YSaC, Vol 961: I think I’m learning Japanese. (I really think so)
2011 April 7
Learn Japenese
Have language course with 2 cassettee tapes and book. Also another picture book. Ah so! You’ll be able to order sushi and fight off samari warriors.
Wow. Broad cultural generalizations are fun. Let’s try a few more, shall we?
If I learn to speak Italian does that mean I’ll be able to order pasta and have people whacked?
If I learn to speak Indian does that mean I can order curry and play the sitar?
If I learn to speak Icelandic does that mean I can sing “Army of Me” while dodging falling volcano debris and investment bankers?
If I learn to speak Armenian…
Wait, you know what? I admit it. I just picked this ad so I could make that pun in the title.
That is all.
Thanks, Bryce!
Well, while we’re insulting entire cultures….
If I learn Spanish will I be able to make kick-ass tamales and fit 47 people into a single-cab pickup truck?
If I learn Sioux will I be able to trade all my worldly goods for some shiny beads and a bottle of Jack?
If I learn German do I have to give up my sense of humor?
If I learn French, will I forget how to bathe and learn how to chain smoke?
If I learn Geek, will I be able to program a computer and spout off obscure Star Trek trivia?
That last one is redundant. Geek = computer language + Klingon.
Al Sharpton is on line one.
And two.
And three.
And all the other lines.
We’re going to need more lines today.
I’m not suppose to do any more lines. Court order.
I thought we scared the line away months ago.
The line was walled up in the basement.
You can still hear it, very faintly, screaming “For the love of Spice Christ, no more Rule 34!”
English (Northeastern American dialect): Yo, Vinnie! You’ll be able to order in a deli and fight people for a seat on the subway.
English (Southern American dialect): Yeehaw! You’ll be able to order barbecued ribs and fight the teaching of evolution in your local schools.
!Xoon (Southern Africa/Botswana): ǃqháa̰ kū ǂnûm ǁɢˤûlitê ǀè dtxóʔlu ǀnàe ǂʼá sˤàa̰
Roughly translated*: Joy! You will be able to mock your enemies and offer them fragrant and exotic meats with lovely marbling.
* Very roughly translated. The actual translation is “Give them their stinking genitals with the fat!”
I didn’t realize there was a language that actually used that little box as punctuation. I’m so embarrassed now for saying it had not
porpoisepurpose.I’m sorry everyone, I didn’t realize I was being culturally insensitive.
I see no little box, Taco. You seem to have an incomplete font.
You know, an incomplete font could explain a lot. Just sayin’…
Taco: First a massive link, now a little box. Your anatomy/font is … interesting and seemingly mutable.
His parents were the Potatoheads, only he was the product of a tryst between his mom and an ear of corn.
I live in a “Southern American Dialect” covered area, and I rarely hear “you’ll” from someone that says “Yeehaw!”. I believe, correctly adapted it would be more along the lines of “Yeehaw! Y’all’ll be able ta order …”
It should have been “just fight teachin in whatever school your child is bussed to”.
Now, now guys, let’s not get touchy. NC’s not a southern state anymore.
Or at least, that’s what the indignant conservative Facebook groups that sprung up in ’08 when Obama won in NC, VA, and FL say. **rolls his eyes**
If I learn Nerky, will I be able to interpret otherwise unintelligible Craigslist ads?
My mama always said: “Nerky is as Nerky does”
Life is like a box of nerkies.
All work and no nerky makes Jack a dull boy.
Yeah, one sad part about giving birth is no nerky for 6 weeks after.
Is that like a perkle nerkle?
I thought a perkle nerkle was the result of long periods of no nerky?
Oooh, lookie! There’s still some coffee slices left in the corner!
I have been trying for a half hour, and I can’t Cap’n up blue balls. Sorry.
If I learn Contemporanian doe that mean I can decorate my living space with Ikea-esque furniture without feeling shame?
If I learn squirrel will I hoard my nuts?
And play ‘dodge the cars’?
*snerk*
*wanders over to her corner and takes a seat*
You can also learn how to bury nuts in a dark, damp hole.
Which corner has the coffee slices?
