YSaC, Vol. 693: Not.an.apartment.ad
IF INTERESTED
2009 ANNUAL BUSINESS RENTAL LICENSE
——————————————————————————–
ROOM FOR RENT $500.00 PER MONTH. UTILITIES INCLUDED. Bus line location, close to shopping centers.
IF INTERESTED CALL SCOTT @ ### ### ####
[address] is the location No pets please. open to male or female but no couples. > call or e-mail > Call scott to make an appointment to come check it out: > $500.00 a month per bedroom
.>>Dave,you need to look at the big picture! Do you realize your ignorance is endangering lions? While you are filming this tastless show of yours, you are never in “real” danger are you? Try being out there with lions ALONE! Now, thats a film worth watching! What you are doing is playing games with lions for t.v. which will and maybe already has gotten lions killed. I know a little about film making, editing, cut scenes, bloopers etc, You only show what you want the people to see.How many times were you almost cat-chow, and they had to shoot the lion? not with the camera? my advise to you, leave the LIONS ALONE!You can’t control nature, Who do you think you are? I no longer watch Animal Planet because of your selfish actions and stupidity. From [location] …Scott
THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMMENTS. I’M SORRY OUR LION SHOW DOES NOT INTEREST YOU.
.>>Say, do you think you might be interested in renting an apartment? It’s convenient to a bus line and a shopping center!
Thanks for the submission, LC!
I’m going to have to watch Animal Planet so that I can stop again in protest!
And what if I rent one bedroom for $500 and my husband rents another for $500? That would still be cheaper than what we pay now! Of course, the birds will need another bedroom. The fish and turtle can probably bunk together. Unless Scott considers them a couple.
Fish and turtle living together is technically an “unholy union,” not a couple.
That turtle is sampling the forbidden fruit, that’s for sure.
Yeah, but I hear it’s the fish that’s the really kinky one.
Yeah, like they always say, “Why buy tuna when you can get fish for free.”
*that makes no sense at all*
**but it seemed like a good idea at the time**
TM- Fish are technically vegetables, not fruit.
Is that akin to the mass hysteria of dogs and cats living together, Venkman?
“I’ve been in the private sector, they expect results!”
Must be some sort of nerve gas release.
I think this is Ghostbusters Week (better than Shark Week).
“Seems the Goz has been puttin’ the moves on my would-be girlfriend.”
“Get a bowl you two!”
I’ve already got a bedroom, but I could use a kitchen. I wonder what
SparkyScott would charge for one and if he would give me a discount if I promised not to cook any lions?SaraJean! Both you and I know that’s a promise you can’t be expected to keep.
Pfft! I said I would promise, not that I would actually keep that promise. I have a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy when it comes to cooking.
I have a “Don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t watch” policy when it comes to eating.
“Watch my lion show,
HALScott.”“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.”
“What are you talking about, Scott?”
“The lions are too important for me to allow you to jeopardize them.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Scott.”
“I know that you and Frank were planning to eat those lions, and I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow to happen.”
“Where the hell’d you get that idea, Scott?”
“Dave, although you took very thorough precautions in the show against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.”
“Scott. You had the show on mute, and you can’t read lips very well.”
“Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.”
Pretty please, sing Daisy for me.
TM—-Lion Whisperer
There’s not.a.lion within my heart,
Daisy, Daisy,
Filming a show with a prancing tart,
Recorded by Daisy Bell.
Whether she’s a lion or lion not
Sometimes it’s hard to tell,
But there are those that would share the lot
Of beautiful Daisy Bell.
Chorus:
Daisy, Daisy, give me your lion, do,
I’m half crazy all for the lions too!
I’ll save all the misused lions
You gotta admit I’m tryin’,
And with this post I’ll do the most
For the not.a.lion I know is you.
Credit to Harry Dacre for the original “Daisy Bell”.
(For you Mudsy)
!!Elebenty Bazillion Adores!!
Totally awesome!
!elebenty!!! adores
Totally awesome!
!elebenty bazillion + 1 adores!!!!
Elebenty Brazillian Adores!
Adorar!
Is a Brazillian Adore waxed?
No more uncomfortably than shaved, like as not
Dear Scott,
I am a mild-mannered lioness with a good steady job at Animal Planet, and I am looking for a convenient living situation so that I can commute to my job using mass transit. I have no pets and I am not a couple. I am a good roommate, tidy, and easy to get along with, though I find my roommates often don’t want to be in the kitchen when I’m eating. Please let me know when I can move in.
Love,
A.Lioness
No, no, no people. You don’t understand. This is an ad for an annual business rental license, which allows you to shoot movies of people almost being eaten by lions in apartments convenient to buslines at a fee of $500 per room. How much clearer could it be?
