YSaC, Vol. 1003: With six you get angry badger.

2011 June 1

old bronze Confusious statue – $80


I have an old bronze Chinese statue for sale for $80.00 or best offer won’t last long very heavy for it’s size.

 

 

Confusious say, “If you give a man a fish, he has a bongo. If you teach a man to curtsey, he will never play rugby again.”

Thanks, Steve!

166 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 June 1
    David:) permalink

    In the last picture, he seems quite evil, so my guess is he is Confucious’ secret evil brother.

    Adores: 2
  2. 2011 June 1
    Lola permalink

    That head-shape is a bit reminiscent of Admiral Ackbar. Confucious + Adm. Ackbar = Confusious?
    “Confusious say, To start the journey of a thousand miles, don’t go that way! It’s a trap! Or maybe not. Uh, I don’t know. Coffee slice?”

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 June 1
      Jen permalink

      I was thinking – ‘so, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Vader and Yoda were trapped in a cabin one long, lonely weekend… nine months later, Confusious was born, to the great surprise of all three.’

      Adores: 12
      • 2011 June 1

        Sounds like the winning idea for the next big fanfic.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 1

          Pretty sure it already exists.

          :shudders:

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 1
          funky monkey permalink

          Rule 34. Look it up.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 1

          I will not and you can’t make me!

          :sticks out tongue:

          In fact, I’m adding “Vader/Yoda fanfic” to my Do Not Google list.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 1

          Oddly enough… makes perfect sense.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 1
          CapnMac permalink

          Ghostie, if you are making a text list of such things (like the pingback file in Hosts),
          please include the term “slashfic” too . . .

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 June 1

          Slashfic is on the list, right after “zombie porn”.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 1
          Addicted Reader permalink

          But how do zombies have sex? Wouldn’t the important bits keep falling off?

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 1

          I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

          : tops frosty beverage off with brain bleach:

          Adores: 3
    • 2011 June 1

      I thought it looked a little like the head shape of an Alien. Any moment a second little mouth will pop out.

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 June 1
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      Confucius say, Man who look like lobster probably know when it’s a trap.

      Adores: 13
      • 2011 June 1
        LimeLolly permalink

        Confucious say: Man who wear robe, feels breezy.

        Adores: 6
    • 2011 June 2
      bear on a hat stand permalink

      I was thinking the last one looked more like one of the Old Ones. Confucius Cthulhu?

      “Be not ashamed of mistakes, make them sacrifices so with strange aeons even death may die.”

      Adores: 1
  3. 2011 June 1

    Ah…Confusious, the god of all things bronze and cheezy.

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 June 1
      Lola permalink

      I thought that was George Hamilton! The things you learn on YSAC!

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 June 1

        I think he is the devil of all things bronze and cheezy

        I almost miss the guessing game of where this comment will land.

        Adores: 5
    • 2011 June 1

      Onyx is the new bronze. Once you go black…

      Adores: 10
      • 2011 June 1

        … you create a bronze statue of the moment.

        Adores: 2
      • 2011 June 1
        funky monkey permalink

        …you go to the doctor and have that nasty thang checked out.

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 June 1
          Windrose permalink

          Corner! After you take this call from Al Sharpton on line one.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 1

          I had the doctor check it out. Turns out it was just a licorice whip.

          In my defense, it gets dark in those movie theaters…

          Adores: 6
      • 2011 June 1
        funky monkey permalink

        *heading to corner*

        Al Sharpton, okay. Jess Jackson scares me.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 1
          Windrose permalink

          *makes note in FM’s file*

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 1
          Jen permalink

          Jess Jackson scares me

          But why? Jess Jackson was a pioneer of low-cost wines!! Plus, he worked for a time as a ‘soda jerk’. Now, I don’t know what that is, but it sure sounds fun!

          Ooh, is it because he’s recently deceased? And you’re scared he’ll come back as a zomb

          Adores: 3
  4. 2011 June 1

    It’s interesting that the OBO wont last long and is very heavy for its size. I wonder what it is. I am going to guess that it is a very juicy watermelon. Any other guesses?

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 June 1
      Grampdaddy permalink

      Buddha Pinata?

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 June 1

        Whoa, black Buddha, scam-a-man
        Whoa, black Buddha, scam-a-man
        Damn thing looks black, scam-a-man
        It’s an evil knick-knack, scam-a-man
        I can cut you some slack, scam-a-man
        I said oh, black Buddha, scam-a-man
        Whoa, black Buddha, scam-a-man

        Alternatively…

        He ain’t heavy, he’s my Buddha.

