YSaC, Vol. 1053: This armed bear bears arms.
Snuggle Bear – $20
Snuggle Teddy Bear, in excellent used condition. No tears or stains. Measures approx. 15″. The tush tag reads Snuggle ©1986 Lever Brothers Company and Russ Berrie & Co., Inc., Made in Korea. I’m giving a generous discount on this bear at $20, since I’ve seen this same bear go for $40 – $45. Just a few examples: http://www.earthling.com/11735/PictPage/3923840435.html
and feel free to look at similar bears like this little guy being offered at places like ebay.
As a bonus, with your purchase, I’m including absolutely free, a folding knife with the image of a polar bear stalking across a frozen wasteland.
Ordinarily, I wouldn’t want the Snuggle bear OR the folding polar bear knife. But this person is absolutely right: together, these two items can be put to excellent use …
Ah, much better.
This does give me hope that I’ll be able to retire on the mad, fat cash I get from my Farrah Fawcett pillow.
Thanks for the ad, Ellen! … and thanks to Dan for the beautiful, undetectable Photoshop job.
“I’ll take Extremely Tenuous Connections Between Objects” for $300, Alex.”
‘Cause everyone knows bears aren’t dangerous. Just sayin’.
Bears that hang out in your laundry are very dangerous. They keep the stains in and make new ones.
bcuz I’m a bear
Not sure how you do that, IF, but I reserve my rights!
Edit: My link didn’t pop up. http://www.google.com/imgres?q=i+reserve+the+right+to+arm+bears+t+shirt&hl=en&gbv=2&biw=1366&bih=677&tbm=isch&tbnid=wTqaJZsNmTBYIM:&imgrefurl=http://cgi.ebay.com/Right-Arm-Bears-Animal-Rights-T-Shirt-Quantity-12-/150348176776&docid=zsdbZsuE0W-OSM&w=265&h=299&ei=QUNETs3fMMKSgQeq_KXGCQ&zoom=0&iact=hc&vpx=725&vpy=130&dur=2050&hovh=116&hovw=103&tx=108&ty=37&page=1&tbnh=116&tbnw=103&start=0&ndsp=33&ved=1t:429,r:4,s:0
How about now….
An animated plush bear frolicking in the laundry room while brandishing a pocket knife? That sounds like one of those horror movies that air only at 1:00 PM or 1:00 AM.
Oh, and Sparky might want to re-check how much those things are actually fetching on eBay.
Okay, does anyone else remember a weekly show by Rod Serling in the 70’s called…umm…I think it was “Night Gallery”?
In one episode, this woman bought some six inch high tribal figurine on a trip abroad and when she came home, he came to life and proceeded to kill her..and some guy, too….with his teeny knife.
Trust me, it scared the clothespin jeebus outta me when I was young.
So, where was I going with this?
Oh yeah…because, you know…ninjas.
Psst! CJ, if you tell me what this part was supposed to say, I’ll correct it for you:
when she came him he came to life
Unless, you know, when she came, him, he came to life is correct. Ew.
I remember that episode so I know that it should read:
when she came home he came to life
A similar thing happened to me after drinking José Cuervo all night…….
Yeah, Windy…what you and Coff said. Mostly what Coff said…except the Cuervo part. It could have been a part of the story, but I don’t remember it.
*places birdseed in computer ‘cup holder’, pushes closed*
Birdseed is on its way!
*hears grinding, notices smoke coming from cup holder*
Is it supposed to do that?
Uh, the Cuervo incident had to do with little tribal figures, not typos. I now avoid tequila whenever possible…..
I’m trying to post a response comparing the birdseed to a burnt offering, but WP seems to hate me today.
( http://literarytravesty.wordpress.com/tag/addicted-reader/ )
Done, CJ, sorry so late but had to work OT tonight. 8)
The smoking just means your offering has been accepted by the gods of that sort of stuff.
Polar bear inhabiting Red Dawn? YES! I have discovered my husband’s birthday gift. If only the Teddy bear looked a bit more like PAtrick Saayze, it would truly be a matching set.
I knew this would happen, the elebenty-billionth time I watched that
mother-lovin’adorable little bear float down on a washcloth and land in a clean clothes basket.Do you have any idea how much these critters shed?
CJ! So stwange! That’s exactly what I thought watching the bear waller around in the laundry basket: That lady’s gonna have to wash that load again.
I think we may be related.
Well, FM, I do believe we are both from the south, right?
‘Nuff said.
I always thought the bear was kind of cute, but not compellingly so, to the point of needing to own it or anything. I know other people, however, who found the bear unnerving/uncanny.
