YSaC, Vol. 724: Cor asshat.
2010 July 11
let’s jam – $18
i am a professional oboe player and i am willing to play with you and jam. normally i charge $1000 for a playing engagement but i can play with you for $18/hr. you have to be pretty good beause i don’t slow down my playing. it wouldn’t be fair to the music to keep this racehorse from running if you know what i mean. so $18/hr and that probably won’t last but email anyway and we’ll see
Poor, maligned oboe players. Let’s all stop for a moment and think about how much better the world would be if there were more oboe players willing to jam. Imagine how much better Led Zeppelin would have been if only Robert Plant had played the oboe. Or if the Clash had used an oboe on Rock the Casbah. Or if Dream Academy had used an English horn on Life in a Northern Town. (Oh, wait … )*
Anyway, Lucy sent this one in, saying, “I actually don’t know what he means. I do know that if you throw in the eternally sleazy “…if you know what I mean” at the end of a strained metaphor, you are more jackass than racehorse.”
Thanks, Lucy!
*Hot English horn action at :34.
I believe he means $18 obo.
Only if they’re firm obos
He doesn’t think his firm obo can last for an hour, and I agree that might be tricky.
Maybe he’s a big fan of Sting?
I’d give him twenty minutes before it becomes a semi-soft obo.
20 minutes? I’m not sure he’d last that long if he’s going at racehorse speed.
I like jam.
No, I think you like jelly, cause jam don’t shake like that.
I don’t think Sparky’s ready for this jelly.
I think we’re all grateful or grapeful the jam doesn’t shake.
I’ll only pay $18 dollars an hour if you’re a professional flüglehorn player, if you know what I mean.
I managed to
borrowdaringlysplit an infinitivesteal a computer.What a crazy random happenstance, I AM a professional flüglehorn player! When can I start?
what?
you’re here?
*sigh* and after I gave Manda your tutu as well.
I *just* saw that, Dev. I love it!
it is rather cute isn’t it?
although if she’s going to keep
stealingborrowing computers you might not need it after allNo, keep it, I’ll get it covered in sand.
“i am willing to play with you and jam”
Jam? That’s kinky. Is it strawberry, grape, or apricot?
Black cherry. Everyone knows that’s the kinkiest of jams.
What?
Whatever the flavor, make sure it’s sugar-free jam, otherwise you could get a nasty yeast infection.
Ugh. *brain bleach*
Yet another reason why you should only use flavored lotions and lubricants intended for use in certain areas. They’re less sticky anyway.
What?
The problem is, Bridgete, the peanut butter slides right off those flavored lubricants. Just can’t make a good sammich that way.
But the lotions would work fine, they’re not terribly slippery.
Although they taste kind of weird before they’re absorbed into your skin. I don’t know how it works, all I know is after it’s absorbed, you taste like strawberries.I don’t know what it tastes like. I’ve never tried such a thing.I don’t care what flavour he prefers, he’s not playing with my jam
[corey] I read this ad to my husband, a musician who also works at a university with a big music program. He thinks there is a 50/50 chance this is either a fake (because apparently CL is full of fake musician ads) or it was posted by a recent grad with a music degree and a head full of dellusions. [/corey]
That being said, this reminded me of the ads that me and my friends posted on the bulletin boards back in high school looking for musicians to join our punk rock/ska cover band. Instead of a horn section we wanted about twenty kazoo players.*
*yes, we were serious.
I think I’d believe it a little more if the guy was a cellist wanting to jam. There are some pretty awesome cello parts in popular music these days. I notice because I really, really, really want to learn to play the cello. Just because I love the sound, not because I want to be in a band and come up with a cool rock cello part (although here’s an awesome local band that uses a cello: The Grownup Noise). If I joined a band I’d want to be the singer.
