YSaC, Vol. 805: By “answer”, you mean “delete”, right?

2010 September 30

looking for people to answer emails


this job doesn’t require a lot of time, maybe 10 minutes a day tops. you simply have to look over client emails.
the pay is 2 cents an email, dont worry total work done per email amounts to 15 seconds of your time.
you might laugh at the 2 cents an email, but believe me it adds up quite fast. theres a convenient counting system so everything is recorded, and the work is done from your home.

contact me by email for further details,
there are no payments, and no recruiting of other members.

Hooray! Ready for fun with math, boys and girls?

15 seconds per email = 4 emails per minute
4 emails per minute for 10 minutes = 40 emails
40 emails * .02/email = .80 per 10 minutes worth of work, which extrapolates out to $4.80/hour

Sign me up! I can’t wait to earn up to 80 cents per day! (Granted, that is more than I make in ads per day.)

But, unfortunately, this amazing job offer is for .80 in Canadian dollars, which is only worth something like $.79 US … taking that into consideration, it’s just not worth it. My time is much more valuable than .79 for ten minutes. Or at least that’s what the nice people at the phone sex line used to charge tell me.

Thanks for the submission, Kendra!

235 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 September 30

    Eighty cents a day and no snacks? Forget it!

    Adores: 11
    • 2010 September 30
      ActionBatch permalink

      Perhaps Sparky has a vending machine. How cruel! Forcing you to spend your entire paycheck on snack! Bad Sparky!

      Adores: 9
      • 2010 September 30
        sarajean80 permalink

        “It’s payday!

        Do you want this handful of pocket change, or a tiny bag filled with failure and three stale Cheetos?”

        Adores: 14
        • 2010 September 30
          Lola permalink

          A tiny bag filled with failure is still a lot of failure.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          Bombdude permalink

          And 3 stale Cheetos is still better than $.80 Canadian…

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30
          Camille permalink

          “Stale” sounds so negative. Let’s refer to them as “vintage Cheetos,” OK?

          Adores: 22
        • 2010 September 30
          AndieJD permalink

          I am feeling LOTS better about my government paycheck now. Thanks, Sparky!

          Adores: 5
    • 2010 September 30

      I was referencing the text management job that paid $15/hr plus snacks. Maybe a year ago-ish.

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 September 30
        Bombdude permalink

        I just happened to be going through the archives and just read that one like, 3 days ago…

        Classic!

        Edit: reread my own post to look for speeling errors, and realized I must have been channeling a valley girl there for a moment…

        Adores: 8
        • 2010 September 30

          Like, don’t worry, you’re only like, channeling a valley girl if you like, use “like” every like, few words. Like.

          Adores: 14
        • 2010 September 30
          EclecticBlue permalink

          Like, totally!!

          Adores: 12
        • 2010 September 30

          Fer sure. Like, gag me with a spoon!

          Adores: 12
        • 2010 September 30
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          I had to explain to a junior high school aged daughter what a “valley girl” was. I’m going back to bed.

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 September 30
          kelli permalink

          Artsy, I had a similar conversation with my college freshman daughter that started with the phrase, “What in the Sam Hill,” and progressed through “dude” which strangely we both use, went onto “surfer” lingo, digressed into “Valley girls,” and ended in “Rad” phrases.

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 September 30
          Astrognash permalink

          The customs of the tribal elders are strange to my youthful eyes.

          Adores: 13
        • 2010 September 30
          Bombdude permalink

          But see, I grew up there, so “dude” is an intrinsic part of my vocabulary. It has, like, 1000 meanings… Surfer lingo is like my inner dude, dude…

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 1

          I call my dad Dude. I think I’ve shared the story on here before, but I’ll share again for the newbies. Basically, I was learning to talk in the early 80’s, when my older 1/2 sister was a pre-teen. She started calling my dad a mass cool dude. Apparently, I misinterpreted the “dude” part as another way to say dad, and it stuck. That’s the story I was told, anyway. All I know is that’s what I’ve always called him.

          Adores: 1
  2. 2010 September 30
    Innana permalink

    If the emails are in Canadian, will someone translate them for me?

    Adores: 22
    • 2010 September 30
      ActionBatch permalink

      maybe they can translate them into Shatnerese?

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 September 30
        AndieJD permalink

        The Shat is Canadian. So, what would that mean – let’s see, a double negative is a postive, so a Canadian email in Shatnerese would be… my cats are all home in bed with Mr. JD so can someone help me with this catmath?

        Canadian(shatner) =

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          ActionBatch permalink

          One Canadian Shatner is roughly equal to 2 Nimoys, 4 Sulus, 1 Scotty and 35 Red Shirt expendables… Or, perhaps, equal to 1 Candice Bergen (see: Boston Legal).

          Adores: 12
        • 2010 September 30
          CapnMac permalink

          Dunno, could Canadian, Shatner be in FRENCH?

          (Not that Shatner in Innuit would be that much more melodious.)

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 September 30
          Astrognash permalink

          (Canadian)Shatner=To,boldy,Go,eh?