        Adores: 14
      • 2011 June 1
        Lola permalink

        Grampdaddy, Buddha Pinata is IF’s Shonen Knife/Los Lobos crossover cover band, I’m sure of it.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 1
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          We do some other songs outside those catalogs though. You should hear Buddha Pinata do Hakuna Matada.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 1
          Lola permalink

          Considering some of today’s discussion on the comment thread, I think I’d like to hear them do “Rock Lobster,” too.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 1
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          The Ostrimu (BBUH) does guest vocals for that number. He does a dead-on Fred Schneider.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 1
          Grampdaddy permalink

          Slice him thin and fry him: Buddha Frittata.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 1
          CapnMac permalink

          Ok, wow, Lola–Los Lobos should so lay down some Shonen Knife tracks (although I’m not sure either party would be quite the same, after).

          GD, “fritatta” is an omelet; perhaps you meant “fritas” or “fritos” (Spanish making gender distinctions of what one slices and pan fries to golden-brown deliciousness)?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 1
          Grampdaddy permalink

          Thanks, Cap’n – explains why I failed German 4 years in high school and 2 years in college.

          Adores: 4
  5. 2011 June 1

    It reminds me a bit of Cthulhu. Confucius say, “That is not dead which can eternal lie. / And with strange aeons even death may die.”

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 June 1

      You sound like the Capn, Dave.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 June 1
        CapnMac permalink

        *scrambles about the intertubes for that “text to James Earl Jones’ voice” site*

        Adores: 2
    • 2011 June 1
      Lola permalink

      Wait, what did I miss? There isn’t just “the ferret” any more, there’s a whole Ferret Tribe? Wow! How’d that happen? (Are ferrets like rabbits or something?)

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 June 1
        Windrose permalink

        It’s my fault, Lola. I thought DAFT was better than DATF. I suggested the new name. It’s still under consideration, I believe.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 1

          Did I fall asleep at some pivotal commentary? Or is this an “Ah Ha!” moment?

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 June 1
          Windrose permalink

          No, really. Here’s the link to the conversation and the transformation:

          http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/?p=6672#comment-108633

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 June 1

          Yup, I blinked. Thanks for the enlightenment, dear Windy.

          *proffers a gourmet treat stick for the birdies*

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 June 1
      Jen permalink

      Adore this too much for clicks (plus I keep getting the “Cheatin’ uh?” popup).

      Adores: 0
  6. 2011 June 1
    Grampdaddy permalink

    I don’t know, doesn’t look like much of an action figure to me. No posable joints, no wonder weapons, no secret identities, and I bet he doesn’t transform into a car or truck or anything. Plus, it has been taken out of the box. EVERYBODY knows these things lose value when you take them out of the box.

    If it was the Malibu Confucious with the stiletto heels, I might consider it.

    Adores: 15
    • 2011 June 1
      funky monkey permalink

      I had Malibu Confucius when I was a little monkey. He came with a Dream Temple and his little cousin Yansheng Skipper. Ah, the fun I had playing with them!

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 June 1

        I had Disco Confucious; it came with platform sandals and prayer beads made out of cocaine.

        Adores: 10
        • 2011 June 1
          Lola permalink

          Mine came with the pink Dream Chariot.
          And some sort of male eunuch doll named Kenfusious.

          Adores: 8
    • 2011 June 1


      Transformer, Jah Rastafari in disguise.

      Adores: 10
      • 2011 June 1
        Lola permalink

        *throws many doors at Hammy, careful to not actually hit the cute puppy*

        Adores: 3
      • 2011 June 1

        Would a rastafari Transformer be a bong that transforms into a hash pipe?

        Adores: 8
  7. 2011 June 1
    funky monkey permalink

    Why does Confusious make me think of Wharf?:

    http://therealrevo.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/Warf.jpg

    What’s with the big-ass head (or big ass-head)?

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 June 1
      Grampdaddy permalink

      (or big ass-head)

      Gee FM, you promised you wouldn’t call me that in public….

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 June 1
        funky monkey permalink

        I know, I thought I had successfully dealt with my outbursts during therapy. Maybe I need a therapy booster. Or more meds.

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 1
          Grampdaddy permalink

          Or, perhaps, just Lola’s flask.

          Lola, please pass the Monkey a bananananananana daquiri.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 June 1
          Lola permalink

          Ring ring ring ring bananaflask!

