YSaC, Vol. 902: Child bad! Bread Good!
2011 January 13
child bad with mattrass
child bad with mattress, just placed it outside on [address].first come first take
“Okay Timmy, stop bouncing on the mattress.”
“Seriously Timmy, it’s time to come do your homework.”
“DARNIT TIMMY, IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT MATTRESS RIGHT NOW, SO HELP ME…”
*sound of child being grabbed, door slamming*
*door slams again, parent returns, types for a bit*
“All right, the rest of you – I’ve just put Timmy up on Craigslist – who ELSE wants to try me?”
Thanks for the post, Joshua!
Good thing they included a picture, otherwise I’d still be wondering exactly how bad the child was to be spanked to the point where they had a mattrass.
Why do I get the feeling “crib” is the only four-letter word Sparky doesn’t know?
Seems to me he is still having difficulty with the three lettered ones.
Sounds like it’s time for some remedial Electric Company.
“Buh. Ed. Bed.”
“Matt. Ress. Mattress.”
“Spar. Key. Sparky.”
Have you seen the new version of the Electric Company? It makes me weep.
I haven’t seen it, but I’ve been told that it’s nothing like its funky predecessor. Which is a shame because I loved The Electric Company when I was a kid. Better than Sesame Street, even.
How about “Zoom”?
I think the new Electric Company is pretty good and it had to change some what to stay relevant to the kids watching it. I hear many people complaining about the newer Sesame Street episodes but the fact is they aren’t made for us, they are made for kids who are watching them now. There are very few of those shows that I just plain don’t like (I’m a Children’s Librarian in training if you are wondering why I give a crap) but there are a few.
My children don’t like the new Electric Company. Of course, these are the same children who make fun of Blue’s Clues and Dora the Explorer (“It’s behind you, dummy!”), so they may not be a true representative sampling.
I like most of the new Sesame Street, although I think they give Elmo too much time (I’m a big Grover fan). The new Zoom was good but got cancelled 🙁
Apparently, these days, Cookie Monster has to tell the kids that cookies are a “sometimes food,” and he has to eat healthy things like carrots. Cookie Monster! Is nothing sacred?
I’ve only seen that once or twice Isaac, for the most part Cookie Monster is his nommy old self. As for your kid’s taste Kelli, I hate Blues Clues and Dora but I see their purpose. The kids interact instead of totally letting the tv guide their thinking.
I want to tell you that in seventh grade social studies, our teacher told us his world had been shattered when he discovered the new direction of Cookie Monster. The class was outraged.
I can only imagine how that played out.
“Hey, kids! Guess what? Me have new health-conscious diet! Ya, ya, me no longer just cookie monster. Now me organic cookie monster! And, and, instead of cookie, me now eat broccoli! Now me broccoli monster! Mmmm, look, broccoli! *harum-nom-nom-nom* Mmm, broccoli good! And good for you, too! *harum-nom-nom-nom* Oh God, me hate life.”
My favorite Sesame Street moment not involving Grover was when Mr. Hooper died and they didn’t just say he moved away, it was sad but so touching. My second favorite not involving Grover was when everyone finally saw Snuffy.
Okay, I’m not say I was happy Mr. Hooper died, I was just touched by the way they handled his death.
Maybe Sparky came to Craigslist without his crib sheet.
DAdun, csh!
He was supposed to show his Crib on MTV but needed to rush out and get a fancier one.
Someone doesn’t understand sales. Let me try:
Misunderstood child, marches to beat of different drummer. Comes with own mattress. $175 firm. Serious inquiries only.
@Dave – so I’d get a babby too? Just from steal (bad, bad Tig) …. taking it from the porch together with the crib? Hey, then I’d get child benefits … wouldn’t I ?
*I see Sparky is following the usual trait of spelling words randlomly – some correct, some incorrect. Your task, fellow YSaCrs is to spot the right ones! *
Ooh! Found one!
Is the mattress firm or the price?
It better be firm, it’s made of obos.
Ouroboros? So that’s what happened to the snakes.
I forget, is an Oroboros a snake eating it’s own tail, or a snake with a head on each end?
Tail-eating snake.
The one eating its own tail. Much like I’d do if I could ever catch it.
You would eat the snake’s tail? :-p
Why not? Tastes like chicken.
