YSaC, Vol. 924: Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ …
JEWLREY 18 PIECE LOT – $8
WE HAVE A LOT OF JEWLREY FOR SALE, GREAT CONDITION AND LOOKS NICE. GOOD FOR THE UPCOMING VALENTINE’S DAY! IF INTERESTED PLEASE EMAIL THROUGH CRAIGSLIST OR TEXT xxx-xxx-xxxx (PLEASE NO CALLS OR SPAM!) THANKS FOR LOOKING! FRIST $8 TAKES ALL 18 PIECES!!!!
As you know, we here at You Suck at Craigslist are all about helping people help each other.* So if anyone has just remembered that today is Valentine’s Day, and has realized that they don’t yet have that perfect gift, we’re here to help you … as long as the perfect gift is a pair of earrings with rollerblades dangling from them, accompanied by other cheap bangles and baubles.
I’m not sure about the Frist $8, but we’ve met a Firts before, and he was in a fear condition.
Thanks can go to new YSaC regular SisterTaco.
* This may not actually be true.
[Note from drmk: I’d also like to say a special thanks to Windrose, who has been helping us behind the scenes for quite a while now by keeping the “Don’t Suck” box up and running. Windrose, we couldn’t do it without you — thank you!]
I’ll take them, but only if they’re giftwrapped in that used chamois leather…
Nothing says, “I love you” like spending your FRIST $8 on cheap used costume jewelry.
Little known fact: The Frist $8 bill was a limited edition bill issued by the US Mint in 1910 which featured a bust of Wm. Bangle Frist on the obverse. Mr. Frist was, by anyone’s estimation, a complete nobody, having been a farmer of no particular note who was picked completely at random to represent the day’s Everyman and serve as a tribute to the nation’s blue collar workers. The new denomination was created to represent the monthly income Mr. Frist received for his labor — which was pretty low even for the day, but was the result of Frist’s having chosen exclusively to farm badgers. The only people who wanted badgers were the poor, to whom they were good, if tough and gamy eats, and an eccentric but distinguished gentleman who bought them by the pound and insisted rather strenuously that nobody find out about his peculiar proclivity.
Unfortunately, the bills were released without fanfare or notice, and while the banks distributed them, nobody was able to spend them because every retail establishment believed them to be laughable counterfeits. Worse still, by the time people tried to exchange them at the banks for more conventional currency, they were turned away because the banks, having completely forgotten about them about five minutes after the last ones were given out, thought they were laughable counterfeits, too, and many arrests were made that ended in counterfeiting convictions and saw hundreds sent to state and federal prisons, depending on how many of the “fake” bills the person was in possession of.
The federal government caught wind of this about three years later, and those who hadn’t already served their time for counterfeiting were released from prison and their records were wiped clean, but they were all left without remuneration for the value of the “fake” bills they had confiscated, the loss of their jobs and businesses, families, and so on, and were left to fend for themselves.
The son of one such unfortunate whose father ended up dying in prison after being shanked with a slice of stale bread, ended up making his way back to his parental home of Bosnia, where he hooked up with a bunch of ragtag revolutionaries and ended up assassinating Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria.
And now you know what really* started the first world war.
* Not really really.
I had an $18 bill once, I took it down to WalMart to get change and the clerk asked me if I wanted six $3’s three $6’s or two $9’s, finally a checker that can do math correctly!
:-/
Hey now, I’m sure some of that came from the ticket exchange at a family fun center. Calassy.
I didn’t know that it was calassy
junk* jewelry, why that completely changes everything**!*I just deleted my junk *snerk*
**By which I mean it changes nothing.
You should submit that to the Euphemism Generator.
Yay Windy!
*blush* Thanks, kelli, and drmk! It’s a fun job, the pay is great (all the bird seed I can eat) and I get to see the world from my computer. I’m thankful that you have trusted me to help out. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back behind that scene over there. 8)
Ignore the bird behind the curtain.
But I hear she has punch back there!
Great job Windy!!! We love having you as part of out YSaC family.
