YSaC, Vol. 928: Thank goodness Tom Paxton was right!
I need a great Lawyer
I was treated horribly by my landlady/employer and suffered beyound imagination.
She is violent, evil , and deceitful.
I need a compitent and aggressive attorney that will not fear her and will make her pay for her her evil and wicked treatment of me .
Wow – suffered beyond imagination, huh? This sounds pretty melodramatic. You need a larger-than-life attorney to take on this case.
How about this guy?
Please reach out to me !
She is a danger to the community and she must be stopped .
No, this is definitely more serious than that. Perhaps him?
Alone I am helpless, I need someone of strong moral character and someone also to take my case on pro-bono.
Pro bono, huh? OK, now your options are getting limited. I think this guy works pro-bono sometimes.
Your rewards will be self evident as soon as you listen to my story.
I fear that she may have me shot because of what she has done and all she has to risk financially. money is all that woman cares about So please keep this extremely confidential .
Sincerely
Urgentley In Need Of Assistance
Worried she’s going to have you shot, eh? OK, that’s it, you’re crazy… all you can have is this dude:
Thanks for the post, E!
Lionel Hutz is usually available.
Crazy clients require a crazy lawyer (or at least one with Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy): Denny Crane.
Oh darn, all I have is an amateur-bono…
Amateur-bono – Worst. U2. Tribute. Band. Ever.
This is code for: Assuming you appear sympathetic, I will give you sex if you take my case.
That’s not pro bono, it’s no bueno. And kind of contradictory to the “strong moral character” part of the ad. And probably against bar ethical guidelines as well (our JD commenters can corey this for us if they like).
The best part, however?
Yes, because CL postings are so secret.
I thought that was pro boner.
You can’t post ads for that on CraigsList anymore.
I’m impressed Sparky knows self evid-
What? He just copied off of Tommy Jefferson’s paper? Tsk, tsk.
Damnit, where’s Bridgete when you need her?
For this case, Monkeypants would be better.
Sparky could not afford my retainer. I insist on being paid my weight in vintage Crisco, plus an additional twenty eight pounds of jalepeno-cheddar jelly beans.
I think that the “landlady/employer” that has made Sparky “suffer beyound imagination” is in fact his mother. She is making him clean out the basement he lives in so that it no longer smells like something died down there and is witholding his allowance until he does so.
In this scenario, the threat to shoot him is probably an empty threat wherein she told him to get rid of his BB gun or she’d use it on him.
My parents have often threatened me with bodily harm to make me do something, but I never felt the need to hire council. Sparky must be a bit of a drama queen.
[legal jargon corey]Counsel is a lawyer, the Council are the people who send you nasty notices about the ‘health hazards’ in your front garden. It’s modern art, philistines!!!!![/legal jargon corey]
I blame spell check.
Or aliens.
Whatever works.
SJ — I believe it. It probably went something like this …. “Sparky ….. Sparky ……. SPARKY are you listening to me? You get that room cleaned up NOW!! That means take care of the dirty dishes, smelly clothes, empty soda cans and get rid of whatever it is that’s living under your bed. I’m going to shoot you (or some other form of bodily harm) if it’s not done by the time your father gets home.”
Gee Artsy, that sounds a little too rehearsed… 8)
Sounds just like Mom used to threaten.
Hey, wait, this is clearly the follow up to the stoners who had to clean the kitchen or be evicted . . .
“Dude, she is totally gonna kill us!”
“Dude, you know what?” :long pause: “You know what? We should totally hire a lawyer!”
:even longer pause:
“What do we need a lawyer for? You get busted in the park again?”
“No man, she’s gonna kill us! That’s a crime, man! We can get her arrested!”
:exceptionally long pause, broken by fits of giggling:
“Dude, where’d you put the Cheetos?”
“… We have Cheetos?”
Yeah, I could see that.
Dammit.
Steve finished posting the ad on Craigslist, and turned around to the other figure in his room. The figure asked, “Did you finish?”
“Yes, I did. Now all we can do is wait.”
A thundering was heard from above, and the slamming of doors. The room soon took on a very heated characteristic. Steve shouted, “Quick, Bono! Hide! She’s coming! If she finds you she’ll kill you, and you can never do another humanitarian thing again!”
Bono rushed hurriedly into the broom closet as Sparky’s mother came down stairs. She said, “Steve, how many times have I told you to FLUSH THE GODDAMNED TOILET?”
Steve fumed inside, but externally got out a meek, “I dunno?”
Big Berta grabbed Sparky’s laptop and began walking upstairs. “Well, you can think about just how many times while I confiscate your computer! Oh, and dinner will be ready in a few minutes if you and your little friend want some.”
“Yes, mom.”
