YSaC, Vol 927: Oh, what a tangled web our f***ing cousin’s neighbor weaves.
This one’s behind a cut, because there’s just a LITTLE bit of salty language.
Is your website fucked up?
I help folks de-fuck their websites. Some of the fucked up shit people ask/beg/pray for me to help them with includes:
# Dealing with their fucked up commerce shit that doesn’t work and never has, damn it
# Getting the fuck rid of that hideous fucking design your cousin’s neighbor did five fucking years ago
# Adding tools so you can manage all of the fucking content that has built up over the years
# Adding a fucking blog or a god-damn photo gallery or even a fucking christ-forsaken “contact us” form
# Moving sites to a new server that isn’t so fucking slow
# Getting people the fuck off of those bullshit Microsoft products
# Improving weak-as-shit search engine performance
# Fixing the gaping huge fucking security holes that let those fucking hacker fucks steal your shit
# Building complex data-driven websites that actually work worth a fucking damn
If it’s fucked, I can help you de-fuck it. 15 years experience with all kinds of commerce, content management and CRM systems and all types and manners of fucked up shit. I do Drupal, Ubercart, CiviCRM, php, perl, css, xhtml, apache, linux, Joomla, Word Press, Movable Type, Zen Cart…and that’s just the tip of the fucking iceberg. I even fucking live on Capitol Hill.
I’m not the cheapest guy out there, but chances are I can de-fuck your shit pretty quickly. And remember: The #1 leading cause of a fucked up website is that it was built by some fucking idiot who had no idea how to make anything fucking work. Remember that guy? He was cheap, and his shit didn’t work. So, fuck that fuck. Drop me a line and let’s start de-fucking your fucked up shit today! Or just pick up the fucking phone and call ### ### #### and we’ll talk shit.
Fuck yeah we will.
Peace, bitches.
PS: No, this is not a fucking joke. Yes, I am a real fucking person. Send a fucking email to ###@###### for fuck’s sake and tell me about your fucked up technology problems.
Well, I must say, for sheer professionalism, it’ll be tough to beat this fuckin’ guy. Based on his extensive fucking listing of the fucking problems people have with their fucking websites, he’s obviously some kind of fucking expert. I’m sure he’ll have a bunch of fucking brilliant ideas for improving your fucking website.
Especially if you happen to be Quentin Tarantino. Still, I can’t help but worry about what, for example, the Sesame Street website might look like after he got his hands on it:
“Hey there, all you little fucks. Are you ready to fucking count to three?”
Got to admit it, he’s pretty f***ing articulate.
I think he’s going to HTMhelL.
That sounds like a nerdy humor blog about markup fails.
Nope, just a boring site.
So very, very red …
I am torn by this ad — the fact that it is organized, logical, makes references to actually useful skills and is articulate makes it almost not a disaster. The swearing like a drunken sailor on the other hand makes me wonder if he is just trying to fix specific types of websites, like badly designed porn sites
Easy on the drunken sailor talk now. It’s SPEND like a drunken sailor. Swear like a fishwife is where I think you were headed. Oh, BTW, booty call.
I always heard it as “Swear like a longshoreman”, but never really understood what a longshoreman was… Sailor on the beach?
[f’n’ corey]Longshoreman – dockworker/docker. Close (to sailor) but more on the dock/pier than the beach.[/f’n’ corey]
I can’t wait until Capn Mac gets here!
🙂
We always say “swear like Mom” since she has a very … colorful vocabulary. With the introduction of my nieces and nephew she has toned it down a bit, but they know not to use any of “Grandma’s driving words”.
¿Por que? Yo sé la diferencia entre estibadores y estibador.
“Along-the-shore man” or Docker in UK.
Stevedore is an alliteration of estibadores–“stuffer” in spanish (and close in portugeuse).
Labor designation/distinction in that, in days of old, stevedores were allowed onboard ships; longshoremen only the dockside. A division of labor which can make sense in some foreign ports.
Used to be an aspect of “tramp” steaming, too. Where a ship would have several cargoes; some simply generic, that were taken to various ports in turn. Such a ship might hire “supercargo” stevedores, who could be trusted aboard the ship. Often was a barter service, too–broke but needed to get to the next port (or the second or third), a person could ship out as supercargo. Often handy if one wished to travel without a great deal of paperwork, too (and could tolerate the pace of a “slow boat”).
I like it. It shows balls. I’d probably take a look at some of the s*** he’s f***ing done and I might hire his f***ing a**, if my website was f***ed. But it ain’t.
That said… this ad clearly isn’t for everybody.
Well, fuck a duck in Currituck, that sure as fuck fills me with fucking confidence. This fucker is a fucking genius at fucking Web design and adverfuckingtising. Where the fuck do I fucking sign?
It may require you to bend over… but I would be careful just in case. 🙂
It’s possible Sparky is a closet technophiliac.
Hey, whoa, keep this guy OUT of my state. He ain’t f 😀 😀 kin’ goin’ even f 😀 😀 kin’ near Currituck.
Yeah, we have enough like him, we don’t need any more…
At least I have the decency to hit mute so the customer doesn’t hear me…
Is anyone else hearing F. Lee Ermey as his Full Metal Jacket DS character reading this?
Observation for Sparks: Just because that’s likely the most commonly-shouted word when dealing with the frustrating circumstances you profess to fix doesn’t mean it needs to be reiterated throughout the ad … because if you fix my fucking shit, I hope to be calling it that a lot less.
“Quit crying you big baby!”
That’s my favorite bedtime story.
You COULD hear it in that voice.
Or you could try for some that are also funny because they are less obvious.
How about Kermit the Frog?
