YSaC, Vol. 1034: Mavis wept …
2011 July 14
EXcelent seckatary sckills
Hi,
I hav]e excelent seckatartial skils for a small to meduim compamy. I can type] up two 80 words per minit.
please give me a chanc, u wont’ bee dissappointedd. $8/hr, availabl:e anytyem..
Mary
This has to be a joke. I’m just going to tell myself that over and over again. That’s the only way I can live with this existing in the world.
So let’s see here: there’s 36 words total in the ad. If she can type 80 words per minute, it should only have taken her 27 seconds to type this ad. At the rate of $8 per hour, that means she’s entitled to $.06.
But wait … of the 36 words, 19 of them are incorrect. That’s a 52.7% … which means that she should get $.031 for her efforts.
Nah, it’s not even worth that.
Thanks, Cecilia!
He’s actually called ‘Marty’, and he’s badly let down by his sharthond skilz…
but he has excellent seckatartial skils which I think means he makes a great tart
Well if they were suckatartial skills, s/he’d be a shoo-in for yesterday’s post’s position.
Thi means I’m elibable for a tpying job! taco too
(I’m leaving that how it is. That’s how bad I type before I correct myself)
All those kittens running across keyboards are actually preparing for careers in case the “sit on couch, be petted, and get treats” market melts down.
My cat will be thrilled to hear this. She is a master of running across keyboards and actually fatally crashed one of my laptops.
My old Lucy cat likes to chew on the edge of my laptop screen. It has teeth marks all over it.
My big fluffy cat Fearless likes to lick my laptop – the keys, the screen, the back, pretty much all of it. She hasn’t started biting it yet though.
http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=3947
Sinfest is one of my 2 read-every-day webcomics. 😀
at least she got her name right (I hope).
Except her name is Elizabeth Marilyn Susanna Roseanna Danielle Huffing-Smith.
Related OT: Somebody in this United States, actually named their child ‘Sweetheart’. I swear…I saw the account. It makes me wonder what nickname they had.
“This is my daughter*, Sweetheart, but everyone calls her Steve.”
*I really hope Sweetheart is a girl, it would be considered cruel and unusual punishment to call a boy that.
Of course it’s a girl! Her brother’s name is Sue.
The nastiest dog I ever knew was “Tinkerbell.” It was a male Pomeranian.
Lyle probably remembers Tinkerbell; as nasty as the dog was… you really just couldn’t bring yourself to be anything but understanding of his rage… especially after having met the owner.
But it’s pronounced “Throat-Warbler Mangrove.”
In my early teens I babby-sat for a couple that named their daughter “Sunshine”.
Very impressive “Uriah Heep” album collection.
One of my regular customers at work is named Princess.
I knew this was gunna turn into a weird name thread. Here’s mine. I’ve actually met these people so it’s legit. Nancy Anne Cianci (pronounced see-ANN-see) The other is Wayne Douop (pronounced Dwop). Say their full names out loud and you’ll get it.
:snerk:
In high school there was a girl named Abcde. It was pronounced Ab-see-dee. *sigh*
I know both a “Howard Ward” and and “Edward Ward.” Not related.
Knew a Ron Braun AND a Dusty Rhodes. *grimace*
Mama went to school with an Eileen Dover, and my Family Law prof used to tell us, as ‘light relief’ when we had horrid case law to go over, awful names of kids from Court files – twins named Benson and Hedges, and Fish and Chips really stood out. And then there was the couple who wanted to call their spawn “4 real” (yes, alphanumeric). Their reason? “Aw, ‘cos when we saw it on the ultrasound, we were like, oh chur, it’s 4 real!”
Also at school, our nurse was Mrs Dagger and the head of psychology was Dr Basher.
There are a pair of siblings out where I used to live named Blue Denim (or Denim Blue, I forget which) and Blazin Trail. Goodness only knows how the names are actually spelled.
I went to school with a guy named Brady Bunch. No joke.
I doubt she got her name right. I think it’s merely a confirmation of what she’s been smoking.
:reads ad:
: curls into fetal position, sobbing:
Oh I hope this person writes fan fiction!
*Crosses fingers*
The use of a bracket as a letter makes me think this might be the author of the fic I’ve been riffing. She’s done that several times. But this wasn’t written in ALL CAPS with no punctuation so it probably isn’t her.
The cows, fired from their job making commercials and painting billboards for Chik-Fil-A, decided to post an ad on Craigslist.
Cows to the Rescue! Obviously Mary mentioned out loud she needed a job so the cows came to the rescue and wrote a Craigslist ad.
Cows with guns.
Bad cow pun.
Cow dung flung.
Cow well-hung.
