YSaC, Vol. 943: Orlin… Orlin… Orlin no het rivr!
RIVR GEAR IN STYLE – m4m
OK SO HERE IS THE DEA, i WANT TO FLOAT THE RIVER RIGHT THIS YEAR. AS IN HAVING TUNES. sO FAR i HAVE A SEALED 12V 4AH BATTLERY TO CONTRIBUTE. i HAVE COOL ERS AND STUFF JUST KNOT PEASKERS. WOR THTN WILLING TO SHARE THE PROJECT AND IDEAS. jUAST HIT ME UP. BEER LIQ AND 420 ALL COOL.—jASON
Wow.. I don’t even know where to begin.
* This person has managed to capitalize every single letter in this post, except for 6, all of which SHOULD have been capitalized.
* As far as I can tell this person wants someone to build him an audio system for his boat, and is of the impression that a reasonable division of labor is “I provide the battery and a cooler, and you build me the speakers.”
* Actually, he doesn’t specifically SAY he has a boat, just that he’s “floating the river.” As far as we know he could be in a bathtub, a comical 20’s vintage cartoon barrel, or even an inflatable duck. Which would be sort of awesome.
* Also, why is this in m4m? On second thought, don’t answer that.
Thanks for the link, Ross!
Knot Peaskers = some kind of wild bird. Peasker-peasker-peasker is the distinctive call, I believe.
I believe it’s related to the woodpecker, but makes holes in the ground rather than trees — much to the chagrin of area gophers and moles.
Oh, so a Flicker, then? (a woodpecker that feeds on the ground)
http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/northern_flicker/id
Peaskers is the thing I need.
Rivr’ floatin’ is the life for me.
Sound spreadin’ out so far and wide
Keep your Manhattan’s, just give me that PBR.
iTunes is what I’d rather play.
I’m allergic to spelling, hey.
I just adore the penthouse review.
m4m, I love you but give me 420 too.
…The oars.
…The cooler.
…Fresh batterys.
…Time to spare
You share my Liq.
Good bye, quiet life.
Peaskers we can hear!
Awesome. Completely awesome.
The peasker has such beautiful plumage that it has to nest on yellow inflatable rafts so it won’t be seen. The chicks, on hatching, sound like a bad stereo system when calling to be fed. The male chicks are regularly pushed out of the nest for their horrible spelling.
Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue Peasker, isn’t it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
They make matresses with their feathers, right?
There was a story about them if I recall correctly…The Princess and the Peasker?
KNOT PEASKERS
Hey! That’s the name of my rappelling group!
We’ve been on rope on Pikes Peasker and our favorite show is Twin Peasker. Our favorite knot is the one where the squirrel runs around the tree and then jumps into the hole.
Knot Peaskers is the name of IF’s The Vines/Roxette mash-up tribute side project.
Rivr Gear was the lone idjit in the DEA’s cadre of agents in one Texas outpost. Told that floating down a river, in a raft, would garner him all manner of nefarious characters and their shennanigans, Rivr was eager for the assignment.
He was completely oblivious to the guffaws of laughter at the office when the plan had been introduced among the rest of the staff.
His only request? A sweet Bose system installed on the inflatable raft so he could patrol in high style. The DEA, strapped for cash, wasn’t having any of it.
No problem for Rivr, he just hopped on CL and placed an ad using his code name jASON. He even added that “420” was no problem in hopes of getting a jumpstart on Operation: Whitewater.
All went as planned, and the raft carrying Rivr and his companion – Heffalumpulus (or Butch as his friends called him) started down the Rio Grande with the tunes a-blarin’.
Later that day, the shredded remains of their raft beside them on the beach, a soaked to the skin Butch and Rivr contemplated the events of just a few moments earlier.
“Well, that was interesting.” Butch said, making the greatest understatement of all time. “I’ve heard of people being held at gunpoint for their trucks, of being robbed of all their money and credit cards, but this is the first time I’ve ever run across a bunch of drug lords so hell-bent on a bunch of CDs.”
“Yeah,” replied Rivr, “poor planning on my part, I guess. I just never figured the tough guys in a cartel would be such big ABBA fans.”
Goon River, jASON’s such a clown.
He’s crossing you with sound some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
whatever you’re smoking, he’s going your way.
