YSaC, Vol. 878: Your own personal Jesus.
Churches, I am getting ready to sue you – $100 reward to stop me.
I’m getting ready to take churches to court for tithing fraud because I allege I am Jesus and should receive the offering, at least a portion.
I need you to set me straight, to tell me I am not Jesus/God
Copy/paste the following statement onto a blank paper and get it notarized for $100————start of statement———————-
I solemnly swear under oath,
Chris [Last name] is not Jesus/God/Messiah/Savior, and thus should not be allowed compensation from churches who’s congregation gives in the name of Jesus/God/Messiah/Savior
_________________________
Sworn and notarized by ______________________ dated _______________
—————–end of statement——————Sign it, email me you’ve done it. I will need it mailed/faxed to me, and in return I give you $100 and you stop me from suing churches. Otherwise, I may eventually hit your church/denomination.
Wait, if I do this and send it to this guy, he’ll pay me $100? Okay, who here is a notary public? My hosting costs are coming due soon, and I can’t think of a better way to cover them than with money from some crazy guy extorting churches.
There’s something relatively clever about this: I doubt a real, licensed notary public would be willing to sign such a document, since they don’t have incontrovertible evidence that Chris here isn’t, in fact, Jesus. So the chances of Chris having to pony up $100 are slim; however, so are his chances of successfully suing churches for tithing fraud on the basis that he’s their deity of choice.
But, you know, religion can make some people do strange things …
housing swap, do u live directly behind a mosque??? will trade in katy
1800 sq ft house, 9300 sq ft fenced lot with a huge pool. with dog fence. lots of trees in back yard, cool even in summer. no neighbors, dead end part of park behind the back yard with access…all neighbors caucasian, very quiet and peaceful in westlake subdivision. value +130k paid off.
if you have a paid off house directly behind a mosque anywhere in houston, must have view for camera equipment, and of course, value to value . no photos of property, yet.thank you.
Yep. That’s not strange or suspicious at all. I can’t count the number of times I’ve traded houses with someone just so I could aim camera equipment at the back of a mosque. Oh wait — yes, I can. Zero. Wait, let me count again. Yep, zero times.
Thanks, NH and The Shanimal!
Dear Chris [Last name],
Please make my mommy & daddy stop fighting. And heal my friend Joey’s broken arm. Is my dog with you in heaven? ‘Cause he sure likes to play catch, will you make sure you play catch with him? And bless Nana & Poppy even though Nana sometimes is stinky. Can you make it snow? Really hard? I don’t want to go to school because Ms. Fiskerton has a test scheduled, and she always gives hard tests. If I do have to go to school, will you tell me the answers? Thank you for all the food, & clothes, & other things. Help me be a good child.
In Chris [Last name]’s name,
Amen
#2 ad: That’s not suspicious… at all.
See, even the crazy ideas are bigger in Texas. 🙂
Was there ever any doubt about that, Limelolly?
I love Texas.
And I’m not saying that just because I live in the next state over.*
*May or may not be true. Readies the weapon array, just in case.
I adore your state, except for that excruciating drive between Shreveport and Alexandria. Though the swamp gas is really pretty at dusk. And there was that one time that I nearly killed myself trying to pull over on I-10 during a thunderstorm. But New Orleans and gumbo totally eclipse those things.
Being a transplanted yankee, I can honestly say…. “Louisiana, it’s frikkin’ HOT down here”.
[notary corey] I’m a notary. I can notarize a signature (provided the signer is in front of me and in my state), and I can put someone under oath in my state. I’m not attesting to the truth of what the signer says, I’m only attesting to the facts that (1) his identification says he is who he claims to be, and (2) he said what he said under oath. [/notary corey]
No, I’m not volunteering to help with this wacky scheme.
And what state would that be? Inebriation? Confuzzlement? Just saying that you would have to be to agree to something like this.
It’s the same in my state, too. Notaries basically have to make sure the person is who they say they are. I don’t think they are even supposed to read the document, so it could really say anything. I could probably get a notarized statement claiming I am Batman if I wanted to.
I work with about a dozen notaries so Chris[last name] needs to send me :does Cat Math: fourteen hundred, fifty three dollars and twenty nine cents.
And a catnip mouse.
You didn’t come when I shined my bat signal the other night. I had to chase off the possibly rabid possums myself.
Know Thine Enemy:
You find them in the city, in the country, at the beach
In parks, in canyons, in a yard eating a peach
Rarely white, mostly black or gray
White face, pink nose, black ears they display
With beady dark eyes so sensitive to light
They much prefer to come out at night
Long whiskers and a nose that is pointed
Little hands with fingers that are jointed
They eat everything from snails to plums
Did I mention they have opposable thumbs?
