YSaC, Vol. 701: Mr. Horrible says, “I DO mind.”
2010 June 18
No Mercy Rudeand crude 4 u
want to tell someone something and dont have the guts? for a small fee i will..does ur coworker have halitosis? is ur dumb girlfriend getting cheated on? does ur neighbor annoy everyone and u just want to scream it at the top of ur lungs but cant? well i will. for an extra fee i will also include a gift that relates to the issue such as a hygiene kit for those who lack..a how to guide for those who need how to.. let me be the messenger..call me today!
Hey jackass! You have no idea how to spell! Here’s a dictionary. Your punctuation and writing style is atrocious. Have a copy of Strunk and White. You’re also a jerk. Have a clue by four upside the head.
Have a nice day!
Thanks for the listing, Jessica!
This is almost as inventive and useful as that sarcasm course this guy was offering last month.
Truly he is an entrepreneur of staggering genius.
A perfect excuse to break that rule about not shooting the messenger.
2 ur iz hueman, 2 fergive—de-vine. (gotta hate text-speak)
It was even better when it was an episode for both King of the Hill and The Simpsons. i.e. Dale firing people at Stik-Tek for the higher-ups and Homer breaking up with your significant other for a fee. If you’re going to steal, steal from the best.
It’s sad when people start taking employment tips from cartoons.
Unless someone creates an actual Acme Co.
I would love that.
It could be a wholly-owned subsidiary of Bianchi Sound, which we have already established is a company, and not a person.
Wait, I thought we were a goddess…
Goddess Inc.
… at least someone didn’t move his chair…
or his cheese
It just struck me. The guy is supposedly a huge jerk for hire, cannot spell to save his life, and is obviously operating well within the lowest 10% of the IQ bracket. Fair enough.
So, how the hell did he use “halitosis” correctly!? Not only was it used correctly, it was spelled correctly. Whiskey (mmm whiskey) tango foxtrot. And dancing the tango foxtrot is way better following copious amounts of whiskey, let me tell you.
Idiot Savant maybe (with an emphasis on idiot of course). Maybe more of a Jackass Savant….
Asshat Savant?
I would venture to guess that he was the recipient of *said hygiene [spelled correctly as well] kit* on a prior occasion and he remembered how it was spelled.
For those who lack…
For those who need how to…
For those who want to scream… [that would be me, but I’m in space and no one can hear me Ripley]
Semprini?
*Cops burst into the room and drag Taco away.*
hehe… that didn’t take long for an MP reference.
Best part about Taco’s rant? All spelled correctly. Love it.
Yeah, how offen does that hapen?
Even a busted clock……. 🙂
…. drinks heavily during the holiday season.
I think that’s parents.
If they have to assemble any toys, then they usually just skip right to freebasing.
I nominate ‘Asshat Savant’ as the band name of the day.
Dirty Deeds! DONE DIRT CHEAP!
So you’re,
havin trouble with your life of love,
you got a broken heart,
he’s double dealin with your best friend,that’s when the teardrops start,
pick up the phone I’m here alone,
just make a social call,
come right in,
forget about him,
we’ll have ourselves a ball.
Dirty deeds,Done dirt cheap If ya,
got a lady and ya want her gone,
but you ain’t got the guts,
she keeps naggin at ya night and day,
enough to drive you nuts,
pick up the phone,
leave her alone,
It’s time you made a stand.
For a fee,
I’m happy to be,
Your back door man
Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap !
(way to get your business idea from AC/DC )
Love the dunder chief (that’s what I used to think he was singing)….
+elebenty unblubler adores!!!+++
When my son was about five, he would sing along at the top of his little lungs: “Dirty deeds in the dungeon deep! Dirty deeds in the dungeon deep!”
It worked, oddly.
I had a mangled version: Thirty fleas on the doggone sheet…
Eh, it made sense to me.
I like “clue by four.”
I’m totally going to work that into casual conversation.
I want the t-shirt.
The day after my retirement, I am hiring this asshat savant to pay a special visit to my boss. 8) Not only will she hear what I actually think of her, she will call the police and this guy will soon wish he had multiple hygiene kits to hand out to his cell mates.