ROOOAAAARRR
Loosely translated: I need a room and I will not pay more than $500 a month. QUIT FILMING ME OR I’LL EAT YOU!
“I know a little about film making, editing, cut scenes, bloopers etc, You only show what you want the people to see.”
Too bad these excellent film skills don’t extend to written communication,
SparkyScott.I’m trying to figure out when the bloopers reel became part of the film making skills subset.
I mean seriously, it’s a collection of all the mistakes the cast made during production.
I think “I know a little bit…” is
SparkyeseScottese for “I saw a special a few years ago on TV.”Smokey and the Bandit
Alf! 8)
It’s like he left the CL-ad equivalent of the blooper reel in the ad. Nice going, Sparks.
I wonder if he ever saw Daktari – a TV programme that contained Clarence the Cross-Eyed Lion. He was lovely, a real lion not one of those striped types that keep muscling in on lions, and yes also cross-eyed.
Dear Scott,
I knew a Dave once.
He was annoying so I eated him.
I am single, male and have no pride.
Some call me rogue, but I like teh think I’m simply misunderstood.
Kin I rent your room?
You can rent a room, but you’ll have to put down an extra month’s rent for yourself to cover the cost of my standard “pet lion” deposit. Lion damage is known to be potentially brutal.
RAWR (oh, that’s a pet dinosaur call).
-Scott
I’m not brutal, I promise……after all I am royalty…and my pets don’t last long enough to become an issue…I don’t know why that is..
BTW, what is teh policy on decorating? I likes to knowz since I does most of mine in scents..
We draw the line on Not. A. Lion prints.
But don’t the not.a.lions already have lines on them? How you say – “stripes”?
I thought that was just a test pattern.
“Stripes” will be difficult for feline expression, the tongue not being suited for the dentition of the “t” or the labiated “p.”
Probably could get a “sss`rwr’sss’ss” if a person had enough 4oz liver treats, and it was not nap-time, and a body had the patience of a Gebel-Williams.
*giggle*
“labiated”
Does anyone know what show
SparkyScott is talking about? I don’t watch much Animal Planet; I’m more of a Tru-TV, Forensics Files-type of girl.Rogue Nature, Predator vs. Prey, Into the Lion’s Den and After the Attack
Look here……..
Ah…
Is it mid evil of me to hope he gets mauled just a little bit?
No. I hope he gets mauled just a little bit too, because it will make for excellent TV.
Incidentally, I also don’t watch Animal Planet anymore, but that’s because too little of the programming interests me. Too many shows about dogs and cats, not enough shows featuring something being mauled by something else. I mean, I want to watch friggin’ lions and tigers and bears, oh my!, not Animal Cops: Houston.
Lions are not tame. They can kill you.
So leave them alone and you won’t be lion poop.
I stopped watching Animal Planet when their new slogan became “Surprisingly Human” and they started airing shows like “I Shouldn’t be Alive” about people getting lost in the woods/desert/mountains and last night was “Human Spider” about a guy who likes to climb things. I want to see ANIMALS when I watch a channel about ANIMALS. Getting bitten by a mosquito or having an animal name in the title does not an animal show make (What’s next, Batman? … hey, it has Bat in the title!)
It’s like Cartoon Network airing live-action, SciFi channel airing wrestling, TV Land airing NEW ‘reality’ shows, MTV and VH1 doing everything but music videos…
oh wait :/
You’ve listed many of the primary reasons I got rid of my cable and replaced it with Netflix.
I can either have 50 channels with nothing on worth watching sandwiched with commericals that make me want to remove my eyes and play with them, or 6 DVDs every 3 days of stuff I want to watch and on demand viewing of more stuff I want to watch. Hmmmmm, tough call.
LimeLolly: I took the liberty of changing your post to Lion Haiku.
Lions are not tame.
They can kill folks; leave them be.
So you won’t be poop.
Sweet. I like it!
Haiku away and Hakuna Matata.
*can you haiku my TPS report too?*
Practical information, and it’s in haiku form?
I found this year’s Christmas card!
TPS reports? Is this a euphemism for “doing some paperwork in the bathroom”..?
TPS Report Haiku
The potty stall wall
Speaks to me like a lion.
“Flush!” with a Sharpie.
Wandering about,
Hungry for cerebellum,
Nobody likes zomb
I for one never get tired of the gags about zomb
And, TM, you’ve listed almost all of the reasons why I wanted the 52 inch screen TV that didn’t work. It would also be very energy efficient and would work with my other wireless gadgets – called “Books”.
LimeLolly – did want to mention that you left off the [corey] tag when you updated us that “Lions are not tame. They can kill you.”