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 June 1
      madbrnnr permalink

      Confusious – The Next Generation?

      Adores: 10
  8. 2011 June 1

    So, Yoda, Obi Wan Kenobi and Darth Sidius walk into a gene recombinator…

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 June 1
      madbrnnr permalink

      Can I stop you if I know this one?

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 June 1

        Yes, but I’ll pout. Look at this face. Do you want to see this face pout? Really, it’s kind of freaky.

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 1
          madbrnnr permalink

          Hmmm. Yeah, frankly I most emphatically do not want to see that.

          Moving along…

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 1
          Windrose permalink

          Mad, you should be here more often. Have you been shown the way to Gravitar? 8)

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 1

          It’s just a jump to the left…

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 1
          madbrnnr permalink

          WR,

          Yeah, I know about it. The quilt pattern just kind of makes me…comfy and warm. 😉 Thank you kindly, though, for mentioning it. 🙂

          Plus, with work (mini vacation right now) it is impossible to be here at all during the day since work blocks anything with the work “Craigslist” in it. Joy killing wankers.

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 June 1
          madbrnnr permalink

          Lara,

          Thank you for putting that brain worm into my mind on this oh so lovely Wednesday.

          *mad wanders off with visions of Riff-Raff, Magenta and Columbia in his brain*

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 1
          Lola permalink

          Joy killing wankers

          Oh, I used to work there! You too? I’m sorry.

          In any case, join us evenings and weekends and whenever you can. 🙂

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 1

          I do what I can and I can Can-can.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 1
          madbrnnr permalink

          I think my company’s sole function in life is to remove all possible joy from the workplace. I keep waiting for them to notice and make me remove my buds for my personal 7,000 song radio station I carry around with me. Make’s me miss the NY area. At least everyone there is an a** and we all understood each other in that regards. 🙂

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 June 1
          Lola permalink

          Actually, I’m in NY right now, and pleased to report that not everyone is an a** at my current place of employ* … though the NY branch of Joy Killing Wankers, LLP is right down the street (four years later and I’m still relieved to have gotten away). My condolences that you appear to be working at their branch in [location] (or is that Ish?).

          *my boss alone deserves a BBUH for (a) being human and (b) treating his supervisees as human

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 1
          madbrnnr permalink

          Sorry Lola, either I phrased that wrong, or it is a very inside joke amongst myself and my other ex-NY coworkers. Either way is very possible with my mental dyslexia (which would make a great band name, IMO).

          The joke is that we from NY are all a**es, we know it, the country knows it and we don’t care. We’re proud of where we’re from and that we can cram over 10 million people in one area without killing 50k every day. Or, as I like to say, where else can you see a city street, cars barely moving, and a pedestrian walks between cars, bangs on the hood of the car he just cut off and states “Hey, I’m walking’ here!”. Gotta love NY attitude.

          On a lighter note, my home here is an entirely separate organization of joy killing wankers (another great band name), with no known ties to other organization of the same or similar names. I do think they all go to the same school of “How to remove all joy from the workplace” seminar though. 😉

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 June 1
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Hey — I flunked out of that seminar once.

          So it’s not random reply placement day anymore. It was kind of fun for a change, similar to have a no-edit day.

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 June 1
        CapnMac permalink

        [o/t corey]
        The US has now a fifty year history of promoting people by way of longevity rather than any other explicit trait.

        As a result, we have entire generations of people who have never known any other system than “managing”–the basics, the fundamentals, the precepts, of “leadership” are and undiscovered country to them. Even if tripped over, as incomprehensible as ancient Nepalese script.

        We humans, silly ex prairie monkeys we are, we retain that paleolithic reflex to abhor the unknown, the strange, the alien. There’s fascinating reading on whether that’s based in recognizing bad grains or in stealthy predators.

        Sadly, with no better examples in the common population, there is a certain expectation to have to work for petty martinets–even when knowing that, becoming a petty martinet is often just a reaction to being placed in a position of authority for which one is not competent.

        This is an area that Dr Denning never quite found a solution for. Being a ‘manager’ rather than a ‘leader’ is often like hazing. Even knowing better, being the “er” is the reward for having been the “ee” for so long a time. Petty, foolish, adolescent; all without question. Dr Denning famously said “No one, barring some twisted examples, comes to work thinking ‘I’m going to do a bad job today.’ ” Yet, we are submerged in “bosses” who presume that to be exactly the case. They then set the bar to the point that they get what they expect.