One Sparky off to see the world,
There’s such a lot of world to see.
He’s after some free labor’s end–
waiting ’round the bend,
my so deluded friend,
Goon River and me.
Left a good job in the city
Workin’ every night for the DEA
An’ I never lost one minute o’ peeslin’
Worryin’ ’bout the way things mighta been
CDs keep on turnin’
420 keep on burnin’
Floatin’, floatin’, floatin’ on the river
Drank a lotta beers in Memphis
Sucked a lotta coolers down in New Orleans
Now all I got’s a sealed 12V battery
The rest is smoke and some cool pipe dreams
CDs keep on turnin’
420 keep on burnin’
Floatin’, floatin’, floatin’ on the river
If you come down to the river
Bring some knot peaskers and a ball o’ twine
I got the ideas and a rubber dinghy
We’ll travel down the river singin’ Patsy Cline
CDs keep on turnin’
420 keep on burnin’
Floatin’, floatin’, floatin’ on the river
CDs keep on turnin’
420 keep on burnin’
Floatin’, floatin’, floatin’ on the river
Look, give the guy a break – it’s not easy to post a coherent ad when the DEA have just boarded your pedalo. But if it’s really intended to get him a boyfriend, I’m afraid he might just as well tie a knot in his peasker…
This was in the personal ads?
I’ve heard of people using odd or obscure euphemisms for various fetishes, but there is such a thing as taking a metaphor too far.
It was the bit about attaching the 12V battery to someone’s knot peaskers, wasn’t it?
Probably, freaky-puppy, next time try to be more subtle will you?
Don’t you mean “battlery”?
That spelling changes everything.
To Battelry, Men! Don’t fry until you see the widths of their ayes!
I see them chargin’! Mikepen up front, calvary ahind, and arlittery takin’ up flankanin’ positions! Ready the yobbonets!
Remebner men. They’res a bullet with youprobablyit writted on it.
That’d be one big bullet.
The writing’s done by one of those people you see at music festivals writing names on grains of rice.
rtaasxciouum,. ghacvwe ytio bwerwern rt6tyopuiobnfgy qw3uirtgh m,ygs asfgauibn?
(If you can translate that, you get all the doors.)
Sorry, I don’t speak Mug.
Maybe you need a mug shot.
Would Mister mMagic like to try translating?
*Rocks in the corner*
He wanted me to translate so I started cyphering, but the cyphers began to speak to me. They told me to burn things, but no matches, NO MATCHES! All these flammable things and no matches, no lighter. Can’t burn them I said, they didn’t believe me. Told me that if I didn’t burn things they would eat the crazy parts of my brain. I didn’t need those parts I said, but they didn’t listen! They teamed up with my chop sticks and started folk dancing. I hate folk dancing, it causes the crazy to escape! But it did! And it folk danced too, so much dancing, always dancing! Laughing, folk dancing, eating pudding! No fire, never fire, PUDDING NOT ON FIRE!*
*Drools quietly to himself*
*I think I’m going to scream “PUDDING NOT ON FIRE!” randomly as I walk down the street and see how long it takes me to attract law enforcement.
I’ll give you a hint: most of the letters are there, in order.
I think you broke Taco.
Naw, he didn’t even ‘splode or nuthin’.
After much studying I have decoded it:
Taco, have you been toping with my afghan?
The answer is no, I have not.
So close.
It was “Taco, have you been typing with mugs again?”
I did say most.
People are always ignoring the afghan, sheesh.
But just when you feel safe: BOOM! Afghans will swarm all over you. You’ve been warned laddie.
The m4m refers to the fact that jASON feels that only a dude could possibly hook him up with a sweet sound system for his dinghy.
I’m sure he would have asked for Keith Stone directly but probably had more than a little problem with the spelling: Kept coming out as Kiteh Sonet–the name of his favorite stripper.
Kiteh Sonet: A madrigal composed by the Cheezburger crowd.
No.
Kiteh Sonet:
Shal i cumpear teeh 2 a summerz day 4 teh lulz?
touh rt moar <3ly + moar temprit
Also, I’ve save you the trouble.
Is that like a cumpet?
It’s a well know fact that men that prefer men are the most adept at water resistant sound system construction. Don’t you ever read Popular Science?