Upon mom’s back ride thirteen babies
Don’t worry these guys do not get rabies
They sometimes will hiss, even snarl or click
They climb using their tail to hang on to a stick
If it looks like he’s sleeping and should be in bed
He might be afraid and is just playing dead
Fifty sharp teeth to keep people distant
Set in a jaw that snaps shut in an instant
On the female you will find a pouch
If you try to look in it you’ll surely yell “Ouch!”
70 million years they have remained
Since the dinosaur age, virtually unchanged
Just what are these unusual creatures
With so many astonishing features?
Did they come from another planet
With no other life form on it?
An animal such as this is really quite awesome
By now you know this could only be a POSSUM!
OPOSSUM OPOEM by L. M. Tinz
When a wild animal such as an opossum starts following me in the dark… I’m not waiting around to see if he just wants to be friends.
A charming personality does have its drawbacks…..
Sarajean,
Please bless all thine insects for other bats to eat and do not wear body fitting suits that make thou’s penis look impossibly large. Especially as thou does not have a penis.
Amen
Well, that’s good to know.
[goes off to find a notary who IS willing to help her in her cunning plan]
Dearest Llamanun, I don’t think you need a notary to start your own religion. It has already happened.
Bees be upon you and yea, also, the glorious Ostrimu,
Lola
if you’re in WI, I’ll notarize that letter for you…I know *nothing* about any money coming to you for this letter.
and yes, pretty much all a notary does is affirm the person signing is the actual person and they know what they are attesting to in the document
The check is in the mail.
Now can I approach the red table?
If there is a “cunning plan,” does that not require a “thingie”-shaped turnip?Account OverdrawnOr possibly a turnip-shaped “thingie.”
I was about to say the same thing.
P.S. I’m back!
Hi, Bridgete! How was the move? And Severus?
Eh, moving never goes as smoothly as you want, but we’re here now and the furniture is set up. A few boxes still need unpacking but the important stuff is done.
As for Severus, for the first few days he wandered around meowing like he didn’t know what to do. But it turned out there was a bunch of stuff in front of his cat tree, as soon as that was cleared away it was fine.
I love that your kitty is named Severus!! He is my favorite character and I used to have loud arguments about whether he was good or bad. No spoilers will be given here. Is Severus a black kitty? That would be so appropriate. I have decided the next kitty I have will be named Henrietta Pussycat for Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood.
Lara, Severus is the one in her avatar. Had mine (also black) not come pre-named with a very cool name, I might well have considered that one.
I didn’t know your beautiful kitty was named Severus–I love it! We have a sweet little girl my Mum decided we should ‘foster’ *wink wink*. I’m glad we can’t stand cats in cages, or Uhura might not be sleeping on my lap right now.
If you have all this camera equipment for the mosque, Skippy, then why don’t you have photos of your house [yet]?
Probably because he has Grandmas’ 110 Kodak Instamatic on a tripod, and can’t figure out how to make the “pitchers” show up on the interwebs, no matter how tightly he folds them and jams them into the serial port.
I was going to say Grandmas’ Brownie, but I would have to explain it to the young hip crowd here, and I also feared someone would take “liberties” with the comment.
I think everyone that would take “liberties” is gone for the weekend. ??
Even I got dragged out to go Christmas shopping yesterday. I hate shopping.
Hey man, I’m young (27 and not necessarily hip) and I know what a Brownie is. In fact I want one. And chocolate version along with it.
Grandma’s Brownie… that little door on the back is the place where you put the film.
Plus…
…you can put your weed in it.
You could have gone with Grandma’s Swinger. I’m sure no one would have taken liberties with that. *crosses fingers behind back*
Oh for the love of clothespin Jeebus spice Chris.
Chris (Lastname), I will tell you what I told my daughter, I’m sorry but you are not Jesus, now go do something useful.
Well, useful to me would be turning the water into wine.
But, when it’s time to get a bath, and they insist on standing on top of the water, that’s a little annoying.
Healing you when sick would save a ton of money on medical bills though.
Still going to be forced into buying insurance anyway. Whee! Democracy!
I think religious institutions may be exempt from that though. Would being Jesus qualify as a religious institution?
Thinking one is Jesus probably qualifies you for SOME kind of institution.
Though you’re more likely to be turned into charcoal by the ATF.