        I’m spoiled. I know it. I was inculcated, I was raised, in a culture of meritocracy. Even if with limits–we all have feet of clay–to the point there’s a phrase “We salute the rank; not necessarily who’s wearing it.” But, one advantage to wearing one’s resume over one’s left pocket is that it can be a bit more obvious whether that rank has been pinned to a turnip (even a naught-shaped one) or not.

        [/trying to see the good in a low day corey]

        Adores: 1
  9. 2011 June 1

    It’s sad that the best offer won’t last very long. They really don’t make them like they used to.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 June 1

      Let’s be honest though, nobody made offers like Don Corleone.

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 June 1

        Yeah… for this statue, he’ll make you an offer you can’t confuse.

        Adores: 11
      • 2011 June 1

        Whenever somebody jokes that they will make me an offer I can’t refuse I immediately think they are threatening me with a decapitated horse head in my bed in the morning. This doesn’t increase my desire to buy whatever it is they are selling. Although I can think of someone I could regift that horse head to…early in the morning on their door step with the newspaper in its mouth.

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 1

          Storytime!!!

          Taco, you quit offering the other kids. It’s most unseemly young man!

          In 2006 a very drunk woman drove through my front yard one night, totaling my car (THREE MORE PAYMENTS!!!!!) as she sat minding her own business in my driveway.
          Consequently, we had to purchase another car.

          It was July.

          July in Texas.

          Hot doesn’t even begin to describe, and when you add the fact that we where schlepping around every car dealership in our area – there are quite a few, actually – and didn’t want to be buying a car at all (THREE…THREE…PAYMENTS…SIGH….), we were simply Not.In.The.Mood

          So given our reluctance, and the personality of every smarmy used car salesman on the planet – really, where do they get these guys, some genetic lab somewhere? – we really didn’t want to be shopping for a car. About 2 minutes into most spiels and we were already headed back to our other vehicle to hit the next lot.

          Until we came to one dealership and met the nicest, most gentlemanly, older salesman I’ve ever met. He was soft-spoken, polite, and really just hung back and let us look.

          We zeroed in on an Impala and asked him if we could test drive it.

          That’s when he went from kindly gentleman to Guido, the Used Car Guy.

          He grabbed the keys, opened the four doors and said, “Look, youse could fit tree or four wise guys in da back seat alone!”

          I stifled a giggle as he opened the trunk and continued, “In heah, deres room for what…five, six bodies? Fugheddaboudit!”

          I stood back, literally speechless, as he walked around the car gesturing wildly and doing his best East-Texas-meets-NYC accent.

          “Great car, great car…”

          Umm…okay, but the way he was acting I really wasn’t sure I wanted to test drive. However, burly hubby was along so we did.

          When we got back to the lot and told him we really liked the car, he morphed right back into kindly gentleman as he did up the paperwork.

          When we were (finally) done with all the signing and check-writing, he handed me the keys.

          “Thank you.” I said.

          He winked at me and smiled as he whispered, “Fuhgeddaboudit.”

          Strangest car-buying experience. Ever.

          /end storytime

          Adores: 10
        • 2011 June 1
          Lola permalink

          CJ: Maybe he was in Witness Protection, but got a little bored once in a while and pretended he was back in “the life”?

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 1

          I dunno, Lola, but that Texas meets NYC accent was really wrong..on so many levels.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 1
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          CJ – are you missing something?

          Edit – now the rest of you is there, part of you must have stepped out for lunch.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 1

          Artsy…my parts shift a lot any more. It’s called “aging”. Sometimes I find things in the next room, damned if I can remember how they go there or why I was going there in the first place.

          *toddles off muttering about…something…can’t remember what now…*

          Adores: 6
  10. 2011 June 1

    Confusious say, “Don’t ask me, I can’t figure it out either.”

    Adores: 9
  11. 2011 June 1

    Hey, Taco… I bet whoever bought that possessed cat painting from TacoFather at the garage sale would love to add this creepy little bugger to his collection. I get the strong impression that if someone brought this statue home, it would come to life with glowing red eyes and wreck havoc around the knick-knack cabinet.

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 June 1

      Knick-knack, paddy-whack?

      All that’s left are bones.

      This old man came slashing home.

      Adores: 9
    • 2011 June 1
      Lola permalink

      “Possessed Cat Painting” for band name of the day!

