YSaC, Vol. 1018: They shoot end tables, don’t they?
2011 June 22
shoot an offer end tables
shoot and offer , two different endtables.
This person is very imperious, don’t you think? They demand that you make an offering! But not just any offering. Don’t think you can simply present a pair of undamaged end tables and please the Lord High Sparkzalcoatl. Certainly not! That would be like trying to appease the gods with flashlight batteries! You must first properly anoint your end tables. By shooting them. Then and ONLY then is it a worthy offering to appease Sparkeneshwari.
Thanks for the submission, Wendy!
summons!
The great racetable, Coffeendo, had to be shot after Uncle Milty sat on her and broke her leg.
Quite the family tragedy, that was. Uncle Milty was picking splinters out of his arse for nearly a month.
There is a church near where I live called The Church of the End Times. This person could be from The Church of the End Tables.
Also, for reference purposes, here is the Church of the End Times’ You Tube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/ChurchOfTheEndTimes
Oh good grief. You must live in the south, too. I’m so tired of driving around seeing signs on the side of the road that scream “REPENT OR PERISH!!!”
Ooh, I’ve seen those signs. If those are my only two choices, I think I’m going to need a perishing rug.
No, actually, I’m in Massachusetts but I guess it is the southern central part of Massachusetts…
Driving through Providence, RI, I would always see this billboard that says, “When you die, you WILL meet God, ” as if to imply, “And he’ll kick your ass.”
When de Bacontini die, he tink he join de great Coctail hour in de sky. Dere will always be free flowing Bacontini, and De ladies are always in need of de Bacontini.
Better he not end up in de bargain basement. Cheap vodka, fatty bacon, and de old man complaining dat dere is not enough lard on de rim. No ladies anywhere.
Bacontini shudder to tink… even though he here for you now. Especially if you are de lady.
I’m not even going to bother sharing the mental image that I got with that; I will just go directly to the boiling brain-bleach jacuzzi.
De Bacontini not know what is so bad about dat. It always better to have a well greased rim when enjoying de Bacontini. Putting plenty of de bacon grease or de rendered lard on de rim help Bacontini slide down nice and smooth! And den, you get a little extra flavor when you lick de rim clean at de end.
What? Why everyone running away from Bacontini?
I am a Christian, and I have strong beliefs, but there have been times when I just wanted to whip my head around to someone else and go, “Say whaaaaaaat?”
Church people making jokes about church stuff is actually some of the funniest part. When we had one of those billboards near my house, I told my mom that it made me think of Yoda in Empire Strikes Back.
Luke: “I’m not afraid.”
Yoda: “You will be….you will be.”
Now we read overly pious/judgemental billboards in Yoda-speak. “Meet Jesus you will. Prepared you are not!”
I was driving through the city the other day and I saw two billboard stacked on each other. The top one was advertising a ballet company who are doing a program called 7 Deadly Sins. The bottom one was advertising a program on the Pope. It was awesome.
Was the Pope on the bottom with the catcher’s mitt?
Blasphemy!!! Hell yawns before you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hell should get to bed earlier.
I went to bed late last night, so I know how hell feels.
Hell feels with sexy magic fingers….
Ewww…
Heh heh. “Pooper”.
Pent, pent, pent, pent, pent, PERISH!
There is a sign on southbound I-65 in Indiana that says HELL IS REAL. I have wanted for years to name one of my show dogs (KennelName) Repent or Perish. Co-owners won’t let me.
Shoot first, make an offer later.
Don’t shoot ’til you see the varnish on their sides!
Lacquer? I barely know her!
“Shoot first, make an offer later” sounds like a particularly dangerous open-air drug market (not that any are exactly safe).
Sounds more like a “test drive” and the mustang ranch…
*Oooo, look a clean corner the snark lounge rooomba must have been left on again*
Finally! Something I’ve always wanted to do.
:rolls out the cannon:
Death or annihilation?
But, first, Skochee!
I shot the sofa, but I didn’t shoot the end table.
Oh, is THAT what happened to auntie?
The accordion is just a distraction.
All you people who want an end table of teak
But your luck just hasn’t had a good run
Just drop on by my abode and come take a peek
Oh, and make sure not to forget your gun
We’ll bring those prices down, down, down, down
And I’m not foolin’ ’round
You’re gonna put in a bullet, pull the trigger
Shoot to deal, price is a steal
So many tables, and so many deals
Shoot to deal, price is a steal
Get your gun at the ready and fire at will
Yeah!
