YSaC, Vol. 997: What’s Oprah, doc?
Variations on a theme. There’s four separate posts for the following in my inbox:
Candle Opera
We’ve even seen that one before; I suspect it’s relatively common.
This is a little less common:
FREE CHANDLER
Of course, Matthew Perry is in rehab again right now, but I think it’s voluntary, so I don’t think a protest will help very much. It doesn’t have the same gravitas behind it that FREE WINONA did.
But this is the first time I’ve seen this one!
Candle Oprah – $25
We have two candle oprah’s $25 OBO
You know, Oprah really has been a light in the dark, dark world. I can see how someone would want to reflect her shining example of glowing goodness on the rest of us. CandleOprah, save us from ourselves!
Thanks to Meghan, stolatt, Leigh, and Ginger for the Candle Opera ads, Jonathan for the Chandler, and to Ellen for the Candle Oprah!
I had to replace all my singing light fixtures…. they only knew one song.
“You Light Up my Life?”
Let the Sunshine In?
(They were lazy?)
“St. Elmo’s Fire”?
“The Electric Slide?”
“There’s a Light (Over at the Frankenstein Place)”
“Ring of Fire?”
“Here Comes the Sun”?
“Be our guest”?
Or “Candle In the Wind”:
It seems to me you lived your life
Like a Candle Oprah on Craig’s List
Never knowing if it was your talkshow
Or a book of matches you missed
I would have liked to have bought you
But I had nnnnnnot theeeeee caaaaash –
Your ad ran out long before
Letterman said “Kiss my ass”
I vote that we go on a ‘find FM an avatar’ quest! You’re one of us, now… expand from the monotomy of the quilted oppression! Arise, Brother/Sister/Asexual Being! Show your true* face to the lounge!
*True = image of choice.
Possible avatars for FM that spring to my mind:
Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey
Sock Monkey
Album cover for FunkyTown by Lipps
I am not cool enough to figure out how to link to images. Sorry.
This.
*squeal* I’m flattered, but I’ve tried to get an avatar and apparantly I have to register first. When I try to register, it tells me “user registration is not currently allowed”. Hum. And I have an adorable pic of Curious George that I want for an avatar.
Tip: Never never never never Google “monkey pics”.
How about a movie reference
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfdz6sKayd1qcemcyo1_400.jpg
darn, I was hoping you would want this
http://b.vimeocdn.com/ps/268/268914_300.jpg
You going through Gravatar there FM?
The user registration not allowed sounds like the wordpress bug that happens from time to time. You can clear that by clearing your chache most of the time… but wordpress does its avatars through gravatar, so having a wordpress account probably won’t help you.
Just go to Gravatar.com and register with the email address you use to comment here. That should do it. (If you need to actually register here, send me an email and I’ll do it for you — I’ve got registration turned off right now because I was getting 300+ spam registrations per day.)
It might take a while for the avatar to show up here after you register on Gravatar.
And by bug, I apparently meant Llama-nun-fu.
Also, yesterday I tried to register a few hundred of my spare login names; many of which begin with viagramoneyloandealfreeipad4you. If you see any of those go ahead and approve them.
Thanks for the direction.
Check out my mug shot.
HOW CUTE AM I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SQUEEE!!
Orangutiny!
Now you will be known as Not. A. Monkey. Because that is a photo of a baby librarian. (i.e., Discworld)
If it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey
Even if it has a monkey kind of shape.
If it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey
If it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey, it’s an ape!
(Brownies for someone who recognizes the tune)
Magic Brownies? While on a photo safari, Larry the Cucumber sings this song (Silly Songs 3D cartoon series VeggieTales – The Wonderful Wizard of Ha’s).
Double-chocolate chip brownie points for that answer, Coffie. I was expecting (if anyone actually knew) something as simple as ‘Larry sang it’ but to know the movie is pretty impressive.
“Blinded by the Light”?
Even worse… they kept singing When We’re Human. It was kinda freaky.
Hi Angel! Someone ate an iguana here recently, and I was wondering if you were missing any neighbors. 8)
Actually it was a “newt sammich”. Thank you.
Candle Oprah is IF’s Electric Light Orchestra post apocalyptic cover band.
I keep thinking of the part in Phantom of the Opera (? I’ve never seen, only read it) where the chandelier falls on the audience. Somehow, an Oprah Chandler with her and Matthew Perry falling on people just seems slightly less dramatic.
Swinging from the Chandler…I’ll be in the corner
Waitjustaminutehere…
Ellen? Sent in the ad for Candle Oprah?
