YSaC, Vol. 795: Fly Teleport like an Eagle.
Free Haunted Stuffed Hawk
I recently relocated to Georgia for work and found a stuffed hawked left in the corner of the otherwise empty garage. I thought it was really neat so i kept it and put it in the living room. The second night I was there I woke up and found it in the kitchen on top of the refrigerator. I live by myself, so my first assumption was that someone broke in and stole stuff and moved it in the process but when I checked, nothing was gone. The follow night it moved again. This time to the downstairs bathroom. It stopped for a while but it still happens about once or twice a month. I tried throwing it in the garbage but I find it in the house again the next morning. I don’t know what or why it’s happening, but I want it gone. Please give me a call if you want this hawk. If you are a paranormal skeptic maybe you are more comfortable with it in your house. I want it out.
most recently about five years ago Finally, you get so used to your new abode that you know where everything is without even looking. I’m sure that this sequence will eventually prevail for Sparky here. Over time, you get used to it, and stop imagining silly things like objects moving on their own. This is really . Things do NOT just spontaneously move themselves around. I’ve moved many times in my life, . At first, it does seem a little disorienting, especially if you have new possessions to go with your new abode. hard to believe
Post for the thanks, Katharine!
The jumbled are all words up!
Is it terrible that I didn’t really notice? I mean, I noticed that the first “five year” bit didn’t make much sense, but I figured that was just me, and that it made sense to everyone else.
Waiter? I’ll have what she’s having.
Monster Khaos and 5/500 hydrocodone, for the record :-p Definitely altered mental state today, I went into a giggle fit because I couldn’t throw a paper airplane at my coworker :-p
Hey, that sounds like what happened in English today.
Except the giggles actually made sense. Oedipus Rex is a play that can be used for so many jokes.
After all, it’s all about mother-lovin’.
** Thinks to self, “Hmm. I should probably push the stewardess button. I don’t speak jive.”
The numbers ‘172’ can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
This keeps happening in my house too!
Things like the remotes for the TV, car keys, and my favorite wooden spoon. It’s inexplicable! They just keep moving around on their own and…
What? No, why would I put them there?!
Ok, apparently my car keys had teleported themselves into the freezer… again.
My keys have a bad habit of teleporting into my left hand while I’m frantically searching my purse with the right.
My glasses do that…only they’re on my head while I look for them.
Taco, if you’re leaving the keys in the freezer, you might just ha-
what was I talking about?
Where am I?
WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
Since the teenagers moved out, there’s been a lot less of this happening at my house.
Moved out – and took the poltergeists with them, sounds like!
When I moved out my parents had to wait until I got a house before shipping all the poltergeists to me.
Now they’re using the old poltergeist room as an exercises and computer room.
Windy — thanks. There’s hope for me yet. My car keys, that I know I left in my purse, somehow end up in my son’s pocket. “No one” know how they got there. Now I know that it the “poltergeists”. I was blaming the cats.
Glad to help, Artsy. And so glad you didn’t jump to the obviously incorrect assumption that your son had anything to do with it. 8)
Story-time!
A friend of mine from work told me this story about her sister – Little things like rings, her watch, and her keys kept dissappearing and turning up in odd places like under the couch or in a pair of shoes she rarely wore and she could not figure out why. One day she walks into her bedroom to find the cat she recently adopted standing on her dresser with a piece of her jewelry in it’s mouth. The klepto cat had been stealing her stuff and hiding it.
Kind of like a small furry poltergeist but, you know, real.
A friend of mine had a ferret that did that. But, seeing as it was a ferret, nobody was really surprised.
KleptoKat!
I wonder if it was attracted to the sparkliness of the items?
My cat, BtheInsane, has two fetishes…one is shoes, but most of them are too big to drag and hide successfully so he just lays with his nose inside them.
The other is brushes…blush brushes, hair brushes, lip brushes, you name it the cat can’t resist. His favorite hiding place is under one of the recliners in my living room. About once every couple of months I move it and retrieve missing items.
Fearless has a thing for shoes too. The only pair light enough for her to steal are my mock Crocs, she will periodically drag them under a chair and have her way with them. The others she molests in place.
Severus loves shoes too. He doesn’t drag them off anywhere. I think he could steal my flip-flops if he tried, but he seems to be content with molesting them in plain view.
Tron loves shoes as well. The laces in particular are a thing of great joy and fun for him. And if you don’t watch him close enough he’ll start chewing on TacoMa’am’s flip flops.
He’s getting to that age where everything is a chew toy. You might want to hide your game controllers.
My kitten likes shoes–the older cat could care less. Actually, the kitten is obsessed with socks… MrEB leaves them lying around anyway, butI see them in way more odd places since we got the kitten. As for Mini, he likes picking up the shoes and handing them to the kitten… Mini and Kitten love each other so much, it’s freaking adorable. Mini is good at game controllers, though–the one time he was able to grab an xbox controller, he held it correctly and wiggled the sticks with his thumbs :-p
My catulator will occasionally sprawl on my zori; he only occasionally distracts himself with the laces of my boat shoes that are (usually) nearby. Tho- there was one time he was sleeping with his head on the toe of the topsiders.
My calico Cal (creative, I know) loves hair bands, and my orange monster Pumpkin has an affinity for cotton swabs. He’ll dig through the trash to find them, it really is very strange.
Kitten likes to dig other things out of the bathroom trash…. It’s awkward.
Laurel, your cat loves hair bands? Mine listen to more of the tree-hugging hippie crap than Poison and the like.
I knew it was the cats!!!
MiniEB is clearly a genius. I expect him to begin posting here next week.
