YSaC, Vol. 818: Some boys hug me, some boys kiss me, some probably aren’t going to file withholding..

2010 October 13

tattooist


I need one more professional tattooist for my downtown ###### shop. we will be catering to the 35-60 demographic. This shop is an ideal location that will attract the professional urbanite as opposed to the broke hipster. My vision is not the normal tattoo shop. When you see it you’ll understand. this is gonna set the new benchmark for the industry. I need a good clean tattooist instead of a sloppy pre madonna tattoo artist. ############@gmail.com . Send portfolio and contact info.

This will be totally confidential so as to not screw up your current employment.

Now, just a minute… I understand you’re trying to appeal to an older clientele, but just because you hope your CUSTOMERS will be older, are you going to insist that your employees are as well?

According to the source of all knowledge and wisdom, namely, a cursory Google search, the Material Girl is 52 years old. So if you want a “pre Madonna” tattoo artist, you’re overly limiting the applicant pool. (And if you’re actually referring to the Virgin Mary, I think you’re REALLY going to be out of luck.)

Also, I’m very puzzled by the line about not screwing up your current employment. Wouldn’t you want to hire someone to be a tattoo artist who is presently working as, oh, I don’t know…. a tattoo artist? I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my skin permanently decorated by a moonlighting fry cook.

Thanks for the horror, Emily!

319 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 October 13
    sarajean80 permalink

    I foresee a rash of submissions to Ugliest Tattoos in the near future.

    Adores: 9
    • 2010 October 13

      I just foresee a rash…and blotches…

      Adores: 15
    • 2010 October 13
      NotMyName permalink

      There’s a key to getting good tattoos (in theory; I don’t have one). One, make sure you get a tattoo that actually means something in your life, and be sure that it will continue to define your life for years. Two, get a tattoo in an area where the skin does not usually stretch, i.e. the upper back, near the shoulders. Do Not get tattoos of people, unless they are your children. Boyfriend-girlfriend and husband-wife relationships can change, thus making that name on your chest the name of a person you dated for 3 weeks back in 1995.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 13
        NotMyName permalink

        I just now noticed that I’ve been commenting on the new ad of the day. Oops.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13
        sarajean80 permalink

        The back of the neck is a good area too, that’s where mine is.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13
        kelli permalink

        My ex, the idiot, got my initials tattooed on his ankle. He’s now on his third wife and my initials are still are his ankle. He gives excuses as to why he hasn’t had it removed or changed; my favorite being that “the initials are too cool to remove.”

        Adores: 8
  2. 2010 October 13

    [tattooyoucorey]Oldest daughter-child got a silly smiley flower face tattoo on her abdomen when she was 18-19 yrs. old – don’t know exactly she didn’t tell me till years later. Fast-forward to post-childbirth and silly smiley face now looks like a deranged clown…too funny. Other daughter child had a Playboy bunny put on her abdomen (what is up with the placement of these things??) and post-baby and post-60+ lb. weight loss and the bunny has REALLY long ears. LOL [/endtattooyoucorey]

    Adores: 10
    • 2010 October 13
      NotMyName permalink

      Hmmm….teenage (I’m assuming) daughter gets Playboy bunny tattoo on her abdomen. Bet she was popular. No offense intended. Seriously, no offense meant.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 October 13

        NMN…no worries…she was engaged at the time and her fiance (now hubby) was with her when she got it.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          Tankerbell permalink

          Yeah, that’s fine for that daughter, but I do feel sorry for the one with Depressy the Clown on her abdomen.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 13

          Tanker…it’s some funny sh*t…I tell ya, every time I see it I point, laugh, and get the “look”…LOL

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 October 13
      TacoMagic permalink

      Yeah, I’d only put a tattoo on a part of the body that doesn’t change shape as you get older. Like the ankle!

      *Ankles start to swell*

      Haha! It looks like my tiger has been hitting the Crispy Creme!

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 October 13
        NotMyName permalink

        Don’t you mean your Not.A.Lion has been hitting the Crispy Creme?

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          Lola permalink

          [copy editor corey] Krispy Kreme [/copy editor corey]

          Sorry, that was bugging me and I’m still insufficiently caffeinated. As you were.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Oh yeah…most of the Krispy Kremes in the Baltimore area shut down about 12 years ago, so you only see them in Royal Farms and the like. Also, I havn’t had a Krispy Kreme donut for a long time now.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          Yeah, I noticed it right after I hit the submit button. But with no more editing privileges, you’ll probably notice a sharp decline in my ability to correctly grammar and spell.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          kelli permalink

          my ability to correctly grammar

          Use correct grammar. Sorry, it was bugging me.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          No it should be, “My ability to correctly grammaritize.”*

          *Sorry kelli, I’m in a weird mood today. Might have to do with the fact that I only got 2 and a half hours of sleep last night.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          That time I did it on purpose to validatify my assertion of decreased grammaticality*.

          *Holy crap, grammaticality is apparently a word! Either that or spellcheck is just messing with me again.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          sarajean80 permalink

          I think you’ve corrupted your spellcheck.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          I’m a bad influencity.

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 October 13
          Lola permalink

          you’ll probably notice a sharp decline in my ability to correctly grammar and spell.

          Even more so than before? 8)

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          I guess it wasn’t too obvious how often I utilized the edit function to turn my normally horrific noodling into something vaguely understandable.

          Many of my posts were still pretty wrong even after a half dozen edits. Now you’ll get to see the… wrongatiosness in all its glory.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          Lola permalink

          Considering that you acknowledge it and are sporting when we point it out, I am just going to enjoy seeing what you come up with. *pops popcorn*

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          I’m also going to have to use tags when I do something intentionally from now on, otherwise it’ll blend in.

          I’m thinking maybe:

          [taco]you’ll probably notice a sharp decline in my ability to correctly grammar and spell.[/taco]

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          Yancy permalink

          The Merriam Webster website lists three valid entries under grammatical:
          grammaticality (noun)
          grammatically (adverb)
          grammaticalness (noun)

          So apparently, there’s nothing wrong with the following sentence.

          The grammaticalness of this sentence is supported by the Merriam-Webster online dictionary’s definition of grammatical, because the dictionary people accept the grammaticality contained herein as being grammatically correct.

          Yay two English degrees.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 13
          Tankerbell permalink

          I’m getting a serious G.W. Bush vibe here with all the grammaritizing and wrongaciousness.

          Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 13
        CoffDrop permalink

        grammar and spell are perfectly good verbs……

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          Lola permalink

          Our OED CD-ROM is not letting me cut and paste it, but it does in fact have an entry for grammar as a verb, noting “v. rare.”

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Lola – I’m a little bit (more) in love with you now that I know you’ve got the OED on CD-ROM.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14
          Lola permalink

          LRC, it’s not mine (sadly), it’s at work. I’m such a word nerd that I was excited when we got it and will use it at the drop of a hat. If you can ever buy it, it’s a really interesting product.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 October 13
        CoffDrop permalink

        And Tacomagic is the rare soul, isn’t he………

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 13
          mudslicker permalink

          There are days when his soul is pretty medium well done.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 13

          Well done soul sole is a mortal sin!

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 October 13

      That clears that up, the girl I know is not a mother. Although she probaly has unfortunate tattoos, everyone my age does. I may be the last remaining gen-x kid with no tats or piercings outside of my earlobes.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 13
        Tacomagic permalink

        It’s like me as a Gen-Y kid being without an MP3 player (Ok, I do own one… somewhere. But I never use it).

        Fight the stigmas of your generation!