Clearly this is yet another salvo in the epic Degeneris-Winfrey rivalry. It’s like a Jedi-Sith battle, without the lightsabers.
…or the interest…
… or the civility.
For get the Oprah Candle… I want the Aunt Closet sitting behind it. I bet I could fit all sorts of Aunts in that one.
“For get”?
Stop workin’ my side of the street, Lyle!
It’s the head-cold. Apparently the Rhinovirus makes me regress to an earlier state of Taco-dom… before I learned to proofread.
I almost corrected that for you this morning, but ran out of time. 8/ Funnier this way.
That chair looks like it’s positioned for something sinister involving the Aunt closet.
I have heard legend of the CandleOprah… it is said that the CandleOprah is a powerful staff that gives Oprah control over the Chupacabra. I have heard that the CandleOprah possesses the power to calm this mythical beast and give him a human form. There are those that say Dr. Phil is the human incarnation of the famed Chupacabra… I hope whomever purchases the CandleOprah takes their new-found responsibility seriously. Who knows what catastrophe would be brought upon the world if the Chupacabra was given all the power that Dr. Phil has amassed….
With great Oprah comes great responsibility?
I knew Dr. Phil was a goat sucker!
I must say that new diet Oprah’s on seems to be working miracles.
And maybe the “FREE CHANDLER” ad is actually alluding to the episode where Chandler is put in a box as punishment for stealing Joey’s girlfriend.
I also wondered if it was a misguided reference to the film “Heathers,”* which should have instead read “Chandler Lives” (spoiler alert: Heather Chandler actually dies).
*A classic for the ages, and don’t try to tell me any different.
“I love my dead gay son!!!!!!!”*
*This is a movie quote, don’t hit me.
I love that movie!
“Eskimoooooo”
“Corn Nuts!”
Yeah. 8)
Incidentally, they are now asking $15 for each. Apparently inflation is hitting Oprah pretty hard… and fast.
I thought Oprah was already inflated…
Well, that would go nicely with Spider-Man and the banana…
Fun with pictures: What can one do with an orange folding chair, an Oprah, and a mountain of bagged rock salt?
Looks like celebrity wrestling time to me.
Online I found it there for sale, for free,
A wax shaft and wick; brought it home with me.
Do I light it right now or should I wait,
This wax God of light my desires sate.
Melt all over now, the fire growing strong,
A group of dancing lights, so brief then gone.
And though it burns away you’ll get my gist,
That the Candle of the Opera is there on Craigslist.
Those who surf the net don’t want you much,
Your sheen of perafin, beezwax, or such.
I see your sale, a deal that can’t be missed,
Yet still the Candle of the Opera is there on Craigslist.
I lit the Candle of the Opera!
Vanilla scented Candle of the Opera!
Well, better than A Candle in the Winfrey.
Holy Vanilla, or Sinful Vanilla?
Yes
One of those horns holding up the halo things.
All these candle ads must have been in preparation for the end times, when the power infrastructure would fail, forcing those of us left behind to set our houses on fire in order to read our computer screens.
What?
Makes sense to me. How else are you going to update your status on Facebook?
“Fighting off zombies and helping get an asteroid off of the house, which fell on us right after the earthquake and rain of frogs. BRB.”
“Hiding in the bunker eating canned peaches while everyone burns. Kind of wish I could have seen the four horseman, they must have looked awesome.”
Lola, stealing that for FB right now!
JOB OFFER: Facebook Maintenece Drone – BIG PAY!
I need a mindless corperate tool that can update my facebook on a daily basis exactly how I mandate it right down to the emoticons. Should not show any initiative or iventivness other than what I specify. Must be willing to substitute my opinions in place of your own in your daily life.
Qualified applicants will have no fewer than 5 facebook accounts under various aliases which can be used to like all the posts you’ll be making for me. They will also have at least 1 years experience in farmville maintenence. Spam avoision certification preferred, but not manditory.
This is a non-paying position.
I’ll let you people guess which words I purposefully spelled wrong, and which are honest to goodness typos.
Bwahahahahahahaha!
Pfft, no snacks? Fughedaboudit, then.
I was disappointed that a status option after the ‘Rapture’ wasn’t ‘Still here, bitches.’
I’ve always been dissapointed that they don’t have “no longer in corporeal form” as an option. Ghosts like to keep in touch too!
Imagine how disappointed all those ghosts would have been if the big event had happened.
Ghost: “WTF?? I had to die…and horribly, too…to get here and you! You’re sitting on the couch, eating a ham sammie and poof! By the way, could you cover your nether bits? Its considered bad form to go around nekkid here. Go see St. Peter, or one of the Laundry Angels, they’ll fix you right up with your own toga…and, yes white is the only color they come in.”