Cow Tse Tongue
Cow got stung
Pig gave tongue
They got on their knees
To Mao Tse Tung
The Seven Samoorai.
TPYE ALL TEH THIGS!
No thigs for me, I prefer white meat.
Oh, wait. I’m a vegetarian. Nevermind.
I would like to point out that this ad throws us all the way back to the origins of the rooster on a typewriter. This is clearly that rooster.
The rooster has upgraded to a word processor, constantly hitting the carriage return lever was wearing out his wings.
Sparkette needs to refill the Spellcheck Juice container on her Pentium.
I thought you had to feed it with these big shiny cookies with the holes in the middle.
“I hav]e excelent seckatartial skils for a small to meduim compamy”
That explains it. Her skills are excellent considering the company is small and doesn’t expect much. Just like I have a beautiful face in the world of monkeys and chimps. Put me next to Kim Kardashian, not so much.
people notice Kim Kardashian’s face? I thought they were more focused elsewhere
Even archy the cockroach did better than this
Okay, I’m convinced, no one is that bad of a speller, if they are competent enough to turn on a damned computer and log on to the intertubes, they can spell better than this.
This is Taco f’ing with Craigslist. I’m positive.
I would never!
Well… ok yes I would.
Another proud graduate of the TacoMagic School of Mug Typing perhaps?
cflksadsdserds dsytsart aguinb oin sauhguidsyt21
(Classes start again in August!)
“aguinb” is spelled incorrectly then.
Sometimes the mug doesn’t always depress a letter when I go for it; it’ll get half depressed and I’ll have moved on before I realize that the mug didn’t go down all the way to register a keystroke. It’s mostly balancing making good presses with the mug and not wanting to damage the keyboard by being too vigorous with the mug.
It’s part of the lesson plan:
Lesson 49: If you miss a letter with the mug and hit the shift key or caps lock instead, keep going! Partial depresses of the keys that don’t register are still counted as proper form. NEVER LOOK BACK!
You know, there are medications out there for mug depression….
I put coffee in my mugs. Perks them right up.
I put coffee in my jugs. Perks them right up.
Also: With as suggestive as that post was, I’m surprised you went with “Mug Depression” rather than “Mug going down on the keyboard and being too vigorous.”
Hey look, the corner!
Oh, I avoided the innuendo in honor of Bastille day.
Considering that the Marquis de Sade was supposed to have been in the Bastille, I think it and its day have plenty of innuendo AND explicitness to go around, thank you very much.
Marquis de Sade? Is he a performer in Cirque du Soleil?
Wanna bet?
The world is doomed. Doomed I tell ya.
hmmmm…this was supposed to be a reply to FM’s remark about no one is that bad a speller.
Hmm, Sparkie-Marie . . .
hav]e excelent seckatartial
reads like some sort of over-voweled Molravian somehow.
a small to meduim compamy.
Differently-sized seer corporations?
I can type] up two 80 words per minit.
Well, we can see which two words.
And, minutes are ever so small.
(Do have to wonder if two-eighty is some subset of four-twenty, though.)
please give me a chanc
Sorry, I’m out; I’ve extra rabid sloth, though.
u wont’ bee dissappointedd.
Not so nearly as you will probably be, what with the Man puttin’ ya’ down, dissen y’r mad skilz an’ all.
I’m certain the apiary universe will survive somehow.
$8/hr, availabl:e anytyem..
Ah, see, all is now clear–Marie-Sparkie will pay us to be an escort, and the lack of the “Professional Services” section has stymied her.
While Mary doesn’t seem to have the seckatartial skills we are looking for, I think there is a babby sitting job for a nice young east coast couple we can send her to.
Funny, when I saw this all I read was:
PAY ME MONEY TO SCREW UP YOUR OFFICE
Yes, I hope this lady is very very very attractive. Or is very good at something besides clerical work.
Babysitting, maybe?
Peep!!
Brilliant!
p.s.:
Fleas.
Saddam had ’em.
You YSaC’ers think you’re soooo damned smart, but us sparkies can be smart to if we try reel reel hard.
I even recomposed a little ditty about ya.
I hope this earworm crawls around in you’re head chawing on you’re brain fer days.
We may not be the shinyest turds in the barn, but we got feelins’ 2.
Sinsearly,
Sparky “Not.a.SpaceBug” McSlow
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYa1eI1hpDE
You, with your words like knives, vocabulary that you use against me.
You are pissing on my ad again ’bout my grammar and my commas.
You, with your intellectual comments, calling me Sparky when I’ve posted.
You, pickin’ on apostrophes.
Well, you can put me down with just one twisted word.
‘Cause I don’t know what you all know.
Someday I’ll be getting my Gee E Dee’ee.
And all y’all always gonna be so keen.
