YSaC, Vol. 697: Something visual that’s not too abysmal.
ACTRACTIVE **BEUATIFULL ** CLASSY ***ELEGANT TRANSEXSUAL *PAULINA***** – t4m
HI GENTELMANS FOR TEH FIRTS TIME IAM HERE IN [LOCATION] LIMITID TIME ONLY FOR 1 DAY STAR BOOKING YOUR APPOINTMENT IAM THE MOST EXPETACULAR TRANSESUAL FOR ALL AROND CAL ME FOR A MASSAGE THAN YOU SERIOUS MAN ONLY BE AS CALASSAY AND ADUCACTED AS ME WHEN YOU CALL xxxxxxxxxx
Note to folks advertising offering “massages” on Craigslist: if you’re advertising yourself as a classy and educated transsexual, don’t use a picture of Brooke Burke along with your ad.
I think I found the punctuation that Paulina lost, though — Sam here apparently found it and decided to put it to good use:
fun guy from denver in boulder often – 21
Hey. How are u I’m. Sam I’m 6. Foot. 167 attraactive. I’m syrian and italian and. Come. Too boulder. 2. 3. Times a. Week. Too. Do some busniss. I am looking. For a. Attractive. College. Woman. Who would. Perhaps like. Too meet and talk and get too know. Each other and. Take it. From there I’m very intellighnet and. Fun. Let me know if u wanna hang out
Too bad that Sam is only intellighnet, not aducacted. If he was aducacted he could “hang out” with Brooke Burke.
Thanks, LichPrincess and ireland forever!
Oh, Rocky! Looks like one from the vaults. 8)
I think Sam and Paulina need to take in an old Steve Reeves movie.
Steve Reeves: Splash him on in the morning and enjoy him all day long!
Sorry, I guess it’s Alan Steel who’s the fragrance of Hercules. My bad.
TM- Don’t you mean whose ?
Yeah, I tried to go back and correct my mistake but I ran out of time. Damn you Ajax, always letting me make a fool of myself.
Speaking of pedantry, where’s Isaac?
Isn’t “who’s” correct?
Alan Steel who is the fragrance? Or am I missing some irony?
Yes, Innana, you surmised correctly that irony has been invoked. (/corey) TM and BS splash it about liberally. (/end corey)
Smells like irony around here. Is that you TM?
*chuckling in the corner*
The answer to Bianchi’s question was “on his way home from Belfast.” I’ve been away for a few days because of that trip, but I’m planning to check in more frequently now that I’m back.
*crickets, stars winking out, trash blowing down streets* Weekend’s over, guys! You can come out now!
Ah, but for me, the Long Weekend of Many Moons has just begun!
*Sips coffee.*
Still drinking it black today. Luckily it’s Monday so I should be ok.
I’m here! I was at the dentist…blech.
*stumbles in, yawning*
*pokes one finger at keyboard until YSaC home page appears*
*reads ads*
*blinks*
*puts on glasses*
*reads ads again*
*removes glasses*
*stumbles out muttering, “I’ll be back in a bit. Imma gonna put on a large pot of coffee. We’re gonna need it for this one.”
Edit: *waves* Mornin’ Windrose.
Mornin’ y’all! First day back to work after “simple” (simple my Aunt Fanny!..grumble, harumph) gallbladder surgery…buried, knee-deep in alligators…sigh…..
Never trust a doctor when they say a procedure is “simple.” I’m glad you at least feeling expetacular enough to go to work.
Mornin’ Windrose and Archie
Clearly Sam is a graduate of the Shatner school of sexy-talk.
I’m.sorry.can’t.read.Sparky/Sam ad without.invoking.Shatner.
Beam me up, Scotty!
This is for all the gentelmans…*snerk*
Be more calassay… I have a for sell, minty condition, but you’ll need your protection.
*hee hee*
I’m not sure all the words they used in those posts were correct. Let me check my dictionotomy…
Well, all be derned. Thems is trueatios wordicalogicals. Good thing I had my dictionotomy handy, otherwise I’d never have noticed their corroctogoricalicalisms.
As soon as I read the word “derned” my mind began reading in a thick south’n accent.
My work here is done.