          Adores: 6
    • 2010 September 30
      Lola permalink

      Yes, but by law it has to be translated into or from both Canadian and Quebeckish at all times. Comprendez?

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 September 30

        Quebeckish reads like an awesome non-swear explicative: “Aw Quebeckish! I forgot to add the fabric softener!”

        Adores: 17
        • 2010 September 30

          I’m so going to use that now.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Quebeckish – the word of the day. If I was a literary talent like most of the rest of you, I’m sure I could come up with a creative poem or story to go with Quebeckish.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30
          CapnMac permalink

          I know some wokked-up people who already use quebeçois as an expletive.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Artsy: You mean like this?

          Quebeck and ish, quebeck and ish,
          Wind of the western sea,
          Wok, wok, grill some fish,
          Wind of the western sea!
          Over the rolling waters go,
          Work from home, this job does not blow,
          Blow Ham again for me;
          While my little one, while my pretty one, sleeps.

          Adores: 16
        • 2010 September 30
          Lola permalink

          Blow Ham again for me

          Dirty job, that, but someone has to do it.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Dirty job, that, but someone has to do it.

          Yes, but not me. Someone will do it for me. I will pay them 15 minty Canadian shells an hour or they can take him for free.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 September 30
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Good job LRC!!!!!!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30

          Hi!
          *Waves at LRC*

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 September 30
      MandaB permalink

      That’s what the hummingbird code is for!

      Adores: 8
  3. 2010 September 30
    LimeLolly permalink

    I can’t believe it takes 15 seconds to say ‘No’.

    Adores: 10
    • 2010 September 30
      ActionBatch permalink

      Nnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooo! :leap into air as explosion explodes in the exploding background: (freeze frame; credits.)

      Adores: 11
      • 2010 September 30
        Bombdude permalink

        *McGyver’s hard up these days….*

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 September 30
          EclecticBlue permalink

          *McGyver’s hard on these days…… There ya go, Bianchi 🙂

          (Except by now, that would probably require medications…)

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30
          Bombdude permalink

          Wait a minute EB! I think I’ve got one of those emails.. riiiiiight…. HERE! Oh wait, no, I deleted that one for $.02 yesterday…

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 September 30
          AndieJD permalink

          *** still has it bad for MacGyver

          Richard Dean Anderson was still hot in the Stargate shows.

          *Having alone time in the corner with my lifesize cardboard cutout of RDA

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 September 30

          Don’t forget your t-shirt, Andie.

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 September 30
          Astrognash permalink

          But… but… but…
          I thought…
          but girls don’t…
          and she…
          but…

          I’m so confused.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 September 30
          EclecticBlue permalink

          *pats Astro on the head* Don’t worry, someday it’ll aaaaall make sense…

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          AndieJD permalink

          It’s OK, Astro. She was just giving me my “Official SG1 Fan Club” shirt that says “Mrs. Anderson” on the back. To wear. Don’t be afraid.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 September 30
          kelli permalink

          Uh oh, we broke the jailbait.

          Astro, girls do but we are told that girls don’t. Just like females never fart, burp, or defecate.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30
          EclecticBlue permalink

          Andie, that REALLY confused me, because my last name is Anderson :-p

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          CapnMac permalink

          Astro, do not listen to them.
          The ways of Women are a mystery to we mere men.
          Anytime you think you have it “all worked out” you are mistaken.
          Once you learn to live with that uncertainty, you (may) develop peace and serenity.
          Or not.
          Ask me in another couple decades.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30
          LurkRealClose permalink

          The Capn is very wise, young Astro.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 September 30
          CapnMac permalink

          Not that such wisdom has done me a lick of good in most of the last two decades . . .

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 September 30
          LurkRealClose permalink

          That’s because wisdom is a bitch and therefore also a woman so you don’t understand her. But “lick of good” sounds promising.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30
          AndieJD permalink

          “lick of good” sounds promising.

          Yeah, what LRC said. This is one of the reasons I’m not.a.lesbian. I would never want to try to keep a woman happy. Even we don’t know what we want, and it changes by the minute.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          Bombdude permalink

          Wow…. How profound, Wizard…

          Adores: 4
    • 2010 September 30
      mudslicker permalink

      But you can do it so much more quickly when you answer the emails in lower-case only. Apparently, hitting the shift key automatically clocks you out and you have to start over.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 September 30
        LimeLolly permalink

        no

        hey, you’re right mudsy… what about punctuation? too time consuming?

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 September 30
          Bombdude permalink

          Well, commas definitely are…

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          screwpuntuationandspacingyoucanusethosevaluablefractionsofasecondtoanswermoreemails

          (Ow. My brain is hurted now.)

          Adores: 12
        • 2010 September 30
          mudslicker permalink

          yes

          *i just earned my $.02 worth*

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 September 30
          ActionBatch permalink

          SJ, that made me have to concentrate just to be able to read it (lol). Does that cut into my paycheck?

          Adores: 6
  4. 2010 September 30
    Is.An.Avatar permalink

    Take the position – hire an (East) Indian to answer the messages for a penny each $$$$$

    Adores: 12
  5. 2010 September 30
    sarajean80 permalink

    contact me by email for further details

    So, wait … You want me to send you an email about a job answering your emails, so you can email me more information about the job answering your emails? If I did take the job, wouldn’t I just be answering my own email?

    there are no payments

    And you want me to do it for free?