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 June 1

      I kind of wish I could see this possessed cat painting. I bought an oil painting of Beaker at a garage sale. The lady didn’t even know who Beaker is. Her son painted it. He’s pretty good at painting muppets, he really captured the fear in Beaker’s eyes.

      Adores: 9
    • 2011 June 1
      CapnMac permalink

      SisLyle
      You just gave me the worst sort of
      Christopher Moore “Dirty Job” * moment of all of these less-good items using CL to collect their malevolence into one location to bring an End to Everything.

      Consider, the haunted hawk, the possessed doll, this figurine, the cat painting, et al, all collecting, migrating to some one location–Egads! the haunted Basement . . .

      ________
      *Note, the html link compiler in the comment editor appends a single quote if you cut-n-paste links.

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 June 1
        Addicted Reader permalink

        Makes me think of the library at Unseen University.

        Adores: 4
  12. 2011 June 1
    Windrose permalink

    I’m thinking this is the result of Alien vs. Predator. The dreds just haven’t grown out yet. It’s a wee alien, after all.

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 June 1

      AWWW, don’t you just love it when they’re little and they attach themselves to John Hurt’s face and blow up his stomach?

      Adores: 5
  13. 2011 June 1
    eridanis permalink

    *worf …… / geek

    e~

    Adores: 1
  14. 2011 June 1
    Windrose permalink

    Lola’s in the box, with Zombie Anwar. Should be fun. 8)

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 June 1
      Lola permalink

      Wow, thanks Windrose!
      If I need protection during the punch, I’ll just hide behind this sarcophagus I brought back. 8)

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 June 1

        Does it have rhinestones? That would be awesome!!

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 1
          Lola permalink

          Of course! What else do you expect from a showgirl mummy?

          Adores: 5
      • 2011 June 1

        For a brief moment, I read that as “esophagus” and thought, “man, Lola gets to go on the most awesome safaris.”

        Adores: 8
      • 2011 June 1

        I left Sven in there from yesterday, Lola. You can always hide behind him.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 1
          Lola permalink

          I’m going to cover myself in Sven. Seems like a good idea in general.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 1

          Man, Sven has all the fun…

          *wanders morosely over to a chew toy and mauls it*

          Adores: 5
    • 2011 June 1

      I think the Luxor Larceny stole the show in that comment. That’s my band name for the day.

      Adores: 2
  15. 2011 June 1
    funky monkey permalink

    *pokes head out of corner*

    Clarification time: After re-reading my response to Minefield’s “once you go black…” post, mine sounds purty, well, rude. When I read his post my mind went to “if it goes black, maybe it’s time to consult a physician”. And after I snark-i-fied it, well, I don’t look so nice. I can’t believe it but I have actually shocked myself by my behavior.

    not.a.niceMonkey

    I’m returning to the corner, where I will dig a hole and find the corner down there. And dig some more. Do they have banana-flavored coffee slices in Corner Hell?

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 June 1

      Nah. That wasn’t any worse than most of the snark we post here on a mild day. Why, there was that time with Taco and a herd of dik-diks trapped in a room with a tranny lounge singer and they —

      …but that’s another story.

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 June 1
        funky monkey permalink

        Actually, I’m enjoying being in Corner-Underneath-Corner-Hell. Who knew they have biscuits down here? And I’m getting an awesome tan.

        Plus my next door neighbor is Bin Laden and he has a cool gaming system set-up. And his mom is HOT!!!

        Adores: 9
        • 2011 June 1
          Jen permalink

          Plus, if you get bored of GTA, he’s like the second best hide-and-go-seek player EVAR!

          (First is Jesus, based on how many people used to show up at my door on Saturday mornings asking if I’d found him.)

          Adores: 7
    • 2011 June 1

      Stop digging when you reach my bunker and you can come in for some banana-nut coffee slices.

      Adores: 6
    • 2011 June 1

      Oh geez, next thing I know someone will set standards for this place and the snark will shrivel up and die!

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 June 1
        funky monkey permalink

        Whew, I’m relieved, thought I made a faux paw*. Was turning out to be a bad day, I just discovered someone stole my lunch out of the community fridge in the cafeteria here for the 3rd time since Christmas. Is there any such thing as an alarm or security device that, when moved, screams out, “STEAL IT NOW, MOTHER F#$@ER!!!!!”

        *Yeah, I know, I spelled it wrong on purpose. WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT????????????

        Oh, my. I need a drink.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 1
          Lola permalink

          *passes flask*

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 1
          funky monkey permalink

          @ Lola: Bless you. Confusious say friends with flasks recieve larger mansions in the afterlife.