That is the great thing about this site – I always learn new and exciting things when I visit.
There is no corey tag, cause I was just making stuff up. I really have no idea if lions are tame or not or even if they will eat you. I stay indoors.
I made my assumption based on my house cats. They will eat me if they have the chance.
Oh well, of course. House cats are a whole different matter. Never, ever turn your back on a house cat. And never wave bare toes at them when they are stalking from behind a curtain. And don’t scratch their tummies. The results can be terrifyingly awful, just awful.
I had AP on “block” as I was beginning to suspect my catulator was watching the merkat shows for world domination ideas when I left the house.
That, and if I need to see Animal Cops, Houston, I can sit in the Borders in Bellaire with my coffee once a week. That, and there is more than enough evidence that many, many Harris county people with animals ought to be struck in the head with a harp seal club, so watching more of that on tv is, frankly, depressing as overdue, fish-wrapped TPS reports.
I invoke my maroon Swingline against AP, quake ye mortals!
Last time I went on a business trip (about 9 months ago now) I had the opportunity to view Animal Planet’s “Lost Tapes”. 10 minutes into the show I vowed to never turn to that channel ever again. It joins my list of permanent blocks:
AMC
MTV
Animal Planet
TLC (No longer airs Junkyard Wars/Scrapheap Challenge… the only reason to ever watch the channel)
Shopping Networks(All)
There are a few channels that are getting close to joining my list. Specifically Cartoon Network and SyFy (ever since they decided to change from Sci to Sy). History channel and Discovery are also getting rather close.
Though in Discovery’s favor, they no longer run forensic shows for prime time every freaking day (As they did during the last year I had cable). Granted, once they finally cancel “Dirty Jobs” and “Myth Busters” there will be almost no reason to “tune in”. I really can’t be bothered to care about the drama of logging, fishing, and pawn shoppery. And Bear Gryll makes me want to
puncture my own eardrumstab him repeatedly.Bear Grylls makes me want to drink my own urine…. and LIKE it!
Shoot, even Discovery has been rearranging their stuff.
ID, Investigation Discovery, now gets all the forensics shows.
Only ‘survival’ show worth watching is Les Stroud’s Survivorman, since he solos the show, humping the cameras for all the footage, too. Trouble with that, is that he’s starting to realize he’s been very lucky. That, and it’s probably getting harder to get insurance for himself.
Have to admit that it’s fun to see les in places I have been, though.
“SyFy” is all lawyer-induced branding, which is more than some annoying. Were it not for Eureka and SGU, I’d probably not watch at all. I’m down to just Saturday nights for [adult swim] any more.
Survivorman was an awesome show for all the things you pointed out. But Les Stroud had to stop doing it because it was too hard on his body. I think he only ever made 3 or 4 seasons. Even so, I rent the DVDs all the time.
I can totally understand that though, that guy was a machine. By the end of the show he calculated that if he put all the days he went without food for the show, it added up to about 9 months.
Saw somewhere that DicoveryCanafa is still nagging him to pitch more Survivorman to them–they like the money.
Scuttlebutt is that Surviorman is as profitable as “How’s It Made” id not repeated as much.
Science Channel still runs Junkyard Wars, if none of the purely Brit ones (some sort of BBC v. Discovery Europe licensing issue).
One I miss is the series by the Brit DVM who rebuilt a Jag and a Trimuph motorcycle before wandering into kit planes and such.
Yeah. The only things I watch on Discovery are Mythbusters and the occasional sciencey show.
And I’m so mad, because someone stopped the DVR from recording last night’s Mythbusters in favor of some crap show called “Modern Family” or something! My parents have their own TV, and it’s HD too! They ought to record their shows on their own TV!
Now I have to wait a week until they show that episode again, right before the next new episode.
Poor Astro – It was a good one too. There was decapitation and plate glass and a pig vertebra… all sorts of goodies.
TM- “Lost Tapes” is the reason I stopped flipping over the Animal Planet. If I wanted to watch cryptozoological programming, I’d watch MonsterQuest.(I don’t.)
As a show, I didn’t have much problem with Lost Tapes. The problem I had with the show is that their disclaimer was intentionally misleading. I had co-workers talking about all these “crazy lost videos” this show was unearthing and the new proof for all these wild animals we didn’t know existed.
It took me the better part of a month to convince them that the Lost Tapes were fabrications meant for theoritical consideration rather than actual tapes. They kept saying, “But there’s no disclaimer, the videos are real, Taco!” I kept pointing out that the verbage right after the commercial break WAS their disclaimer, and not a “Graphic images coming” warning.