Yay for Windrose!
Windy has been spectacular about boxing us in the Golden Lotus and punching us to sleep at day’s end. 🙂
No one’s better at
fistingpunching you in theGolden Lotusbox than Windy!:re-reads comment:
Ummm… I’ll just go to my corner, shall I?
Thank you, one and all, except maybe SJ. 8) I forgot to wear red for St. Valentine’s day, but you have me blushing enough to make up for that.
Ditto what the smart, early-birds types said up there.
Thanks, Cap’n, and who wants to eat worms anyway? 8)
Hasn’t Bill Frist had enough advantages in life without being given a special deal on all of that garbage, oops I mean tasteful yet elegant jewelry?
Look, unbeknownst to most people (but beknownst to me), Bill is currently pre-op and waiting for the hormones to kick in so he can have his gender reassignment surgery. Once he’s out of the hospital, he’s going to need some flair to accompany his new outfits. And breasts. So cut the guy some slack, he’s in a very awkward place right now. He’s worried about something going wrong during the operation that will leave him in a vegetative state which, all things considered, isn’t the sort of place he wants to be for a variety of reasons.
Let’s have a little understanding, and maybe see if the seller will hold this lot for him.
[pre-op transgender corey-ish] In the United States of ‘Merica, most transgendered M to F take the hormones starting when they begin the required therapy and year of living as a female*, so our friend Bill would not necessarily want to wait to buy the jewelry. {/corey-ish]
*These were the requirements that my friend Zoe had described to me about 20 years ago, so some of them may have changed.
Still, some post-surgery jewelry might be a bit of a day-brightener for Bill (Wilhelmina?). New junk to take her mind off of the fact that she may no longer have her old junk (my understanding is that sometimes the plumbing is retained, and that sometimes it is not), if you will.
Is it my imagination or are those arranged in such a way…YES, I see the virgin Mary.
I think you mean the former virgin, Mary.
I see…
:squints at picture:
Chuck Mangione eating nachos, on the back of a donkey, in the Snark Lounge. With an obo.
But is Chuck’s obo firm?
It depends, how often do you polish the obo’s wood?
I just applied another layer of jungle red.
Huh. For me, if I mentally rearrange the baubles and chains just so, I see Washington crossing the Delaware on the backs of a pair of ducks worn like water skis as he holds a toilet paper tube up to his eye, spying enemy bonobos on the far shore.
Weird.
I can (almost) always count on finding wood here in the morning. If word gets out, people are going to start thinking that this is the Casual Encounters section of CL.
Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe in the kitchen!
Professor Plum in the revolver with the lounge.
Sparky, in the CraigsList, with the failure.
I was framed, I swear!
Nice ‘stache. You still shave in the dark?
Staring, staring, staring, I think I see something…is it the legendary lacawates valtrus-suka?
I see…
Modern Art.
No, wait, London.
Oh, no, never mind, that’s France.
No, hang on, it’s someone’s underpants.
Well, paint me red and call me a barn, it’s a shapeshifting pile of crap!
Nah, if it was Modern Art it would cost $8,000 instead of $8.
At least the seller isn’t over-valuing the crap by much.
Edit: Damn you, Astro, for editing while I was responding!
So everyone knows, when I responded to Astro’s comment it was only the first two lines, so my comment was funnier in comparison.
Woah. Woah woah woah woah! WOAH!
Windrose has been handling the YDSaC box! Holy crap! How did I miss that!*
*May not be true.
She has?
*In best Eddie Haskell voice* Gee, Mrs. Windrose, you’re sure looking lovely today. Is that a new dress?
:whispering: Try offering her some birdseed!
Upper left corner – appears to be a pair of in-line skate earrings. Sparky’s ex is a roller derby queen. She left him for the team captain. He cleared out their double-wide (nothing but the best for a roller derby queen) when he left in a huff and then realized he no longer had access to free beer so is trying to raise some drinking money.
Or something like that.
This may be a gift for today, but the green tarnish lines generated on your skin will last for years to come.
