YSaC, Vol. 1009: Alice Cooper? Or Adele?
Antique 18TH To 19TH Item – $595 (160YRSOLDRARE)
Antique 18 TH To 19 TH Century Perfect Item.Please Call ###-###-#### To Make Arrangement’s To See This Item.No Picture’s On The Computer But Can Get You Some.Have Been Told By The Antique Pro’s This Item Is Worth From $1,800 To $2,600 Make A Offer.
Location: 160YRSOLDRARE
(And just in case you were wondering, no, there’s no picture.)
Sometimes we write snarky commentary. And sometimes the submitters do it for us. Quoth David:
“Considering The Cost Of Gas To Drive All The Way To 160YRSOLDRARE,TX (Which,If Memory Serves,Is The Town Just Past IMADOOFUSBURG) To Buy This Antique Perfect Item,The Financial Pro’s Told Me To Make A Offer To You Of From $1.80 – $2.60;The Higher Amount If You Can Get Me Some Picture’s On The Computer.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Thanks David!
I wonder if he might consider taking a couple of early 20th century things or maybe a colonial doohickey in trade for that item.
I’ve been down that road before. But Doohickeis are on the way out. Right now it’s all about the Thingamajigs. As a Doohicky collector I’m torn about this change. Sure they’re less popular, but now Doohickies are cheaper than they’ve been in centuries. In fact you can trade one whozamawatzit and get FOUR doohickies these days. Problem is that a doohicky doesn’t appraise for a thingamabob these days.
Sad, really.
These days it’s all about the Wang Dang Doodle.
The love of wang dang doodle is the root of all evil. I think that’s in the Bible, somewhere.
I used to collect the Wang Dang Doodle, but I ended up Whopping them all night long. I ran out pretty quickly after that.
I’m partial to Whachumacallitz myself. How’s that faring?
Great-Grammy went walking one night and was never heard from again, until one day she was brought in to Antiques Roadshow.
Okay, it’s 160 years old, it’s rare, valuable, it perfectly summarises the 18th and19th centuries, and it’s impossible to photograph – it can only be Napoleon’s accession to power in 1851 (I expect it comes in a nice French Prudential box). Either that, or the abolition of the Window Tax.
Oh, and I believe Yrsoldrare is a suburb of Midgard…
If it’s 18th century, wouldn’t that make it more than 160 years old? My catculator is out of solar power—must be due to solar flares.
Oh, no. See, the place is 160 years old and rare. The place only appears once every 160 years. Better make that deal fast before Sparky disappears with the place.
Yrsoldrare is a development in Miami, it’s where all the hip seniors live I’m told. Apparently, Sparky lives in the 160 block of MakeAnOffer Ln.
Odd, I thought it was a Welsh village where they used to make one-of-a-kind items. The things I learn every day on YSaC!
*offers 160 year old item a hard butterscotch candy*
I think it’s sweet they’ve been an item for so long. Most immortal couples barely last a century.
Prunes. The secret is prunes. Lots of ’em.
Where’s my cane?
Where’s MY cane?
WHERE”S MY CANE??
SOMEBODY STOLE MY ANTIQUE CANE.
How in the heck did my cane end up on YSAC?
*Wanders away muttering about “Damn kids…”*
One day Grampdaddy went out walking and was never heard from again…. đ
He must have been arrested for harassment.
Astro, I’ve never considered you a “damn kid” – perhaps a “chronologically-challenged student of the mellophone” …
I thought Astro played the Euphonium… or was it the homophone… I can never remember because they sound so similar.
I play the Euphemism quite well. Got all my fingerings down.
*Snerk*
I don’t get it…
You know how to play the euphemism, don’t you? Just put your lips together and blow.
“I thought Astro played the Euphonium⊠or was it the homophone”
Hey, hey now! They prefer to be called “alternative lifestyle phones”, thank you very much.
The way everyone keeps talking like this about Astro, I feel like I’m going to look up and Chris Hansen will be reading over my shoulder.
BRB, I have to take a seat “over there” for something.
Well, it won’t be too much longer before it’s legal to make pervy references to Astro. Another what… 18 months or so?
Amateur Night at the Sweaty Scotsman and too many mai-tais. He’ll show up eventually, he just needs to finish rolling all the quarters they tossed at him.
Something Is Bugging Me About This Advertisement, But I Just Can’t Seem To Get My Pinky On It…
It Looks Fine To Me.
Really? It’s Still Bugging The Carp Out Of Me.
Oh! They Didn’t Put Spaces After Their Periods. Whew I Feel Better Now.
The entire post is a proper noun. It’s an antique post.
I wonder if he’ll trade his Perfect Item for a famous explorer. My Meriwether Lewis is just sitting there, taking up space on the shelf.
Trade you that for a Ălvar NĂșñez Cabeza de Vaca. I have dos, and I need the Lewis to complete my Lewis-and-Clark set.