[oboe Matt] This is in poor taste. I immediately recognized this as a fellow oboist wanting to share the joy of the oboe with the world and asking a reasonable, no, bargain of a price, to do so. Clearly you people have no respect for the lung power inherently needed to produce those haunting melodies. Did you know the hole at the end of the reed where it meets the instrument is the same circumference as a wire coat hanger? You try jamming for hours on end, blowing air through that tiny little hole! Don’t event get me started on keeping two reeds wet at once. It’s time the oboist got some respect. [/oboe Matt]
I can’t even type that with a straight face. To use the words oboe and jam in the same ad is just ridiculous to me. If there’s one thing I learned when I first started playing oboe, it is this: Oboes don’t jam. I believe that is the first rule of Oboe Club. Never jam.
Is oboe jam anything like toe jam?
Manda, isn’t the second rule that you have to be gay? I think I read that on here recently. I suppose that might be optional, especially if you meet someone with a firm oboe.
The second rule of Oboe Club is “You DO NOT Talk About Oboe Club.”
No, seriously, don’t. Who wants to hear about f*#king Oboe Club?
Hell, even I don’t want to hear about Oboe Club.
A bunch of guys sitting around polishing their oboes …
Pretty sure there’s Rule 34 for that.
I can’t discuss it, Windrose. Rules. Sorry.
Maybe oboes don’t jam, but your brother had a jammin’ tuba – if I remember correctly, it was due to a wedged Superball….
Wow, how did it get to be Sunday, already? Did anyone see where Saturday went? I need about six more hours. Also, anyone want a love bird? 8)
Windy — I’m guessing that you don’t want either of my cats to take it …..
“Did you know the hole at the end of the reed…”
I knew the hole at the end of the reed. Very talented.
What?
Lou Reed’s 2nd cousin. 🙂
I knew the light at the end of the tunnel – very enveloping.
She placed her sweet tender lips,
On my long black pole,
The music of love began to grow,
For she was playing Bolero,
On a borrowed oboe
What?
I’ve got a few extra dollars and a creative imagination, I’d pay this guy eighteen bucks to come over and jam. And by “jam” I mean he would have to stand in the front yard and improvise a one hour long oboe solo while I tossed water balloons filled with jam at him. And he’d have to wear the chicken suit.
I would definitely pay eighteen bucks for that. Maybe even as high as twenty.
Best. Party. Idea. EVER.
“Hey guys, enjoying the party? Have you jammed the oboist yet? It’s a lot of fun!”
I’m not so sure Sparketh is asking you to pay; sounds desperate enough that he/ she would be willing to pay YOU to jam with him/ her. I’ve heard of paying for instruction, but never just to “jam” (seriously; jam on the oboe?).
Well how else can you get that oboe in there?
Ah, jam in the oboe, not on the oboe! Making a lot more sense now…
you want to put jam in the oboe? wouldn’t that be rather messy?
Astro-Glyde??
**appears in puff of smoke**
Huhwhat?
Sorry Astro – wasn’t calling you, didn’t mean to disturb you…..
Astro-Glyde is a – umm- a Greek condiment. Yeah, that’s right…..
*Slips away quietly, trying to not attract attention*
Yeah, it’s like Foto-Flo*
_______________
*Obscure darkroom B&W developer reference; “like” in this sense used as in:
“No beer, Tequila.”
“What’s ‘tequila’ like?”
“Oh, it’s like beer.”
SJ – I’ll make the YouTube video for you, since I’m “kinda” in the neighborhood anyway.
Looks like you might be able to charge an admission fee also. You’ll make millions or obo.
Alright, folks – I’ve spent the last four years hanging around a conservatory, and I feel entirely qualified to do a little translation:
let’s jami desperately need money – $18i am a
professional oboe playerrecent graduate and i am willing to play with you and jam among other things… *wink wink*. normally i charge $1000 for a playing engagement (at least, i would if i ever had any) but i can play with you for $18/hr, or, you know, anything at all. you have to be pretty good beausei don’t slow down my playingit has to cover up what i’m playing. it wouldn’t be fair to the music to keep thisracehorse from runningoboe in my pants if you know what i mean. so $18/hr and that probably won’t last (I DESPERATELY NEED MONEY) but email anyway and we’llseeboth regret itI’m not sure what kind of drugs this musician is on that would lead them to think they could make $1000/hr, but I’d like some! And I thought trumpet players had the biggest egos…
I’m really glad I talked my sister out of playing the oboe. You know the difference between an oboe and a lawnmower? You can tune the lawnmower.
