YSaC, Vol. 679: Utah Steph! U-U-U-Utah Steph!
Steve sent this ad in a long time ago, and it somehow got lost in my archives. I came across it today and decided that I had to post it, pretty much word for word what he sent in! So here it is:
I am sending a job posting from Amazon.com’s Mechanical Turk website. The way it works is you accept short tasks that pay 20 cents to a couple dollars. Someone posted this today:
Call and serenade
Call my friend and serenade her with a nice song that compliments her.
Here are some attributes to use in your song:
- Brown eyes
- Short, brown hair
- From Utah
- Smart, nice
- Pretty
- Likes designing stuff
Her number is 979 xxx xxxx, and her name is Steph
This job was remarkable because even the most well-intentioned person could easily sound like a scary stalker.
“Hello?”
*musical riff* “Steph! You are from Utah / But your area code is from Texas / You are smart and nice / And make great designs / And have brown hair and brown eyes.”
“Who is this?”
“A dude from the internet”
*click*
As my female roommate put it, “You do not impress your friend/romantic interest by making her think that random guys on the internet are stalking her.” Good advice.
-Steve Bush (plus Jacq and Lynsey)
Thanks, Steve (plus Jacq and Lynsey)!
I’m calling to tell you, Steph,
Your guy might be tone deaf.
He posted an ad
That made me feel sad,
You’re better off single, dear Steph.
Let me tell you the story of Taco
Who loved to sing with staccato
He always would stalk
People on his block
But now sings through their window.
Oh SJ you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind.
Hey SJ *Clap Clap Clap*
Hey SJ *Clap Clap Clap*
Oh SJ you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind.
Wohoo. Now I can musically stalk people!
*sigh*
At least it wasn’t that Hall and Oates song. Every tone-deaf boyfriend I’ve ever had has thought it would be “cute” to sing that to me.
For the record – If you are dating someone who’s name is featured prominently in a hit song, chances are they’ve heard it before.
maneater?
😉
Watch out boys, sarajean will chew you up. Ohhhh there she goes…
I don’t care what Facebook says, I only bit that one guy and he deserved it. I barely even broke the skin.
Oh, it’s a song?
Never mind then.
That “Sara” song by “Starship” was pretty bad, too. In fact, it might be worse.
All right, ‘8os fans, which is worse?
Discuss.
Guh. That one has shown up a few times as well. Most don’t want to hear it, much less sing it, though.
It’s like being trapped on the “It’s a Small World” ride, but instead of that annoyingly treacley song, they keep singing your name over and over.
And over.
*shudders*
Ooh Hall and Oates wins that one, by a smidge.
I feel your pain SJ. I got stuck with Boston’s “Amanda” or “Mandy” by Barry Manilow. Nevermind the fact that I hate being called Mandy. Two epically sucktacular songs.
Sara, Sara,
Snark is brewing in your brain
Sara, Sara,
No poster is safe from your disdain
My mom’s had to endure decades of “Barbara Ann” jokes. She insists the song should be called “Bobber Ann” and changes the station if it comes on the radio.
Would you have perferred Witchy Woman? Devil in a Blue Dress?
I like Witch-ay Woman.
I was actually named after a song. “Windy” by The Association (1967)
The lyrics are:
Who’s peekin’ out from under a stairway
Calling a name that’s lighter than air
Who’s bending down to give me a rainbow
Everyone knows it’s Windy
Who’s tripping down the streets of the city
Smilin’ at everybody she sees
Who’s reachin’ out to capture a moment
Everyone knows it’s Windy
And Windy has stor-my eyes
That flash at the sound of lies
And Windy has wings to fly
Above the clouds (above the clouds)
Above the clouds (above the clouds)
And then it repeats. UGH.
I’ve always hated it. And my name. I’ve considered changing to my middle name, but it would just be too confusing for friends from all around the country (and world, at the moment. COOL!)
Thanks for the ear worm.
🙂
I LOVE that song, Wendy. But then again, it’s not my name.
My cousin was named after a Biblical word…Serah. Until she was in her twenties, I had NEVER thought of the song…then someone sang it in front of her. It didn’t hit me till that very moment. You know, “que, sera, sera”
My half sister has THREE songs with her name in it (Alison). And I have a feeling there’s got to be at least one song with my sisters name in it (Lauren)
Me? Not one. Not ONE. But then again, what rhymes with Meredith?
Cherry pith?
“Oh mah darlin’, oh mah darlin’, oh mah daaaaarlin, Meredith,
Thou’rt lost and gone forever, wish I’d ate that cherry pith”
No?
Would that be a red helmet? And is it related to a red table?