Well, if EB gets him the
YOUR BABY CAN EAD!No, that not right…CAN YOUR BABAY READ?One more time… Youl Baby Can Read set, I wouldn’t be surprised.I once had a girlfriend who would mysteriously and involuntarily teleport into other guys’ beds. It was pretty creepy. Eventually she got so lost that she never found her way back. I hope she’s okay… wherever she is…
She’s fine.
Oh, thank God. Would you bring her back?
Did you leave your junk in her trunk, D/DM?
A gentleman doesn’t talk about things like that.
But yes.
I think you spelled “butt” wrong.
Can you tell her to give the Ninja Turtle suit back? It’s a rental.
My money keeps teleporting itself out of my bank account. I tried throwing the bank statements in the garbage, but the money keeps leaving. I don’t know why this happens, but I want it to stop. Please give me a call if you are a paranormal skeptic and can help me make this stop.
LRC, I’d be happy to help you. Simply transfer all your money into my account and I guarantee it will never again go missing from yours.
You’re such a good friend. 😀
Anything for
your moneyyou, LRC 🙂Way too early in the morning to try to read haunted commentary.
Who said that?
Shhhh, she’ll hear you…
“she who must be obeyed”….
You rang?
ALL HAIL THE
HYPNO-DOGSPONCHO MOOSE!I only know one thing….Dan, give me the number to contact this guy, I want the haunted eagle. Then, I can train it to fight crime with me, *warning: peek into my head* as I will have become “Ghost Man!”
*Insert theme song here.*
Ewww! I can see your brains and stuff! They look squishy.
Zomb-!
Speaking of Zomb, I have jury duty today…
Sparkys beware!
They’re putting a zomb- on trial? How silly.
Hammy, I said….
*Insert theme song here.*
I’m pretty sure that’s your cue. Maybe. Maybe not. Whatever. Meh, I don’t really care, I don’t need a theme song…..I’m going to make some sammiches.
NMN I wouldn’t go around asking Hammy to insert things. That normally involves massive quanties of margarine or Pam.
The thought of HamCan on jury duty is scarier than a haunted taxidermied raptor.
Raptor?
“Raptor” in this sense means “bird of prey” not the laughably oversized dinosaurs from the Jurassic Park franchise.
I know what a raptor is. I’m just kidding. Raptor = osprey, hawk, falcon, eagle, any bird that eats other birds.
*Pouts*
And here I was getting all prepared to talk about the F22. Meanie!
The F22? Do tell – I don’t have that on my keyboard.
F22=shift+F10 on mine.
Silly Christina, F22 isn’t a capitalized F10.
Ham, on a jury panel?
Ok, he should be allowed to go home unless they can demonstrate the sparkie on trial is his peer.
Otherwise, it is just the judicial system torturing the sane and sensible with the bizzaro and whaked-ness. For $6 cash in my county.
I think that’s what it is here, Cap’n. Minus the six dollars it costs to park in the municipal lot.
@kelli –
I’ve always thought they could make a killing if they made flavored (strawberry, etc) Pam. Especially in the San Francisco area……….
No jury for me…Did get all the way through the selection process though…I think by saying I would believe an officer of the law over a Sparkyasshat may have had something to do with my dismissal…
(I’m really not crazy…much…*twitch*)
I was really a little disappointed, I’ve been called to jury duty 6 times and never gotten on a trial. Every time because the Sparky plea bargained…
It’s really what our system is all about and participating in it is kinda cool. 🙂
I have never had jury duty. I was called once but I had recently moved and was no longer in the same part of the county, so they said I couldn’t go. Maybe I’m just not anyone’s peer. There does seem to be a dirth of crazy poncho robot moose, in recent years. I blame global climate change.
Raptor? Shit, it killed her.
Aww, I really really wanted to do jury duty but I got called up in my last year of school, just before exams. 🙁 Now I never can. Stupid law school… It would be so awesomesauce to be a juror! Well, probably actually really boring and lame in practice, but the concept! Ok, I really just want to get to casually throw out “oh, no, I can’t do coffee today, I’m deciding the future of our nation’s asschapeaux this week”.
I wanted to do jury duty, too… I was called during the summer while I was in college, and I showed up for the choosing bit and everything, but they didn’t want me. *shrugs* Ah well…
Ewww, gross – brains! I’m gonna poke ’em with this stick I found. Don’t worry, it’s clean. The dog licked it.
:poke:
:poke:
:poke:
:squish:
Oops.
Dang, SaraJean, there goes NMN’s Algebra 1 class. Please don’t poke that spot to the left, that’s where the location of the car keys is. Take that out and NMN will think the house is haunted.
Don’t worry, I’m sure it was nothing important. I do it all the time and I’m fine sprocketdishwasherraspberry.
I think my dishwasher should sound like raspberries.
*blink* I have no idea what I was talking about… Well, I amused at least 5 people, so that works :-p
No Haunted Eagle, but I do have a Giant Eagle theme song in stock. It’s kind of got a death metal vibe and is inspired by the grocery store chain in Western PA. I’ll take $50 for it…
How many Obos does that convert to? I have 35 firm ones…
Sounds a porcupine . . .
if that condition last more than four hours, you’ll likely need a reed specialist.
Hehe, that reminds me of the Fake AP Style Guide tweet thingy… “Don’t worry if you use an en-dash instead of an em-dash. There are pills for that now.”
Speaking of fake English and grammar advice, have you seen this
English Advising bear on Old Books is hysterical. William Shakespeare getting run over by a bus. Too funny.
EAGLES!
**ahem**
Our Marching Band’s show this year is “That’s Where Eagles Fly”, you know.
Actually, today’s Eagle-related earworm is yesterday’s, revived: was having lunch with a friend and the bar was playing “Life in the Fast Lane.”
Ooh, vintage Joe Walsh, with some eagles for a rhythm section . . .
