YSaC, Vol. 891: Sheak your booty.
Luxory pet day care
Need ur pet tooken care of and making sure u know ur pet loves u leaving them in luxgeriouse style and care with ur pet being pampered every minute of every day with ur staff personaly pampering and takeing care of their needs our luxory day care includes snack time in the morning with the choise of 3 brand name snacks and then a run in the park and around our yard and running facilaties and our trails to keep them in shape and looking good and then they come inside the luxory day care and have play time with over 100 toys and 12 event for ur presiouse pets in luxory style or play with the other pets then it snack time with 22 meals of their choise with a drink of distiled filtered water only the purest for our finest pets with a snack on the side every thing from ur pets schedualed and personallized day is of coures personallized to ur pet specificly and urs and theyre needs and then they are washed and groomed personallized to ur pet then they will be ready for u to pick up on certain days there will be events that ur pet can be apart of with the vip treatment that only the sheakest of sheak pets get only the best pets can get what the other pets cant ask about the vip treatment and remember that only the rich and the famous pets attend our luxory day care call to book dates if any are avalible or to reserve seats if any are avalible leave a message with ur name number ur pet about ur pet and if u want to book dates or permanit seats
Your mission: Read this out loud, as quickly as possible, and see how far as you can make it through in just one breath — and let us know in the comments how far you get through it! No cheating!
Thanks, Laurel! You’re the sheakest of the sheak!
Only got to tooken. This must be a part of the Las Vegas Luxor hotel complex – very sheak….
I got to – ‘ our luxory day care includes’
I feel really bad for this Sparky. They obviously were robbed of all their valuables: punctuation, capitalization, vocabulary, dictionary.
Brain.
Don’t let zombies happen to you.
Sparky does seem to have had a lobe or two gnawed. Good call Taco
Zombie: Braaains!
Sparky: AAHHH!
Zombie: Braaaaaaains!
Sparky: AAAHHHHHH!
Zombie: OM NOM NOM.
Sparky: …
Zombie: Om…nom?
Sparky: …
Zombie: *ptooie!*
Sparky: *raises eyebrow*
Zombie: BAD BRAAAAINS.
Sparky: Ain’ nothin’ wrong with mah brains!
Zombie: BRAAAAINS BAAAD! STAAALE!
Sparky: Look, we can’t all be freakin’ Bernsteins, okay?
Zombie: Hrrrruh. Smell.
Sparky: Can I have that chunk of skull back?
Zombie: SMELL COOOOORS. Air out.
Sparky: Fine then! Go on, leave, I’ve got duct tape! Got dang picky undead.
Everyone Door this!
EDIT: And by “this” I mean Mindfield’s zombie conversation, not my comment.
Aww, and I thought you were being meta.
Dyslexic zombies wonder around town asking for Brian.
What?
Vegetarian zombies wander in search of grains.
I wander where you are sneaking the caffeine from TM?
Caffeine actually levels me out. Now you’re seeing full blown no-caffeine barrier Taco. Either that or my system has caches of caffeine it has stored away for just this kind of emergency.
The lack of punctuation made it difficult to read aloud, as it is basically one giant run-on sentence. I can’t believe that sparky was not able to insert a single comma, period or apostrophe, even a badly placed one would have set my mind at ease.
That being said my favourite new word is “presiouse”
I liked “luxgeriouse”. In my mind, it translated to “luxurious louse”.
Amphetamines, anyone?
Whoever stole Sparky’s punctuation and capitals still left them an ample supply of the words “and” and “with”. Thank goodness. Can you imagine trying to read this if every “and” and “with” had also been stolen?
*shudder*
Though, if you were wondering….
Welp, I won’t be needing this brain anymore. It’s totally spoiled now.
*Lobs his brain into the trash*
I got…
I’m specifically avoiding reading what I have unleashed for that very reason :-p
I actually like Mrs. EB’s version better.
I’m not sure I want to focus on it closely enough to tell the difference.
Wow. I actually read through mine, and parts of it make more sense than the original.
I like this part best:
*Flies into a 4 minute long bichon frise solo*
*Backs Taco up with a bass conure*
*rescues Mindfield from the bad ass conure, substitutes canary piccolo*
*provides harmony with B-I-N-G-O*
My favorite construct from this must be “ur pet” which would be the earliest, original pet.
Wonder how Sparq’would handle paleolithic pets?
Still wondering what happens if I drop my Three-toed sloth Basil off for up-luxgeriouse care. Pretty sure Spark is not going to have ur-treats for Basil; neither is Bas’ going to be super-happy about a “run around the park” (and aboreal claws about 3″ long will “leave a mark”).
Why is this suggesting that I could use yesterday’s Flinmobile to take Bas’ over for some ur-humor?
Ur pet is two dang large an’ cranky, Capn
True. However, Basil (the 3-toed sloth) has yet to eat any other pets. Or need a run in the park. Or demonstrated much movement at all. Really, the infrared thermometer and a veterinary stethoscope are required to see if Bas’ has not scampered off and left a stuffed duplicate.
I got to Lux.
At the top.
Which, coincidentally, is a measure of brightness, which would make Sparky up there about 1/2 lux. (They figured out how to use the computer well enough to post to Craigslist at least, so a few neurons still have reasonably good aim, anyway.)
Any votes for the dictation computer failing to put in the punctuation? Or spell correctly? No, I didn’t think so. Carry on, then.
No, I donut think this is the fault of a peach recognition system period. They have no problem with the actuary spelling of words because by resign they have a dictionary to check herds against. The problem with speech recognizance is getting the futzing thing to under Stan the birds you’re spaying period new paragraph.