Rapture-ee: *blinks uncomprehendingly, vestiges of ham sammie dripping onto Heaven’s floor*
God: “I’m NOT cleaning that up!!” *walks away, shaking cane…on Earth, thunder rolls*
Adoring that means the next rapture is gonna pass me by too.
That is the quote of the week. HIGH FIVE!
*supplies FM with the highfive so he/she/it? isn’t left hanging*
For the record, I am a
*checks down south*
a girl. Or a very cold young male.
For Lyle’s sake, I hope that wasn’t the poo-flinging hand.
I thought perhaps as much after the enthusiastic squee but my brother does the same thing with the proper prompting so I couldn’t be too sure 🙂 *discretely washes hand*
If my dad didn’t post on Facebook these days, Sis, I would totally to the Still Here status.
FM, here are some pink bows for your hair! And pink booties. Oh. It does clash a bit with the red hair.
Lumiere is free for the Candle Opera. He’s been sitting around since 1991 and could use another job so he can support his very strange flaming feather duster family.
The Flaming Feather Dusters for band name of the day.
With their new hit single “FEATHERS
NOTON FIRE!”This may be an unfortunate sign of things to come, but I am creating a word press blog and I can’t figure out how to link it to my name on here. Can someone either tell me succinctly here or go in the forums and let me know? Pretty peas with an Oprah on top?
Just put it in the “website” portion of the 3 text boxes. If you’re logged in you’ll need to log out. I think there is also a way to attach it to your wordpress forum account, but I’m not sure how to do that.
Also, make sure to include the “http://” portion of the address, as it won’t work without that.
Now it’s working. I guess I had to ask before it would work. Either that or Windy did something magic.
What he said. Right now your name links directly the to wordpress home page so you’re almost there.
Thanks!
Wait, which three text boxes. I feel like such an idiot.
nothing I am writing is showing up. I am vaguely alarmed
Yeah, it looks like it should be http://lifeabsurd.wordpress.com, presuming that’s your blog — though there’s nothing on it right now.
I can’t seem to post! Nevermind, that was weird! Did anyone else have a problem?
I have many, many problems.
None are posting-related though.
Batman: The cause of and solution to all GhostCat’s problems.
Not all of them.
I have a hangnail I’m ninety-five percent sure isn’t Batman related.
I assure you, it is.
*looks in problem bin*
*counts*
Ninety-nine.
99 problems in IF’s bin
99 problems in the bin,
Take one out and..
OH MY GOD IT’S A HUMAN HAND! ARRRGGGGHHHH!
*Flees in terror*
Now look. You’ve hurt Thing’s feelings. I hope you’re happy.
We had a cat come in today named 99. I think it had something to do with Get Smart.
Or it was a really, really big litter and they ran out of names.
99 adorable kittens for sale
99 adorable kittens…
Take one home
Name it Ga’nome
98 adorable kittens for sale.
98 adorable kittens for sale
98 adorable kittens…
Take one home
Name it Sharone
97 adorable kittens for sale.
97 adorable kittens for sale
97 adorable kittens…
Take one home
Name it Toblerone
96 adorable kittens for sale.
96 adorable kittehs for sale,
96 adorable kittehs,
take one home,
name him Capone,
95 adorable kittehs for sale
96 adorable kittens for sale
96 adorable kittens…
Take one home
Name it Capone
95 adorable kittens for sale.
EDIT – Jinx Lola!
95 adorable kittens for sale
95 adorable kittens…
Take one home
Name it… Oprah…
11∗√(Pythagoras) adorable kittens for sale.
94 adorable kittens for sale
94 adorable kittens…
Take one home
Name it Britches
93 adorable kittens for sale
93 adorable kittens for sale,
93 kittens for sale!
Take one home,
Name it Ramon,
92 adorable kittens for sale.
92 adorable kittens for sale,
92 kittens for sale!
Tone one home,
Name it Stalone,
91 adorable kittens for sale.
I was not aware that the imperative of “to take” is now “tone”.
Apparently Taco adopted the chubby kitten and needed to tone it’s flabby-ass down a bit.
[OT]
Long weekend here in Canada, and I’ve kind of been radio silent. My father-in-law was staying over while visiting us and other relatives, which is always a bit of a … stressful time, as he and my wife always get into arguments, and both of them being Italian (he totally old school, thick accent and all) means it was like watching mules trying to get each other to unwillingly move. Kind of hard to snark and be creative in that sort of environment, so I had to make up for it this morning finishing up a trilogy I should have done over the weekend when it was still relevant. *sigh*
He left this morning though, so despite the fact that my long weekend was shot at least we’ll have some peace and quiet. At least until he returns for father’s day.