Y’know, the world has become a less-imaginative place since people started giving up family names like “Head of a Cow” (ok, so it should read Calfshaid–which will be west of Wainscotting on one’s bicycle tour of North Cornwall, but still . . . )
“So I have this old thing, right? Really rare thing. It’s 160 years old. I don’t know when it was made, maybe like, 18th or 19th century? I don’t know how to convert years to centuries. So anyway, it’s really awesome, I mean it’s perfect. I could totally see this in your living room next to the elephant’s foot garbage can and the hoxtagonal end table with the monkey’s paw wine bottle cozy. Seriously, it’s like one of a kind, maybe one of several of a kind, but you really won’t find this anywhere else. Or, you know, if you do, it’ll probably be, like, really far away. But this one is right here, man! Right here in 160YEARSRARE, TX! This really old rare thing! Sorry, no pictures, but if you come over I have some on the computer. No, I don’t know about sending pictures to the Internet. It confuses and scares me. But seriously, come on, what do you say? Two large? Two. Two large. Large. Thousand. No, dollars. American dollars. Stop laughing.”
monkeyâs paw wine bottle cozy
MF!! You cad – what did you do to our little funky monkey?! I am distressed, really, really distressed. How is she going to pick nits in the snark lounge now?
Say you’re sorry, and sound like you mean it….
I missed the monkey paw mention. Thanks for sticking up for me, pa/paw.
For the record, there is nothing “cozy” about a monkey’s paw. We get a lot of nastiness under our nails and our palms are really sweaty.
Didn’t Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin travel thru Yrsoldrare on their way to Mordor?
Yes, that’s where they got drunk and had a threesome*. Or did I dream it?
Edit:*Frodo was too busy brooding to join in.
OMG, why would your brain go there?!? Ew!
Wait, now I’m more curious than offended. There were four of them, what did the 4th do while the 3 some was going on? Did he watch, film it, run a commentary? Was he a referee? Which one was it? It was Sam, wasn’t it? Poor little Sam got zero respect.
EDIT: Ah, Windy edited hers while I was writing mine.
FM, you’re not a “fan”, are you? Or you’ve never heard of slash fanfic? Or you’re a pervy elf fancier. 8) No offense meant, cute little orange ape!
Also, this was during their experimental college days.
Did some Googling and researchng. I, I never knew. I have been so sheltered here in Tennessee, er, the jungle. Where us monkeys hang out. They’ve not had cable tv nor the internets here for long. It wasn’t too long ago that if you wanted to skype with someone you had to have a physicial and a blood test first.
Another innocent tainted. Our job here is done.
*Adds another checkmark under Ape*
There, there, FM. It’s OK.
*passes flask*
*burp* Ah, thank ye, ma’am.
Slightly OT…
I was recently a marshall for our Commencement ceremony, shepherding about 100 soon-to-be-secondary education graduates in and out of the stands at the Big Basketball Arena (TM). We had to march ’em in (head ’em up!), sit ’em down (move ’em on!), move ’em across the stage (head ’em up! Rawhide!), and so forth.
The first group of students who followed me in, and then were seated next to me, were a group of young female World Languages majors. They were giddy and chatty and once we sat down, quite concerned with being near their friends when the split across bleacher rows fell in an unfortunate place for them.
I turned to them and explained that when we walked down, we’d reform the rows and be reunited with our friends. This twenty-something young lady looks at me and says, “You’re like Sam to our Frodo.”
I was so pleased to see that we’re doing a good job of exposing our students to the Classics.
(And no, Astro, I can’t get you a date with her. Sorry.)
Could be worse, she might’ve responded in Klingon
Those would be our OtherWorld Languages majors. I think they were right behind the Cartoon Physics and Antisocial Studies folks.
Antisocial Studies would be a great band name, IF.
A cover band for Social D?
The Antique Pro’s what?!?
If anything other than the antique pro’s mouth is talking, I am out of here.
Now I can only picture an Antique Pro doing puppetry of his bottom while appraising 18th to 19th items.
“So it’s worth a lot, but more importantly do you think I need a breath mint?”
“Can I ass you a question?”
Also, Puppetry of the Bottom is the sequel to Puppetry of the Pecil.
“Ha! You really crack me up!”
*iced coffee meets computer screen*
He meant Antique PROSE. It’s lovely.
Edit: Dammit, where’d the rest of my post go? This work computer is seriously making me want to drown it. Anyway, I wrote something charmingly humorous about Antique prose. Just go with it.
Theory: not only do they have a no electronic pictures of this item available, they have no freaking idea what this item is, either.
… Anybody elese think it might be something of a vaguely or not so vaguely scandalous nature?
An 18th Century RumpyBottomed Walrus Emasculator. Quite a racy thing to try to sell on Criagslist, actually.
I don’t think they cover that in the Walrus Sutra.
Well they should… I don’t want Nekkid RummpyBottomed Walruses running around in my Walrus Sutra.
I’d be uncomfortable with a naked RummpyBottomed anything running around, masculated or not.