This Just In: Happy Valentine’s Day! <3s to everyone!
[{♥}]
Here at CHS, the chorus does a thing called Singing Valentines, where you pay them money, and then they interrupt classes singing romantic songs to people who are duly embarrassed out of their wits.
The CHS Euphonium Section got our Band Director L.O.V.E. by Frank Sinatra. It was funny.
L is for the Lotus Box esteem
O is all the “Ow! My eyes!” we deem
V is our Voracious lounge of tastiness
E is Even more than OBO’s, we can give adores
Love is all that YouSAC gives to you
Love is more than just some bees for two
YouSAC is all we make it
Cross the line and please don’t break it
YouSAC was made for me and you
Y is for Your daily snark, with ease
S is for the Sparkies that we tease
A is All we stir with roosters and typewriters
C are Classy takes and lots of fun with some pictures
Love is all the shiny things for you
Love is a bedazzled hoof or two
Any zomb can see it
Take my brain and please don’t eat it
Llamanun* is here for me and you
Ostrimu** is here for me and you
YouSac is here for me and you
*bees
** and more bees
I think SpaceBug wins.
“Any zomb can see it
Take my brain and please don’t eat it”
Best. lyric. ever.
Some sorority girl handed me a valentine with chocolate. I’m not sure, but I think that means we’re going steady.
I think jewelry
or virginityhas to exchange hands first.Hey, I know where you can get some
awfulawesome jewelry!You mean JEWLREY. There’s a *big* difference.
And don’t forget the “L”, either, for if you do, I shall use humorous Yiddish profanities.
I’ve been trying to work out a joke about this being (anti-)semitic flair, but can’t quite get the brain cells all firing in the same direction.
I hate microscopy, and microscopes hate me. Unfortunately, I need to work with them.
I keep reading JEWLREY as Jewry, which is either a panel of your Hasidic peers, or some sort of Jewish nobility (as gentry = gentile + really wealthy, therefore jewry = jewish + really wealthy). Ooh it’s like catmath for etymology! Catymology!
Oh testicles. Aunty Google is teling me jewry is a real word, meaning either Judea or Jews in general. I still like mine betterer.
Edit: Shoot, now Astro’s gonna go all band-kid on me. 🙁
[corey] “Jewry” is a commonly used term for groups of Jews, like “world Jewry” or “American Jewry.” [/corey]
I still think it sounds like a place where Jews are manufactured, a la Bakery or Grocery.
A kosher brewery = Jewry?
Sorry, but I just cannot get into this saccharine Lupercalian excess.
All just nonsense to me at best–and vice disguised as virtue at its worst.
Humbug, bah²
Is that what they feed Tribbles?
8)
It’s what they feed Tribbles who are on a diet and need to watch their sugar intake.
Well, at least with Lupercalia, there was some honesty about it all being a lottery.
Oh well, some one hand me the black bean now, and skip the waiting. I’ll help assemble the wicker for the burning . . .
much too late for this, but thought you’d enjoy these valentines I found online
http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgma5bmWls1qzr2ako1_500.jpg
BEA mine 😉
“Historians and scientists today were initially excited by the announcement that the New-York Historical Society* that the society had been the recipient of documentation relating to the trinkets ‘worth $24’ traded to the Native American tribes for ownership of the island of Manhattan. However, disappointment reigned when the the so-called documentation turned out to be (a) a color photograph (color photography was not technologically possible before the twentieth century), and (b) contained a pair of what appear to be miniature in-line skates (these footwear were also not available until the late twentieth century). If these two anachronisms in the ‘documentation’ were not sufficient, the fact that most of the items appeared to have been acquired from grocery-store vending machines and totaled less than $5 in value, almost $20 less than the amount historically quoted. In a related development, Native American rights groups are discussing filing suit against the owner of the photograph for casting aspersions on their collective taste in assuming that ‘this cheap s—‘ would appeal to them as fair exchange for an entire island.”
*Hyphen in this name is correct.
Many doors.
These will not do for my vampire/zombie killing kit!