Like this post, for exam pull.
Egads comma wunner how it hand els giving pro per dictate shun instruct shuns quest shun mark Ah comma now eye sea full stop
Got to “running facilities and our trails”
*checks mirror* Are my eyes bleeding yet?
I almost stopped at “trails” but I still had a tiny bit of air left so I squeezed in a few more words.
My second run through (Why did I do it again?? I must have been compulsed by the directions from the Llamanun, BBUH.) I made it to “22 meals”… and then gasped quietly a few times, because my lungs still haven’t recovered from my Cold of Doom.
I got as far as the first pampered before I started seeing stars. I blame my former smoking habits for my lack of stamina.
This person needs to get out of pet care and into child care. The kids could teach him/her/it a thing or twelve.
As for the Sheak pets, this person writes like the Iron Sheik talks, minus the frequent swearing and antisemitic remarks.
Either the children would eat Sparky alive or Sparky would eat the children alive.
And now I’m hearing the Iron Sheik’s rant in my head. I’d post it here, but it is rather tasteless, even for YSaC.
I got all the way to “with a snack on the side” on my second attempt. I suck at reading craigslist ads.
I got to the word pampering. Do I win a prize for landing on a correctly spelled word?
That word was supposed to be ‘papering’.
I’m BAAAaaack! Took some time off to experiment with some new musical gear and just kind of chill before I had to go back to work today and tomorrow. Another 4 day weekend coming up though. I love this time of year!
I don’t know why but I can’t read this without a strong southern accent, used car commercial style.
“Hey, y’all! Need yer pets tooken care of? Why now bring the little dowgies on down t’ Billy Bob’s Sheak Shack where we’ll look after yo’ little darlin’s like they was in the lap o’ loxory! Er, lugjury. Luggery? Well anyway, they’s gittin’ some serious luxgeriouse … lugjerrius … luggarius … luggage … uh, real high falutin’ pet care up in these here facilitatin’s. We got ’em snacks lahk them there Milk Bones an’ Beggin’ Strips an’ leftover chikin’ carcasses for them to gnaw on to their little heart’s content! We got toys, lotsa toys, a whole mess o’ toys, gotta be over a hunnert up here, we got ’em squeeze toys, noisy squeaky toys, chewin’ toys, ol’ leather shoes, used table legs, peanut-buttered privates, large ball thangs with smaller bell thangs inside — you name it, we probly got it up here at Bob’s Sheak Shack.
Meals? No problem, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, we got 22 differn’t meals they kin choose from, Alpo, Friskies, Kibbles ‘n Bits with extra bits weren’t never s’posed t’be there, old T-bones, rawhide sticks, fuzzy slippers, newspapers, day-old bagels, we got tons o’ food here so your pet won’t never go hungry. And if it chucks its cookies, well, that’s just a second helpin’!
We’ll even wash ‘n wax yer little darlin’, no extra charge! He or she will be the sheakest of the sheak, believe you me, your walkin’ hairball will be turnin’ heads and breakin’ hearts, and with our over 90% survival rate, you can be pretty dang sure yo’ surrogate child will be comin’ home all clean ‘n fed ‘n watered ‘n probably a bit slippery, so brung yo’ precious little darlin’s down to Billy Bob’s Sheak Shack for the time o’ their lives and rest easy knowin’ you kin be reasonably sure of gettin’ ’em back, maybe even better ‘n you found ’em! That’s Billy Bob’s Sheak Shack, just offa Old Dump Road just past Farmer Jim’s ol’ stuffed cow and right at the condemned house in Hoboken, GA. We accept cash, cheque, Visa, Mastercard, American Express, Diner’s Club, and Pabst Blue Ribbon!”
I got as far as “90% survival rate” before I lost it.
I am inspired by the stuffed cow. I need to start giving directions by citing stuffed animals.
I’ve been given directions that required me to count hay bales, included broken farm equipment, and one memorable time featured the phrase “go ’til you get ta that tree what got struck by the lightnin’, but not the nother one”, but never a stuffed animal.
Must be nice to have such a stiff upper lip. “peanut buttered privates” did me in.
Peanut buttered privates did you in? Wow, we’re learning all sorts of things now that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is repealed. What rank did the person have to be before you busted out the Nutella for them?
I’m totally going to see Peanut Butter Privates and Busted Nutella at the 40 Watt on Friday.
“The list is long but distinguished”.
I actually thought throughout my career that hard work, attention to detail and actually knowing how to do my job were important, not the old saw “Who you knew and blew”, which is probably why I’m writing this now, and not running a BAS in Afghanistan.
“busted” and “Nut” in the same sentence? Really, Miss Lola.
Thank you, christina.
*attempts to look innocent*
*fails*
I got as far as “Raymond Luxory Yacht.”
What?
It’s pronounced Throat Warbler Mangrove
You’re a very silly person and I’m not going to interview you. Now go away. That’s not even a real nose, it’s polystyrene.
Ah! Antisemitism!
Mel Gibson on line #2 for Lara and Taco.
As long as it’s not Graham Chapman . . .
or that he wishes to exercise ur-copyright . . .
He can take it up with the Ur-quan.
My brain shut down at the first “ur”
Give Sparky points for correct usage of apostrophe (or should I say not using an apostrophe) in “ur”…….
That just might have been incidental, since sparkcase doesn’t use apostrophes anyway.
Guess u’r right TM……..