Sorry, but I’ve always loved that song. Gave you an adore for it, hope that makes up for a lifetime. 🙂
My cousin was supposedly named after the Crosby, Stills & Nash song Guinevere, but I guess my uncle was high at the time (no!) because Wikipedia says it’s actually a Donovan song.
I was apparently named after a character in “Rio Grande” — according to my mom, my dad picked Kathleen because it was “probably Maureen O’Hara’s name is some movie” and that’s the only one that matches according to IMDB.
Frankly I like the song idea better.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the Windy in question was a male drug dealer. When they say tripping, they don’t mean he’s a klutz. 🙂
My folks named me for a beautiful song featured in a classic silent film which not one of my boyfriends or husbands had ever heard. Is that a win or a loss? Up for debate.
I think that’s a win. You can enjoy the song still because it hasn’t been driven into your skull like a railroad spike.
Indeed, SJ, except I’ve never heard it on radio (or television, for that matter, and that includes Mitch Miller or Lawrence Welk). Not a lot of call for songs from old silent flicks. Perhaps I should attempt a trend, or maybe a movement.
Oh…oops. That was yesterday’s post, wasn’t it.
Edit: Just reread my comments about Miller and Welk and realized that could date me. FYI, I was a child, people, a very young CHILD!
Even though it’s better than anything else (to me) so far, I remain grateful that my actual given name IRL is not the Kinks’ song.
… Instead, it’s a late-’80s filmic synonym for “megabitch.”
Destroyer?
“Joan Collins”?
“That Role Glenn Close Played In Fatal Attraction”?
(That must be tough to fit on your business cards)
‘Mommy Dearest’
No, to all, fortunately, but I’m highly amused by “Joan Collins.”
I know… Sigourney. Molly? Meredith!
Eh… whatever, pass the flask will ya?
HAHAHAHHAHAAAA. LimeLolly, you’ve also noticed the strange trend to name cold, evil bitches “Meredith” in movies, have you???
Oh, and they are usually blond and rich, too. Unlike real life, where I have met not a single rich Meredith, and only one blond. Seriously, they’ve almost all been brunettes, and every single one has been artistic in some strong fashion. Singers, actors, painters, ect. Maybe there is something to a name.
I hope so, because I still fully plan on naming my hypothetical child the name I’ve been holding on to my entire life….Princess Leigh.
Dear Meredith, you might do this putative child a great favor by using the spelling “Leia” if only so that it would better fir on those boxes upon standardized forms one is compelled to fill in.
Mind you, the subtle thing would be to give this daughter the middle name of “NMI”.
KYouell–
CSN&Y have a song “Guinnevere”. The only reason I know this is because they played it at Woodstock, and I listened to that album ad nauseum during my post-pubescent pre-punk neo-hippy phase. I am now a well-adjusted former pre-Hot Topic goth chick.
😀
Ah, so my uncle spelled it like the Donovan song so that someday I would google it wrong. Durn it. Thanks!
What better way to impress a girl than publishing her phone number on the web for all the world to see. Maybe Tommy Tutone can make a big comeback writing a song about Steph.
*walks away muttering “867-5309″*
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring stalker phone!
Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding stalker phone!
I’ve got this feeling, it’s not appealing,
For random guys to call Steph up and Sing!
Sing!
Don’t need quarters, don’t need dimes,
to stalk an obsession of mine!
Don’t need computer or dark alleys,
to have a real good time!
I’ll call from Utah. Follow her with a bat.
I’ll call this stranger, how ’bout that!
I’ll call this Stephanie, in fact I think I’ll sing!
-sing-sing-sing!
Stephie, Stephie, I had to call you,
Your boyfriend paid me so I can stalk you,
He put your number right there on craigslist,
He thinks you’d like it, and you won’t get pissed.
Stephie, I’ve got your number,
You’ve got brown eyes and hair,
You’re a designer from Utah,
What are the cops doing at my door?
*”Hey, really, I was hired to do this, she’s supposed to like it….”
Ah! A friend of mine found an awesome cover of that song on teh interwebs, and decided I’d like it (who doesn’t love songs about themselves?) but instead of, you know, linketylinking it to my StalkerBook or emailing it to me, she called my cellphone and left it as a voicemail. Three times. At 4am.
I was mildly terrified, especially as my brick-like cell didn’t tell you who the missed calls were from, only that you had voicemails…
Topper in red is dancing wit Bacontini,
6 sides to grease,
Dere nobody here, is just you and de Bacontini,
Is where he wanna be,
But he hardly know dis table by his side,
He never forget, de number of sides you have tonight.
Oh Baconie, you’re so romantic!