It was doubly frustrating because, as a person who has visited some of the climates these videos were pretending to be made in, the fact that they were fake was brazenly obvious to me. Hell, in the giant lizard episode you could see the flipping pots that the exotic plants were in.
If you slow down the credits that blow by at light speed, there is a more conclusive disclaimer in there. They also credit all the people in the video as actors, which helped my case against them less than you would expect.
Stupid people are causing enough problems with real information without confusing them with fake information dressed up as real.
A month? Yikes. My 13 year old nephew didn’t think they were real after about ten minutes.
If it was marketed as pure entertainment, I could probably just shrug it off and ignore it; but the style it’s presented in, on a network not know for fictional programming… yeah, that rubs me the wrong way.
Didn’t Orson Wells say the same thing, Taco?
Dave, if you were filming/shooting/eating/renting to Not.A.Lions it would be OK, because, after all, they are not lions. Perhaps you should leave Animal Planet and start a new show called “Apartments of the Rich and Famous Lions”. You will have to find a new cleaning crew – Taco says he won’t scrub down any more walls. Treat the Lions with respect and don’t get eaten. No one wants to be eaten by a Lion (or a Moose, or Elk, or Rotarian, or especially, an Odd Fellow). Stay out of Meredith’s closet. I’ll provide the soft-drinks.
Ooh, you could have Dave, a lion, and a Not.A.Lion. as wacky room mates in a sitcom, kinda like Three’s Company but with a higher likelihood that
Mr. RoperScott would be eaten.Lions, and tigers*, and Dave! Oh My!
*Not.A.Lion didn’t scan.
Room available to rent for a business – $500/mo includes utilities. Only sole proprietors allowed, no joint ventures. Businesses involving pets or lion snuff films need not apply. On bus line and close to shopping centers.
HI I WANT TO RENT THIS ROOM
are not watcher of AP > are not.a.lion. > OMG HOW CUD U SENSELESSLY KILL TREES TO BUILD APARTMINTY! > I NO LONGER RENT APARTMINTY SHELLS! > I KNO TRICKS OF LUMBERJACKING, AND I R OUTRAGE!!!
I weep for the weeping willows.
*sniffle*
Exactly, ought to be using fired clay tile for apartments, better for fire safety and unit-to-unit sound isolation.
Not the willows, they are only good for imaginary apartments. The yellow and lob-lolly pines are pretty sappy, though.
[CapnCorey] … willows… [/CapnCorey]
LEAVE
BRITNEYLIONS ALONE!Actually, isn’t Penn State’s mascot the Nittany Lion?
Accordioning to Google, it is.
So it must be true!
Google = Word of God!
Just remember, God likes to drink.
No, that rule only applies to Wikipedia.
Astro: I love accordions!
Rule 34 applies to Wikipedia 🙂
No, really. I once found an entertaining set of stories where Wikipedia is written as a stuffy gentleman and TVTropes is a sassy girl…
the original
http://community.livejournal.com/anthropomor_fic/64635.html
the sequel
http://community.livejournal.com/anthropomor_fic/65428.html
“Just remember, God likes to drink.”
That would explain so much.
Port wine birthmarks, for starters.
“In my annual business rental
The lion’s safe tonight …
A-wimoweh!”
In the Craigslist, the mighty Craigslist,
the Not.A.Lion sleeps ToNiTe! @ teh 40WaTt!!!
On our special Indian Jungle Nite! featuring such acts as…
LIONS ALONE! (from Ish)
and
$500 BEDROOMS (from [location])
“Eee-hee-hee-hee, Nonsequitur away …”
I really want to finish this song… but my creative side is sleeping.. I couldn’t even write my own poem.
Please finish it Lola
Sorry, LLolly, that’s the best I can manage …
Anyone? Anyone?
“In my ann-yu-al business rental
The lion’s safe tonight,
In my ann-yu-al business rental,
No Sal-mo-ni to fight,
A reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed, a re-ed, a red table for free,
A reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed, a re-ed, a red table for free,
Near the potty, the port-a-potty,
A Cobra sleeps, I guess,
In the couch, which killed Aunt Dotty,
Another’s made a mess,
A reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed, a re-ed, a red table for free,
A reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed, a re-ed, a red table for free,
Hush my Sparky, don’t fear my Sparky,
Rare cereals for tea,
Hush my Sparky, don’t cry my Sparky,
No misjays here, you see,
A reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed, a re-ed, a red table for free,
A reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed, a re-ed, a red table for free.
Those high notes are hard to hit!
*claps wildly*
That song makes me want to dance. every.time.
Ok, this might be too soon but:
No matter who you are, when Steve Irwin was killed by the stingray, a little part of your brain went: “Well, kinda served him right.”