So, gays know their way around caulk?
OT – everyone…I had the strangest dream, and I posted it in the forum…go have a look-see.
This post starts off promising, seeming to be a 24-esk setup to take out the DEA… then it just gets disappointing around the time we all have to stop and make some macramé peakers before the big wor on the DEA.
ARRRGGGHHH! I spelled peaskers wrong!
You seem so surprised by this…
Knitting while looking in your neighbor’s window?
I think battlery is something like cutlery. You cut with cutlery; therefore you must bat with battlery. (Though given the aquatic theme, perhaps battlery is more like cuttlefish than cutlery.)
Now I’m imagining not baseball but cricket bats – used as paddles?
I think that would be paddlery.
But you’re onto something, Lola. A little paddlery with a cricket bat might be just the incentive that Sparky needs to stop being such a Sparky.
i really like the word PEASKERS…. peaskers …. peaskers… peaskers! 🙂
Excellent, Andrea! You just passed the first test and are well on your way to be a rookie snarker. Congratulations. Here’s the official YSaC hat, covered in bees, and the Collected Works of Taco, Hammy, Mindee, Yancy, and many more, too many to list.
She even had a small typo.
*Sniff*
I promised myself I wouldn’t cri.
Just don’t confuse the Tacos… We confuse easily 😉
When I lost my snarkginity I didn’t get a hat…
**sadface**
Uhm. I have some extra bees. Would that make it a little better? *encouraging smile*
It… it wouldn’t be the same.
Lice? 😀
Heeeeeere Peasker, Peasker, Peasker.
C’mon widdle Peasker.
Awww, nice cuddwy widdle Peask-
OW
Sumbitch, that’s the last pORKYPIN I keeps’a’pet.
Putting your peasker anywhere near a porcupine is a baaaad idea!
I thought that a pecil next to a porcupine was a bad idea….
The pecil in mightier than the quill.
That might be so, but you’re still gonna need some tweezers and an icepack afterwards.
Hammy’s sentence no verb.
That might be a typo.
Pecil in a verb.
Volo pecilire te.
I prefer Mercedes.
I pecil
You pecil
He/She peciles
It pecilates
We pecilitate
They pecilinatate
You forgot…
In Pecilvania.
In Latin:
Pecilire – To Pecil
Pecilo – I Pecil
Pecilis – You Pecil
Pecilit – He/She/It Pecils
Pecilimus – We Pecil
Pecilitis – Y’all Pecil
Pecilunt – They Pecil
Texansitus, are ye?
The inner latin-speaking redneck in me just squee’ed a little 😀
Pecilitis is a hard on to get over without some pecilcillin.
There once was a cat with no wiskers
Who envied all of his sisters’
I’ve run out of ryhme,
And just killing time,
Just so I can end this with peaskers.
*Bow*
This only works if I say it like Peter Lorre.
That’s what I was going for, yes.
Belly rub?
jASON and the aQUANUTS
jASON assembled a great group of m4m’s known as the aQUAKNOTS, named for their raft the Knot4Sale.
They went in search of the golden Peasker, which was said to have the power to make men royally drunk.
Along the way they had many adventures, but no one could remember them after they sobered up. So they made up a bunch of crap about Sirens, Harpies and Gods to explain the lipstick stains on their shirt collars to their wives.
tHE eND!
Was this story on Adult Swim?
😉
Sounds more like jASON from Crystal Lake. Damn, that hockey mask!! Gets in the way of seeing my keyboard all the time!
I read that as ‘joust’ the first time and my thought was “There is no way you’re going to be floating that river in full plate body armor… think again, buddy.” And thus a very amusing mental image emerged of this guy dressed in a suit of armor, floating down the river on an inflatable horsie inner-tube, talking all Don Quixote and the likes, stabbing random other floaters with an inflatable squeaking lance. If anyone wants to, oh, draw this, that would be awesome 😀
I’ll have what SisterTaco is smokin’…..!
Are you not one of those drawbies yourself?
:: pokes at and then hands TacoMm some Beech Knot::
I’m a gumby and a pokey!
I am, Taco… but I am at work >.> It would have to wait until lunch.
Uploaded with ImageShack.us
>.> Char. And yes.. those are floaties on his arms and flippers poking out in front.