Coffy, I’ve tried to read that multiple times… and each time I hit the apostrophe my brain tries to eat itself. There is no creation more heaino… (Checks dictionary) heinous than u’r-
*Thump*
*Twitch Twitch*
I’ve seen people who seem to have the intent to use ur when they mean your and u’r when they mean you’re…but they get it backwards.
Well, my brain was substituting “your” for “ur” until about halfway through when the meaning shifted–seemlessly from “collective reader’s possessive” to “Spark’s collective [putative staff] possessive.”
At which point I sputtered (again) to a stop. As I now suspect “ur” is supposed to be read as individual letters, as in “U” {ewe} “R” {aura} (which conflicts with most of four decades’ habit/practice using phonetics; and “Uniform” “Romeo” will not ‘scan’ in sparkese at all).
All of which makes me <sad> as I was liking urpet and urluxory and the like . . .
I think that’s the sound my dad makes when he eructates.
Didn’t even attempt.
Seems Six LeMeure has grown up and opened a doggy day care. Better than her cohort who is now attempting to form a relationship with Sheldon despite it being a hoot-less attraction.
Obscure? Who me?
The only “Six” I know of was a character in Blossom. I saw maybe two episodes so I understand none of the rest of the reference.
Good guess. Mayim Bialik, who played Blossom, now has a recurring character on The Big Bang Theory.
I never really watched that show, but am a bit of a casual fan of Mayim Bialik’s post-Blossom career – she apparently has a doctorate in neuroscience. I kind of have to like teen actresses who take the road less traveled into adulthood (the one where they aren’t photographed emerging from vehicles sans panties and/or going in and out of rehab).
I read somewhere that she’s gotten her shows’ costume crews to make sure all her outfits meet her standard of modesty.
I got as far as “choise of 3 brand name snacks” and my brain threatened to go on strike. I’m willing to cut people some slack if there are ESL aspects (particularly as regards speeling) and they are clearly trying (I have friends who fall into this category, and they help me with Spanish, so I can cast no stones in that regard), but I know of no language from a country so poor they can’t afford capitalization and punctuation. They have no excuse.
I had to take it in small chunks when writing my sales pitch. I couldn’t read the whole thing at once or I’m certain my brain would have reached down and strangled me from the inside. So I’d write, go back out and read just enough to get the gits of the concept Sparky was trying to get across, and rephrase it as the sales pitch. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Even being as careful as I was, I still have the urge to take a claw hammer to my cerebellum.
“Get the Gits”? Is that a new gameshow, MF?
Er, wow. Tacoitis today. “Gist.”
Although “Get the Gits” sounds like it would make a hilarious Britcom.
Yay! I finally have a medical condition named after me!
Wait…
There are languages without capitalization, such as Hebrew. But that makes proper punctuation all the more important.
Or maybe the only book that Sparky’s read is the Torah. No punctuation there.
Naw, couldn’t be. Sparky has vowels.
I don’t remember the part of the Torah where they got Tooken to the Luxory Pet Day Care. Was that one of the sections in the back?
You have to be 40 years old to learn it.
I’m told.
I thought Luxory pet day care would have been mentioned during the Moses-in-Egypt story, probably as something available for pharaonic pets, but don’t remember that part. Of course, crossing a parted sea and wandering for 40 years might dull one’s memory.
Found it:
Sparky 4.17: And thus our luxory and presiouse pets were tooken from our houses to please God.
And the chiwahwah bearing his likeness did spake: “Take these pets, who are wholy in my imange and have my blesing, and tooken them unto the most luxgeriouse style pet daycare that you can find so that they may partaik of facilaties and trails, of toys and all 12 of the bless ed event. And may they be fed 22 times a day, lest they remain unexploded.”
And seeing the truth and gudnes of his words, we did taked them to the moest luxgeriouse pet day care in town. God did grin, and we we’re bless ed by the chiwoawoa holding his bladder for the entier car ride home
Ah men.
NOTE: I tried to do that without punctuation or capitals but it just hurt too much.
I’d like this much, much more if I didn’t feel like we were developing the YSaC version of lolcat-speak right before my eyes.
After a week with no snark and much kvetching from the mother-in-law, please forgive me for being the speedbump on the high-speed snarkway today.
I was feeling that a little too. I was bolstered by the assumtion that such mispellings will only last for the day and tomorrow be replaced with fresh, topical snark.
I knew it! I knew it! I just knew.
God is a dog. Why else would one spell the other backwards? Okay, apparently God is a dog with mange — actually, iMange, which is apparently some kind of mange specific to Steve Jobs’ dog, but still.
Joy to the world, the lord is mutt!
WARNING:
For external use only, do not ingest, if accidentally ingested do NOT induce vomiting proceed to the emergency bar immediately!
I thought our resident dog enthusiasts would enjoy that passage.
In celebration of the Muttification of God, I have changed the ears on my helmet from orange cat ears to orange Pomeranian ears. Enjoy
EDIT: I’m very lucky I had just swallowed my tea before reading Hammy’s comment.
Something that’s always bugged me, Taco: Does your sprite have a mustache?
Nope. It’s supposed to be a gap in the red mask. I tried dumping red in that area, but it didn’t look right so the peachy-brown color stayed.
But what is it supposed to be? I always think red Megaman with a hat one.
It’s a custom resprite of GyroMan from Mega Man 5 with a blue Met hat. He’s called Steve and is the counterpoint to Helmbot, my previous sprite avatar.
Wasn’t your previous sprite avatar a cactus in a sombrero?
That would be a fair description, actually.
