YSaC, Vol. 955: Who’s the U-Boat commander?
I buy unwater cars and trucks
I will pay you top dollar guaranteed cash on the spot you must have the title to your vehicle I am in alexandria virginia dc and baltimore at all times
OK class, here is your elementary quantum physics problem for today:
This person is in Alexandria, Virginia, Washington, DC, AND Baltimore, Maryland at all times. Clearly, that means that they are in some sort of quantum superposition. Given that Alexandria is 82,000 meters (more or less) from Baltimore, what is the minimum uncertainty in his momentum? If Sparky here weighs 90 kilograms, what is the minimum uncertainty in his velocity?
Solution:
**
Δx = 8.2 * 10^4 m
h = 1.054 × 10−34 J·s
therefore
Δp ≥ 6.4268 * 10 ^-40 kg * m /s
and
Δv ≥ 7.14 * 10^-42 m/s
In other words… we may not know where the hell Sparky is, but we can know to unholy accuracy just how fast he’s moving.
**Note: this may actually be true.
Thanks for the teachable moment, Teri!
In your 90 kg. estimation, are you factoring in the lightweight aspect in the brain area (it is, after all, a Sparky)?
Also, aren’t most if not all vehicles unwater? I prefer mine made of steel and strong synthetics. Water vehicles are no good if you’re in above-freezing temperatures. Basically they are only worth it if you are at one or the other of the Poles.
…or you’re James Bond.
Lola, you must be confused. I’m pretty sure there’s more than two Poles.
Q. Why is it possible to determine Chickenman’s velocity exactly?
A. He’s everywhere! He’s everywhere!
Instant. Earworm. Thanks Dave and ferret!
Didn’t I do a Heisenberg joke in one of my past stories? Now I can’t remember.
At any rate, I thought it was fairly clear here that, quantum universe wormholes aside, Sparky’s business model is entirely predicated on buying your small, unwatered cars and using his own time and hydro at his facility to water and care for them so they’ll grow into strong SUVs, pickups, rigs and so on, so he can resell them for big profits. It’s a convenience for those who don’t have the time to grow their own large vehicles, and of course, you pay for that convenience. Pretty standard stuff, really.
What you really need to do is get some background on these dealers, make sure they’re not using harsh or environmentally unfriendly pesticides, overwatering, underwatering (do you have any idea how silly a stunted Hummer looks? It’s already squat fully grown!), not getting enough sunlight, being fed the wrong viscosity of oil or gas with low octane — or worse, high ethanol content — and so on. Many will do whatever they can to cut corners so you really have to inspect them well before you buy.
Oh, and when you pick one, make sure the dealer pulls it up by the roots and doesn’t just cut the stem.
Many adores, ESP.
Btw, did you see my link to your TV appearance yesterday?
I just went back and checked. That was awesome! I don’t know why, but smiling dogs make me laugh every damn time.
Unfortunately I’m not getting any royalties; those are some of my cousins, and they’re not exactly the sharpest bone in the kibble. They did the work for a cheap steak and some free Dentastix and didn’t read the contract. Because they can’t read.
Stupid illiterate pugs.
That is a much better offer than the last Sparky who tried to buy my unwater car; that one just had a bunch of napkins with “MUNEEE” written on them with a Sharpie.
What? No denominations? It’s not legal tender until you write a denomination and a cereal number.
So “CHRISTIAN CHEERIOS FOUR” would be considered legal tender up in America’s Hat?
Well, you have to draw a bust of Leslie Nielsen in the middle, too (as a security feature), but yeah, pretty much.
Damn my sub-par portraiture skills! I could have been a bazillionaire.
Or a hundredaire, at least!
or in ghost cat jail
Isn’t Spectral Jail Cats IF’s Jailbirds tribute band?
I always thought he was in pretty good shape, no man bewbs…
Have you ever seen a grown Leslie naked?
No, but I think he sported a wife-beater once or thrice…
The “top dollar guaranteed cash” makes me wonder if Sparky’s sideline is counterfeiting money. He only uses the real stuff for these transactions.
I love when the Ostrimu speaks geek.
I liked it too. Didn’t understand a word (symbol?) of it, but I liked it.
