mean … ewwwwwwww.
No, that’s not fair. I’m not going to judge anyone by their fetish. I mean, just because someone likes Balding Barbie doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with them. People are free to indulge in things that make them happy; otherwise, there’s no explanation for the sheep, trapeze and trampoline in our rec room.
Um. I mean, who put those there? *cough* Stupid ninjas.
Speaking of bald dolls, and ninjas …
Mannequin with rare movie quality headmask – $1500
This is a mannequin with a rare silicone head and chest piece with rooted eyebrows and skin so realistic you can see the veins and pores of the skin. The headpiece can actually be worn and moves with a persons own face. It is so realistic that it was used for both home and business protection by placing it in front of a computer with it’s hand on the mouse for the home and dressed as a security guard for business. I am asking $1500. for this one of a kind lifesize figure. Perfect for home protection or as a security guard for a business to deter theft. Phone xxx-xxx-xxxx or xxx-xxx-xxxx. These photos don’t do it justice. You really need to see it to appreciate how realistic it is.
I … um. Why is he wearing pajamas? And how does a man sitting in front of a computer wearing pajamas protect anything? I mean, it’s a guy sitting in front of a computer. It could be a blogger. Or Scott Adams. I’m not afraid of Scott Adams wearing pajamas. Especially if they’re feetie pajamas. That doesn’t scare me.
Oh wait … yes it does. Never mind.
Thanks, NP and Lindsay (who both sent in the first ad), and Julie!
That’s not a mannequin, Sparky, he’s just really, really lazy. I’m impressed that you’re asking $1500 to have someone take him off your hands, however. Most people want to get rid of their louts for free. Or for $1. Whatever your firm OBO prefers.
Oh good! A friend for Bea Arthur and Spiderman. My home will be more secure than ever.
But now you’ll have to deal with those late night parties those three will have. The mess of paper, wax and cobwebs they always leave behind. And who knows what they will do when you’re not home.
You seem to be forgetting terracotta cheese-fro Lionel Richie.
Might you possibly have a bald Lionel Richie doll? Or is “Bald Dolls” the name of IF’s Velvet Underground cover band?
I thought that was the Violent Femmes. Good to know.
Bald Dolls is a Moby-Michael Stipe collaboration project in which they do New York Dolls songs.
Those dolls would make a great prank. Put them all in your kitchen late at night and wait for the screams from your significant other in the morning.
You could build a snowman (or dollman) out of the bald Barbie bits and make it look like it was sitting at the table!
“Spoon” somebody’s yard with these dolls, all facing the door of the house. Get creative. Spell words in the ground. Segregate them by gender. Color the dolls and arrange them to make works of art in the yard. Imitate some of Calvin’s snowman artwork. That might require fairly large dolls, but Sparky’s collection of over 500 might have a few that could work.
I’m now picturing Van Gogh’s Starry Night done with painted bald Barbies on someone’s lawn.
With sufficient quantities of glue, paitence, and insanity, you could make dollmen out of smaller doll bits.
Brings new meaning to the term Pointillism.
We’ve invented a new school of art – Barbiebarism. The artists could be Barbiebarians.
You are a genius.
Conan the Barbiebarian will have me laughing all night.
“I am…..
*strum strum strum strum*
disturbed….”
Huh… interesting artistic choice on the mannequin.
I’m not sure that I would have put the eyebrows on his chest piece, but then I’m not brave enough to go against the status quo.
I guess the plaid, 90-year-old-man pajama pants are just icing on the artistic cake. An artistic cake made out of dung.
I want to know why Sparky felt the need to include an extreme close-up of the dummy’s lips. I do not want to know why it looks so … moist.
What good are fake lips if you can’t make out with them?
No good, I say! No good at all!
*Mwah*
:puts Brain Bleach on stove:
I’d better put the extra-large pot on for Lyle.
Are any of those dolls haunted? I only want the haunted ones.
With or without an interest in water sports?
Is it just me, or does that second one kind of look like the love child of Patrick Swayze and Patrick Stewart?
I was thinking more like Marc Anthony and Richard Ramirez.
Willem Dafoe and an angry honey badger.
Yeah, I don’t care about that one.
The love child of Vin Diesel and Peter Lorre… plus being hit in the face with a shovel.
In an effort to
avoid actual workfurther mankind’s knowledge, I offer this translation of Sparky/Sparkle’s ad.I have dismembered all the dolls and sorted the parts according to how tingly they make me feel.
I am a weirdo and freely admit to it.
My therapist also says I should stop licking people on the subway.
Nobody really wins in this scenario.