Hence the reason the rest of the orchestra “tunes” to the oboe. It falls in line with the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” mentality. It really is best to just surrender.
*fires up the old oboe… SQWOOOONK *
Sad face from someone who played the oboe for years in my slightly younger days. I refuse to mock the oboe! But I will mock the guy who wrote the ad. Hey, guy! You suck! You are a creeper/asshat/assface/soiler-to-the-sacred-name-of-oboists!
Cat, don’t be too sad. They only tease us as oboists because they love us.
That is why you tease us, right???
*looks around feeling slightly sad*
I don’t mind poking fun at myself. Plus it means we can make jokes about the brass section. 😀
A grand would barely get you a quartet in NOLA, and this Sparky thinks he remembers $1000 gigs?
Sounds like somebody has been whistling the wrong pipe.
Manda, back when I started high school, we didn’t have any oboes (we were a music school, but for some reason not many people wanted to play something that sounded like a dying goose the first two years of learning). Instead the conductor demoted the lowest of the low flutists (myself in year 8 and 9, but I gradually clawed my way up to first flute by year 11) to play oboe parts. She called us floboes. We felt so dirty.
We did get a real oboe two years out of the five in high school. She had a bad tendency to start giggling in the middle of solos. Shepherd’s Hey was hilarious apparently.
It was a semi-decent (for a certain definition of high school ‘decent’) concert band, we played a mix of music. The Lord of the Dance and the Phantom of the Opera medley were probably two of my favourites, and in my last year there we were practicing music from the Lord of the Rings – didn’t quite get to performance standard before I graduated though. Londonderry Air was one of my year 12 ensemble performance pieces… one flute trying desperately to be heard over the rest of the band while playing in her lowest octave. XD
Howdy, y’all. Good snarkin’ today.
I’m just dropping by to say that I’m leaving on a trip tomorrow (overseas) and won’t be back for a couple of weeks. Save a slice of coffee for me on the 26th.
Aww, we’ll miss you!
Also, for the rest of you, please accept this comment as my official request to take over Isaac’s corrections of Taco’s grammar.
It’s a big responsibility, Bridgete. I recommend taking small steps, concentrating on just the spelling at first, then moving up to grammar gradually.
Thanks for the tip. I should, however, be fine taking it on all at once. I find (and get annoyed by) the errors in published novels. Granted, that’s not hard these days, since it seems that no one hires editors anymore. However, even in a novel that is rather well-edited, I still manage to find the ONE error.
I have heard, from some editors and authors I know, that, there is some surmise that holding editors to such a high performance standard, competent use of English grammar and spelling (that came out “speeling” almost automatically[G]) would be indefensible in court.
The presumption of being able to empanel a jury of competent English users being so unlikely as to make any disciplinary action by Employer prima facie capricious and/or felicitous, if not discriminatory per se.
That makes me sad.
Have fun in (overseas)! I’ve been there once, are you going to [location]? Try the Greek while you’re there.
Over seas vacationing having much to recommend it–especially vice underseas.
Though, there is an appeal to inter-seas locales for recreation.
If you wind up on a littoral, remember to shake out the cassock thoroughly–it is all too possible to have too much fine sand.
Bon voyage!
Safe travels, Isaac!
Be safe, have fun, come back to us rested and snark-full.
Isaac, here’s an honorary punch to get you through the next couple of weeks! Punchity Punch Punch! Safe travel, and God Speed.
