YSaC, Vol. 1048: No spear or magic helmet required.
2011 August 3
Wanted Hungry person who can butcher a large animal
To Share the meat.
(you should own large freezer)
Since no meat will be shared and this is a private deal you do need to have done this before like have killed your own elk or something like that.
I can cut up my own meat just don’t know how to butcher the animal.
Sparky here is looking for someone to butcher a large animal. Said serial killer animal butcher will get to share the meat. However, no meat will be shared. Let me guess – Elwood P. Dowd has finally had it.
This link was sent in by Jessica, who wishes to make it perfectly clear that she was searching for a freezer, not a crazed serial killer. Still, you may wish to stay away from [location] just to be on the safe side.
“To Share the meat.
(you should own large freezer)
Since no meat will be shared”
Yes, Sparky, that makes perfect sense. (And also sounds vaguely like a haiku.)
It’s a Sparku!
“To Share the meat. (you
should own large freezer) Since no
meat will be shared” What?
Just pronounce shared like “share-ed”.
Sharing fresh meat, no.
Butchering and a deep freeze
For mystery meat
How can you fire your pudding
If you don’t butcher your meat?
MEAT NOT ON FIRE!
You’ve obviously never seen my Dad barbecue.
“I can cut up my own meat just don’t know how to butcher the animal”
Cutting up your own meat actually IS butchering the animal. Or part of it. Sparky must mean he doesn’t know how to/want to KILL the animal, wants someone to do that for him. Maybe this is code, Sparky is wanting to find someone to off his wife or mother-in-law. “To share the meat” = I’ll split the life insurance with ya.
I’m on to you, Mr. Sparks.
EDIT: “Should own large freezer”. Oh yeah. That’s what’s up here. He wants to make sure his accomplice can hide the body.
Awww. He’s a ‘big boy’ and can cut up his own food. That’s so cute! Next step is learning how to dress yourself.
Yeah, but is he potty-trained/housebroken yet?
In this case, I think the next step is learning how to field dress meat.
How about we all hope he learns to field dress himself?
I prefer to get dressed before going out into a field.
I find a festive bow tie really dresses up a dead elk before you hoist it up onto the swing set.
Sparky could use his own intestines as a tie.
And his bowel as a hat!
His pecil for a head?
His pecil already has a-
corner.
So Sparky offers to share the meat when no meat will be shared? Sparky knows how to cut the meat but not how to butcher the animal? Is this a kōan? If I tell Dai Master Sparky the correct answer, will I realize my true Sparky-nature and achieve enlightenment?
Only if you can take the bedazzled hoof from my hand.
Not just a Sparku, a Zen Sparku. Impressive.*
*Or would be, if it wasn’t Sparky.
I think you are looking for the word “Spenku”.
Dunno, if one embraces Void as Substance, it’s probably an inverse of enlightenment.
Dear Sparky,
I am most interested in your offer, but regret you didn’t
bothermanage to name the type of animal to which you refer in your advertisement.You see, I have a very special set of skills and would not wish to reveal my considerable talents for simply butchering a wombat, badger or other unworthy creature.
No, no…I am much too talented an artiste for that sort of thing.
Heh..heh..much too talented.
Shall we meet? Say, tonight 11:00 p.m. in the alley behind Grover’s Grocery on Main St.?
Please come alone. I shall be the dapper gent in top hat and cloak.
I look forward to our meeting.
Sincerely Yours,
H. Hyams
I would think that butchering hungry would be as bad as grocery shopping hungry. I wouldn’t want a hungry person around my freshly butchered animal that I was planning to keep for food.
Oh! This is someone putting out a hit of someone, and he’s looking for a cannibal who can both kill the target and dispose of the body!
AR – you have a twisted mind.
I knew there was a reason I liked you so much. 🙂
Thank you! The twists make it crunchy.
Well, given sparky-spelling, I’m still wondering why Sparky thinks a Hungarian would be a good butcher.
Because his nipples explode with delight and his hovercraft is full of eels. Also, he cannot wait until lunchtime.
I do own my own large freezer and I can cut up meat, but I’m not hungry right now since I just ate. Do I have to wait until I get hungry again in order to accept this mysterious butchering opportunity?
You can keep your meat, but I would like the
toeshooves formy collectionBedazzling.Hungarian butchers are the best, I’ve heard. They can butcher a yak before it knows what hit it. Sparky may need to fly one of them in from the Old Country.
Yakety Yaks yank you over yonder and yell.
Hmm, I’ll have to Czech that out.
Iran into this a few times myself.
All this talk of butchering is making me Hungary.
What a couple of Turkeys.
Siam really impressed with the level of discourse today.
We’re classy today. A real suit and Thai affair.
We’re just trying to Greece the wheels, keep it going ya know.
All this upper-tier discussion is nice, but the lack of emotional involvement makes the tone rather Chile.
Yeah, usually there is one of us who is more of a Qatar.
And not one good way to add Magyar to this meme . . .
És nem egy jó módja annak, hogy adjunk Magyar ehhez mém
“És nem egy jó módja annak, hogy adjunk Magyar ehhez mém”
Translated: You know…ninjas.
I like to think up a response, Denmark the time until I can post it.
It’s good that you wait for the right moment. I’ll make sure I don’t Russia as much in the future.
I’m bored. I think I’ll Rome around the lounge for a while.
I wouldn’t. Someone’s Spain their pet’s neuter.
I have to have killed MY OWN elk? Actually, I’ve never killed anyone’s elk, or even given an elk a dirty look, but on the off change that I were going to kill an elk, I would almost certainly want it to be someone else’s. Killing your own elk is just mean.
