YSaC, Vol. 976: Dear God, hope you got the (recommendation) letter and …
personal assistant needed
personal assistant needed with god reference, reply with your resume for more information, only seriou applicants should contact us pleasee.
Wow, the job market must be REALLY tight these days. Now you can’t even get a job without a reference from the almighty being. Good thing I know where to find him!
god guy seeks fit attractive good lady – 50
Hi- fit attractive successful businessman ,single dad with kids in college ,I am fun,witty,smary,and playful -lets meet for lynch and see
what happens ,must be a non smoker and have a healthy libido-your pic and contact info gets mine -thanks
Oh, hello there, god guy. Why, yes … you do appear to be smary. And I suppose you look fit as well, although I can’t quite tell with that large white sheet covering up your entire body and head. No, thanks, I’m not in the mood for a lynch; I just had a stoning earlier today, and you know how that fills a person up. What I’d really like to talk to you about is a letter of reference …
Thanks, Lindy and Sara!
First to Snark!
Sparky #1 Well I’m not sure I can be seriou is it like playfou and talentiou? I can do pleasee but not on Wednesdays (don’t ask).
I’m just the ladyeee for Sparky #2 since I adore Hi-fit and smary men and love a good lynching (or guillotining) since I’m very good at knitting healthy libidos from the hair and fur of murd / kille / dead / ex-living things.
Call me on NOTONYOURLIFE
Why do you want us to call you “no Tony our life”?
@ghostcat – wow! so many ways to read 13 letters. (Tony was my cat’s imaginary friend and led her into naughty ways)
*this may or may not be true*
“let’s meet for lynch”… well, I can just about imagine hooking up over Mulholland Drive, but Eraserhead? Forget it…
Besides, every time I go it’s always a mob scene.
Do you wear blue velvet to meet (meat) for lynch?
Or, is that out-of-Kyle nowadays?
I do love me some good lynching. Although I prefer the more traditional ‘burning torches and pitchforks’ with villageware over the stuffy formal sheet wearing crowd.
Also do you think it matters which God I get to write my recommendation letter? Like could I just call up ol’ Thor and ask him to fax one over or what?
Ack I’ve posted two days in a row now, what’s up with that.
I believe that means you’re officially not lurking. Welcome. Again!
You, my dear, are on a roll. Keep it up and soon you too will be shouting…
PUDDING NOT ON FIRE!
…with the rest of us.
PUDDING NO-
*Kicks rock*
Awww.
You’re one of us now. (background chanting: One of us! One of us! One of us!)
Yay, we can do another initiation!
I’ve got the chicken feathers and the unicycle, who has the chocolate syrup?
I most certainly did not use up all* of the chocolate syrup on Ten**. Nope.
*99 percent is not all.
**actually I used it on ice cream, Ten is yummy just as he is.
According to my
cookbookguide book, the proper garnish for adorable Englishmen is raspberry coulis.I thought the proper garnish for any adorable man would be a cream suace?
Yeah, Cream of Sumyung Gye.
🙂
To the corner with you!
The adorable Englishmen I know tend to want to be garnished with another adorable Englishman.
That’s fine, as long as I can still watch.
*takes pillow to corner, gets comfortable*
I would join you Lola, but I would want to help them out.
Next step: getting a custom avatar! Go to gravatar.com so you can express your personality … unless your quilt square IS your personality. Which, you know, is fine.
It’s a quilt square? Oh I… I always thought it was a paper snowflake. My illusions of being unique and yet moderately average have been shattered.
Although I guess being a blanket wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. (Unless it(I?) was a wet blanket square.)
@CapnMac: I don’t think I would make a very good God. The first time someone would anger me I’d end up smiting the whole village.
Yay! Welcome to non-lurkerdom! Stick around … there’s coffee slices.
Ah-kun — I’m afraid that if you were a blanket you’d end up in the corner a lot with Taco and Hammy. Not a good thing.
Nice eyeball 😉
Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a God, you say YES!
I see you have a good eye for humor there.
@Ah-Kun – great avatar! As for smiting a whole village – really? I’d go for whole counties / states/ countries …..that’s probably why Mummy God won’t let me play outdoors with my lightening rod.
OK so why has my avatar vanished? is it ‘cos I’m using a friends computer?
And I’ve given you doors both days. Therefore, you should stay. 🙂
“Ah-Kun” scans rather like “Anhk-Aten” (note, I was required to study rather an excess of Egyptian architectural history for my degree).
Does that mean we can apply to you for recommendations?
