YSaC, Vol. 876: Consider yourself scared of the furniture.
There’s nothing technically wrong with this ad, but …
Dresser (haunted)
I have a dresser with six drawers that I am looking to give away. It’s 4 feet tall by 3 feet wide by 2 feet deep. You’re welcome to it as long as you can pick it up. One word of caution though, I’m pretty sure its haunted. If you would like details on the possible hauntedness of it, please let me know.
No idea about the hauntedness of the dresser, so I’m going to pretend that it’s inhabited by underwear gnomes who take great pride in alphabetizing your underwear and your socks. Such a dresser would obviously have to adhere to the Conservation of Drawers Principle.
Haunted Futon (Make an Offer) (We will deliver)
We have an older futon, nothing really wrong with it, other than the fact that it seems to be haunted. The story about the “ghost” is a little PG-13, so email if interested.
Luckily for us, Laura was curious enough to email the seller and ask, and got this response: “Well To make it short. every man who has slept on it had a dream about being murdered and every woman had a dream about being raped. the stories have continued from several owners.”
Hmmm. Just out of curiosity, you don’t happen to have this doll lying around your house, do you? Or maybe an inexplicable hawk?
You know, I think we’re going to be lucky enough to be able to furnish an entire house out of haunted furniture!
HAUNTED BED*POLTERGEIST (SPIRITS)
First off, no I am not crazy. I have experienced a variety of psychic activity over the years but I choose not to live with it.
I bought this bed off of craigslist a year ago. It is a craftmatic type elecric bed made by clearwater matress. Upon gettin the bed home and set up we realized it did not come with the remote control. We called the owner and never did receive it.
I slept in the bed for about a week, it was very comfortable and peaceful. One night the blanket and shhet between my feet got really tight as if a cat jumped onto the end of the bed…..I don’t have a cat. A little freaked i shrugged it off and went back to sleep.
A few night later I felt a definate Buttocks sit on the corner of the bed, a small but, maybe a child or small woman. Now I was a little more concerned and I pulled the blankets over my head and prayed.
In the days to follow evertime I went into the bedroom the names Emily and Elizebeth would pop into my head. I remembered a book I also bought when I bought the bed, her son said her name was in it, I quickley checked but her name was Norma, no match.
All was quiet for a few days and then one night I was awkened to fell the matress under my hand be depressed, as if a fist was pushing into the matress in a one, two. three rythym, this woke me up and sure enough upon feeling the matress, again, the one ,two, three depression on the matress……….really freaked but eventually fell back to sleep.
My husband slept in the bed once and after a sonic boom he was awakened to the bed vibrating, even though it was not plugged in.
The last time I slept in this bed I was awoken to it swaying like a boat.
That’s when I said “game over” and moved the bed in the garage. That is where it has been ever since.
If your interested in the supernatural heres your opportunity…..I feel the spirit or spirits are harmless but seeing that the activity seemed to center around my grandaughters visit, while she was sleeping in the crib next to the bed, I will not take any chances.Make me an offer if your interested. Serious inquiries only. I have no time for foolishness
It’s a pretty good rule of thumb that if you have to start off something by saying, “First off, no I am not crazy,” that you are, in fact, crazy. Sure, it can start off fairly innocently, with “I’m not crazy, but isn’t that a weasel on your head?”… but it’s eventually going to end up with, “I’m not crazy, but Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo is the best movie ever.” And after that it’s all over.
haunted large antique mirror
2ft by 18in wooden mirror. beautiful scroll work on wood. Warning: may or may not be haunted by a woman ghost. ghost has never tried to harm us
But she is wearing a weasel on her head.
Thanks, Denise, Laura, and Brianne!
A sonic boom? I guess what strikes me the most is that I get the impression that the advertiser seems to feel being awakened by sonic booms in the middle of the night isn’t that unusual. Maybe they live in Area 51 or something.
The other forms of haunting are the result of the telekinetic aliens getting too into their truth-or-dare game.
Sounds like a poultergeist after my own heart.
I always promised my family that if I died and became a poltergeist I would haunt in subtle ways that would annoy rather than frighten. Hide car keys, rearrange cupboards, play video games at 3 in the morning, toss blue socks in with the whites and set the washer to hot, eat crumbly cookies on all the beds, and so on.
The road to madness is through a thousand little things and not overt haunting.
I’m waiting for someone to give away a haunted chicken. Then I could have my own poultrygeist that lays haunted eggs!
[Crap coming on at three in the morning corey] The house we lived in up in Maine was a funeral parlor for a while in the 40’s and we had some weird stuff happen in there. The best one was when “Super Troopers” was in the DVD player, and turned itself on at three AM in full surround sound glory. The title page is sirens and crashes, which sounded like Carmegeddon was happening downstairs in the living room. The best part was the windows were open and the noise woke the neighbors. [/AAIIIEEEE!!!!]
Oo! Are we telling ghost stories? Awesome! Who brought snacks?
I had one freaky experience with a call that actually was coming from inside the house. I used to have two numbers that came in on the same land line, the second number was a dummy number. One night the phone started ringing (about 3am) and would not stop. The caller ID showed my dummy number as the caller.
No, I did not answer the phone, I unplugged it from the jack. The phone company had no explanation either.
Christina, it’s a good thing you weren’t babysitting at the time, or you’d probably be dead … that’s the movie plot, right?
At the time I was living a block away from Rod Serling’s childhood house so I was more worried about answering the phone and talking to people who had been wished into the cornfield or dead grannies. Given the fact that the phone jack looked like it was installed in the forties, I’m going with a technology failure.
Especially for sarajean: In my last house, there was a light in the attic (no, not the book) that would keep coming on at random times. There didn’t seem to be a switch associated with it that I could ever find. Somehow, my ex and I convincingly blamed it on a ghost chicken.