Let’s put the bar stools to bed early tonight ♥
Get a lounge you two!
I just want to tell you both good luck. We’re all counting on you.
Thank you, Shirley.
*swoon*
If I were single that might win me over…if not for that policy about not dating meat-flavored cocktails.
I’m guessing coffee shop guy has had no luck in getting a response to his frighteningly specific requests, and has now changed tactics.
No, this Sparky actually knows “his” Steph, even to knowing her address.
He may still want her to revert him, but that is not an issue addressed in the ad.
Accost and serenade
Accost my friend and serenade her with a nice song that reverts her.
Here are some attributes to use in your song:
* Avoids my eyes
* Black Louis Vuitton handbag
* Drives by Starbucks
* Charming, Elegant, Classy
* Hair with middle parting
* Mazda 626 by the Traffic lights
Her license plate is 575 JHC, and her name is gorgeous Asian Lady
JHC? Jesus H. Christ?
That’s probably what Ms Asian Lady was thinking right before the ether took hold.
His new tactic is to have somebody else serenade his woman while he surreptitiously slips a misjay into her drink?
I dunno, I think he’d be better off slipping her a ROOFIE ROOFIE ROOFIE ROOFIE ROOFIE ROOFIE ROOFIE ROOFIE!
Gee… so many trite adjectives… so little time.
My brown eyed nice girl,
You my brown eyed smart girl.
Do you remember when we used to sing,
Sha la la la la la la la la la la te da
in Utah?
I stalked you just the other day,
My how you have grown (but your hair is still short),
Behind the stadium with you
Spraying graffiti designs
In the misty morning fog
Laughing and a running, my pretty
Why has your number been disconnected?
-apologies to Van Morrison for the creep factor spin
I’m glad I’m not the only one who went there.
I read this and thought, “Hmm, she’s got brown eyes and she’s a girl… Didn’t Van Morrison already take care of this?”
I bet she likes gravy too.
But does she have an electric grave bowel to put it in?
Speaking of the electric grave bowel, I emailed the ad to Mr. Eyebrows at work last night, and his request was that I buy it as quickly as possible. Umm…hmm…ok…yes dear…sure thing…I’ll get right on that.
(Note to self: Do NOT put Mr. Eyebrows in charge of Thanksgiving this year.)
Don’t show him the nacho cheese fountian, he might get ideas. I’m pretty sure it could be used to serve gravy.
Getting other people to do your stalking for you?
That’s just plain lazy.
What’s next, “Rent-a-vandal”?
Ha!
I am the “female roomate” from the post (and as mentioned we sent this in last June and completely forgot about it until it showed up today).
When we first saw the ad we figured at best he was a well intentioned guy (if not unintentionally creepy and COMPLETELY clueless: you’ve gotta love that “Steph’s” number was listed in the ad) who thought this was actually a cute and inventive way to get noticed.
At worst we figured exactly what you said: how lazy do you have to be to commit to stalking someone and then enlist some random to do it for you!
Pfft, only a couple of dollars at most for payment? And they think you’re going to bother to compose a whole song?
* * *
*phone rings*
“Hello?”
“Hello, is this Steph?”
“Yes, who is this?”
“Steph, I’ve got a special dedication for you, by internet request.”
*opening bars of Van Morrison’s “Brown-Eyed Girl”*
I mean, really – any more effort than that is going to cost you, dude!
Later Edit: Dang, Mudsy beat me to it!
Aawww…I hate it when we cross the streams Venkman!
If somebody asks if you’re a God, you say YES.
Oh that’s a “given”. I think I’m going to have that etched into my grave-bowel-stone*.
*hopefully not by someone with dyslexia:
If somebody asks if you’re a Dog, you say YES
You mean I’m not?
My grave stone:
“He tried to go for the shotgun but those damn zomb
I want the following written in very tiny letters at the very bottom so you have to get very close to the stone;
“You know you’re standing on my face right now, right?”
I want a statement that is extremely vague, and could mean anything, such as “Yes, he did that, too.” Then, under it, in italics, I want written, “The ambiguity’s killing you, isn’t it?”
How about a grave that just says:
Perhaps?
And under it a carving of a palm tree with a coconut falling out of it.
Wilson?
Shotgun? Have you forgotten that zombies are easily frightened away with flashlights if they bother you?
For bonus points, Astrognash, have them written in Latin.
I can’t decide if I prefer your lazy approach or Mudsy’s rewording approach…but yes, I, too, thought of Brown Eyed Girl. Might be because I have brown eyes…
Well, is not the only thing creepier than soliciting internet crooners would be when they started making payment requests?