Here, I had an insite that “dern” was one of those technical terms for idiom as “kern” is for alphabetical alignments.
Then the coffee kicked in. Ow.
Sam is, apparently, 6′ 167″, which translates to… 19’11”. Approximately.
I think it’s a coded missive. A peaceful giant has been entrapped within a boulder by a tranny because HE MADE A VERY BAD MAN VERY ANGRY, and has only been allowed the opportunity to call for snacks via the online. He has, however, gone on Craigslist, and left a coded missive such as that of Josephine Anwhistle in The Wide Window. Let’s see what we can find…
Nevermind. I got nothin’.
Aw, cut poor Sam some slack. He’s only 6. They don’t learn how to punctuate properly until second grade.
California + sassy = Calassay
Given the powerful wordsmithery of the first post, I think the actual picture of the poster is probably thus:
EXPETACULAR TRANSESUAL
Expetacular = exceptional + spectacular + vegan/PETA member.
My thoughts exactly!!!!
Expetacular = Expectorant + spectacular
Eww
I’m especially good at Expetacularating!
My what a guy, Pauline!
+elebenty adores for the reference to my favorite Disney movie! =)
“Expectorating trans-sexual” one of those unfortunate word constructions (and while a potential band name, has hints of being a warning to the putative audience).
+ elebenty adores! Way to rock out a new word, Bianchi.
Jinkies.
I am literally speechless, which doesn’t happen often. Give me a minute.
*hunts for coffee thermos*
*Sips his coffee*
*Raises his right finger and opens his mouth.*
*Closes his mouth and lowers finger.*
*Sips his coffee.*
Taco now has another word to add to his list of power words:
EXPETACULAR
This joins my list which includes:
AWESOMETACULAR
WONDIFEROUS
FANTASTICAR
PHANTASMAGORICAL
INTERCRASTICALLY
The first poster should feel honored*.
*No (s)he shouldn’t.
(If you mash them together, it gets really weird.)
fun actractive beuatifull classy elegant guy transexsual Paulina from Denver for the firt time in boulder often – 21 –t4m
………………………………………………..
Hey. How are u gentelmans I’m Paulina/Sam I’m 6. foot for a limited time only for one 167 day attraactive star booking your appointment. I’m the most expetacular Syrian and Italian and transesual Come. Too boulder 2.3. times a. week. For all arond cal me for a massage. I am looking. For a. attractive. College. Woman. Who would. Perhaps like you serious man too meet and talk and get too know. Each other be as classay and aducacted as me when you call, I’m very intellighent and. Fun. Let me know if u wanna hang out.
(Ouchy. That made my brain hurt.)
My mind, it is bloewhn!
Mine too. I’m not doing that again without help from Mr. Vicodin.
Probably best read as if one were a relative of Ernst Stavro Blofeld
Cap, I must be dazzled from your Don’t Suck appearance today. I read that as Probably breast fed. . . yes, it was a particularly long and nasty day at work. Why do you ask?
Color me confused, I was eschewing the interrogative in every aspect and way to the best of my knowledge information and/or belief (v.i.)
But, I can also safely blame it upon the alcohol and the humidity tonight.
It certainly was not for the abundance of 42 players about (even if Aussie remained confused).
I think Sam’s boulders are hanging out all over the place. What kindergartner wouldn’t be looking. For a. Attractive. College. Woman. Think big little man, think big!
Sam I am, let’s have some Spam. I feel all icky in an
I-turned-my back-on-a-dictionary sort of way.
I don’t think Sam should be showing his boulders to the kindergarteners, I think they have laws against that.
Same with flashing them your massive link.
Are you saying Sam isn’t 6? Somebody call Chris Hansen!
*I need some iced tea that I can drink at the kitchen island until he shows up*
Somebody call Snoop the Crime Dogg!
EXPETACULAR – the word to use if you can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialadocious.
These two posts are so CALASSAY AND ADUCACTED that they must be a joke? Surely? Come on? to quote the EXPETACULAR John McEnroe “You cannot be serious?!” Great way to start a Monday – classic snark material.
How many times do I have to say it?
Do you have a “surely sensor” that goes off whenever anyone on the internet types “surely?”
Sorry, Surly.