There is that problem that your daughter is female and Jeebus wasn’t.
Lara, that just means it’s our turn.
For sale, photos of the back of a mosque. No photos of mosque yet.
So nice to see YSaC turn to religious themes on a Sunday! You all have a good time debating evolution vs creation, and I’ll be back later to sort it all out. Ta-Ta!
Waot a minute, you can’t just tell us to spend all day getting up our dander over religion, say that you’ll sort it out later, then just leave us! You know the truth! Obviously, Windrose is Jesus Spice and she’s messing with us.
I’ll buy that and a jar of feathers.
Sorry, Hammy but the feathers are only available for Maria.
And they called the jar Mariah
Yes, of course I know the answer. God got drunk one night and created evolution. End of discussion! 8) I hope Chris doesn’t run out of money before I get my cardinal’s robes.
I’d like to see this delusional/extortionate guy meet up with those Westboro tools – they support themselves by litigating and winning money … I doubt he has money so I wonder if they would cut their losses and pay him the $100 to go away, or if they would protest outside of his house: “God Hates America Because of Chris’s Legal Rights to Claim He Is Jesus,” etc.
I’m not even going to start on the douchery implied by the listing for the house in Katy with all-caucasian neighbors to trade for the mosque-adjacent house in Houston, and just ask our Texans … how realistic is this trade? A $130K house in Katy vs. something in Houston in a neighborhood that would have a mosque?
My hope is that economics will rule this out, and that additionally the appropriate authorities (ironically amusing if it’s DHS) will take note of these Sparkies and their probably-nefarious plans.
[/Uhm, matt?]
The second one seems like an elaborate and labor-intensive plan to slightly annoy mosque attendees.
Unless the point is that a camera line-of-sight is similar to the line-of-sight for looking through a different type of lens, and then we get into serious problems…
I kind of thought the house was named Katy. I also thought maybe the guy was a muslim who wanted a shorter walk to his mosque until I read the part about taking pictures of the back of it. How would those pictures be useful at all?
[houston RE corey]Well, even in the troubled real estate ties we live in; buck-thirty is not even a “starter house” in most of metro houston. It’s likely over the county line into Ft Bend, or, possibly, Waller County (and still “in” Katy)–but, it’s likely a dinky house a long, long commute to downtown at the price. Finding something that cheap that is also behind a mosque is very unlikely, even in one of the bayou flood-prone areas.[corey]Account Overdrawn*deposits 20K snarkatoons into Cap’n’s account*
Hey, we could have a Snark Lounge bake sale for Cap’n! I’ll make brownies, and Ed can put his weed in them.
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I think Capn’s catulator has an important message for us.
He forgot to switch it to Cat Math mode. Happens to me all the time.
I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it before, but I have a looney neighbor who always has anti-democratic, vaguely racist signs posted in his yard. Most of the time he’s just paraphrasing O’Reilly or Beck, but his latest one confuses me: Obama, tell America, Mosque you! It almost sounds pro-Islam. I should point out that while Denton County is pretty darn conservative, this is the neighborhood that is sandwiched between two universities and is populated by students, hipsters, and young families of liberal bent. And he wonders why his signs are frequently vandalized.
Hmm. I don’t get it either. How about:
Obama, mock America, I tell you! (works for us around here…)
In Obama’s America, Mosques tell you.
Tell Obama, you Mosque-American!
Christ in a (neighborhood with a wackjob), your neighbor is an asshat.
I’m in the box, I’m in the box, I’m in the box 🙂 Looks for helmet.
Hooray! All it took was a babby!
Jesus Chris?
Thou shalt have no other Chris’ before him
Oh crap, I’ve met many Chris’s before I read this!
Me, too, but maybe that will mean we don’t have to pay him $100?
I’ve had a Chris, before.
Ima tina bit more than Chris.
Stop groaning!
You’re Christ in a…
IN A WHAT???
PS – Thanks for Paleo Future. I didn’t want a life anyway.
Christ in a Marie, actually. Oh dear, that’s not going to translate well.
My own ability to have a life is challenged daily here. I was just paying it forward.
I’ve had a couple of Chrises before, and based on that limited sample, I can’t recommend them.
The second poster is obviously hoping to film Muslim Girls Gone Wild.
Girls without burkas… I can’t see how that would be exciting.
And always with the ululating! That will get on your nerves by the end of the night.
I thought most guys paid extra for ululating.