So if you ever find yourself in the wilds of Glen Burnie, MD, I can probably hook you up with that chicken you’re after.
christina: Was the caller asking if you owned a small dog?
I’ve got a closet light that randomly turns itself on and off. That’s probably more of a wonky wiring thing than a spirit. Although I do keep my booze in that closet.
We had a haunted TV that would randomly change channels, go on mute, turn itself on or off, etc. Happened a few times at odd hours of the morning, which was pretty creepy. I ended up selling it for $20 to a college kid.
Ok, well it was really a shorted wire in the remote, but it was still kinda creepy… and annoying when fighting a boss and the channel changed.
Unfortunately I’ve not really had any real ghostly experiences… mostly due to my heap load of skepticism, technical knowledge, and curiosity. The flow of every spooky experience goes like this:
•Weird event happens and piques my interest.
•Curiosity gets the better of me and I start to deconstruct the event and anything involved in it.
•I find the underlying cause and have sated my curiosity.
•I’m called Captain Buzzkill by everyone else who experienced the event and were pulling out the Ouija boards.
I also lived 3 years in a dorm that was reputed to be extremely haunted. Talk about a disappointment. The spookiest thing that happened to me was the water always running cold halfway through my shower.
So it goes.
Let me go choke one for you…
What?
We had a haunted cookie jar once. The Oreos kept disappearing. The Bermuda Triangle of double-stuff.
Unfortunately, I traded it in for a food processor. And we all know how that turned out…..*sigh* Please make the weeping stop!
The stereo in my husband’s car comes on randomly. We think it has something to do with rough road or some such. I’ll have to come up with a more creative explanation. It can be very startling.
Thought the road to Madness went just east of Milwaukee . . .
Well it used to, but the lake now covers most of it.
After I went to see Paranormal Activity I came home and tried to go to sleep. My closet, which is evil anyway because the doors refuse to go on track and stay there, decided at that moment to shift open a little more and make this loud squeak noise. I just about jumped out of my skin. That’s my spooky night story, I didn’t have a freaky illusion, just a freaky noise. It was certainly enough.
That comment ended up in the wrong spot.
You’re made of stronger stuff than I, Christina. I’m pretty sure if that were me, it would have ended with all the phones and wires in the house smoldering in a heap on the floor while I sat perched, shifty-eyed on a chair in the corner with a knife and a wrench (and pretty much the entire Clue(do) arsenal) until dawn (or the fire department) arrived. (I am a bit…jumpy. I may have needed a light on at night after I watched the “Squeegal” episode of CSI…)
Don’t watch Paranormal Activity. I had the lights on for a week after going to a midnight showing. I can’t even watch Ghost Hunters on tv
BOO!
AHHHH! ITS HAMCAN!
*Clutches his chest and keels over*
You just keep quiet there Taco and make no comment about my favorite Roto-Rooter brigade.
Lara, under no circumstances play the game “Fatal Frame 2: Crimson Butterfly”.
I don’t believe in ghosts and that game still terrifies me in a deep way. I’ve never been able to play it for more than an hour at a time without incuring sleepless nights and horrible nightmares. My wife on the other hand loves it (and all the others of the series) but still requires me to fight the hard bosses for her. Luckily I can view the boss fights with a certain level of dispassion, since I’m usually trying to get back to my own game as quickly as possible.
Fatal Frame 2 is the game that taught me that, while I don’t believe in ghosts and they don’t frighten me as a reality, the IDEA that there could be ghosts terrifies the living daylights out of me.
It’s like knowing that there isn’t foot-eating a monster under your bed that will grab any foot that hangs over the edge of the bed, and still not risking hanging your foot over the edge while you try to fall asleep.
*shrieks, throws rope at puppy*
Damnit. I can never seem to use these weapons right. Meh. *goes back to tightening a bolt with a candlestick*
Good to know Taco, thanks 😀 I agree, I have never seen a ghost and I don’t believe in them but when I start thinking about the possibility it scares me. Paranormal Activity freaked me out mostly because it was a demon. I have this weird idea that if I don’t think I believe in demons than one might come and prove it exists. Its a quandary.
I took my nephew to see Paranormal Activity when it came out, it freaked him out something fierce. I was mainly interested in trying to figure out how they did the effects.
The worst scare I gave myself was a night or two after I had played that Fatal Frame game for the first time and was laying in bed alone freaking myself out thinking about deranged, tortured, evil ghosts coming to eat me. I made the mistake of rolling over and looking into my closet.
There was a woman standing there looking at me. I screamed* and hid under the covers until I eventually passed out from sheer exhausted terror. In the morning I figured out who the “woman” was.
I had hung my jacket in a spot where I usually didn’t hang it so that it combined with one of my wife’s jakets next to it and created a pretty convincing illusion of a torso when only lit by the street light filtering through our curtains. My expectant and terror striken mind had filled in the rest of the woman in the quick glance in the low light of the dark bedroom. I felt both relieved and extremely silly.
*It was totally a manly bellow or surprise and rage. Totally.**
**This may not be true.
Having been to some dark places and been the thing that goes bump in the night, there are times when I wonder if I died back then, and this is all Purgatory, as that would explain far too many things far too neatly.
And that latter is why it’s probably not the case.
Probably.
Capn, do you have as hard a time as I do proving that I’m not the only person who exists?
As a figment of my perceptions how do you validate your own existence Capn?
Kiss my definate buttocks, Taco. I am the only one who really exists. It is you who are the figment.
I did that to myself not long ago, TM. I had hung my respirator on the back of the bathroom door, where I keep a spare nightgown. I get up in the middle of the night, answer nature’s call, start shuffling back to bed and then start screaming like a little girl. The door had partially closed, and since I wasn’t wearing my glasses all I could see was this tall vague shape with great big black eyes and a shiny forehead (that would be the respirator)I woke up very quickly after that.