Meh. If I were to “jam” with this oboist, he/she/it’d get angry, because nobody would hear he/she/it jamming out. I’m able to get pretty loud on my Euphonium, who, curiously enough, came with the name Margarita, nicknamed Marge. And if my good friend, Brandon, a tuba player, were to jam, no one would ever know. He is of such loudness that our middle school band director described him as “hoss” and that our high school band director frequently has to tell him to stop trying to play as if he’s four tubas, because he can’t hear the trombones over him.
Now, a Euphonium-Saxophone Duo…
Now that would be worth whatever the gate!
Haha, your tuba friend sort of reminds me of this guy who was in choir with me back in high school. His last name lent itself to the nickname “Gusty,” which was quite appropriate for him. Even in A Capella choir, with 300 students (biggest HS choir in Oregon at the time), he still frequently had the opportunity to be a bit gusty. Even in such a large choir, we still only had about 30 tenors, including Gusty, so you’d hear him overpowering the other guys a lot. He was also in the school’s chamber choir, where I’m sure he got even more scolding for being too gusty there, the chamber choir being comprised of only 32 students. I wasn’t in the chamber choir, so I don’t know for certain, but knowing how particular the choir director was with quality even in such a large choir, you can bet she was even more particular with her chamber choir.
Hehe, we used to have a tubist (is that word?) that could play like nobody’s business. My director said they should put him on the Wheaties box.
Personally, I like to take Clair (terribly creative for a clarinet, I know) on a stroll through the altissimo register. I get this maniacal look every time our conductor tells the clarinet section to play louder.
Tubaist? Tuber? Tubarista? Tubadier?
Tubist sounds like an art movement or a tuba elitist to me, but you’re probably right.
I like Tubarista–whenever you get sick of them playing, they’ll make you a drink.
How about Tubadore?
Are we gonna let de-plane
Bring us down, oh, no oboe
Let’s go crazy, let’s get nuts
Look for the purple Deshuminfinder
‘Til they put us in the truck of bees, oboe
Kudos on the “Artist Formerly Known As Prince Now Again Known As Prince Because No One Has A Way To Make That Funny Symbol In Print” reference!
My snark seems to have been replaced by a nasty rash on my legs today.
Put some jam on it…
I would Ham, but I’m afraid if I did, it would attract oboe players.
Not if you use meat Gerbert jam…
Ham jam?
Puts a whole new meaning to making a Ham and Cheese Sandwich…
I do not like oboes and jam.
I would not, could not, with a flute,
I would not, could not give a toot.
I would not, could not with a sax,
a tuba named Marge or a trumpet named Max.
I will not play it here or there.
I will not play it anywhere.
I do not like oboes and jam!
I do not like them, Ham in Can.*
* My apologies to Dr. Seuss.
Would you, could you,
With some bees?
Would you, could you,
With shoulder knees?
“Ham jam”?
She might slap me if I put that on her legs…
Great band name though. They have a wonderful punk oboeist.
Hamajamarama
The aspic-y gelatinous stuff?
I talked to my jam about playing with this oboe guy but he worried that because he’s lacking fingers he’d just slow down that racehorse and possibly get it all sticky.
pay
noattention to this post, just testing the html tags so I can go all fancy later.These are not the posts you seek? 🙂
I did the same thing
last nightearly this morning… safer; less finger-pointing and snickers……and snark…
Now, I wish our stylesheet actually had a
<snark> tag.
Nothing elaborate, just an override to some differing font or a color change (which could have a 1+ iteration applied to keep it interesting).
But, that would be some work for our hosts, right up there with keeping up with
<corey> or <matt> or even <bees> tags.
Rather like getting a time include on the date of the posts–this is not something Vigilance Theme ‘plays pretty’ with, sadly.
I figured Sunday was a safe bet, it’s usually pretty slow around here since everyone is
nursing a hangoverspending time with family or going to church.Or studying for the bar.
Oh right.
*returns to books*
I remember days of old, when it was “applicants constesting to achieve the bar”–old, old language hearkening back to the adversarial nature of the legal trade.