Louis Armstrong?
Betty White?
Elmo?
{snergle}
My mind! It is blown!
John Houseman.
Alan Rickman.
Alastair Cooke.
Mickey Mouse.
Numa Numa guy. In the Numa Numa voice.
Edit: I’m fairly sure that’s how you spell it, but I’m too lazy to go look it up.
Betty Boop.
Donald Duck.
Gilbert Godfried?
Christopher Walken?
Sarah Palin?
The Pope?
Snooki!
Cookie Monster
Fin Raziel in chinchilla form
Boomhauer
Dr. Nick Riviera
James Earl Jones
Mr. T.
Oh wait, that’s actually probably already happened.
Spongebob.
With Boomhauer, it would be a lot like the angry ranting homeless man I saw the other morning on the way to work: the only words you could actually understand would be the profanity.
Steeve Earkle?
Fred Rogers
Vincent Price
Kenneth Brannagh
Angela Lansbury
Morgan Freeman
Gollum
Only thing I’m ‘hearing’ is Andy Dick <squick>
Ok, now I’m getting Harvey Keitel.
Had to double-clutch on how this was not dialog from any of the last Sam L Jackson movies . . .
Whazzat?
Drill sergeant.
Unless F. Lee Ermey was a prominent figure on a popular Nintendo handheld that I’m not aware of.
Ah!! Therein lay my confusion.
[corey] The Army has Drill Sergeants, The Marine Corps has Drill Instructors.[/corey]
Coreification appreciated, thanks!
[corey]Marching Band also has Drill Instructors. A good one will incite the same love-hatred as I’m told a good one would in the Marines.[/corey]
Not.Even.Close
Unless he makes you cry in your sleep…
Let me clarify. I didn’t mean same magnitude, I meant same basic type.
“Perhaps one of the most interesting words
in the English language today, is the word FUCK.
Out of all of the English words which begin with the letter F, FUCK is the only word referred to as the “F” word. It’s the one magical word.
FUCK as most words in the English language,
is derived from German,
the word “frucken”, which means to strike.
In English, FUCK falls into many grammatical categories.
As a transitive verb, for instance.
John FUCKED Shirley.
As an intransitive verb, Shirley FUCKS.
It’s meaning’s not always sexual;
it can be used as an adjective, such as
John’s doing all the FUCKING work.
As part of an adverb,
Shirley talks too FUCKING much.
As an adverb enhancing an adjective,
Shirley is FUCKING beautiful.
As a noun, I don’t give a FUCK.
As part of a word abso-FUCKING-lutely,
or in-FUCKING-credible.
And, as almost every word in the sentence,
FUCK the FUCKING FUCKERS.
As you must realize,
there aren’t too many words
with the versatility of FUCK.
As in these examples describing situations
such as fraud:
I got FUCKED at the used car lot.
Dismay: Aw FUCK it.
Trouble: I guess I’m really FUCKED now.
Aggression: Don’t FUCK with me buddy.
Difficulty: I don’t understand this FUCKING question.
Inquiry: Who the FUCK was that?
Dissatisfaction: I don’t like what the FUCK is going on here.
Incompetence He’s a FUCK-off.
Dismissal: Why don’t you go outside and play hide-and-go-FUCK yourself?
I’m sure you can think of many more examples.
With all these multi-purpose applications,
how can anyone be offended when you use the word?
We say, use this unique, flexible word more often in your daily speech.
It will identify the quality of your character immediately.
Say it loudly, and proudly!
FUCK you! ”
-I believe this was George Carlin… I may be incorrect. Feel free to snarkily correct me 🙂
Sis, I think it was Walter Cronkite.
No, it was Mother Teresa.
“Quotes on the internet are rather difficult to deal with because you never know if they’re real.”
-F. Scott Fitzgerald
I always get those two confused. Thanks for the clarification, Sarajean!
Tech Support! Fuck yeah! Comin’ in to save your motherfuckin’ website!
Tech support! Fuck yeah! Cuz all of your designs are shite!
Net newbies, your game is through, now you’re gonna answer to…
Tech Support! Fuck yeah!
I am shocked and amazed that Sparky has not found gainful full-time employment in the IT industry and instead must resort to posting ads on CraigsList. He has such a pleasant demeanor and is so … articulate.
/sarcasm
Sparky, when you have to include a disclaimer in your ad stating that you are in fact a real person and not a joke, you may want to think about doing a little editing.
I wasn’t too sure I’d want this guy de-fuckifying my website, but the sign off of “peace bitches” made me feel I could trust him.
That is my vote for euphemism of the day. I also can’t wait to use de-fuckifying in a sentence.
A metric de-fuckified ton?
I would like to see a definition of it.
Anyone else notice that this guy hates Microsoft products?
“Hi, I’m a fucking Mac.”
That’s the feeling I got from this ad.
Well, that explains a lot.
Hipsters get violently angry when you question the superiority of their bandwagon.
“How angry are you, Tom?”
“Angry enough to rage post on Craigslist.”
“Woah!”
Mac: “Hi, I’m a fucking Mac.”
PC: “And, uh, I’m a PC. Say, Mac, why so angry?”
Mac: “Fuck you, PC.”
PC: “Look, there’s no need to get hostile. We’re both good platforms, we should be able to just get along.”
Mac: “You’re a fucking nerd, PC. You don’t deserve to share my oxygen.”
PC: “Hey, I have every right to be here just like you.”
Mac: “Like fuck you do. Look at you, I bet you haven’t even known the touch of a woman.”
PC: “I most certainly have. My mother used to kiss me goodnight when I was little.”
Mac: “Ooh, way to go, stud. I bet that impresses the ladies.”