          Adores: 8
        • 2011 June 1

          On the day you crack, FM, submit your lunch-room vigilante note writing here.

          Edit: Derp derp, I can spell…
          Edit X2: GAHAFOALADLKDFHAOSDOASDLKK!!! Third times a charm…

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 1
          funky monkey permalink

          @Sister: There won’t be anything “passive-aggressive” about my revenge. I’m having fantasies of Ex-Lax brownies with saltpeter topped with frosting with little sprinkles in the frosting (sprinkles=contributions from the cats’ litter boxes). Give them a little screaming diarrhea.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 1

          Storytime!!

          Yes, kiddies it’s bonus day at storytime! Woot!

          When I worked in a cubicle farm I found much fodder for hilarity.

          Case in point:

          A mentally unbalance a/p clerk sent out a mass e-mail one day, the text of which read:

          SOMEONE STOLE, YES STOLD, MY WALLET FROM OUT OF MY PURSE! HOW COULD YOU? YOU ARE MY FRIENDS AND I TRUST ALL OF YOU!!!

          I DEMAND THAT WHO EVER DID THE DEED RETURN MY WALLET RIGHT AWAY. JUST LEAVE IT ON THE BREAKROOM TABLE (mind you the breakroom was in an entirely different part of the building and was shared with other companies, but let’s not let logic interrupt a perfectly good meltdown) AND I WILL GO IN THEIR TO FIND IT IN 30 MINUTES!!

          YOU HAVE 30 MINUTES, OR ELSE!!!!!!!

          About an hour later, we get another e-mail:

          WELL, I GUESS NO ONE IS WILLING TO FESS UP. I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DISAPPOINTED IN ALL OF YOU.

          I was rather enjoying the hilarity and disappointed she didn’t follow up further.

          However, the next morning when I came in, our crazy woman had sent yet another mass e-mail:

          I am sooooo sorry for my behavior yesterday! I acted like a child! Please forgive me, my doctor recently adjusted my medication and I’m still getting used to the increased dosage. As my way of apology, I’ve brought a huge chocolate cake for everyone. Please join me in the breakroom for a slice at our morning break.

          It was signed Hugs, CrazyWoman.

          I don’t know if anyone showed up for cake, but as for me I decided voluminous vomiting or explosive excrement were not on my a) calendar or b) bucket list so I passed.

          I also have no idea if her wallet ever returned home, but judging by her behavior I’m guessing it escaped with its life.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 1
          funky monkey permalink

          “voluminous vomiting or explosive excrement”

          Thanks CJ: What you said. Exactly.

          My turn for a story!

          I’ve had house cats for decades, in between weekly deep cleaning on the boxes I do maintenance on them: I’ll clean out the, well, “clumps”. After I married Hubby Monkey I put a garbage bag of said clumps on the porch, planning on taking them to the car to dispose of them on my next trip out.

          Before I could Hubby went out the front door and came in seconds later wanting to know why was there chocolate candy with sprinkles in a bag on the porch? I asked him if he ate any of the “candy” before I answered him. To those of you not familiar with cat boxes, cat turds in a litter box look just like little tubes of chocolate covered in white and grey sprinkles.

          Enjoy that lunch/afternoon snack, depending on what time zone you are in.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 1
          CapnMac permalink

          FM, you made me smile.

          1. Because no one, ever, not once, has mistaken my current cat’s bowel output for anything but what it is. (Former 20# manx, ‘output’ more like a Peke than Persian).

          2. For remembering a workplace that had a number of people who thought the company provided lunch, just not a very professional one. Which one learned when they put the tupperware back for the “lunch faeries” to refill with notes on using better bread, or less hot sauce, or did they not know that their nephew’s sisters, neighbor’s boy’s best friend has a brazilnut allergy and you hafta say iffin theres any in the waldorf salad . . .

          3. In case of passive-aggressive vindictiveness/belligerency in the workplace, one has to be careful about “dosing” workplace foods, lest one have to eat one’s own spoils [NPI]. No, if one paper-bag’s the lunch, then using a second bag with someone else’s name upon it works much better. This is also handy if one is being surveiled as a target of mischief.

          4. sigh.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 1

          BWAHAHAHA!

          I have three cats and am intimately familiar with Kitty Roca.