I will now return me to my regularly scheduled snarking already in progress.
[/OT]
…Oprah and Chandler in bed! Oh, my.
Do their arguments sound like Mario and Luigi talking in Super Star Saga? Bedabobbadabe? Dababadabe! Bedabab. Babadabebe! With lots of hand gesticulations?
Mamma Mia! That’s a spicy meat-a-ball!
Well, they were talking in English (he in broken English, my wife in perfectly fine English since she doesn’t even speak Italian) but his side of the conversation was not too far off that mark, actually. Lots of superfluous terminating vowels.
So… How awesome is it that the 1000th YSaC post is gonna fall on a Friday!! Talk about double bonus!
It’s pretty bad that it’s Tuesday and I’m already pining for Friday.
It’s only been a month since my last vacation, but I’m already pining for another one. Fortunately that happens in mid-July so not long to wait.
Given that 1000 is quite a milestone, I’m thinking something extra-specially-double-plus-good is being cooked up. We should have fireworks and ponies and a disco wok and unblublers and nacho cheese fountains and and Lionel Richie cheese heads and Bea Arthur standees and a bowl of lacawates valtrus-sukas and zombie clowns and, for no particular reason, Richard Dean Anderson.
Related: I was trying to Google the proper spelling for lacawates valtrus-suka by searching for “valrus suka” (because I couldn’t quite remember the spelling, you see). Google helpfully trying to suggest what I might be looking for:
I will never think about bukkits the same way again.
Oh Dear Lord. Would “Walrus Sutra” be a chapter in the Kama Sutra? Jebus help us.
You should avoid “kitty sutra” as well.
A mispelling of “Kitten Sutures” lead to that one. There is not enough brain bleach in the world to get rid of those images.
Position 34: feasting upon the wounded mouse.
*Goes off to replace his brain*
I’ve just put myself in the corner. To protect myself.
Silly monkey. The corner is where all us bad kids hang out. If you want to be protected you’ll have to stand directly in the middle of the potted ficus. Although we’ve had reports that the ficus can get a little frisky sometimes. Just close your eyes and think of France.
Ok, I’m not sure if it is the idea of a pinniped mitzvah or all the dancing in sari that makes a Sutra Odobenus something to make a brain spin like a smoothie for Zomb
There’s ALWAYS a reason for Richard Dean Anderson. *smirk*
Especially if it involves a comb, some beeswax, a chocolate bar, half a packet of paperclips, gum, and two left shoes.
Also known as Page 114 of the Walrus Sutra; the Kennebunkport Twist.
Shit. The plague is finally descending upon me. I guess I could only hold out against the wave of sickness for so long. Got the scratchy throat this morning and now the cough has taken hold (I feel like I’m gonna start losing teeth or tonsils or something).
I should have followed my “DON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE TODAY” instinct this morning.
*sprays copious amounts of Lysol on monitor, keyboard, laptop, docking station, et al in attempt to avoid rhino-plague-du-jour*
Go home, now.
I would like nothing more. But we’ve got a rather big software migration going on today (Which is why I’m trapped at my desk) so the best I’ve been able to manage is trying to contain myself to my desk area and minimize interactions with others.
My day has been:
Initialize SQL routine
*HACK COUGH SPLUTTER*
Transfer files
Apply Patches
*HACK COUGH SPLUTTER*
Fire sequence of SQL upgrade scripts
*COUGH COUGH HACK WHEEZE*
Do some paperwork while waiting for the scripts to finish.
More paperwork
*CHOKE COUGH HACK COUGH CHOKE WHEEZE COUGH*
“You doing ok over there, Taco?”
“Just attempting to suffocate to death. I’m good.”
“Ok, sounds like you’ve got it covered. Also, stay out of my office until you recover. And; we’ll be having a hazmat team decon’ing your area tomorrow so you might want to take the day off.”
*COUGH WHEEZE COUGH*
“Whatever for?”
Storytime!!
Ghostie – looks like Taco’s succumbing to the plague. See how green around the gills he’s getting? Yeah, I don’t think he’ll bother you.
Yesterday hubby and I were scheduled to go to oldest daughter’s house for haircuts – she’s a hair stylist by trade – and in the process we get to play with grandkids and have dinner with her family.
Yesterday morning, about 9:00 a.m. I begin getting a series of texts from her.