Don’t drop the toothpaste!
Genius idea, Windrose! Killing two asshats with one stone!
I might have some horrible business left for him to attend to…
Also, I finally got myself a picture! It’s a robot moose. I love scifi and moose. So, yeah. Heh.
It’s cute!
And a little scary.
Mostly cute.
That’s the thing about robot moose; you’re never sure if you can completely trust them. But you can cuddle them.
It’s a trap!
Oh, patently.
Sit apart!
MS- Is that the new “Get a room”?
No—merely an OCD moment. I Yahtzee’d the letters of “It’s a trap”…ten times and came up with something I could live with.
😉
Robot Moose, huh? Is that what those Canadians have been up to all this time?
Yes, cylons look like moose, now. You can’t trust any of them.
Robot Moose and his evil sidekick, Giant Inflatable Beaver! Man those Canadians are deceptively evil…
“Giant Inflatable Beaver” sounds very, very dirty.
And like a great band name.
Agreed. On both accounts.
“…is ur dumb girlfriend getting cheated on?…”
Why on earth would you hire Sparky to tell your girlfriend that you are cheating on her? Isn’t that the sort of thing you normally pay to hide? If you feel the need to unburden yourself that badly, call up Jerry Springer or Maury Povich, they love that crap and you can get a free trip out of it.
(Yes, I know it could mean “Is your friend who happens to be female being cheated on?” They do those kind of shows, too.)
“My mamma is my son’s mamma too.” On the next Springer!
“I can talk to the dead! Provided you don’t need any specific information.” On the next Maury!
So if his mamma is…
Ew.
… from West Virginia…
Ew.
0-6 toes polished and trimmed, shaved and sexual.
I’m beginning to think there is no situation that this comment can’t make (non)sense of.
If you hire this guy, and you have a girlfriend, she’s dumb whether or not you’re cheating on her for being with your sorry ass.
Joey Greco thinks it’s a splendid idea!
“Just don’t stab me, bro’!”
And honestly, if you don’t believe your close friends, who have probably told you over and over what a lying, cheating bastard he is, paying a total stranger to tell you he’s a lying, cheating bastard is just a waste of money.
You’re assuming Mr. Rude ‘n Crude has friends.
I kinda assumed he didn’t. If he did have friends they would hopefully have told him not to post something like this on Craigslist.
Or at the very least worked him over with a clue by four first.
(I love that!)
I’m so tempted to pull out my plunge router and rout the word “Clue” into a 4×4.
I also have to make the knowledge-by-four.
And if you hire this guy to tell ur dumb girlfriend that ur cheating on hur, then how dumb are you? For that matter, how dumb are you for having a dumb girlfriend?
My favorite (In the way that I have a favorite kind of colon polyp) are the paternity test ones. Especially when they get the girl on there who’s already been on the show 4 other times and hasn’t yet found their babby’s daddy.
It’s even better when they leave the show still not knowing.
Personally I’m hoping that the population of trailer trash becomes so massive and dense that it implodes upon itself. Granted we won’t have anyone to work at the Quik-e-Lube after that, but I think it’s worth the sacrifice.
Wishful thinking, Taco.
This guy gives me the perfect place to use my new moniker for someone:
Bilbo DoucheBaggins!
Maybe not, but I waited ALL day yesterday to use it, and my guy
no-sold it. Just went, “Uh huh, awesome babe”, and went on with his tv watching.
That is why I come to you, YSaC buddies. For approval and acceptance. And the “You had to be there” sleepover-type giggles.
Isn’t he that guy on Ghost Adventures?
Oh, I love it!
Bilbo DoucheBaggins: Asshat Savant.
Or maybe Bilbo DoucheBaggins is the lead singer for the Asshat Savants.
Excellent moniker. I think Bilbo DoucheBaggins has tried to chat me up on the subway.
Oh, that’s special. He usually only hits on girls who are pulling their cars out of the lot, or walking on the street. You must have been carrying a designer bag, huh?
No, I don’t do that, ever since I discovered that it attracted douchehats (or is that douchechapeaux?) … but if it wasn’t him, perhaps it was his brother or cousin, Trolldo Gaggins?