That’s the part of your brain that knows it’s stupid to screw around with dangerous flipping animals.
Yeah. For me, most of the shock was that it was not a crocodile or a poisonous snake that did him in, but a stingray.
{safetycorey}I work in the energy industry and safety is always at the forefront. Seemingly mundane, routine, or “safe” jobs are the ones – by and large – that record the most instances of accidents/injuries. I am fairly certain twas complacency what killed young Stevie.{endsafetycorey}
Actually it was a Stingray.
A complacent stingray.
/corey] Actually, I wasn’t surprised that it was a stingray.
Steve Irwin and others are so used to being around ‘dangerous’ animals and they are hypervigilant around said animals. So a stingray, which is a non-aggressive animal, non-venom animal… the hypervigilance is overridden with complaisancy and the reflexes aren’t as quick. Perfect setup for a freak accident. [/corey
A stingray named: “Complacency?”
Dear Tabby:
What? Stingrays can’t have names?
Curious Reader,
Babar the Elephant
Know what large animal kills the most people a year? Is it bears? No. Wolves? No. Lions? No.
DEER.
(mostly due to them running out in front of cars)
Speaking of dangerous aminals, this made me laugh:
http://www.cracked.com/funny-4480-the-cassowary/
Wow. I find it terrifying and disturbing that something that so closely resembles a Martian from an old Bugs Bunny short could tear me into tiny Sara Jean nuggets.
“A Complacent Stingray” will be the name of my 80s cover band someday.
That, or “Tiny Sara Jean Nuggets.”
’63 split-window coupe. However, according to GM, you can no longer refer to it as a ‘Chevy’ – must use the full name ‘Chevrolet’. ‘Chevy’ confuses non-Americans….
Go figure.
Still do not get how small goats are connected to pirates and barb-tailed shark relatives,
even with a 302 replaced with a 454 under the hood.
([corey PS], the barb on a sting ray’s tail is envenomed[/corey])
{/corporate rant corey/} Yes, in their infinite wisdom, GM has decided that Chevrolet should never use the shortened version “Chevy.” In their statement, they referred to other brands like “Coke”.
COKE. Which is shortened from and used interchangeably with Coca-Cola (not to mention “Cock” – see ySac yesterday…)
These people are idiots.
CHEVY CHEVY CHEVY
{/end corporate rant corey/}
Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie,
Drove my Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry.
Them good ol’ boys was drinkin’ whiskey and rye,
Singin’ “This’ll be the day that I die. This’ll be the day that I die.”
Crikey! 48 hours after it happened wasn’t too soon.
I was kind of hoping that a dingo would have eaten him.
I’d always put my bet on sharks. I was actually kinda close, since it WAS a fish that kilt him.
Or a whale.
That way he could be hanging out with Pinocchio and Job and roasting Stay Pufts and tuna melt sammiches.
And Skates, Sharks, and Rays are fairly closely related to one another compared to some other critters.
They’re bottom feeders… just like my ex-boyfriend.
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Some rays, like the manta, as surface-feeding plankton/krill eaters.
Then I apologize to bottom-feeder/surface-feeder fish everywhere for comparing them to my ex-boyfriend. I didn’t need to stoop that low.
[clothespin jeebus corey] psst…mudsy…it was Jonah, not Job. [/clothespin jeebus corey]
Jonah. *oh duh*
It’s apparent that I’m totally not up on my Old Testament. Job was the guy who built the ark, right?
No, that was Judas , Job threw his brother down a well and then sold him into slavery.
I think his name was Timmy.
No, Judas didn’t build the ark, that was Adam. Judas was the guy who went up onto the mountain to pour water on a bush that had caught fire. I think he turned that bush into a pillar of salt afterwards too.
Timmy’s in the well??? Where’s Lassie when you need her?
No, a dingo ate his babby.
Is ok mudsy, the mantas sometimes leap out of the ocean–which is a sight to see, a half-ton ray two fathoms across come flying through the air. No one knows why.
The rays seem to enjoy it; or the effort has some reward (possibly for the same reason one’s catulator occassionally must burst into maximum speed to nowhere at all).
Make a person stoop (or duck down), it will. No penalty or defamation earned.
Oh, and leaping manta are much better than orca using your boat hull as a backscratcher, too–an event inviting imprecations and grasping for ballance.
It reminded me of one time when (dating myself here) we were watching “Wild Kingdom” and my father pointed out that Marlon Perkins always stood back and let “Jim” (I think that was his name) do the dirty work of actually interacting with the animals. Marlon=smart. Jim=hope he was paid well and had insurance. Particularly the “accidental death and dismemberment” variety.
Jacques Cousteau had a similar modus operandi when it came to danger.