        *Hides all his other technology*

        Adores: 3
      • 2010 October 13
        Lola permalink

        I’m Gen-X, and no tats or non-ear piercing either. Though if I ever stop working in the corporate world, I’m going to pierce my nose and dye my hair blue just once, because I can. Doesn’t matter how old I am, it’s to make up for being a corporate drone.

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 13

          I’m tempted to do blue hair seeing as I’m not only allowed, but encouraged at my job to do so. Crazy hair, piercings, tattoos, all are allowed, but we can’t wear rubber soled shoes, even on casual Friday.
          OT, but you would know why this is funny/awesome, Lola: One of our clients is a salon named Hairdresser On Fire. NO ONE here got the reference.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          Lola permalink

          Christina, the rubber-sole issue is weird – I’m wearing some lug-soled loafers right now that are fine for corporate but wouldn’t cut it in your place.

          Hairdresser on Fire? I love it. Probably a better salon name than Girlfriend in a Coma.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13

          Sorry, rubber sole=athletic shoe. Sometimes I talk like a grandma. Ours is a very odd corporate environment, very conservative policies and culture, yet part of the fashion industry that is very much the opposite. The easiest way to explain it is this: Imagine bikers, punks, goths and Dolly Parton look-alikes wearing nice suits and working un cubicles.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13

          I’m a Boomer…ears pierced, ONCE, no tats and I wear jeans, t-shirts, and steel-toed boots to work every day. Best.Job.Ever.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          Grampdaddy permalink

          What’s the big deal with blue hair? Lots of the women here at the retirement home have blue hair (except for those that have the purple rinse).*

          *This may not be true.

          Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 13
        bombdude permalink

        I am a Gen-X’er, and was a Marine for many years, and I also have no tats or piercings.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          mudslicker permalink

          So what else is wrong with you?

          😉

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 13
          Lola permalink

          He blows sh*t up, Mudsy. 😉

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          mudslicker permalink

          OOh? I guess I better not push it then. I always thought he was merely referring to himself as being “da bomb”**.

          **not to be confused with being da minty

          :: pushing da plunger ::

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          bombdude permalink

          So what else is wrong with you?

          to many too list…

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          You list what’s wrong with yourself, and I’ll tell you some of the many, many, many things wrong with me. Yeah, I have nothing better to do.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          mudslicker permalink

          to many too list…

          Their, their. They’re ewe go being awl mis-homonymy again.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Wait a minute…You are a marine, Bombdude? My dad was a marine, and he has a UMSC tattoo on his left arm. Are they not doing that anymore?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          bombdude permalink

          Their, their. They’re ewe go being awl mis-homonymy again.

          Sorry, should’ve used them there [Taco] tags. It was intentional. 😉

          My dad was a marine, and he has a UMSC tattoo on his left arm. Are they not doing that anymore?

          “They” is a misnomer. Another common one was a tat of your dog tags on the left ribcage area at sternum height (ouch!). I just chose to not get one. I find them fascinating and i love looking at other peoples interesting ink, but havent seen anything that meant enough to me to risk the “forever” part. Just call me afraid of commitment 😉

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13

          Waited until I was 50 to get my first tat and now have three. All are small, elegantly done and in places that won’t stretch for many years. Always knew I wanted one just couldn’t decide on what and where for various reasons, chief among them was the knowledge that they would be permanent.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13
          EclecticBlue permalink

          I guess if you wait till you’re 50, you don’t have to live with them as long 😀

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13

          Pssst, EB, Archie’s a country mouse, she’s going to out live all of us cube dwellers.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          EclecticBlue permalink

          Haha, there is that… Dang fluorescent lighting, eating my soul…

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13
          Tankerbell permalink

          Bombdude, gotta tell you a funny story that happened to me on Monday. As a marine you’ll appreciate it.
          Mr. Tank believes strongly in thanking veterans at every opportunity. So the other day I am out to lunch with my coirkers and this older man comes in with a hat on that said “801st Airborne” on it. (Not sure of the number, am sure it said airborne.) So I go up to him as we’re leaving and we have this conversation: (and this is practically word for word, it is indelibly burned onto my brain)

          Me: Sir, I noticed your hat and I wanted to thank you for your service.
          Veteran Dude: I think we should get rid of the military completely!
          Me: …uh… [sound of crickets]
          Veteran Dude: There are soldiers dying, and for nothing! We should shrink the military down to practically nothing!
          Me: Uh, yeah… support the troops by bringing them home. Okay…
          Veteran Dude: They say we need a strong military to defend ourselves… Ha! What, is Guatemala going to invade us?
          Me: Ha, ha. Maybe Canada.
          Veteran Dude: I hope they do! And I hope they win! Then they can pay for everything.
          Me: Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you for your service.

          I don’t think I’m going to try thanking any more veterans.* It seems to disturb them, and I KNOW it disturbs me.

          *This may not be true

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          CapnMac permalink

          Well, I know I’me enough of a Boomer to have been raised that piercings and ink were stigmatized.

          But, probably the reason (beyond the not having found anything to commit to for the duration) I’m unlikely to get inked would be one of my parent’s Uncles. Said uncle was an old-school Old China Hand WesPac sailor. With top-dollar HK & Singapore Liberty Dragons (Scarlet and Gold Lung, for the best Luck) on his going-ashore jumpers. About the time of the Suez fracus, he had been in Morocco, and came back to the ship with the Liberty cuffs from his jumper sleeves replicated in ink, badly, on his wrists. He wore long sleeves after that pretty much to his last days.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 October 13
        sarajean80 permalink

        I only have the one tattoo (It was Mom’s idea; for her fiftieth birthday Mom, my sister, and I went and got tattoos.) and the only thing I have pierced are my ears, but I have stretched the holes to accommodate a larger gauge of earring.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          mudslicker permalink

          I know your misuse of the homonymic words was on purpose. But I just decided to go with pretending it was not. I’m a stinker.

          😉

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13

          Hey, my mom and I went together too! We did it during the drive across the country when I was moving to Boston. I got Tigger, she got Winnie the Pooh.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          My daughter and I get Henna tattoos whenever we go to the beach. We always have a girls day, ice cream, henna tattoos and shopping. The tattoos are temporary, fun and a great reminder of a fun day. My son and Mr. Artsy (NOT) usually go race go carts …. male bonding.

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 13
        LurkRealClose permalink

        I’m also genX with no tattoos or odd piercings. I do have each ear lobe pierced twice and the top of one ear pierced, which is technically a body piercing, although probably the most mild.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          EclecticBlue permalink

          LRC, I’m GenY, and if I was going to have multiple holes per ear, yours is exactly what I would have done :-p Well, maybe either two holes, or the one at the top. Haven’t thought too much about it since high school….

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Yeah, the double lobe thing was big in high school. The other one just kind of happened. I went with a (much younger) friend who was getting something (I forget what, nipple? tongue?) pierced and got talked into it.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13

          I have seven holes in my left ear that are the result of late night boredom in my junior year of high school. I don’t even wear pierced earrings anymore. Clip-ons are a lot more comfortable than they used to be. I’ve seen all kinds of fake body jewelry and I would have been tempted to get some just to mess with my mother, but considering both my brothers are tattooed and pierced to circus freak proportions, I doubt a fake lip ring would phase her.

          Adores: 1
  3. 2010 October 13
    TacoMagic permalink

    This will indeed be a tattoo shop unlike any other, serving only the highest quality Columbian coffee, specialty drinks, free wifi, and a small selection of baked goods. I shall call it: “TwinkleDollars.”

    No prior experience in tattoo work required, though at least a minimum of 3 years working as a Batista will be necessary.

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 October 13
      Lou Stool permalink

      “Batista?” So I guess that WWE guy will be a shoe in for the job. Poor Taco. This will be a tough week for you with no editing available.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 13
        Tacomagic permalink

        That’s the last time I use autospellcheck.