    Adores: 17
    • 2010 September 30
      LimeLolly permalink

      It’s like a Mobius Strip, isn’t it?

      Adores: 6
    • 2010 September 30

      OhMYGAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWDDDDDDDDDD!!!

      SJ’s entered the Logic Vortex of Doom! Someone, throw her a lifeline, STAT!

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 September 30
        LurkRealClose permalink

        Quick, SJ, grab the poncho!

        Adores: 10
        • 2010 September 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          Err… That’s okay, I’m sure oblivion is not as bad as they say.

          Adores: 18
    • 2010 September 30
      Mindfield permalink

      You know, that could work out. Here’s what you do:

      1. E-Mail the guy about the job, stating you’d like to take the position.
      2. Go over to the guy’s house/office/internet cafe seat, tell him you E-Mailed him about the position, and in the capacity of such are there to answer it for him.
      3. Engage in an E-Mail exchange that goes a little like this:

      To: sarajean80
      From: Sparky
      Subj: Re: E-Mail Job

      You’re PERFECT for the job! In fact, I like your attitude, your spunk, your go-get-em attitude. Forget what I said about no payments. I’d like to pay you $5 per E-Mail, if that’s okay with you. You can start immediately, and I’ll even give you a $50 hiring bonus. You’ll get 6 weeks of vacation a year and cost-of-living raises every 3 months.

      To: Sparky
      From: sarajean80
      Subj: Re: Re: E-Mail Job

      Excellent! Thank you very much, I’ll take it! Oh, and do you mind if I answer your E-Mails entirely in Middle English?

      To: sarajean80
      From: Sparky
      Subj: Re: Re: Re: E-Mail Job

      Absolutely, please feel free to answer E-Mails in the manner you feel is most appropriate. Welcome aboard! I just know you will make a fine addition to our little company, and may I just add how lovely it was to meet you in person.

      4. Ask for your $50.

      Adores: 54
      • 2010 September 30
        mudslicker permalink

        Oh, twist my arm, I must ADORE you again!

        Adores: 6
      • 2010 September 30

        Well done, Mindfield. My doors are being emailed, and they are non-deletable.

        Adores: 10
      • 2010 September 30
        Lola permalink

        #5. Profit!!!111!

        Adores: 12
        • 2010 September 30
          CapnMac permalink

          Forsooth. ab whe in Middle English spake; hie we mighte yet insiste on our purs be mayde in talons of golde?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 September 30
          EclecticBlue permalink

          Forget to put down your mugs, Capn? 🙂

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30
          CapnMac permalink

          I cannot imagine speeling in even mock middle-english with mugs–it would just read as sparky-speak . . .

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 September 30
        J-Dog permalink

        You have once again blown my mind Smiley Dog! Elebenty brazilian doors to you.

        Adores: 4
      • 2010 September 30

        :note to self…NEVER read anything the smiley-dog posts whilst a) sneezing..yes, I was really sneezing and b) giggling from earlier comments AND c) attempting to swallow the sip of water I just took:

        Hey, can I multi-task or can’t I?

        Okay, don’t answer that question.

        Elebenty-brazillion doors to you, you crazy puppy.

        Adores: 8
        • 2010 September 30
          mudslicker permalink

          Your first mistake CJ, was trying to swallow water while you were sneezing.

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 September 30

          mudsy…yeah, but the sneezing fit hit me in mid-swallow…probably brought on by the coldness of the water.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 September 30
          mudslicker permalink

          Oh. I’m glad I’m not allergic to cold water.

          Hehe… but seriously, I learned a long time ago to be very careful while reading this site. There are days it needs an “Enter at Your Own Risk” notice.

          Adores: 12
        • 2010 September 30

          Yeah. I’ve never snorted any sort of drink out my nose, but I’m pretty sure this site would do it if I wasn’t careful.

          Adores: 6
      • 2010 September 30

        You.are.my.HERO, Mindfield! Adores, too many to list.

        Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 1
        tigprincess permalink

        Mindfield – that is pure genius! We are not worthy. Have you thought of setting up an academy to teach this – you could make elebenty gazillions of groats and become even more of a super-star. ALL HAIL MINDFIELD !!!!!!!!!!!

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 1
        Mindfield permalink

        Well, now that you mention it, I was actually thinking of starting an online course tentatively called Are You Smarter Than a Craigslister? Classes would include: Illogic 101, Catmath 102+spatula, Geometry vs. Craigslist, Preventative French, and Identifying Lions (which would idendify lions by examining everything that is not a lion). Courses start as soon as I actually create the curricula.

        Adores: 1
    • 2010 September 30
      Kae permalink

      Exactly! It’s all Mobius-strippical, turn-back-on-itselfical, mind-bendingly-twistical.

      (Wow. This meth stuff really works. I can delete, like, 42 emails a minute at this rate!)