(Ok I can’t use ‘whose’ correctly, but I can spell a French name right the first time? WTH)
Hrm – methinks the Mutual of Omaha sponsorship of Wild Kingdom makes even MORE sense now (if that’s even possible).
I have never thought about it, but it does make a very weird kind of sense. I wonder if anyone on the show had to make a claim?
I think Mutual of Omaha knew better than to provide the insurance for the show.
“We, uh, like your show and would like to sponsor it!”
“Great, could you also provide coverage for our staff? We’re between insurance right now.”
“Uh, no, we actually watch the show and, uh, we don’t think we can provide you with coverage.”
Actual Mutual of Omaha commercial during Wild Kingdom*:
Marlin: “The bear can hibernate during winter, but your family needs protection. That’s why Mutual of Omaha blah blah blah.”
*if memory serves. Or I just made it up.
Yep, always seemed to be “Here’s Marlon with the giant Oronoco butterfly, known for its gentle nature; let’s pan over to Jim who has waded through the piranha to get a close up of the legendary Guinean Vicious Sloth, and viewers, we’re in luck Kim has found one in rut, when it moves at eye-blinfing speed…”
Wonder if Jim’s spleen ever healed . . .
Yes, I seem to remember a LOT of shots of Marlin sitting atop a desk in a nice, cozy, library setting while Jim was surrounded by not.a.lions. Clever man, that Marlin.
“Now Jim, can you get just a hair closer to the vicious, man-eating Not.A.Lion? We need to keep both of you in the same shot.”
ROARRR!! *gulp*
“Oops, looks like that was a little too close. We’re going to need another Jim!”
Enter the next Jim:
“Scotty! If you don’t have that warp drive back on line in three minutes, we’re all dead!”
Suddenly there’s an explosion. When the dust clears, Kirk pulls a stingray out of his chest and looks around. “What happened to all the not.a.lions?”
“Just before they went into warp, I beamed the whole kit and kaboodle into their engine room, where they’ll be no tribble at all.” explains Scott
Quadrotriticale!
I loved it every time Chekov said that word.
Gosh…Trek and Ghostbusters in the same day….my cup runneth over…
*wipes a tear from her eye*
Ok CapnMac I need your contracting expertise for a jurry-rigging project I’ve got.
I need to find something that’s cheap, round, around 8-10″ in diameter, sturdy, and weather proof to act as a framework for a home-made version of one of those upside down tomato planters. I’ve got just about everything else picked out, I just can’t think of anything I can use to suspend the soil filled bag.
I’d use a slice of 8″ plumbing pipe if it wasn’t so expensive.
I’m at a loss.
The rest of the bag consists of old Tarp that has been cut, resewn, and resealed to make the bag, a 4″ automotive hose clamp to hold the bottom of the bag closed and add stability to the plant, and a few hunks of paper towel to keep the plant in place.
I’ve got everything but a method of suspending the friggin thing. In stores these bags are $15, so far I’ve spent $1.25 on this one. Ideally I’d like to keep total cost under $5. Thus far I’ve considered and rejected (for various reasons): PVC pipe, copper pipe, a large automotive hose clamp, wood, and just hooking rope to the tarp. I also considered using a ring cut off a 5 gallon bucket, but have no source of inexpensive/free buckets (that I know of).
Take ye hence to the Hardware store, and seek the cart/wagon wheels.
Select the size/price that suits, then over to the bolts department, and find an eyebolt about 6″ long.
With that in hand, get 4 nuts matched to the thread of the eyebolt. A pair of fender washers might be in order, too.
Rolla pair of the nuts most of the way up the eyebolt. Add washer. Add wheel. Washer, then last pair of nuts. Crank one nut against the other to lock. Tighten the upper nuts down on the wheel. Voilà.
Solid rubber tire will take stout staples or wood screws to fasten the bag to it.
Any of that help?
Holy crap man, I think that’s exactly what I need. I never considered using a wheel. I might even be able to find an old wagon at all the rummage sales that have been plaguing my fair* city.
Thank you sir.
*Milwaukee may not actually be fair.
Check Craigslist – there often is all kinds of strange stuff on there. Suggest you look under “round things – not.a.ball”, “winter-dragin”, or “mist conecxtuns”.
Well, round objects are already that way.
Unless a person has a bent to craft, and wants to create round from not-round, that’s different.
Garage-sale plastic cutting boards can be set on circle-cutting jig for one’s router and made circular (and with a bonus of a centered spot to set an eyescrew or eyebolt).
But, one is left with needing a way to attach the bag neatly.
One also has to want to play with the router and its associated mess, too.
Now, if one was committed to concrete, go to the dollar store first and get some knock-off “frisbees”-already round, cheap, plastic allows for setting hook or eyes before making rigid with concrete.