Gozer, Zuhl, and Vigo appear to be too busy of late. And I’m not sure I want the attention of Dis or Fir . . .
Ra Ra Sis Boom Bah!
8)
That was awful and I loved it
I would go with Kali because she has all those hands to write references with.
Also if you read Douglas Adams, you know that Thor turns people into Coke Machines
8) Soon to be a tv series, I understand.
What?
That. is. win.
Slightly OT and I probably have mentioned it before; I named one of the cats that saw fit to live with us Zarquon. He did expect daily tribute.
Welcome to the box, Ah-kun! What a day to be in there, too. Don’t worry, though, I brought extra chairs and a whole box of air fresheners.
I swear, that hole in the floor was already there when I got in there yesterday.
Didn’t there used to be a hot tub there?
Umm…
Quick, look over there!
:runs away:
Seeking personal assistant and/or fit attractive good lady. Excellent proofreading skills a must. Send résumé and/or contact information by prayer.
What format must my résumé be in? Is a PDF acceptable, or does H(?)e prefer Word-of-God documents?
WordPerfectSupremeBeing documents are totally the way to go.
Ah, so that’s why they have that Chisel into Stone Tablets function on the Print menu.
WordPerfect: Preferred by 4 out of 5 major deities.
Just don’t drop any of the tablets. Take them down the mountain one at a time if you must.
Yeah – that’s what happened to Commandments 11-15 …
As if I didn’t already have enough of a crush on Lola, there she goes dropping a History of the World Part I reference.
*manswoon*
IF has a crush on me?!?
*gets coat**goes to corner*
Er, I’ll be in my bunk.
WordPerfect: Used by 2 in 98, and those two know the difference between a Rolls and rickshaw, too.
“But, but, ever’body uses Word, it must be the best, right?” By that logic, the best East German car was the Trabant and the best Soviet car the Lada . . .
“Buckets” [grumblegrumbleinvectivegrumbleprofanitygrumble]
Here at YSaC On-Line Dating Service, we work tirelessly to match up snarkers of any sex, nationality, or planet of origin, so that they can create more snarky beings. YSaC depends on your legacy!
Perhaps I can help?
[ot aside]
Saw a recommendation the other day to always misspell “résumé” as “resume” so as to prevent it reading as “r€‰sum€‰”
Which makes a certain sense; if one that makes me sad that so many HR types/departments are so poorly fitted for text support beyond mere basic ASCII characters.
[/ot]
{another OT aside} I never realized I was supposed to submit my resume as a PDF until I went to a workshop on how to get a job in libraryland the other day. I wonder if I have been annoying my potential employers.{/another OT aside}
Kara, I now judge potential employers by whether they can open a pdf sent by email. Which is why, sadly, so many now insist upon Word documents.
Which typically means they are using the link from Outlook (or worse yet, Outlook Express), which means any formatting or page information and, heaven help you, links or emails, will be lost.
I did a consulting job as a place where the HR department was convinced no online applicant was worth considering. After all, they all had no typing skills and all used Courier monospaced 18pt.
I love the basic ASCII characters. Especially when they play Klingons!
The ASCII rendition of Hamlet was quite moving.
I thought that was HTMLET.
Damn, that would have been better. Me brain not working so good today.
Oh, the version written by the infinite number of monkeys?
You know, I’ve gone out with guys like this … advertised themselves as god men, but they’re not the least bit omnipotent or anything. Just consistently smary. And bad spellers! What’s that about?
Well, we’re made in God’s image and I bet the almighty one is a bit too busy to trouble himself with proof reading.
*Checks his Bible… which may be a Thai Menu*
Yup, nothing about typos being a cyn.
Is that from the Book of Pad Thai 3:16?
I quote that every time I watch scary movies.
Also Sprach Massaman.
Mmmm…curry….
God doesn’t proofread, he just runs his stuff through his spellchecker, Godspell. It corrects all the typos but edits the document so it’s the same five or six words over and over and over again.
Day by day by day by day by I see what you mean.
Bless the Lord bless the lord bless the lord
Gesundheit!
Everyone knows that in the computing world…. Jesus saves.
I think he also control/alt/deletes.
Taken as our text today Gospel of DOS 6.5:3-8
And thus, God saw that his children were participating in lewd and degenerate acts. And he did sit to his computer and type “Fdisk reformat” and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth unto the ending of world.
But lo did the Holy Ghost Image come and restore them to their rightful selves; those no longer possessed by the red alert demons.
Amen.
So the Holy Ghost used a system restore point?