          If you wanted to be extra-special vindictive, make a kitty box cake and garnish with the real thing.

          http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/kitty-litter-cake/Detail.aspx

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 1
          funky monkey permalink

          Ah, kitty roca. Thank you so much Ghostie for a name for it. Awesome.

          I learned a new word today!

          Addendum: Re the fake but real kitty litter cake – urp!

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 June 1

          Ghostie: One of my co-workers make that cake for another of my co-workers. She put it in a kennel and told birthday co-worker there was a kennel that needed cleaning.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 2
          Bombdude permalink

          Is there any such thing as an alarm or security device that, when moved, screams out, “STEAL IT NOW, MOTHER F#$@ER!!!!!”

          As a matter of fact… I have some mercury switches, small speakers and PCBs. All we’d need is one of those recording hallmark cards that you can record your own phrase onto, and put it all together.

          Hmmm… wanders off muttering

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 June 1
      Innana permalink

      I think it’s time to Spank the Monkey.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 June 1
        funky monkey permalink

        And how come I’m in the corner and you’re not?

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 1
          Innana permalink

          Can’t squeeze all these breasts (shoulder-knees) into a small corner. So sorry!

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 June 1

          I’d be willing to test that theory. For science. Since I’m already here and all.

          Adores: 6
      • 2011 June 1
        CapnMac permalink

        I thought they made CL close that section . . .

        Adores: 3
  16. 2011 June 1
    Innana permalink

    OLD BRONZE MAN: Hello, ladies. Look at your ancient philospher, now back to me, now back at your A.P., now back to me.
    Sadly, he isn’t me, but for $80, you could have me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a DIY glass-bottom boat, sinking, sinking, with the heavy bronze. (Told you you wouldn’t last long — you thought I meant the offer?)
    Anything is possible when your man is bronze and dresses like a lady.

    Adores: 18
    • 2011 June 1

      It’s so nice to have clear sinuses in order to enjoy this wonderful spring day. Thanks, Dr. Innana!

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 June 1
        Innana permalink

        Ah, so glad to be of service!

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 1

          *ringy tink, ringy tink*

          Hop Sing on line 1 for you, Innana. Ah, so…:)

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 1
          Innana permalink

          Wondered if you’d notice that!!

          (I have to finish talking with Hey Boy and Kato before taking more calls)

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 June 1
      funky monkey permalink

      The Old Spice parody post from Innana gets my vote for the box! Well played!

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 June 2
        Innana permalink

        Perhaps I should now rescind the Spanking suggestion…

        Adores: 0
  17. 2011 June 1
    SpaceBug permalink

    I is so confusious.
    Is statchue Namekian?

    Adores: 3
  18. 2011 June 1
    CoffDrop permalink

    Love the man. Here’s a couple quotes that seem to fit:

    Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.
    – Confucius

    Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.
    – Not.A.Confucius

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 June 1

      Man who break wind in church sit in own pew.
      – Confuse-us

      Adores: 5
    • 2011 June 1
      Windrose permalink

      And this classic: Man who run naked through air port going to Bangkok.

      I have my own corner in the Command Center ™, thanks.

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 June 1
        funky monkey permalink

        Windy: The Best One Yet.

        I’m not brown nosing. Really.

        Adores: 3
  19. 2011 June 1

    Confusious is the patron saint of Contemporiania, if I’m not mistaken. This doesn’t look like a very good representation of him… where’s the furniture he’s supposed to be blessing?

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 June 1

      Someone took it for free.

      Adores: 8
      • 2011 June 1
        Ziaheart permalink

        Someone bought it for free.

        There. I fixed it for you. :3

        EDIT: Wow. That seal-cat face looks really stupid in this font.

        Adores: 2
    • 2011 June 1
      Grampdaddy permalink

      I never would have guessed that Confucious worked for IKEA. He also writes instructions in his spare time.

      1) Dump all parts and pieces out on floor.

      2) Identify parts and pieces.

      3) “Those who try to assemble furniture from directions are screwed.”

      Adores: 8
      • 2011 June 1

        I once tried to set up a fax machine, yes I’m that old, using directions translated from Chinese to Mongolian to Aramaic to Burmese and then to Spanglish.

        I literally laughed till I couldn’t function.

        And, no, we didn’t get the fax machine set up that day.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 1
          funky monkey permalink

          I had a sports watch like that.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 1

          I had a cheap little MP3 player like that. The instructions boiled down to “Press all the buttons until something happens.”

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 1
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Press ALL the buttons!!!!!!!!!

          (What, me, stir crazy? Nope.)