(LitFL was released my Jr year in HS)
Pet for my
demoniclovely dolly…found.Are birds good at water sports?
Birds won the gold for water polo in the 1912 olympics.
Perhaps dolly shape-shifts?
So….you think the eagle is haunted and moves around by itself? Does that stick move around too, and the base as well? Yes? So, would you say it’s possible for a STICK and WOODEN PLATFORM to be haunted? Let me answer that for you. The eagle is not haunted, nor are the stick or base haunted, you obviously just sleepwalk, or get very drunk. Or you have gremlins in your house, who come out at night.
Sleep tight.
Dude, don’t blame the gremlins! They’ve got a lawer now!
I can’t stop shouting! Why am I shouting! HELP! I KEEP SHOUTING!
“Lawer”???!?! 8)
Crap. Uhh, the computer gremlins made me spell it wrong.
Have you also not given the computer gremlins their needed sacrifice? How many times must I tell y’all. Small woodland creature. Velveeta.
*mutters* no one listens to me until after the computer gremlins are angry
That’s the gremlins making you shout, Taco. Just to confuse us from the fact that they are (mostly) evil.
Ahem. My clients prefer the term “scaly miniature Americans.”
Well, your clients are…. their moms… are going to college. Yeah.
It looks like EB’s lucidity is finally starting to slip.
Well, yes, I wasn’t really doubting that. But I’ve got a department meeting now, and then going for curry with coworkers, so we’ll see how lucid I am in a couple hours :-p *fixes 5 lazyfingers*
EB is simply demonstrating that if inserting a “your mom” joke makes anything funny, the “their moms” makes it extra funny times the number of moms in the joke.
Ahem. My clients prefer the term “scaly miniature Americans.”
Small politicians? Sorry, forgot the evil part. Politicians, that is.
Y, Taco? Y? Y?
NMN, as you progress through your college career, you will learn many things.
One of those things you may learn is that people have differing capacities at drink.
Further, that their perceptions of their abilities are often in inverse proportion to reality.
Also, that such people often have mean, awful, evil, permanent-adolescent “friends” handy to take advanatge of them.
So, Spark’ is likely a 2, maybe 3, beer drunk. (Even if 5, still does not matter.) He passes out, and after the beer runs out and the girls all leave the churls behind, they get bored and move Spark’s stuff around.
Spark’ may be used to all the stuff in his house being dissarray, so the only thing that stands out is his stuffed bird. A couple days later, like as not.
If that’s what is happening, he might want to check and see if the “ghost” is drawing penises on his face with a Sharpie.
Ummm…I’ve heard that can happen when people pass out.
Has there been a post in the last few weeks where the word “penis” has not shown up somewhere in the comments?
http://xkcd.com/95/
Everythings’ better with penises!
Mmmmmm…That looks wrong.
Oh, I put the apostrophe in the wrong place!
I’m sorry I brought a penis into the comments today; I had no other use for it.
If you have a penis then waving it around the comments is the least of your worries, kelli.
sj, I never said the penis was mine, just that I had no use for it.
Sparky’s “stuffed bird stands out”.
Well done there, Capn -it almost appears that wasn’t intentional.
That’s what Sparky gets for moving into level 4 of a mousoleum. Could have been worse – could have been a raven.
Yeah, when the hawk gets to the swing set, give us a call.
If it was a raven, it would happen only once. After that – nevermore.
Only if there was a pallid bust of Pallas nearby.
And a few quaint and curious volumes of forgotten lore nearby for it to read when it gets bored.
Maybe if I had a decent chamber door…
If he had only been more intelligent, instead of this thing, he would’ve gotten a blackbird singing in the dead of night.
But it would take those broken wings and learn to fly, and then he wouldn’t have it anymore.
LRC, while I laughed my metaphorical ass off at that, I think Astro was conceived when that song was already on its way off the charts.
But I will say, you are in FINE poncho today. Have you lost lice?
And yet I still know (most of) the words to it.
The Beatles were the greatest statement the 20th Century had to say in regards to pop music. I think they will be remembered in regards to it as we remember Bach in regards to the Baroque Period.
Why, thank you. I have been working out. *preens* *scratches*
Astro – I agree. Except that I know all the words.
Actually, that’s not the song I was thinking of. I was thinking of Mr. Mister’s “Broken Wings (I didn’t say it was a GOOD song). Alas, Uncle Google informs me that song was released in 1985 which, if you do the math, means our beloved Astro (may his baritone remain ever free of urine) was conceived 10 YEARS AFTER that song was released. OMG. I can’t stand it.
We need to find a medium. Unfortunately, I’m an extra large. I also resent the implication that taxidermied avians would be evil when haunted. What has this bird done that has hurt Sparky? Confused him? Oh! Call The Police! What an outrage! Poor hawkie.
[matt][/matt] Here, Windrose, I b’lieve you dropped these.
Thanks, CJ! I looked all over for those and couldn’t find them.
*Holds up a petri dish*
Agar?
OOOH, I loved John Agar in those Roger Corman movies….hey, maybe this haunted hawk thing is FROM a Roger Corman movie!
I love Chicken Mole!
Don’t know why I would mention that. 8)
Did Roger Corman do the movie Attack of the Chicken Mole People?
Mmmm, pollo con mole … it’s a little early for that but now I’m hungry again.
Nope, just “Mole People”.
“Hey, that’s not a mole, it’s just a drop of sauce.”
I pity the mole!
I don’t think The Police do much live music anymore. They’re kind of old.
They are, but that’s not why they don’t do live music, at least not together.
I think they hate each other, don’t they?
Yeah, being old never stopped the Rolling Stones, or Kiss, or Pink Floyd, or…
“Live” is kind of a relative term for some of them, however, of those who do still play.
“Old” is apparently a relative term as well.
Many of my relatives are old.