Today, is easy: Bursal angina; sinusoidal edema; pending dispepsia; idiopathic complaints of several sorts.
Old apartment had sliding closet doors with vinyl paper woodgrain over the masonite face of the door. Had a stick-on hook to hold up bathrobe. High-humidity county will de-adhese just about anything, given enough time. Middle of the dark, dark night, adhesive gives up its grip in a slow, slow ripping sound. Just enough to rouse from sleep to see robe as dark shape against closet door right alongside bed. Arms of robe did not accelerate at the same rate, looking as if raising up, to further complicate image in dark. About 6 grams from putting 180 grains through CoM in those milliseconds. Which would have been bad with the circuit breaker panel immediately behind that.
The Cap’n has to be real, I don’t think anyone else could come up with his unique turn of phrase.
Taco, I hate when that happens! Poor monsters, minding their own business under there, and when I fall asleep, my foot goes and munches one!
@LaKitta WAY up there:
This may seem strange, but after watching the first Weeping Angels episode of Doctor Who (don’t know what season), I couldn’t sleep for three days.
I was so bewildered I didn’t see the phrase turn about. If you find where it ended up please send it back, I miss it.
Ooh! My turn.
The most freaked out I’ve ever been: We were staying at my Aunt/Uncle/Cousins house in the mountains of Virginia for… I think Thanksgiving. It was a very windy night, and we were all bunking in my male cousin’s room. Suddenly, just as we’re starting to doze off, we hear a great thundering noise, like the whole house was somehow growling at us from everywhere. I can’t describe it exactly, but it was one of those noises that make some primal part of your brain have a panic attack and activate your flight response and/or bowels. It was something you’d expect to hear if you were trapped in a Stephen King novel. We think it was the wind going through something in the attic or somesuch, but we’re really not sure.
“Real” ghost stories fascinate me and I used to make a point of buying books of local stories whenever I moved to a new area – I’m profoundly sceptical and it can’t be a coincidence that so many of these stories take place in pubs, restaurants, hotels and stately homes. Fictional ghost stories, on the other hand, scare the living daylights out of me. I am no longer allowed to read M R James when alone in the house or after 8pm.
I’ve lived in no end of old supposedly haunted houses, once in an 18th century town house distinctly heard the (locked) front door open and someone walk up the stairs – the only other person in the house heard it too and thought it was me, while I’d thought it was them. But the most ‘haunted’ place was a modern house where we jokingly said that the landlord’s grandfather was still around. Odd things went missing, and we used to switch the tv on and find the digibox set to MTV (which we never really watched) with the volume up loud. From time to time strange things would turn up in the middle of the floor in the living room which would invariable turn out to be the missing bit of a broken cupboard door or some such. The house before last it was smells – usually cigarette smoke or pungent garlic sausage. I remain convinced there are logical explanations.
My grandmother had been a beautician and kept all of her wig mannequins in the spare bedroom. I hated staying there because I was terrified to fall asleep with them staring at me.
Does anyone know what “Weeping Angels” are? Go to Google, go to images, and type in “doctor who weeping angel.” Creepy as hell. And they only attack when you close your eyes or look away. Thusly, my fear of closing my eyes while in the dark, plus seeing every shadow outside as a figure.
NMN, most of us are big Dr. Who fans. I made a Don’t Blink reference in the last few days. And then there’s the Dalek in a tutu 😀
But yes, the weeping angels were creeeeeptastic.
The smells one is easy, if it is particularly humid, long dried on smells become active. Which explains why when I turn on the AC here in the apartment it smells like sweaty ham ashtray, thanks to the previous tenant. (My current landlady.)
I know someone whose relatives lived in a house where all of the women – of all ages, no matter where they slept – all had incubus dreams. All of this furniture would be perfect!
And, hey, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo is the best movie ever, except for Krush Groove!
Did any of them get pregnant and blame it on the incubus?
No, several of them were too old, anyway. The dreams did stop when they moved. This was, apparently, a bit of a pity, because they were uniformly reported as “the best.” 8)
I wondered about that.
This “house of the incubus dreams”, Lola… Would you happen to have the address? I’m, uh, interested in the paranormal. Yeah, we’ll go with that.
It’s somewhere in the Bronx, that’s all I know. Part of me would like to know more, part of me wants to run, run away.
You could always go door to door until you find it.
:ding-dong:
“Hello, sir and/or madam. Could you tell me if you have frequent intense dreams of an erotic nature featuring a male spirit?”
This sounds like a great plan for the next YSaC meet up/field trip/druken escapade.
All we need now are matching t-shits for the Great Incubus Hunt!
And possibly some sort of comprehensive health insurance.
I wonder if we would need some kind of liability insurance, too… But hey, I’m not a lawyer, I just
play one on TVwatch them on TVknow a couple people on The Interwebs who are lawyers.Wait, there it is!
I’m totally in. What could go wrong?
I think it would be more of a scavenger hunt.
Hi, I’m on a scavenger hunt, and I need to find someone who has had intense dreams of a sexual nature on a regular– *slam*
Great Incubus Hunt T-Shit
That’s a great lion on the front there!
Oh! You beat me to it!
Is it pathetic that I immediately thought they were dreaming about the band? I was wondering why that would be so bad, unless they really really hated their music.
Hahahahahaha, no I don’t think these ladies, particularly given their age and culture, would be aware of the band of that name. I had to explain it to the friend who was telling me the story.
Electrical engineers usually have tesla dreams.
Then who dreams of electric sheep?
That’s Androids EclecticBlue, duh!
My Android does. :p
Jinx!
My computer does sometimes, too! Sometimes during cube pow-wows, my screensaver will come on, and people get distracted staring at it :-p
Also: Data probably does, too.
Electric Light Orchestra?
Great minds Christina, great minds.