I now have formula-editor (in html) envy.
Actually, I just cut-and-pasted the graphic out of Wikipedia.
If he is in 3 places at once, on which spot will he pay top dollar?
Sounds like a really complicated version of three card monte or the cups and balls trick.
I think that should be cup and balls. Generally two balls, but only one cup is needed.
*goes to corner* Oh, fresh coffee slices!
My guess is Baltimore–it’s the farthest north.
The omnipresent Sparky buys unwater cars?
I’ve always wanted an unwater car. I hear they’re quite sporty.
I wonder, are their shells minty?
The old ubiquitous submariner trick. Nothing to be alarmed about. I saw this on Inspector Gadget once, he’s just sleep posting. (With inspector gadget on while sleeping. Just to clear it up)
Go, Go, Gadget CraigsList Posting!
Nope, doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as “Go, go, Gadget-Copter!”
It probably works better than “Go, Go, Gadget-Green Light!”, which is what I yell at red lights when I think it should be my turn to go.
That’s hilarious, EB! I’m going to try that.
You should! It really works*… You won’t regret it**!
*This may not be true.
**This actually is true.
I don’t think Plank’s constant applies in Quantum questions? But then again, I don’t know what an h with a boner means either. “Diet Coke!”
Plank’s Constant = Wood.
h with a boner = k
thanks for clearing that up
If your h remains a k for over 4 hours, please see a doctor.
Uh, is that “k” the roughness factor of surfaces as used in fluid dynamics?
Or is that the constant k used for phase-state conversions like steam to water?
If your Hydrogen remains Potassium for more than 4 hours, please see a doctor.
k is for kelli and that’ s good enough for me. And now I am considering baking cookies for breakfast.
I’m two steps ahead of you, kelli… I had a cookie for breakfast :-p
It’s a Special K.
Please ignore this comment. I was gonna do a fancy balanced equation for a single-replacement reaction with made-up elements, but WordPress defies attempts to use superscripts and subscripts.
Do it in a different program, take a screenshot, link it here?
ASCII may be biased, but it would seem Unicode has what I need! Points if you can guess the names of my fake elements.
3Tm²⁺₂+2Ln³⁺₂Om²⁻₃→6Tm²⁺Om²⁻+4Ln³⁺
After all that trouble, I better not have balanced it wrong.
The pluses and minuses and subscripts didn’t show up very well, but once I put it in somewhere I could read it, it looks fine to me.
I liked balancing equations. I also liked Punnet squares. I think that sums up most of my personality.
Also, I’m guessing the elements are named after our Illustrious Web-boss, her #1 minion, and a certain name-changing commenter who is sometimes a Mexican entree.
I got Llamanunnium and Ostrimurum. I’m guessing TacoMagicum completes the threesome?
[Cleveland] That’s nasty. [/Cleveland]
Well, you both got the people right.
The names I had were
TacoMagium
LlamaNum
Ostrimun
[Serious Physics Corey (not you, Corey)]
Not only does Planck’s constant apply in quantum situations, that is the ONLY time it is of any use. It is a fundamental constant of the universe, used to determine the sizes of various quantum levels. The constant itself is denoted “h”. However, since you see “h/2*pi” in equations a LOT, there’s a shorthand for that, which is
h, usually pronounced “h-bar”.[end Serious Physics Corey]
mmmm…. Pi.
Well then. I’m glad we got that straight, and fortunately for you (and me) I won’t question your response. Sounds reasonable. And I don’t know where things are with or without uncertainty. In fact, I don’t know where I am right now.
Sparky is Poseidon which is how he is able to be in in all three places at once (actually, really close by – gods like to exaggerate). He meant to say “underwater” but you know how difficult it can be typing with a trident in one of your hands.
Or typing *with* a Trident.
… Taco, is that harder or easier than with mugs?
nm,ty fghyuiwersadsad iuoasd rtyghjastry iuotr’;
sad weasauioweret.,
EB, was that a spear-type trident, or a stick of Trident gum? Just wondering.
The three-pronged speary thing. It was pretty small, though, it just hit the two keys next to the one aimed for :-p
That’s not a trident, methinks; it’s a shrimp fork.