I stopped counting after five hundred. I pretty much live in a house-shaped lump of bald Barbie bits. You will need to bring a backhoe.
If you take my precious babies from me, I will follow you home.
I think that’s pretty much what Sparky’s therapist said too.
After the screaming stopped.
You mean “when” the screaming stops.
No, you mean “if” the screaming stops.
I’m pretty sure the therepist had to write it down during the screaming.
Being able to scream and take legible notes simultaneously is an impressive skill.
Picturing Spark’s therapist being behind armored glass.
Also, picturing that Spark’s “therapist” is an out-of-order ATM, too.
Since my first thought of “Spark’s therapist” was “[Y]ou, know, ninja…”
It’s also possible that Sparky’s “therapist” is a tasty sammich.
My “therapist” is Ben & Jerry’s Cake Batter ice cream.
My “therapist” is Bud Light. Thank you.
My therapist is … empty.
*shakes flask*
Put it under your pillow and the Flask Fairy shall fill it while you sleep.
So…we are expanding the definition of “wins” to mean something like “should never procreate and needs an intense emotional experience with a therapist”?
Plus….a ‘hug-me’ jacket, and lots, and lots of prescription psychotropics.
Did someone say Thorazine?
*Edit- I guess not a psychotropic, but I like saying it anyways.
[psychiatrist_corey] Thorazine is totes a psychotropic! It’s the very first antipsychotic and it was a miracle drug in the 1950s. It allowed many people who had been chronically institutionalized to return home and have actual lives.
That said, thorazine is unlikely to help this dude. He’s just creepy.
[/psychiatrist_corey]
I wish I knew there was a market for bald dolls! I just gave all mine to the thrift stores. No, I wasn’t allowed to have scissors as a child. After the first six incidents. Why do you ask?
After the “Joan of Arc” incident I wasn’t allowed near matches.
Oh..don’t downplay it by calling it an “incident.”
That’s how they referred to it at the parole hearing.
This gun is only legal in 6 states… and this isn’t one of them.
I had a strict upringing in which I was forbidden to do a lot of things. It was a condition for renewal of my dad’s homeowner’s insurance.
“I am … doll parts …”
Courtney Love can’t even give herself away these days.
ETA: CRAP! I didn’t even notice the headline until now. I think I need a bigger flask and a pallet of coffee slices today. Oh well.
I think you are helping lame people like me who were not hip enough to get the title reference. 8)
Yeah, what Windy said. Hell, I hardly ever get the title references or some of the comments *cough*Dave and His Merry Band of Ferrets*cough* most days.
Oh, good! I’m glad my stupidity can help enlighten others. 8)
If you shine a light just right on all the bald Barbie heads, they could beacons on the pathway to knowledge…
Dave, I know you will do your best to keep the Ferret Tribe in line and out of the bucket today. 8)
This message is for otter only! No one else read this!
otter, I answered your question about the fb group in yesterday’s comments this morning. Hope it helps. If not, you can find my real name in the forum. Friend me with YSaC in the message and I will get you in.
*not peeking for sure*
*tee hee*
The adults are talking and we can hear them!
You’re so kind. You referred to them as “adults.” That should make their heads swell for a minute.
We can hear them, but it sounds like “Wah-wah, wah wah-wha-wha.”
Eh! Eh! Whadderyouwhippersnappers whispering about now!? [waves cane]
Always skulking around whispering!
Ukids, Geddoffamahlahn!
[mutter,mutter,mutter,mutter]
<subsides>
*totally ignores Windy’s message to the otter guy/gal, has no idea what’s in it (facebook), and has no intention of commenting on the fact that I did not read the message*
And . . . Noni! on f/b woo!hoo!
Thank you! It is so exciting to have secret messages sent to me via YSac…. and no decoder rings or anything!
Things to make for the home:
Take 500 bald doll heads and remove the left eye. Drill a pinprick hole in the left eye and add a small motion sensor. Replace the eye. Mount all the heads on rotating stepper motors, and find some open-source software for control and combine it with some motion tracking software.
Now you have a room full of rotating bald doll heads that will detect movement and turn to “look” at whatever just moved. Put the room between the entrance of your house and the living room. Now invite some friends over to watch the big game.
Profit!
For bonus points, create a recording of children whispering “Come play with us.” and have it play randomly so that it’s barely audible.
Hey! You just described my last birthday party!
I totally need an invite to the next one! You totally need to go with a sacrificial goat theme.
Y’know — stop me if this seems twisted — but maybe my elbow-knees could use some motion sensors, stepper motors and assorted software…
And LEDs. Most guys love little blinking lights almost as much as they love shoulder knees. Combine the two and you could rule a large portion of the world.