The Resurrection of Jesus is clearly a metaphor for file recovery.
Now I’m imagining a Tron-meets-Battlestar Galactica series in which the big reveal at the end is that the Bible is actually the ancient equivalent of a sysadmin manual and the BOFH blog.
IF once again is my Man-Crush Du Jour.
Many people are going to be surprised when the end of the world gets here.
End of Line.
PRINT “GOODBYE WORLD”
I dated a guy who claimed he had been possessed by a demon. I suppose to balance things out I really should date a guy who claims to be God.
Don’t they all think that?
Good point
PUNY MORTALS, I SHALL KI-
-er, I mean…..
Heeeeey! We’re not all like that. That’s a broad generalization.
That’s correct; I’m a broad and I’m making a generalization.
You get a gold star!
I SAY YES.
God guy? Which one? Cuz I could go for some Zeus or Thor, but methinks Hermes might not be my type…what with his wand waving proclivities and all.
Hammy waves his wand around quite a bit, does that mean he is secretly Hermes?
I doubt it. He does not appear to be a purveyor of quality handbags and accessories.
I do NOT have Hermes!
PECIL NOT ON FIRE!
That’s no wand…
That’s what she said.
Well if you went with Zeus you would have to worry about what other people/animals he is sleeping with.
And the whole “appearing as a shower of gold” thing.
That’s super-kinky even by Greco-Roman deity standards.
What, no love for Eros?
I think I qualify, my previous employer said, “OH GOOD LORD” every time he saw my work.
Which is occasionally reinforced by: My God, Hammy! Where do you come up with these things?
And said in the most reverential way…
Followed sometimes by the derivation: “Jesus Christ Hammy, how many times do I have to ask you to be a bit more humble around your co-irkers?”
Gee, Sparky; I’d love to give you a reference letter from a god, but they’ve stopped talking to me ever since I ran out of the green pills.
I do have letters from three dragons, an ice giant, and a very nice note from that fuzzy thing that lives behind my fridge and sings show tunes. I think it’s a gnome.
There’s a fuzzy thing in my fridge that sings show tunes. Some of the leftovers are so old that the mold has evolved sentience. I wish it would evolve a taste in music that I like, though.
I would say if it lives behind the fridge, is fuzzy, sings show tunes, with the moon full, and the wind blowing to the west, the tide ebbing, and a hula girl dancing-it’s probably a small resentful dust bunny that hates it’s life and aspires to be on Broadway.
Mine live one block away from Broadway* – I guess they aspire only to off-Broadway stardom. Figures that my dust bunnies would be slackers.
*This is true, and while it is in fact the same Broadway, I live many, many miles north of the theatre district.
[The Third Grammar Reich]
Nein!
[/The Third Grammar Reich]
Wow. Thanks. That was really nice of you to point that out so loudly and obnoxiously.
I try. 😛
He’s a teenage boy, Lara. For that demographic, he was unusually subtle. 8)
If you answer the second ad you might want to be wary about Immaculate Conception.
Just sayin’.
This reminded me…every time I venture over to another humor site and read the comments, I get scared of things like this and run back here.
Because we never cross the line, do we B?
😉
Oh, no, we cross the line. What we don’t do is get all high and mighty about the proper definition of “immaculate conception”.
[corey]The real sad thing is that “Immaculate Conception” is really what I would term a “colloquialy accepted fuzzy definition.” It has two meanings that depend on how you use it AND by which interpretation of the Bible your faith accepts.
Basically, both sides of that argument are correct because originally, yes Immaculate Conception was Mary; however, by common colloquial use and more modern interpretations of the Bible, it’s acceptable to use it to refer to Jesus.[/corey]
I think it’s the existance of the corey tag that allows us to plop in similar discourse without seeming self righteous. And when we really want to go to town we have the matt/matte tags.
That’s a theologian (or a guy who went to church once or twice) who thinks he’s an expert.
I went to a church rummage sale two weeks ago; that qualifies me to be right about widely debated theological issues when they are discussed on the internet, doesn’t it?
Only on days that end in “y”
God guy’s dates need Immaculate Conception Contraception
Immaculate contraception! I bet Leda wished she’d had some of that.
Immaculate Contraception is the name of my Sex Pistols cover band.
Emphasis on “cover.”
*goes back to corner and readjusts pillow*
I’ve stopped dating god guys. Sure it’s nice when you first start dating and they make the stars weep for you, but sooner or later they start asking you to pick up all the checks because their followers just having been tithing lately or they left their wallet on another plane of existence.