Lola, the bear is a LIE!
Ahhhh!!! Oh God no!!! Aaaahhhh-
*licks finger*
Oh, cool! Strawberry!
I worked in a camp kitchen one summer. On the last morning for each camp group, they got waffles with strawberries. Dipping a chef’s knife in strawberry juice and pretending to chase a coworker who did spot-on B-movie screams was a popular pastime during the cleanup on those days.
If I provide my own knife, can I have the bear for free?
Sorry, it just won’t work that way. We only get the knife free… bcuz it’s a bear.
Fuzzy Snuggle bear
Displayed in depressed blackness
Stealth ninja or Zomb- ?
Yeah, but what about the knife? “No tears or stains” there?
I can totally vouch that this Snuggle bear is a cut above the rest.
If only Sparky would slash his prices a little.
He’d really be able to savage the competition.
Yeah, but you wouldn’t want him to engage in price gouging.
I think we can trust him, camile; Sparky’s a sharp guy.
The whole transaction hinges on the knife!
Edit; Maybe I should have said it would fold without the knife? Sigh.
My creepy nephew is going to love his Christmas present!
Yeah, this makes me think of the two little piggy banks that were painted up to look all massacred and bloody.
Not that I’m racist or anything, but isn’t the Snuggle bear lighter than that? I mean, if he’s just yellow with age, then that’s fine. But that should bring his price down to $7.33 and a bottle cap.
Snuggle wuggle was a bear.
Snuggle wuggle had great hair.
Auntie Nana used some nair.
Snuggle wuggle killed hisself.
Are you sure it wasn’t from the Nair? I swear, the aroma of that stuff can drop a man from 50 yards.
Never smelt of the stuff meself.
Wifey gets rid of hair the old fashioned way, she rubs her back agin a tree.
I know him, it’s Stabby Bear!
He was on the serial killer episode of the Care Bears.
He was caught by that bear with the thinning red fur, Sunglasses Bear.
Was that episode that had the One-Armed Bear in it?
In the box today we have a dog and monkey show! Congrats, camille and FM!
[chases monkey around the box, barking happily]
Tiny bare dog!
No! Stop, Camille! Ew!!!! I only like you as a friend! Ahhhhh!!!
But I wanted a pony.
The pony is a lie.
Class, for today’s lesson we’re going to discuss ways to effectively scam your online customers. The first thing we need to discuss is writing a good ad. It needs to be just funny enough to make the customer grin, but not so funny that they point it out to friends. We want the gullible people to make a purchase without consulting their less-gullible friends. Another part of writing a good ad is correct spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I can’t stress this enough. I flunked a student from online scamming 201 last year because a caller during the practical exercise asked for a carpet belonging to George, not for a gorgeous carpet. That student had to start at the beginning and retake all of the introductory courses. I completely expelled one student from the Dani Ocean Academy of How To Scam Your Way Through Life because she posted an ad for a lacawates valtrus-suka.
If you can’t spell or write coherently and with proper grammar, try to find well-written ads on the internet for the same or similar products. If you go that route, for crying out loud make sure it describes your product or one close enough to it. Gullible customers might not know the difference between a lion and a tiger, but dammit, everybody knows the difference between a television and a DVD player. Another warning about copying text from the internet. If you take text directly from a site, do not under any condition refer your customer to that site. That not only makes your customer wary of the condition of your product, it sends up alert flags in most people’s minds that you might actually be scamming them. And no, just rearranging the text won’t work.
One final topic before beginning today’s practical exercise – numbers. If we’re not on the level, we don’t want only smart people calling. There’s no reason to spell your phone number or post it in numbers from other languages. We want the ad to be as simple as possible so at least a few simple people call. Make sure you count correctly the number of products you have to sell. One student posted an ad for three children’s strollers. Sure, he had three strollers, but he also had a pregnant wife. He sold all three for only $20 each and then after his wife gave birth he had to buy a brand-new one for over $200. I can’t stress the importance of being good with numbers enough. Last term a student posted an ad for two table lamps. The ad said either one for $15, both for $40. Two customers bought one each, but they were frat brothers. So the fraternity house paid $30 for two lamps that my student wanted to sell for $40. You’re here learning these scamming techniques to make money, not to lose money. If you have two products to sell, set the price for both together a little higher than it should be and the price for each individually a lot higher than it should be; that way, your customer thinks he or she is getting a good deal when they buy both instead of laughing at you when they buy one and a friend buys the other.