Yarg, I don’t think that worked. So… here! http://img405.imageshack.us/i/quixote059.jpg/
I’m gonna have to go stock up on some more doors. You people are eatin’ me out of house an’ home.
Niiiiiiice!
Oh, good.. the image is working ok with the link then? I really need someone (HINTS STRONGLY) to teach me how to make a picture appear in my post. Every single attempt I have made using code has failed miserably.
Talk sweet to IF, he’s the only one I know of who has been able to embed a photo directly and not just a link.
That’s because IF is magic/Morgan Freeman/a WordPress Admin.
Is Sparky floating down the river holding a coffee cup in his hand? Or is that a mug for typing?
I think that’s him holding the reins of the horse… but his hand… IT’S ON BACKWARDS! Poor guy.
Oh Holy Hell, I forgot to draw the finger lines to indicate the hand is not on backwards. Barlgelyblargblarb. >.<
He does really look like “COFFEE HAND, THE PROTECTOR!” With his caffeinated lance of power, he brings foes to their knees with stabbity might! And, with his bold coffee cup hand, he always serves justice hot! with cream and two sugar. He pours freedom over America, burning it into the sensitive bits of the nation! Causing great blisters of equality to burst against the enemies of democracy!
YES! COFFEE HAND TO SAVE MANKIND!*
His battlecry brings peace to the world! Mounted on his mighty, inflatable steed he cries, “PUDDING NOT ON FIRE!” and takes to the river! Godspeed Coffee Hand, Godspeed.
*I’ll be busy writing a comic based on this for the next few days.**
**Probably not true.
Not to pop your inflatable horsie bubble, but here: http://img812.imageshack.us/i/handig.jpg/ Fixed.
Looks more like Donkey Floaty to me…
I’m totally going to borrow Windrose’s brass knuckles and punch the crap out of all of you, and not in the good way! … and Walmart was out of Horsie Floaties so he had to get the next best thing 😛
It’s okay, Sister Taco. Well still pecil you.
Well, we would, but I think that might be illegal.
Sis.. nobody would be surprised. How often is everyone told that they are full of crap?
*raises hand*
I don’t feel like myself if I’m not told that at least 3 times a day.
Lol, and that’s why I pecil you guys, too. It’s not fun unless you’re brimming with crap.
That’s really cute 🙂
(the drawing, that is)
Peciling people who are brimming with crap isn’t cute too?
On second thought, you’re right, it’s not.
Also, I’d like to express my disdain for this smiley:
🙂
That’s the smile of a rapist right there. I dub thee Chester the Molester.
This sounds like a job for Michael Flatley.
Lord of the Pants!
Now I’m picturing HIM in an inflatable horsie innertube. I need to get out more.
Or go buy Mr. Sister an inflatable horsie innertube 😉
I just drew, by far, the worst attempt at ever drawing Flatley in his pose as Don Quixote stabbing a windmill with a squeaky, inflatable lance.
I’m way out of practice; I can no longer freehand draw using a pen.
TM, that is a horrible picture. Use a black broad tipped marker next time.
With the 420 reference—more like Lord of the Plants!
Lord of the-Oooo look a double rainbow…
*Skittle*
er, um…I meant *snicker*
[shameless plug]Pants have Flies, ergo LotF.[/shameless plug]
I shall have to watch this when I have sound as I got as far as kid with glasses approaches blond kid and thought “What the hell is Harry Potter doing on the island? And where are the polar bears?”
**is bespectacled child/Piggy**
I don’t really use glasses though, they’re just a prop.
Oh, and fair warning, it’s a comedy.
You’re Harry Potter? Holy rusted metal, Batman!
What? (I believe that would be my part in that okayish quote from that godawful movie?)
Code?
i s i i j j = “i is jij”
Perhaps “jij” is some super secret m4m activity.
OT:
I am now on SoundCloud.
Although I find Mr. Winkey scary, I quite like Solo di Hobo.
Squee.