I’m like Pat Sajak, give the wheel a spin
Won’t land on bankrupt, you’ll steal the show
‘Cos I’m a nutcase, I shoot everything
That’s all you Craigslisters need to know
We’ll bring those prices down, yeah, down, down down
And I’m not foolin’ ’round
You’re gonna put in a bullet, pull the trigger
Shoot to deal, price is a steal
So many tables, and so many deals
Shoot to deal, price is a steal
Get your gun at the ready and fire at will
Go on, shoot to deal, ‘cos I bargain with zeal
No, the price ain’t low enough, keep shootin’ at it now
Shoot to deal, price is a steal
Yeah, pull the trigger
Pull it! Pull it! Pull the trigger!
Hallo!
My name is Inigo Montoya…
I’ll shoot your coffee table, and prepare to buy!
You finally found the six-sided rectangular table that shot your father!
I have been stuck on revenge so long, I’m not sure what I’m going to do now. Although someone did post an ad on Craigslist for a dread pirate. I’m thinking about answering that.
You’d make an excellent Dread Pirate Roberts, you just need to provide your own mask.
Job Opening: Dread Pirate Robberts $100/hr plus pillage
Must have previous experience with pirating, fighting, swash buckling, captaining, and word fencing. Applicants must have their own black costume with mask to be elligable. Crew provided at start date. Elligible applicants will not take prisoners; valet excluded.
Non-compensation position, but the pillaging will look good in your portfolio.
Ooh, I can do that!
:steals dictionaries:
Hey, anyone wanna buy a book?
Taco Dingly-Dangly Magic —
I think you must be looking for a mom or a teacher. It sounds like a job description for both.
How many ways can “Eligible” be spelled? Let’s sit back and watch.
I’ve got more variations I haven’t even tried yet!
I can only imagine what playing Boggle with Taco must be like.
Inconceivable!
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
And right there sums up both Craigslist and Sparky.
Anybody want a peanut?
Bwahahaha!
The second image I had, right after the “invisible swordsman” scene in The Three Amigos.
In gratuitous “example” .
*giggles* I love that movie.
El Capitan approached the cell slowly and looked in at the two of them sitting at opposite ends of the cell. The space between them was just large enough for the couch that was currently undergoing “interrogation” down the corridor. They could just hear the faint squeals of springs being stretched beyond their capacity – a sound El Capitan loved.
“Heh, you – yes, you- the French Providential. You will be next.” El Capitan giggled evilly. “We will take you into the ‘workshop’ and when we are through you will have filled your drawers. You will tell us what you have done with the funky monkey’s battery supply.”
El Capitan turned his eyes to the other, plain table. “And you, simple fool – we know you are one of those Reds. You will never be free, no matter what you have advertised.”
“Let me tell you what awaits you in the ‘workshop’. There are tall glasses filled with ice and water, with condensation running down their sides and pooling at the base, waiting to penetrate your finish. There are coarse ceramic ashtrays with scratchy feet to slide over your surfaces, and toddlers with blocks and toys to pound you with.” El Capitan paused to observe the effect of his words on the two end tables. They cowered in their corners, visibly wobbly. “After we are through with you in the ‘work shop”, you will be taken out and shot. Then you will be burned so there is no trace of you.”
El Capitan paused for a moment. “I will make you an offer, however. If you tell me what I want to know, I will spare you the terrors of the ‘work shop’ and just have you shot, quickly and painlessly, But you must tell me now! Who is this ‘IKEA’ who has sent you?”
The two table, now sobbing, still refused to answer. El Capitan called out,”Guards! Light the cigarettes and balance them on the edge of the ash trays and then come get this one first. We will see if he will talk. Put the French one up in my room, I will see if her knobs respond to my persuasion, or if it will be necessary for me to force her drawers.” El Capitan strutted away to get his knob polish…
To think such a demented mind hides behind that gentle, grandfatherly nature.
And that he gets paid to teach children!
To think such a jingly mind hides behind the glittery, spandex thong.
I DON’T want to think about that Grampdaddy.
To think such a jingly spandex thong hides behind the glittery mind.
Guys are ALWAYS looking for the knob polish, aren’t they?
We can make do without if need be, but we tend to get cranky when our knobs get dull and tarnished.
That doesn’t really happen, you guys just made that up so we’ll polish them for you!
I do dishes and laundry, but I refuse to do windows or polish my knob.