For today’s practical exercise, some of you may have heard the expression “selling a refrigerator to an Eskimo.” We’re going to see if you can sell somebody a product they neither want nor need. Convince me in 100 words or less to buy this bee-infested truck.
*signs up for Yancey’s class with counterfeit credit card*
Sorry, Dani Ocean only takes cash or jewels. While people who teach the fine art of scamming for a living aren’t exactly certified by any academic authority, they have earned the knowledge they strive to pass on either by being victims of scams or being nearly caught (those who are caught, after all, aren’t available to conduct courses outside of government facilities with lots of security) running almost-perfect scams.
Take a look at this beauty, folks!
Now, I know this is Alaska and I know that well…it’s cold in Alaska, but c’mon!
Tell me you are happy having to chase Nanook from your backyard stash of cookies – n – cream ice cream every time you stock up!
Nosireebob, what you need is a refrigerator, and I’m the person to sell it to you.
*hauls 1940s era refrigerator down off back of truck*
See this? Well, look at how solidly it is constructed!
*pulls handle, has it break off in hand, places handle in pocket of coat*
Minor cosmetic damage, can be fixed, no worries there.
And, it’s electric! See the cord? Trust me, it works.
*watches as Mr. and Ms. Sparky Innuit inspect fridge*
Yes, it’s a marvel of modern technology. Imagine, being able to keep things cold – year round!
And, today only I will sell you this baby for $375.99 plus taxes of $84.88, freight charges of $1,049.99 – heh..heh…this is Alaska after all, and you get everything by boat.
Whips out catulator, now nearly frozen and very ill-tempered…so that comes to $1,999.99, but what say we round that number?
It’s yours, for $2,000 or if you prefer you can sign up for our easy installment plan and only pay $57/month for the next four years.
Heck, I’ll even throw in this handy catulator – mind you keep away from those claws, he’s a bit testy when cold – and if you buy today, you can have this fabulous truck I brought the fridge in.
So what do you say, folks? Do we have a deal?
Bees? What bees?
You has been chose to inherit a large sum of money from Nigerian Princess Amirajad, who tragical died of throat cancer. Since she had no living relatives, a review of the last acquaitances she had contact with were chose in a lottery drawing. Please send your address, bank account number, mothers maiden name, and telephony number to Princess Amirajad solicitor, Esq. Nabob Hussein Smith at bankofengland@gmail.com. At that time, this refrigerator with your inherited will be shiped to you.
Sincerely,
Mark Hajeeb Lawrence
by dis truk n we makes teh sexay
Damn… sold.
Hey Justin! I got sexaayyy back!
Ninja. Bees.
I’ma gonna make yous an offer you canna refuse…..
not.a.pinto
Truck Full of Bees Not.on.Fire.
All of the cool kids, discerning customers, and smart people are buying bee-infested trucks this year. Bee-infested trucks are the new black. You don’t want all of those people laughing at you at the parties to which you will no longer be invited, do you?
You can’t fool me. I know a stuffed tiger when I see one.
*grabs fake hair from ghostie’s stash and fastens mane around “bear” neck*
There, that better?
That’s a heck of a cross-over.
What, no hat stand thrown in?
Will you take a hunting blind, instead?
How about a
deer hangjungle gym?Tried posting this above, it didn’t go.
In response to CJ:
Yup. You have to burn the birdseed offering. The smoke then wafts to our Web Bosses (BBUT) or Saint Windy, where it enters their cup holder and coalesces into whatever it is they desire most.
The Llamanun and Ostrimu (BBUT) are truly awesome.
Especially at photoshop.
http://literarytravesty.wordpress.com/tag/addicted-reader/
I can’t post with that as my website.
Now I can.
WTF?
Must be a glitch in the system, AR. Maybe you need to register in the Forums using the website and your regular handle, and see what happens.
camille and Funky, Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Wilton, Connecticut!
Not sure about Craigslist policy, or what state the post came from, but it looks to me like the dude’s trying to sell a knife which he can’t legally do for some reason. That’s my immediate assumption, though I can’t think of any state that prohibits selling knives online. Trivially you are also not supposed to give knives away, you’re supposed to sell them if only for a penny. It’s a old superstition.
Yeah, I’ve heard of that superstition. It’s like the one where you aren’t supposed to give a purse or wallet as a gift, but rather use it to package a gift of 25 cents.
And, to my knowledge, in California you cannot sell knives (and other sharp weapons) without a specific state-granted permit to do so; which is why mail order and online knife companies generally cannot sell to California unless they have an office or warehouse within the state. If this craigslist ad was from California, I think you may have solved it.