Probably fair, some of us having cohabitated with serial succubii
New from Kelloggs, Cereal Succubii! The best way to start your morning!
MMMMM Succubus. Wait, don’t they kill you afterwards?
Naah, NMN, I think that’s praying mantiii.
[corey]From what I can remember, succubi were female demons who attacked young men in their sleep, draining them of “life energy” in a process that closely resembles T-shirt time. If you did die, you’d die happy.[/corey]
[additional corey]
Interestingly, Succubi are also the children of Lilith, the first, discarded wife of Adam. Turns out she was too willful in her desires to be considered the equal of Adam and was chased from eden in favor of the more subservient Eve. She held a grudge against all men because of this.
Thus the Succubi were born to Lilith in order that she might seek revenge on men in their dreams, causing little embarrassing oopses in the night and draining off life. Supposedly they were more interested in controlling the men and making them betray themselves with lust than they were in killing them.
However, in some pagan lore, Succubi could become protective and attached to a man. They would warn them of danger, drive off unclean and unfaithful women, and drive off evil spirits.
[/corey]
[Yet more corey] In Clive Barkers’ “Weaveworld”, A succubus does her thing to the main character and a sort of golem is formed to defeat him and take his place. [/corey]
muselei or kashi with powdered soy milk hungover with dysentery would still be better than breakfast with succubus or succubii.
kill? no, more like randomly reversing the ph of various cellular parts until they become bored and seek out some more evil task to devote to.
I had a nerdy friend in college who liked to tell us that he lost his virginity to the Succubus from Symphony of the Night. He also referred to playing Tomb Raider as spending quality time with his girlfriend.
Just to weird you out, there is actually a succubus men’s sex toy. What strange things I learn from blogs.
Now to totally cross the line, there is also one called Succu-dry. It has these vicious teeth on it. I think I read The Bloggess to much.
Looking for haunted furniture that will make me hover 6-8 inches above it. Otherwise, not interested.
Could be persuaded to accept a mirror that lets me rotate my head a full 360.
I just need a place to store my haunted underpants and possessed socks.
They keep teleporting to a pile in the laundry room.
All my haunted jewelry keeps selling itself on eBay.
You would think non-corporeal entities would be less materialistic.
As Mindfield explained, even Santa needs to earn money.
So it’s true, then, Hammy – the devil is in your pants.
The devil went down on Hammy, he was looking for…
*Blushes*
Gotta go…
Well, I get contradictory opinions…I hear either OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD or SO HOT SO HOT SO HOT, so I’m a little confused as to the good vs evil quotient.
If they’re experiencing a hot, burning sensation, you might want to have that checked out.
Hammy, I told you to stop making your women wear those inflatable sumo wrestler suits. That plastic isn’t exactly breathable, you know.
I thought de devil was in de tail.
That’s why puppies wag their tails so much; it pisses the devil off.
He gets wicked bad motion sickness.
ZUUUUUL!
I find her interesting because she’s a client and because she sleeps above her covers… four feet above her covers.
There is a reason I have a man crush on you IF.
Ok, well the reason is really the Dr. Horrible outfit, but I can pretend it’s deeper than that.
Awww… now I’m all blushing and stuff.
It’s the goggles. They are
chickTaco magnets.“I have no time for foolishness”. But I do have time to keep a haunted bed in my garage and write a full-page account of its activities on Craigslist.
I have a definate Buttocks.
Definate Buttocks – band name of the day!
(Though I do hate to recommend a band name that’s not even spelled properly.)
You can break it up – De Fin Ate Buttocks – and it’s mostly spelled right.
I have an indefinite buttocks.
Well, if you’d stop moving around, Taco, it would stop jiggling and we could see the definition more clearly.
Personally, I use Google to define my buttocks.
I have ill-defined buttocks.
Unless you count round as a shape.
I prefer having defiant buttocks. Glutes with ‘tude. A bad ass, if you will. You don’t come round here talkin’ that smack talk. Anything you say to me, you say to my butt, but expect to be answered in kind from both barrels. You wanna piece o’ me? You gotta come through my butt first.
Whoa, wait … on second thought, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
Mindfield, there’s a guy in leather here asking for you … except he keeps getting your name wrong and calling you “Sweet Cheeks.”
Chico? I mean — who? No, never mind, tell whoever that is to go way, I don’t know him, we’ve never met, and his riding crop is in his mailbox.
Then again, if you have defiant buttocks perhaps you have an ass that just won’t quit.
That’s okay. We’ll get Sarah Palin to front it and take on the flute solos. We’ll be an all-Jethro Tull and Moody Blues cover band.
Sara Palin’s favorite song is by The Who…
…out here in the fields
I shot all my meals….
as interpreted by Bill “Baba” O’Riley
*Yawn*
Rough night on a haunted bed, Hammy?
His doll kept waking him up.
The hawk kept scaring it.
It was running from the
Giant Carnivorous Birdinvoluntarily gigantized herbivorously-challenged avian.*files away idea for meme-based “The House that Jack Built” style story*
And by “not live with it” she means “slept on it for a while, didn’t like it, put it in the garage, made up a story, and then tried to sell it on CraigsList”.
I wonder if Sparkles tried scaring the ghost away with a stud finder or some other blinking electronic gizmo? It seems to work on TV.
I could scare it away.
*Makes a cabbage and bean casserole*
That scares everyone away.
Last night while getting chinese takeout, overheard one lady describing kimchi to her nephew. It was quite… graphic.
Kimchi is HIGHLY graphic without being ingested
*Gets my Zippo fired up….*
Fire in the hole, Hammy!
*Mushroom cloud*
Hmmm, maybe a little less cabbage next time…Don’t worry Mudsy, eyebrows grow back.
Trust me. My eyebrows were no where NEAR that!