Ahhh, that explains the cocktail sauce on my keyboard!
That would not have been my first guess at a foreign substance on my keyboard.
I know, I know. Corner.
“Three tines is not a fork. Three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.” – Dr. Sheldon Cooper
[overly-formal flatware corey]
If memory serves (from the left, naturally*).
From outside in,
Two Tines = shrimp fork
Three tines = salad fork
Four tines = dinner fork
Plate
Knife, Steak
Knife, generic
Spoon, Soup
Spoon, dessert (sometimes cross-ways at top of plate)
________________
*Service is offered from the left as this lets the 82% of not-left-handed people use the right hand to take a serving. When ‘family style’ “passing to your right” accomplishes the same thing, the left hand receives, and the right hand takes the serving.
[/corey]
I think Overly-Formal Flatware is IF’s Spoon* cover band.
*Spoon? Really? There’s an actual band named Spoon?
You’ve never heard of Spoon? Come on, their lead singer left in the middle of a big scandal a couple years ago, and formed the “creative acoustics” group, Spork.
Spoon’s a great band, Astro – they’ve been indie darlings for a while now.
Note: This is true.
Unwater cars — makes me think about those little capsules you put in a glass of water and get a huge plastic toy. I guess you get a handbag-sized unit and stick it in a pool or river to get a nice pick-up truck or SUV.
I think you might be right. It helps with transport if the unwater car isn’t hydrated. Or maybe it’s air cooled? A fascist who doesn’t like Detroit perhaps? I think Volks’ are air cooled and Porsches too? I don’t know. My only experience with a Porsche is the Billy Ocean video, “Get outta my dreams, get into my ca-ar…”
Well, a dehydrated car would be extremely economical to park in any of the named metropolises. Although, I’m not sure I’d want to wander about DC with a gallon zip-lock filled with powdered automobile . . .
If, potentially, a bit less exorcising than mailing sugar cubes . . .
What if someone mugged you thinking your powdered automobile was drugs? There could be a sudden rash of muggers showing up in emergency rooms with crankshafts stuck up their noses.
…and the downside would be???
I think I saw that in the “vigilante” series of movies…
“I know what you’re thinking. Was it a six cylinder, or only four? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I kinda lost track myself. But Ian, this is an 8” diameter shaft, the most powerful crankshaft in the world, and it could blow your sinuses clean off. You have to ask yourself one question: Do you have to sneeze? Well, do ya … punk?”
And because I’m home and can fetch the link, and … well, just because, here’s a little song I wrote (you probably won’t be singing it note for note) featuring the original Dirty Harry speech. Originally wrote it for an iPhone game that I never ended up making.
Very techno, ESP. Makes me feel like I should be dancing under a blacklight with a glowstick.
Yeah, that’s the sort of stuff I usually write. However I’ve also done a very ambient electronica soundtrack to an iPhone app, and right now one of the projects I’m doing is an epic/majestic orchestral soundtrack for someone else’s game, which has been … challenging. But fun. 🙂
**ears twitch at “epic/majestic orchestral soundtrack”**
Ooh. Can we sneak a peak?
(I assume here you’re still using computer-generated sounds?)
It’s computer-generated in the sense that it’s all composed in a digital audio workstation, yes — additive and subtractive synthesis, physical modelling, etc. The one exception is the choir I’ll be using; while it’s software, it’s mind-bogglingly massive (40GB), and that’s because it’s all real choral voices recorded in an actual cathedral, using real runs, trills, and every possible phoneme, palatal, velar, dental, labial, fricative, sibilant every other other speech part to allow you to construct any word or phrase in any note with full portamento. It also includes separately-recorded baritones, tenors, altos and sopranos in single, double and treble-forte voices, so if composed right it’s virtually indistinguishable from a real choir — pretty much because it is.
Nothing to share with the choral stuff — it’s a huge, huge, oh my God my brain is melting huge pain in the ass, mostly because of the multiple layers of DRM slathered liberally over the damn thing — hardware and software — but also because the developers are idiots. But when you finally get it working it’s heavenly.