        Seriously, I just checked again. Barista is not a word according to spell check. But apparently Batista is an acceptable correction of the word.

        Even when I spell things correctly, I’m sabotaged!

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 13
          CapnMac permalink

          Well, a Batista might be a barista of cafè Habañero.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 October 13

      He lost his job in 1959:

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fulgencio_Batista

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 13
        Lola permalink

        Yeah, but cubano cafe con leche kicks culo. He might be just the right guy for the job!*

        *Except, you know, dead. And corrupt.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          My knowledge of rude spanish words has just expanded. Thanks, Lola.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          Lola permalink

          My neighborhood and many of my friends are bilingual. That’s … pretty mild, actually. 8)

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          Tankerbell permalink

          I don’t know if I would like to get my coffee from a guy who was corrupt and evil when alive, and is now all oozy and corpsified. Not to mention the issue of potential saponification. (Look it up in the past posts, kids, I only got so long for lunch. No time for the linky linky.)

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 October 13
        CoffDrop permalink

        Ah yes, bilingual:

        Talk out of both sides of your mouth

        Also – speak out of both sides of your mouth

        To say different things to different people about the same subject

        “How can we trust him when we know he talks out of both sides of his mouth?”

        Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 13
        Lola permalink

        I forgot to say this earlier:
        jg!!!! Puppieeeeeees!!! Haven’t seen yours in a while.

        Adores: 1
    • 2010 October 13

      StarPricks?

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 October 13
      sarajean80 permalink

      at least a minimum of 3 years working as a Batista

      Would that be Fulgencio Batista? If you’re looking for someone with at least 3 years of being the presidente of Cuba, you are really limiting your prospective employee pool.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 October 13
        CapnMac permalink

        Well, if you can require the hiring of 3 y/o on CL, what matter the strictures of FLWA?

        I mean, discrimination bu, age, national origin, prior employment, corporeal mortality . . . sheesh, what next? <G>

        I mean, really, not like the job is restricted only to former Hungarian Communist leaders slain by their own people . . .

        Adores: 0
  4. 2010 October 13
    CoffDrop permalink

    I’m getting grouchy ’cause of this ear worm you’ve started, Dan:

    Lydia, oh Lydia

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 October 13
      MandaB permalink

      That hadn’t crossed my mind. I was still hung up on the title and having Material Girl stick in my head all day was going to be painful. Now I can alternate it. “Lydia oh Lydia, that encyclopedia…”

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 13
        Camille permalink

        You can learn a lot from Lydia.

        Adores: 3
      • 2010 October 13

        That was Dan’s earworm this morning too. As he observed, “It’s my fault, too!”

        Adores: 4
  5. 2010 October 13

    Prima donna? They need an opera singer that also does tattoos?

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 October 13
      sarajean80 permalink

      With today’s job market people are really having to jump through hoops during the interview process.

      Literally. Sometimes they light the hoops on fire for the hell of it.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 October 13
        NotMyName permalink

        And suspend them above shark tanks, a la…uhh…I think it was Dr. No. Anyone?

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          CoffDrop permalink

          Dr. No –

          Shouted during an involuntary circumcision………

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          With or without anasthesia? Well, either way, no way…wait…ahh never mind.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13
        Tacomagic permalink

        I make people I interview go through a hostage negotiation scenario. If they save the hostage they move onto the second interview.

        I still think it’s a necessary skillset for equipment inventory tracking.

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 13
          MandaB permalink

          Asset tags should be your friend, Taco. Somehow it never works out that way though, does it?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Sadly, if that were the case, my solution to save the hostage would be
          A) Try to convince the hostage-taker that I was a far more valuable target, and decide to trade myself for the hostage. The hostage has to be free, it doen’t say I have to be as well; or
          B) Rush at the attacker, knock the weapon out of his/her hands, sweep their legs out from under them, flip them over onto their back, twist one of their arms behind their back, and sit on the hostage-taker with one knee on the top of their back (to one side of the spine, thus causing enough pain to convince them not to try to escape, yet not causing any severe lasting injury) to keep them pinned until the police arrive.

          This was longer than I thought it was going to be.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          sarajean80 permalink

          You seem to have thought about that a little too much.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Uhhhh…..

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          sarajean80 permalink

          According to my employee handbook, the best thing to do if you are taken hostage is to faint or fake a faint. The hostage taker is less likely to drag your inert ass out of the building.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          “Hold on. I’m going to force myself to faint.”
          I don’t think that’s possible. You can’t force yourself to sleep, I would know, I tried that last night.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          sarajean80 permalink

          If someone’s waving a gun around you would probably have a lot more incentive to try. Faking a faint is easier, you just go limp.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          Just lock your knees. The anxiety of your situation will do the rest.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 13
          J-Dog permalink

          Sh*tting yourself is probably also effective. The hostage taker is less likely to drag your stinky ass out of the building.

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 October 13
          PamCan permalink

          Asset tags should be your friend

          I only have asset tags if I forget to take the tags off new pants…

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          LurkRealClose permalink

          My employee handbook doesn’t address hostage situations. *feels left out*

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          bombdude permalink

          Mine doesn’t either, although it does have an entry on “bomb threat”…

          I tried to fake a feint once, felt rather redundant…

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 13
          EclecticBlue permalink

          Just kinda roll your eyeballs back in your head a bit, and imagine the fun colors you get when you push your fingers into your eyeballs (I can’t be the only kid that did that for fun…). There’s also less chance of injury if you feint your faint in stages–knees, butt, floor.

          …No, I haven’t but entirely too much thought into this, why do you ask? :-p

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13

          Depending on the number of hostages I had, the one who follows J-dog’s advice would be the first to get tossed outside with my demands written on his corpse.
          Oh, you mean what would I do if I was a hostage. Um…never mind…I said nothing.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          No, you are definately not the only kid who did that for fun. I did that too.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          sarajean80 permalink

          J-Dog – That’s also recommended in the handbook.

          LRC – I work in a bank so there are sections in the handbook that read a little like a Worse Case Scenario Handbook at times, but there’s also about twenty pages regarding dress code and proper etiquette to use when addressing customers. There’s even a section on How To Handle Currency. (I quote; “Do not lick your fingers while counting currency, instead use the provided fingertip moisteners. US currency often contains traces of undesirable substances.”)

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Hmmm….undesirable substances. It depends on if you’re talking to a normal person or an addict.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          sarajean80 permalink

          It’s not always the Happy Fun TIme sort of undesirable substance.

          [corey]A woman brought in some cash not long ago that probably qualified as a biological weapon. She had accidentally thrown the envelope containing her withdrawal into the trash and then dumped spoiled uncooked chicken on top of it. By the time she found it, the cash was … really well marinated.[/corey]

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          So, how does a chicken marinated in 100 dollar bills taste?

          Expensive.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 13
          Windrose permalink

          J-Dog is sh– sitting in the Golden Lotus! All by himself. Hooray!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13

          So, how does a chicken marinated in 100 dollar bills taste

          Like Fraklincense?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          sarajean80 permalink

          It also had a very rich aroma.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          CapnMac permalink

          Hmmmm, I’m quite distracted by the concept of sitting through TM’s Hostage Negotiation scenario–probably good that he’s 6-700 miles away in WI, sounds all too much like fun.

          But, that may be from having taught the class a few times. (And been the class, as a teaching example.) Which is entirely not fair on my part–my resume spans a year longer than TM has been alive. Pitching to my deeper skill-sets just not fair at the best of times (or it turns into Steve Dallis v. Bangalors in 5th Element).

          But, it has given me an idea on how to liven up the day of some over-worked HR people I know . . .