Lux Geriouse sounds like a good name for a comic book villain. I wouldn’t let a villain tooken care of my presiouse pet.
Yes. It’s from “The Spirit 2: The Pun-en-ing”.
I had finally dislodged the Zappa earworm I had been harboring since Boxing Day, but today’s title reminds me of Sheik Yerbouti, so now it’s back again. Um … thanks?
Must be nice. I’ve got “Jerry Was a Racecar Driver” by Primus firmly lodged in my cortex.
And here I thought Lola would have “Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow” stuck as an earworm.
Good suggestion, Mudsy, but I think not having a dog kept me from thinking that way.
Dog? I’ve known guys who would qualify for that mental image.
Spell your name in the snow: S-P-A-R-K -Y
Re: Lola and Sheik Yerbouti … That’s actually sort of what I was thinking.
Wait, I just realized: “Lola and Sheik Yerbouti … That’s actually sort of what I was thinking.” Um, Llamanun (bbuy), is that a request? Because I’m going to suggest that you really, really, really don’t want me to dance.
I got as far as “personallized day is of coures” and then ran out of will to live.
I think that this is a great service. I just love the idea of my pet being taken care of by somone with the same IQ!
And they have a unique greeting! They sniff your bottom to see where you’ve been and if you’re friend or foe.
My brain simply refuses to acknowledge this type of thing. I try to read it, and my brain says, “What do you think you’re doing? Eyes, stop reading this right NOW!”. Then my eyes just skip down over the entire thing trying to find something that is properly spelled…but alas, no such luck.
That’s eerily familiar to how my brain wanted to process this…
And thirded.
But practice here with previous postings allowed me to persevere and read the entire thing regardless.
Many thanks to the Llamanun and Ostrimu (BBUT) for increasing my stamina so that I can survive these postings and to the Snark Lounge Commenters for making it enjoyable!
There have been many days where I just give up on the ad itself and enjoy the well-grammaticalled snark.
Hey now, no reason to single me out of the group like that!
This is your brain on 22 meals of your choise with a drink of distiled filtered water only.
Don’t forget the snack on the side, Meredith!
I dis-tiled a bathroom after Thanksgiving.
It was a long, hard, dusty day which tasted over much of powdered grout and 30 year-old drywall for the $40 I earned.
What bothers me about this ad (and there’s just so much to choose from) is the non-specific nature of the pet care. All types of pets? Really? Because I’m not sure how a tank full of tropical fish will cope with a run round the park.
And if there’s an assortment of pets, allowing them all to play together is going to wind up with some of those pets forming part of the choice of 22 meals for the others.
Especially when I call upon his services to look after my pet gator, Snookums. He’s such a lovable reptile, but he has a real weakness for poodles.
Sounds like the perfect companion for my Hippo, Spunky. We should set up some park visits for them.
Definitely a water park. They both love to frolic in the water, Spunky can graze on the foliage, and Snookums can eat the stragglers who don’t clear out fast enough. A fun time will be had by all! Except the stragglers, anyway.
I’ve got my pet twin piranhas – Edward and Scissorhands. They’re great for removing the dead skin off your feet. Bring your own
bandagestowels.Precisely my thought when I imagined dropping my ur-pet Basil the Smilodon–that Spark’ could have an exciting day limiting Bas’ to only three treats, or 22 meals or just the 12 kinds of food. Especially since Bas’ is only good at catmath.
This facilatie seems like it would be a good place for me to drop off my sheak pet deer ticks (Vlads 1-20 and 21-32) for a few days.
Oh, cool! I have a colony of Norwegian Hera ticks, we could arrange for a playdate. Just keep them away from Noodle, my pet aardvark.
[Insert snarky comment involving Hera ticks sounding like heretics when read aloud here]
Your Norwegian Hera ticks sound like the perfect companions for my Madagascar Hissing Luna Ticks.
I’m not sure what to do with all this. I’m just gonna pass it off to my South Austrian Pheno Ticks.
You know, if all allowed our ticks to interbreed, we could create a new species of Poly Ticks.
Hmm. There’s a metaphor in here, I just know it.
Poly Ticks drain people’s blood.
Politics drains people’s money.
Poly Ticks operate using only rudimentary ganglia. Politicians … operate using only rudimentary ganglia.
I actually understood that.
Ticks might actually be smarter than some politicians. I’m looking at you, Teabag party members.
This is my pet carp, Cigarette. Every day, I take him out for a drag.
We can always hear you and your pet wheezing down the road. 8)
“Wheeze on down, wheeze on down the road …”
I’m going to count how many misspelled words there are, I’ll say it as a response to this.
Why does everyone feel the need to nit pick on spelling errors? Some of us have fiellings you know!
I counted 47 words. Taco, looks like you have some competition.
I counted 54, but I included stuff like “pets” misspelled when it was supposed to be possessive, and “making” when it was supposed to be “make.”
Does anyone have a spare ice pick? I need to gouge out my eyes.
If we don’t hear from you, we’ll assume you had an aneurysm and are currently in a coma*.
* I was going to say “comma” but Sparky is fresh out.
I’m finevbshbdhgsbnxcvbvbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
Old Belladonna Took, mother of Bilbo Baggins, opened this pet care place. That is the origin of the phrase, Took-en care of.
Fool of a Took, Tooken yourself in next time and rid us of your luxgeriouse style!
J.R.R. Tooken, he wrote Luxory of the Pampering
Billy Bob Baglady was the main character, I think he was from Middlesex County.
They were trying to return the pamper-ring AKA “presiouse” to the Procter & Gamble factory from whence it came.