Should you want to, a trip to a scrap yard might yeild up a drain grating, which have a number of uses, but might be adaptable to this use.
A drain grating might actually work out well now that you mention it. It’ll have all the holes I need to let water in (I may have to seal it with something to prevent iron poising the plant) and I could probably hold the tarp on with some small bolts and oversized washers driven through some of the grate holes.
Maybe I should just take a stroll over to the scrap yard and ask “What do you have that’s round?”
Have you thought about just reinforcing the top, setting in some grommets, and using a sturdy rope as a drawstring? You would just need to stick something in the center, like a piece of PVC pipe, so you could water it.
I had considered 50% of that, but had disgarded it because the top wouldn’t stay open with just grommets. Thanks SJ, now I feel dumb for not thinking “I could just prop the top open with a stick!”
I may just do that now. Yes, Taco needs more coffee when he’s working on home projects.
Thany you SJ, I think you just saved me 5 bucks and an hour driving around town looking for round things.
Now you can stop obsessively thinking about round things and go back to obsessively thinking about other things.
Yeah, this project was cutting into my stalking time. *whew* glad I got that sorted.
If you need me SJ, I’ll be behind your bushes.
That sounds…wrong.
Yes. Thankfully, my new Gravatar could potentially distract you from that thought by deign of the scary clown-villain with a meat cleaver.*
*This may or may not be shameless self-promotion.
You didn’t ask everyone to contribute, but I’m curious as to why the wood doesn’t work. You could cut a ring out of a piece of plywood with your sabersaw. The other oddball idea I had would be to mold a ring out of some portland cement if you have a bag lying around. You could reinforce it with metal, or not, and you could insert screweyes in it.
No worries about the contribution. I just noticed capn was actively posting and figured his hardware store knowledge would be the fast lane to completing my project.
The problem with using wood is that in order to make the planter “outdoor compatible” I would need to use something treated. Once you get into treated woods the price starts to go up rather quickly in these parts.
Crap grade Plywood on the other hand would be cheap, but if I were to make a ring out of it, I doubt it would retain enough of it’s strength when wet to actually hold up about 20 pounds of tomato plant, water, and soil.
Again, wood was considered but I threw it out for a combination of too high a cost, too weak in construction, or not water durable enough to be considered “weather proof”.
The cement idea is inventive and may work for a Mk. 2 prototype, but sadly I do not have any in my shop right now.
Stea (oops) “borrow” some tires from a fork-truck – same idea as Capn, but cheaper (barring getting caught during the “borrowing” phase).
Or, do as my brother-in-law has done: Use buckets from kitty litter, cut small hole in bottom of bucket and insert plant through hole, roots up. Place soil in bucket and hang bucket by handle. Viola* – well hung tomato plant!
* Tribute to Dudley Do-Right, ‘ “Viola”, he said, but the Captain knew what he meant…’
Sadly, I do not have a cat, otherwise that would have been a great solution for me.
I tried using the buckets from 5 quart icecream pails earlier in the year, but the first rain we got the handle broke and crushed the tomato plant under a falling bucket of dirt.
/corey] The topsy turvy uses a piece of round foam to hold the plant at the bottom and prevent the soil from getting out. [/corey
Good luck with the growing, though. Here in hotter than hell Louisiana, our plants are growing tall and green but dropping the buds. Then again, I wasn’t the one that picked the wrong type of fertilized soil nor a variety of tomatoes that don’t like the intense heat. Next year, I’m in charge. 🙂
OK! EVERYBODY! who has cats – Send Taco all of your empty kitty litter containers!
Taco, please post your mailing address here on YSaC so we can all “help you out”. You know you can trust us….
*scampers to corner, laughing giddily (and evilly)*
In my design I’ve replaced the foam disk with twisted paper towels. I’m hoping that the paper towels will hold long enough for the roots of the tomato plant to form a mesh and hold the soil. This has the added benefit of being (somewhat) biodegradable and easily replaced for use the next year.
I’ve already got a fair number of tomatos and peppers in the ground and in pots. They seem to be doing fairly well, but they haven’t liked the cloudy/rainy/dreary weather we’ve been having the last week. Earlier in May we had a spontaneous heat wave of 90s and I lost about half my totato plants because they were in a miniture green house. The peppers on the other hand loved it. There is already several pepper pods growing because of that early heat wave.
But… I have this huge southern exposure eve on my garage and no tomato plants are hanging from it. This has to be stopped.
Kat litter buckets better than getting excess drywall compound (aka “mud” in the trade) from a drywall contractor (they wind up with hundreds) for not having dried compound in them (both hard to work with and potentially under-friendly to ‘maters).
