YSaC, Vol. 1013: Does your chewing gum lose its flavor …
We here at YSaC are all about helping others.* To that end, today we provide you with ads that might potentially help you improve your personal situation.**
For sale is one beautiful, cherry wood, King size headboard. Has two tall, attractive posts. Comes with all the hardware you need to attach it to a bed frame.
Headboard also comes with Juju that is so bad it borders on the Satanic. This Cherry headboard resided over the marital bed of a ten-year union that ended when the Wife decided she would have relations with her bridesmaid’s husband. To make matters worse, she was also the Godmother of the bridesmaid’s daughter. The bridesmaid is rethinking that decision and has asked the Pope if he would annul the whole Godmother thing.
While the Wife is gone, the Bad Juju headboard still lurks. If you’re trapped in a bad marriage but just can’t find the words to ask for a divorce, have I got a headboard for you. For just $6.66 cash you can install the Bad Juju headboard in your bedroom. While I can’t guarantee the results, I do believe that within three months your unwanted husband or wife will be having a little something something on the side with a close family friend, and be gone before the New Year.
I’ve been through a lot lately, so I can’t entertain any Nigerian scams, phishing expeditions, or Western Union flim-flam mumbo jumbo trickery. No checks. E-mail me and I’ll make arrangements for you to view the Bad Juju headboard. You’re going to need a pickup truck or a trailer to get it home. It’s a lot of headboard and a lot of Bad Juju.
Once the headboard works its magic, you might want to replace it with something else. Like, for example, this:
King size headboard with “whore” scratched into it.
Heavy wood headboard with “whore” scratched into the surface on the left side. Apparently that’s where the whore slept. Could probably be sanded out or masked in some way unless you prefer it as is. There are some other superficial scratches as well.
This will let all of your future carnal conquests know that you’re just fine, thank you very much, and NO YOU’RE NOT BITTER WHY DO YOU ASK?
Thanks, Kathryn and JW!
*This may not actually be true.
**Your results may vary. Do not, under any circumstances, take our advice.
Wow. How many people can say they have personally asked the Pope to annul the whole Godmother thing?
I didn’t know papal duties covered godmothering. What other trivial things does Mr. Pointy Hat oversee?
I should call up the Vatican and see if I can get my own Godmother. Right after I find a pumpkin and some field mice.
He also orders all the candles for each church when they run out. He has to test all the candles to make sure they meet the 14 point requirement checklist to be used in the catholic church.*
[]It’s a candle.
[]You double checked, it’s a candle.
[]It’s made of wax.
[]When lit with fire it burns.
[]It does not explode, so is actually a candle, not dynamite.
[]The candle is white or other suitable color
[]Unscented. Or scented, whatever. It might make the church smell nice
[]I checked it one more time. Still a candle.
[]Those bawdy nuns should probably not be given too many extra candles.
[]The balance point in the candle is appropriate given the length. Not that it matters.
[]The wax has a clean, refreshing taste… like licking Jesus himself. Optional.
[]I am sure it is a candle.
[]No visible cracks or breaks. If there are some, just melt the outside until it looks fine and then check the box anyway.
[]There is a wick in this candle.
I think these
crayonscandles pass inspection, but I need to do a taste comparison.:scurries off to lick Jesus:
I think the “licking Jesus” comments are worthy of a trot to the corner, you filthy heathens!!!
PS: The Pope is also responsible for refilling the TP holders in the bathrooms in the Vatican (proving that oh yes a man CAN do that) and he gets the mail out of the box.
ADDENDUM: “Bawdy nuns” and “candles”. Heh. Heh heh.
Licking Jesus is IF’s Emo Creed band.
*snerk*
*goes to corner*
Oh, good, there’s some Jesus flavored coffee slices left. 🙂
I can’t decide if “bawdy nuns” is redundant or an oxymoron.
Yes.
[candle corey]ecclesiastical candles have to be made with beeswax, if memory serves correctly.
Also, for Catholic practice, being made a godparent is serious business. It’s an oath to raise a child as the parent would in all the religious aspects the parent and mother church would require. Middling serious stuff, for those taking it seriously.
Although, how slyph get invited to christenings has always vexed me in the telling of such tales . . .
[/corey]
Beeswax is a lesser concern when compared to the fresh taste of Jesus.
Hence our insistence that BBUT – when invoking the llamanun and ostrimu’s names.
So, do beeswax candles smell like honey?
An aside – had a cat named “Beeswax” for years. He was a sweetheart.
Tasty Ecclesiastical Candles! It’s like Jesus is in your mouth!
…
I’ll be in the corner.
Jesus melts in your mouth…not in your hand. Cause if he did, you’d run the risk of going blind.