Fluffy: Our plan is in motion, Mittens.
Mittens: Brilliant, simply brilliant, Fluffy, with all the grammar and spelling mistakes I made the nasty canines will not suspect this is a TRAP!
Fluffy: Wait, spelling and grammar? Mittens!! Dogs can’t read!!
Mittens: A minor technicality, *Mittens furiously typing*
Luxory pet reading lessons
Fluffy: Mittens!!
Mittens: Fluffy, are you pondering what I’m pondering?
Fluffy: I think so, Mittens, but how are we going to make pencils that taste like bacon? Or maybe we should make bacon that tastes like pencils.
I want a pencil that tastes like bacon. It would make my classes a lot more fun.
Don’t say “pencil” in front of Hammy. He’ll just make some crack about a “pecil”.
(which I’m surprised he didn’t)
Dammit, Mudsy, now my brain went to “bacon-flavored pecils” and … I think I briefly blacked out.
I don’t often think about pecils, however I am willing to flavor them any way you desire, bacon, chocolate, skittles…
Two words: Bacon Lube.
That’s just not Kosher!
They sound DEE-licious!!!
Your “Google History” must be a sight of majesty, Mindfield.
And/or his credit card bill…
His Google History could be used as an advocate against the internet. Maybe.
Hey now, my browsing habits aren’t that bad. I actually came across the bacon lube when I Googled “bacon-flavored condoms.”
Wait, that isn’t any better, is it?
No, but it gives us some insight into what you and your wife do when you’re bored.
My eyes! They burn!
Welcome… you gotta remember to bring goggles and an unbubler for next visit.
And for Bee’s sake don’t drink and snark at the same time. Your monitor and keyboard will thank you.
And finally, don’t rub the puppy’s belly.
Hey! He can too rub my belly if he wants. Just point me away from your face, you’ll be fine.
If they have only the “rich and the famous pets” at their “luxory day care”, you’d think they’d make enough money to hire a good proofreader.
Well, keep in mind that if Sparky lives where I think (s)he lives, “rich” could just mean they have an RV instead of a trailer, and “famous” probably means they were on the news. This ad probably was spell checked, and the checker declared, “Yup, luks fahn t’me. You go on ahid ‘n post that suker on that there Crag’s List.”
Either that or it was typed up in Word and Sparky just kept right-clicking and selecting “Add to Dictionary” because they didn’t want to post the ad with all those red squiggly lines under nearly every word. It’s very unprofessional.
Thems’s got one of those thar new fagnaled “Indoor Toilets”. Yee haw but does that sound strange havn one a dem in da house.
There’s nothing wrong with living in a mobile home. It’s defintely cheaper than owning a house.
Yes, but it can get a little crowded. I know a family that lives in a 5 bedroom mobile home, and require 3 SUVs to get everyone to the same place at the same time. I keep telling them they should just invest in a clown car.
I wasn’t implying it was a bad place to live. Just playing on the redneck stereotype is all. 🙂 (Heck, if you’ve ever seen videos of those “tiny houses” they make a mobile home feel like a mansion by comparison.)
In the spirit of the game, I managed to say to ‘100 toys and twel…’ but not quite to the V. My mind, however… got stolen by Lux Geriouse. Blasted supervillains. Any secret agents/dorks-in-capes about? I kinda need my brain back eventually.
I got to “over 100 toys ” and had to gasp for breath. Now, to be fair, this was the second out-loud reading of the ad and I did read it through silently before I tried at all. The first time, I only got to “includes snack time”.
I didn’t get any farther than the first 3 words. I consider this a good day for me.
So Bacontini finally opened a doggie daycare in Vegas?
I made it to “every minute” and my brain said, “If you continue reading this and don’t take another breath immediately, I am going to quit entirely and there will be no more breathing for you!” It seemed wise to breathe at that point.
I stopped at “tooken” so I guess that technically that’s 4 words into that train wreck. Good thinking on your part Manda.
I got to “our trails to keep them in shape” but I rather wish I hadn’t.
I tried, but I was too busy weeping for humanity.
R.I.P.
Respect for Humanity
Taken from us age 9.
“He never had a chance.”
Don’t you mean “Tooken from us at age 9”?
Damn, I spelled it wrong again!
Rock the Cat Box
Now the VIP told the doggie nanny
You have to let that rawhide drop
The pie on the dessert tray
Has cool whip to the top
The sheak rode in his Cadillac
He went a’ cruisin’ down to Mulholland
The mutton was a’ sizzling’
On the bbq grill
The sheak they like it
Roca in the cat box
Roca in the cat box
The sheak they like it
Roca in the cat box
Roca in the cat box
By order of Purina
We ban that doogie pound
Designate the baying few
With that crazy Bassett sound
But the Basenji they brought out
That eclectic yodeling call
The local poop picker
Got some on his thumb
As soon as the sheak
Had cleared the air
They began to wail
The sheak they like it
Roca in the cat box
Roca in the cat box
The sheak they like it
Roca in the cat box
Roca in the cat box
Hmmm, my song is awaiting moderation, I think the word “poop” was to strong for the spam filter.
🙁
Congrats, Hammy. You managed to make me laugh whilst simultaneously throwing up in my mouth a little (per the “Kitty Roca” reference). Good thing my coworkers are at lunch.
I think drmk’s Zappa-based earworm has now been supplanted by Strummer, Jones, et al.
Hence forth this phenomenon shall be know as “hurlarious”
*snergle*
It’s Luxory? Oh, thank goodness! I was so afraid my genie pigs would have to suffer through something Memphisy, or even (Ra forbid) Abu-Simbely!