Someday I’ll be smart enough so you can’t snark me.
And all y’all still gonna be so keen.
How’d ya get to be so keen?
You, with your logical mind and your lexicon and your bright observations.
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I graduated sixth grade.
I’ll just bedazzle shit, try to post a pic ’cause I really need OBO’s.
I just wanna post an ad again.
I’ll bet you worked real hard, somebody taught you good.
But my sucking ads won’t stop ’cause I by no means learn new things.
And I don’t know what you all know.
Someday I’ll be getting my Gee E Dee’ee.
And all y’all always gonna be so keen.
Someday I’ll be smart enough so you can’t snark me.
And all y’all still gonna be so keen.
How’d ya get to be so keen?
And I can see you pass the flask all around, talking over a cool new meme.
Criticize my punctuation and you all have sliced coffee.
Brain bleached and raving about my poor comprehension.
Smug and raving on about how I can’t speel.
But all y’all are keen.
All y’all are keen.
And so witty.
And cerebral.
With some awesomesauce.
And keen,
and apt,
With bees,
and bees.
But Someday I’ll be getting my Gee E Dee’ee.
And all y’all always gonna be so keen, yeah.
Someday I’ll be smart enough so you can’t snark me.
And all y’all still gonna be so keen.
Why you gotta be so keen?
Someday I’ll be getting my Gee E Dee’ee.
(How’d ya get to be so keen?)
And all y’all always gonna be so keen.
(Watch this, canya hold my beer?)
Someday I’ll be smart enough so you can’t snark me.
(How’d ya get to be so keen?)
And all y’all still gonna be so keen.
How I yearn to be so keen.
My initial thought upon discovering this was that it C*nd*rM*n (won’t say name, just in case it summons) but upon reading it, I’m inclined to believe otherwise. Self-deprication is not one of his attributes.
Also, might this need [matt][/matt] tags? Discuss.
Oh, you have to say C*nd*rM*n THREE times to summon him.
At least it was written in English and not text-speak. Bravo.
+1 Adores for lyrics
-1 Adores for Taylor Swift
So, is CraigsLister = Spacebug? Taco?
[literal]?
Nice post. Want more CLer! 😉
Gotta be Spacebug, because it wasn’t me.
Taco, Taco….sigh….it couldn’t have been SpaceBug…didn’t you see, it clearly said “Not.A.SpaceBug”.
Perhaps, it was He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named…you know, that Voldy-guy, from that movie and those books about that thing….yeah, him.
If I lived in the Potterverse, after anyone mentioned He Who Must Not Be Named, I would look at them and ask, “Who, Craig?”
Kelli, my version of that is “Jeff.” It used to be “Eric.”
“with bees,
and bees”
Me rikey.
Mery;
Aye knead a gud secatrary, but $8 en hour is 2 mulch. Kin I pae u $5 a helf hower insted? Other benefets inclued all teh vintage cereal end dumpster chessy pufs u ken ete.
This is not so much incorrect (per the original Sparky) as Chaucerian-leaning [says the English major].
Mery;
Doughn’t listn two killy, yo kan wurk for[ me! I can t’ pae u, butt u ]can put you’re werk in you potforlio an i want car!
Toca
O.M.G. Lolspeak invades YSaC.
Make it stop!
Wat3vr du )u meen, SeeJay?
:gets out Super Soaker:
I’m not afraid to use the Handheld Feline Correction Device if this continues.
*fires up unlicensed nuclear device in backpack*
Don’t cross the streams!
[OT]
I discovered Sleep Talkin’ Man yesterday and have been laughing my “bollox” off. If you haven’t been there it’s worth a visit.
Disclaimer: Sleep talkin’ man is extremely foul mouthed; so if you take offense at such things, it’s best avoided.
Not offended, just don’t find foul-mouthedness funny. It’s like ‘Regretsy’…April is one foul-mouthed chick and her minions are really, really, really angry – apologies to anyone here in love with the site. I read it a couple of times and got bored.
‘Course my Daddy once told me “Girl, you wouldn’t say shit if your mouth was full of it.” To which I replied, “Of course not, Daddy, I’d be too busy puking.”
In general I do find the off-the-wall quotes on the site better than the ones where he’s abusing whatever dream person his subconscious has created to focus such abuse upon.
Ones like oh… Farm Roller Disco Announcer.
Pretty funny… I’ve wasted half the day and only got to April 2011.
What’s the big deal? Anyone with fingers can type 80 words per minute, as long as you’re not particular about mixing languages. Gmrelkf opikfgm hg lkdsm ertyui!
*knocks on side of box* Hey, IF! Did you get that swing set installed yet?
Punchity Punch Punch IF!
G’Night, Beacon Hill!