@Windrose – are we really in control? have they left us in charge? can we play games now that the grown-ups are away? please? pretty please? you’ll be my best friend??
Oooooh! I like your thinking, tigprincess. We could be minions running amok!
It is alwaysthe quiet ones….
*nods towards camera, pushing up bill of John Deere cap*
“Yup, they’s always was the quiet types, real nice and polite-like. We nebber had any idear they’s up to any thing weird ’til they started buildin’ that there gayzeebo outa dismembered skellytins in the back yard. They did a good job with the femur placement though.”
and the swingset with deer carcasses with bedazzled hooves
Tigprincess, of course we can play games! Here’s a good one. How many words can you make out of the letters in Llama-nun? You can only use them as many times as they are actually there, but you do not have to use all the letters at one time. Man. Lam. Null. Uh. . .
*Down at [location] city hall.
As the mayor of [location], let me be clear: we do not tolerate this kind of activity in [location]! We do not want your kind in [location]! Stay the hell out of [location]! Go back to [ish] or xxxxx or wherever you came from! Do not sully our fine town of [location]!
**Turns to secretary- “Miss Johnson, please schedule a ‘private meeting’ with this Paulina gentleman as soon as possible…”
Hey, hey, hey!! We don’t want those kinds of people in Ish, either, Mayor!
I think (s)he might be suited to xxxxx, though.
They’ve got quite the underground, according to the Craigslist Traveller’s Companion.
Astro — I think Bianchi is from the same town we are? What do you think? She would fit in perrrfectly here.
I know this one! “she”‘s a he! (And not in a “Paulina” way.)
Did Bianchi change his sex AGAIN?!?!?!
Pick a side and OWN it for crying out loud!
(S)he’s getting all excited with today’s transexual talk.
I don’t know why you guys get so confused about me all the time.
What?
*On the steps of Ish City Hall
“Dear people of Ish. Please let me make it clear that anything negative I may or may not have said regarding your fair city and the transexual or otherwise deviant population therein was taken out of context, and meant in no way as a slur against your fine town. We, the people of [location] have always held the people and institutions of Ish in the highest regard. Let there be no mistake…
ICH BIN EIN ISHER!”
*To aide, not realizing the mic is still on…
“That ought to satisfy these inbred morons. Let’s get the hell out of this shithole.”
It’s like I’ve heard this somewhere before. Closeby even.
Naw, it’s not like this could ever happen in any suburb of Milwaukee.
For those who don’t know what I was alluding to:
Mayor of New Berlin.
Quick recap: You are all a bunch of bigoted assholes! Except for those of you who read my email; I meant people OTHER than you, of course. Specifically those who haven’t read the email and complained.
Love and Kisses,
Mayor Jackass
Better a Mayor Jackass than a Senator Jackass.
My speech was actually just a mishmash of every lame public figure’s half-assed pseudo-apology I could think of, with the paraphrased JFK quote throw in for dramatic and comedy effect.
The fact that something so similar happened to a mayor in, of all places, New Berlin is absolutely expetacular.
Damn! I missed Bianchi in his Goddess get-up yet again.
This person is in [Location] too? Damn, but that place is going downhill fast. Nothing against the fact that she’s a tranny, but these people who can’t spell properly are lowering the tone of the whole town!
Well ever since the recession hit and Kclhm had to cut the [location] renovation project things have really deteriorated there. Their giant statue of Tahiti Sam is now covered in grafitti, and that Misjay biker gang has even the police frightened to walk the streets at night.
Makes Denver look like paradise. If only somebody could walk tall in [location].
Looks like this city needs a hero!
**Swirls around very quickly, and emerges in costume**
Looks like a job for Inflatable Blow-Up Spider-Man!
“Inflatable Blow-Up Spider-Man,Inflatable Blow-Up Spider-Man,
does whatever an Inflatable Blow-Up Spider-Man can…”
Yeah, that doesn’t quite roll off the tongue in the same way.
I hear that Pauline was all ready to try out for the touring company of La Cage Aux Folles, but she didn’t speak Spanish.
Sam’s capitalization looks like he typed it in a word processor with an auto-correct feature, especially since he didn’t capitalize a word in his title. This makes the spelling even more baffling.