I’ll go join the crowd over in the corner…
Okay, Sweater and Burgundy, what’s with the ” ” names? Did I miss an assignment, again?
It’s nickname day! Everyone gerts a nickname. Even you, C “Forrest Whittaker Ate My Chowder” J.
Keep reading, it’ll make sense towards the bottom of the comments.
Dis is how de Bacontini understand it. De Taco person often puts his random nicked names between de two portions of his intertubes handle. Den, it become so popular dat de denizens (even de ladies) of de YSaC start to do it as de meme of de day.
Bacontini not sure he get it, but as always Bacontini is happy to be here for everyone, especially de ladies wit de nicked names.
OMG Bacon, I am SO TURNED ON BY YOU RIGHT NOW!!
In my head you look like the stay thirsty my friends Dos Equis guy.
You’re actually not the first to suggest the similarity.
*cough*Astro “Big Instrument” gnash *cough*
…
Who’s this Chris Hansen guy on my caller ID?
Is that the same as “the most interesting man in the world” guy? Because, yeah, I see the resemblance :-p
Well, frankly, yes; ever tried speeling knob
pomber,pumper, punjabi,pommeranian?(an’ e’erybody says “gesundheit!” after you say “knob silesisan”)
El Capitan turned back to the cell, looked at his two prisoners, scowled and said, “This is the end, tables.”
Sorry, I only eat shoots and leaves.
The bullet sank deep into the end table. She was kindling, for sure. And as the light faded from her varnish, she remembered all the sins she would have to answer for. Squandering her fortune on Endust and Pledge. Rolling over when the children climbed on her. And worst of all, making a glass of water fall on the cat in retaliation for using her legs as scratching posts.
She felt as if she were traveling through a tunnel, toward a light at the end. Quickly, she got to the end, and perceived a human shape in a carpentry shop. “Steady, girl,” said the man. “You’ve arrived at Ethan Allen’s Furniture Restoration. You’ll be all right.”
I love a story with a happy ending (sniffles).
For some bizarre reason, that story reminded me of the movie, The Red Violin.
I think my synapses are off this morning.
Uhm, perhaps I have far, far too much experience in furniture restoration for my own good, but that scanned like the beginning of a Night Gallery.
Y’know, where the twist seems pleasant and nice until the reality sets in.
See, in furniture restoration, your skin is covered in corrosive chemicals until your pigmentation is changed. Then, abrasives are used to cut through the external dermis until only the living dermis is exposed.
Any deeply damaged areas are excised with power tools, then replaced with grafts from what ever handy source is nearby (or, in the case of “dutchmen” deliberately from contrasting material and set contrary to the natural grain).
Most of the parts and limbs are disassembled as well; glue joints broken where they do not simply unbolt. So, at that point, more surgery can occur to replace or change joints and fastenings. Further, many of the decorative parts are removed and discarded; some are replaces with different ones with different <traits> altogether.
Once reassembled, you are then abraded smooth again. Then you are submerged in various chemicals and re-abraded, until you emerge in whatever new coloration and protective finish was chosen for you.
Honestly, it’s Norm Abrams meets Mary Shelley . . .
(Not sure whether that phase of being given to “tweens” and being coated in pink paint and stickers and tattooed with crayons and the like is a worse event, or a precursor event . . . there’s probably a sutra on not coveting certain brasses or knobs preventing that incarnation . . . )
I feel compelled and ashamed at the same time to point out that Sexy Fingers is in the box.
Where else would you expect to find them??
GAH! *runs for the nearest Brain Bleach Emporium* That’s my brother!
You’ll never be able to look at him again without hearing the jingly bells.
Sister Lyle, Grampdaddy’s daughter MandaB used to come around … imagine how she felt at the idea of him pedaling his ass all over town in a red nightie.
There, there. *passes flask*
Stretchy spandex, sequined spandex
Covered in sour cream
They all run
When I put on
TacoThong
People screaming
Children crying
Running away at top speed
And with every bum wiggle you’ll hear
Jingly Bells, Jingly Bells!
Sewn onto the pleather lettuce.
Jingly Bells, scary meme.
I’ll be in the TacoThong!
“pedaling his ass all over town in a red nightie”
No! Now in my head Grampdaddy is riding a bike wearing a red strappy slip and black high heels and every time he pumps the pedals you can see that he’s not wearing any underwears.
Gramma!
*lifts slip*
Grampa!