“Don’t you take that tone with me!”
Bono’s eyes widened as he heard a smack.
So Astro you’re as bad as my kids too.
I got you babe….
Cher, and Cher alike?
Need a lawyer, intimately familiar with all things..dunh..dunh..dunnnhhh…evil?
There’s none better than John Milton.
After all, who knows evil better than Lucifer himself?
I do think he works pro bono, too. He only requires a pittance should you win….your eternal soul!
I’m not well-versed in the ways of lawyers but I don’t think there many “compitent” and agressive legal professionals trolling through CraigsList looking for clients they can represent for free. Sparky should at least offer some vintage cereal or a few firm obos to sweeten the deal.
Senior Partner at major law firm:
“Poor and paranoid?! Has someone been reading my mail?!”
Hmmmm . . .
com, 1. a vietnamese green rice dish; 2. abbreviation for “command”; 3. suffix for command/executable computer files; 4. a form of low-level AI in FPSG; 5. Center of Mass; (latinate) County or Shire.
pit, 1. a sizable hole; 2. a concavity in a surface; 3. stone: the hard inner layer of the pericarp of some fruits; 4. the abode of Satan and the forces of evil; 5. an enclosure in which animals are made to fight; 6. the part of the floor of a commodity exchange where trading in a particular commodity is carried on; 7. an area at the side of a racetrack where the race cars are serviced and refueled; 8. a trap in the form of a concealed hole; 9. set into opposition or rivalry; 10, a surface excavation for extracting stone or slate; 11. scar; 12, lowered area in front of a stage where an orchestra accompanies the performers; 13, remove the pits from.
ent, 1. fictional race of humanoid trees from Tolkien’s Middle-earth; 2. medical abbreviation for an ear, nose and throat doctor, aka an otolarnygologist; 3. synonym to “tree-ish” by some total geeks.
Pericarpal quarry run by talking trees? I’ve heard of barrister being described as “eating their own young,” but this might just be a specialty item–$20 extra, same as in town.
“I am treated horribly by my stepmother who makes me suffer beyond imagination. She is wicked and evil and will not let me go to the ball with my wicket stepsisters. I need a strong handsome prince who will sweep me off my feet. Call XXX-XXX-XXXX, ask for Cinderella.”
Wicket stepsisters? That’s just not cricket! Poor Cinders. 🙁
Well, I have to imagine that being wicked would make a person irritable–stuffing a paraffin-soaked string through a body not likely to make that body a pleasant one . . .
Yes I know, I suck at typing. But I take solace in knowing I am at least better than the original CL poster. 🙂
Do not worry, your essence was merely being added to the collective.
Resistance is futile; you will be assimilated.
Or asimianated.
Hopefully not inseminated, assuming Todd is a guy and not necessarily into that.
“I’ll take the case!”. I’d take Birdman just as long as we didn’t have to try the case in front of Mentok the Mindtaker.
I think I’d rather let Shark take the case. He’s probably just as mean as this guy’s mother.
On a side note, I’m having ‘horribly computer illiterate’ issues again and couldn’t not get the picture of Shark I had to show up on this damn forum thingy. My code is not working and I swear I’ve triple checked it. I think it’s my natural EMP (Taco can vouch for this phenomenon.)
Dude! I’m so glad I’m not the only one! I’ve been joking for years that I have a freaky EM field… I’ve been through several work computers because the IT guys can’t figure out what’s wrong, and T-Mobile has replaced my phone several times for the same reason!
I kill watches.
Cheap watches, expensive watches, if they run on batteries I kill them.
I’ve definitely got some weird electrical vibe-thingy going on.
EB & CJ: Same here with the PCs (though not my Mac) and watches. Reportedly one of my grandmothers was a watch-killer as well. Cannot explain. At my last job, they kept having to replace my PC because it would malfunction for no reason they could explain, and I was pretty sure it wasn’t viruses – my coworker and I did only work-related searching and it kept killing mine and not hers. I also have one at home for my current job that had to be replaced and on which I did strictly work-related work and searching. It was weird.
Hmm, I haven’t killed any watches, beyond the whole I-lost-them-for-several-months-and-when-I-found-them-later-they-were-dead. But I went through 4 MP3 players in one semester, that all had to be replaced by the nice people at the Geek Squad desk… I’ve had my work Mac replaced twice and reformatted many times… My G1 was replaced several times two summers ago… My new/used Macbook has green speckly things that nobody’s ever seen before… Technology is weird :-p
I don’t know what I do to them, but one watch I took apart and it appeared the workings were melted. Creepy…but creepier was the next watch looked the same.
I’m also a static carrier…holy crap…I will shock the sh*t out of anyone that gets near me when the weather is cold and dry. And I mean you can see the blue arc from me to whomever/whatever I touch. It’s over-the-top.