Bad enough when the MovieTone guy leaves that message on Sparky’s phone. Or Michael Buffer, for that matter. But, what about if the caller sounds like Joan Rivers? Or the Moonite, Er?
These things could go far awry, too.
Übernerd crossed with Comicbook Guy, “Hello. I set up a command dialer, then created a midi of every song phrase containing ‘Steph’ and set it to dial automatically. It has now run 252,371 times. Please remit $63,092.75 at once.”
That was the funniest thing I didn’t understand.
*points*
I got that and that, but that I am still trying to translate.
Reading the Cap’s posts has inspired me to reread “Dr. Sax” without chemical enhancement.
Cap’n, I’ll pay you twenty cents to read “Dr. Sax” to me.
CapnMac, you now have a somewhat anonymous not so secret admirer!
(and it bothers me somewhat that your posts make sense to me…)
Fear not, Wendy. There are others who speak Capn, too.
Oh, RFD! Thank you so much for the confirmation! I’m not alone! Whee!
“Yes, Officer, Sarajean just kept muttering ‘Moonite, Er?’ over and over and that was when her brain sploded. And I just bought this dress, too!”
“That’s when I realized that the top of her skull was just the perfect shape and well… I needed a bowl. She wasn’t using it anymore anyway so I figured, well you know… score… bowl. Cheerios?”
A little Brain brand bleach should take that right out!
Just make sure you don’t boil it too long.
Figures I end up with cereal in my cranium.
Ooo!
BandCereal name – Cranium Cereal! “If you’re smart, you won’t eat it!”I’d totally eat Cranium Cereal!
Wait a second…
For you Taco, the ad reads: “If your smart, you want to eat it!”
Woohoo! Whose gonna argue with THAT kind of logic?”
O glic! Yes, because nothing could possibly go wrong….
Then there’s the rival brand, Cranios. “Meh. It’s cheaper.”
CapnMac: How about singing the songs in a Tiny Tim voice (you Tip Toe Through the Tulips)?
Oh no, I’m showing my age again.
Never could jot a Tiny Tim voice; and the only thing worse than my voice would be my ukelele playing.
Moonites are an “Aqua Teem Hunger Force” reference
(ok, only slightly weird that I have a reference y’all don’t).
Command dialer is a program that can be given a phone number or range of phone numbers, which are then dialed serially, and some action taken if the phone at the other end is picked up.
So our putative enterprising nerd downloads a sample of all songs with “steph” in them and assembles that as a midi file.
Our nerd than puts steph’s number in the dialer and sets the repeat for, oh, 100,000.
Dialler then rings Steph’s number, waits about 1500-1750 milliseconds, tests for picked up, then plays the midi file. It increments a counter by one when it does.
Then repeats.
Our nerd then duns the poster for the 20-25¢ per “hit” thus recorded.
This is how spam and telemarketing work, only those pay about 0.02¢ each.
Christina: “Dr. Sax.” Pleas remit 20¢US as soon as possible.
Might be others out there, kind of nice when they answer back, though.
Oh crap, the capn just made total sense to me. I think I might have overdone the meds today.
No, he made sense to me too. But, I have a question.
Since when can midi files use vocal elements that form actual words?
Get the right midi recorder, and it’s just a file format. With the handy feature of being executable with the right software.
Been battering about a labor-saving scheme for places that need to give the same message to a definable list/group of people, without having to call each one up individually (or, to use a bulk dialer to call them 10 at a time, and give the message to whoever picks up first).
Use sql or similar database search tool to cull the lists for you, and you also get to save money by not needing an employee of verified trust to handle confidential files (or not violate HIPAA, or EEO, or the like).
I just need to come up with an aswer before the esspressoheads in Redmond toss one out there with all the utility of a collander as a bailing bucket . . .
I wonder if he’d be interested in haiku:
Steph is from Utah,
Designer, brown hair and eyes,
Pretty, smart, and nice.
Utah Steph is nice
Smart, pretty, and brown eyed too
King of all Cosmos
Steph, brown eyes and hair,
Pretty much designed Utah,
Which is smart and nice.
Steph, the Utahite,
Brown eyed and haired designer,
She’s smart and nice. Duck.
Refrigerator.
I see your refrigerator and raise you a dishwasher…..
I frezzer your appliances!
How sad would it be if Steph was the one who placed the ad?
I would never want to reach the level of loneliness required to invent a fictional friend to pay internet strangers to serenade me.
Oh it’s on YSaC, your hair is brown
Your eyes are
hazelbrown andsoftshort as clouds….You like to design stuff when there’s no one else around
I think I’m turning Utah-ese, I think I’m turning Utah-ese, I really think so.
Woo! The Vapors, ftw!