Does this mean I have to replace all phrases that originally had ‘Jesus’ in them to ‘Chris’? Hmmm, lemme see. This would include:
1. Liars make the baby Chris cry.
2. Chris on a cracker!
3. Chris, Mary and Joseph!
4. Chris H. Christ!
5. What Would Chris Do?
What would Chris do would lose its significance though because now you know Chris would sue churches and extort people for $100. I think the Pope really ought to be informed that he should be talking about Chris. He should probably have a direct phone line to Chris.
Just this once, I must disagree with the editing if the Chris post, if it does not incur the wrath of the Llamanun, bees be upon her, and the Ostrimu, bees be upon him. As I fervently see it, this being the holidays and all, we could all use a little extra cash and what not plus the economy’s not so good. I vote we all get Chris’ last name and email adress, our reverend’s card via mail from the back of the National Enquirer, start churches, drop by ye old local notary’s place, and rake in a hundred bucks. Badaboom badabing, money for the stocking stuffers.
Rev. ToBScholarly DOES have a nice ring to it…
LurkRevClose
**winks at Lita, LRC, and TBS while stroking his beard thoughtfully**
Tee-hee.
@LimeLolly, several of my guy friends insist that “girls without” anything are exciting. Others take it a step further and just think any girls are exciting.
Unless it’s “Girls Without Father Issues”, then that’s just boring.
I was thinking girls without feathers. But then I am a girl without feathers and straight so I really should have more dates.
“Girls Without Internet Access.”
“Girls Without Health Insurance.”
“Girls Without A Mild Phobia of Leeks.”
LL, I think several of your guy friends might be wrong.
I said “I” couldn’t see how that could be exciting. But then, 1) I’m straight 2) I’m a girl.. and 3) I’m living a pretty boring life.
Quick! Someone artistic design a Clothespin Chris and all my Chris-mas shopping is done!
Wish my shopping was that easy. But, I’m not artistic or creative.. unless you count all the kids games I can make out of a piece of rope, some chalk and a bouncy ball.
Sure, I’ll get right on it!
Oh, I thought you said autistic.
Never mind.
Shouldn’t Chris have Allah in his list of things he is not? Just out of respect for the guy who wants to live behind a mosque.
I’d trade in Katy Perry for any number of things , just to be rid of her.
Hmm, reread Chris’ demand. It’s probably actionable for failing to include an option “to affirm” for those persons unwilling or unable to swear an oath to a deity. Perhaps we should counter-enjoin Chris with notarized quit-claims for about $1000 each.Account OverdrawnCap’n, if you need funny money I can wire you some of my saving from Bank of the OhSnarks.
Sparky1: You Suck at Extortion
Sparky2: You Suck at – well, I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but for sure You Suck.
Whatever it is Sparky2 is trying to do, I certainly hope he sucks at it.
Maybe it’s really Jeff Dunham looking for more comic material for Achmed.
“Silence! I kill you!”
I’m going to tell Chris a really juicy secret about myself so he’ll pay me to not tell anyone about it. Of course, there actually aren’t any really juicy secrets about me, but somehow I don’t think Chris is too hung up on the whole reality thing.
As for Sparky 2, I suspect if I just stand back, something bad will happen to him without my having to do a thing.
If I’m remembering correctly, aren’t you from PA? We were state neighbors up north as well.
Chris tin a…you’ve fallen out of the nest! But since I’m sure you’re talking to me, “yes, from ol’ backwoods PA”. Well… at least where I grew up.
Oh crap, I sure did fall out. I thought I fixed that issue. Backwoods PA, that would be the northern part. I lived five minutes from the state line and frequently ran into what could almost pass for a TX country accent. Odder still, I’ve heard the same accent in Rochester and parts of Vermont.
kelli, oh, kelli! You can run but you can’t hide! 8) No use holding the babby up in front of you, either. Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Jeru-Salem!
Chris, the money collected by churches is not for God. God’s doing fine. Even in this economy. That money is for the poor and needy, or t0 support the church itself. So, even if you do allege you are Jesus, that money would not be for you. Best you could hope for out of alleging you’re Jesus is some nice lady might wash your feet for you. Or maybe a spot on “Oprah”. So… umm… good luck with that.
Not.A.Messiah.
Wait, do I _have_ to get it notarized for $100? Or can I get it done for less if I find a willing notary? Because otherwise, his reward is just going to make me break even. Lose some actually when we take into account the gas and faxing costs. So, I’d
Also, I am quite perplexed by the mosque setup – why would anyone want pictures of the back of a mosque? I mean I’ve never really wanted pictures of the front of one either, but it just seems like caring about just one angle of the mosque is a little strange.