My poor granddaughter was staying with us this winter one night and I kept shocking her. Finally, she’d had enough and any time I reached for her she’d scream, cry, and run away all the while yelling “Don’t hit me again!”
I felt awful, but worse I knew I’d better ‘splain the situation to her mama (my daughter) toot-sweet..or else. LOL
Yep, static queen here as well. I once walked over to the cat and held my finger out to his nose and wasn’t even touching him when the spark jumped, he yelped, and ran away! Poor guy. That only happened twice, fortunately.
I’ve never looked at my watchworks but might ask the jeweler the next time that happens.
Is there an actual scientific explanation or description of this, or is it only anecdotal? I hear enough about it from others that I don’t think I’m imagining it just for myself, but I have not heard anything like an objective or factual description/explanation. Just wondering.
I can’t wear watches either. I think I have a magnet field that causes them to go screwy. Either that or I’m one of the children of the corn.
I don’t know, Lola, but I’m betting there’s some explanation for it.
Or, we’re all children of the corn.
Hmmm. I like corn. You might be on to something. 8)
Mama Eyebrows was very electro-statical emitting as well. On one hospital visit, she kept shocking all the nurses and doctors when they would touch her. It stopped when they grounded her bed. She killed watches, too. Fortunately, while I have inherited a number of wonderful traits from her (including her beautiful silver hair), the electrical gene passed by me. I have to rely on my charisma and charm. 🙂
I never thought to connect my ability to kill electronics with my ability to be a walking static factory, but it makes sense. Now I need to know what we all have in common that causes this. I thought it was a female thing, but Archie’s comment about Mr. Eyebrows debunks that. Did any of you ever try the kinetic watches that were popular in the nineties? I’m curious to know if they would work right. I always carries a pocket watch in my purse until cell phones became a permanent fixture in my life.
One of the girls I work with killed watches regularly. She finally got a G-Shock and it stopped.
One of her sisters does the same thing.
Oops, read Archie’s comment without connecting the eyes to the brain. I guess it could be a female phenomenon.
Never tried a kinetic watch. I used to carry a pocket watch, too…until cell phones.
I also once worked in a computer manufacturing plant…and hoo boy, was I ever nervous! Many computer components are fried by static charges. Imagine my delight when a tiny ground strap, attached to my shoe, stopped it all….I even wore it home sometimes just to get a break from the shocks…cuz after a while the fingers get sore from that kind of thing!
I know I’m late to this conversation, but I am constantly shocking myself and other people during the winter. My car and the couch/carpet in my apartment are particularly bad for generating charge.
Maybe it is a female thing. Anyone noticed any monthly variation?
Coming Summer 2011… the domicilogical thriller that everyone will be talking about…
I Know What You Did Last Leasing Cycle
Starring Anna Faris, this guy who went to acting school with Ryan Reynolds, and the desiccated corpse of Steve Guttenberg.
IF, is ‘domicilogical thriller’ your MJ cover group made up of the formerly-housebound/recovering agoraphobics? ‘Cause I’ll come see that.
With Sigourney Weaver in the lead??
Read my mind. But it’s our off-season – we only play outdoor ampitheatres and state fairs.
I hope it’s in claymation….or has singing cockroaches like in Joe’s Apartment!
Alone I am helpless,
My poetic skills unhoned.
*hands Litarider a hone*
Here, this should help.
YSaC always solves my problems, without compitent legal boners.
“[L]egal bono” would that be a monkey with APE (Assn of Primate Enthusiasts) papers?
Or is it a non-bootleg of that Irish singing-fellow?
Reach out to me, win my case, and a huge financial settlement, and we can live happily ever after.
PS please don’t run a background check on me, I haven’t done heroin in months, I was only shoplifting because of that habit, and now I have found Clothespin Jeebuz Spicechrist. I’m a good Sparky, I am.
Where’s BonoboBritches when you need him?!
Can’t talk, suing the internet. I think I can win it this time.
What an ambulance chaser. I regret making you a junior partner.
An ambulatory chasseur?
Hmmmm . . .
Excuse me bartender, but I’ll have a double Bonobobritchestini on the rocks with an Ambulance chaser!
Scroll up on the Craigslist page, and you’ll find this posting:
Is this tenant Michael Keaton?
Betelgeuse³!
No. Pacific Heights.
But Betelgeuse Betelgeuse Betelgeuse would make me want to become an astronomer. 🙂
Also, if I had thought of it two hours ago, this is how the ad would have ended:
P.S. Just kidding about the hitman, but I’ll be waiting with my own lawyer, you idiot!