*lowers slip*
Gramma!
*lifts slip*
Grampa!
*lowers slip*
Gramma!
*rubs himself*
*lifts slip*
GRAAAAAAND papa.
(This sounds much better if you say it like Steven “Johnny” Stucker.)
Also: Gram(p)daddy. Make of that what you will. (A hat, a brooch, a pterodactyl…)
MF – you DO have a reserved spot in the corner for the foreseeable future.
Brain-bleach cocktails for everyone – gratis!
What’s the password to open the Brain Bleach Vault? Is it still “password”?
I’m afraid some joker thought it would be funny to change it. The new password is “Lyle Wagner’s cummerbund.” I don’t know how to change it back.
I know how to change it, but I don’t have a gallon of tartar sauce and three cases of Altoids to spare right now.
I have a packet of hot sauce and a few loose Tic-Tacs in my pocket.
No thanks, I don’t need to send an email right now.
Nick! Heath! Jared! There’s a fire in the barn!
Yay!
Been a while since I’ve gotten some box action. I hope I still remember how it all works…
I’ll be in the corner.
As long as you don’t pull out the box cutters, it should all be okay.
Heh. “Pull out”. Heh.
Okay, maybe NOW I deserve to be in the corner.
I just assume I’m going to end up there sooner or later.
Uh, Windy? Corner. 8)
Yes, I have my own corner in the Command Center ™ where I keep my knob polish and custome torque wrench.
In my mind, “custome torque wrench” = “costume wench” = “wench costume” = “Drum Major” = of course it all makes sense. Where’s the brain bleach?
Did the end table buck up and shout “You should have shot both of the IKEA brothers” and blow you away?
Taco: Since you are my hero and I want to be you when I grow up I’ve started nesting a nickname within my user name just like you.
EDIT: This was supposed to be a reply to Taco’s “I shot the sofa” comment. Hum.
I’m sensing a new Meme of the Day here!
I start more meme’s before 9am than most people do…
PUDDING NOT ON FIRE!
It must be your super-power. Coffee slice? *holds out fork*
I start memes when no one is around to hear them, and then no one knows what I’m talking about when I use them.
I still think “that’s where she put it” could catch on.
Wheee! It’s nickname day!
If a Meme falls in the woods, does it make it to the internet?
I’m not sure I approve of this nickname trend.
Heh heh. “Hooty-hoo”. Heh.
Who let you out of the corner, FM?
Don’t you mean Whooooo?
I do NOT remember being put in the corner. What the fur.
Don’t worry, the corner is where all the cool kids hang. You’ll love it here.
Oh well, what the heck – I’m in. I’ll tie it to the gravatar later.
Can I play, too?
Instant earworm.
Inna-na-na
Doo-doooooo-doodoodoo.
Inna-na-na
Doo-doo-doo-doo.
I keep hearing The Name Game;
Inn “ananananananana” ana!
Inn “ananananananana” ana, Inn “ananananananana” ana bo Binn “ananananananana” ana Bonana fanna fo Finn “ananananananana” ana
Fee fy mo Minn “ananananananana” ana, Inn “ananananananana” ana!
BAMF!
And just because, I’m going to continue that trend.
I see no reason why not.
(Thanks to Meredith for my addendum.)
Anytime, Lol’s! I preferred to go with something subtle and distinguished. Always classy, this one.
I thought that said “Sweaty Hams” for a second.
Mashed potatoes.
@Lola. I thought you were Lo “pass the flask” la
Don’t you mean Mud “Mashed Potatoes” Slicker?
MF is the one running around with the lumpy drawers. 🙂
I suppose that’s expected when a dog puts on pants.
Not to mention that Snap-on-Smile….
🙂
Can we not use the phrases “lumpy drawers” and “strap-on” in the same conversation?
@ Jingly: Just go directly to the corner. Don’t pass go. Do not collect your $200.
That’s “Snap-On”, Mr. Dirty Mind Jingly.
Ooooh. Do they actually make ones that snap-on these days?
It’s done with magnets. One of the miracles of modern science.
I will have you know that nothing of mine snaps on. I use only high tension S2 deep-thread steel connectors, because I don’t want anything coming off when I’m in the middle of something.
Mud “i see dead people” sy, the flask is glitter-encrusted. Also, I thought we were going for stuff that was slightly less than obvious.
Flask?
Oh..so what you’re saying is that your accoutrements are attached with grommets. Good to know.