I have this on my iPod, along with “867-5309/Jenny.” If any more of my playlist shows up on here today, I’m going to
freak outknow I am among my people.I’d show you my playlist, but it’s composed mostly of Eagles, Alphaville, Men at work, Toto, and Desireless’ Voyage Voyage.
And now I have “Big in Japan” stuck in my head.
(MY other, more secret and geeky playlist is composed of the sound tracks from Crono Trigger, Crono Cross, Terranigma, Ar Tonelico, and FF6. And the Minibosses.)
I love 80’s music so much.
I have a big stack of CDs of it.
(including toto’s greatest hits, haha)
What? You don’t have “Brown Eyed Girl” on there as well?
She has some stuff designed just right
The telephone keeps ringing off the hook but she’s still stalling
I’m calling her 12:30 tonight
The caller ID tells her that she doesn’t know who’s calling.
She finally grabbed the phone and heard,
Some tone deaf noodling of lyrics without coherent melodies
She listened without a word, Hello Steph, I just started stalking you!
CHORUS (Which I’ve left largely intact because it’s now horribly creepy):
It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Utah
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had
Wow, Toto? Really?
And, here I thought I was the only one.
(Scary, still to this day, saw them live in wonderful G.Rollie White Collisum.)
You are among your people, Capn.
Counting Crows, Jimmy Buffett, Billy Holiday, John Mellencamp, K.D. Lang, Bach, Berlioz, Janice Joplin, Tommy Dorsey, Cream, Rev. Peyton’s Big Damn Band, and more….
Let’s see…Ben Folds (with and without Five), Guster, Tori Amos, The Beatles, Jay-Z, Kanye West, Mozart, Ben Folds, Marillion, Barenaked Ladies, Alice in Chains, Queen, Ben Folds and…oh, did I mention Ben Folds?
Why, I do buhleeve I’ve got a case of thuh Vahpuhs!*
*Yes, I am from Alabama, why do you ask?
Hm. My iPod has mostly Beatles. And stuff that is soundtrack/symphonic stuff (“Main Titles from Jurassic Park [John Williams]”, “Into the Storm [Robert W. Smith]”, eetsee).
Let’s see…
Abney Park, the Dr Horrible soundtrack, Norah Jones, the Juno soundtrack, Willie Nelson, and then it just sort of rambles into individual songs I like. I haven’t gotten around to putting my Everclear and Beatles stuff on it yet.
I’ve been stuck on The White Stripes. Nothing but Jack and Meg every day.
Speaking of Willie, did I just hear on the news today that he chopped off his braids?
*Google pause*
AHHH!
I think that’s one of the signs of the Apocalypse.
It’s a trap!*
*I can tell I’m home sick because all my posts are YSaC meme cliches. Oddly enough, no one has gone corey on us yet.
You are among your people, Capn.
Was easy to tell, earlier toady, since we were all in dazzling CNT Whites in the sunshine.
Around here? I get that; just scary how young
youthey are here is all–can be daunting at times.Can’t be any worse than the youngster in line at the bar, who was digging “Hotel California” playing. Mentioned that I remembere when the album came out. So had he. Execpt I was remembering the original release in 1977.
Oh guys, I’ve got you all beat. My Ipod has ALL of the lovely things you have mentioned, but the thing it chooses first when I set it to “shuffle”?
“X GONNA GIVE IT TO ‘EM, HE GONNA GIVE IT TO ‘EM…”
Well, you get the idea.
Yep, all the musical variety on my ‘pod, and it chooses DMX…every. single. time.
My Ipod likes dangerous men.
I’ve got mostly weird love songs from when I was growing up (70s) like Wedding Bell Blues & More Today Than Yesterday (Spiral Starecase) — buncha stuff leftover from the 3 wedding playlists I made. Mostly I listen to Ella and Dino, but lately I’ve been all about The Kevin Pollak Chat Show podcasts.
Maybe this is why I just come read the snark? I fit in as audience? No! The toddlers stole my stark, darn them. They seem to have taken adverbs out of my spoken vocabulary, so maybe they stashed the snark with them.
As you may guess from the disturbing variety of musical referents in the post titles, drmk and I have something on the order of 1500 albums between us, with a truly frightening variety of styles.
Damn, I missed a good snark day yesterday while picking up parents at the airport/drinking/getting my T-shirt signed by fellow graduates. Now, off to read the snark for today.