      Adores: 5
  6. 2010 September 30
    Windrose permalink

    Every day, dozens of poor Canadians are forced into slavery, answering emails for a few cents, which barely covers their snacks in the vending machines. Won’t you please give generously to the Canadian Email-Slaves Relief Fund? In return for your generous donation, which is tax deductible, you will receive a photo of the child or adult you personally saved from this vicious life style. Every year, during the holidays, you’ll receive a hand-written note from your adopted Canadian, translated into Shatnerese. Give often, give soon, operators are standing by. OR you can send your donation via email. Thank you.

    Adores: 29
    • 2010 September 30
      sarajean80 permalink

      Can I just tape a dollar bill to my monitor or does it have to be Canadian money?

      Adores: 9
      • 2010 September 30
        Lola permalink

        Put it into the CD-ROM slot, push it in, and then pull it out for your change.

        Adores: 10
        • 2010 September 30
          Bombdude permalink

          CD-ROM slot…? What’s that? I don’t think I have one of those…

          I have this really cool motorized coffee cup holder though!

          Adores: 16
      • 2010 September 30
        MandaB permalink

        Or try Pal-Pal. I suppose in Canada that would be Pal-Pal, Eh instead. Perhaps Lou can verify for us.

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 September 30
          Mindfield permalink

          No, that would be Peh Pal. At least in the more rural areas.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 1
          Lou Stool permalink

          I only just moved to Canadia less than 7 years ago, but I am quite certain it is indeed Peh!-pal. On a side note, I (having never journeyed into a strip club in my life) asked a buddy of mine how strippers make any money in Canada. He asked me what I meant, so I told him it is common practice to take dollar bills to the American clubs to distribute to the calassay nekkid ladies. And since they don’t have dollar bills in Canada, I asked him if the strippers wear little change belts like those guys at the carnival wear.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 1
          Lola permalink

          Don’t keep us hanging here, Lou! What did he say they do?

          Now that I think about it, the same must go for the UK. Pound coins only, if I recall correctly, no notes. Poor girls – the Dance of the Seven Veils just isn’t the same with a money belt, is it?*

          *I was going to say “fanny pack” but fanny has a different meaning there.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 1
          Lou Stool permalink

          Sorry, Lola, I must have forgotten. Apparently, they just give out $5 bills, albeit less frequently. Although, if you wanted to find out for yourself, just head up north and find out for yourself. Any club in Canada would be drooling over you.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 September 30

        Dollar bill? That’s just Looney!

        Adores: 14
    • 2010 September 30
      kelli permalink

      adopted Canadian, translated into Shatnerese

      So we’re forcing our adopted Canadians to wear girdles and bad toupees?

      Adores: 8
  7. 2010 September 30
    LurkRealClose permalink

    Oh, yesterday’s not-sucking is up! And I am again a winner! Although, I am utterly amused that I won for AC/DC and not Yeats.

    Best.Web.Site.Ever!

    Adores: 13
    • 2010 September 30
      EclecticBlue permalink

      Weeee, I win too! 🙂

      Adores: 7
    • 2010 September 30

      Thoroughly enjoyed everyone’s literary accomplishments yesterday. Nearly exhausted my supply of doors. Makes my day, everyday. Windy will be winded handing out well-deserved punches to you all.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 September 30
        Innana permalink

        Yeah, it’s too bad we can’t make a CD of those, poems read by Christopher Walken, and songs sung by Michael Bolton.
        For only 19.95!

        Adores: 10
        • 2010 September 30
          LurkRealClose permalink

          We can sell them on Craigslist!

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30
          Innana permalink

          Yeah, I already want one!

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 September 30
          AndieJD permalink

          Me, too! And I’ll put it in my cool jorts-with-bits-of-rags-stuck-onto-it purse!

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30

          OMG, “jorts” reminds me! The other day I was in some clothing store and I saw “treggings.” Trouser-leggings. What is the world coming to?

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 September 30
          Lola permalink

          *reads Brigete’s comment up to “treggings”*
          *goes blind*

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 September 30

          Whoops, in your bout of blindness, you dropped this “d” here.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 September 30
          Lola permalink

          Sorry, I … didn’t see that there.

          Bridgete 🙂

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30
          mudslicker permalink

          I’m waiting for someone to come up with “underpants”. These would be a combination of underwear and pants. What a concept, eh?

          I seriously need to get out more often. I’ve never heard of jorts, treggings, tresses, or bradumplings.

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 September 30
          Lola permalink

          Mudsy, trust us – you’ve seen them, but not having to see them named as such is noooo loss.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30
          CapnMac permalink

          May have been Phot is Unrelated, but there was a picture of a mannikin wearing a sweater, treggings, and also sans cullottes.

          Ok, not as bad as when “whale tail” was “high fashion” the mannikins no worse than the teeners about . . .