I think it’s a box full of Vermicious Knids.
Probably the sort of thing where, were it old enough to have been discovered archaeologically, it would be classified as “ritual object,” the we-don’t-know-what-the-hell-this-is catchall category. The antique appraisers can’t default to “ritual object,” so they just play mysterious.
The antique store equivalent to “ritual object” is “collectible”.
I love the ritual object/religious artifact/fertility object default in archaeology. It’s a comforting potpourri of possibilities.
Maybe it’s one of these:
http://romanarcheo.blogspot.com/2011/05/erotic-roman-knife-handle-takes-pride.html
Couldn’t find a picture but that’s possibly a good thing.
The picture wasn’t that bad…
I have one of those ritual objects here at home. Every time I try to introduce the ritual, Grampmommy objects. Something along the lines of, “Will you put that thing away, you’ll scare the canary!” I didn’t know we even had a canary.
Ahem. “Scare the Canary” is the standard ballad played on the Euphemism. It’s rather catchy. Lots of trills.
Of course those things that were scandalous in 1851 are less so, now, 1.6 centuries hence.
Welcome to Yrsoldrare, The Antique Pro’s! Bring in any item, and we will NOT take a picture of it! We will give you a doubletalk story about it without identifying the item! And we will assure you of the inflated value that you are going to receive. For a $99 consultation fee, you get all this, plus when you sell it, we take another 35%. What A Deal!
Before I drive down Yrsoldrare Street to No. 160, I need to know: Is it a copy of the queen original?
Actually, I think $1800 to $2600 is a real bargain for an entire century.
Yeah, but you’re taking a chance on which one. The 18th was a much crappier century than the 19th.
Might depend on where a person spent that century.
One might argue that 1761 NYC had amenities that 1861 NYC did not.
The Nebraska plains were probably a different sort of place in 1761 than in 1861, as well.
Hmm, even during 1761, London will be much different than Paris which will be different than Osaka . . .
I was raised on a diet of Antiques Roadshow and retro culture, so I’m actually intriuged enough to want a 160 year old rare “object” regardless of what it is. Course, with my luck it will end up being a Victorian enema bag….previously used.
Antique hemorrhoid guillotine.
Seriously, it’s a real thing… Google it.
No. Just … just no.
*clenches*
Taco, pardon me if I don’t. I will take your word for it.
*nods vigorously*
*laughing hysterically*
I’m imagining puppetry of the bottom + an antique hemorrhoid guillotine.
Kind of like a cigar cutter, but more surgical in nature.
*quickly stands up and walks away*
What’s wrong, Lolly? Did you feel a bris?
I needed to get out of practice range… 8)
You should get on that, chop chop!
I took one for the team and asked Uncle Google; he found me hemorrhoid forceps and tonsil guillotines, but no hemorrhoid guillotines.
I’ve also lost the will to live, but I’m sure some fluffy ocelittle pictures will cure that.
Drat, yes my mind was smashing the two tools together.
I was referring to the forceps… there’s a pair that have a built in set of scissors for the extraction portion after you’ve locked them down.
Snip, Snip go the scissors
Do you dare click it?!
“hemorrhoid forceps” That’s so much more disturbing than the guillotine image. I think I’ll postpone lunch until maybe 3:pm. Tomorrow.
I always click. Adorable.
đ
Thanks Taco!
I always click too.
AWWWWWWWW!
Otters?
EDIT: looked at link. Yes, otters.
AWWWWWWWW!
Awww…â„
They look like little furry sausages with faces.
The foot/paw sticking out is to die for. â„
“hemorrhoid guillotine”
That really would have change “Tale of Two Cities”, wouldn’t it?
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Spice Christ, I gotta do something about these ‘rrhoids, I can barely walk, and I can’t sit at all. Any suggestions?”
“Well, sure – Go see LaFarge over at the square by the palace, She’ll fix you right up!” (Background sound of blade falling and crowd cheering) “See, there’s another satisfied customer.”
Isn’t 160 years old pretty old for a cat, or are is that in Cat Years?
Sorry, I missed out on all of the cat post recently.
Nevermind.
It’s okay… the cat posts will be coming back the very next day.
We thought they were goners.
(sits patiently, waiting to be banned)
160 years old is a great town, it holds a 160 year anniversity every year, has the oldest 160th year old, and the best 160th street in the Nation.
[OT]
Bacon Ipsum.
That is all.
[/OT]
Amo brisket illam paginam bacon iam.
Love apostrophes
Even when not possessive.
Capitalize less.
Why do you write thus?
Seems to be a bit stilted.
Oh, I see! Haiku!
You Are Quite Astute.
And You Shall Be Rewarded.
Want Something Antique?
Haiku Haiku Hai
Ku Haiku Haiku Haiku
Haiku Haiku Ku
Is this thing on? Why are there no comments since my last one? And if I place a can of corn in the yard during a full moon, will the hemorrhoid fairy come and relieve my suffering?
Alice, Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Anti Ques, wherever you are!