I watch your windowed self untamed and untrained
Dreaming about all your days truest faults
In the bushes of Utah my drowsy spirit shall fall
Boldly watching the girl named Steph who has my heart
I have offended your faith and your trust
Until all is lost into the stalking of the day
Until all is lost
Until all is lost…
And there’s something in the way you laugh
That makes me follow you around
Aspects of life they confuse me
You and your three cats amuse me
After an afternoon watching you
And your rich brown eyes
Your lips and dark hair
Elbows and exposed knees tossing toward your ceiling
After a stalking…
Phone to palm
Ear to ear and
Mouth to tongue
Heart to ground
Heart to ground
Heart to ground
I am in lust….*
*My dear Jason Mraz…I am so, so, so, SO sorry.
Mr. A to Z for the win!
This idea has many possibilities…
Call and rant
Call my boss and berate him with an obscene rant that eviscerates him.
Here are some attributes to use in your rant:
* Shifty eyes
* Short, no hair
* From outer space, apparently
* Stupid, mean
* Petty
* Likes denigrating staff
His number is 979 xxx xxxx, and his name is Dumbass
I thought his name was Overpaid.
+elebenty!!!+!
My boss shares a name with a vacuum cleaner company. It is the source of much hilarity when he is out of the room.
Is he “one tough creampuff,” too?
I can neither comfirm nor deny that. The fact that my head is bobbing up and down in an affirmative manner is just a coincidence.
I’ve got a good friend with the same name.
He actually spent a few weeks one summer working for said company as a vacuum salesman – the recruiters were convinced he was “born for the job.” It was, apparently, an atrocious job.
On the plus side, he did convince the folks at a local GameStop or something like that to give him the promotional giant pink thing from one of the iterations of the game. So, y’know, pluses and minuses.
Is his name “Air”? Because when Air is out of the room, it’s called a vacuum.
Maybe his name is Dirk Devil.
First name Wind
Last name Bag
Electrolux? Bissel? Sanyo?
Off topic, but I thought I’d point your attention this way. Look carefully at the first picture…. 🙂
Aww, those tigers look hot! Their stripes melted right off.
Wait a minute…
Holy Sh** – it’s a (not.a.lion)Lion!
Who’d a thunk it?!
Does (Not.A.Lion) Lion = Not.A.Tiger?
It was bound to happen one day.
I’m pretty sure you can’t multiply by Not.a.Lion – it’s like dividing by zero. Something odd will happen to the space-time continuum.
Then again, I am a complete failure at Cat Math, so don’t quote me on this.
That’s an old wives’ tale. You most certainly can divide by zero. See, I’m doing it right n
We need a new MrWhite.
I think we can save him! We just need to get the right equipment together and hope that we don’t get attacked by zomb
I’ve been needing a new one, too.
No – it’s multiplying by a Not.A.FeLion that causes that problem.
*puts magic spell on Not.A.Lion medallion (ha) so that it wards off zombies, hands it to New Taco*
Stop trying to make “zomb” happen, Taco. It’s NOT going to happen!!!
(points for whoever knows what tween movie I’m ripping off).
p.s. Does know Taco is being funny.
But, Windrose, whatever will he do about Zmobies, who will try to eat his brians?
Does it count if I used google in a mildly creative fashion to figure out that was Mean Girls? I’ve only seen it once.
Awww, but it’s so fetch, Meredith!
When I’m calling U-u-u-u-u-tah Steph,
Will she answer too-oo-oo-oo or play deaf?
Her friend made a plea, to anyone who needs twenty cents,
To ring, hum or sing, and try not to give offense.
Why give flow’rs or candy, or jewelry, or scent?
He gets strangers doing the work. What a gent!
He’ll belong to her, she’ll belong to you, and you, and you….
Whit, do you do that as a duet with Julio Iglesias?
Hey, it’s an idea. Right now Slim Whitman is the partner of choice.
Stuffy knees, stuffy knees
Stephanie has stuffy knees
With short brown hair, and big brown eyes,
She’s pretty nice, but cuts the cheese
Oh stuffy knees, oh stuffy knees
I’m begging you to pretty please
Design a Utah mountain scene,
Stephanie with stuffy knees
*not original: based on the taunt directed at my own sister with the same name.
The master would not a-approve…
OOOh, a Manos reference. As the goddess of love, I just smote myself for you!
Oooh, you’re back – I’ve missed– umm- both of you…. good to see you again.
Which two were missed, Grampdaddy?
Not referring to my lifted, peeled and bared, are you?
Dear Innana – why no, of course not – that would be just sooooo tacky. I was referring to your eyes – yeah, that’s it, your eyes. Your great big sparkling eyes, like glistening pools in the moonlight.
*slinks back into corner, glowing bright red*
Awwww, men are so cute when they try to think…
Muddy kneeees have got me all aquiiiiiiver,
Muddy kneeees have got me all aglow…
I would never say ‘that’ about my sister!