No, but should the vampire/zombie apocalypse come, a cache of trinkets such as this may prove valuable to little girls who wish to imagine a world without blood suckers or shambling undead. Such costume jewelry will help mothers teach their young daughters about a happier, simpler time where the stuff of true nightmares isn’t hiding in the closet or under the bed or dragging their fractured, rotting corpses through the streets looking for brains. Such symbols of normalcy can really help a culture hold onto a dream of returning from the short list of prey species to the top of the food chain. Of course it can also distract parents from fanged- or undead-incursion readiness drills.
Shiny!
Shambling Undead is the name of IF’s Grateful Dead tribute band.
Motto: “Keep on shamblin’.”
That was funnier when I misread it as “vampire/zombie kilting kit”.
What do vampire/zombies wear under their kilts?
There is only one way to find out for sure and I’m not looking. It’s bad enough seeing dangly bits when their owners are alive.
Bob shuffled slowly down the barren highway. On either side of him, abandoned cars were skewed at crazy angles. He’d seen Ferraris, Lambos, even a couple of Ford Fiestas. But all he could think about was what he had lost.
How had he come to this? He’d been happy, living in his parents’ basement, watching mindless trash on tv and going to Scottish club with his girlfriend Annie (well, she would have been his girlfriend, if only he’d bought her that neat jewlrey off Craigslist)… Bob’s mind wandered, so he stopped to pick it up. As he jammed it back in his shattered cranium, his train of thought kicked in again. He’d been living the dream. Then, out of nowhere, the city was in chaos. In fairness, Bob hadn’t noticed until the power went out and stopped him browsing Craigslist and watching The Bachelor and Extreme Home Makeover, but when he eventually left the dank, dark basement, it was clear that something was amiss. The streets were empty, fires dotted the horizon and faint screams could be heard from several directions.
Eventually the zombies had come for him, having exhausted the supply of decent brains. They hadn’t even had the courtesy to look happy about eating his. Bob sighed. Even while being eaten, he’d managed to find a bright side – he was going to be a zombie! That was so cool! He could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and he got to make sweet groaning noises interspersed with a truly awesome death rattle.
But Bob soon found out that even zombies should pay heed to the words of wisdom passed down by their mothers. He began to cry, as the breeze blowing down the freeway flapped his kilt to reveal, had there been any living soul to see it, that, when you’re a zombie in an ever-increasing state of decomposition, if you play with it, it really will fall off.
:Picks self up off of floor, goes to stand in line at post office to ship Brazillion doors overseas to Jen:
Jen: my girl crush du jour.
You’re making this way too difficult! I’ll have to draw names out of a hat in the morning. Sheesh.
The undead/brains-eating Scots like to be properly represented, you know.
Okay, so, in my attempt to take an inventory, I have come up with the following — ignoring the various chains.
Top row (from left):
– Inline skates
– A pair of generic hoops
– A brooch that appears to be a tiny sanitary napkin with either tassels or tiny swim fins hanging down from either side, possibly a medal denoting rank in some sort of aquatic feminine hygiene militia
Middle row (from roughly right of center):
– Either a pair of either black peppercorns or small gonads
– A golden bum
– A decorative pancreas
– Some sort of dead insect attached to a chain
Bottom row (from left):
– A woven bracelet of whole wheat capellini
– Cloven hoof earrings
– A pair of miniature gourds
– A brooch made of small Siamese clamshells
– A pair of door knockers for fairy doors
Those necklaces remind me of the ones they [used to] sell at Myrtle Beach and other beachy vacation spots. The ones with the colored stones?
I always wanted one and never got it. NOW IS MY CHANCE!
Two decades too late of course, but who’s counting?
but are they bedazzled cloven hooves?
I’ve always wanted to wear small gonads from my earlobes.
:points to earrings:
These? I got ’em off a leprechaun. Little bastard wouldn’t share his cereal with me. Now I got my own lucky charms!