If I learn Transylvanian vill I vant to suck your blood and sleep in a coffin?
Si disco Linguam Latinam, poterone facere ut Romani faciunt?
You did what with a disco possum?
EDIT: And you changed it. What’s a poterone, some kind of dessert?
In Anglice:
If I learn the Latin Language, will I be able to do as the Romans do?
I think I love you now Astrognash
No you don’t. That’s illegal.
Is it because I’m a llama derp? 🙁
Anyway, it was platonic love. Just what kind of a llama derp do you think I am?!
Psst, Lara, it’s because he’s Jailbait. Don’t take it personally (or llamallllly). Platonic is probably fine, however.
This is a great deal, since it’s barely used. How do I know it’s barely used? I’m psychic.
My psychic friend tells me they might have a Hooked on Phonics set for sale that’s never been used either.
Miss Cleo? She told me they also have a Scrabble set that’s barely been boarded.
Obligatory: “I weel not buy thees record, eet ees scratched.”
Equally obligatory: “My hovercraft is full of eels…”
“If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I am no longer infected.”
No kidding, I once walked by a girl when I was in college who was talking on her cell phone and said loudly “well I told him he had to have given it to me because I didn’t sleep with anyone else!” I think she should have just gotten a bull horn.
That’s like the time I was in a Starbucks before work one morning and the guy said on his phone, “Dude, she gave me the clap!” People edged away.
“… if it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.”
Well, “in line” conversations of that sort are quite squicky enough as is.
Sadly, I’ve heard them from behind the counter by people assigned to handle and prepare the food products. And there are just some products that just will not pasteurize . . .
“Do you want to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?”
“Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait ’til lunchtime!”
I am already able to order sushi, and I am not sure how cassette tapes will assist me in fighting off samurai warriors because even if I learn to speak Japanese, I will still be small, wimpy, and unarmed.
But you’ll have no problem fighting of “samari” warriors, which are different somehow.
This person challenges you to cameras at 30 paces.
Well, Samrai (Structured Adaptive Mesh Refinement Applications Infrastructure) warriors will be unlikely to be wearing lamallae armor, and have trained for years with an array of deadly weapons.
Probably could over come one with a rice flail, even a point-ed stick (but, you’d want the the advanced tapes before trying anything with, oh, elderberries, or a banana–samrai warriors probably having access to Not.A.Lions)
And remember, kids, kick the samrai in the banana and run!
Ah, but this is exactly what the tapes will teach you. If you can’t talk them out of decapitating you or into committing seppuku, you can yank out ribbons of tape and learn how to hog tie the samurai until the authorities arrive. Kit good for a maximum of two samurais.
You throw the tapes like shurikens. Unfortunately their corners are rather blunt so they would cause bruises at the most.
So, they’d be nerky shuriken?
Throw the cassette tapes at them. They’ll be so confused, since they’re never seen this ancient technology before, that you’ll have time to run away and hide. Just as good as fighting them off, but safer if you’re not a samurai yourself.
If I learn to speak Italian does that mean I can eat mushrooms and stomp on turtles without PETA freaking out?
If you eat the mushrooms, you will only think you’re stomping on turtles. Then when you sober up you’ll probably be in a holding cell for killing your neighbour’s shih-tsu and destroying a whole plot of begonias with molotov cocktails.
If you learn to speak Italian, you’ll be able to elect a prime minister who is under indictment for patronizing underage hookers!
Well played Lola. I can’t believe he is only being indicted NOW. That man has been doing worse for years.
I like how it’s almost always “underage hookers”; like it wasn’t the idea of hookers in general that was the problem, just that he likes them on the young side.
I was half-listening to something about this on the news and got the impression that hookers of age (whatever it is there) may actually be legal in Italy (I thought that was just the Netherlands?), and the fact that she wasn’t at the time is the issue, but I could well be wrong about that.
This isn’t his first alleged … er … interest in women under the age of twenty, and given that he is in his eighth decade, while it may not be an actual problem, it seems a bit squicky, to use a technical term.
I thought there was legal prostitution in Germany, also.