If there’s any justice in the world:
Steph: “Wow, what a lovely and warm and sensitive voice you have! And your beautiful lyrics… but, wait. How do you know so much about me?”
“Well, this guy hired me to sing to you…”
“Oh, Sparky? What a weird little creep that guy is. But you – you seem wonderful. Want to meet for a drink?”
*cue string crescendo and CGI sunset*
Or cue dramatic music and the CSI team…
Or campy music and the ’60s Batman propelling down from the ceiling…
Or not…
Okay, so less than 24 hours after having the bastid that used to be my gallbladder removed, and dammit…y’all make me laugh so hard I almost forget the pain! Well, you guys and Mr. Vicodin…God love him.
You guys are awesome…
Everything’s awesome with Mr Vicodin.
And shiny…
My wife had her Gallbladder removed about 2 month ago due to post pregnancy complications. They gave her Vicodin and Oxycodon. The most fun was when she accidently took both at once.
Me: “Uh, you do know you’re not supposed to mix those two, right?”
Wife: “Flying Pancakes!”
Me: “Ok then.”
When I was over at my sister’s house watching the girls while she and her husband were at the hospital with my nephew, my sister apparently called me at around 2AM and talked me into transferring $20 into her PayPal account so she could get gas on the way home. (If it wasn’t for the receipt I was e-mailed, I’d call her a stinkin’ liar. I don’t remember doing it.) According to what she heard over the phone, I apparently tried to stuff a twenty through the reciever first.
I guess 2AM after I’ve consumed 1600MG of Motrin and a Vicodin is the best time to ask me for a loan.
Can I borrow $100?
dern it… not 2 AM yet..
It’s not 0200.
Shoot.
Can you give me 20¢,
0200 times?
Flying Pancakes
One Show Only
Special guest:
Sparkly Waffles
I’m a little nervous here. There seems to be a whole rash (ha) of gall bladder and appendix removals. I’m going to go lie down.
Well, hurray! for being home.
Just wait, here soon, after tha laproscopic annoyances fade*, you will note a distinct lack of abdominal discomfort. Which is nearly universally reported as being like the lifting of a great weight.
So, it will be bright and shiny for you here very soon, and not just because of the effects of opiates.
________________
*Unless, by accident, they stuck a trocar through an otherwise undiscovered umbilical hernia–this can be an annoyance of great measure.
*Or reimplanted a stick up the backside .. cause that’s a tough surgery to recover from. 8)
All dorsal fixations are complicated.
Especially since few recovery beds are designed (hey, call steph and get her on the ball, huh?)
for anyting other than supine patients. And supine is the exact wrong posture after dorsal surgery.
“reimplanted a stick up the backside ” Now, Vlad, stop vamping Lolly and let her have her beverage in peace.
Stephie, Stephie, you are special,
Got brown hair that’s kinda short.
When I thinks of how smart you is,
Makes me have to laugh and snort.
Utah is the state you come from,
got some mountains and a lake –
and some plastic Porta-Potties,
watch out, that one has a snake.
Picnic tables there are all red,
you can buy one ‘cuz they’re free.
Great museums, a big Temple,
Special art that’s hard to see.
Steph, I hear you do design work,
and that you are sorta pretty.
Got your number from dumb Sparky
Which I think is real shi…..
*Bows from piano bench, apologizes to L. von Beethoven*
You need to apologize to all colleagues before and after, as well.
[Buddy the Elf] Well I’m calling youuu! And you answered! Annnnd your name is Steph and you are from Utah!!!! And I’m singing! Your hair is short and brown!!!![/Buddy the Elf]
My wife loves that movie.
Agh. It’s Will Ferrel! Whatever sha
Um. I’m glad I live in Arizona, and not Utah, or I’d be scared.
I’d serenade you now, but I ran out of funny.
Instead I give you the following:
I like cheese.
Psh. Like cheese is a real thing.
Ooooh. I like cheese too!
I don’t believe in cheese. I mean, I know it exists, I just don’t believe in the concept.
Well, in Soviet Switzerland, cheese doesn’t believe in the concept of you!
J’adore frommage
Wait, may not have spelt that right; still googling the famous Celtic cajun Fondue O’Queso
Is that because you are a “Cheese Head”?
I think that would be Taco.
Your stalker just hasn’t caught up with you yet. I’d let you borrow mine… if I had one.
“I dream of Stephie with the light brown hair..”
I can add you to my list. Thus far I’m only stalking… well… everyone on the YSaC forums. Except for Capn, because he stalks me.
Cool… my number is 555-555-5555, and I live at 123 Anywhere Ln, USA.. my real name is Jane Smith. Do you need my social and credit card number too?