Nothing to share with the choir yet, but I can share an earlier, unfinished rough cut of the title track we won’t be using. (It’s not the direction we want to take it — the new title will be more majestic than epic, more Jurassic Park theme than O Fortuna.) Excuse the heavy bass pinging the hell out of the limiter; it was EQed to be played on a flat EQ (technical reasons involving iOS) so I had to bump the bass and pull down the mids some to avoid it sounding hollow on-device.
By the way, if y’all want something a little less uppity, try this one on for size. I’m redoing the sountrack to an old Mac game called Marathon for a port to the iPhone as well, and this is one of the tracks that’ll be in it. It’s much more sedate. 🙂
To Parrot Phrase today’s ad: “Got water? Corney? Hi, c’mere! Are you okay? I’m sorry. Good Morning! What?”
Of course, that’s using the African gray model. Your results may vary.
1: God is everywhere.
2: Poster is everywhere.
3: Poster is God.
4: Jesus is God.
5: Jesus can walk on water.
6: Poster doesn’t need unwater cars.
7: WTF?!
Ive seen graduate logicians come up with worse logic. Put a stamp on it and I’ll issue you your philosophy degree.
*Some restrictions may apply. Even with a real one you can’t get a job.
I gots me a edumacation. I got my degree here. I got the ferret one in baraminology.
Finally, a school tailored to my unique individual needs! It’s so hard to find an institute of higher learning that will admit Feline-Americans.
Let alone a school with a decent Felinities curriculum.
8. Prophet!
Santa Claus is everywhere. He could be buying cars, since I think the reindeer are on strike this year.
Santa Clause is a stalker.
Dan, you gave me a physics geek-gasm.
Say Quantum Superposition again, please.
You may have to compete with the LlamaNun (BBUH) for his affections. (Just thought I would point that out for your safety.)
If we get into a fight, does that mean I have to put on the chipmunk costume?
To fight, or as “punishment” if you lose?
… both?
Tech support! Hey can one of you freakin nerds tell me how to post just an audio clip on my deal? Sorry. I know this isn’t the place, but it’s the best group of nerds I could hope to find. I just concocted a sweet caribbean ryhthym and it needs to be shared. I’m gonna get kicked out huh?
SoundCloud is probably your best bet. Great place for sharing if you don’t have your own hosting, and there’s a social aspect to it that lets others comment on your pieces, too. I’ve been thinking of signing up and posting a few of my own tunes to it, just for the hell of it.
I have a place to put it, but it will only do videos. I have a Mac. Shouldn’t this stuff be easy? I really appreciate you engaging the subject with me, BTW. But, can’t I like make a video of a picture or something and put it on my ‘deal’. I don’t want to say blog on another blog.
Sure, you could fire up iMovie, put a picture on it, add audio and render it to whatever format you need if you want to go that way. Depends on how you want to do it. SoundCloud lets you embed on your “deal” too.
thanks for clearing that up
really this time though.
Corey, please leave a donation for the snark lounge refurbishment fund.
I just wanna say that I have a SoundCloud.
I think Winky has just been outed…
I unwater my car everyday but I can’t be in those three places, so I guess I will not get any guaranteed cash even though I have the title* to my vehicle.**
*The title is “The Zen of Sparkyism”
**All of this may be untrue.
I promised myself I would never sell my unwatered car to Omnipresent Man.
Does ‘unwater’ mean it leaks like a urinating cat?
Quite the opposite: It means it’s in dire need of a diuretic.
It can only travel from one rest stop to another.
The coworker I was referring to is female, however, our male coworker also did not know what a harem is.
Man, talk about a dude who’s got his priorities wrong.
Hrmmm, must be wacky Wednesday, because I see not the reference to a referred coworker…
Nevermind, there it is, all out of order & stuff… color me confuzzled…
|
\/
I had to explain diuretics to a coworker. This was the same coworker who did not know what a harem is. I have been asked to use simpler words. 🙁
I’ve got three simple words for him/her: Dick, shun, airy.
I guess female. There are few males over the age of puberty that don’t know what a harem is.
I think his name is Dick, and he already shuns dictionaries.
Or perhaps he has airy diction.