8)
If stud finders can scare ghosts, that makes them 100% more useful than I’ve previously observed.
*Yes, I was trying to find support lumber in my walls, not walking around the mall searching for men.
Oh damn, I’ve been using stud finders wrong all these years. No wonder I got weird looks at the bar.
You mean the guys didn’t offer to tell you how to use your tools correctly, little lady? Or offer to show you theirs instead? That’s what used to happen when I took mine.
What?
Potato Peeler (haunted)
I have a potato peeler that I am looking to give away. It’s 4 inches tall by 3 inches wide by 2 inches deep. You’re welcome to it as long as you can pick it up. One word of caution though, I’m pretty sure it’s haunted. The details of the possible hauntedness of it is that every time I use it, I hear a little French girl weeping. Or it could be the TV, I’m not really sure.
That’s a description of my [haunted] dildo. Every time I use it, I hear Johnny Depp weeping. I just turn up the TV.
Wanna buy my haunted food processor? It makes a slamming basil pesto just as long as you use holy water instead of olive oil.
Sounds more like a pickle…
Sometimes it’s referred to as Vlasic. And then later on it’s called Vlaccid.
From what I understand, Johnny Depp thinks he’s a little french girl. Corollary?
More like a coronary. 😉
Yes Smedley, I heard that. It’s what he told Disney when they had their coronary about Captain Jack Sparrow’s ‘orientation’.
:raises hand:
I volunteer to be his beard.
Is he Madeline?
Amelie?
More like Tootsie…
Madeline? No, Parkay!
Can you name a bed with a bunch of ghosts,
Smells like death and has four posts,
Haunted Bed! Haunted Bed!
It’s 6 foot long by 5 foot wide,
You’ll be bothered by folk… all of whom died.
Haunted Bed! Haunted Bed!
Hey Hey!
Hey.
I just had the worst night. Nothing made the bed move in a way that can’t be explained, no odd visions, no strange dreams, I slept straight through. I really could use a haunted bed!
I often sense small points of pressure on my bed when I’m asleep, but that’s because my cats think I’m some sort of snoring space heater.
I have similar experiences while trying to sleep: small, usually-light pressure points on my face when I am no longer sufficient as a space heater and must pet him as well.
I have that, too, SJ and Lola. And that’s a problem – if I had Sparkette’s haunted Craftmatic, I wouldn’t know it because I’d just assume it was either a kitteh or Mr. JD. I wouldn’t wake up.
I probably wouldn’t notice a “ghost” unless it started doing jumping jacks on the bed. Even then I’d probably blame it on Firefly.
I didn’t know junker spaceships could do jumping jacks… The things you learn here!
Ah, your cat. Carry on.
:-p
Man, I hate those effing exercising ghosts.
“Oh, thank God you’re here, Jason and Grant! Every night, it’s the same thing. My stereo turns on by itself and plays up-tempo music, then I hear a series of thumping noises and heavy breathing. Then every once in a while an evil, chipper voice says, “feel the burn!” Please, make it stop!”
Bwa-ha-ha. I didn’t absorb the part about them being exercising ghosts and was concerned as to why someone was chippering “Feel the burn!” during… thumping and heavy breathing activities.
It’s really sad about the Fat Ghost. Every night, he works and works to lose pound after pound, but in only a matter of days his lost weight returns to haunt him.
Look, it’s Death Bed‘s creepy little cousin, Nightmare Futon!
Don’t forget its other cousin:
Deathbed
I’ve seen both movies and I’d be hard pressed to decide which was worse.
The third sequel to that move is called Bedhead.
It’s absolutely chilling!
Followed by the box office smash, Morning Breath.
Followed by the critically despised but colossal commercial success, Afternoon Delight.
And then there is the movie “Hard Morning”
Let me see if I can guess the plot of Nightmare Futon …
College students acquire the bed, have sex/take drugs (not necessarily in that order) on it and die horribly.
Bed is put at curb or dumpster for removal; impoverished, unaware student is curb shopping/dumpster diving and takes it home; scenario repeats. Etc. And again.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
The Nightmare Futon was tragically killed in a fire set by an elderly group of couches looking to avenge the death of a high chair, the fumes from the burning polyester drove it mad shortly before it was consumed by the flames. Now it has mysteriously reappeared to enter the dreams of those who slumber upon it and … (dun-dun-DUN!) make them really uncomfortable!
Brings new meaning to the saying:
“Sleep tight. Don’t let your futon bite!”
I haven’t had a problem with my futon biting me since I got a muzzle for it. It still growls occasionally but I just turn up the TV.
A muzzle? Good to know in case my tempur-pedic throws a tempur tantrum.
A little foaming at the mouth is common in that species.
And be wary of buying mattresses off of Craigslist! You may never YSaC again!
I have a haunted keyboard. It inserts *kibble* words into anything I type right when I’m about to *strudel* post it somewhere. I can’t see them until after I’ve *squeak* posted it so I have no idea what’s going to be there until it’s *pudding* too late to *humpty-hump* do anything about it. I can’t edit and *bacon* remove them because they’ll *bacon* just come back — different words, different places, but *BACON* there they will be. And they don’t seem to many any *Snausages* sense either. I don’t think this ghost wants *in a blanket* anything. It just wants to screw with me.
*Alpo sucks*
You have the tower of Babel keyboard, the agents from warehouse 13 will be along to collect it shortly.
After which the HamCan puppy brigade will relocate it to The Orbiting Cave of Technological Wonders and investigate it …
Area 52 is really far more secure.Nothing to see here, move along now . . .
Mmmmm… bacon…
Thank you Miss Lola. Why does everybody bag on B2:EB? Very deft choreography by my girl Lucinda.
If you’re going to diss dance movies, “White Nights”, anyone?
Dammit, I loved White Nights. Even if it did have songs from Phil Collins and Lionel Richie.