😉
Well, some good news from L.A.. I will be back in my house in about three weeks. The Harpy ran into some money problems, (Ooh! Big surprise there.) and offered up her share of the house to me. Paperwork is filed, and my 401k is going to be waiting for me in a dark alley, but now I can unload it on some sucker and be done with it. I was hoping Velcro’s caretaker would be available to share it with me for awhile, but her timeframe was two years from now, and I found out last week why. It seems she isn’t done conning some sap back home. I was due to be the next rube on the hit parade. Facebook is a wonderful tool, sometimes. Especially if the would be con artist leaves up her “engaged” status for all the world to tell me about.
So… you’ve dodged the bullet, the bogeyman and the bitch?
Close enough to declare a home run? 😉
If you’re happy, I’m happy for you.
If you’re sad, I’ll load up the van with the sharp pointy objects and hit list.
I call shotgun! You can take that however you’d like…
:gets Mr. Crowbar and pitcher of margaritas:
I’m prepared for either eventuality.
I’ll get the Hydrochloric Acid Cocktails.
They’re tasty and formfitting.
😉
Smedley, uh …
*passes flask*
Sounds like my kinda girl, I already know her number too!
666-666-6666
Smedley, is that L.A. like in Los Angeles? Cause we are practically neighbors! And I will be going up to Corona soon for bird supplies. I could load up a posse and make a side trip. 8)
Sadly, L.A. refers to Lower Alabama. I do appreciate the sentiments, violent and otherwise. Rest assured, she has some ‘splainin to do with idiot #1, because I let him know what transpired on the booty call. I am sad, but this too shall pass. I just miss the texting and the FB IMing every day. Is there a word for the feeling that I wish that she actually had those feelings for me, and I wasn’t a *doorknob? I’m sure there’s a country song about it, somewhere.
*Everyone gets a turn.
If you have Caps Lock on and still use the shift key you will get lower case letters. So Sparky had Caps Lock on, knew he had to capitalize things, and somehow didn’t look at the screen for the entire time typing, then additionally for the entire posting confirmation.
That was drmk’s take too – it still Sucks at Craigslist. ™
@dan: You commented on it, not clear if it was a question or just a statement. I searched the comments for the word ‘Caps’ and the word ‘Lock’ and didn’t see the answer. Perhaps I’m just bad at telling if a question is rhetorical. Yes indeed, it’s Sucks at Craigslist.
@Windrose: It does seem that picking on a new commenter is not much of a way to encourage repeat commenting. Maybe everyone wants it that way. I assumed the comment represented legitimate curiousity. Some machines (notably I believe the newest Macs) do not behave in that way so dan could have been genuinely unaware. Sorry, I won’t comment again unless I have something snarky to add.
It also seems that a site dedicated to humor might expect those who do comment to be able to appreciate being ribbed a bit. You might notice that we tease each other with fair frequency in our snark frenzy, not just you or the ad in question.
Go back and look at how often I’m ragged on for my poor proof reading skills and maybe you’ll feel better that you were hinted at being a bit of a captain obvious in this situation. Being able to take a joke is far more important than being able to tell one.
Cheers,
Taoc.
Wow, really, Keith? All this snarking all day long, and no one saw that but you? I am so glad you stopped by! 8)
I think Corey is going to have a run for his money!
Well, nuevo Corey, didn’t have a chance to explain the box thing to you. Your comment from yesterday was chosen, in a very secret, very arcane, and totally sincere way, as the best of the best, and has resided in the comment box up toward the top of the screen. After a day of basking in the glory that is YSaC, now comes the time to get your card punched and be added to the records for all time. Just hold the card up in front of you, so I can punch it. 8) Ready?
Punchity Punch Punch! Uhm. Medic?
g’nIGHT, mISSISSIPPI!
I just want to thank God…For giving me the talent. I’d like to thank the snarkers at ‘you suck’ couldn’t have done it without you. All the support from my babie’s mommas, SJ and WindyFlower-you know who you are. The check’s coming girl…It’s a long season, so I just wanna help the team every day and give a hundred percent. My teacher in hooker acquisition/prurient bartering, for showing me that hustlaz don’t sleep in class, and to frown upon any that do. Just an overwhelming feeling, man. I’m going to Fairy tale town.
Ya, my bad. I guess I got put on the fridge, so I had to ham it up a little bit. Sorry for outing you girls as my baby momma, but hey, I couldn’t have done it without you. Sorry to be the new guy and just steal the fridge and the girls, but when you got it…
I like this guy. Stick around willya?