Also, I got to “then it snack time with 22 meals of their choise”. I might try again later after doing some of the breathing exercises we learned at Band Camp.
On a related note, I talked to someone on Facebook about Neapolitan Ice Cream right after posting this, and accidentally called it Heliopolitan Ice Cream.
Power corrupts,
Solar power corrupts heliocentrically.
Heliopolitan, adj. – related to or having to do with the Ancient Egyptian city of Heliopolis.
[corey]
Heliocentric: The theory that the solar system revolves around a relatively stationary sun.
Interestingly, Heliopolitan is derived from the same greek root of Helio (Sun). Specifically Heliopolitan means “City of the Sun” and was named for Ra who was supposed to have lived there.
[/corey]
Err Heliopolis is “City of the Sun” Heliopolitan is “Resident of the City of the Sun”.
Curse you Ajax.
Heliopolitan (noun): A dish consisting of chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla ice cream, molded and served in the shape of Ra.
Edit: And now I just look late to the game. Nerp.
[fake-matt]I was trying to provide set up for snark revolving around Ancient Egypt, and you just had to make it revolve around the sun! Some people are just so egocentric that they have to make everything heliocentric! Gosh![/fake-matt]
Also:
Heliopolitan, noun – An ice cream consisting of three flavors in the same dish, usually Ra-mazing Vanilla, Khufulicious Chocolate, and Per-Wadjetastic Strawberry.
[fake matt matt] Geeze, Astro, I almost said that the ice cream was in the shape of a pyramid, but if you actually LOOKED at the ETYMOLOGY of the word you’d see that it doesn’t have to do with general ancient Egyptian stuff, so I said it was Ra. Gosh… Can’t please everyone…. [/matt mat mattt]
[fake matt matt matt (with a teaspoon of clavin*)] Well excuse me Miss EB but Ive heard Heliopolitanism used as a word to describe Ancient Egyptian religion all tidy like PAGANISM or BUDDHISM and since religion shaped ALL the general ancient Egyptian stuff Pyramid would have been JUST AS ACCEPTABLE I swear you people are SO FREAKING TOUCHY sometimes[/fake matt matt matt (with a teaspoon of clavin)]
*clavin is the one that means unsubstantiated hearsay, right? Also, I’d like you all to know how much it hurt to go and remove all my lovely punctuation in the name of snark.
Get a [matte] you two!
Yes, Astro, you have used the clavin tag successfully. A clavin is a statement presented as fact but with little-to-no actual truth to back it up.
…I believe the vast majority of politicians and broadcasters should come with permanent clavin tags these days.
[pseudo-matte]Well, and if we accept the idea that the pyramids of Egypt were, in fact, stellar observatories, then they’d be Astropolitian[/pseudo-matte]
What was the definition of [matte] again? I don’t remember which day it evolved…
[matte] is for an opinionated, yet impassive observation that is not established fact like a [corey].
So it’s;
[corey] – comment containing extraneous information regarding a particular topic
[clavin] – comment containing fictional information regarding a particular topic
[matt] – comment containing righteous indignation, real or feigned
[matte] – comment containing an opinionated yet indifferent observation
Does that look right?
Not necessarily indifferent, just dispassionate or level-headed in tone.
Like the difference between:
“That book sucks! Nobody in a million years would read it! Even I could write better slop than that!”
and:
“I find the writing ability of the author in question, I doubt they have many followers.”
The former of course would merit [matt] tags while the second would be more deserving of [matte].
I think [matte] may be better described as a serious “non-snarky” or non-humorous observation that is not necessarily a factual statement.
Wait, I thought Clavin was less fictional and more “I heard this somewhere and it sounds right, but I have no way of proving it.”
Necropolitan. Metropolitan. Acropolitan.
Define.
City of the Dead
Mother City (Or Original/First City) It doesn’t technically mean this anymore.
City of the Hights (or City of the Sky)
I actually knew what Necropolis was, thanks to the original Fable game.
Let me translate this into Taco-ese*: Eye actuwally new wat Necrapoliz wuz, thnx two thee originial Fabble geme.
*No offense Taco, I’m just screwing around.
I thought Necropolitan was what zombies ate for dessert after a nice meal of brains?
… I’m in the golden box? Nice!
*starts looking around Snark Lounge for helmet*
You may want to rinse it out. Taco was using it to shield the goo.
The g- … oh, right.
*sets Snark Lounge dishwasher on “boiling brain bleach setting”, puts helmet in*
Thanks for reminding me!
I gotta say, I don’t envy whomever it is that has to pick a comment for populating the box tomorrow. A lot of great snark flying around today.
Duck! It’ll splat you!
SNARK FIGHT!
*Throws a bucket full of mine hors at EB*
I want in!
Astro> get MR WINKEY
Astro> put MR WINKEY in BEA ARTHUR CUTOUT
Astro>put BEA ARTHUR CUTOUT in CANNON
Astro>aim CANNON at TACOMAGIC
Astro>fire CANNON
Huhwhat?
Whoa, hey now, not to get all Danny Tanner on your asses, but you’re making a terrible mess. Who’s going to clean this all up? Certainly not I. I’ll do you a favour, I’ll get a pallet and the snarklift and the rest of you can just shovel it on and take it out to the trash when you’re done.
*tosses afroman and his ice cream at Taco, ducks behind Red Table For Sale*
Astro> get FLINSTONEMOBILE
Astro> ride FLINSTONEMOBILE
Astro> say You’ll never catch me alive, coppers! Hahaha!