PC: “As a matter of fact, women happen to like men who respect their mothers.”
Mac: “Oh, bullshit. Women respect men who pee standing up.”
PC: “Look, that’s unsanitary, have you seen the kind of germs found on toilet seats?”
Mac: “Probably still not as bad as the ones found on your mom.”
PC: “Your dad would disagree.”
Mac: “I swear to fucking God I will strangle you with my mock turtleneck.”
PC: “Oh, go ahead, tough guy, use violence, that solves everything, doesn’t it?”
Mac: “That’s it.” <lunges at PC>
PC: “MOM! MOOOOM! MAC IS BEATING ON ME AGAIN!”
I can’t imagine why the ad agency didn’t go in that direction. It would have been awesome!
I will strangle you with my mock turtleneck.
Pure. Awesome.
I wouldn’t want to get that close to PC. He looks like a biter.
For some reason that reminds me of a cheese commercial that is on the TV here. A person in a lab coat is checking the cheese to see if it has aged appropriately. If the cheese makes smart-ass, juvenile comments it has to go back to age some more. Send Sparky back!
I was going to make a comment about the fact that every sentence does not have to have the work “fuck” regardless of what many teenagers think, but I couldn’t find my Matt tags.
Artsy, that cheese commercial bothers me on many levels. First of all, the fact that the cheese is being cultivated by a guy in a lab coat does not entice me much. I prefer my cheese with more milk and less science. Secondly, the cheese is communicating with the lab coat guy despite having no discernable mouth which leads me to believe it’s telepathic which I do not find a desirable trait for cheese. Imagine the cutting room, “What are all the blades for sir?” Plus would the smaller pieces of cheese maintain some semblance of consciousness?
No, I don’t want any mutant science cheese, thanks. Well, maybe if it’s baked into a grilled cheese or a quesadilla…or a really good homemade macaroni and cheese.
Mutant Science Cheese
We now have our band name of the day.
We used to have a quintessential burger joint. Itty-bitty place. Plank-and-plywood seating. Sign on the condiment bar “This is NOT a Salad Bar.” Burgers available with all sorts of extras, mushrooms, bacon, etc.
They had a selection of cheeses to put on your burger.
They also called the orders back from the register, so the various combos were named. Cheddar cheese was a “smiley”; swiss cheese was just “swiss.” But, if you ordered Cheddar and swiss, that was a “mutant.”
If a person ordered a swiss and cheddar burger with mushrooms and bacon, the register would call out “Bacon-shroom mutant!”
I well remember the days, ever so long gone now ago, of spending $3.62 for my “bacon smiley” with fries and iced tea.
I miss the Cow-Hop.
I think the fact that he lives on Capitol Hill speaks volumes. We all know that place is fucked up. 😉
Sparky is going about this all wrong. He should not be advertising on CL. He sould be advertising on:
http://www.catholic.org
http://www.UnitedWay.org
http://www.merriam-webster.com
http://www.theladders.com
All of whom will welcome him with open fucking arms.
What’s really funny is the “Merriam-Webster on Twitter” and “on Facebook” links at the bottom. Yeah, got to keep up in the exciting, fast-paced world of thesauri and dictionaries.
He forgot to mention he’s also a gangsta rapper.
Sounds like somebody’s worked in IT for a hospital and finally snapped.
So this is a preview of what we can expect from you in a few years? Joy.
Might be a good idea to file down the firing pins on any firearms he has access to.
Or in local government. Our entire system shut down on Tuesday due to an accidental and unauthorised system update. IT were taken completely by surprise and are still clearing up the mess. The language was probably colourful (in my office, we just laughed. And then I went home, because I can literally do almost nothing without a computer).
“Fuckin’ Help Desk.”
*pause* “Uh. I forgot my password.”
“Fuck. Is that you, Davey? You do this every fuckin’ Monday. You get shitfaced on the fuckin’ weekend, and forget your fuckin’ password.”
“Yeah, it’s Davey. So can you reset my password?”
“I’ll fuckin’ reset it, Davey. It’s now FUCK YOU! Don’t change it, you should be able to fuckin’ remember that shit.”
“Thanks, mom.”
Peanut butter is tough to scrape off… thanks WR.
If someone answered the phone like that, I would assume the help they were offering had nothing to do with computers.
“Um, yeah… I’m having a little, um … well … you know … difficulty with my … you know … my … my pecil.”
“Have you tried waxing it?”
Or maybe you’re waxing it too often.
Try applying a good stripper and then buff lightly with a soft cloth.
Even with a good stripper, I’d suggest at least some disinfectant.
Or Saran Wrap…
Of course; you need to put on your protective gear before using any stripper.
So.. Rubber gloves..
And eye protection in case of any splashing or sudden spurts while shaking or during application.
Have I forgotten anything?
Laying down some newspapers or a drop-cloth to protect the surrounding area.
And insuring adequate ventilation so you don’t become overwhelmed by the fumes.
“Are you a good stripper or a bad stripper?
Pulp Technician:
[Note from the Censor: Due to violations of public decency laws, I have edited this to be less objectionable. You’re welcome.]
“What the funk is wrong with this funking website? The funking internet is funking funked up, Mother Funker!” Zed screamed at the technician as the hapless creature walked through the door, “You better get this funking website working, funker, or I’m gonna downsize your whole funking apartment. Downsize it right in the funking [Aztec]!”
“HEY! It isn’t my fault your funking website is funked up! I told you not to funk with it, and you had to go all funking HTML funking ninja and change it all to funking comic sans. You’re lucky I don’t funking [open a bottle of soda] in your [malt shoppe]! Now get out of my funking way!”