As I heard someone on a game say earlier this week,
“I’d hate to be a chicken, with people always comparing the taste of my flesh to other things.”
I have the same opinion.
I’ve got something firm for you. ; )
Edit: I got an “internal error” dialog box the first time I tried to post this, and a 502 the second time. I navigated to the home page then clicked through back to here, and it posted fine.
I feel like that was instant karma for making a smarmy remark.
No rehoming fee? Must be a really rotten kid.
Who knew that Sparky’s poor spelling would end up in violation of the ToS?
So that’s what I’ve been doing wrong! I’ve been using “Eenie Meenie Mynie Moe” to select the person who will receive my discards.
Sparky evidently works in porn films, where “come first take” is Standard Operational Procedure…
Thanks, Alice! Now my brain has “porn” and “mattress” in creepy proximity!
*mental Silkwood shower*
So I guess you don’t want to see this
This is totally not supposed to be posted here. Someone moved it. Someone or … something
*dramatic zoom*
*dramatic gopher*
Dun Dun Duuuun!
Not only am I reading this at work, I am also eating my lunch! Please put up some warning signs!
Didn’t you see this one that the Llama-Nun put up?
It’s hard enough to get excited about a stranger’s mattress (especially with bed bugs all over the place lately) let alone taking someone’s bad child.
I was thinking something along those lines too. Even if it was spelled right, this is still sucking at craigslist.
You mean I can get a free used mattress from an unkown source?! And it’s been sitting outside for an undisclosed amount of time?!! AWESOME!
It’s not the bedbugs I’d be worried about. It’s the grandma juice.
And the missing-presumed-dead snakes.
So the child is bad with mattrass and mattress? Hmmm…I wonder how it would do with say a toddler bed? Twin?
It’s a slippery slope, ya know? One day your bad child is content with the twin bed, the next day it’s on the street corner trying to score a full-size bed and before you know it…it’s strung out on queens.
What?
CJ, I know this from personal experience. My son, in his younger days, borrowed a friend and a truck, drove up into the mountains, and came back with a super single water bed. His father and I were shocked, SHOCKED, that he was into the hard stuff. Luckily he broke himself of the habit, and is now a well adjusted young man.
I foresee a future “Intervention” starring the child in this CL ad.
I’m so glad your son was able to kick his habit, though.
Well, the word “broke” is key in that process. 8)
With a waterbed, wouldn’t it be easier to slice?
I am suffering from difficult snark today due to exhaustion and a fever. I promise to share any hallucinations if they show up. I really hope they wont involve bad Children of the Mattresses style movies.
Lara, what’s that green thing with six legs and two heads over there? *just trying to help the hallucinations along*
That’s just Bob, he’s here all the time.
When I was a kid my fever-induced hallucinations ALWAYS seemed to include wild horses stampeding through my room. Not fun.
Hope you feel better, hon.
As a child, I always enjoyed the floaty feeling from fevers. The vomiting, not so much.
Hope you feel better soon, Lara.
Then try really, really hard not to think about Death Bed: The Bed That Eats, Lara. 8)
Feel better soon.
And now I can’t help but think of Johnny Depp’s scene in Nightmare on Elm Street.
Now I can’t help but think of Johnny Depp.
Thank you for that.
You all say that like it’s a BAD thing…..
😉
Sorry about the fever Lara. Rest and feel better soon.
Aww thanks guys 😀 I didn’t expect so many well wishes and suggestions of scary hallucinations to have. I was really just trying to explain if any of my snarks are lame/nonsensical. I really appreciate the internet love (not the kind mentioned by Alice Bluegown above).
Feel better, and I hope all your hallucinations are pink!
All that keeps running and rerunning through my head is:
Sparky misspelled the word BED.
Twice.
I just cannot get beyond that.
My only thought on that is that they might, might be ESL, because I have a friend who has typed that on occasion, e.g., “I have to go to bad now.” But if sparky is a native speaker? Then yes, no excuse.
The word bassinet would have been so much easier to spell, but may have been misconstrued as some sort of fishing supplies.
I thought that was a type of hound dog?
You ain’t nothing but a hound dog….
Oh, the huge manatee!
Or is that “Oh, the huge basset hound!”
That does take some talent.