And replace the non-motion sensor eyes with red laser pointers. A few dabs of silver paint and it would be like hundreds of tiny Terminators following your every move.
You say that, but, there is a company that makes over-realistic plush breed-specific dogs and equips them with red LED eyes and motion sensors to turn the head. Low human-range (25-60Hz) speaker for the “dog noises” too.
There’s nothing in our febrile imaginings, dear Horatio, that someone is not marketing on the intertuubs.
The bald dolls make me….sad.
Sigh….
No, really..and there’s a reason. A great aunt had a daughter. In the 1940’s *something* happened to said daughter – no one knows what, for sure, though we all speculate – and when daughter was found in a closet, she had totally regressed to baby-state never to return to the land of “Here and Now”.
Her great joy in life was when her mama came to visit the home she was in and brought her a new doll.
She spent hours and hours plucking the hairs from its head, one by one.
When great aunt died, there was a collection of bald dolls found neatly stacked in a closet in her house.
This is Debbie Downer, reporting live from Sadsville.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled snarkaliciousness.
Wouldn’t $1500 pay for a decent security system? Then you don’t have to risk this guy coming to life and dismembering you in your sleep.
Oh, where’s the fun in that, AR?
Having bald dolls laying all over your house and front yard seems like it would be a far more effective and cheaper security system.
Er, not for those of us who inhabit apartments. I’m pretty sure that would be a cheap, effective, and quick route to eviction.
I’m thinking awesome decorations for a Halloween party. Yeah. And melt a few of them in the microwave first. Yeah. Hum. *makes notes* Mooowahahahahaha!
I like the way you evil, FM.
That, and those indentured to HOA would not have a good time of it, either.
Hey, if you’re going to get ousted by the HOA, you might as well do it with flair and in a way that they’ll never be able to forget.
Preferably with a trebuchet.
No, Officer, I don’t know know anything about the 20 pounds of doll heads that were lobbed over the freeway.
Well Mr. Henderson would say it was me, he doesn’t like me very much since I dyed his poodle in red and aqua stripes in retribution for it pooping on my lawn.
Yeah, they called it the circus tend incident. Made national news, actually.
No, that’s just a decorative Medieval engine of war. And no, you can’t play with it unless you have a warrant.
So what if you have me on speed dial, people are just wired to overreact.
Oh sure, just one small unlicensed nuclear device melts down and somehow ends up in my trashcan and everyone freaks out.
Oh, yeah, sorry about the hair thing. I’m glad most of it grew back.
The dolls will be perfect for my Toy Story/A Chorus Line – The Musical mash-up puppet show!
That would be a great show!
Provided you wanted to be scarred for life and see it in your dreams every night.
What? No Rocky Horror…?
Oh, there will be plenty of horror.
How about “Hair: The Regrowth”.
Anyone else been thinking about the Play-Doh barber shop all morning?
No. Just chi-chi-chi-chia!
Two things:
1) I’m a big fan of craft websites and I could see some Martha-Stewart-wannabe doing something creative and lovely and one-of-a-kind for a centerpiece with the bald Barbies.
2) The next time Mini-Monkey’s biomom starts in with her nastiness and threats I could send her a box of these in the mail. I can imagine her opening the box and seeing the grinning bald heads and naked bodies. Heh. Heh heh*.
*Sorry for the bitterness, biomom has given us a very rough few months.
Yeah…nothing could possibly go wrong there.
Dave and ferret tribe, here’s you Keeping Up Appearances Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Bild Lilli!
It’s me again…. I found the information on the Forum… but come up with nothing when I search FB… I guess I need a decoder ring after all. Or perhaps it is the ninjas…. bad, bad ninjas.
Try going “Here”
Thank you, Spaceman! You were our only hope! Looks like otter made it in. I just added someone. I sure hope it was otter. Hmmm. We need a secret password. LOL
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Presented without comment: http://chzb.gr/oKPUSC
Someone email Nick Cave this advert – he could use them. http://www.google.com.au/imgres?q=nick+cave+artist&hl=en&sa=X&rls=com.microsoft:en-au:IE-Address&rlz=1I7ADRA_en&biw=1280&bih=588&tbm=isch&prmd=ivnso&tbnid=UhsQa0AkjqqN_M:&imgrefurl=http://i-am-light.blogspot.com/2011/05/nick-cave-artist.html&docid=k2idgt43A4zSUM&w=600&h=800&ei=SMZiTvfvLcHmiALj6sy7Cg&zoom=1
Sorry about the giant link – I have no idea how to do a clever “here” thing.