Not to mention the celebration they demand for their birthdays! Holy black Friday!
Or leaving mistletoe or bits of sheephide or goose eggs for tips for the serving staff making only $2.13 per hour?
Two things, first, it is like 3 something now that minimum wage increased, so most servers and living “champagne wishes and caviar dreams.” Secondly, I’ve heard they really appreciate it when they are given, in lieu of a tip, those pocket pamphlets which offer them salvation. I bet they pray a lot more when they are unable to pay their rent.
I love reading religious tracts over dessert and coffee!
I always hated getting those on Halloween. It’s like “Screw this, I can’t even eat this!”
Was supposed to change, but in Texas, the service minimum is still $2.13 per hour.
Some markets pay $5.50; others the full $7.25–but those places are proportionately more expensive in cost-of-living, too.
With the proper condiments those pamphlets can be quite palatable.
So you got that excuse too, huh?
Thank you for the XTC earworm – made me smile.
I’d apply for the first job, but God gets totally pissed off when I give out his number.
1-800-ISMITETHEE?
Old Testament God:
1-800-IForAnI
New Testament God:
1-800-4-4giveness
Southern Baptist Apocalyptic God:
1-800-YALLDIE
Allah, 1-976-VIRGINS
So I have to date god guy in order for him to be my god reference for the personal assistant job? Jeez. The people you have to use your healthy libido on in order to get a job in this economy….
But he’s smarmy AND playful. What’s not to love?
Everything.
Well, maybe you not want to date de omnipotent beings, but have you given de meat-based alcoholic beverages a chance? If you happen to be interested, Baconini know a very friendly and charming cocktail dat would be willing to spend de night on de town wit you.* Bacontini tink you be pleasantly surprised.
As always, Bacontini is here for you, especially if you are de lady.
*Bacontini talking about Bacontini, by the way.
I was actually looking for a little action from a meatball manhattan. I try to avoid getting porked on Wednesdays.
Hey look! Mudsy is coming to join us in The Corner!
*waves*
Chunky or Smooth coffee slice? And do you want frosting on it?
Pudding smooth, please. And for god’s sake, hold the genuflect candle.
CUSTARD IN A NON-COMBUSTING STATE!
Simultaneous translation into French:
Creme Brulee non flambe
sexist cocktail! Plus, who is DE lady. I thought I was your only love! *runs crying to the corner and rocks back and forth*
Crabtini offers comfort and the gift of crabs to the pretty llama. Crabtini is always eager to give crabs to the pretty ungulates.
Ew.
1 Street of Gold
Heaven
April 27, 2011
13 Schmucky Lane
Loserville USA
Dear Employer,
Thou shalt hire John Smith. He is my beloved Son and is made in my image.
Sincerely,
God
“Keymaster?”
“Gate Keeper”
GUMMY BEARS!
Well said.
Tell me all your thoughts on god, cause I’d really like to meet her!
Umm, drat your earworm!
I’ll just go count some blue cars
I, uh, may have gotten a little carried away with the box today. I put up the extra chairs and swept up the Ghostcat fur. Help yourself to whatever’s in the little fridge.
In addition to seating and air fresheners, I also brought cheese, so we’ll be just fine 🙂
what scent are the air fresheners?
In keeping with today’s theme: Gardenia of Gethsemane.
Alternate choice: 3-D “moving” Blessed Virgin Mary Vanilla (from the dollar store!).
The best thing about that freshener was not the terrible, kitch art or the fact that it was also artificially scented, but that there was a warning on the packaging against hanging it too close to paint or varnish, lest the chemicals it exuded mar the surface. I wonder if that’s how the Shroud of Turin happened?
I really really want one of those Lola
So I looked around and found ones that smell like roses but they aren’t 3D and aren’t holy vanilla. Boo.
Lara, I can no longer remember where I bought it but if I ever find any others, I’ll let you know (seriously). I know other people who want their own as well.
You are awesome Lola! I will troll the dollar stores too.
*Jostle*
Kinda crowded in here today.
*Jostle*
Who’s standing on my foot?!
*Jingly*
Uh… that’s totally not me.
I think it’s a wayward pecil.
It’s always a wayward pecil
Wayward Pecils for band name of the day.
Is there ever a pecil around here that’s not wayward?
Do I get the fur back? I’ve got a bare patch where you punchitied me.
That must have been some punch! Was it spiked with nair?