Though I will say that when I am not paying attention to my typing, random As and Es will drop themselves into my workds. (And, apparently, Ks as well.)
At least Sparky did not refer to it as a “babby cage”.
Or a “babby kaj.”
Well, in south-west Tonawanda
Lives the baddest kid in town
So please take him away
I am not willing to pay
Just please don’t bring him back around
Now he is more than trouble
You see he stand ’bout three foot four
And all the teachers at school call him “pubic stubble”
And the boys just call him “ma’am.”
See, he’s bad, bad Nancy Brown
Got a girl’s name that he can’t live down
Take him ‘fore he kicks my ass
I’ll even give a free mattrass
Now Nancy’s always angry
And he likes his emo clothes
And he likes to wear his crossbones ring
He even pierced his nose
He got a custom Razor scooter
He got a pair of Heelys, too
He got an Airsoft gun in his pocket for fun
And an anarchistic ‘tude
‘Coz, he’s bad, bad Nancy Brown
Dis his name and he’ll beat you down
Take him ‘fore he kicks my ass
I’ll even give a free mattrass
Well, Friday ’bout a week ago
Nancy shootin’ cans
And at the edge of the creek sat a girl named Frank
But she sure didn’t look look like a man
Well, he tried his lines upon her
She responded like a moth to flame
But Nancy Brown should have paid more attention
To that movie, ‘The Crying Game.”
Yeah, he’s bad, bad Nancy Brown
But he don’t swing on that side of town
Take him ‘fore he kicks my ass
I’ll even give a free mattrass
Well, now Nancy took to runnin’
He’d throw up if he had to stay
He kept telling himself no matter what just happened
There’s no way that it made him gay
‘Coz, he’s bad, bad Nancy Brown
Straightest kid in the whole damn town
Take him ‘fore he kicks my ass
I’ll even give a free mattrass
This is excellent, freaky smiling puppy!
My only problem, however, is the location of this bad kid. Wouldn’t south-west Tonawanda be either a little place we like to call Buffalo or a really, really big lake?
You’re probably right there, actually. I should have said “northwest,” ‘cos “Buffalo” has an awkward 3 syllables that doesn’t fit the cadence. I just used Tonawanda because it not a tough-sounding name you wouldn’t exactly want to sew on the back of a jacket. 🙂
Hey Mindfield – off topic, but this story made me think instantly of Pickles and Winston.
Ha! That’s awesome. That picture is kinda how I imagine Winston looks like too. Related to the story, I’d no idea the constabulary over there often did infrared helicopter sweeps looking for grow ops. It seems rather an ambiguous way of spotting them — moreso than checking electricity usage — as I’m sure Winston’s real-life cousin can attest.
Finally, I’ve located my biological parents!
I’m jealous though, they placed me outside with nothing but a diaper and a six pack of MGD.
The weeks I spent camped on the curb, before I was rescued by a family of raccoons, would have been much more bearable if I only had a mattress as comfort.
With the speeling in the ad, I would have thought they were related to Taco, not you.
I went to the finest raccoon schools.
@HamCan … I needed warning of that comment “I went to the finest raccoon schools.” I now have to redo my mascara and mop up the desk.
Whereupon little Timmy gets his revenge by posting his own Craigslist ad…
“parent bad with spelling, just placed it outside on [address]. first come first take”
Aye sea nuthing wrang wit thas ed.
*thumbs through small book*
Ah.
*clears throat*
I we … weel not buy thees rrrecord. Eet ees scratched.
Aye ahm no longrr in feck ted
My hovercraft is full of eels.
Do you… do you waaaant, do you waaaaaaaant do come back to my place, bouncy bouncy!
(What? I’m just suggesting that they see if the mattress is to their liking before they take it!)
Sure, sure. Then later it’s all, “Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait ’til lunchtime!”
Look at my post in the forums Windrose, the suspense is killing me. I am also debating the wiseness of coffee. Wiseass of coffee?
AKA Taco.
Oh, is that his new name? Good, I was trying to figure out why that was in my brain
It’s his new title.
It could also be one of those collective noun thingamagibbers.
Okay, so we have:
A wiseass of coffee.
A snark of YSaCers.
A flock of slugs.
A hell of people.
I think we need a collective noun for Sparkies, don’t you?
I suggest we use “flotilla”.