The IT creature flopped himself scrundully down into Zed’s chair and began typing away. Zed suspected that it really didn’t know what it was doing and, like a monkey, it was simply hitting random keys as a way to sooth its small curious intellect. It disgusted Zed, but his basement was already full of bodies, and fitting another one was just out of the question… and he’d had enough sodomy already this week.
“Why the funk don’t you close your conditional PHP statements, ash-hole? You’ve got fifty funking statements here that aren’t doing ship because you can’t be bothered to fucking close them. What the funk?!”
Zed was tired of the meaningless noise, so he pulled his [banana] on the tech, “Just do your funking job, mother funker! I don’t give a flying [monkey] what you need to do to make it funking work, so just funking do it! Or do you want me to go and [give lots of chocolates and candy to] your wife!”
“Funk! Get that funking [banana] out of my face! And leave my wife out of it! I got this ship man, just be cool.”
“Don’t tell me to be funking cool! My ship is all funked up, and you’re here jerking me around about some fucking conditional statement!” Zed had had enough. He squeezed the [banana].
Later that evening Zed sat with a glass of whiskey staring at his website. He felt much better now, but his website was still a mess. Even so, the inconvenience was worth it. After all, he’d sated himself by [going to the movies and then a nice, extravagant dinner followed by a deep, meaningful conversation with] the tech’s corpse.
” It disgusted Zed, but his basement was already full of bodies, and fitting another one was just out of the question… and he’d had enough sodomy already this week.”
*is in awe*
Thank you spell check, when I typed department, I, of course, meant apartment.
*Grumbles distractedly*
Umm…
::hides::
That was funking hilarious!
Another new euphemism learned… Of course, I’m surprised he had enough stamina left to
right afterward
Your [banana] must be something different than what I pictured it as.
Why are you picturing my [banana]?
I mean, if your that curious, I could take a picture for you, but it seems kinda odd…
It’s a really boring [banana]…
Correction: What I meant was; “What you are picturing as [banana] looking like when you read Taco’s story sounds very different than what I’m picturing [banana] looking like when I read it.” (I’m picturing a Ruger Mark II.)
I am not picturing your personal [banana].
Actually, I’m not really sure what I was picturing it as anymore, because I got way too analytical during the snarking. I at first pictured it as something similar to what you did, but then, you wouldn’t squeeze the [Ruger Mark II] to create a corpse from a live tech. Squeezing the ruger (another euphemism?) would only leave bruises on your palm.
So I thought about a semi-delicate container containing binary nerve gas, which Zed could have then “pulled” on the tech, put it in his face, and then created a corpse with by squeezing and combining the two parts. Of course, the fact that he was later “sitting with a glass of whiskey, staring at his website” leads one to believe that once he squoze, he dropped the shards leftover from the container, pulled out and self applied the atropine injector he had in his pocket, and then vented/aerated the nerve gas filled room, cleaned up the mess, and then still had the stamina to “sate himself by [going to the movies and then a nice, extravagant dinner followed by a deep, meaningful conversation with] the tech’s corpse.”
So you see what I mean about over analyzing?
Hey Cap’n pull up a stool… We can chat over a bourbon or two…
Mmm, atropine.
*reverie*
What?
Me? Heard metallic clanking and donned full Saratoga and deployed the detection kit. Which showed positive for a bit of red plonk; hickory smoke; and marinated churchbird.
Set about disposing of those items (for the greater public good, naturally) until I could safely give the All Clear.
So, unless the detectors go off again, there’s no local NBC event.
If some nice people come to your door from USMS, that will be a local issue–I’m watching Green Wing on Hulu.
Dear Sparky,
I had recently come across your bold, prosaic missive on this Craigslist site by way of a colleague of mine who appears to have passed it along as an attempt to elicit an expression of mirth from me. Instead however, I found myself intrigued by the means with which you couched the offering of your esteemed services. You see, it just so happens that I have found myself in a remarkably similar predicament such as you describe within your advertisement.
I have been running a medium-sized company which designs and manufactures custom dynamic flabial cump sleevers, which are designed to protect industrial workers in the pram bilching industry from torsional stresses associated with the manual orthoslamming process. Up until the last few years business has been good and sales of our top-end Embooder 4X model had been brisk. Margins were at the best they’d ever been and the board of directors were elated to have made the wise decision to invest in our industry-leading flabial cump sleevers.
But with the slump in the world market, our sales flagged and we were forced to brainstorm methods by which we could prop up our ailing business. The first and most obvious solution was to go global and design a website, preferably on the cheap, given the significant dip in the quarterly graph which left us with far less in liquid assets than was altogether comfortable. Thus, I made the decision to hire my second cousin — by all accounts a grotty little fellow who was never without a rash somewhere on his person, but whip smart and who knew a thing or two about computers.
Now, at the time it seemed like the product of his efforts were satisfactory. As neither I nor any of my colleagues were particularly familiar with these web sites and such electronic wibble-faffery, we generally took it on faith that it was done, and it was good, or at least functional. As it turned out however, it was full of problems with the webbing programmery things, the colours, the rude noises it made, even the grammar used on the site was, in the words of one of our larger customers, like it was written by someone who was in a bit of a hurry to have the box nails removed from his skull.
Needless to say, we were most displeased. Indeed, sales were down considerably more than they should have been. So it was with unexpected pleasure that I was directed to your advertisement, which I found refreshing and different enough to strike my fancy. No namby-pamby milquetoasty obsequiousness from you, is there? Just straight to the point in the most direct manner possible. I rather appreciate that, particularly because I happen to love being aggressively condescended to.