I would ask Uncle Google but I’m afraid of what he will show me.
*Puts hand up* Oooh NZ legalised the ladies*-of-negotiable-affection in 2002. Woot! Sadly my public submission to rename the Bill to reflect the above description of their profession was laughed out of the Select Committee room. 🙁
Also, I love how, in amongst everyone getting all knicker-twisty about Berlusconi’s predilictions, the only responses I’ve seen from him are kind of ‘hehehe, oopsie’. It kind of makes me think I’d vote for him, were I an Italian citizen. Sure, he’s immoral and has possibly broken a bunch of laws, but he’s just so brazen!
*And gentlemen. I am Not.A.Sexist.
I suspect you could also hit your head against levitating boxes and gain money and jump down man holes to reach new worlds. Slimy slimy new worlds.
If you read that statement as one long euphemism, it gets … weird.
I will never look at Mario the same way again.
“it
gets …has always been weird” in the Snark Lounge.Especially on Euphemism ___day.
Every day is Euphemism Day!
That’s what they said.
I play the
euphoniumeuphemism.And you would have a brother.
Does Lyle count?
*Ducks*
Lyle counts ducks?
Does she count ducks like the Count counts ducks?
“Vun. Bwa-ha-ha. Vun duck.”
Ah, but what happens iffin I starta capish Italien?
Eyve hurt Indien a’fore, bot’ Hopi an’ Hindi; neither much helped communicate with the さん板前 (Itamae-san) in the 寿司屋 (sushiya)
If I learn Swedish can I have my way with Alexander Skarsgard?
I’m thinking no, but you might have a shot at the Ikea beards.
Få i rad. (Get in line.)
You could probably have a cooking show in which you throw everything over your shoulder eventually and say Bork repeatedly.
Best comment ever!
Bah. Swedish cooking has moved well past the gentle tossing of things over the shoulder and musically cooing “bork” periodically. Swedes are all about extreme cooking now.
I challenge the utility of any “language course” contained on only two cassettes. My single quarter of Spanish was on at least half a dozen… and there were two more quarters that I didn’t take.
Of course, I believe the poster has already illustrated my point for me.
I can think of two possibilities:
1. The course is narrated entirely by John Moshita, and thus can pack 12 tapes worth of material down to just two.
2. Sparky sucks at spelling “pekingese.”
It’s Japenese—a hybrid of jabberwocky and African ape. They only speak in burbles and chest pounding. The picture book should be much more helpful than the cassettees.
Japery-ese?
Is that affecting an Umbrian or East-end accent for jocular purposes?
Jocular? Is that a hybrid of an athletic supporter and an instrument for seeing far away?
“I’ll have the cod!”
My guess is that it’s two of these.
“Thus spake……”
My God, it’s full of ninja stars!
I’m afraid I can’t let you rewind that, Dave.
HAhaha, if I could chuck multiple doors at you for that one, I would! (Oh wait, I can… my doors have been resetting every few hours or so :-p But that’s still unethical…. Especially since you’re a minor 😉 )
But could I learn to speak it like a total stranger? Or a psyched Lone Ranger? The mere thought gives me the Vapors…
Or like a cyclone ranger.
That’s what I thought for years, but according to the lyric sheet, “psyched Lone Ranger” it is…
[nostalgia corey] Those were the days. I loved the Vapors (though not as much as I loved The Jam) but I have to admit, they were a weird-looking bunch. Their lead singer is now a lawyer. [/nostalgia corey]
Well, “Dead Boss Hand Puppets” would be a great band name.
Props for The Jam.
*has girl crush du jour on Llama-Nun (BBUH) for Jam fandom*
‘New Clear Days’ was a superb album, while ‘Magnets’ was a largely incomprehensible mess. News at Ten is the ultimate Vapors song. And sorry, but the Jam = overrated.
I’m still boggled/confuzzled by the mention of the picture book. Is it for learning how to communicate in Japanese with Hello Kitty, since she has no mouth?
A spokesperson for Sanrio says that Hello Kitty is not normally given a mouth because “without the mouth, it is easier for the person looking at Hello Kitty to project their feelings onto the character” and that “the person can be happy or sad together with Hello Kitty.”