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 October 13
          Tankerbell permalink

          Sarajean’s employee handbook reminds me of this hilarious “learning-English-through-exercise” video. Don’t know if this link will work, but I hope so, it’s worth it. These Asian girls exercising (very non-vigorously, I might add) and repeating English phrases as they go. It starts out OK, but then segues into the truly bizarre. You have not lived until you have seen 3 cute Asian girls who CLEARLY have no idea what they’re saying, grinning and doing little cheerleading steps while saying, “Spare me my life.”

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          Tankerbell permalink

          Screw pretty links. You gotta see this. It’s in the middle of the page.

          http://engrishfunny.failblog.org/page/3/

          Adores: 1
  6. 2010 October 13

    [badchoicestattoocorey]Sheesh…can I tell a few tattoo stories…LOL. One of oldest-daughters best friends got a boyfriend name tattoo that covers her entire chest. Said boyfriend nearly beat her to death and she was in hospital for days. He’s history now, but that tattoo is a constant reminder.[/endbadchoicestattoocorey]

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 October 13
      Bacontini permalink

      Bacontini have only one tattoo.

      See, de Bacontini not really pledge his undying love to Fakintini, but we were really drunk and some tings seem like de better idea wit a few meat juleps in you.

      Adores: 9
      • 2010 October 13
        Lola permalink

        Wait, isn’t Fakintini a guy? I thought you were always here for de ladies, Bacontini!

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          kelli permalink

          I thought Bacontini was here for everyone, *especiallly* the ladies.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 13
          mudslicker permalink

          *snicker*

          Bacontini and Fakintini must have really tied one on to let the disco ball drop like that.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          Bacontini permalink

          Bacontini not remember much about dat night after he drink de full bottle of de pork belly schnapps.

          He kinda remember someting about riding a go kart down de I5 naked, and den fakintini saying we should get de tattoos and dat he’d pay for dem. Bacontini tink he let fakintini pick de tattoo for de Bacontini.

          Den we ended up at de petting zoo and den de bacontini spilled into de cotton candy machine.

          Bacontini still wonder where he got de afro wig and de stone bust of Quetzalcoatl.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Wild Quetzalcoatl has appeared! What would you like to do?

          Fight 1)Snark 2)Zen 3)Comment 4)Post Item 1)Box 2)Catulator
          Switch 1)Bacontini 2)Tacomagic 3)Silvanoir 4)kelli Run

          Sorry. Sounds like a Pokemon. And yes, I know Quetzalcoatl was the ancient Mayan deity of…something. It was a deity.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          It was actually a reference to a very specific bust.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Oh. I still thought what I said was funny.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          I was thrown off by the Pokémon reference. I was actually expecing something along the lines of Final Fantasy.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          LurkRealClose permalink

          My sister had a pet snake named Quetzalcoatl. We called him Quetzy.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13

          I5? That’s west coast. And has a 70 mph speed limit. Must have created quite a dilemma for all the truckers. Hmmm.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13
        Lola permalink

        wit a few meat juleps in you

        A few?!?

        Well, there goes the line. It was safe for a while, but talk of orgies will always scare it off.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          Tankerbell permalink

          Raise your hand if you’re thrilled to have Taco (and de Bacontini) back!

          **Raising hand

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 13
          LurkRealClose permalink

          *raises hand*

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          kelli permalink

          raises the roof, realizes her mistake, and raises her hand.

          Adores: 4
    • 2010 October 13
      EclecticBlue permalink

      On a serious note, CJ, hopefully it will remind her to be careful in her choosing of men from now on.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 13
        LurkRealClose permalink

        And her tattoos.

        Adores: 4
  7. 2010 October 13
    Seamyst permalink

    Actually, the poster expressly doesn’t want a pre-Madonna tattoo artist. Dunno why pre-Madonna artists are so undesirable, but whatever.

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 October 13
      Lola permalink

      Some people just don’t understand the importance of pop music history! Though what that would have to do with tattooing skills, I have no idea.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 13
        NotMyName permalink

        I’d say it has about the same revelancy as a fry cook with computer programming and hacking skills. Completely useless at their current vocation.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13

          Not a fry cook… but I can relate to that. I have a college degree. I have a job. The degree and the job have nothing to do with each other but I took what I could get… and in this economy I’m holding onto it for the time being.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13
          bombdude permalink

          revelancy

          I revel in my relevancy, except that it’s irrelevant, irregardless of it’s import…

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          EclecticBlue permalink

          What about a fry cook who sees dead people?[/possibly obscure pop literature reference]

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          mudslicker permalink

          irregardless

          *snicker*

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          bombdude permalink

          We are on the same wavelength today…

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          ‘Irregardless’ makes the hair on my neck stand on end when I hear it used at work.

          Same thing with ‘samwich’ and ‘supposably’.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          sarajean80 permalink

          There is a restaurant in downtown Raleigh called The Irregardless Cafe.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          “The Irregardless Cafe” is a personal favorite of mine.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          Bombdude permalink

          I enjoy it too. Perhaps we shall have to have a Raleigh chapter YSaC lunch one day…

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          CapnMac permalink

          I’d take work as a fry cook, if I could get it.

          But, I also have some experience in hash-slinging from grille and fryer. If not in the recent last three decades.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 October 13
        bombdude permalink

        And shall I say that I enjoy getting your hair erect in this fashion, Taco?

        What?

        Adores: 2
    • 2010 October 13
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      I translated that to they don’t want “some oldy, moldy, ex-biker” tattoo artist.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13
        Tacomagic permalink

        They really don’t know the business very well do they?

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Welcome back Taco. I hope you enjoyed your trip to our “neck of the woods”.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          I was doing pretty well until “Chicken an’ Dumplins” night.

          It’s like somebody decided chicken gravy was too healthy and needed to add potato based noodles to it as a form of nutritional ballast.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13
        NotMyName permalink

        Anyone ever watched this Discovery channel show (I forget what it’s called) where the person goes around the world and tries different things from different cultures (yeah, that seems like it could be any show, in hindsight)? Anyways, it seems to me that you would either get “some oldy, moldy, ex-biker,” a henna tattooist, or the people who do tattoos the old fashioned way, by jamming sticks with ink on them under your skin (might I say, ouch?). I think I’d rather stick with the ex-biker; he won’t be jamming sticks under your skin, and henna tattoos disappear eventually and thus are a waste of money.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13

          I can’t remember if it’s TLC, Discovery, or A&E (they all blur together for me) but there were two shows about tattooing… Miami Ink, which then spun off into LA Ink. I have to admit to having watched both because it’s interesting to see what tattoos people get and why. The “drama” between the “artists” I could do without, however.

          I think Henna tattoos are a good idea, actually… I’m too indecisive to pick one thing to permanently be on my skin like that, so something that will fade out is nice. Just like a bad haircut that will grow out.

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 October 13
      Charlene permalink

      I don’t know either. (sigh) Life is a mystery….

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 13

        Hello, Charlene! And I agree with you…some of the pop music and tattoos out there are hideous. It makes one wonder.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13
        bombdude permalink

        Nice subtle Madonna earworm to replace Material girl, Charlene… Thanks

        Adores: 1
    • 2010 October 13

      I prefer the Pre-Raphelites myself.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 October 13
        Windrose permalink

        Hi, Mom! 8)

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          Lola permalink

          Wait, I thought she was Bridgete’s mom!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          Windrose permalink

          She is, but I adopted her.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          kelli permalink

          I think I’ll adopt her too. Hi Mom!

          Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 13
        LurkRealClose permalink

        Hi Mom!

        Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 13

        Aww, look at everyone adopting my mom! ♥

        Adores: 3
  8. 2010 October 13
    NotMyName permalink

    I think they want any artists from before Madonna. You know, Johnny Cash, Frank Sinatra, Beethoven, etc.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 October 13

      Or maybe they want artists not all in touch with their inner Michelangelo…time is money you know!

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 13
        Tacomagic permalink

        I touched my inner Giovanni Battista Caccini once. Now I have a restraining order to worry about.

        Maybe I’ll go feel up Wagner a little.

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 13
          kelli permalink

          I’m so glad you and your meat puppet are back, Taco.

          Adores: 4
  9. 2010 October 13

    This guy sounds like a real joy to work for. [/sarcasm]

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 October 13
      NotMyName permalink

      “Tonight on Who Would You Rather Work For, we ask Frank, a traveling salesperson *audience boos* and Alice, a taxidermist* who they would rather work for. If they give a good enough reason, they could be entered to win** 1,000 (yen)!! The choices are: David Ramsey, Donald Trump, or this random guy whose ad we found on Craigslist! Frank, what do you say?”
      “Well, *didn’t bother to name game-show-host-guy,* I think I would rather work for Donald Trump. Ramsey would just yell at me for my lack of cooking skills, while it seems that this Craigslist poster only wants people willing to work in a non-traditional tattoo parlor. In my youth, I worked for a regular tattoo parlor, and my boss, Joe “The Needle” Nedler, taught me that in order to make tattoos look interesting and cool to youths, things must remain the same.”
      “And how about you Alice? What do you think?”
      “Well, random guy who paid me to be on this show because there are only 10 people in the audience, I’d work for David Ramsey. I’m sure he would appreciate my, well skills and knowledge, when it comes to animals, thus I would probably be good at figuring out which parts of the animals are good to eat and which are not.”
      “And what about the Craigslist poster?”
      “I think tattoos are stupid.”
      “Well there you have it folks! Tune in next week as we– Oh, apparently we just went bankrupt, so there won’t be a next week! Goodnight folks!”

      *Alice. Taxidermist. It’s how my mind is working this morning. Alice in Wonderland finally caught that Cheshire cat, and, not knowing what else to do, decided to taxidermize it. She is now fully addicted, and looking to move onto more lively peopl– err I mean creatures.

      **Offer not valid in Utah. Contest expired three weeks ago. Must pay shipping and handling charges of 1200 yen. We stole your credit card information.

      Adores: 9
      • 2010 October 13
        Lola permalink

        David (Dave) Ramsey is the financial planning guy … and I’d far rather work for him than cook for Gordon Ramsey.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Oops. No edit function…that took forever to type.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          mudslicker permalink

          I loves me some Gordon Ramsey.

          “WHO cooked this fucking risotto?!?!?!”

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13
          kelli permalink

          I’m a huge Gordon Ramsey fan. I love when one of the contestants on HK acts surprised when he yells at them. I want to ask them if they ever watched the show before going on it.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          There seems to be alot of shows where the contestants don’t seem to know how the show works. This also happens in zombie movies.
          “Ohmigod, that thing bit Bill and he died. But then he came back. What are these things!?”
          Have you never seen or heard of zombies, or the living dead before? Do you not know wnayone who has at least heard of the living dead? Zombie movie characters are stupid.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          mudslicker permalink

          @kelli: Lucky us. He’s on tonight. In all his cursing glory.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          EclecticBlue permalink

          Lola, I’m glad you cleared that up… I was so confused, but I assumed that I just didn’t know about pop culturey stuff.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          The only characters who are dumber than zombie movie characters are those in slasher films.

          “Last year when we went to summer camp a scary dude killed all our friends before we were able to kill him with a flare gun. Too bad nobody ever found the body. Who wants to go to summer camp again this year?”

          “Dude, we all do. We know it’s safe now.”

          “Right on, lets pack everything we can find except the weapons. Oh and leave your phones unplugged, the batteries will be fine without charging for a few weeks.”

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 13
          bombdude permalink

          And don’t forget, if someone is chasing you in a car, trying to run you down, FOR GOD’S SAKE run in a straight line down the middle of the street…

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Same goes for anything falling, like a building or bill board. NEVER run to the side; in fact your chances of surviving are greater if you run TOWARDS it.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          sarajean80 permalink

          Slasher film characters seem to be worried about sex more than zombie film characters. I guess being attacked by ambulatory corpses has a negative effect on the libido.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          For some people maybe.

          What?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Well, I think the thinking behind the idea is “If we are going to die tonight, might as well make it a good night.”
          Plus, people might thing zombie-ness is an STD. In movies, that is; not in real life. I hope not anyways….

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          *Checks one of his old condoms*

          “When used correctly every time you have sex, latex condoms greatly reduce but do not eliminate the risk of pregnancy or the risk of catching and spreading necrotizing zombification.”

          There you have it. Condoms don’t prevent zomb-

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Why do you still have one of your old condoms, Taco? Throw it out, already.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 13
          sarajean80 permalink

          Make a balloon animal first!

          Can you do a rooster?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          You want the cock to crow in the morning?

          *To the corner!*

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          EclecticBlue permalink

          The rooster sounds like it should be the easiest, given the medium…

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13
          Tankerbell permalink

          Note to self: Do NOT accept invitations to Taco’s house.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          Going back to Ramsey:

          I like that show if only because they screw up foods that I didn’t even know were possible to cook poorly. I mean it’s one thing to screw up a Foi Gras or a Soufflé, but they screw up fairly easy core dishes. I mean sure, they’re under pressure. But they’re claiming to be Chefs. There are basic dishes that even a busy, stressed chef should be able to do well without even thinking about them.

          Risotto being one of these. How the heck do you screw up a Risotto? I mean really, it’s basically just Italian short rice, stock, parmersean, and seasoning*.

          [cooking corey]
          *Ok that is over-simplifying quite a bit, but it’s really not that difficult to make. And for somebody who claims to be a chef, Risotto is something you should be able to make with both eyes closed and only one good arm.[/corey]

          PS. I’ll also admit to liking the profanity, the uncensored versions are priceless gems that can’t be played with Tron around.

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 13
        kelli permalink

        *cough* Gordon Ramsey *cough*

        Adores: 2
  10. 2010 October 13
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Dear Jessie,
    I hear you’re Back in Business with your new shop. You may be wondering, Who’s That Girl that’s emailing you? We met on that cruise stop at La Isla Bonita, when we saw the same Lucky Star and you wished you knew What It Feels Like to Be a Girl. I said to you, Beautiful Stranger, I can Dress You Up Like a Virgin back in my cabin. Our parting was bittersweet, but I always said that we’d Live to Tell, even If You Forget Me.

    You always told me to Express Myself, so I became a Bad Girl and took up tattoo art. I’ve been Causing a Commotion at my current shop, but it Ain’t No Big Deal. Working for you would be a cause for Celebration, and who knows – maybe you’ll think This Lady’s Got Potential and that my work is in Vogue. And perhaps you’ll even see a Ray of Light in these Spanish Eyes again. You know how much I Love New York. Let me know if this might pan out or if it’s Just a Dream.

    Love, Louise.

    Adores: 22
    • 2010 October 13
      Tacomagic permalink

      Well crafted, sir.

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 October 13
      sarajean80 permalink

      Did you have to ask Uncle Google or did you just know those? Enquiring minds want to know.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        Most of that came right out of the memory, although I did make sure I checked the track list for Confessions on a Dance Floor and Hard Candy, as I’m not as familiar with the more recent work.

        Um, wait. I mean, I looked that all up because I couldn’t possibly be devoting that much brainspace to Madonna’s discography. Yeah. That thing.