Thus it is that I am presently interested in acquiring your services to, as you so eloquently aver, de-fück my shït, because it has become abundantly clear that my shït is, indeed, properly fücked. If you would then be so kind as to respond with some sort of schedule of pricing I would be most grateful to you. If you would care to see what it is I intend for you to de-fück, you may have a butchers at http://www.farqharsonscustomdynamicflabialcumpsleeversllc.com. I look forward to hearing from you.
P.S. Should it come to pass that I need to bring you down here to work more closely, it might be helpful to note that I also like being aggressively abused in person.
Sincerely,
Babar Farqharson
Farqharson’s Custom Dynamic Flabial Cump Sleevers, llc.
You flirt.
No, flirting the falangeal insert comes before sleeving the flabial cumps.
After many hours of laborious work and consumption of FourLoco, the results of Sparky’s overhaul is complete and ready to be added proudly to his portfolio.
Hey, thanks for checking out Farqharson’s Custom Dynamic Motherfuckin’ Flabial Cump Sleevers, llc. This shit right here is top o’ the line, quality merch, I guarantee you. I haven’t a fucking clue what flabial cump sleevers are, I’m just the asshole doing this site, but I’m told these motherfuckers right here are the best fucking flabial cump sleevers you’ll ever see. They will sleeve the motherfucking shit out of your flabial cumps, no shit, you’ll be all like, “Whoa, holy shit, look at that motherfucker sleeve those cumps! It’s a goddamn sleeving miracle!” I guarantee nobody can sleeve your cumps like Farqharson can. This guy wrote the fucking book on flabial cump sleeving. So go ahead, click some fucking links and take a look at this crazy awesome shit and get sleeving those fucking cumps like a goddamn pro.”
[Home] [Embooder 4X] [Embooder Mini] [Semi-bood Pro] [Fuck]
Really? I’m surprised they are still doing this manually. You’d think it would have been automated, by now.
I suppose some customers still like the manual process, as it was good enough for dear old dad.
I want a process
Just like the process
That orthoslammed dear old dad.
Nah. Doesn’t scan properly.
My only disappointment was that you didn’t make your link link to an actual site like the Time Cube guy.
I’m in charge of the swear jar at work. The F-word is a $1 offense. Man, if this guy worked here we’d never have a shortage of doughnut and pizza money.
I work in the service industry. Here, swearing is a prerequisite. Most of us have our range of vulgarity on our resumés.
I spent a few years as an offset printer, an industry in which one’s aptitude for swearing is measured during the interview process. If you can’t turn the air blue and wilt flowers, you’re not getting the job.
Despite that however, it was still better than working in the service and sales industries.
Job Title: Maintenance Engineer
Department: Service
Job Requirements:
Bachelors in Engineering, or similiar course of study, or 17+ years of practical experience
Expertise in Microsoft Office Suite, PC, Mac, and any/all peripherals including but not limited to printers, faxes, copiers, microwaves, printing presses, toaster-ovens, 19th century laundry steamers, CET/PET scanners, cordless vacuum cleaners, and the occasional electric toothbrush.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds with your teeth.
Ability to swear coherently in a sentence. Multi-lingual preferred but not required.
Proficiency in full-combat origami
The condition known as Hotdog-Fingers
Pay: BOE
Must be able to create coherent expletive in-fixes.
Gahfunit! I pulled a Taco-ism.
Windrose can often be bribed with birdseed to “make it go away”.
Oh..so apparently there are rules for inserting an expletive….good to know.
Rules are made to be fuckin’ broken… You kin goddamn believe that!
Fixed. When can I expect the bird seed? 8)
I don’t ask Windy to fix my mistakes because it would bankrupt my birdhouses keeping her sweet.
I feel like this would be a valuable service for women who want to seem “younger” than they are…
Or “purer”
I’m filing this one in my whimsical fuckery folder.
CJ, I believe that sort of fuckery is “whimsicle.” 8)
Whimsicles are delicious.
I b’lieve you are fucking right, Lola!
I wonder if Sparky’s method of de-fuckifying* your system includes pointy objects, unidentifed accelerants, and a trip to the burn ward and/or county jail.
*Yay!
I present to you: The Stick of Burning Defuckification. Go forth and defuckify!
Translation: This IS a joke, and was a dare from one of my buddies. However, I AM out of work and I do need a job. So if you actually do need IT assistance and are stupid enough to be impressed with this advertisement, please call me as I actually am a trained IT professional. Yes, I am desperate; I did this for a sandwich from Jimmy Johns.
Trawling for work when your unemployment runs out but you need to make an alimony payment sucks!
Trawling for work always unpleasant, no matter which side of UI benefits one presently abides.
Even worse when the net comes up empty, not even old boots and license plates.
Hard to keep supercargo stevedores, too, when they work out you are selecting for edible rather than reliable, too . . .
Are you sure it wasn’t for a fucking sammich from fucking Jimmy Johns?
All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy. All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.All fuck and no tact makes Sparky a droll boy.
I live in the Metro D.C. Area and am curious to know if that’s where it was posted? (he mentioned Capitol Hill)…If so, that would explain his fucking language!
If he hadn’t mentioned Capitol Hill, my first thought would have been Jersey.
My very first thought when I read this was of Michael Lewis’s Liar’s Poker, in which he discusses his experiences working on Wall Street; he coined the term “fuckspeak” to describe some of his colleagues who were apparently incapable of forming sentences without the word, and who also included it as many times as possible in each sentence spoken.
Well, Rahm did get disqualified to run for Chicago mayor . . .