I think this is a coded method to get around the CL rules for selling things
and a person could wind up with a bangstick
or on a very perverse bicycle ride [cue Steppenwolf for audio]
It’s always code.
My greatest wish is to have more fish.
You should move to Ish! They love to fish!
Tonight only! It’s Always Code, with opening act Tinfoil Hat and the Conspiracy Theorists! Special guests jam band sensation Ish! If you’re reading this, you should already know where the show will be…
Hermann Hesse?
I didn’t know Hermann Hesse sang “Born to be Wild.” Awesome!
I think it was just an acoustic version.
I dunno Cap’n, I think Pauline was rather open about her “bangstick.”
I’m six days shy of a half-century, broke, stove-up, alone and surly, and I’ve lived in a college town longer than most college wimmins have been alive . . .
Good thing it’s Flag Day here in the US, or I might be in bad mood
As it is, this badinage and verbiage have inspired the apt band for the day:
Eschewing Curmudgeons
Out.
🙁 Not sure how flag day keeps a bad mood away, other than the alcohol one is supposed to consume. Is commiserating or cheering up in order?
And I’d never chew on a curmudgeon.
Hey, at a certain level of deprivation, even an obscure holiday is worth celebrating.
And, as a curmudgeon more than well eschewed, one’s birthday week ought to be grist, not gristle for gnawing upon.
Let’s finalize it.
How’s this?
“The Eschewing Curmudgeons, T0NitE! @ teh 40WaTt!!!!111!!!elebenty!!!
A folk metal band, the members of the Eschewing Curmudgeons include:
The Grinch (Lead Singer)
Dr. Greg House (on Piano)
Oscar the Grouch (on Drums)
and
The Old Man who Lives Down the Street (on Electric Guitar)!!!”
These gentlemen will be playing their smash hit, “Damn Kids, Get Offa the Lawn!”
Oooh, I love the syncronized cane-shaking in the middle of that one!
After which they will tell themselves to quit making such a racket and to turn that awful music down.
Their shows are always very brief, but awesome.
That’s their remix of “Get Off Of My Cloud”, right? I’ve seen them live. Great show. The Revolving Boulders, they used to be called, before they saw this post. Little known fact.
Don’t forget about the 3:30 dinner buffet before the show. Don’t get there after 4 or all the soft foods will be gone.
After 4? Is that when you break out the meat gerberts?
You kidding? Gerberts are the first to go! After 4 it’s just rare cereals and dumpster crisps, hell on the dentures.
..and Lionel on a cracker…
Bravo et Brava, mon chorous la plupart de Grec!
A jot of joy, of mirth, of jocularity most pleasant and remarked–with thanks to one and all who made it so.
I think I knew Paulina back when she (?) went by the name Sam. I’m almost sure of it, because we went to different schools together, 10 years apart. Sam was a “deep receiver” for the football team – said it was a special position created just for him. Sam disappeared from school about the time Paulina showed up. She was an engineering design student working on air-bag design for protection during frontal impact.
Never mind….
I heard Paulina went on to work for Dodge. Her innovative designs to the Ram tailpipe revolutionized the truck industry. She also did most of the work on the intake.
Funny, that’s what (s)he said about you…. 😉
Sam disappeared from school about the time Paulina showed up…
This sounds like the opening sentence of a Stephen King novel—Tommy’s Knockers.
So did Sam play in the other team’s uniform or did he play with the other team’s equipment as well?
Only pucks and balls*.
*written on page 43 of [Location] High School’s 1984 yearbook. 1984? Coincidence? I think not.
Grampdaddy! Glad to see you today. 8)
Is nice to be back! Thank you! :<)
I headed over to Sloganizer.net to see what it could do with Expetacular. Apparently even it was confused:
Slogan: What is EXPETACULAR?
Yeah, that’s pretty much the feeling we’re getting here.
Huh. They turned me into:
«Astrognash is your safe place in an unsafe world!»
Somehow I think they’ve got it backwards.
Really?
I got ‘Take what you want but leave Astrognash alone’.
Pretty sound advice if you ask me.
8)
Well, I typed in your name, and got:
«LimeLolly – You see this name, you think dirty.»
Somehow, I don’t, though, because I associate the names with the Gravatars, so now I associate you with Puss in Boots. And Puss in Boots…
well, I guess that could kinda be a euphemism…
Hahaha… good one.