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 September 30
          BrainStew permalink

          Worse than “treggings” is “jeggings,” which I’m pretty sure is from the Gap and is legging-like-jeans or jean-like-leggings. They have this term plastered all over the fronts of some stores, and I swear it sounds like something similar to the special happy time shirt, just with jeans…

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 September 30
          EclecticBlue permalink

          Yeah, we discussed the abomination of jeggings that day, too…. And then I went into JC Penney, and there was a huge display -_-

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30
          CapnMac permalink

          YaY! BrainStew has an avatar, and has jumped into our fray! huzzah³!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 September 30
          BrainStew permalink

          Well, it was your poetic welcome that really forced me to comply. So give yourself at least e^(iπ)+2 huzzahs (apparently I am both a math and literature nerd!)

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 September 30
          CapnMac permalink

          Carefuk, you’ll make me feel all irrational <G>

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 September 30
          kelli permalink

          Carefuk

          That’s no way to talk our newbies Cap’n. Seriously, that’s my favorite typo today.

          Adores: 12
        • 2010 September 30
          LimeLolly permalink

          *hands Capn’ his lost ‘L’*

          I have plenty of them. 8)

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          Bombdude permalink

          e^(iπ)+2 huzzahs

          Translator, UP!

          *not a math nerd*

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30
          BrainStew permalink

          Simply put, e^(iπ)=-1 (i being the imaginary number, which is the square root of -1). It’s one of those weird coincidental identities that happen now and again in math.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Simply put

          Yeah, sure. Whatever.

          Adores: 12
        • 2010 September 30

          I got to carefuk and hiccupped decaf all down my white shirt. I should have been more carefuk while reading this site.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          BrainStew permalink

          Oh, don’t temp me to not simply put it. I could type out the whole proof…(or at least find it on wikipedia!)

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 September 30
          Bombdude permalink

          Oh, don’t temp me to not simply put it.

          OK, so… Is it bad that I’m kinda turned on by that?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30
          BrainStew permalink

          Depends on if it’s the promise of a mathematical proof (as opposed to a catmathical proof) that turns you on, or just the wording.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30
          Bombdude permalink

          Definitely a mathematical proof (although a good catmathical proof would be interesting too). Anybody can string syllables together…

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 September 30
          BrainStew permalink

          Oh okay, then no problem. Seems perfectly normal to me. I find a well analyzed astronomical data set can sometimes get me a bit hot under the collar.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          CapnMac permalink

          If you need a conceptual equivalent of i, the square root of -1,
          consider a deveice only wired with green wire, and a row of mecury trembler switches, but only in one plane, and with a bag of Skittles™ on top.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 1
          Bombdude permalink

          * wide eyed panic*

          ok, If there’s a timer, I’m out…

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 1
          CapnMac permalink

          Hey ‘Stew, could we suppose that

          K -> i^e >>> 1E06 joules = L

          Or, have I forgotten the smoked salmon and nonpareil capers?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 October 1
          BrainStew permalink

          I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. L? Are you going with Godel’s L? You need to use more clear terms! And is -> supposed to be if-then? Because (youare)->(Istillhavenoideawhatthehellyouaregoingonabout).

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 1
          tigprincess permalink

          19.99 Canadian dollars or USA or UK pounds of Euros or Indian Rupees or …. whichever its only 19.99. I’ll buy ….*thinks* … one.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 1
          Lola permalink

          It’s YSAC catmath, BrainStew. Hang around, you’ll get it. 🙂

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 1
          LimeLolly permalink

          L = Limes for margaritas… *holds the pitcher out*

          Who needs a refill?

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 September 30
        Windrose permalink

        *looks at Don’t Suck Golden Lotus*
        *counts recipients*
        *sharpens whole puncher some more*

        Heaven Help the Working Bird.

        Adores: 12
        • 2010 September 30
          kelli permalink

          whole puncher

          Is that how you’re able to punch all of us at once, Windy?

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 September 30
          Windrose permalink

          Yes, kelli, and I punch more than just the card. Bwahahaha! Ahem. Carry on, then.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 September 30
          AndieJD permalink

          Oh, hell. We’ve officially changed the name to the Don’t Suck Golden Lotus? No wonder it’s so humid and slippery in here.

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 September 30
          Bombdude permalink

          Imagine the extra work if you only had access to a half puncher…

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 September 30
      Mindfield permalink

      Well, to be fair, Angus Young had better vocals.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 September 30
        Innana permalink

        Yes, but his style does not fit the articulate, jewel-like precision of our songs, nor the intricate melodic lines.

        And we need integrity of emotion in the delivery.

        Adores: 6
      • 2010 September 30

        [corey] Bon Scott or Brian Johnson, surely… [/corey]

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 September 30
          kelli permalink

          After listening to The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins for what must be the brazillionth time, I have decided that I want Leornard Nimoy to vocalize all my comments.

          Adores: 10
      • 2010 September 30
        Bombdude permalink

        I can’t think of a single Angus Young vocal to compare.

        Innana, are you suggesting that Michael Bolton has/had “jewel-like precision”, “intricate, melodic lines” and/or “Integrity of emotion”???

        I would compare his integrity of emotion to that of Richard Simmons… He did have a good voice though…

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 1
          Innana permalink

          Am I suggesting that? Perhaps I suggest that Michael Bolton has all the integrity of emotion one needs for a Craigslist ad.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 September 30

      Congrats to all of you! Well deserved punches!
      Okay this will look weird down among the jorts and jeggings, so let me rephrase:
      [Coach Z]Congorge-allations on a jorb well done![/Coach Z]

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 October 1
        Jen permalink

        Water + keyboard. Sigh. Add ‘unexpected Strongbad reference’ to list of reasons I need a new keyboard.