Looks like Sparky has covered all the bases in English grammar and speech: as a noun, as a verb, as an adjective, as a pronoun, as a synonym, as a homonym (I was thinking phuk as I was reading it), as a metaphor, as a simile, as an adverb, as a preposition, as an oxymoron, as hyperbole, as sarcasm, and as alliteration.
OK, I fucking looked at this and fucking looked at it again, and I can’t fucking for the fucking life of me figure out what the fuck you think is fucking wrong with it. What the fuck? The fucking spelling is fucking dead on. The fucking guy seems to fucking know what the fuck he’s talking about. There’s no stupid dumb-fuck picture of a fucking deer on a fucking swing set or the guy’s fucking cock or something. He’s not fucking offering his fucking service for fucking free and then saying fucking $100 or fucking OBO or some fucking stupid shit like that. There are no fucking bees or fucking red tables involved. Will someone fucking please fucking explain this to me for fuck’s sake?
Fuck you.*
*She said lovingly.
I’ll take that as a fucking compliment.
But seriously, how much are we all going to owe C-Lo today?
Well, using cat math, I’ve discounted the rate from $1 per f-bomb down to the low price of $1.36 each. Then I took a 10% imaginary friends discount, adjusted for the currency exchange rate from USD to Web Dollars, added the 25% surcharge and came up with the nice round total of 157284.34€. Or a year’s worth of spinach toothpaste.
[serious] I’m having the worst sort of deja vu here, that I’ve read this before. Or, that we, here at YSaC, linked to this in commentary or the like.
Now, I’m regularly immersed in strange linkage, so it’s not uncommon that I get this sort of deja vu, and often with neck-wrenching double take.
Which is not helped in the least bit at all by that touch of CDO that insists that all the extant cross references be searched, cross-indexed, and otherwise thoroughly strip-mined.
[/serious]
The sort of thing which will insect the excrement out of me like flocking dung beetles fornicating like misbegotten camel offspring.
Runs Cap’n translator — WIN!!!
I’m pretty sure I linked to this one on Facebook.
I have a new favorite phrase.
I’m also going to try to use “insect the excrement out of me” at least once today if I can.
Well, having grown up with the rejoinder: “Hey, no swearing! There are Sailors present.”
One occasionally finds some one who will explain that, for the fluent, that’s just a “dare.” Meaning that varying usages, foreign equivalents, transliterations of foreign and pidgin and creole terms, and the like will need to be exercised and examined for admiration and comment.
Which can confuse more-recent additions to family when Great-Aunt Tara pipes in with “I heard this ferrying bombers into Odessa from Tehran . . . ”
I said to him, “Well, that was very interesting, what do you call your web design business?” and he replied, “The Aristocrats!”
Sparks, you can tell me how qualified you are until your tongue falls out; if you cannot form a single sentence without profanity, I’ll never care.
I have a tendency to use the word “fuck-with-ery” to describe my process of figuring new things out — new software, cars, machinery .. whatever.
Half of my stories start this way: “So I was engaging in fuck-with-ery with the penguin dessicator …”
I am intrigued that you have a penguin dessicator. I tried to order one once and I have a big blank space for the rest of the day.
*and the mother of all headaches.
This, too, intrigues me.
A dehydrator of flightless waterfowl?
A flightless waterfowl which dehydrates?
A water-fowl themed/shaped dehydrator?
Or, just a freeze-drying dehydration appliance in fancy dress?
” ‘Allo, Amana? Gimme a flocking Emperor model dessicator with extra Opus; an’ nunthat ‘Redhat’ guano neither!”
I may have to rethink my vote for euphemism of the day.
Today seems to be a goldmine, a treasure trove, nay, a veritable cornucopia of them!
I know my language bank sure has been expanded.
By the same token, this is how I usually fix something that has ceased to function for no apparent reason. No magic smoke, no pretty sparkles, etc, just one day, doesn’t…
I “engage in some fuckwithery” (take it apart, look at every part suspiciously, wonder what this thingamajig does, and why the doohicky is screwed in the way it is, and then put it back together), and it suddenly works again!
My wife used to ask me “How’d you fix it?” or “What was wrong with it?”. Heh, like she’d understand, even if I knew to explain it to her. I’d start saying “Well, the capacitor…” and her eyes would glaze over and she’d interrupt with, “ok, nevermind”.
Fuckwithery haz been beddy beddy good to me… I just never knew what it was called! Thanks drmk (BBUY)!
OT – my husband’s got a job interview next week! Six months of virtually no work, applying for every suitable job going, and getting nothing, and now he’s got an interview for a job he really wants. The company’s based near where his mum lives, but are also looking to set up a regional office near where we are now, so if he gets it he’ll be well placed to be able to work from home (after 2 years of mostly working away).
So, positive vibes pleeeeease for next Wednesday morning – which I guess will be the middle of the night for most of you, but there we are.
Congratulations! Tell him to not talk like this guy during his interview.
Hooray-and-a-half!
I will try to dream some good thoughts in ratman’s direction next Wednesday.
Just found in this last week, not one but three (three plus one, really) “dream” jobs to apply for, myself.
Would like to have a “first interview in 2011” too (metrics are against me, though, about 26:1 applications to interviews, in 2010, at least).
It’s UTC-6 locally, so, I’ll leave a note to think good thoughts circa 0200-0400 Sunday.
Best of luck to him. I’ll try to dream good thoughts for y’all.
Positive thoughts flying your way!!
Best wishes for you both, but especially him!
Thanks, guys – he’s both excited and nervous at the moment, but I’m sure he’ll have settled down by Wednesday 😉
Sooo…. Am I the only one that’s SURE I’ve read this before? Is this a repeat? Or maybe someone linked to it from the comments or something… But I swear (heh heh) that I’ve seen this ad!