Astro> move N
~~~~~~~~~[YSaCMUCK:ATRIUM]~~~~~~~~~
You are in a dank and dusty atrium. There are billions of piled [doors] strewn about, just waiting to be used. There is also a long [hallway], the way [out], and a door marked [snark lounge].
Contents:
FLINSTONEMOBILE [FULL]
Astro [IC]
[Doors]
Astro> say Mindfield can never make me clean while I’m – HOLY SPICECHRIST, THERE’S NO STEERING OR BREAKS!
Astro> exit FLINSTONEMOBILE
YSaCMUCK> You jump out and hit the ground, and lose 5 HP.
YSaCMUCK> FLINSTONEMOBILE has exited [OUT].
*Unleashes a flock of T-shits at everyone*
*In “grenade” voice*
“Lacawates-valtrus-suka!!!”
*grabs a Bedazzler and prepares to defend herself*
NMN sends out Haunted Eagle Statue!
Haunted Eagle Statue attackes with creep people the hell out!
It’s a critical hit!
Everyone is creeped out!
I’ve been influenced greatly by it. Sorry about that.
I thought T-shits “came” in “loads” not flocks…
*unleashes volley of asshats who want to hang out with [little people] and/or drunken clowns, the nacho cheese fountain/Lionel Richie cheese head, and a table that has been spraypainted by a rabid badger while sitting next to a vacuum that was being photographed outside, from behind overpriced, rusting Viking stove draped in a blue tarp and while eating a Winter Bagel*
*SARA JEAN > arms self with Clue by Four.*
*SARA JEAN > Barricades self behind haunted Craftmatic bed*
“I’ve got a possessed doll and I’m not afraid to use it!”
*MYSTICAL HAWK > suddenly appears.*
*Sends out army of chiwahwahs and fleet of dolphis.*
*Puts on spider man costume and waves a giant inflatable banana around*
“Back, back I say!”
*Readies ninja turtle penis costume for deployment*
*Gets the hell away from Hammy*
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! IT’S A WMD!!!
There’s only one thing to do now!
*Grabs his Chipmunk and Squirrel costumes*
Who’s with me?!
*screams*
*Hides under Tarp of Christmas Stuff*
Not it! *puts finger on nose* Nose goes!
*Points hypno dog at everyone*
“You are getting sleepy…the pecil is a lie.”
“You are getting sleepy…the pecil is a lie.”
“You are getting sleepy…the pecil is a lie.”
“You are getting sleepy…the pecil is a lie.”
“You are getting sleepy…the pecil is a lie.”
*blinks sleepily*
The pecil is … lying … in bacon.
*snores*
100:Invokes Sunlight (by raising the window shade)
200:Pasty game-master then vanishes into a cloud of Vitamin D.
300:Problem solved (not including HazMat remediation of basement)
400:EndofRun
Astro> move SNARK LOUNGE
~~~~~~~~~[YSaCMUCK: SNARK LOUNGE {D}]~~~~~~~~~
You really think I’m gonna try and write a description for this?
EXITS:
[ARCHIVES]
[ATRIUM]
[FORA]
CONTENTS:
I don’t see anything!
Astro> shout Holy Lacawates Valtrus-Suka, Batman!
Astro> get GIANT INFLATABLE BANANA
Astro> throw GIANT INFLATABLE BANANA
YSaCMUCK> You have not specified a target. Please use the form “throw at ”
Astro> throw GIANT INFLATABLE BANANA at HAMCAN
Astro> get HYPNO-DOG
Astro> use HYPNO-DOG
Hypno-Dog> Hypno-Dog ‘s eyes begin to glow, and the creature barks.
Hypno-Dog> Hypno-Dog says, ” Submit to my will!””
Astro> get THE TABLE
Astro> view THE TABLE
YSaCMUCK> here is picture of table
Astro> throw THE TABLE at CAPNMAC
Text game? Interesting.
The captain was busy using the diamond hone on the talons of Basil, as the griffin had gotten quite a lot of Sparky stuck on them, and was quite unaware of the mortal danger of the table plummeting balistically towards him.
Fortunately, the Chief of Staff, as was his custom was near to hand, using that beatific omniscience requisite for promotion to master Chief Petty Officer. Said worthy merely moved as single eyebrow a few millimeters, and that was a significant enough disturbance in quantum space-time as to cause at least two Chief Petty Officers, and a PO/1 to shout a billet of sailors into action.
The poor table never had time to even assimilate the concept of “petunia’ before is was siezed, bolted, welded and then lashed with plow-steel cable, to then have every scrap of paint scraped and needle-gunned from its every surface. Then, was given two coats of primer, a base coat of Paint, Surface Preperation, for NavSTD#1PCPA painting, all before the two finish coats of paint. Afterwards, a brass rail was intalled ,then polished to a mirror shine just before the sailmaker appeared and half-hitched polypropelene sheathed yacht-braid line around the rail to provide a good grip and not leave fingerprints on the spotless brass.
Which pleased Basil the Geminiraptor, as the cord provided an ample grip to allow both preening and swiping at the occasional Sparky who ignored the painted warning stripe on the deck, the audible warning, and the signed release cautioning against risk of maiming, death, or being eaten by Creteacean Troodontidae.
The Basils being fed, the Captain returned to the task of finding better ways of casting intertube malware writers into maelstroms of hungry lamprey (none of whom would ever be called Basil)–the sinkholes of hagfish being rightly reserved for spammers and direct-mail timeshare advertisers.