Ok,
“douchechapeaux”
or the plural,
“douchechapeauxes”
(always in lower case, naturally)
Would be a great name for a tragically talented, tragically matched, tragically naïve about the music biz, band. One that would have to break up on the cusp of success for no venue ever having enough letters to spell the name (and the ones that did would misspell it). With that sort of karmha against them . . .
In the middle of the Earth in the land of reprise
lives a dumb little asshat whom we all despise
With his crap spelling skills
fetid, nasty breath
He lives in a dung heap, and everyone hates him:
Bilbo, Bilbo, Bilbo DouchBaggins!
He’s got an IQ of 3!
Bilbo, Bilbo, Bilbo DouchBaggins!
The lamest little asshate we know!
I was thinking more
Bilbo, Bilbo DoucheBag
King of the wild asshats
Don’t you mean:
Davey, Davey Crackhead…
One site to collect them all
One site to blog them
One site to to point out their flaws
And with our laughter, mock them.
I want to have your baby.
Meredith,
I think that’s worthy of a punch!
(Adores a-plenty)
One of the creative people who can draw need to come up with a graphic for that so I can buy the t-shirt.
Why thank you, thank you. I so rarely get to be funny. Or is it just that my guy so rarely finds me funny? Hmmmm….
It would be pretty cool as just text on a black shirt, with a little YSaC on the back, too.
p.s. Sarajean, you can have all you want, cause I sure as sh#% won’t have any if I can help it.
Bravo *cheers and claps wildly* !!
The new YSaC motto!
I will only pay for this if it comes in singing telegram style. Preferrably to the tune of Monster’s Inc.s
“Put that thing back where it came from or so help me!”
Peppy show tunes seem to get the point across much better, don’t you think?
If not sung with that tune, I think a barbershop quartet would do just fine.
I think the Lion King’s ‘Circle of Life’ would be more ironic.
Or “The Eye of the Not.A.Lion.”
I got a Not.A.Lion by the tail?
You know, as much as this guy is trying to be a bad-ass jerk, he really does sound less threatening than I think he could with some creative alterations to his post:
Do you want to tell someone something and don’t have the guts? For a small fee I can. Does your paraplegic co-worker always get the best parking spots? Can’t tell your harem of girlfriends that you have Herpes? Want to tell your neighbor where you buried his dog, but can’t?
Well, for a small fee, I will!
But wait, there’s more! For an additional small fee I’ll include a gift that adds insult to injury! A jogging suit for your co-worker, fake positive STD tests for your girlfriends, or a new collar embroidered with their dead dog’s name for your neighbor!
But wait, there’s more! Thrown in free I’ll insult your intelligence by offering you a service nobody should actually want! Yes, yours to keep free even if you don’t buy the service!
Offer Void in Utah.
Do you deliver biohazardous stuff too? I have a few toxic people that need to understand dealing with them is like handling a batch of plutonium. I think they could use the visual interpretation, though.
Dear Admiral Douchecanoe,
Hello. It’s come to my attention that you’re offering to go tell my sister exactly where she can shove her nasty attitude for a fee. I was wondering if, instead of money, I can pay you in either rare vintage cereals, or by flagging the ads of your competitors on Craigslist for you.
Sincerely,
Astro
“Admiral” seems to be stretching it. Is there like a Private 8th Class or something? Who do they get to scrub out the bilges? He’s probably that guy’s assistant.
Admiral Douchecanoe? I would have sworn this was Major Asshole. (As opposed to General Apathy and Major Boredom…)
As for your sister, just bide your time Astro. Someday she will start dating. If you are anything like my older brother was, an afternoon of intentional and incessantly repeated, horrifyingly loud bodily functions in the presence of the object of her affection should do it.*
*True story. I’ve forgiven him for it. He also had his best friend in on the act.
Whatever and ever. Amen.
Reason #764 to love SJ! 🙂
I am trying to kill my curiosity to determine what the ‘how to guide for those who need how to’ is about.
It’s obviously not a guide about spelling or grammar.