We don’t need no stinkin’ euphemisms.
Apparently, “Laurelhach is our middle name.” Which is funny, because I always thought it was mine.
WHY HAVE I BEEN MISLED ALL MY LIFE? *sits down in emo-corner to cry*
Some funny ones it generated for You Suck at Craigslist:
«Once You Suck at Craigslist, always You Suck at Craigslist.»
Which I misread as “Once you suck at Craigslist, you always suck at Craigslist”.
« You Suck at Craigslist is my sport.»
« You Suck at Craigslist your way!»
Aww, that last one is actually kind of sweet! You can imagine Sparky’s mum, desperate to support her wayward child, sitting him down and telling him “Listen Sparky my boy, you may suck at Craigslist, but I know without a doubt that you do so in a _completely unique_ way, a way that no-one else could. Why, who else could come up with such creative spellings, often using only two or three letters of the ‘correct’ spelling? Or make such simple items so confusing using only a single picture and an artfully arranged carcass? Or find such strange and unexpected uses for common household items like deer hooves? No Sparky, ignore the others, yours is truly a rare skill. Keep on sucking at Craigslist your own special way!”
I got:
“I wish I was a Lola.” I am a Lola, you stupid machine! Also, shouldn’t it properly be “I wish I were?
I got “follow your Arched Eyebrows” which is, coincidentally, exactly what Mr. Eyebrows does. 🙂
I got “The Wonder is Innana.”
Spot on!
Hmmm….
<<I fall for SaraJean80>>
:sigh:
Yet another inanimate object is hitting on me. And I just went through a messy break-up with the waffle iron.
You think waffle irons are bad, try breaking it off with a taser or roomba. The Taser will express itself unpleasantly, though the Roomba is better, in that it just follows you around … and won’t let the cat sit on it while it’s doing so, so the cat is upset too …
Yes, but try to end it with a weedwhacker.
Your hedges will tell the tale, my friend.
I’ve heard mops can be quite persistent in trying to get you back after break-ups.
I got “The queen buys Camille.” Which is wrong on so many levels.
I got:
Think! Feel! Grampdaddy!
or
Grampdaddy Feels!
I’m beginning to detect a pattern. I think I’m concerned.
Maybe it’s just me being stereotypical, but I never believe someone who claims to be “actractive” and “beuatifull”, AND “calassay and aducacted”. As far as I’m concerned, one of those things has to go, and given her expetacular spelling, I’m guessing she’s tired of people only being attracted to her mind.
I also have a sneaking suspicion she looks less like Ms Burke and more like the dear old tranny who used to come into the $2 Shop I worked in. Said femme fatale usually sported a pretty sundress, thick old-man sandals and walking socks, with hair (both head and leg) all sticking out in every direction and lipstick from nose to chin – generally doing a scarily effective Terry-Jones-as-Brian’s-mother-Mandy impression. Bless.
Come on, not every transsexual looks like John Lithgow in “The World According to Garp”. Some of them pass really well. The girl in that photo could absolutely be trans.
I’m also imagining that she has a crazy accent and actually says “ca-lass-say” for “classy”.
Wow, I never thought of that. I now feel really, really terrible for implicitly mocking the poor people of [LOCATION], who all obviously suffer from some sort of localised radiation poisening, resulting in birth defects which cause them to pronounce attractive “ACTRACTIVE”, beautiful “BEUATIFULL”, educated (?) “ADUCACTED” and be unable to correctly pluralise words (*coughGENTELMANScough*).
And while I’m sure the girl in the photo _could_ well be a gorgeous trans lady, I have a feeling her legal team would have some very cranky-sounding words to say should you make such an assertion unequivicably. And they’d probably spell them all correctly, too (she hired them in ISH).
Wow, do you think Corey was a tranny? 8/ Naw, it would be too much to ask.
CapnMac, here’s your special Punchity-Punch-Punch!
G’Night, Transylvania!
With gratitude and no more angina than a half-century of mis-spent youth can already attain, my thanks.
perhaps he/they should contact rupaul. or. some. other. venue where speeling is not required.
Sparky there is the reason most Bolder-ites have a bad name.