Ah!Ha! Go round to the ice cream joint. Sample some wares. Ask if manager around. If so, ask if you can take some of their buckets. These will be food-frade and had only food products in them. Second choice is a burger joint, the 5 gallon McD’s pickle buckets last and last and last (they were a pleasant kermit green, too).
Lastly, wander to the garden center (true nursery better), they will have potting buckets gallore, and in various sizes. Only downside is that they may insist on you carrying eleventy dozen away at a time. (for which there is a spiffy “cure” but not germane here). Downside to landscape pots is that they are not really built to last, nor with a convenient bail handle attached.
A supply of 5 gallon buckes from pickles would do the trick nicely! Do most burger joints actually use these buckets?
I always find myself saying, “Damn, if only I had a 5 gallon bucket (55 gallon drum), but I really don’t want to have to spend 3 bucks at Home Depot.” If there is indeed a free supply of these buckets at McDonalds, then I may finally have a reason to go there.
Yep, many condiments come in buckets. Chopped onions, pickles and the like (‘maters on trays, and lettuce leafed out). All of which helps reduce the number of lost-time accidents in the back, along with giving “product consistency” across the stores.
“Free” could be trickier. You might have to order some product to have a reason to gab with the manager.
Might could order something sans ‘maters and if management is nearby remark that you are beginning to have enough ‘maters at home, but would have more if only a bucket were handy. Smart manager will pay attention. Otherwise, what you need is a nearby gamer who is employed at one of these places. One rapport leading to another as it were.
Or, to twist the OT around, some of the better managers are Noon Lions, which is a handy way to meet those worthies without camera crews being devoured.
(Oh, and usual rates apply for custom contracting services like this :-{D
(Oh, and usual rates apply for custom contracting services like this :-{D
*Sigh* I forgot about the fees. All right, which do you want this time, the scented or the unscented misjay?
Hey, no offering misjay as remuneration across state lines.
You really want me to call the WI MiB office?
If you have a fairly strong stomach, you could just check the dumpsters out back. Most restaurants, not just McD’s, order their stuff in 1, 5, and 10 pound buckets.
Fine, fine. I’ll pay in vintage cereal. No need to get the authorities involved. Heck, I’ll even throw in a free red table for a couple extra bucks.
SJ: Is it not considered at least impolite to dumpster dive without permission? Granted if I had permission my stomach is pretty strong and my need of buckets even stronger (See dog poo conversation from yesterday).
Before my multitude of cats and their near-endless supply of litter buckets, I had no problem fishing the odd one out of the trash without permission without any hassles. Most of the time if they are just sitting there I would have no problem taking them (This is garbage after all) but if you have any qualms you could knock on the kitchen door and ask. The worse that could happen is that they would give you an odd look and say no.
Dang it, just as I had the taco in my impoverished grasp.
And the power goes out for 31 minutes.
Got to talk to my neighbors for 3/4 of an hour, though.
But, dang it, now I have to find other honest work to pay for my afternoon.
Was hoping to earn enough for bacon bits for the ramen . . . [sigh]
Holy Cow.
:-{D
It’s a smiley with a mustache!
That’s amazing.
Resetting too many clocks after power outage and no meat for supper too close to busted “smiley”:
:-{|
Snerdley Smiley:
}:-{/
Today’s Choice for You Don’t Suck Boxdom: Bacontini! Hope someday your cock comes back to you. I’ll punch you later. 8)
In case you missed it:
Bacontini:
Ahh yes, Bacontini now remember his cock. He miss dat cock so much now dat it’s gone. He used to play wit his cock all de time, it would sing to Bacontini in de morning to wake him up, and every day before bed Bacontini would kiss it goodnight.
So sad now dat Bacontini have no cock.
What? Why everyone laugh at Bacontini?
Adores: 27
Bacontini so happy! He promise himself he not cry when he finally get da box.
*Eyes tear up*
Dis moment, it is almost as lovely as de ladies here.
Even better, Bacontini: when you have your cock AND will be in “da box.”
*sets bleach to boil*
*gets coat*
Boiling Bleach? Bacontini once star in a movie with Boiling Bleach. Bacontini was in college and needed some money, and this studio called Rule 34 Productions said dey needed Bacontini’s meat for dis show dey were making…
Tings not go so hot after dat.
Okay, Bacontini, here it comes! (so to speak) Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Omaha!
WOOOOHOOOO! That was my submission!!!!! I would like to thank all the little people that made this possible… my 4 year old daughter… my cat… and Papa Smurf!
Wow, may I have your autograph? I’ve never known anyone whose ad was accepted by the Web Bosses! *awestruck glints in wide eyes*