        Adores to you christina! I read the jort post on FB and found I was reading the whole rest of my news feed in a Coach Z voice. It made me happy. 🙂

        Adores: 2
  8. 2010 September 30
    Litarider permalink

    With a mere 15 seconds to reply, does my response have to be my final answer?

    Adores: 12
  9. 2010 September 30

    Sorry I’m late, but it took me a while to download all 300 billion of the daily emails sent on the intertubes into the database in my orbiting cave of technological wonders and then delete them.

    Just wait till Sparky gets my bill!

    I’m rich!!*

    *Won’t be snarking much for the next four days, off to a big dog show!

    Adores: 13
    • 2010 September 30
      Innana permalink

      You know, I’m sure it’s not, but that really sounds like a euphemism.

      Adores: 9
    • 2010 September 30

      So that’s what the kids are calling it these days…

      Adores: 7
    • 2010 September 30
      AndieJD permalink

      Is that a big show featuring dogs, or a show featuring big dogs, such as the 6-foot canine from the other day? Because that would be a show worth traveling quite a distance to see.

      Adores: 10
      • 2010 September 30
        Camille permalink

        Seems to me you would be able to see them from quite a distance, so you might not have to travel very far.

        Adores: 12
      • 2010 September 30
        mudslicker permalink

        If you’re Ed Sullivan, it’s a really big shooooowwww……

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          CapnMac permalink

          If Ed is the host, won’t we need a medium to pick up the patter?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 September 30
          LurkRealClose permalink

          No, since he’s dead we can use a slow.

          Adores: 8
    • 2010 September 30

      It’s a costume party!

      Anyone want to come?

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 September 30
        kelli permalink

        Why does that sound so dirty?

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 September 30
          EclecticBlue permalink

          I don’t know, Hammy, that decision is a hard on to make… :-p

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 September 30
          Bombdude permalink

          Why does that sound so dirty?

          I dunno… maybe because Hammy said it? 😀

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          Astrognash permalink

          Don’t pet the puppy, whatever you do.

          Adores: 8
    • 2010 September 30

      If you leave the keys to the cave, we would be happy to shoot laser beams take over the world do some light house keeping and water the plants while your gone. 😀
      Seriously, have fun and take lots of puppeh pics!

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 September 30

        You guys are all welcome to play with my “laserbeam”in the cave or wonders, just plan ahead for the 22,000 mile drive to geostationary orbit.

        Please stay out of the room marked “wardrobe” and remember to jiggle the handle after you flush.*

        *The blue water evacuation valve is stall aimed at candorman’s porch so please flush often.

        Adores: 13
        • 2010 September 30
          CapnMac permalink

          <cue Jimmy Buffet: “Gypsies In the The Palace”>

          Just remember to not [redacted] the [redacted], or [redacted] will happen, and it’s not as easy to clean up as a person might imagine.

          hey, Snake, We need more wine!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30
          Windrose permalink

          Hammy, what happens if I push this big red button marked DO NOT PUSH?

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30
          Astrognash permalink

          Hammy, can I use the laserbeam to incinerate this one ROTC kid? He’s a real douche. He follows the band around everywhere and is practically a groupy, but all he does is trash the band.

          Also, can I blow up KFC? They RAN OUT OF CHICKEN.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30
          AndieJD permalink

          Oh no, ROTC-boy did NOT trash Astro and his band. Oh HELL no. Nobody trashes our Astro and gets away with it.

          Hows about Hammy just incinerates parts of douche-boy. And the Snarkers can follow him around with our pitchforks and torches, and our sharp tongues, and we’ll SNARK the lil’ bunghole to death. ‘Cuz we is POWERFUL protective of our tender little shoots of humanity ’round hyah. Mmm-HMMM. Don’t MAKE us go all YSaC on his ass now.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30
          Astrognash permalink

          Will you beat him like a black momma?

          **Oh, hello, Al, nice to hear from you!**

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 September 30
          AndieJD permalink

          You know dass right. He be beggin’ fo’ da mercy o’ Clothespin Jeebus, we gits through wit ‘im. MMMM-HMMMM.

          ** walks away mumbling

          Punk-ass lil’ ROTC mofo gon’ git all up in our Astrognash and his band bidness. He don’ know who he messin’ wit all up in hyah…

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30
          Bombdude permalink

          I can drive on over to Cary High and show him what the real military teaches…

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 September 30
          Astrognash permalink

          You’re in the Research Triangle?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30
          CapnMac permalink

          Some sort of speeling outbreak, it’s clear that should have read “mamba” a ludicrously dangerous snake that can require much beating.

          Speaking of snake, Does your JROTC have any food allergies to reptiles? I know some folk over to Little Creek who might can explain that one often shouts loudest be being quietest . . .