(And killing Anne Elk would be a Monty Python sketch.)
And, if there were any justice in the world, require a brontosaurus with a respiratory problem.
Being a successful hunter who has killed, field-gutted, and butchered a javelina (a type of pig that gets to about 50-60 pounds at full size), I think Sparky should be asking for somebody to help gut the elk and drag it from the field. That’s the biggest chore.
Srsly! Took hubby and sons over an hour to drag a relatively small deer across an open field once. This, after I was unable to even budge it.
Dead weight is damned difficult to move.
Field gutting isn’t so bad, just messy.
Depending on how far the drag is… yeah, that’s a bitch.
The drag was a quarter mile, and since it was dark field-gutting was not happenin’. I remember that as being one of the biggest pain-in-the-azz deer we ever harvested.
She was tasty, though.
Maybe the dragging tenderized her.
Once it’s dead, why drag it? Just eat it in situ!
I could certainly see killing a javelina, then gutting it and burying it in a pit on top of a 2-foot-deep bed of coals, then gathering all of my friends and family in the desert in the middle of nowhere about 30 miles from the Mexican border to open the pit and chow down. 50 pounds live gives about 25 pounds of meat, so we could eat the whole thing during a family reunion. That actually sounds like fun. Anything bigger than that either requires inviting more people than I know or leaving behind uneaten meat.
Well, my experience in south Texas is that there is never just one javelina–may see a scout or two, but there’s always a pack nearby. And the packs are as irritable as a hornet’s nest, too.
And, the problem with loosing a pack of javelina on a family reunion is that the worthy members would be all heroic and put themselves between porcine horde and those needing culling . . .
Ok, and I’m still trying to shake off barbacoa de javelina
(javelina is pronounced “have ah LEE nah”–not as a feminized version of a throwing spear)
Funky Monkey? Where are you? This is for you
“Share the Meat” heh heh
I considered it, but then thought since the word meat appears in the ad many times that it would be, I don’t know, too easy? Superfluous? I don’t know how to say it. You know, like a gooberhead that goes to a nude beach and giggles at all the naked boobies. Or someone that lives on a houseboat and sleeps on a waterbed. Or the d-bag that takes a mile when you give them an inch.
Or maybe I think too much. Ah, the Hell with it.
Heh, “meat”. Heh heh.
Ahhhh, that felt good. 🙂
We will not snark your ad. Mostly on acount of all the snarking we will be doing at your ad.
I will not be commenting on your comment because I’m too busy commenting on your comment.
My head hurts now.
I will not give Adores because I am too busy adoring all the comments.
I will not reply to this because, y’know… ninjas.
If it’s a cow that’s being butchered, this cat would love to help: I Like Beef
(This is a great website to poke around on, but be warned that a lot of it is not safe for work environments.)
Hi Sparky; pleased to meat you.
Won’t you guess my name?
What’s puzzling me is the nature of his game.
(I think it’s Tic-Tac-Toe.)
That might be too advanced. Let’s just start with drawing some circles.
That’s the one with three lines, right?
Yes, Global Thermonuclear War, game begins . . .
A strange game. The only winning move is to make fun of Sparky.
Paging Sparky… Sparky, Sarah Palin on Line One.
So the key to butchering is hunger? Makes for more blood?
Less to clean up when you’re done.
Sparky’s looking for a vampire with their own freezer.
Watch out for the shiny ones, Sparky! That body glitter gets everywhere.
Hey Sparky, I can cut the cheese if that will help……..
Ok, this entire ad has been creeping me out for reading more like some twisted “Professional Services” ad in code.
Field dressing, butchery, twisted vampire cannibalism has been a pleasant mental distraction from the squick.
Yet another good reason to
waste timespend the day at the Snark Lounge.Oh, and “Vampire Cannibalism” for band name of the day!
If a vampire is bitten by another vampire, what does he become?
Is squick the opposite of snark?
Will Sparky ever find the help he is looking for? If so, will his insurance cover it?
Tune in tomorrow, when we hear Sparky say, “I clearly stated I wasn’t going to share the meat!! What’s that gun for? Ow!”
Followed by the posting of another ad;
Wanted Clean person who can treat small caliber gunshot wounds
——————————————————————————–
To Treat the wound.
(you should own medical equipment)
Since no wounds will be treated and this is a private deal you do need to have done this before like have treated your own gunshot wounds or something like that.
I can treat my own gunshot wounds just don’t know how to treat gunshot wounds.
Elk… “Hey Sparky! Watch me pull a rabbit outta ma hat!”
A Hypothesis (etc.)
Someone from the Vice Squad will pipe in and tell us this is a request for “negotiable affection” by persons from Eastern Europe,
and not be Apatosaurian at all [coffcoff]
If it’s a “Professional Services” ad, then Sparky is looking for someone with a big “freezer” who can “butcher his meat” for him because he’s tired of doing it himself.
Sadly, that kinda made sense.
Also – Eww.
Heeeeyy, in the baux with Sis! Has anyone seen her?
(Why does autocorrect change heeeyy to beery? And why is it so quiet in here?)
New dress, LL?
It was on sale and I just couldn’t resist.
Hi! Sorry I’m late to the box party. I was butchering large animals out of pure hunger.
Actually, due to a trip to all you can eat sushi, I had to sleep this morning so I would be awake enough to enjoy the om-noms. So I missed the snark today.
Everyone Present? Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One punch each.
Sister Lime Lolly Lyle, Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Butcher’s Boy!