When I was the newbie at my firm, calls from people like this were forwarded to me. They always had strong cases and were happy to pay our retainer. The preceding sentence may not be true.
Could you hear their tinfoil headgear crinkling against the phone as they spoke?
On the home page at YSaC, I was getting a ad addressed to Attorneys, promising help so that clients could find them. Uh-huh. Once I came to the comment page, however, it changed to the everyday Micro Finance thingie.
Sparky remembered i before e except after c yet misspelled beyond. How can this be?
[aside]
I’m still coping with the image of a “larger than life” Thom Cruise that does not include platforms or photoshopped cardboard cut-outs . . .
[/aside]
Off-topic note to self: Just because you’ve eaten only chocolate and caffiene since last Sunday, and lost 2 pounds since then, does NOT mean that it’s healthy! (My goal is to actually eat two meals today…)
EB, be sure to include all four food groups: Pizza, Mexican, Lasagna, and Wine. (maybe I should look up that “healthy” word before giving advice)
Mmm, lasagna… I had lasagna for lunch yesterday, and I was even able to finish it! I’ve currently got half of a sandwich, half of a mint brown, and a key lime tart sitting on my desk… I decided I have to eat the sandwich before the key lime tart, but the depressed side asks “what’s the point??”
Sorry, guys, I really don’t have too many outlets, since I haven’t made this public on FB or my blog or anything… while I’m at work, you guys are my support group. I really need a hug, but my closer friends at work are all men, and that’s awkward…
Found this in Table of Organization and Equipment going spare:
Hug, repeatable quantity, for consolation or supportive use, remote application thereof.
Big hugs, sweetie. Hope you can hang in there until you are feeling a little better (at the risk of sounding like your mom, I’ll point out that even though you don’t want the sandwich, it will probably help you feel phyically if not mentally better; consider the mint and key lime rewards for eating it if that helps). I didn’t realize that you were back on the caffeine. 🙁
I’ve got about 1/3 of the sandwich left now…. And I manged to time today’s crying jag to a time when nobody was walking past the cubicle, lucky me! Yeah, I’m back on the caffeine… I know… It’s another one of those “what’s the point?” things right now. But, tomorrow I’ll be out, and I’m not going to buy any more. I also hid most of my leftover chocolates in the basement food storage area…. Out of sight out of mind? This sucks more than a Dyson.
The Point is, we love you. The end.
Thanks 🙂
In other news, I had a fiber bar and carnation instant breakfast for breakfast, a sandwich and those two treats for lunch, and tortellini in red sauce for dinner. Hooray for progress! Thanks for being mom-like, Lola, it helped me finish that sandwich 🙂
It’s a temporary “mental health” diet.
That’s exactly what it is. Thank goodness for clearanced boxes of chocolates!
Chocolate is good for you. It’s made from beans, which makes it one of your five-a-day. Also sugar is made from plants too, so that’s actually two helpings of vegetables.
( I was genuinely advised to eat dark chocolate last time I had a nasty bout of anaemia).
I dunno… “healthy” is a state of mind. Look at this guy’s little dietary experiment.
Yeah, that’s about what I’ve been doing :-p Less calories, but they’ve been mostly from chocolate, Pringles, ice cream, etc :-p
Hang in there. You have a very vocal cheering section.
Dark chocolate is full of antioxidents, just ignore that silly number next to “saturated fats.”
Seriously though, hugs and calm thoughts coming through the ‘tubes from me to you.
Dan, bravo on the commentary for this one. Loved it!
Harvey Birdman, attorney-at-law!
Is anyone else weirded out by the ‘landlady/employer’ thing? Assuming she’s not Sparky’s mum (which I recognise is a pretty big assumption), he might just have fallen for one of those ads I almost got used to seeing on here, whereby someone offers ‘free’ rent in exchange for certain, shall we say, personal services? Only problem with that, is that those chumps were *never* women… Maybe this is The Sparky Who Knew Too Little?
OT: Hey, wasn’t today some kind of holiday or something? Dedicating the Nixon Library or Discovering who is buried in Grant’s Tomb? Washington crossing the Red Coats? My history is kind of vague these days.
Presidents’ (all of them, apparently) Day/Lincoln’s-Washington’s birthdays.
Notice how they lump everybody in together; otherwise no one would give a government-holiday crap about guys like Millard Fillmore, Andrew Johnson, etc.; some of them are getting free rides. Hey, about the Nixon Library: when they opened it, they discovered that one of the shelves was missing 18 1/2 books.
BWAHAHAHA! Classic! 8)
“You want answers??…You can’t handle the truth!!”
Okay, back to normal tomorrow. *another word to look up!*
christina, punchity punch punch! keep it for the future.
G’Night, Happy Dale Homes for the Reality Challenged!