“Uh..Mom? Just to warn you. The tummy thing that [daughter] had last week, yeah well [son] and [hubby] were up all night throwing up.”
“Awesome.”
“Yeah, at one point, Mom, I had vomit on the floor, blankie, tub, toilet, walls, and ceiling. Seriously, how does vomit get on the ceiling??”
Feeling a little queasy, I reply. “Heh..Heh…yeah, epic vomiting..I remember those days.”
“So, do you and Dad still want to come over tonight?”
“Pass. Seriously, until you *outbreak monkeys are well we are not coming over.”
“I’m fine. Weird, because I just found a chunk of vomit in my hair.”
“Yeah, still passing.”
“Okay…we’ll do it Friday if everyone is well.”
“Sounds good.”
This morning I get a text from her:
“Ugh…I’ve got it now…”
Ahh…the joys of viruses.
/end storytime
*totally true – it’s the nickname we give the family member that starts any virus/flu/projectile vomiting which spreads to the rest of us.
Pepto anyone?
Ugh. Pass on the Pepto. Got any weapons-grade Gravol?
Gravol is awesome stuff. A shame I can’t get it in the states, I have to do drug runs across the boarder to get my triannual supply of it.
Their dual release long acting capsules are the ONLY thing I’ve found that works on my motion sickness.
The Dramamine, it does nothing!
Here it’s Zofran….God couldn’t be everywhere, so He created Zofran.
I get a steady supply, having fibro sometimes means epic nausea for no apparent reason, oh and fevers…it’s…awesome.
I also have some Phenergen, but it’s potent and will knock me out so I use it sparingly and cut the pills in quarters.
I can stand the pain, the fever, the exhaustion of fibro, but I draw the line at the imminent upchuck feeling.
Huh. I didn’t realize Gravol wasn’t available in the US. Good to know if I travel there to bring some along with me should I have need of it, because that stuff does work very well.
“outbreak monkeys”
I’ll show you an outbreak monkey!!!!!
*starts flinging poo*
Aww…and see, just goes to show you can’t judge a monkey by its squee-eliciting avatar!
*retaliates by throwing inflated Oprahs at FM* Have-at!
*chucks bananas at Sister*
*gets the spray bottle and can of pennies* Bad monkey! *rattle rattle, squirt squirt* Wait… that’s cats.
Surgical mask: Check.
Gas mask: Check.
Hazmat suit: Check.
Cellophane wrap: Check.
Space suit: Check.
Virus-hunting nanites: Check.
Okay. I can talk to you now.
You made a tiny mistake; I fixed it.
….Damn you Google.
So I didn’t think Taco had spelled Squirrel properly – for some reason it looked wrong. I’m guessing it looked wrong merely because it was Taco spelling it correctly and I’m mistrustful of any words typed by my brother coming out coherent.
Anyway… a Google image search of the word Squirrel (JUST the word Squirrel) yields a plethora of adorable squirrel pictures… except for Picture Number 6. Picture number 6 is a 3-pan progression of Squirrel into meat pie. Why? Dear God, people!
That can’t be right …
:switches tabs:
Yep, there it is. Squirrel, naked squirrel, squirrel hot pocket. That guy doesn’t look too happy to be holding that much squirrel.
Is there a band called Naked Squirrel Hot Pockets yet?
That would be nuts.
Is squirrel a euphemism?
Why am I compelled to look these things up for myself? Well, at least it was tastefully (er, in a manner of speaking) portrayed by someone who is obviously some sort of chef and not time-lapse close-ups of Cousin Jeb’s down-home squirrel roast.
In other news, Naked Squirrel Hot Pockets is IF’s Squirrel Nut Zippers cover band.
OT
And now for something completely different.
/OT
Is there any way for me to squee without betraying my cool exterior? No? Okay, then.
SQUEEEEEEbabybunny.
Dude, you’re not only working my side of the street today, but my side of the zoo!
* grumpily wanders away shaking his cane*
Not.A.Squirrel.
I’m in the box! With a helper! Now if she would kindly quit helping herself to my Dibbs, I would be ever so grateful and far less stabbity.
*puts on kevlar suit and goes after Kelli’s Dibbs* So worth it!
Is that a euphemism?
Dibbs are an ice cream novelty snack.
Can’t even do comedy no more without people thinkin’ I’m srs…
If it makes you feel any better, Astro, I never take you seriously.
Is that a euphemism in your pocket, or are you just happy to see us?
I know, corner. The one with Chris Hansen on speed dial.
kelli, glad you enjoyed your day in the box, and didn’t stab Lara too badly. Punchity punch punch to both of you.
G’Night, Chicago!