Well, older than me.
[Pink Floyd corey]
In the case of the Floyd, being dead (RIP Richard Wright) and the war with Roger Waters tends to keep them from performing live any more.
[/corey]
True, but right up to that whole death thing, they were performing. Heck, at their reunion performance at live 8 most of them were in their 60s.
As far as I’m concerned, Pink Floyd died right around the release of “The Final Cut”.
But didn’t they get a van and turn into a crime-fighting team, with a scruffy-looking roadie and his lovable dog?
The A-Team didn’t have a dog.*
*No, I’m not stupid, I just had to talk about a different group of people in a van.
*Pours NMN a cup of coffee*
You might want this.
Why would you think that?
After a while they* dropped the whole “We’re a band that happens to solve crimes.” bit and became just crime-solving freelance ghostbusters. Because solving mysteries on spec is so much more profitable than being in a band.
*The other group in a van, not the A-Team. I would give a fair amount of Monopoly money to see Mr. T sing “Tiny Bubbles” and shake a tambourine, though.
Do you think Keith Richards continues to get old? Or in his preserved zomb- state, is he kind of like Haunted Hawkie here, he’s just frozen in time? (Although we know how Keith Richards moves from place to place, since everyone can see the roadies moving him on that hand truck.)
I can’t remember which standup comedian it was – Richard Belzer or maybe Denis Leary – who said that two things will survive nuclear holocaust: cockroaches, and Keith Richards. He’ll see the big light and think it’s time to play.
Actually, I kind of have a soft spot for Keef. He said in a recent interview that he once considered being a librarian, which is an awesome professional shout-out.
Careful, we probably do not want to see that portrait hidden in the closet somewhere.
He’s an animatronic robot they stole from the Pirates of the Carribbean ride. They just dressed him different.
Which explains why he was in PotC III {G}
The real Keith Richards was the shrunken head that was supposed to be Jack Sparrow’s mom. Clearly.
Lola, it may have been Denis Leary, as I remember him going on a Keith Richards rant maybe 20 years ago. I think he took offence to Keith appearing on a public service announcement telling kids not to do drugs. “Um, Keith, you’ve already done them all. We’re all waiting for you to die so we can smoke your ashes!”
Dear Great Ostrimu – the commentary on this so much. I love
Words posessed. my are because teleporting they are
By Yoda. the Ostrimu possessed has been
This was written on the board today in band:
“Always, your best, do.
To the softball field. Rejoice! Gladly!
~Yoda”
Silly Sparky, he’s found himself a Redbud dooby Hawk.
The haunted hawk isn’t the problem — he needs an exterminator for all those haunted mice the thing has been chasing.
Good thing I’ve got a lease
That allows pets if deceased
I want him him. And I’m going to name him Stephen. Stephen Hawking. I’m putting him next to my Joe Cocker Spaniel after I get him stuffed.
Actually, my favorite thing about this ad is that he describes the creature as a “hawked.” The past tense is weirdly correct for a late bird.*
* No, he is NOT pining for the fjords. If he were, he would just teleport to the fjords.
Not only that, but it’s a “stuffed hawked”. Sounds like that cough had a prize.
Please somebody local buy this and some how get it back inside the seller’s house a week or so later!
That would be awesome.
I’d put it on the windowsill outside his bedroom.
Or inside his car.
Oooh, no – the shower!
Bolt it upside down to his ceiling.
The ceiling fan.
And then, if you are truly evil, you could unscrew all of the light bulbs in the room and procure a boombox with a recording of hawk cries.
I’d save it for Halloween. Put it on his porch and ring the doorbell.
Trick or Treat
Smell my claws
Gimme something good to eat.
Or something like that….
How do you know he has a porche, Mudsy? Maybe he has a Volvo or a Subaru.
I think Taco and Mr. Winkey spilled the beans on what kind of car Sparky has.
I’d copy the gnome stealers and send it on a trip first and have it send pics of itself to Sparky with the same note each time, “I miss you.” After about 2 or 3 months, I’d put it right outside Sparky’s doorstep with a tiny suitcase filled with souveniers.
We had a pair of Tiki figures stolen from our front porch that I keep hoping to get correspondence from. We also lost a gnome a few weeks ago who hasn’t written either.
Lawn ornaments these days, it’s like they can’t be bothered to write or something.
Have you checked your e-mail’s spam folder? Many of today’s lawn ornaments are far more comfortable e-mailing than writing. Unfortunately, all they want to do is tell you about penis enlargement, viagra, and the Nigerian prince that they met.
Put him on a skateboard covered Roomba and call him Tony.
I would clean out his refrigerator, then put Birdy in it, with a pile of ground beef laying around him.
Astro, he’s a drunken semi-narcoleptic, you’d be better off trying to clean the stoner’s kitchen for the HP damage to your DNA that the fridge door handle alone would do . . .
OFF ON A TANGENT:
I’ve been getting this strange call this week on my answerphone. A man asks, “Do you have a small dog?”, then nothing, then a click. Identical calls. Every day this week.
Is my answerphone haunted?
Call him back and say, “It’s too cold to go pontooning.”
Hey, Taco, it occurs to me–has this been you stalking?
I don’t telestalk. I’m a big fan of the classical stalking methods. I’m the guy outside your bedroom window behind the third juniper bush from the left. With the Olympus binoculars.
Mr. Winkey is behind the boxwood hedge with the Bushnells. Talk about a pro.
TacoMagic: Classically Trained Stalker.
*frantically scribbling and taking notes*
You said Bushnells….hehe
**winks at Taco, winks at Innana’s knees. Would wink at Tron, but does not know his whereabouts, and does not want to infringe on Pedobear’s territory.**
Actually, Taco, I’m only there on weekends. Monday and Friday I’m in the hydrangeas with a bottle of mayonnaise, biding my time.