That’s from wikipedia so it has to be true.
Thus Hello Kitty would be a wonderful Japanese teacher
Without this train of thought, I never would have learned that Thai police officers have to wear Hello Kitty arm bands as punishment when they do something wrong. This one isn’t just from wikipedia.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/07/world/asia/07cnd-thai.html
BWAHAHAHAAA! The Hello Kitty Armband of Shame. I love it.
Kiet: “Hey, hey. Look at Niran.”
Mongkut: [looks] “He’s wearing the Hello Kitty armband! What did he do?”
Kiet: “He said the king is looking a little old.”
Mongkut: [gasps] “He said that? I’m surprised they didn’t jail him for treason!”
Kiet: “It’s his first offense and he’s had an exemplary record, so this was just a warning.”
Mongkut: “He is lucky. But he had better be careful from now on, because you know what a second infraction would mean.”
Kiet: [nodding, shuddering] “Sailor Moon uniform.”
Speaking of Sailor Moon, I’m itching to make one of these.
I don’t think Firefly would appreciate it gc.
But she’d be so cute! Especially if I can get the wig on her.
HA!!! I knew there was a reason I kept those cassette players! I am SO not a hoarder!!
Yes you are!!! Get rid of the 8-track player also.
The place where I used to work had in a closet – get this – an 8 track recorder. Not just a player, mind you, but a recorder. Now if only I had had some blank 8-tracks.
But I still have 8-tracks!!! What will I play them on if I ever decide to listen to them?
You can barrow Mr. Artsy’s. He has the player, but no tapes (yes, he is a pack rat also).
With a wealbarrow?
Wit dese four tapes, you too can learn to speak de Bacontini! Woo de ladies wit your sharp linguistical skills. Talk de amorous talk, and be smooth, just like de clean, refreshing taste of de Bacontini.
Yes, de Bacontini is here to teach you de language of love; de language of de bacon. And, as always, Bacontini is here for everyone, especially de ladies.
De Bacontini flash his quilt. He ashamed and sorry for dat. Unless you like de quilt, Den Bacontini can show it anytime you want.
I rather like the quilt. I find it far less disturbing than Da Bacontini’s bacontini.
By the by, does studying your tapes make someone a cunning linguist?
Yes, yes, I know where the corner is…I just hope there’s some coffee slices left when I get there.
Bacontini’s bacontini is always flaccid…
:heads for the corner:
Save a slice for me, CJ
Bacontini!!! I have been waiting all my life for this moment. For one thing, I still harbor the tragic impossible love for you whose name must not be spoken and I really need to figure out how to pick up guys. Can you help me Bacontini?
Is it really the tragic impossible love whose name must not be spoken, or do you just not know how to pronounce it?
Or is that just me, and modern internet romance?
What?
:waves dollar bill:
Show us your meat!
::waves two dollar bills::
Don’t show us your meat!
Wow, I haven’t seen a two dollar bill in years!
::waves a fiver::
You can’t have any pudding if you don’t show us your meat!
Ah so, casette tapes? Really? and another picture book? Did someone actually come and pick up the last one?
If I learn Gaelic, I’ll be drunk all the time and start fights over issues of sovereignty.
Windy — why do you want to learn to talk to Garlic?
It is the source of her powder.
Don’t mince words…
Mindfield, I think you’ve bread a new trend.
I clove that expression!
Unless y’ learn the Erse garlic; thane ye’d b’ sa’braw puir sae t’hae t’a borrow tenpens’ frae auld daft Angus Podgorny–still daft ane th’ Sarky tennis.
I like garlic.
I like garlic with butter and bread.
I’m not speaking to any of you, anymore!*
*This is obviously not true. 8)
Oh by the way, I wanted to put just about everybody in the box for yesterday’s comments on scrabble. But I think Capn’s comment summed up the day best. 8)
Have to agree, Windy, after all any comment by the Capn that makes me faint is worthy of praise…at least from me.
I just went back and read yesterday’s comments, and they are all door- and box-worthy. I’m sorry I missed the fun!