I think I posted it on Facebook a while back.
Ok, that would do it… I feel slightly less crazy now 🙂
Ah, no wonder I felt like that too (see above).
I must have seen it there too.
I thought this morning was a repeat at first and now I know why.
Doesn’t seem familiar to me. Could you have seen it on another site?
It is just amazing the things you learn here at YSaC. I never realized that there were so many uses for the work “fuck”. I’ve led a sheltered life. It’s nice to be enlightened.
We’re all about education.*
*This may actually be true, but not here.
I would think having teenage boys in the house would have “enlightened” you plenty, Artsy.
SJ — yeah that has been an eye-opening experience. Add pre-teen girls to the mix and it’s a very interesting place to be.
I feel for you. My nephew just turned fourteen and has shifted out of Teenager Mode and into Sullen-Emo-Skater-Boy Mode.
It’s never the same after you catch one unsheathing the rutabega in their room.
Or, as is the case where I work and we are all about the military-style of phonetics – Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!
Or for the geek world: Wolverine Thunderclap Flare
For the literary minded – Whitman Thoreau Fitzgerald
I’ll tell you Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. It’s one ginormous Charlie Foxtrot, is what THAT is…
I vote for Monica Hamburg to sing this one. Pretty please?
I’ve sent her the link. We can only hope!
She did it! De-fuckify your website!
Not to disparage the benevolent Llama-Nun (BBUH) but your linky looks broken. It just links back to LimeLolly’s comment.
Oops. Here it is.
I aim to please 🙂 Thanks for the request, LimeLolly!
And thank you, Llama-Nun!
I had to be at work this morning. Listening to this while making the effort to be serious and focused gave me the worst case of giggles. They all think I’m crazy…made my day. Thank you.
So glad you enjoyed! (And that someone else appears unbalanced at work 🙂 )
That was awesome. I was on a road trip most of the day, but I kept thinking about coming home and listening to this, and it was well worth the wait. 8)
Oh yay!!! Really happy it met your expectations! 🙂
I was going to say that with all the “fuck” in this ad, this guy isn’t very good at de-fucking at all. But then I started to think about the guy that cleans our furnace each year. He shows up at my house in clothes black with soot. He cleans all the gunk out, and leaves covered in more soot. Perhaps this poster has de-fucked so many websites, he’s just absorbed all that fuck, and is now so covered in it, he can’t even speak without it all spilling out. Now that’s a dedicated professional, and if I had a website, I would definitely consider hiring this guy to de-fuckify it.
But surely at some point he has to defuckify himself, doesn’t he? And how does he do that? And where does all the fuck go? I’m picturing something like John Coffee in The Green Mile; you can only take so much back before you’ve got to give it to someone.
I have f 😀 😀 kin’ had it with these motherf 😀 😀 kin’ f 😀 😀 kers on this motherf 😀 😀 kin’
PCplane!That’s the happiest profanity I’ve ever seen.
Now there’s the Sammy we all know and love (except in that movie)!
Reminds me of a guy I work with. He apologized that he didn’t bring us Valentines candy. He said he wanted custom M&Ms made… ones that said “Fuck you” and “Go away”.
Those would be S&M’s…
[OT] Has anyone else noticed that once you ‘door something, if you wait ten minutes you can come back and ‘door it again… and again… and again…?[/OT]
Sometimes I can’t door at all, sometimes I can multiple-door. It’s strange.
I find that as I get older, it takes longer before I’m ready to door again. Fortunately I have never had to deal with egressile dysfunction, but it’s probably just a matter of time.
Adores remain broken for me, they will not remain “set” past any given screen refresh. Except to the off, random, two or three.
It’s clearly acting like there’s a permission issue in how the cookie/tag is written, linking log-in to the counter.
What I find very interesting is that if I “cheat” and re-Adore something, it will increment–but only until the next screen refresh.
While quite annoying, it’s far better than either 400 or 500 page errors.
::LimeLolly prints this page to show the boss that she is *not* nearly as aggressive as is currently being joked about in the office ::
YSaC…don’t leave home without it.
I kind of want to do that today, as well.
It went a bit like this:
5:15 – work request comes in.
8:15 – I finally leave work. Note: my schedule has me leaving at 5:30 but I got the one where on a three-day-weekend they wanted the info tonight “or tomorrow morning” (wtf, whatev, like I’m gonna do that). The metaphorical landscape at work is littered with the craters and fallout from the gross or so of f-bombs I dropped all over the place while completing the work, particularly when the resource we were using was not returning the results we requested, despite following directions. We appear to have gotten it all in the end, however.
The upside? We had liquor immediately after (flask!!!!) and my coworkers stayed to help get it done (one will have to handle the weekend follow up if there is any, so being conversant with the topic (wtf is an auction-rate security? anyone? anyone? corey? bueller?) was necessary).
Bloody hell! If ever there was an f-bomb day where the post resembled an interior monologue, it was this one. Not proud, but at least the post is correctly written and punctuated for the most part.
*pours giant drink*
Carry on, that is all. As you were, then.
Well, then it was a job well done!!
Pardon me, I’m 13 going on 40-something…
Hey! Some people like that!
What?
Hey, I’m done, I’m home, I’m just unsober enough not to drive. Idon’tcare.
Yesterday, I could only manage: “Stop being such a poopy head”.
The hazy red anger that swam all day yesterday in my brain due to coirkers imagined and trumped up stupidity, did threaten to cave in my delicately balanced emotional ward this morning. Upon awaking and as is my habit, review YSaC, today’s post became the cornerstone of this Friday. I maintained civility and general pleasantness and been calmed by re/reading the incredibly facile and practically tactile word-crafting from such talented people that post at YSaC.