Tuesday through Thursday I’m alternately in her shower-head or her drain.
Teehee.
I feel very ignorant, but I really don’t get this one. (I mean pontooning — this should have gone higher)
[corey]In old spy movies there are occasionally code phrases that often have nothing to do with each other. This was a play on that.[/corey]
EDIT: “Pontooning” refers to the recreational use of a pontoon boat.
(You’d be amazed at how hard it is to get one of those things lit, let alone smoking it).
The funny thing is I thought you were referring to small dogs as bait (which Mr. JD does frequently, being a fisherman and hater of small yappity dogs), which was pretty funny. So here I am thinking I got the joke, when in fact I had made up my own little joke and enjoyed it alone. EB, pass the Monster and oxycodone, please.
It’s a little easier when your pontoons are festooned with balloons.
Hehe, that rhymes!
Okay. All of you. Off to the Group W bench!!! TM, IF, Innana, EB and Andie. Keep your eyes on your own 8 x 10 glossies! I’ve got too many snarkterruptions going on here today to keep up.
p.s. The pigeons eat yellow snow
I kept getting calls from some goons
Whose pontoons were festooned with balloons.
They wanted my dog
To fish Haunted Hawk bog
‘cuz they’d had no success with harpoons.
Andie, your Mr. JD uses small yappity dogs as bait? What in the wide wide world of sports is Mr. JD fishing for? And does he have greater success using a Pekingese vs. a Chihuahua? How about Lhasa Apso vs. Papillon?
I’m sorry to tell you that I cannot pass along Mr. JD’s fishing secrets. He and his brothers are maniacal about the secrecy of their fishing spots and techniques. If I told you, he would have to chop me up and chum the water with Andie chunks.
OMG…Taco!! When I first read ‘pontooning’, my boss was sitting across from me and I had to feign a coughing fit to cover the laughter. Eventually, I had to leave the room.
[corey] Actually, this is a scam that’s going around right now. They’re trying to get a recording of you saying the word ‘yes’, so that they can use that to say that you agreed to switch your phone service (or whatever) and bill you for it. [/corey]
Good thing I don’t have a small dog.
Monster. Hydrocodone. Let’s see how long it takes for me to be clever. *fixes the 7 typos she made before submitting*
“We’ve secretly infused EB’s regular Monster energy drink with hydrocodone. Let’s watch to see what happens!”
Are you all right? Rx for hydrocodone is
some sweeeeet painkillersa bit serious.It’s an old prescription, from when I had my C-Section (after I tapered off the oxy… now that was some good stuff). I keep it around for days like today… I tweaked my back while I was working out this morning, and since Tylenol and Advil don’t really do much for me… hydrocodone is going to keep my back from exploding during work. I swear, I have the joints of someone 30 years older than me….
Did you find them the same place as the haunted hawk? (I’m speaking about the joints.)
And by “you’s” I mean “you’ll”… as far as I know, it’s not Talk-like-a-guido day.
…And by this, I mean as a reply to my comment below. Oh my.
Hopefully they were gifted to you or they might want their joints back… you know how paranoid stoners can get…
Well, they might actually get their house cleaned if they’re not stoned. Just a thought.
And I’d like my joints back as soon as you are done with them.
Grampdaddy, if I’ve got yours, doesn’t that mean that you’re using the joints of a 23-year-old? Wouldn’t that be a good thing? 🙂
using the joints of a 23-year-old? Wouldn’t that be a good thing?
Oh my…. What I could do with the joint of a 23 year old……
*Hey, you kids get off my lawn! EB – shake my cane at ’em, will you…*
Bombdude, I’m fairly confident this CL post is a good indication of how paranoid stoners can get.
They probably attempted to eat the hawk at some point as well. That might be why it showed up in the kitchen and the bathroom in that order.
The last time I mixed powerful pain killers and caffeine I ended up wearing my pants on my head and singing the first three songs of the HMS Pinafore in pig latin.
The last time I mixed narcotic painkillers and caffeine (and a cold, too, if I remember correctly) I started commenting here. So it can’t be all too terrible. You’s just have to humor me and pretend I make sense 🙂 Maybe I need a haunted raptor to keep me in line…
Well, I mix the two every day….
:wanders off in search of missing misjays, mumbling to herself and adjusting bunny slippers while wondering why everyone at work is staring at her…like that’s not an every day occurrence…:
The last time I mixed caffeine and narcotic painkillers… lessee…
I think that was the morning I woke up trapped in the Snark Lounge.
**winks at EB**
The last time I mixed caffeine and painkillers I ended up in the Don’t Suck box for making a penis joke.
Don’t suck what????
The last time I mixed caffeine with Vicodin I woke up in the bathtub with an empty carton of Cherry Garcia ice cream and no spoon.
Last week I mixed tramadol, a muscle relaxer, vicoden, and caffeine. The analysis of Frost’s Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening that I turned in, but have no memory of writing, was hilarious.
That is awesome. You should post it in the forums :-p
Was the grade you got equally funny?
[true story corey]
In high school English literature 3 we had to write short stories at one point. A good friend of mine was having big-time insomnia and as a consequence hadn’t slept more than a few hours in 10 days. His short story, which he doesn’t remember writing, got the best grade in the class. It was hailed a as a work of genius by the instructor and submitted to a state short story writing contest for students. It took 4th place out of about 500 entries. The thing was (apparently) a symbolic masterpiece.
The final line of the story still sticks in my mind: And, as we climbed into the dishwasher, we knew that the flamingo would not escape us; or we him. I remember nothing else about the story other than it was (to me) quite obviously the ramblings of a mind pushed beyond breaking point. And to be clear, there was no flamingo at any point in the story before that moment. We told him that if he ever had a bad insomnia episode again, he needed to start writing a novel.