          Adores: 3
      • 2011 June 1
        CapnMac permalink

        Should that not read:

        1) Dûmp ålle parte ik pîecjs oøn fluor.

        2) Jîdëntifîe parte and pîcjs ålle.

        3) Ênjoî yøor fîne furnîtur! Bûy ålle stûûf fon ûs !

        Adores: 7
  20. 2011 June 1
    CapnMac permalink

    Ok, this is clearly a small world.

    My dad had bought this same statue–if in mahogany– in either Hong Kong or Singapore (he never remembered which) on his first cruise on his first destroyer.

    So, I grew up with this figurine about the house.

    Eventually having a younger brother, said figurine had been been dropped/knocked over/used for blunt object trauma at least once in my life.

    Often, after such an event, one or both of my parents could be heard to remark that “Well, it could have been one of the bronzed ones…”

    Not that I (heaven forfend) would be skeptical of decor items on f/b . . .
    Not one that might have been bought for HK$8 and sold in a garage sale for 80¢US . . .

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 June 1
      Innana permalink

      Was it heavy for its size? And did it last long?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 June 1
        funky monkey permalink

        That’s what she said.

        I’M ALREADY IN THE CORNER, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

        *dig dig dig expletive dig dig dig fling some poo dig dig*

        Adores: 7
      • 2011 June 1
        funky monkey permalink

        I apologize, folks. My ill temper and irritability is due to some ass hat stealing my lunch today. Time for a snack.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 1

          Monkey want a ‘nana? Or a ‘nana daiquiri?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 1
          funky monkey permalink

          Meh. Just hand me a bottle.

          Adores: 3
      • 2011 June 1
        CapnMac permalink

        In,
        Heavy as a block of asian hardwood with some bits whittled away.
        Duration is up past a half-century so far (it’s in the guest room at my folks’ house; said room having a Chinese theme).

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 2
          Innana permalink

          “Whittled bits” now has my vote for best band name.

          Adores: 0
  21. 2011 June 1
    Ziaheart permalink

    Why would I spend $80 on a statue that won’t last long? I mean, disposable items are necessarily cheap because they want you to use it once and then throw it out and buy another one.

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 June 1

      The photo could be only a portion of the actual item for sale; when the statue gets dirty you just throw it away and another one pops up. Like a Pez dispenser, but with statues.

      Adores: 5
  22. 2011 June 1
    CapnMac permalink

    Ok, found this elsewhere:

    SACRAMENTO (CBS13) — Police are calling it a new phenomenon in crime. Stolen cars are showing up on Craigslist. They’re sold and then stolen again. CBS13 has more on this new scheme.

    Police put out warnings about a number of Craigslist crimes, but this one takes a new twist.

    “It’s a new phenomenon for us,” said Officer Laura Peck of the Sacramento Police Dept.

    Two cars were stolen, sold online, and then stolen again, making a double profit for the car thieves.

    Police say the cars were stolen months ago. On Sunday night they were both sold through Craigslist; one in Oak Park and the other in South Sacramento. The suspects then returned to these neighborhoods and stole the cars again.

    “The two cases are very similar and they are going to be investigated as being related,” said Peck.

    The suspect descriptions also match up. The Craigslist ads, which are apparently still online, offered the cars for a very low price, prompting police once again to warn online shoppers that if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

    “Anyone who’s looking to buy a vehicle and not doing it from a dealer, they should confirm the license plate and last four digits of the VIN to ensure that they match,” said Peck.

    Both of the stolen cars have now been located and have been returned to the original owners. The second set of victims, the buyers, are out of luck in this case.

    Police are reviewing other stolen car reports to see if there are more victims out there.

    Ah, evolution, where a predator will form, eventually, anywhere prey can be found . . .

    Adores: 0
    • 2011 June 1
      Addicted Reader permalink

      …if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

      Aww. So do you mean that boat that I bought for cheap probably won’t float? Or that the rocket shoes might not get me to the moon? Or that the carseat might not really be PINK?

      Aww, shucks, and I spent my last Crisco on those things.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 June 1
        Lola permalink

        Here, I have some vintage cereals you can buy for free, AR.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 1

          I have an inflatable penguin-bear that might cheer you up.

          Adores: 3
  23. 2011 June 2
    Windrose permalink

    Oh my, what a long Wednesday this has been. Everyone be sure to come back for Sure Happy It’s Thursday! Lola, my dear, Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, Shandong Province

    Adores: 2

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.