        Quick, play me off Johnny!
        *runs away*

        Adores: 14
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          You know, there’s these great forums that I think you’d really like…

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          bombdude permalink

          Personally I thought it would’ve been signed by Michelle “Bombshell” McGee…

          Either way, it is a work of art IF…

          Adores: 1
  11. 2010 October 13
    Windrose permalink

    I don’t understand. Why do they want someone who can draw Herve Villechaize?

    Adores: 11
    • 2010 October 13
      kelli permalink

      You know some of our younger commentors may not get that joke Windy. It took me a minute to get it myself.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 13
        NotMyName permalink

        Yeah I’m with her. Who the heck is that?

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          corey permalink

          Fantasy Island the television series:

          Roarke was known for his white suit and cultured demeanor, and was initially accompanied by an energetic sidekick, Tattoo, played by Hervé Villechaize. Tattoo would run up the main bell tower to ring the bell and shout “The plane! The plane!” to announce the arrival of a new set of guests at the beginning of each episode. This line, shown at the beginning of the show’s credits, became an unlikely catch phrase because of Villechaize’s spirited delivery and French accent (he actually pronounced it, “Ze plane! Ze plane!”).

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13

          He was the king in ‘The Forbidden Zone’ (a movie every college kid should see at least once).

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          CapnMac permalink

          “Knick-knack” sidekick to Scaramanga in “Man With the Golden Gun”

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13
        Windrose permalink

        You have a point, kelli, but I like to play to those who are well read in a wide area of subjects. When I was in high school, I knew about the Marx Bros and all their movies, classic TV shows from before I was born, and had read all the books my older siblings were assigned to read and then discarded. Age has less to do with it than exposure.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          kelli permalink

          Age has less to do with it than exposure

          I thought the judge said you were supposed to reduce how much you were exposing yourself Windy.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 13
          Windrose permalink

          8) I think he changed his mind. After he showed me his tattoos.

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 October 13
      Lola permalink

      *Throws all the doors on Fantasy Island at Windrose*

      Adores: 6
    • 2010 October 13

      “Da plane!”

      “Da pain!”

      “Da shame!”

      Adores: 5
    • 2010 October 13
      bombdude permalink

      Ok, I knew who he was, but seem to be missing the reference here…

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13
        Camille permalink

        [TV trivia Corey] The character’s name was Tattoo. [/corey]

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          bombdude permalink

          Damn, that’s right!! :facepalm: How bad is it that I remembered his real name, and what TV series, but drew a blank on his character’s name?

          What a maroon!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13

          Oh BD, have you had your colors done? You must be a Winter if maroon is good on you.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          CapnMac permalink

          In my town. everyone wears maroon, no matter what ‘season’ they are (and far better maroon than that hideous burnt orange <shudder>

          Adores: 0
  12. 2010 October 13

    Pre-Madonna? Hahahaaa, Marilyn Monroe?

    Adores: 2
  13. 2010 October 13

    [silly child corey] My mother was fond of the phrase, “dont be a prima donna ” when ever I threw a pre-teen hissy fit. My usual reply was to tell her that Madonna was older than me so there was no way I could be pre-Madonna, but she was. She has no one to blame but herself for raising a bunch of smartasses.

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 October 13
      NotMyName permalink

      My favorite saying is that I’d rather be a smartass than a dumbass.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 13
        kelli permalink

        When my mum would call me a smartass, I’d answer, “it’s not just my butt that’s smart”

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 13
          Windrose permalink

          My daughter’s reply was, “It takes one to know one.”

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          sarajean80 permalink

          My Mom regularly calls me Smartass, but it’s more of a nickname now.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13
        CapnMac permalink

        Growing up, the acceptable language varied depending on which matriarch’s it was. In one of those, “none of that sailor-talk is allowed here!” So, when a person’s sass got ahead of them, it was common to hear “You’re about to become one of the three of ’em; best choose the mute one” (Dumb being preferable to Smart or Jack).

        If said matriarch heard this impertinent interuption to the incipient tirade, there was a great deal of 40-60 BEV laser glaring, whereupon flight to garages, BBQ pits, boatshed or the like was mete, and with alacrity. Unless said sass had prevented getting more cervesas for the cooler in that retreat. Which could then become a polylingual education in spoken invective and expletive indeed.

        Adores: 0
  14. 2010 October 13
    NotMyName permalink

    “Send portfolio and contact info.”
    “contact me at ############@gmail”

    So…do I just stick the portfolio in my F-drive*? Or is the post service supposed to find you based on your email?

    *I think it’s the F-drive. Taco? Hammy? Am I right or wrong?

    Adores: 1
  15. 2010 October 13
    Tankerbell permalink

    First, let me tell you all I would be pelting you with doors if I could but now that I’m being a good little employee and using my blackberry, I can’t. Herve Villechaise, indeed! (I am the exact right age for that reference.)

    But my comment: did anyone but me think wanting a clean tattooist rather than a tattoo artist older than madonna sort of puts the clean before the art? Count me out. I want to get my first tattoo to celebrate just turning 18 years sober, and I’ll take the dirty biker artist, thanks.

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 October 13
      Camille permalink

      Congrats on your 18 years!

      Adores: 7
    • 2010 October 13
      kelli permalink

      Congrats Tank! I probably will never get a tattoo, but my daughter wants one when she turns 18 and the one thing I’ve told her over and over again is that she must find one who keeps a clean shop and that does *not* reuse needles. I want her tattoo to be the only lifelong memory of the experience.

      Adores: 5
    • 2010 October 13

      Yay Tank, Ya got me beat by a few years 😉

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 October 13
        LurkRealClose permalink

        Good job, however many you’ve got, Ham!

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          Tankerbell permalink

          What the robo-moose in the chic poncho said.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13

          14, and may I never catch up to you Tanky! (I just can’t bring myself it abbreviate your name like this TB*)

          *Cough*

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          Tankerbell permalink

          Awwww. That’s sweet. 14 years is amazing. Hoo-Ah.
          You know what they say. If you and me and LRC (there’s a song in there) have been sober since we got up this morning, we all have the same amount of time. Today.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Wow. You’re both ahead of me. I’ve got 9 years. But, as Tank said, I’ve only got this 24 hours. Same as you guys.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 October 13
      EclecticBlue permalink

      Yay Andie! You can share my flask filled with Monster :-p

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 October 13
        Lola permalink

        I’ve got cranberry and seltzer in mine for those who don’t need to be caffeinated. The flask is all-purpose.

        Adores: 3
      • 2010 October 13
        Tankerbell permalink

        Thanks everybody! I don’t think I get to be proud, just grateful. It wasn’t me that did it, it was all the other drunks who told me what to do and I just did it. Left to my own devices, God only knows where I’d be. And what tattoos I’d have.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13

          You have my congratulations as well. If it wasn’t for diabetes, I could have easily ended up needing an intervention of my own.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          Windrose permalink

          As an adult child of someone who failed to choose the path you did, Andie, I am honored to know you.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13

          Thanks everybody! I don’t think I get to be proud, just grateful

          Amen, in fact I’m always a little confused when people say they are proud of me…I never know what to say.
          To me it’s the same as being proud of a diabetic for remembering to take their insulin injection.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13

          I’m not on insulin (and hope to never be), but you bet your sweet Aspircream I’m proud when I remember to take my pills.
          How about this, be proud that you (this is for everyone here) are a smart and talented individual who has enough sense to put and keep your life in order. Not everyone can say that, as the subjects of this site are clearly evidence to.
          Now, group hug to all YSaCers for everything that they have accomplished or are currently dealing with.