[/corey]
We only need to write 8 analysis papers out of the 16 weeks to earn an A in the class. The instructor assigns a point value to each paper, A = 10, B = 8, C = 6, D = 4, F = 2. So even if you turn in a paper that is an F, you still get points. I got a C, so I earned 6 points. I plan on writing more than the required 8 papers, so I look at it as 6 extra credit points.
The way my instructor has set up the grading for this class, you only have to do 8 analysis papers, attend class (and participate), and do a group project to get an A. There are 14 opportunities to do analysis papers. It’s a cumulative grading system and he assigns points for every paper, even if it gets an F (2 points). I got a C on this one, so I earned 6 points. I plan to do more than the minimum 8, so this paper is like extra credit.
I hope you did them all in the passive voice kelli—because more words make you sound smarter. Use as much English as possible!
*chuckle*
The passive voice is something I never use.
By the way, I am a genuis.
Something I never use is the passive voice.
The number of ways to passively phrase that sentence are many.
To be using the passive voice is something that I do not do.
[corey] you’re neither of you using the passive voice yet [corey/]
The passive voice is never used by me.
Actually depends on how you define the passive voice. If the object precedes the subject it’s usually considered passive (well, as it was taught to me anyway). The whole problem I’ve always found with passive voice is the imprecision of the rules surrounding it.
Ironically, I would say that the rules surrounding passive voice are themselves in passive voice.
[passive voice Corey] It’s not a question of word order. It’s a question of whether the subject of the sentence is the thing acting or the thing acted upon. “Sparky posted an idiotic ad” is the active voice. “An idiotic ad was posted by Sparky” is the passive voice. [/corey]
Actually, passive has more to do with verb choice than placement. Using a “to be” verb makes a sentence passive.
I am using a fork – passive
I used a fork – active
More info is here
EDIT Camille types faster than I do.
Sorry to be a grammar corey, kelli, but both of your example sentences are in the active voice. “A fork was used by me” or “A fork is being used by me” are in the passive voice. Using a “to be” verb does not by itself make a sentence passive.
Hmmm. That’s a bit at odds from what I’ve been taught, but by no means am I going to trust English grad students’ understanding of their subject (I had a 45 minute argument with one who wouldn’t accept that Limited Third person was any different than Universal 3rd person).
How about the use of vague describers? (Many, lots, some, etc.) It was always taught to me that if you use one of these, you’re automatically using passive voice. Is this the case, or are there specific rules?
EDIT: Kelli and Camille, I think you’re beginning illustrate what I mean by imprecision of the rules.
Wikipedia has a pretty good entry on the passive voice.
It’s possible to construct a passive voice sentence with “many,” “lots,” or “some” in it, but it’s also possible to use those words in an active voice sentence. The question is always whether the subject of the sentence is the actor, and I don’t understand what vague describers have to do with that question.
Camille is right; Kelli is wrong.
(I am a former college and high school English teacher)
If the subject is active (he ran, she walks), the subject is acting.
If the subject is acted upon (my book was rained on), it is passive.
camille – no worries. You’re right. I used the wrong examples. I’d find the right ones, but I’m supposed to be reading Dussel’s Invention of the Americas.
Hmm. It appears I have some unlearning in my future, as everything I was ever taught about passive voice appears to be incorrect.
I want my money back for those expository writing classes they forced me to take.
Been doing some freelance writing on the side – saving some $$$$ for a surprise anniversary trip for hubby and I next summer – and OMG…is passive ever treated aggressively!! It’s definitely a “thou shalt NOT…” type of infraction.
That said, I’ve learned to avoid the “to be” stuff…oh, and to use actionable verbs wherever possible.
It’s like starting a sentence with a conjunction. But worse.
You know what? I think this whole ‘no passive’ thing is overdone. When I read Shakespeare, Dickens, Poe, Whitman, I see they used passive voice. I believe this is one of those teacher dumbing-down rules that got inflicted on us (like, never write in the first person), as it’s easier to teach overusing teenagers just NOT to use something than to teach them good writing.
In writing instructions or guidelines that call for direct language, I can see it, but when we get to creative and imaginative writing, throwing out one of our grammatic abilities seems ridiculous.
Everything you know is wrong!
Black is white, up is down and short is long.
And everything you thought was just so important doesn’t matter…
Everything you know is wrong!
Just forget the words and sing along.
All you need to understand is everything you know is wrong!
Well, Inanna, I’m writing “guidlines” and instructions and some about-type articles. Boring stuff, technical in nature, but I keep clicking on the websites for the beach we’re going to and that keeps me focused.
Edit: You fixed your typo..so now this just looks, well..it looks awkward….sigh…
Ack, I had dropped my “e”, but at least I did it actively.
Did I step on some toes?
In Soviet Russia, the passive voice uses you!
But I begin sentences with conjunctions all the time. And so did Shakespeare.
That was a bad sentence in which to try and use the passive voice. It was a total stretch.
This* is just one of the many reasons I love this comments section.
*And by “this,” I mean grammar discussions.
Wouldn’t that be, “In Soviet Russia, you are used by the passive voice”?
No, because this is AMURIKA.
So, Taco, you are a soaring soul?
Did you think I was a tame dove?
That my location would not change?
My hawkish spirit is in charge now,
And Beelzebub’s to blame!
I’ll always stay here with you, Bro’.
Trash cans cannot stop my game,
Cause I’m the freest of birds now,
And this curse you’ll never change.
And this curse you can not change.
Lord knows, I can’t change.
Lord help you, I can’t change.
Innana owes me a new blouse – this Diet Coke is never coming out…
Edit: On the plus side, my sinuses have never been so sparkly clean inside.