Airy diction? Sounds about right if by that you mean a vocabulary with noticeable spaces in it.
Indeed, airy; thin; vapid. Like his/her head, except apparently lacking in the porosity required to absorb new information.
Oh no! You’re gonna make Capn’ get all languagey at us!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I work with a bunch of writers (most of them have novels/ non-fiction books they’re working on), and I don’t associate with Sales, so I doubt I’ll encounter that situation 😀
(I did have to introduce one of them to Autotune The News, though.)
Diuretics = piss pill
Harem = Many chicks, one guy…something you, my dear Sparky, will never encounter
Simple enough?
And, yes, I’ve actually been told to “dumb it down a little” for the masses before.
Of course, I did….and skewered the receivers in the process. Sigh….not many of them got it.
Privately, though, isn’t it satisfying when people don’t get the snark you’re leveling at them? It’s like a point that proves itself.
Freaky-puppy…yes, it’s hugely satisfying but, ultimately, a little lonely. Sigh….very few people ‘get’ me, IRL…
Please tell me that you told them that diuretics was “that Scientology book”.
Isn’t that the cult that thinks you’re full of alien peetans and you can only be made “clear” by drinking lots of water and having bladder massages or something?
[troubled consideration corey]
Are there enough people in the DC area with unwanted titled vehicles needing a buyer that a CL ad actually generates sales traffic?
[/corey]
I live in this area. I don’t know how many people have these cars, but there are about 20 or so of these ads posted everyday (at least for junk cars; this is the first I’ve seen for unwater cars).
I have it on good authority* that the Washington Monument is in fact just a tall stack of junk cars welded together and painted to look like stone.
*That crazy guy who lives under the overpass and talks to his feet.
His feet ran the ad.
It hurts Councilmember Barry’s feelings when you refer to him like that.
Then he should do a better job washing my windshield during red lights.
And we’re back to the drug issue.
Yay!
That means free hugs! Who wants some?
**spreads arms; waits**
😉
*runs up to Mr. Winkey*
*Hugs the living crap out of him*
Because you totally weren’t expecting that.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get debrided.
I’ll fetch the kerosene.
If I recall correctly, 7 Up was the “uncola,” according to its 1970s ad campaign. I do not, however, recall who the “unwater” was.
How about Propel? Or that vitamin water that may, or may not, contain vitamins?
That would be the unvitamin, I think.
I kind of suspect that unwater is … not anything I would drink. I.e., what you make when you yourself drink a lot of water.
Meatwater!!!
I think ketchup would be the unwater.
Technically, beef is unwater, too.
Mmm. Unwatery beef.
Freaky-puppy…what, no pork?
No thanks. I had pork yesterday. Wednesdays are all about beef.
Oh, that’s right–it’s younger men who want pork every day.
Oooo, there are cookies in the corner!
Pudding* is the new unwater.
*NOT ON FIRE!
*Open his mouth to say something*
*Pauses*
You know what, I’ll just go ahead and join everyone in the corner.
PUDDING NO-
Oh.
*Morosely kicks a rock*
Never mind.
For a second there I thought like you. It was frightening.
Here, have a lie down on this uncouch. It’ll make you feel better. Or make you unfeel. Or something like that. I’m unsure.
If you saw the Monkeys while you were me I hope you told the green one that he still owes me 20 bananas.
I tried to but he turned into Michael Nesmith and started screaming at me in bad Sixies slang.
He couldn’t help it, ghostie, his mama left all those opened bottles of Liquid Paper lying around the house.
Pecil.
Shhhhh, don’t tell…. I’m caffeinated!
Oh, we could tell. ♥
The funny part is, I’m only lightly caffeinated at this point… I estimate about 50 mg? (Caffeine-water-juice is still to cold to chug without my teeth turning into railroad spikes) I think caffeination must be a state of mind :-p
P.S. I’m trying to get into a snarky mood, because I’ve been asked to guest post for a couple hilarious ladies, and I have to write that stinking thing soonish! I’ve got the thing mostly written, I just need to make it funnier… :-p
P.P.S. And I have to finish a freaking-long, boring project for work -_-
EB, sounds like a fun project! Just throw in a bunch of stuff about pecils and female traits 3, maybe demonstrate the catulator, and you’ll be just fine!
javajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajava…
I think EB prefers
MonsterMonsterMonsterMonsterMonsterMonsterMonsterMonsterMonsterMonster
How about
BadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerMushroomMushroom
Watch that style sheet breaking, Astro, or someone’s gonna have to punish you.