Sushi, a 100 word poem from Dead Dog Walkin’
Tonight I’m going, if you please
Out to eat like Japanese
On each and every single dish
Will be a serving of raw fish
Good enough to make you cry
Tuna, eel and octopi
I’ll be cool, so not cocky
As I sip a cup of good hot sake
And drink a few ice cold Asahi
Munching on some sliced up mahi
Wasabi, ginger and sauce of soy
Make Asian eating such a joy
Top it off with a frozen dream
A bowl of green tea ice cream
Life for me is keen and peachy
Tonight I’m eating at Kenichi
Got an email this morning… The subject line made me giggle:
The last thing I want is bees in my front pass.
Or anywhere near your Was
natch.I wish I got e-mails like that!!
I would like some cassettees. They’d go great with my Providential audoman.
One hopes it is not one of those knock-off Pervertional Audiomen . . .
or a part intentional audubon
“Have
SpacesuitLanguage Course, WillTravelOrder Sushi”???Heinlein reference for the win!
Starman Jones 日本語が話せるか？
(Sutāman jōnzu wa, nihongo ga hanaseru ka?)
です（セーラー）ムーン過酷な愛人？
(Desu (sērā) mūn kakokuna aijin?)
Ok, line vanished in a short Gamma Ray burst, so, I’m stopping before manga Heinlein wanders into hentai Heinlein . . .
Heinlein’s All You Zombies may be the best cautionary tale against time travel.
Japenese – a form of Japanese spoken by manga art pens. Very hard to master, there are twelve words for “tentacle” and no word for “sanity.”
I thought that was Japenise.
I’ll be in my usual corner.
Japenise – where every word translates to tentacle.
I suspect the picture book for that is predominantly hentai and sold in plastic wrap to adults only.
No, I’m pretty sure in Japan, they have all the hentai stuff mixed in with the normal stuff at the book store.* I don’t even think it’s wrapped…
*True story, via coworker who lived there for a few years.
There’s a video shop down the way from me which hasn’t really figured out the difference between Sailor Moon and hardcore hentai, as I discovered when I went to get some DVDs for a friend’s small child.
She’s afraid of the aquarium now.
Not a pun.
Well, Capn, I hope this is a very lucky Punchity Punch Punch for you. 8)
G’Night, Fukushima! (You don’t think that’s why this person is selling the tapes, do you? Nah. )
May be somebody already commented but there is no language called Indian. It’s not even a recognized word in Hindi. The correct word would be Hindi. There are total of 15 official Indian languages and hundreds of unofficial ones.
I do love that you chose the authentic Indian instrument (Sitar) for it though.
I want to learn Hungarian so I can order goulash and dance the Mamushka!
Or maybe I could learn Chinese so I can order Moo Goo Goo Goo and understand all the lines in Firefly!
Wait! I want to learn Yiddish so I can order lox and take off from work on more holy days!
I’d like to learn how to speak Cat, because I think my cats are talking about me behind my back.
:straightens tin-foil fez:
Windy, you don’t have to learn Chinese, you can just use an online helper. Save time & money. http://www.browncoats.com/?ContentID=42e83b412a309
My hovercraft is full of unagi.
(superextremetriva: hovercraft is “Hobākurafuto” [hoh BAY koo rah Foo toh] which is {english word “hover” made Japanese}+sort-of-boat.)
How does learning Japanese help one fight samurai warriors? Do you talk them to death? I can do that easily enough in my native language. I mean,really, since when does fighting solve anything? Wouldn’t it be better to just sit down over a hot sake and plate of sushi and really just commune in harmony, enjoying the hospitality and mutual companionship of newly established friendships, debating the differences of orchids versus bonsai trees? So many times, it is better to extend a hand of friendship and only after luring your enemies closer to you should you even attempt to cut off their heads.
I’d like to learn babby-speak so I can tell the difference between Mini-PB’s “Waaa!” and “Waaah!”
Eenie, meenie, miney, mo, me, Ducky, PB, ghostie, Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Vapors Fans!
Hasn’t anyone noticed these tapes are for learning JapEnese, not JapAnese? I already know how to jape.