Dress like Innana does! Stained clothes never a problem!
Thanks for the ear worm Innana! And a buttload of doors to you too!
Aww the little puppy!
Is he stuffed?
He’s currently snoozing at my feet under my desk. He’s stuffed with treats that he managed to mooch from various co-workers
*surreptitiously feeds J-Dog’s avatar*
Gods, I’m so jealous you can have that puppy at work with you. All I get under my desk is dust bunnies.
:peeks under desk:
I have a bat under mine, but it’s a baseball bat, not the nocturnal echolocating flying mammal.
Well mannered non-yappity dogs are allowed in our work spaces as long as they don’t misbehave, pee on the floor, or smell bad. Unfortunately, some of my human coworkers do not meet those criteria.
During really stressful work weeks, we enact the “Dog-A-Day” rule where at least one dog has to be present every day. You can tell that a dogless coworker is having a stressful day by the number of times they offer to take your dog for a walk.
Unfortunately for both the J-Pup and me, I have no coworkers who look like Lola’s avatar that offer to surreptitiously feed us treats.
I keep re-reading the Ostrimu’s (bees be upon him) commentary. “This is really” is the new “This needs to”.
I so need that hawk to deal with my pigeon haunted balcony. Will Sparky give it my address and let it astro transport to my home? Pretty please? I’ll say a special Scottish Play curse to make it all better.
The Scottish Play? You mean Macbeth?
Out, damned hawk! out, I say
When the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.
Oops, I see that Innana beat me to this, below.
Wait…that’s Hamlet.
Funny that there aren’t any Hamlet curses. It’s really just as bad-lucky as Maccers is.
Now I’m going to have to turn round 6 times muttering and singing the Fairy Chorus from Midsummer Night Dream whilst hitting my head with a balloon. Damn you TacoMagic!
[corey] two schools on why mentioning that play’s name is unlucky. (1) its got hidden witches’ curses within it (yea right!) and (2) it was such a good ticket seller that any company ‘down on their uppers’ would put it on to get in an audience. Therefore putting it on = failing company. [corey]
*this may or may not be true*
I’m a helper!
Macbeth.
*Flees*
[raptor musing]
Ok, raptors are middling unique, regulation-wise. If I remember it rightly, would-be falconers can capture raptors, but cannot trade in them. So, they have to be fledged, or something.
(Any more more familiar with the medusa-nest of Federal and State regs, feel free to pipe up here.)
In any event, they are not common birds to be “owned.” You cannot shoot them, either.
Which makes me wonder what body-house makes raptor moulds? Further, which one stocks wing stays?
[taxidermy corey] Taxiderm uses forms, in the shape of various game species, sized to suit, over which one dresses (“capes” for fur-bearing creatures) the moulding. There are sub-specialty items like ear and wing forms, eyes and teeth in all sorts of varieties as well.
(Fish are different, there the mould is an entire fish, with fins, gills and the like separate, which is then painted to maych the fish actually caught; excepting the last of the freeze-dry mounting houses.)
[/corey]
Wings spread is not a teaching example, it’s more like a museum mount. Which means bird stolen be sometime before. If maybe then kharma of be being not possessed properly so Spark’ acurse-ed be for forever more forever more.
So, if I understand all that Capnspeak, Sparky has a bird that was most likely stolen from a museum? That might go well with my “liberated” weapon from Germany.
Short version? Yes. I know the local natural history museum did not have an example of a red-shouldered hawk until one flew into a mirrored-glass window on campus. And, said example was sent off far away to be mounted.
This hawk is clearly a friend of the keymaster. He told him to meet him there.
Zuuuuuuuuuuul!
I am but mad north north-west; when the wind blows southerly I know a hawk from a haunt.
Ah yes, my dear cousin HauntedHawk.
We were warned by the Supreme Council not to demonstrate our supernatural abilities while interned on this lowly world. You are playing with The Fates. If you do not stop this madness you will be-
Wait, why are you looking at me like that?
Stop looking at me like th-
ALL HAIL THE HAUNTED HAWK!
Ostrimu (bees be upon him) writes: “Things do NOT just spontaneously move themselves around. ”
Apparently, words do.
I’m very proud of you, Hammy. I fully agree, jury trials are what the system is all about and I appreciate your willingness to take time out from your orbiting cave of technological wonders to serve. I would love to serve on a jury!
I am imagining what this group would be like as a jury. Especially what kind of questions we’d send to the judge from the jury room.
“We are aware that sentencing is at the discretion of the judge, but according to our catulator, he should serve a time no less than elebenfinity stewed rutabagas and a soup can covered in spraypainted dry macaroni and used as a pencil receptacle, as well as fined twenty-seven-tenths VW bus hood ornaments and a grape-flavor tea cozy toothbrush.”
“What? This is a civil trial? What’s that? [*muttered consultation*] Crap!”
“used as a pencil receptacle” – now that gives a whole new meaning to penal servitude.
We might be a sore trial upon all the officers of the court, like as not.
The “audience participation” in voire dire esepcially so.
I had a good interview today (HHNF failed to post the outcome of her’s on f/b); which it were not yet another case of, “you should hear from us i na couple of weeks.” le Sigh
Methinks someone needs to stop getting drunk, grabbing the taxidermy and using the ‘hawkward’ joke. Finding that thing in your bed in the morning must be something else.
Oooh, look who is back (who is back is being looked at).
I’m having a hard time deciding which of your pictures is more distracting.
Actually I think it’s more of a side view. Either way it’s good to see her check in to the snark lounge.
Either way it’s good to see her check in to the snark lounge.
I concur
(even if I had to read that twice to not read “cheek” for “check”).
HHFN! This is an Alan free zone! 8) So good to see you here.
PAM!!
She’s not me, silly…
True – she doesn’t have your can.