OOO, [OT], My grandfather used to tell stories of when he worked in the pharmacy (he was a pharmacist for God knows how many years, perhaps I should ask the God guy) and one of my favorite stories he told was when one of his coworkers decided that nair was an excellent way to save time instead of shaving. He had a chemical burn on his face for quite awhile and the subject was not allowed to be mentioned in his presence. It was particularly sad considering the guy was a pharmacist too and should have known better.[/OT]
Nair burned my legs and it’s supposed to be for legs. 🙁 sorry if that’s TMI
It burns mine too. It would be TMI if you said it burned other areas.
[corey] Depilatories like Nair often contain sodium hydroxide (AKA lye) the same chemical found in drain cleaners; it’s also used to make soap. It would be more surprising if it didn’t cause a chemical burn. [/corey]
Other places? Who the heck puts Nair under their armpits?
If he’s God than does that mean Jesus is in college? (assuming he’s a Christian God)
I would not want to go to a frat party with Jesus. He would just keep turning water into wine and stealing all of the attention.
Yes, and he’s got a Christian Trapper Keeper and he knows how to use it!
Yeah, but you’d drink all night for free!
OT – I finally got interesting comment spam!
And then a link to a sex site. I’m a bit disappointed that it wasn’t more incoherent.
Incoherency is a trademark of those comments I believe.
At least the beginning was zen like
I hope the god see this…
If God had a name, would it be God guy
And would you go on a date
If it was over lynch
What would you ask if he didn’t pick up the check
And yeah yeah God is a guy And yeah yeah God is smary
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
What if God was just a guy
Just a slob eating some pie
Just a dude on Craigslist
Trying to make it with some girl
I may go to hell for that.
There’s plenty of room in my handbasket.
If GodSparky had a face, what would it look like
And would U wanna see it…
Ummm..probably “no!”
Is there a way for us to contact one another privately? I would love to pick your brain, Lola, about Libraryland but obviously neither of us should post personal information on this open media. Also, if you don’t want to have your brain picked I would totally understand. Any suggestion peeps?
“friend” her in fb and send her a message there.
I’ve picked her brain before. It’s very pickable. 🙂
What are you talking about, Mudsy, I –
Oh, wait – pickable. I thought you said “pickled.” That’s all right, then.
Blame it on that flask you’re always carrying!
😉
I don’t forum post here any more (enough of my life is sucked away by online activity, so I had to make the somewhat difficult decision to quit that part of it) but there was contact info, sort of, in the forum so that if you are on FB and friends with other people on here you may, circuitously, be able to find me (via Windrose, SJ, others). If that doesn’t work, we could try to think of another avenue. I’m not sure how informative I would be but am happy to entertain questions.
Thank you!
Forums[sic]->Random Off Topic->go to second page, look for Topic “Facebook”.
You ought find a number of regulars here.
You can also (sort of) browse the folks who are “friend-ed” on the YSaC f/b page.
Capn, Merriam and Webster say “forums” is an acceptable plural of forum. Quoque, neque sumus in forum Romanum neque sumus in theatrum Pompeium, et non loquimus cum grammatico Romano. Ergo, possumus dicere “forums”. Igitur non necesse est tibi habere “[sic]”.
Salve! Salve! Astrognash….. that’s the extent of my memory of Latin (apart from Caesare proficiscerente ?)
Help Llama-nun – still lost my avatar … and he was such a lovely Not.A.Lion as well …. photo from real life encounter 2 years ago with said NAL about 6 feet away from self (without any intervening bars or wire or such like)
It’s associated with your email address. Looks like you used a yahoo address for the three comments with the blue quilt avatar, but the not.a.lion avatar is associated with an email address at talktalk.net.
As most God guys would say,
adore me, Adore Me, ADORE ME.
It’s right there.
↓ ↓ ↓ ↓ ↓ ↓ ↓ ↓
Psssst. You forgot to close your tags.
Fixed.
That was like the 13th commandment that didn’t make it down the hill.
I hate to wrap this up early, kids, but it’s been a rough day. Also with so many people to punch, I need the early start.
Ah-Kun, here’s your new YSaC card! Hold it up, right in front of your face. 8) Punchity Punch Punch!
Taco, Punchity Punch Punch!
Sis, Punchity Punch Punch!
Capn, Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Promised Land!
*is only posting to see if her bran’new gravatar works*
* wonders if it will provide her with gravitas as well*
*remembers that on these forums, snarkitass is more respected*
* crawls back sadly into her uni cubicle and takes another cold pill*
Aw, come on, Judith! You got to give it more time than that. 8) Very neat photo, by the way.