What? I was in early adolescence, and it was the mid-’80s.
I crave your forgiveness, Miss Lola. I just think those two could have been put to better use than that hackneyed drivel. I don’t know… buddy movie about an American cop and a Russian cop, with dancing? Like “Red Heat”, but with actors.
Totally (as an adult, presumably with a degree of taste) agree – if you’re going to put Baryshnikov and Hines (RIP) in something – and for that matter, have them supported by Isabella Rossellini and Helen Mirren – you could do better. These days the best cut of that film would be strictly the dancing scenes.
… Man, I thought I was the only person who remembered or cared about that movie!
Shhh… They’ll take away my Man Card.
I liked White Knights too. But then again, I thought Water World rocked.
Mikhail Baryshnikov and Gregory Hines at their prime. I think they caused Lionel Richie to decide to dance on the ceiling.
I also liked White Nights, but, like Lola, I was a young, impressionable
girlmoose at the time.I, too, loved White Nights. I’ll watch anything with Baryshnikov and/or Helen Mirren in it.
I liked the breakdance movies of those days. But then I liked the music and was kinda into breakdancing back in those days. (Yes, that’s right, go ahead and picture my avatar doing the worm, the windmill, pop & lock, the robot, etc.) Didn’t last long for me — still think the music is funky, but dancing has never been my thing except for that brief period, so once the whole breakdance thing faded I lost interest.
But the movies are still fun to watch. Saw White Nights, too. Probably a bit of an odd way to frame that kind of movie I suppose, thought it was a bit dull, really. Now, pairing Hines and Crystal in Running Scared, there was some magic. Nothing to do with dance other than that Hines starred in it, I just liked that movie.
Newest movie in my player, “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World”. There’s dancing in it, but very little. What it mainly does is rock. Out loud. I picture Miss Lola as “Ramona” in her youth.
Michael Cera is also in it, and he is not as distasteful as usual. There you go, another fun movie idea from Smedley.
I loved that movie, especially the Vegan Powers of the one boyfriend. I am vegetarian and I don’t get super powers sadly. Perhaps I am not righteous enough about it. I just sit here and eat my veggies and don’t care what anyone else eats.
Thanks for the South Park meme of the Underpants Gnomes and one of my favorite characters—Tweek!
🙂
Are underwear gnomes and panty pixies the same thing?
Panty pixies tend to like to sprinkle flavored sugar powder out of straw containers all over your thongs. Like glitter but without the sparkle. But they make your unmentionables taste dee-licious!!!
[PSA] Sugar and unmentionables don’t mix. The sugar will encourage the growth of things that should be growing there. [/PSA]
Sweet!
*Soaks my boxers in maple syrup*
Leave it to the lab rat to point that out. I guess I’ll be throwing out my candy-necklace-socks then. Thanks AR! *snicker*
And HamStir…all I have to say is….”get a look at the size of those sea monkeys!”
There ya go, Hammy. Maybe now you’ll get some culture.
*things that should NOT be growing there…
What a difference one word makes.
Between a friend who was a sex info counselor in undergrad and having pathogenic yeast in the lab, yeah, I know these things. They’re not pretty things to know.
*Milky Way*
If you think you’re going to tell us that “Milky Way” has to do with anything besides our galaxy or those yummy yummy candy bars, then you can just shut your trap.
Or put mittens on, or something.
I do NOT want any mental images associated with yeast or netherbits when I bite into a candy bar.
( 🙂 )
AR was counter-punching my *snickers*…
Nothing more to see here….move along….
🙂
*Three Musketeers Bar*
Wow, apparently it took me four hours to understand what the fudgenuggets you were talking about…
*raises hand* Waiter! Some more of that fantastic cough syrup cocktail, please!
I’m not familiar with that candy.
*Almond Joy*
The underwear gnomes were a little unclear on the concept, though. As I recall, when Kyle asked what their business plan was, they said:
1. Steal underpants
2.?????
3.?????
[underpants gnome corey]
Actually, step 3 was profit.
We use that joke quite a bit here :).
[/underpants gnome corey]
Is that where that joke is from? I didn’t remember that they included “profit” – I thought about including it because of the joke we always use here, but thought the underpants gnomes only wanted underpants – not profit.
Guess I should have a little more of this delicious, robust coffee. It makes me feel like I’m on a large ranch, with my Grandpappy, telling me stories of how things used to be…
Here a picture from the episode of their buisness model.
The reason it comes up is because the kids need to make money (or something, can’t remember exactly) and want the gnomes to teach them about buisness. So the gnomes show off their plan to make profit from the stolen underpants.
http://quinnell.us/sspb/wiki/images/gnomes.png
ROFL – it was worth looking like a doofus just for that picture.
The word that would best describe this furniture is haunted
I touch the clothes you left behind
I feel the ghosts within my mind, still haunted
I trace the outline of your bed
We’re in the mirror, hypnotized and haunted
I find a solitary butt-print and I am convinced, it’s haunted
Haunted by your drawers
Haunted by your sheets
Haunted by your clothes
Haunted by your bed
By your drawers, by your sheets
By your clothes, by your bed
By your covers, by your futon
By your dresser, by your listing
By your drawers, by your sheets
By your clothes, by your bed
By your covers, by your futon
By your dresser, haunted
So this is for when you deliver the bed
And this is for bringing the futon
And this is for bringing the mirror and dresser
Ohh, when the linens drag
Ohh, when the linens drag
Hello? I’d like to file a restraining order. Can I specify the distance to keep them away? I’d like to request he be moved to Chile.
In case you were wondering…
I’m really not a psycho. Today.
Well, where’s the fun in that?
Oh, and work has blocked whatever the link is to… so, it’s Friday… go nuts.
Guess they don’t want you watching YouTube at work. Either that or they’ve blocked it to prevent your IQ from being diminished by the mere presence of the comments, which is totally understandable.