Hello, sister Pam. I rather enjoyed the visit to the queen on last even. I’m sorry I always shout out something obscene, PENIS! though.
I don’t know that shouting out “PENIS!” is particularly obscene. It’s the name of a body part. It wouldn’t be obscene to shout out “Amygdala!”, would it?
How could you say such a terrible word as… “Amygdala”!?
I am shocked at your mouth!
[**in a cheesy Groucho Marx voice] If you’re shocked at my mouth, you oughtta get a load of my amygdala.
Amygdala! Hypothalamus! Pituitary Gland! Medulla! Psychology Vocabulary!
Amydala! Medulla! Thalamus!
This is the third time of my posting this, hopefully it will actually appear this time.
Holy Parietal Lobe.
Do my ears deceive me?
**crawls into a hole in the road.**
And you people wonder why I only ever come out to see the Queen. Such language!
It’s HHNF!!
Hiya Hellion!! Welcome to yer back, and it’s about time!
*passes flask to HHNF* Welcome back!
Hi HHNF!
Hey lady! We’ve missed you!
YAY! HHNF has graced us with her presense, and all is good with the world.
*except my sinuses*
HHNF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I must break the stylesheet in honor of this glorious return from what was obviously a trying journey through the bowls of hell.
Astro, my page is now WAY TOO WIDE…..calm down a bit, ok?
Okeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooookeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Astro, if you do that again I will pee into your baritone.
Ahh screw it…
I deleted it so as to not earn Andie’s scorn….or fury…
For Hell Hath No Fury like a woman scorned.*
*See what I did there?
Andie, there’s robably someone out there who would pay good money to see that. Even more likely, drmk has their CL request queued up for future use.
This is why NMN is getting my backup at the inevitable war with the anti-Twilight crowd.
Although, both of us had the same reaction to the books, which was “Meh.” So we will be nominally on the pro-Twilight side, but we’ll mostly be sitting on the sidelines having a nice beverage. Maybe a scone.
HHNF! *joins the welcome-back party*
Sparky has been connecting his stuffed hawk to the logic circuits of his Bambleweeny 57 sub-meson Brain and an atomic vector plotter suspended in a strong Brownian motion producer (a nice hot cup of tea) again!
Did Windrose do the culmination of yesterday’s comments yet?
Not yet, NMN. I did get off work early today, so I have accomplished all the chores I usually do about this time, and will spend an hour tonight typing up the Round-up. 8) Thanks for asking! It’s nice to know people are reading them.
Correction, I still have to feed the cats and wrap up the budgies. But that won’t take long. 8)
Wrap them up?
Yes, so they don’t fidget on their way to Fleet Street. There’s a new store there: Mr. Todd’s Bird Sanctuary
Close, Astro. 8) [bird corey] Andie, they are in a cage outside, it has a roof but no sides. So if the temp overnight is going to go below 60 degrees F, I have a tarp (not to be confused with a tent) that I wrap around three sides of the cage. The cockatiels are in an aviary with a solid roof and two sides at one end so they don’t need extra protections. Plus there is a good number of them in there, and they keep each other warm. [/bird corey]
Wait, I just realized something. It’s not the hawk that’s haunted, it’s his Georgian house. All houses in Georgia are haunted.*
*If anyone lives in Georgia, I’m kidding.
I think it’s just the Midnight Train that’s haunted, but maybe that’s just me.
The Night Train (Express) more like. Now fortified with alcohol!
I’m pretty sure that’s just Savannah, but the ghosts are welcome because hotels can charge more if their haunted.
Psst. They are, they’re, not their as in belongs to. 8)
Oh noes! My phone is haunted!
Looks like it’s possessive’d.
That’s just peachy
Time to call the nearest Lutheran seminary and arrange an exorcism.
(Do they HAVE Lutherans in Georgia?)
According to Garrison Keillor, they keep them all in Minnesota. (A house haunted by Garrison Keillor, now THAT would be scary.)
Folk music and jokes about rhubarb pie at all hours of the night! Ahhh!
(My dad loves “Prairie Home Companion”)
I have had the unblubler-lovin’ “bee bop a ree bop, Rhubarb Pie” song in my head all afternoon now. Curse you, SilvaNoir!!
I took a class from Garrison Keillor…he’s really relatively unthreatening for such a tall man. (But don’t make Clinton/cigar jokes with him. He doesn’t find them amusing.)
ARG! I know, yesterday was the Pirate day. But I have been typing for an hour, and still haven’t even gotten to half way on Sunday’s comments. My hands and arms are complaining. I don’t know for sure when I will get this round-up posted, but whatever I have by the end of the day tomorrow will be posted as part one.
penguin, you adorable creature, you! Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Scottish Players!
I’m glad I took ibuprofen and grabbed a cup of java before coming here this morning. Maybe that will help lessen the impact of the punches (I’m a wimp when it comes to pain). But I thank you all the same.
:click:
Dammit.
:click:
Dammit.
:click:
Dammit.
:click:
Dammit.
:click:
Dammit.
:click:
Dammit.
I’d gladly take the stuffed hawk. S/he’d look wonderful in my town’s history/natural science museum.
I believe any mounted bird of prey is supposed to have some certificate that indicates that it was not illegally taken. Most taxidermy shops won’t touch raptors. The US deems all native (North American) raptors are illegal to kill/injure, but these rules don’t apply to raptors native to other countries.
This bird does appear to be a red tailed hawk (immature, hence the brown & white tail) or possibly a ferruginous hawk (hard to tell how big it is, but the small feet and the light marks on the head imply a ferrug.) Both are native. Don’t put anything past US Fish & Wildlife, they will probably say the ghost is native too.
I would love to have it, but anyone could get in some pretty big non-supernatural trouble.