Even as it always caused me to mentally picture the would-be barristers having to cross glacis and rampart in a Forlorn Hope into whatever breech was forced in the Bar’s walls.
An amusing image as I sipped a shirley temple with my grandfather and his cronies as they enjoyed adult beverages–to imagine them accomplished in armor, holding besieged Harfleur against the would-be attorneys, and sending paralegals to wall up the breech against the besiegers.
Ah, best to remember that, in Peace nothing becomes more than modest stillness and humble snark; but in contesting the bar, take up the visage of the Not.A.Lion and stiffen the sinews and screw up the eye to tedious verbiage that it be effortlessly repeated in badinage like a cannon before galled stone!
Ooh. I should walk into the exam carrying a shield with a Not.A.Lion on it. And a standard. You always need a standard.
Hey, a tiara would work.
But, if it’s a crown, I’d hold out for the 5-speed automatic with overdrive.
And in this episode of the Bands of Hazzard, we find Oboe and Lute Duke once again being chased by sheriff Banjo P. Coltrane, while Dizi Duke in being held for ransom by Bass Hogg.
*Cut to scene* we see the Gemshorn Lee jumping across a river because the bridge is out…
They were just the ‘good oboes, never meaning no harm’.
And ‘splainin’ to Mom why it was they only showed his hands and not his face on tv . . .
Just making us weigh, how little they know now/
That’s just a bit more than grammar law allow’…
I’m calling it a night, our net connection is behaving a little erratically again so I’m quitting before I lose my temper.
I’ve already had to reboot the modem twice, so it’s not far from lost already
Wow, this Don’t Suck is really going to screw up my records! Bianchi Sound, Not Taco, and Not MandaB, here come your shared punches! Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Jamboree!
Not Taco and Not Manda were both Grampdaddy, if that helps at all.
-Sleepless in Indy
Well, my policy has been, the points go to the actual name used. For instance, if Taco had gotten in the box as WindRose, the point would go to that handle. I may have to call upon a decision from a higher source. 8)
And I deny any responsibility for anything I may or may not have said. I think I have a dollar.
That’s certainly a unique way of snarking your way out of a punch. Blame someone else.
“Not Grampdaddy” was performed by “Not Not Grampdaddy” on Saturday.
“Get your programs here – can’t tell the players without a program!”
‘Then suddenly – high above it – an oboe, a single note, played by a $1000 per engagement player (who only charged $18), hanging there unwavering,’
– Salieri in the film ‘Amadeus’
I’ve seen that film about four times, but never took any of it in. It was the default “I have run out of work for you and it is nearly the holidays” stop-gap of every Music teacher I have ever had. It makes me think of summer and sleepiness. Which, when I think back on the film, is singularly un-apt.
…We had Mr. Hollands Opus as our Music Centre’s stop-gap movie, seen at least three times per year. The boys played cards on the drummer platform, I learned how to play 500 from them in year 9. XD
Interesting how this post’s comments started out all sexual and stuff. That rarely happens. And by rarely, I mean ALL THE BLOODY TIME! 8)
Windy…wasn’t it Freud who said, “Sometimes an oboe is just an oboe.”? Oh, it wasn’t? Well, he should have!!!!!!
Yes, Steve Freud said that. How is it that you know this stuff?
Ah, misty watercolour memories for the way we still are,
Just not so much in only the one place any more.
As long as it means we’ve not reached a zenith of the cohort which is erudite, literate, and capable of snark.
Or, that our extroversion is not discouraging to those voices in the background–perhaps overwhelmed by images orgiastic writhing jam-filled woodwinds and the kinky potentials required to keep all those reeds wet.
Or, it’s all the delusions from how those encumbered with a firm obo seem obsessed with getting it stuck in somewhere–including jam (or jelly) reducing that to sounds and furies, signifying nothing.
And now for something completely different.
A man with an O.B.O.E jammed up his arse. Or Best Offer Everyone.
kelli, it’s a rare privilege and a pleasure to punch you out of the box this morning. Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Space Jammers!