[irreverent story]My mother joined our family at Sunday Mass a few months back. At communion time, we all marched up, received our wafers and were returning to our pew when my mom looked at me scrunching my mouth up and making weird faces.
“What are you doing?” she hissed.
I answered, “I have Jesus stuck in my teeth.”
My descent into hell continues.
[/irreverent story]
He always used to stick to the roof of my mouth…. 🙂
“Bless me father for I have sinned…can I get a little hummus to go with Jesus? He’s a little dry.”
Personally I always thought Jesus was a little dry. He needs to moistureize better… or at least slather himself with some butter and jam before mass.
*Starts constructing a confessional in the corner*
EDIT: BOO! Mudsy edited her post and stole my joke!
Your post wasn’t even there when I edited. I believe YOU are the thief, Mister!
I think if I were Catholic these jokes would make me lose my faith. : /
Blasphemers! Y’all are going straight to Hell for this! Hell I say! Shame, shame! Forgive them, Jeebus!
———————
Although I gotta admit you can’t beat the taste of a good Christ and peanut butter on toast sammich.
LOCUSTS!!! HERE COME THE BUGS AND FROGS!!!!
Jesus. Not just for breakfast anymore.
My bologny has a first name,
It’s J-E-S-U-S!
I’m eating sammichs in Heaven some day
‘Cause me He loves the best.
Oh I love to snark and
Blaspheme all day
And if you don’t like it
Why, I’ll saaaaaaaayyyy…
..something something
mumble mumble
My Lord can whip your
A-S-S!!! 🙂
ADDENDUM:
AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ghostie, a bunch of people are looking for you! They have stickers on their cars and trucks that ask, “Got Jesus?”
If wafers aren’t your thing, you could always try comparing them to wine.
But what if I buy the Bad Juju Headboard while single? Will it attract the husband of the last girl I was a bridesmaid for, thus splitting up their marriage and allowing me to rid myself of both a friend and an affair? Maybe I should e-mail Sparky and ask? I NEED TO KNOW HOW THIS WORKS.
I’m thinking that if you’re single and get this headboard, any girl/boy/other you bring home will automatically start having sex with another person.
Careful management of this headboard could lead you to a life of threesomes.
Or ownership in a pornographic movie company.
And, even a cursory examination of Rule 34, shows that not all threesomes are desireable . . .
Especially if you have pets.
1. Why do I have to buy a king-sized headboard just to get some bad juju? You’d think that by now, someone would have come out with ultra-concentrated bad juju in convenient travel-sized bottles. (suddenly has idea for his own company)
2. I foresee fights along the lines of “Why do you always get to sleep on the ‘whore’ side of the bed? It’s my turn.”
Slogan for concentrated juju co.: “Take your bad juju with youyou,” or “You go with your bad self, now in convenient travel size.”
I bet they’ll stock it in the same aisle in stores where they keep the Mojo powder. And Love Potion #9.
*earworm*
Thanks, FM!
She didn’t care if they were red, black or white
She started f!*$ing every man in sight
But when she f!*$ed a good friend of mine
I sold that headboard for nine plus ninety nine.
I doff my hat to you FM – nay, I bow in supreme reverence……..
And I like your little finger, Flip.
I never knew that headboards could be so damaging to a marriage. I think I’ll put off shopping for new bedroom furniture for a while. I like being happily married.
I know right? I think I’m just gonna leave our bed in front of the window and skip the headboard all together.
Are you gonna leave the webcam up too?
Only when I’ve got the TacoThong on.
*SNAP*
*Jingly Jingly Jingly!*
Wow … I’ve never seen a web broadcast pixelate itself.
Placecards for bedtime bouncy! Wish I’d of thought of it first.
The possibilities are endless and the high end models could have little placards that slide into “frames” on the headboard. Their surface would be like a whiteboard so you could write, erase, write, erase to your heart’s content without damaging the fine particle-board finish.
*rushes off to check for patents*
CJ – I’ve been seeing crafts done with chalkboard paint, I’m trying to find a reason to buy some and turn some object in my house into a chalkboard. There ya go! Instead of names (I HOPE nobody but ME has been on my side of the bed) Hubby Monkey and I could leave notes or draw pictures….
No, no no. Wait. Oh Jeebus no. Hubby really doesn’t need to be encouraged in the perv department. He’s bad enough already. Nevermind. Sigh.
EDIT: Now I keep thinking of the pictures Hubby would draw on the headboard. I’m imagining sleeping under a crudely drawn picture of a pe-
Oh my.
Pecil.
No Taco – FM intended ‘peccary’ or ‘pendant’.
Or maybe not.