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 October 13
      Windrose permalink

      Sunday I saw the movie “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.” Loved it, have to read the books now. But I loved her revenge on that bastard probation worker or guardian, whatever he was. That’s a tattoo whose time has come. Should be modified to fit child molesters and made mandatory for a first offense.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 13
        CoffDrop permalink

        ::Adds “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” to NetFlix Queue::

        TACK SJÄLV Windy…..

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 13
        Lola permalink

        Windrose: AGREE.

        Adores: 1
    • 2010 October 13

      Awesomsauce, Tanker!!! I’m all-my-life sober after having been raised by a bunch of drunken monkeys and deciding there’s no way I’m going down that road.

      Seriously, I applaud your accomplishments and raise a glass of Diet Coke in your honor. 🙂

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 13
        Lola permalink

        CJ, considering that you walk upright and write coherently, I am suprised to learn about the monkeys, drunk or otherwise!

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14

          Why thank you, Lola…I was once told by a child psychologist that I fell into the “super” kid category…that is those that recognized early on how destructive the parents’ behaviors were and chose to do a complete 180 in their own lives.

          It’s not without pitfalls, though. I tend to have a VERY low tolerance for those that refuse to help themselves…and I do mean, very.low.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13
        Windrose permalink

        This has brought something into my Consideration tray: We joke a whole bunch here about drinking and stuff. I hope we don’t offend anyone by that.

        *checks whine cellar for good measure*

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          Lola permalink

          Likewise – if I offer you my flask, it has whatever you need in it: hot chocolate, lapsang souchong, warm milk, peppermint water, chocolate stout, Veuve Cliquot, poitín. I’m not advocating just alcohol. Most of the time when I think a drink would be nice, I end up having club soda.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          LurkRealClose permalink

          *is not offended* 🙂

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          Tankerbell permalink

          I think the pitchfork-and-torch-wielding cannibal pumpkins, zomb-s, and inbred English-maulers outside the door of the Snark Lounge would like to know how come now we’re worried about offending someone?

          [Recovery corey] Seriously, in my personal opinion, the world is full of alcohol, drinkers, and references to drinking. They’re everywhere. Alcoholics in recovery have to find a way to deal. Nobody else is responsible for my recovery, or protecting me from temptation, etc. Here’s why. If I decided to drink, it wouldn’t matter how far I had to go, what I had to get tattooed on my whatever, or how many of NMN’s weapons I had to use to get it, I’d make it happen. Nobody has to worry about “tempting” a drunk – we’re born tempted. And for me, if I work a program, temptation is a non-issue. In fact, last AA meeting I went to is held every noon in a restaurant near my work. In the bar.So don’t worry about it for my sake. YMMV. [Recovery corey]

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13

          Agreed. I have no problem being around people that drink, or joking about it etc. It’s an ingrained part of our culture and trying to avoid it is impossible.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Some of the best AA meetings I have been to have been at Dead shows. Nobody there is thinking they can avoid alcohol (or drugs) just realizing that we can have a great time at a show with out them.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 October 13
      LurkRealClose permalink

      That’s awesome, Takandie! I’ve got 1/2 that many, and it’s been totally worth it.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13
        Tankerbell permalink

        (((LRC and Hammy))) I love finding fellow travelers in unlikely places.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          LurkRealClose permalink

          (((((TankerAndie and Hammy))))))

          I know exactly how you feel.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          Windrose permalink

          Wait, does that make Tanker the little woozie you were feeling?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Hee. Well I certainly do try to stay away from feeling the puppy. It’s a TRAP!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13

          Well, at least you know the puppy is in complete control of it’s faculties…

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Ham – I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse.

          Adores: 1
  16. 2010 October 13
    NotMyName permalink

    I think I’ll just stop commenting now, until I can think of something actually funny to say.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 October 13
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      NMN — I think that’s the story of my day today.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13
        Artsy Computer Geek permalink

        NMN – you changed avitars while I was commenting.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Possibly. That’s the fastest it’s ever changed.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Yeah, kinda got a little tired of fuzzy and cute Ratchet. And I never saw Kirby. So, I decided to go with a character that’s a bit more….mature.*

          *In this case, mature means violent.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          If anyone is wondering (I know no one cares), my new avatar is that of Alex Mercer, the main character from one of the most violent games I have ever seen and played.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          I thought the Punisher game was more violent myself.

          Dumping a guy headfirst into a running chipper-shredder. Yeah… wholesome fun there.

          Alex had quantity of kills, but I think the Punisher has him beat with the sheer gruesomeness of his repertoire.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          So (look away any squeamish people), grabbing someone’s head and shoving it down inside their body was beaten by being thrown into a wood chipper? Plus, the Punisher is only a guy with a bunch of swords and guns. Alex Mercer can shapeshift. Claws, hammers, a sword, incredibly dense muscle mass, a whip, armor, a shield…come on!!!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          From a violence standpoint, it took over 10 seconds for the wood-chipper to do it’s job (I’ll leave it at that). The shoving the head thing was fairly instantaneous. To me, the length of suffering adds to the inherent violence and gruesomeness of the act.

          Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some texed based smackdown to dish out… in about 3 hours… when I get home.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Hey that looks similar to LotGD. I might join.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          It’s good stuff. And unlike a lot of other games of the same style, they only take donations once a year, and there are no donation specific items. You just get extra quest points without having to quest for them (Unlike some of the other, more well known Muds that require you to pay for the best items).

          I got back into it during my buisiness trip cause it was the only thing that would run smoothly on the old laptop I brought with me.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13
        NotMyName permalink

        I don’t think I can make it though.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 13

        Playtapus.
        That’s the funniest thing I could think to say, and I don’t really give a rat’s behind if I spelled it wrong. 🙂

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          kelli permalink

          Piscatarian. That’s the funniest word (to me at least) that I can think of right now.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Kunstmuseum.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 13
          EclecticBlue permalink

          Pants.

          It gets funnier the more you say it.

          Pants pants pants pants pants pants pants pants pants pants pants pants pants pants pants pants pants pants pants.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 13
          bombdude permalink

          Sounds like the beginnings of a song!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          My mind is putting into the beginning of Linkin Park’s Given Up.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 13
          sarajean80 permalink

          Baby platypi are called puggles.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          Scutigeromorpha.

          Hehe, scut… hehe.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          mudslicker permalink

          There’s a Piscatarian church right down the street. They believe in loaves and fishes. But mostly fishes.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          Tacomagic permalink

          I’ve had theological arguments with them, but you know what? Those piscatarians don’t have a leg to stand on.

          Eh? Eeeeeeeh?

          I’ll be in the corner.

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 October 13
          mudslicker permalink

          I’m so glad you’re back.

          🙂

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13
          Lola permalink

          Butylatedhydroxytolulene!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          Tankerbell permalink

          If fish-eaters are piscatarians, perhaps I shouldn’t let anyone into my house who identifies themselves as a humanitarian.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13
          CapnMac permalink

          BHT, which looks like a stick-figure bird, woohoo!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 October 13

          EB, I can’t believe I forgot that pants is the funniest five letter P word!
          PANTS!
          *Apparantly, pants is a word that I can’t say with a neutral accent. The ‘a’ comes out too long and nasal. This amuses my husband.

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 October 13

      Willy-nilly..willy-nilly..willy-nilly…not sure why, but that phrase used to send a friend of mine into uncontrolled fits of laughter.