@ Glitter flakes: I’m new to this. Of course there’s no need to be obvious when it comes to Sparky.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH … runs to crawl back under the bed …..
Awesome. The “lumpy trousers” nickname cause a coffee spew that almost shot over my cubicle and hit Bob on the other side.
…
..
…….
.
Okay, I can’t stand it, I gotta ask: Is the lump on the front or the back of your trousers?
Both. Back on account o’ the tail, and front on account o’ keeping a spare pair of socks handy in case I step in an unexpectedly deep rain puddle.
That’s Bob”I Believe You Have My Stapler” Smith to you! He deserves a nickname, too!
“Lumpy-Trousers” – just be sure the lumps are not in the back.
*EDIT: The brilliant monkey beat me to it. Well done, little primate.
That’s frightening, that our minds go the same direction. Do you also have dreams that you and Spongebob go to Disneyworld together and ride the Matterhorn while eating ice cream? Wearing nothing but Mickey Mouse ears?
I’ve had that one, but it was Splash Mountain.
Mine was on The Dread Pirate Roberts of the Caribbean ride. I was wearing nothing but a pirate patch and arguing with a parrot with a wooden leg.
Not the Matterhorn – it was Space Mountain. There’s just something special about the anticipation and build-up until you – Oh, Ooh, Ooohh – blast off. First thing SpongeBob said was, “Is that a monkey in your pocket or have you got a banana?”
“Call me French Prevential again, Mother F*^%er!”
I have no snark, I just wanted to play nick-name meme day. 😀
Ah, Sparkzalcoat deity of misdirected gunfire,
how sadly crumbled your terra cotta visage is, eroded by un-aimed and unremembered rounds . . .
Gaze upon your Mightiness in awe–from one’s bullet-resistant vehicle . . .
My name is O-Z-Z-Y Osbourne, Prince of Darkness:
Look on my works, ye war pigs, and rock on!”
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that Black Sabbath, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
Time after time.
..nothin…just assigning meself an apropos nick..
Will the sun shine any less on me just because it shines on you?
When the moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius …
But you can steal my sunshine.
There’s a song for that……….
And an app.
They have an ointment for that now.
I tried the ointment. I had to walk with my upper half at a 45° angle for two days.
Uh, no Mindy – you put the lime in the coconut. IN THE COCONUT….
But the Tabasco was okay, right?
Settle down, folks. Mom could be checking in at any minute, and we don’t want the site cluttered with more than the usual litter.
For a brief moment, I read that as “the usual butter” and my mind reflexively recoiled at the notion of any further thoughts in that direction. Which is weird, right? For me, I mean.
I’m trying to put butter and your mom together for a joke, but I don’t know who to aim it at.
Ok, no instance of “butter mom” leads anywhere but the corner for me . . . (and into what appears for be Schrödinger’s Cat’s box, which is filled with roca . . . )
Was there a doorway in there anywhere? Or was it a naughty type joke?
I’m guessing naughty.
Aim it at Marlon Brando – “Last Tango in Paris”.
**Knock knock**
Who’s there?
Your mom.
Your mom who?
Butter.
…
I don’t get it.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Butter mom.
Butter mom who?
Everyone in her family butter mom is ugly.
PAM!!!
PECIL!!!
SQUIRREL!
An alternate interpretation:
Two end tables walked into a bar. One said, “Hey, my name’s Shoot. What’s yours?” “Offer.” “Can I ‘offer’ you a drink, then?” “I could go for a shot of something.”
**rimshot**
Sparky has been watching too many Tarantino movies. Sparky will shoot you before you make your offer so that you will offer anything to get to a hospital. Try not to get blood on the end tables though, you just bought them after all.
Upon review of today’s comments and posts, I would like to suggest that bleacher seating be built in the corner of the snark lounge in order to accommodate the frequent overflow crowds. Doing so may prevent a citation from the fire-marshal for overcrowding.
We’re also going to need more rest rooms. And a beer fridge. And at least one toaster oven.
Kinky.
You people blow me away. Love you all.
Oh Supreme one, please join us on Facebook! We’ll entertain you in different ways there. 8) Look for YSaC Friends.
For some reason I read that as “You blow people me away” and thought it was a reference to Grampdaddy’s uproariously disturbing novella above.
Punchity Punch Punch Taco “Expletive Deleted” Magic!
G’Night, Litchfield, Connecticut!
Late to the party, but my dancing shoes are on!