It’s a parody of “Haunted (When the Minutes Drag)” by Love & Rockets, an 80s goth band (formerly Bauhaus).
Also, I love chili. Chili with Tabasco and some bread.
Chili with toasted peanut butter sandwiches. For dipping, of course!
Do you have stuffed birds and a skeleton mother Mindfield?
Chili and peanut butter have no business being friends. I’ll take my chili spicy with beans and meat and plain or buttered toast, thank you. Maybe a little grated cheese. I’ll use the leftovers to slather over some hot dogs or nachos.
This is why I love YSaC. Today we had White Nights and Love and Rockets (and correctly refered to as formerly Bauhaus) and it’s only lunch time. 🙂
Not to mention haunted pickles and maple syrup boxers!
And Norman Bates! But only when Norman is alone.
Tried toasting peanut butter; toaster was haunted after that . . .
No chili and peanut butter? But what about Pad Thai?
I prefer Kung Pao, christina, but now you have me thinking about pad thai …
You prefer Kung Pao Christina? I don’t think she’d appreciate that. Didn’t we just have the Sum Yung Gai conversation? :-p
(Yes, I know you have your comma in there. I’m just feeling weird today.)
I had Thai for lunch. Lava hot red curry over Thai fried noodles, rice, with a fried Siam spring roll. Served with a small bowl of noodle soup.
I crawled back into work.
No Pad Thai for me. If I wanted nuts with my dinner I’d have a steak and watch Fox News. Just not a fan of nutty flavours in cooking I guess, and don’t like actual nuts in the food, it throws off the consistency too much. I didn’t actually mind the flavour of Pad Thai at all, it was just the presence of the peanuts. I do love Thai food otherwise.
My coworkers and I are all curryheads. There’s a place a few miles away that has a lunch special–$5.99 for curry, rice, and appetizer. Yummmm… I didn’t go today though, because I have my fantastic homemade massaman in the fridge downstairs. Mmmm…. Massaman…..
At our place it’s $6.99 for the special, but we live in “teh big citeh!” so things cost more in general. But they have the best curry I’ve ever found anywhere, which is odd that it beats just about every Thai place I’ve ever eaten at, including the few dozne places I’ve sampled in the PNW. Never thought I’d find awesofantasimogorical curry in Milwaukee.
Also, set an extra place for dinner. The word “Massaman” automatically means I’m invited.
*Drool*
Well hey, I’m hosting A Very Curry Christmas Party on the 18th, so whoever wants to come to the land of no alkyhol is welcome to show up :-p
Taco, did you ever go to Galanga Thai in Tacoma? MMMMMmmmmm….
Galanga is definately in my top 10. I think I ate there twice with my parents.
Going to Thai with my parents is awesome by the way. They order like 10 things and then go at it family style. A great way to sample a lot of what a Thai joint has to offer in one sitting.
Generally I rank a Thai restaraunt in 5 categories:
Curry
Pad (Sieu and Thai mostly)
Thai Barbeque Soup
Spring Rolls (Fried and Fresh)
Other Dishes
The place we go once a week for curry is ranked #1 on the list for both curry and spring rolls, #2 on the list for soup, #3 for Other Dishes (Their oyster beef is AWESOME), and #7 for Pad dishes (Their Sieu is great, but their Pad Thai is much differant than other places, closer to stir fry than the soupy noodles that is more common; too dry for my taste).
But their Curry is so damn good, I consider the place #1 over all Thai places, and #2 in all curry. The only place that is better is this Indian Curry hut on the south side of Milwaukee. They have a Beef Vindaloo that is so good you’d be willing to indenture yourself for it. It’s sad that it’s too long a drive to go to for lunch.
Mmm. Curries. Loves me some butter chicken, curried spinach, maybe a little paneer (not too much — not big on the paneer) and a nice fluffy stack of naan.
I think I know what I want for dinner tonight.
Geeze, Limey, what did Chile ever do to you?
Well, I WAS going to pick Argentina, but I heard they cry.
Furniture Bash By Shel Silverstein
The hand of the clock
Pinched the foot of the bed,
So the foot of the bed
Kicked the seat of the chair,
So the seat of the chair
Sat on the head of the table,
So the head of the table
Bit the leg of the desk,
So the leg of the desk
Bumped the arm of the couch,
So the arm of the couch
Slapped the face of the clock,
And they pinched and they punched
And they banged and the knocked,
And they ripped and they flipped,
And they rolled and they rocked,
And the poor dresser drawer
Got a couple of socks.
There was sawdust and springs
When I turned on the light
After that horrible furniture fight.
And that’s the truth, no lie– – no joke.
That’s how your furniture
All got broke.
You sure that wasn’t by Shelf Silverstein?
Drawer your own conclusions………..
I’ll check that out with the FBI—Furniture Bureau of Investigation.
In my experience with haunted dressers, they often have an extra, ethereal drawer or two that only shows up in pictures but are, for some reason, not counted when writing the advertisment for Craigslist.
This always happens when they pass through the CatMath Vortex!
I think CatMath is why I had so much trouble in Algebra back in the day
I believe those extra drawers fall under the “much more, too many to list” category.
New from F. Hoffmann-La Roche it’s the roofieuton, now with 50% more flunitrazepam.
Somewhere between “I’m not crazy” and “I have no time for foolishness” is a lot of crazy foolishness.
*Lobs a door*
Maybe her ad was ghostwritten. That would certainly have freed up a few minutes for her more important things like listening to the white noise between radio stations.
I find that when people start off conversations with “First off, I’m not crazy,” it’s almost always followed by proof to the contrary.
That’s SOP for anyone who wants to deny that what they’re about to say is what they’re saying it’s not.
“Not to be rude, but you smell like falafel.”