Cap’n, you forgot the requisite two feet of non-skid around the perimeter of the table, not to mention the DC lantern and the hull diagram bolted to it. Oh, and the glow in the dark frame number painted on it.
Thanks, Taco. Uh, I mean, whoever it is will certainly appreciate your sympathy.
Ok, the editor in me could not stand it any more–this is how Spark thinks this reads (edits in square brackets):
Ok, it’s still advertizing tripe, and I’m not leaving any of the Basils with them . . .
Well heck Captain – I sure would like to spend a few days at a place like that. Pencil me and Roxann in for the next available weekend. We’ll be bringing our own toys…..
You are a brave soul, Capn. The rest of us couldn’t brave the waters, but you waded right in and caught yourself some punctuation and a basket of grammar. And a left boot.
My cats eat food I buy in fourteen pound bags from Tractor Supply and would drink exclusively out of the toilet and bathtub if I let them. Offering them brand name snacks and filtered/distilled water is not going to impress them very much.
I’ve always said buying fancy food for creatures that use their tongue to clean their own bottom is a waste of money.
We actually gave our cats wet food for the first time ever as a sort of Christmas pleasantry.
I cleaned up 8 cat horks in three days.
I feed mine wet and dry and don’t have a problem. I only give them a tiny bit of wet to supplement the dry though, so they don’t eat too much and get sick.
It was a tiny little can of kitten food, shared between two cats. I really didn’t think there would be a problem -_-
NOTHING impresses cats.
Red laser beams do. And hand shadows.
Mouse cursors, string, power cords…
… little girls who like to play “dress-up the kitties”…
Not sure if “impresses” is really the right word there, sj.
Spiders!
Or, occasionally, leaves we’ve tracked into the house or dust bunnies.
Some days, though, she just can’t be arsed to go after the spider strutting its stuff in front of her, darn it.
Semi tires leave an impression…
Fish impresses my cats. Any other kind of meat, not so much. They’re also impressed by Luv cat treats, except for the one cat who isn’t impressed unless they move, so I have to throw them before she’ll eat it. She likes “live” kill.
One of my cats is absolutely not impressed by plastic bags. She’s scared of them, in fact. The traumatizing event in question was funny as hell, but in retrospect it feels kinda mean now whenever I have to fluff open a new garbage bag in her vicinity.
I’m pretty sure if someone offered my parents’ cat filtered water, he’d think it tasted wrong. He drinks from the toilet, and gets the water drained from tuna cans sometimes. I’m sure he appreciates the extra “flavor.”
MMMMMM….flavor.
Now I’m thinking about M&Ms *again*.
::goes off to search through pantry for stray chocolate::
My cats love tuna water. They don’t drink from the toilet though, but we do leave a faucet running a very thin rivulet because one of our cats doesn’t like drinking from the kitty water cooler. (However, one of our other cats loves the water cooler when it’s just filled up and set down. She keeps trying to catch the bubbles.)
YSaC aside: Does this post suggest a TL;DR tag?
Middling obvious Spark did not read through it the first time; but expects us to.
I guess it depends on how much we want to appear as if we’re bowing to internet pop-culture.
I’m going to invent “TB;FO.”
Too bad, freaked out.
TSA: Total Semantic Annihilation.
Oh, garçon, I would like the pig snout and beef tail in aspic followed by four ounces of your purest water as a digestif.
(This also reminds me of lightly killed baby frogs.)
It boggles my mind that Sparky wishes to impress us so with the accommodations, activities and comestibles but somehow doesn’t think that basic communication skills might carry some weight, too.
With 22 meals a day PLUS snacks and total lack of intelligence, I don’t think sparky can keep my pet in shape.
I was wondering (since they don’t write clearly enough to specify) whether that was just 22 meals total in the whole place and, if so, what the pets eat when the food runs out. I suspect the answer is “each other.”
And then, there will only be one.
But he’ll be a biggun.
Sparky didn’t actually specify WHAT shape…
Ur pets? The Sumerian forerunner of pillow pets and Tamagachi?
I respectfully withdraw this comment, since CapnMac already touched on the them.
*goes whistling off*
No, don’t leave because of me.
I was leaving the Sumarian snark for another, the concept of Og-housetrained Civets, L. Rufus, or similar Prionailurus in with Spark’s bevy of Pommerainans, Pekes, Chi-wa-was an dthe like being too much to assimilate, even with the help of Basil the Not.A.Lion
Lola, I’m sure it’s past your bed time, but as soon as the helmet is out of the spin cycle, here’s your Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Mr. Tinkles!
“Need ur pet tooken care of and making sure u know ur pet loves u leaving them in luxgeriouse—AHHAHAHAHAHA LUXGERIOUSE!! That sounds like geriatric luxury… which doesn’t sound very luxurious.”
I sometimes have problems encouraging my mid-level ESL students to participate in class because they’re too worried about making mistakes or embarrassing themselves in front of their peers. I will use this post as encouragement, it’s sure to make them feel better about themselves. They’ve only been studying English a few months but they couldn’t make this many errors in a single paragraph if they tried!
I got to “luxory day care” – the second one.
I got to “luxgeriouse” before my tongue leapt down my throat and tried to strangle me….. after fighting that off, I lost my place, and then fell into a seizure upon seeing “permanit”….. Is that some form a new knitting style? And has someone already made that joke? I need a Pan-Galatic Gargle Blaster or five……
Whoops, that “a” should be “of”.
WOW just what I was searching for. Came here by searching for dress shoes