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 September 30
          Windrose permalink

          *shrugs, pushes red button*

          Huh. Nothing happ

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          Bombdude permalink

          Yes Astro… I am your neighbor.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 September 30

          The red button orders pizza, I got tired of calling so I automated it.
          It’s always free too, they can never make it to the cave in 30 minutes or less…

          Adores: 7
  10. 2010 September 30
    EclecticBlue permalink

    *sniffle* Even with liberal application of cacheBgone (and even an emergency application of cookiesBgone!), I’m still getting nginx more often than not. Guess I won’t be commenting much today… Maybe I’ll get to work on this gigantic project my boss just gave me :-p

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 September 30

      Sometimes I also have to clear “configured accounts” and “authenticated sessions” before it finally works.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 September 30
        EclecticBlue permalink

        Of course, as soon as I start planning and figuring out this stinking project (won’t go into TOO much detail, but it involves cross-referencing a 1252 page PDF with 300 pages of online educational material, UGH) the site decides to behave :-p

        Adores: 5
    • 2010 September 30
      sarajean80 permalink

      :consults The Great Big Book of Kickasstastic Spells:

      According to this book I bought on eBay for $0.99, you have to dance around your work station wearing a bikini made of pineapple Jell-O and then cover the screen in marshmallow fluff while singing “Baby’s Got Back” backwards.

      Wait, that’s how you get rid of trolls. For nginx errors you have to wear a coat made of marshmallow fluff and dress your computer in a bikini made of bologna. You still have to sing “Baby’s Got Back” backwards, though.

      I’m beginning to think I overpaid for this book.

      Adores: 10
      • 2010 September 30
        EclecticBlue permalink

        Do you think I can substitute marshmallow fondant for the marshmallow fluff? I can cannibalize my cake if it’ll save YSaC :-p

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30
          kelli permalink

          I made friends with my computer gremlins and have had no problems since. They love small woodland creatures covered in Velveeta. The creatures should be live when delivered. I’m not sure what they do with the creatures, but they assure me it’s legal if not completely moral.

          Adores: 6
      • 2010 September 30
        Bombdude permalink

        But you have to leave the webcam on and unfluffed!!! It is IMPERATIVE that your dance be judged by a jury of your peers (that would be us’ns) to critique, just in case you missed a step and the nginx errors don’t go away.

        Might have to do it two or three times…

        Adores: 5
  11. 2010 September 30

    *Considers the amount she billed for, per email, as a law clerk (not even a real attorney) at her last internship*

    Yeah, thanks Sparky, but I think I’ll pass.

    Adores: 9
    • 2010 September 30
      WendyBear permalink

      I had to hire an education attorney… $300/hour, time spent on writing emails also at that rate. Not cheap. $5 per MINUTE. She gave an itemized statement, too. I didn’t want to think that I was paying someone that much to write an email!

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 September 30
        Lola permalink

        The hourly rate covers everything they, or their minions,* do. It’s not adjusted depending on “ease” of task.

        *Example: me, sometimes

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          AndieJd permalink

          Lola, you are not.a.minion. Something tells me you are the brains and talent behind the whole operation.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 September 30
          Lola permalink

          Thanks, Andie! That and a couple of bucks will get me a coffee from Pret! 8)

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 September 30
        Windrose permalink

        WendyBear! Long time no snark! Good to see you, hope you drop in more often.

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 1
        CapnMac permalink

        Ok, even after much consideration (and needing to not think about a recent football game), I find I cannot wrap my perception around the idea of “education attorney.”

        But, I find I have similar trouble with the concept that the IRS and DoAg both seem to need SWAT teams, too.

        Adores: 0
  12. 2010 September 30

    I will leave you with an earworm


    Emails for sale or rent
    15 seconds…for 2 cents.
    No members, no recruits, no payments
    Email for further details
    Ah, but..10 minutes of readin’ room
    Buys an eighty cent macaroon
    I have menial jobs and leins
    King asshat and toad.

    Adores: 21
    • 2010 September 30
      ActionBatch permalink

      LOVE.

      You can have all the doors I own for that one. And I’ll throw in some lub for free! ^_^

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 September 30

        *Borrows Bridgete’s E, sticks it on the end of lub*
        There, now it’s more Ham-worthy.
        😀

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30
          EclecticBlue permalink

          If you borrowed an E, then wouldn’t her name be Bridget? 🙂

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30

          Or Bridgte?

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30

          Hey! My E! I need that! 😛

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 September 30
          Astrognash permalink

          Can I take a T, Bridgee?

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30

          Just don’t take the B. We don’t need any more idgetes running about.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 1

          Or ridgetes, even. 😉

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 1

          Whoops! I guess the r was hiding because the big bad B wasn’t there to protect him from the other letters 😉

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 September 30

      Ahhh…bittersweet the memories….

      Of a father singing that li’l ditty to his daughter, instead of lullabyes…

      Of the same father, many, many years later just yesterday looking into his baby girl’s eyes with no hint of recognition….

      Adores: 13
      • 2010 September 30
        Windrose permalink

        Oh, CJ. That’s such a touching reflection. I’d hug you if I could. And if you wanted me to. 8) I keep hoping for breakthroughs in research, as there’s a pretty good chance I’ll be the one in twenty years of so with no hint of recognition. What a strange path we choose in our lives.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30
          AndieJD permalink

          (((CJ)))
          Much huggage and love to you, my friend. And bees be upon your Dad.