Don’t forget to give him your PIN and the passwords to your accounts!
But wait until 2 am when the meds kick in.
Oooh! You mean I have a stalker now, too?
Wow. I’ve got lots of things. I wonder if a stalker will be ok with the movers, or if I’ll have to give that away on the Free area of CL’s Classifieds…
Then get a new one when I’m on the other side…
Can I move a stalker?
That’s not me.
Any signs of laser illumination are your own doing.
Wendy, the Free section of Cl is for selling.
As to movers, is this a ceramaic or a concrete stalker?
I thought Grampdaddy was your stalker, or is he just obsessed with your assplosive nature?
I’m only stalking the Texans because I’m too lazy for interstate stalking. CJ, Cap’n, penguin; I’ll see you at Starbucks.
Wait a minute, wait a minute – Who am I stalking? I get so confused when I don’t have a scorecard.
Let’s see – Taco and I are the same gender – I’m trying to cut down on that. Windrose and Lola are on opposite sides of the country, so the frequent-flier miles are good. HHNF complimented me on out-perving her one day, so that’s a positive. Aargh – so much stalking, so little time…
CJ, Cap’n, penguin; I’ll see you at Starbucks.
Shaken iced black tea, for me, when you get there.
Pen is in Austin, and I know there’s better than s’bucks to go to in Travis Co.
My dad and I would go to the le Mad that used to be a Preston & Royal in Dallas for cafè ua lait and croissant.
Ok, brain-lock, cannot recall what County CJ is in. Dang it.
My little town now has a very nice wine joint. Wednesday is Women Uncorked.
I used to live by that La Madeleine! We’ve got home grown coffee shops up here in Denton, I can stalk from one of those if you prefer. I didn’t want to stray from the stalkers field guide seeing as I’m new at this. So will you be carrying the Louis Vutton hand bag or driving the Miata?
Who is going to be stalking in the South y’all? We have them all over the rest of the USA. We pride ourselves in stalkers named Bubba, Billy Joe, Taco Magic and anyone who has a shot gun in the back of their souped up pick-up truck.
Do y’all want sweet tea, biscuits and grave, or mac & cheese (also known as a vegetable in the south).
Christinam add rfd to your list of Texans, too.
And for either Vuiton bags or Miatas, I have minions for that.
Seriously, on point today everyone. I give you all an opera clap for the delightful snark you have created here today.
I was going more for the kind of clap that Dumbledore seems to do in the movies.
Hey, apt timing.
Stopped at Fraziers today.
They have a selection of concrete Dumbledores, painted or not, from 3′ to 6′ tall, starting about $350.
But, but, they have a Moai. About 2′ tall, and only $108.
They also have a collection of Greek deity masks/medallions, upto about 3′ across.
The gargoyles looked like much more fun to lay in a body’s yard though, if steep starting around $375.
Meredith is giving us all the clap?
Wait, that didn’t come out right.
MandaB is in the box! Another exciting punch for MandaB, and another stern warning to not punch back.
Careful punching Manda, Grampdaddy might start, there in his easy chair, and that would risk spilling the precious vodka–can’t have that, now can we?
That’s OK, Capn – I’ve got one of the grand-kids ‘Tippee-Cups’ – no spill, no mess, and it makes it so much fun when the cups get mixed up.
Carry on Windrose – and give her one for me. I’m sure she deserves it for something she did when she was my child.
I hate to point out the obvious, but I am still your child. And please make sure you put water back into the sippy cup before you give it to the babby. As it is she’s just starting to walk and it already looks like she’s been into the vodka. (I now refer to her teetering method of self-propulsion as “drunk and disorderly”.)
Ok Windrose, I’m ready. Here’s my card! And I brought enough spoons and bowels for everyone! Hit me babby one more time!
But of course – you will always be my child. However, I no longer take responsibility for your proper upbringing and/or behavior – anything now is Grampmommy’s fault. (Don’t tell her I said that- ok?)
GRADUATION TOMORROW!!!!!!
That is all. Goodnight!
Hurrah! Hurrah!
=)
I love the family atmosphere on YSaC! *sniff, sniff* Whew, babby needs a new nappy! Or a grave bowel with a cord.
Punchity punch punch! And a Punch from Grampdaddy. Manda, you are on the road to winning the Second Quarter Don’t Suck Off!
And that’s it for me. G’Night, Utah!
Because nobody said it yet: I just know that something good is going to happen.
I was so delighted to the see the Utah Saints ref, and so crushed that no one else picked it up. You have made me happy again.
Now I’m going to go listen to that song.
Hooray! Someone got my ridiculously obscure reference!