We had “a hell of people” the other day. We could just make it “a hell of Sparkies.” Though that might be redundant…
I though I forgot one. I’ve added “a hell of people” in now.
Yeah, I also think a “hell of Sparkies” might be redundant, also.
Okay, how about a harem, then?
(I wonder how this’ll look in “Talk Amongst Yourselves…”?)
That implies that Sparkies are capable of reproducing. While I know this is true, the concept is too frightening for me to grasp.
I vote for a gaggle of Sparkies. Because they make us giggle at their idiocies.
I vote for a gag of Sparkies.
A roof(er) of Sparkies?
I change my vote to a “pace of sparkies”, because Wikipedia says that’s a collective noun for a Donkey/Ass.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go ask Uncle Google about a briefcase of Gnus.
I choose, “A Misspelling of Sparkies.”
By the completely arbitrary and fake pseudo-power vested in me by the fact that I posted that list up there, I say HamCan wins.
So, then, unless someone has something better, we have:
A wiseass of coffee.
A snark of YSaCers.
A flock of slugs.
A hell of people.
A misspelling of Sparkies.
I rather like, “A Tintinnabulation of Terrans.”
“A mispelling of Sparkies” would be better.
Mispeeling.
Yeah, that’s why I don’t wear suspenders. Huh? Oh, the forum! Yes, go see what I wrote Lara, and anyone who is interested. 8)
Starbutts?
ree pretty?
That poor child! One little ‘pecil’ laying on the mattress and automatically it’s labeled as bad. I know that we as a society want to stop ‘precocious puberty’ but some things are just normal curiosity and a natural part of growing up.
I could be taking things too literally, I suppose.
Fire bad. Tree pretty.
Salsa good. Poncho lousy*.
*Pick door number one!
Doors, doors, doors, LRC.
I think I will always remember how to spell “mattress” because of those 1-800-MATTRESs commercials – “leave of the last S for savings!”
I have this odd habit. Whenever there is an 800 number with a word that omits the last letter (ie..800-Mattres(s) or 800DriveNo(w)), I always dial the last letter. Also, you dropped an f, AR.
I was leaving it off for fondling.
The missing f is for fondling?
*fondles the f*
Oh, yes, that’s very nice. Thank you.
Hey, did someone drop a T? Anyone?
Ugh, weird, cold day seems to have “piled on” 502 errors to make me snarkless even with an infusion of MP.
But, since I have no idea if any action will result in a blank screen and 500 series erros; or if adores will appear; or reset; or do nothing at all–I could be biased.
At least I made it this far (if after 5 tries). Now, Away, Away, for the while.
I’ve been having a bunchload of those, too…. It’s somewhat irritating, to say the least.
Letting my host know. I’m getting very frustrated by this. I got a couple of them myself today.
And, really, if the child is “bad with matrass” well Cipro is realatively effective on Madrass Fever (unless it is Madrass Hemologic Fever–that’s bad, very bad).
I want curry.
Curry is delicious. Indian or Thai?
Chicken tikka, chana masala, curried spinach and a pile of naan. That’s what I could go for right now.
I Want Curry is the name of my all-Indian Bow Wow Wow cover band.
Well, this goes without saying. You can’t expect a young child to be deft with the distilling and dissolving of substances. Mattrass proficiency is more likely to come in late high school at the earliest.
Nerp nerp… I just did a google search for “padded storage autonam”
In other news, I’m considering a storage OTTOman for my front room, both to store gaming supplies (including 3-4 guitars, so it can’t be the smaller square kind) and provide drink-setting, extra seating, or game-playing surfaces. I’d prefer to spend less than $75… Does anyone have any suggestions for brand/style/etc? Have you had the folding kind, and if so, would it hold up well to a toddler and any other Minis that might come along?
Sounds like you need a Tardis ottoman, I think I saw one at Ikea.
TARDIS ottoman?
Toys And Random Detritus In Storage?
You, sir, have won the Internet.
You need a wanigan box. A traditional box to carry your gear while canoeing. Built using the same frame that you build the canoe from, so it fits perfectly.
Here: http://www.greenval.com/hurley03.jpg
This one is hand made, and would be way more than $75, I’m sure.
Astro Former Birthday Boy and Ill Person! Punchity Punch Punch!
G’night, Bearsville!