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 September 30
        Grampdaddy permalink

        Bunches of hugs to you, CJ. That non-recognition is just about the hardest thing to bear. I’d like to tell you it gets easier, but it doesn’t. Know I will keep you and your family in my thoughts (and tears).

        Adores: 6
      • 2010 September 30
        LurkRealClose permalink

        ((((((((((CJ)))))))))))

        My father sang that to me, as well. I can only imagine my sadness if he no longer recognized me.

        Adores: 4
      • 2010 September 30

        More hugs,thoughts, and strength, CJ.

        Adores: 3
      • 2010 September 30

        Hugs from me too.

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 September 30
        Lola permalink

        And here. I know someone going through the same as you right now, with her mother.
        (((((((MANY HUGS)))))))

        Adores: 4
      • 2010 September 30

        We went through the same thing with my grandmother. It’s so difficult. My sympathies.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 September 30
        Kae permalink

        I just lost my dad who sang that to me as a kid…hugs, hugs, and more hugs to you!

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 September 30
          LurkRealClose permalink

          And big hugs to you, Kae, for your loss.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 September 30
        camille permalink

        Hugs from me too, CJ.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 1
        tigprincess permalink

        Hugs again from me – you made me cry thinking of my mother, so many years ago. Hold onto the good memories.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 1

          Wow…just.wow.. I…you..sigh…

          :pauses for tear-filled outbreak:

          Ahem…better…

          Words fail me, all I can think is…thank you, I need all the hugs I can get these days.

          You people are truly, truly, truly a God-send for me.

          Adores: 2
  13. 2010 September 30
    kelli permalink

    I think my boss planted this ad. He’s trying to make me grateful for my barely above minimum wage less than 20 hours a week job. Well played, Bossman, well played.

    Adores: 10
  14. 2010 September 30

    This is spooky.

    I have a Canadian commissioner who hasn’t answered his e-mail in over a week, despite me desperately needing to contact him because the bank won’t cash his check.
    Could this be the answer why he hasn’t replied ?!

    Adores: 4
  15. 2010 September 30
    AndieJD permalink

    Did you make sure to write your email in Canadian?

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 September 30

      You’re right. It needed more “eh”s and references to moose and bacon.

      (Actually just got a note from him on another website. And the money issue is resolved. Hooray)

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 September 30

        Thank you for reminding me. I’m sending you an email tonight.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 September 30

          If my lycos e-mail address bounces back your e-mail (which is what happened with Canadian guy) try Lazuli_7 AT yahoo DOT com.

          (taking away the spaces and replacing the at with @ and dot with . of course)

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 September 30
          christina permalink

          I sent it to both, just to be safe.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 September 30

          Replied!

          Adores: 1
  16. 2010 September 30
    AndieJD permalink

    BrainStew said: “apparently I am both a math and literature nerd!”

    Then you will be a fine addition to the Snark Lounge. And I shall call you Brainsy. Get a beer from the Keg-Er-Ator over there, and make yourself comfortable. Did you bring your Snuggie?

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 September 30
      BrainStew permalink

      I was thinking I would get BS (totally not planned, really, no…). And the term Snuggie always makes me think that its a blanket made from the pelts of teddy bears that sell fabric softener, which is perhaps why I have never bought one…

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 September 30
        kelli permalink

        I could call you Bra but I’m not sure how much support I’d get.

        What?

        Adores: 10
        • 2010 September 30
          BrainStew permalink

          I give you a D for that joke. I’d give you two, but I don’t have that heft ; )

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          Windrose permalink

          We sound like we are in our cups tonight.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 September 30
          CapnMac permalink

          Only you distaff scribes, we presume.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 September 30
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Yes, there’s nobody else in my cups tonight.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30
          Windrose permalink

          We could go for Stewie. It’s good stew weather in So Cal tonight.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 September 30

          Or we could go the troll who shall not be named route and call you CerebralSoup, GrayMatterBisque, CranialSimmer, or ThoughtfulBoullebaise. 🙂

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 September 30
          BrainStew permalink

          If I was stupid enough to drink anything while reading comments here I would have destroyed my laptop upon reading ThoughtfulBoullebaise.

          Adores: 5
    • 2010 September 30
      Astrognash permalink

      Does that mean we’re not leaving her out to placate the zomb-

      Adores: 7
  17. 2010 September 30
    AndieJD permalink

    Well, according to the Tshirt SaraJean wants, when the zomb- come, she will be tripping Brainsy.

    Adores: 2
  18. 2010 October 1
    Windrose permalink

    All right, box tops, line up against the wall and no one gets hurt. LRC, Punchity! Hammy, Punch! EB, Punch! Andie, Punch! Kelli, Punch! Mindfield, Punch! Innana, Punch!

    G’Night, Quebeck Ish!

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 October 1
      EclecticBlue permalink

      Oof! No wonder I’m so sore today…. :-p

      Adores: 1

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