Maybe, “How to apply first aid to your buckshot obnoxious self”?
“How to cause your own brain cells to commit suicide”?
Read the comments on ICHC… that’ll do it.
Just the comments though… the pictures are funny.
This will make more than your brain cells want to commit suicide:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/14/technology/internet/14burger.html?scp=1&sq=haz&st=Search
From the NYT article, a new YSaC rallying cry:
“People think we are weird, but have you seen twilight fans?”
Basic Instructions maybe?
Consider curiosity ‘deader than the mouse the cat dropped at my feet’.
Does anyone else get the sense that this guy says the phrases “No offense, but…” and “What? I’m just being honest!” fairly often?
I bet he likes to “keep it real”.
I’ve been accused of being stubborn, tactless, and a pig-headed jackass, but I’ve never tried to make money at it.
That would take all the fun out of being a stubborn, tactless, pig-headed jackass.
Well, obviously you’re a slacker, SJ. Motivate and put your skills to use and earn some money.
But that sounds dangerously close to actual work, which is significantly less fun that the entertainment industry has led me to believe.
:sigh:
Twelve years at the same company and not one instance of a spontaneous conga line forming.
As someone who has executed “Warrant Service” for hire before, I am at a clean loss of words.
And just because Mr & Mrs. Sparkylvich named their child “Rudeand” may not be enough to wade among cubicles as a dispenser of kharma–does he not appreciate the HP of all those Swinglines?
Dear Mr. Assblaster,
I would like to hire you to deliver an important message for me, but I need to be sure you do it in the most obnoxious, crude, and loud manner that is possible. Are you man enough to do the job properly, or are you just a blow-hard?
See the big guy over there at the bar? Yeah, the one who is 6′ 4″ and about 290 pounds of muscle – that’s the one. I’d suggest you shove him in the chest a couple times while giving him the message.
Here’s the message: Tell him his boyfriend wants him to pick up milk, bread, and the dry-cleaning on the way home, and he needs to hurry because “Mommy” doesn’t want to spank him for being late. Give him a little pat on the backside, too.
I’ll just wait over here and pay you when you get back, OK?
Brilliant!!
(oh what the heck) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!!!
(Sorry, I have the hiccups.)
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(Sorry, I’m dyslexic.)
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11111elebentyelebentyelebenty(so on
and so on, ad inifnitum)
Laurelhach, you broke the style sheet. That’s 50 demerits and a loss of inner ear stability for an hour. Sorry.
Remember: The enter key/carriage return can occasionally be your friend.
Yes, Laurel, do you have a question?
“is ur dumb girlfriend getting cheated on?”
Erm.. let me get this straight. You want me to hire you to scream at me because I’m cheating on my girlfriend? Or she’s dating another person who’s cheating on her and I’m supposed to expect you to take care of the problem?
I’d like to call you all sorts of names for your ridiculous ad, but I don’t know how. Exactly how much do you charge and do you mind if I pay you in gum?
Ok, Windrose, I’ve been bracing for it all day.
*presents punch card*
Sock it to me! (I’ll go for a pair of socks from Astro’s suggested John Lennon collection).
Well, Manda, it’s earlier than I usually punch my victims, I mean, recipients, but for you, I’ll make an exception. Punchity-punch-punch!
What does an honorable mention get; a poke in the ribs, a broken nail, a little slap and tickle?
Hopefully not that last one.
I count it as a tie breaker or half a point when I count up the totals. 8) It could come in handy between you and Taco.
Adieu and bon soir to XLXI, upon which the sun has set, ne’er to rise again.
Comes nigh the hour
O’er which thoughts light
And dour, ha’e loomed e’er lour
To be as Day and as Night
Of no matter to clock a’tall
Only of squinting eye
Yet, still garnered a pall
Which I’d eschew, I’d deny
Yet is ever there.
L
Happy Birthday, Capn – May they never suck (at Craigslist or anywhere else).
Happy Freedom from the Womb Day to you Capn’.
*sigh* Weekends are kind of lonely here on YSaC. Nothing for it.
G’Night, Canada!
If he works real hard he could be Dr Horrible one day.