“I’m not one to gossip, but I hear Bill bought a merkin.”
“Not to be contradictory, but you couldn’t be more wrong if you said that mole on Lemmy’s face was the one doing the singing.”
Is anyone else getting the “Safetouch” ad? The ad itself isn’t amusing, but compared to what we’re talking about, it makes me giggle.
Yes. I just assumed it was sponsored by the Poncho moose. Because “itchy” is all I can think of.
Ponchomoose? I love those guys.
Looks like somebody needs some Ritalin…..
Ah, yes, I see you’ve found my side project.
I want to be her bass.
How about her cod?
For what porpoise?
Eh, just for the halibut.
I hear that they have to be very strict about musical direction, as otherwise they will just flounder around.
Yep, safetouch, the insulation with only 20% less itch; and is still only 20% effective FG insulation . . .
Apt on so many levels.
To be fair, it’s also 40% more expensive.
Wait…
“really freaked but eventually fell back to sleep.”
Obviously they were very very disturbed by this bed.
“Oh Gods, there’s a ghost!”
“Well, you could go sleep on the couch?”
“Screw that, this bed is comfy. Tell the ghost to stop hogging the covers.”
Treat that apparition to a Dutch Oven. It’ll leave you alone……….
*snergle*
Been eating too many beans, Coffy?
Must of had some of Hammy’s casserole.
I am highly amused by the fact that Sparkles had multiple encounters with the “ghost” spanning several nights, but her husband spent one night in the bed before calling it quits. Maybe she was hoping for an incubus dream.
Or maybe the husband’s dream of the succubus … sucked.
Wouldn’t that be a good thing?
Depends on how hard it sucked.
I don’t know, that might be a hard on to measure.
I’m holding out for a bed and/or mirror haunted by early 90’s-era Steve Perry.
So you’re holding out for a HAIR-o?
underwear gnomes who take great pride in alphabetizing your underwear
Is it bad that I’m still trying to figure out how one would alphabetize one’s underwear?
C = comfortable
H = has some holes
F = favorites
or is it done by color?
G = green
B = blue
P = pink
What if I have a pair that is green and comfortable and one of my favorites?
I feel like I have spent way too much time thinking about this, today.
There is no such thing as too much time spent thinking about alphabetizing. Join the OCD
madnessfun!I once had undies with the days of the week on them. COULD NOT wear Tuesday on Monday. Had to get rid of them when Friday developed holes. Sigh.
That is fascinating, Lara, because I have the same weird idea, but in reverse. I think if I DO believe in demons, then that is when they can be real. But I really liked Paranormal Activity. I’ve heard the second one sucks, tho.
I thought Paranormal Activity was brilliant because it used the most effective tool in cinema, imagination. It left it to the audience to imagine what this thing really was like. It scared the crap out of me though. In fact I better stop thinking about it given I need to go to bed.
“In the days to follow evertime I went into the bedroom the names Emily and Elizebeth would pop into my head. I remembered a book I also bought when I bought the bed, her son said her name was in it, I quickley checked but her name was Norma, no match.”
Well, that explains everything. I’m so glad Sparky cleared that up. SOLD!
And it looks like the part of your brain that allows you to spell your own name correctly must be one of the first bits to go.
I am currently sitting outside in 30-below weather waiting to be picked up from college. I barely have an internet connection, I have no gloves, and all the buildings on campus closed at 4:30. I hate my life right now…
Ok, listen very carefully, NMN, first you need to find yourself a Tauntaun, alive or dead it doesn’t matter, but it’ll probably freeze to death before you will for some reason.
Second you’ll need a lightsaber…
To condense Taco’s statement:
1. Find Tauntaun and Lightsaber.
2. ???
3. Profit!!!
Well played, sir.
On which step do you steal the Tauntaun’s underpants?
1. Find Tauntaun and Lightsaber.
2. ???
3. Warmth!!!
Technically it’s warmth+nasty guts all over you.
Good grief, NMN, where do you live, Antarctica?
I guess I phrased that wrong. Not 30 below zero, 30 or lower.
And that would be Maryland.
You missed a step:
1. Tauntaun and lightsaber.
2. SMELL!
3. ???
4. Warmth.
Bad news… I just got this error when refreshing the page:
It was within the last 20 minutes or so (I refreshed the page and then switched tabs, so I didn’t notice right away) which puts it between 17:30 and 17:53 Mountain time. But then I refreshed again, and the site came back up.
I haven’t heard from my hosting provider since the last email I sent them, so I haven’t made any changes in the last two days. I’ll ping them again and see what we can find out. Thanks for the update!
Almost like these pages were haunted – Haunted House Sounds…..
For what it’s worth I hadn’t been getting any crashes on the site at work for the last several days, which is a good thing.
So, I’ve been away. But I see that I am in the box. Do we call it a Golden Lotus? Will Windrose be along later to punch me? Does anyone know where the helmet is?
LRC, my homemoose, the answers to your questions are:
1.) Not if I have anything to say about it
2.) Yes
3.) Last time I saw it I was making AR wear it after her shower head trauma
Congratulations on your nonsuckitude!
I’ve had the song from the post title in my head all day. It’s finally wondered off. Now I have Starlight Express.
No, really, you’re welcome.
Yeah, I had it in my head intermittently, too.
And now it’s back.
Starlight Expresssssssss, answer me yes……..
LurtktktktktRealClose! I think this is your first time in the box. Or someone has finger-stutters. Punchity Punch Punch! Pardon me while I wipe the lice off my brass knuckles. 8)
G’Night, Hill House!
Hill House FTW. Have you ever seen House on Haunted Hill from 1959 with Vincent Price? It is a hoot. One of the guys slams into a wall and wears a bandage around that looks like a nicotine patch. I highly recommend watching it for the laughs and camp.
#3 needs to do some research on sleep paralysis.