And that’s no bulls**t.
Watch your fuckin’ language. — John Lennon.
My favorite quote on the topic of swearing was my HS English teacher, who claimed she learned the quote from a nun who was her teacher: “It’s a damn filthy habit and it sounds like hell!” (Delivered with a wink.)
My favorite comes from my Mom; “Where the hell did you learn such language?”
Fabulous rain tonight, darlings! sarajean, Punchity Punch Punch!
Mindee, Taco, honorarararary Punchity .
G’night, Capitol Records!
We have a Nocker amongst us, and he is in Tech!
[Corey] for those who have never played Changeling: The Dreaming. Nockers were a fey kith with foul mouths and who could break/fix mechanical things by swearing them into submission. I played one who was a techie at a university. To this day I have Nocker mode, where suddenly I’ll start swearing like Sparky up there. Usually at my (or someone else’s) computer. [/Corey]
Boy: Woof! You sure gotta climb a lot of steps to get to this Capitol Building here in Washington. But I wonder who that sad little scrap of paper is?
I’m just a bill.
A fuckin’ lil bill.
And I’m fucked up here on Capitol Hill.
Well, it’s a fuckin’ long journey
To this big fuckin’city.
It’s a long, fuckin’ wait
With that fucked up committee,
But I know I’ll fuck up some one someday
At least I fuckin’ pray that I will,
But today I am still a fuckin’ bill.
Boy: Gee, Bill, you certainly have a lot of patience and courage.
Bill: Well I fuckin’ got this fuckin’ far. When I fuckin’ started, I wasn’t even a fuckin’ bill, I was just some dumbass motherfucker’s idea. Some folks back home decided they wanted a fuckin’ law passed, so they called their fuckin’ Congressman and he said, “Fuck you. you’re a dumbshit little fuck, but you’re right, we ought to fuck the law.” Then he sat down and wrote me out and introduced me to fuckin’ Congress. And I became a fuckin’ bill, and I’ll remain a fuckin’ bill until they decide to make me a fuckin’ law.
I’m just a bill.
A fuckin’ lil bill.
And I’m fucked up here on Capitol Hill.
Well, it’s a fuckin’ long journey
To this big fuckin’city.
It’s a long, fuckin’ wait
With that fucked up committee,
But I know I’ll fuck up some law someday
At least I fuckin’ pray that I will,
But today I am still a fuckin’ bill.
Boy: Listen to those congressmen arguing! Is all that discussion and debate about you?
Bill: Fuck Yeah, I’m one of the fuckin’ lucky ones. Most fuckin’ bills never even fuckin’ get this fuckin’ far. I hope they decide to report on me favourably, otherwise I may fuckin’ die.
Boy: Fuckin’ die?
Bill: Yeah, fuckin’ die, fuckin’ die in that dumbshit fucked up committee. Oooh, but it looks like I’m gonna fuckin’ live! Now I go to the House of Representatives, and they vote on me.
Boy: If they vote yes, what happens?
Bill: Then I go to the Senate and the whole fuckin’ thing starts all over again.
Boy: Oh no!
Bill: Oh fuck!
Was there even a fucking line line today?
:points:
It’s right there below “Is your website fucked up?” I’m assuming that’s the fucking line, since everything else in Sparky’s ad has some variation of that word attached to it.
Does anyone have this fucker’s number? I’d like to get him to fuck with my shit…
Sucks? This guy fucking ROCKS at Craigslist.
Have any of you ever used this site?
http://www.thefuckingweather.com/
In case you don’t just want to know the weather… you want to know the fucking weather.
This got my funny bone going. And I have to say that this is a pretty heady group reading the blog and commenting, as well as writing. I almost wish I had a website that needed some de-fucking. Oh well. And what’s the Corey talk all about? That’s my name and based on some of the comments, I think maybe I should use an alias while here. So, writer’s of YsaC or whatever your abbreviation is, I’m going to spread the joy to my friends. You are very adequate in your commentary. The ads themselves are brilliant.
[corey corey] The original corey was here;
http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/?p=3819
Over time we have started using corey tags for any factual information that may or may not have to do with that day’s ad.[/corey corey]
Ha. You guys are relentless! Poor guy was getting everything from Yakaav Smirnov to being patronized like a small child. Come on SJ, he was only trying to help you in your Acura purchasing pursuits. And I thought you guys were snow flakes. My bambi ears are ‘mint shell’ broken. Savage souls you are. The wolf pack banter is apparently half the fun at this place. How on earth did a craigslist blog get a higher standard of commenter than my college’s student body?
It’s funny, but I asked myself that same thing when I first started browsing the comments. But I think Drmk and Dan (BBUT) leading by example is what attracted people who could follow up the post snark with equally witty, smart comments. That’s why I stick around. There’s a better class of people here than 99.9% of the rest of the Internet.
(Okay, 99.8% of the rest of the Internet is porn, but that’s beside the point.)
then it was R Lee Ermey, not F lee Ermey. Am I Corey enough Yet?
Well, you’re a Capital Corey. 🙂
Ha. Thanks for the smiley face there. Otherwise I may have been compelled to lash out with the fact check, just scouring the posts for factual and syntactical errors, disregarding all efforts of facetiousness from the comments and initiating my own scorched earth correction campaign. All in an effort to live up to the name. But since you made your intentions clear with said ;), I’ll just change my name and mix it up like the rest of you with witty, fun, and carefully directed rebuking thoughts.
My dog* does that. He’ll buke, eat it, and then rebuke.
*I may not have a dog.