SJGC did it first!But yours is much bigger!
That’s what nobody has said yet because that would be illegal!
I’ll be in the bunker if Child Services calls.
Caffeine high five!
*Holds his filled coffee mug up*
*splash* Owowow!
Fun Fact of the Day:
Did you know that, by weight, an average grown man is 43% unwater?
The more you know. *Annoying star rainbow thing*
Congrads Astro and IF making it to the box.
Aren’t there laws, in most states, against putting Jail-bait in boxes?
Depends on who owns the box. And how old she is.
Well said, Ostrimu, BBUY.
The lack of punctuation made me think that Sparky is moving very
fastquickly, but converting the speed to mph tells me that Sparky is in fact moving at a mind-numbingly slow speed. Which is still probably faster than Sparky can read.[OT] Dear funny people*,
Could I borrow your eyes for a little bit, to read the guest post/essay I’m writing? I’m looking for specific feedback, like “Uhm, this sentence looks like it was written by a gerbil. You should punctuate it.” and “Put something funny here!” I can also link to a couple of the other guest essays in the series I’m submitting to, so you can get an idea of what I’m aiming at. I’m hoping to have a draft ready to submit to the site by tomorrow afternoon/eveningish… If you’re interested and have some time, can you email me at themamma at eclecticmamma.com? Thanks 😀
*You’re all funny. I’m specifically hoping for MindField, TacoMagic, and Windy… MF and TM tend towards long-funny, and Windy manages the Box :-p Oh, and anyone else that wants to lend a few eyeballs 🙂
Dunno why, but when I read that, the phrase “Windy Tacos of the Mind” popped into my head.
Are you sure it wasn’t this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAGGTVft5Lk
I’m fairly certain, as until just now, I was unaware of that song’s existence.
*blush* Excuse me. Last time I will eat at that imaginary taco shop!
Sure, I’m game. Craps, by some people’s estimation, but I like to think of myself as more roulette: Fun to take for a spin as long as you don’t my playing with one … uh, actually, never mind.
So, yeah, I’ll shoot you an E-Mail shortly. 🙂
Sorry for the delay replying here, EB. Worked my third double shift in a row today. I doubt I’ll have any free time until Saturday given the pattern I see emerging.
However, if you still want my input, toss me a message on /FB and I’ll check it out on Saturday when I’m recuperating.
I can’t read anything for you, but I may have a few eyeballs in a drawer somewhere you can borrow.
I’m way late to the party here (stupid jobs) but I thought they were in ancient Alexandria, you know the place–the one that had a library.
Obviously, because there were so many Alexandrias*.
*This may not be sarcasm.**
**I speak truth.
There actually were several named Alexandria after Alexander the Great.
I think we missed the Fire Sale, however.
At a total loss here – pie are square, right?
Computer. Slow. Turning. In. Punchity Punch Punch, IF. Please, pass that on to Capt. Jailbait there, I don’t think I should. 8)
G’Night, Brucheion!
Sorry, Sparky, I keep my cars fully watered. That way they can grow to be big SUVs and have little cars of their own to raise, who will then grow big themselves and so on and so forth, thus completing the eternal circle of life.
And while watering your car for breeding purpose, you need to make sure to keep it secure. I forgot to lock the gate not long ago and a motorcycle got in. Three weeks later and I’ve got a litter of Smart Cars to get rid of.
So it’s like 7-up, the uncola?
I tried to keep my vehicles unwatered, but there was the one that was in the flood, and the one with the leaky back window, and the one with the fried electrical system because I spilled soda on it.
Dave, I think you and the ferrets take turns making snarky comments here. That gives you an unfair advantage over the rest of us. You can rest and relax while Simon or Theodore cover for you. Way to go! Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Unwatered Masses!