Grampdaddy, probably not “pendant.” I rather doubt anything would be hanging, if Mr. FM is the artist (per FM’s description).
Thanks to whiteboard paint, the back of my door is a whiteboard.
Unfortunately, thanks to cheap markers that don’t erase without some serious elbow grease, I haven’t used it in quite a while.
If you still have marks on your door… try writing over them with the same dry-erase markers and erasing that. I don’t really understand how it works, but that is the easiest way, that I’ve found, to erase stubborn leftover marker… er, marks.
[remodel & craft corey]
One of the best uses for the chalkboard paint I’ve seen is on appliance decorative panels–specifically refrigerators.
This works best on those appliances that have a frame and hold a metal sheet as the exterior finish.
But, it’s very cool in actual use. Small hands can draw all they want, to as far up as they can reach. Grownups can makes lists, leave notes and instructions and the like. The panels are still magnetic, too. Win-win, as long as you can stand a chalkboard-green refrigerator.
[/corey]
Cap’n: If the paint is magnetic too I’m covering one whole wall of our kitchen in that. Awesome. Thanks for the info.
The paint’s not magnetic but the refrigerator is. They do have magnetic paint, though.
And you could write directions, too. Like, “If you’re not here in 5 minutes, I’m gonna start without you!”, or “Wear the monkey suit with the tassles”, or “Where did you leave the whisk and the electric knife?”
“We’re out of batteries” would be another.
Or “Shopping for new gimp mask, brb” so that the partner knows to wait.
Tonight’s safety word is “Cumquat”.
You could also post scores.
Oooh, a running tally, I like that idea. I used to keep count…
And diagrams. Hum. That might be worth it.
Oh my. Is the same reasoning behind my boss asking me to water and take care of the plants that my predecessor left behind? Before she quit, leaving the building in tears? This would explain A LOT. *
*jk, I actually have a pretty neat boss.
If my marriage fell apart* definately the first thing I would do is post my hurt on Craigslist under the poor guise of selling the headboard. That’s just the mentally healthy thing to do, plus it certainly makes your point to your ex-spouse… if they just happen to be browing craigslist in your area for a headboard… reasonably close to the day you post it.
A plan certain to succeed.
*When my co-worker and later my boss got divorced and things got ugly/expensive I informed TacoMa’am that she was stuck with me.
If she had to be reminded, that’s a bad sign. You do need to keep score, maybe.
Is there a possibility that we’ve misinterpreted the second ad? Let’s not be too judgmental: Perhaps Sparky had a bad memory and kept forgetting her name so she carved it into the headboard so he could call it out when in the throes of passion – “Ooh, Whore. I love it when you do that, Whore. You’re such a whore, Whore.”
See how it adds to the tenderness of the moment…
Should have used the possessive: Mine hors.
Whenever I read ‘Bad Juju’ this is the first thing that comes to mind.
So now I can’t read this without a Jamaican accent, and it’s sending me into a fit of giggles.
All I get is Johnny Weismuller in a loin cloth tied to a stake awaiting his turn at becoming Edgar Rice Burroughs Stew in some cannibal’s pot.
Of course until he calls the elephants and they come storming into the camp and flatten the local natives.
Love, love, LOVE the title and the earworm thus produced.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6bFTVi0hHs
Good morning to all, and CJ you are IN the box. 8)
I’m in the bawks!
*looks around and finds pink glitter nail polish*
Well, at least I’ve got something to keep me occupied.
Here kitty, kitty…heh…heh…
the faxt that its $6.66, and yet Sparky’s all like no checks. *snickers*
Slow day, huh?
I understand, it’s a lot to read. I nearly fell asleep reading the first ad, but made myself stay awake because I don’t want to sleep anywhere near the Bad Juju Headboard, or even near a picture of it. My marriage is fine how it is.
But would you sleep near the whore headboard?
What would that change? 😉
One of my redhead’s nicknames is JuJu, but she’s mostly good and I don’t think she would cause infidelity. Also, we stopped calling her by one of her other nicknames in public because people can’t hear that it was spelled Ju and assumed we were being antisemitic
Maybe the first poster has a stutter and he doesn’t mean Juju, he means Julie. Or junipers. Or July. Or maybe all three. He had an awful incident last July with July in the junipers and it was so awful he cannot bring himself to say it without stammering.
Two tall, attractive posts? Beautiful “cherry” “wood”?
What would Freud say, gadzooks.
Ooh…so it’s a virgin. I see what Sparky did there.
😉
I’m heading to the corner, and you both are coming with.
Great. Just lemme grab my latex gloves and bleach bottle.
Apparently? So either Sparky does not know who is sleeping in his bed or Sparky has come across this random headboard with no knowledge of its history.