      Adores: 3
  17. 2010 October 13

    It all started as a joke all those centuries ago, the founders could have never foreseen the consequences of their attempt at humor.
    What could be more harmless then pitting an aging pop singer against an icon from a 1970’s TV show?
    Jell-O wrestling matches, between frat houses dressed in costume, evolved to touch football games, then to the entirely new sport of MadTatting, where drunken mobs of college students would compete to see how many unsuspecting town folk they could force to wear pointy bras and little white tuxedos.
    These competitions got more and more out of hand until a time came when president Trump had to call in the National Guard. However President Trump had not taken into account that the American people actually liked dressing up in these outfits and his decision would soon precipitate one of the bloodiest civil wars in history.
    The Guard was entirely overwhelmed in a matter of hours, the rest of the military in days, the ground littered with red stained camo, white suits and lingerie.
    Within a month the Madonnas had seized power and the Tattoos were forced underground where they were ruthlessly hunted by ravenous mobs of Madonnas. The Tattoos were forced to flee MateriAsia (Formerly known as USA) to Cuba (where they were hardly noticed).
    Fifty years passed in relative peace with MateriAsia dominating the world through sexy under things and phallic shaped rocket ships, not suspecting that the Tattoos had been secretly preparing to seize power.
    The day came when the Tattoo’s struck, they had trained millions of chimps to make MateriAsia knock off pointy bras and had replaced the entire supply of the real thing, but with a hidden secret, they were all made from a highly explosive combination of margarita mix and sun tan lotion.
    All at once the bras detonated, in an explosion heard round the globes, followed quickly by an invasion of Tattoos, white suits streaming in the breeze they chased the remaining Madonnas into their phallic like rocket ships. The Madonnas fled into space finally landing on Mars where they started a colony dedicated to the destruction of the Tattoos, they named their new city Ink Blot.
    Meanwhile back on Fantasy Island (Formerly MateriAsia, formerly USA) The Tattoos settle in to a 100 year period of peace, exporting De’ Planes and Rourkefort cheese. Little did they know that a giant pink painted asteroid was heading directly for them…
    The Tattoos, The Madonnas what once was laughed about over beers in frat houses now threatened to destroy entire planets.

    Adores: 13
    • 2010 October 13
      Tacomagic permalink

      Hammy, have you been drinking the toilet cleaner again?

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 13

        *In my best Fat Bastard voice*
        Maybe…

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13

          *wanders in to latrine grumbling about pulling that particular duty and swearing to never snicker at Sgt. FancyPants when he’s within earshot again*

          Heyyyyyyyyyyy….why’s the Ty-D-Bol man out of the tank? And where’s his boat? Dammit…the container is empty…

          HAMMY!!!

          Adores: 5
    • 2010 October 13
      kelli permalink

      Is it wrong that I absolutely love this?

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 October 13
      NotMyName permalink

      “Kirby in asteroid form is attacking!!! Run or be eaten!!”

      Adores: 1
  18. 2010 October 13
    Bavec permalink

    I don’t know how tattoo parlors are where this craigslister lives, but considering the parlors around my neighborhood, “setting new benchmarks” would involve maybe not reusing needles and possibly requiring parental consent for children who look younger than 5 or 6.
    Anything else is for overachievers.
    Or pre-Madonnas. Although, for the record, I’d rather get a tattoo from Beethoven than I would from, say Justin Beiber or Ke$ha..

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 October 13
      NotMyName permalink

      I’d get a tattoo OF a band. But not by them. Because they aren’t tattoo artists. They are musicians. I. Can’t. Stop. Putting. Periods. Help. Me.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 October 13
        Bavec permalink

        I don’t think I’d get a tattoo OF a band either. If I’d gotten one of my favorite band two years ago, I’d have an homage to Nickelback somewhere on my body :shudder:

        How about from a major league baseball player? I hear they’re experts with needles O.o

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          sarajean80 permalink

          Don’t ball players usually try to keep their needle marks from showing?

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 13
          Bavec permalink

          sarajean- I think the best kind of tattoo for someone around the 60 demographic is the discreet kind

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 13
          dan permalink

          Friends don’t let friends listen to Nickelback.

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 October 13
          Lola permalink

          *cannot give Dan enough doors*

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          CapnMac permalink

          And true friends makes sure that their friends do not think that NB is at all “like” Nickel Creek (the horror the horror)

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 13
          NotMyName permalink

          Will someone please tell me why everyone on the internet hates Nickelback? I like Nickelback.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14

          [hater corey] It’s easy to hate celebrity, and even easier when said celebrity arrives on the scene a few years after their style of art has lost its freshness. Even easier, is anonymously hating celebrity on the internet. That, and all their songs sound the same, which is really an invalid arguement when you consider that a lot of acts don’t stray too far from the style that got them where they are (Dave Matthews and Hootie and the Blowfish come to mind).
          That being said, I really don’t like Nickleback, but my reason is that they aren’t my style of music. I really don’t have enough spare time to trash them on the web. I spend all my free time catching up with this site 🙂 [/hater corey]

          Adores: 3
  19. 2010 October 13
    Tankerbell permalink

    Quel existential crisis – I don’t want to be a Tattoo but I also don’t want my globes to ‘splode.

    Adores: 2
  20. 2010 October 13
    mudslicker permalink

    All I could think of all day today was “Ava—Grandpa’s Little Angle”….

    Make it stop…..

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 October 13
      CoffDrop permalink

      Perhaps Dorothy Parker can help, mudsy:

      Razors pain you; Rivers are damp;
      Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp.
      Guns aren’t lawful; Nooses give;
      Gas smells awful; You might as well live.

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 October 13
        Lola permalink

        A million adores, Coffy. I love Dorothy Parker.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 13
          Windrose permalink

          I use her shorter verse almost daily:

          Time doth flit.
          Oh, shit.

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 October 13
      Tacomagic permalink

      Awww, she’s acute little angle isn’t she.

      Adores: 5
    • 2010 October 13
      NotMyName permalink

      I do not understand the reference, although from CoffDrop’s comment it sounds suicide related.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 13
        kelli permalink

        I’m just as lost as you are NMN. Anyone care to Corey for us?

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 14
        mudslicker permalink

        Yes, I am happy that you all could re-live my mortification one additional day.

        😉

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Mudsy — you know we all love you. We’re kind of like family… you can’t live with ’em and you can’t shoot ’em.

          Adores: 1
  21. 2010 October 13

    OT-ish: I googled ‘golden lotus’ for the heck of it, figuring that it had to be the name of a restaurant or spa. I was correct, the first entry was a Chinese restaurant in Boulder. If there’s ever a Boulder meet up, please, please, please make it at the Golden Lotus.

    Adores: 7
  22. 2010 October 13
    Mr. Winkey, the Six Dollar Shirts Hobo permalink

    No broke hipsters?

    **sighs dejectedly, kicks a rock in an off-hand manner**

    Nobody appreciates the true wonder of my Beard Of Mystery anymore.

    **winks at (E) all of the above**

    Teehee.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 October 13
      Not A. HappyMeal permalink

      I know how you feel Mr. Winkey. People used to love me, now they put my food on a shelf and take pictures of it for six months .

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 October 13
        Lola permalink

        There was an avid discussion at work today about that article. NAHM, you are, apparently, the secret to eternal youth preservation. Bottle it and you can retire rich beyond your wildest dreams.

        Adores: 3
      • 2010 October 13
        CoffDrop permalink

        If it’s not suitable to bugs and mold it certainly isn’t fit for human consumption…….

        Adores: 4
  23. 2010 October 13
    Windrose permalink

    And that wraps up another fun-filled episode of the YSaC Snark Lounge. J-Dog, here’s a museum-quality Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, Colorado!

    Adores: 3
  24. 2010 October 14
    LurkRealClose permalink

    Lalalalalala!!

    I’m early at work, waiting for a conference call with some overseas folks, and I have nothing to do except comment on yesterday’s post.

    Adores: 1
    • 2014 March 1
      Innana permalink

      I’m a couple of years late, but really? Is this a joke? Is this irony? Did someone really take this posting for a real ad? What would his tattoo art be like?

      Adores: 0

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