When the leprechaun comes back for his ‘charms’ — stab him in the eye with a curling iron. It doesn’t stop him for long, but should give you enough time to go warn everyone that had spent his gold. (Damn I hate that I saw enough of that movie to know that)
I’m glad you didn’t tell me those were from a moth…..
:pictures moth large enough to contribute gonads for earrings:
We’re gonna need a bigger bug zapper.
Oh..we kid mothballs….
😉
Various Extracted Band Names:
aquatic feminine hygiene militia
decorative pancreas
whole wheat capellini
I was thinking that about the first one as well, though it was more along the lines of “Hm, I wonder if it would be fun to join an aquatic feminine hygiene militia.” Presumably they paddle around on boats that look like sanitary napkins, with paddles that look like tampons.
… I’ll stop now. I think that train of thought needs to derail over a deep canyon …
I was trying to work a bidet in there, but not getting any wonderful ideas. Over it goes!
Depends on where this is supposed to be hyphenated.
“aquatic-feminine hygiene-militia” would be mernannies insuring post-ablution cleanliness,
“aquatic feminine-hygiene militia” conjures a maritime vigilance group of clearly perverse proclivities.
downhill from there, I do believe
I read “mernannies” as “mermammaries” the first time.
We’re Knights of the Red Table.
We snark whene’er we’re able.
We do parodies and genie pig scenes
With sarcastic work impeccable.
We have here an 18 PIECE LOT.
We have Ham and Pam and spam a lot.
We’re Knights of the Red Table.
Our snark is formidable,
But many times we’re given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.
We’ve ugly crap in the 18 PIECE LOT.
We sing like Weird Al a lot.
In word wars we’re tough and able,
Quite indefatigable.
Between our jests we sequin hooves and impersonate Al Sharpton.
It’s lousy junk in 18 PIECE LOT.
You have to rub the pup a lot.
“The outpatients are out in force tonight, I see” — Tom Lehrer
I am *not* rubbing the pup. I won’t fall for that twice and definitely not more than thrice.
But Hammy, the ad distinctly says NO SPAM.
Well I suppose if someone spent their LAST $8 on this it would be worse.
In case you didn’t see my comment yesterday, Silva, I bought a Cat Math mousepad and it looks amazing. Great job!
🙂
And my LlamaNun (BBUH) coffee mug and tshiRt came today and are AWESOME! Mr. LRC was amused.
Bad news from doctor. Off to watch a movie or read a book or SOMETHING. Hoping this is over soon.
To catch up non-weekenders: http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/?p=261#comment-95664
Oh, EB. So sorry to hear it. (((((((EB)))))))
Let us know if there is anything we can do.
So sorry to hear that, EB. Sending more good thoughts your way.
EB — I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m sending lots of hugs your way.
Take care of yourself. Your family needs you and vice versa. *hugs*
I missed it over the weekend – take care of yourself, sweetie. Hugs, thoughts, and prayers.
::hugs:: Take care of yourself, and we’re here if you need us.
Feel better soon, EB. Hugs from me too.
So sorry EB, ((hugs and warm cookies))
Oh no! 🙁 Hugs to you and hubby.
EB, you remain in my prayers. Keep us updated.
So sorry, EB. {{{{hugs}}}}
More hugs and comfort, EB.
I am so sorry, EB. This is a lot for your heart to hold. Sending hugs your way.
EB -hugs and postivie thoughts coming from across the pond. xxxxxx
St. Valentine is the patron saint of Apriarists, bees be upon him (too)
Does that explain those terrible “bee mine” puns*?
*Although the Ralph Wiggum line “It says ‘bee’ mine, and there’s a picture of a bee on it!!!” is one of the most-quoted lines from The Simpsons amongst my friends.
Cake Wrecks did a Bee Mine post the other day.
Yeah, that’s what I was thinking of. AND a techie blog on our local news site covered that post on their ‘weekly round up’ of cool blogs, AND in the comments someone noted the blogger had written ‘alot’ and linked to this gem. It was like a kaleidoscope of all my favourite blogs.
christina and moose, here is your happy Punchity Punch Punch!
G’night, Judea!