Either way, it’s that extra zest of the unknown that makes it worth every penny*.
*Why are there no prices in either of these ads?
Because you can’t put a value on Awesome.
There is no charge for Awesomeness.
$6.66 remember?
I don’t know about the second one though. How much do whores go for these days?
Oh, good point, I only checked the 2nd one before typing that. Still …
“How much do whores go for these days?”
I had a joke that involved your mom, 2b, but I don’t know you well enough.
God help the man that tried to “employ” my mom. She is crazy. And a religious zealot.
Which, I realize, is the same thing.
Joke away FM. Joke away.
Or Sparky is a college student who picked up the headboard somewhere for cheap because he thought it was funny.
OT — YSaC Employment Agency strikes again! My honey has an interview tomorrow at 2:00 Left Coast Time. Of course I want him to get the job, but the fact that he has an interview is in and of itself FABULOUS! 8)
Much excellent juju to you and SO, Windy!
::sends good vibes across the country::
Congrats! I guess I should use this time period to begin perusing the employment ads as well.
Except that I am kind of enjoying the summer off.
Yay!
Good luck to
CtlhuCthulCulthHim.Congrats and hoping some good luck will rub off on me.
Great news 😀 Hope it all goes well!
I hope they like your household Elder God. Tentacles crossed!
Mr. Windrose (no, no, he won’t like that at all!) Him says to tell you all thank you! 8)
OT – Well kids, after surviving the 8-hours-of-hell-can-you-die-from-this? virus last week – hubby got it Tuesday, and me on Friday – we are taking the next few days off for a stay-cation in hotter-than-hell Texas to celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do, do NOT behave or I will be soooooooo disappointed in you. I’ll be back next week, but remember…..I may be watching you…heh…heh…heh…
/end OT
#1: Have fun on staycation, glad you survived the virus.
#2: 35 years? Kudos! I bow to ya! 🙂
Ditto
Congrats on the anniversary!
What they said! 8)
Tell you what, we’ll throw a June’teenth celebration for your over the weekend!
Say, Cap’n, your birthday is coming up, a bit before mine (8 days!), correct?
AR, your birthday is June 23rd, right? Camille is on June 25, but for some reason, I don’t have Capn Mac’s date noted! Heavens! Where can I put my face? I am so embarrassed.
19th–June’teenth and father’s day combined this year.
Probably my last an independent adult, too. Such is life in this glorious Second Depression.
Enjoy, CJ! And rest up – or, you know, don’t. 8)
Ah, memories of Pillows Behind The Headboard :
Hot summer nights, wild, wild lovin
windows open to the hot night air
night breeze teases our sweaty skin
we writhe and cry out crazy words
shouting moaning the bed’s squeaking
The headboard’s banging, loud and steady
like a big bass drummer keeping time
until even we can’t take noise any longer,
stuffing pillows tween the bed and the wall
to muffle the sound of our frenzied desire
I hear loud knocking upon the door
open up! open up! this is the police!
Is someone in there being kilt?
open up or we will break down this door!
neighbor’s said someone’s being injured
stumbling naked, my robe forgotten
Smiling sheepishly I let them in
as they look me over and shake their heads
you smile and wave from beneath the sheets
they stammer apologies, then quickly leave us
I lock the door, and return to your side
we laugh like kids and wriggle together
where were we, before being interrupted?
I think I remember, but refresh my mind
give me some help with this, lets start again
Hot summer nights, wild, wild lovin
windows open to the hot night air
night breeze teases our sweaty skin
we writhe and cry out crazy words
shouting moaning the bed’s squeaking
W. I. Boucher
Always mark where the whore can sleep, so there is no confusion.
You let them sleep?!?!?
Of course, if you don’t let them sleep, you can’t secretly transport them to your underground base without them knowing.
[OT] This made me LQTM. 🙂 I now like to think of our benevelant llamanun* as hiding some awesome superheroine threads under her habit. She’d have to be someone smart and snarkalicious, though, and the only superladies who come to mind for that are eebil. Hrmph. [/OT]
*Bees forever be upon her.
Jen, that is WONDERFUL! LOL Hmmm, wonder if I can steal one for a gravitar? Naw, too confusing that way.
Oooh that would have been fun to do for Her Sainted Llamaness’ (BBUH) natal celebrations! Everyone turns up with a different super-llama!
I missed everything today so all I can say is HA!
CJ, Punchity Punch Punch! Oh, I think I hit you right in the poindexter!
G’Night, Peyton Place!
I’m a day late (and probably a dollar short) but I wanted to share that I’m really glad this got the “possibly awesome” tag. I would certainly give the first guy the “possibly awesome” tag.