YSaC, Vol. 659: He’s Gump, he’s Gump, he’s in your bed.
This one’s sorta PG-13, so click on if you dare…
Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time [Book] by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey
WaterBrook Press (2000) – Paperback – 229 pages
the challenge every man faces…the fight every man can winFrom the television to the Internet, print media to videos, men are constantly faced with the assault of sensual images. It is impossible to avoid such temptations…but, thankfully, not impossible to rise above them. Shattering the perception that men are unable to control their thought lives and roving eyes, Every Man’s Battle shares the stories of dozens who have escaped the trap of sexual immorality and presents a practical, detailed plan for any man who desires sexual purity-perfect for men who have fallen in the past, those who want to remain strong today, and all who want to overcome temptation in the future. Includes a special section for women, designed to help them understand and support the men they love. Christian
TRUTH APOSTOLIC MINISTRIES * BOOKS SALES * 60 % OFF ORIGINAL PRICE * BUILDING FUND
Key Terms
* masturbation
* marriage
* pornography
* foreplay
* sexual immorality
* Forrest Gump
* sexual addiction
* cold turkey
* Promise Keepers
* Sally Field
* sex addict
* double entendres
* Gallery magazine
* sexual bondage
* warching
* sexual purity
* wife and kids
* French kissing
* Bathsheba
* Satan
I have to confess, being a guy, that I do have lustful thoughts three, maybe four times a minute. Er, hour. Besides, that nun costume is quite llamalicious. I mean, my mind wanders, and I get so worked up I have to…
Oh, wait. I’m fine. I feel no lustful urges whatsoever. Yep. Utterly placid.
Of course, that only lasts until I log onto YSaC, and imagine drmk’s sexy, sexy voice whispering “I got a red table for sale. Take it for free!” Gawd that’s so hot. It makes me…
Huh. What do you know. I’m calm, I’m calm, I’m perfectly under control.
Nothing at all is going to ruin my Zen-like state of complete non-sexuality. Certainly not thinking about the llama-nun slowly peeling the habit back from those long fuzzy ears, taking the pins out of her mane (actually, do llamas have manes?), and shaking it out in that sexy, sexy way…
Well then. Guess I’ll go spackle the driveway or something.
Thanks for the post, Duke!
Now you’ve got me thinking about the TacoMaam. Her soft tortilla wrapped around the warm pieces of grilled steak, melty cheese, chunky salsa…
Huh… For some reason now I’m more hungry than sexually immoral…
I’m kinda hungry now, too.
Kinky.
Weird Al/Presidents of the United States FTW!
Fun fact: Those two songs, Lump and Gump, are the only case in which both the original and the parody were featured on the Dr. Demento show.
Yay Weird Al reference!
I try to listen to Canadian Idiot at least once a week. Cleanses the colon, that.
Gump lingered last in line for veins
And the one he got was sorta spotted and inflamed
*turns cold water hose on Dan, looks for TacoMagic*
Remember, this is a Family Blog! Get a room!
I’m wondering why Dan and TM need to get a room together. I mean. I. Oh. Hmmm…whatever works for them I guess.
No disrespect was meant to the Ostremu or the Llama-nun, who own the blog, and certainly can do whatever they want to with it. *rolls up hose and tries to slosh away unnoticed*
*Presents his punch card*
Twice in a row, I think Mudsy is going to have to get the flamethrower to fend off my ego now.
*starts blending up a meatshake to sooth the savage beats*
You’re beyond Salvation now Taco.
Better watch out, the villagers are sharpening up their pitchforks and igniting their tiki torches to destroy The Creature that dan and drmk hast created.
“It’s alive!”
Beyond Taco Salvation would be a great name for a band.
Crosswrd clue today was “texMex treat” but, one of the answers was “gone fission” and “out to launch” too.
“Meatshake” now sounds like a gay bar to me.
*brainbleach*
Or a prison nickname.
How’s my tubby little meatshake? Yeah, give daddy some love.
*Puts the bleach on to boil*
Does a meatshake bring all the boys to the yard too?
http://web.archive.org/web/20040825215914/meatshake.com/
What? No Pork Shake?
So dat what happen to Bacontini’s cousin. Bacontini have to catch da train now, going to visit his cousin and his wife Hamshake.
Your cousin’s a lucky guy, Bacontini. I’ve read much about the benefits of having a nice firm hamshake.
Gay sports bar: The Meat Locker
Sidebar before we move on to todays post: As you’ve probably gathered, I’m a big fan of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and there’s an episode where they work at a meatshake stand in the mall.
The name?
Slurp-A-Lunch.
The dedication page:
“To Tiger who taught me everything I needed to know about temptation, and how to
give in toavoid it.”I am puzzled that the two specific women who apparently get these authors all worked up are Bathsheba and… Sally Field? I mean, I like her, I really like her, but is she truly the top threat to men’s sexual purity?
I don’t know.. I used to have many an adolescent fantasy of the Flying Nun practicing her landings, over and over, and that I was her personal runway.
[sex addiction corey] a partial copy of “Every Man’s Battle” is available on googlebooks (it’s slow at the office today). Sally Field is in there because one of the authors got too turned on from the sex scene between Sally and Forrest’s school principal, so “Forrest Gump” is now on his list of verboten films. I couldn’t find Bathsheba in there anywhere. [end corey]
FWIW, the guys that wrote this tome are clearly three of the horniest guys you could ever find. They get worked up over ANYTHING. Not.a.Lion Woods has nothing on them. After flipping through some of this I kinda felt sorry for them.
I’m sure that tidbit is better than reading the back of the cover! Thanks for the [/corey] jg.
Now I may wake up screaming only part of the middle of the night tonight.
Ahha! The penny drops. When I was teaching high school, the kids asked if we could watch “Forrest Gump” during a post-test day. I never saw it and was OK with it, but when I asked the principal for permission to get the film, there was a firm VERBOTEN given me. Never knew the reason till now.
Innana, your sexually explicit avatar may be causing immoral thoughts amongst the menfolk (and possibly goddess folk and CJ) here. I have reported this offense to the Truth Apostolic Ministries. Expect a call from Christian any day now.
Hey, I remember a joke:
What do you get if you cross Tiger Woods with a pit bull? I don’t know, but I can’t get it off my leg!
*crickets*
I wonder…
If the horndog “authors” saw actual pornography, would all the blood to rush from their heads, causing their empty skulls to collapse or would you have to give them a little tap first?
If they are that constantly horny/easily aroused, it’s called priapism and a medical condition, dudes. If you have insurance, go see a doctor (male).
Pria-prism – a hard-edged rainbow.
I always feel like somebody’s warching me.
Tell me, is it just a dream?
When I’m in the shower
I’m afraid to wash my junk
‘Cause I might open my eyes
And find someone – Forrest Gump.
Nice Rockwell reference.
Run Forrest Run!
Why does the motorsportaniage picture look like a cross section of a male member at half staff?
Warching?
Oh look, I see the Vas Deferens toll road!
Well here’s your problem. The circulatory system in your motorcross trail is all kaddywumpus.
However, I hear that results in massive links at the sperm of the moment.
Yeah, but I think I can rise to the occasion. I’ve had some hard times before and managed to come out just fine.
229 pages – ok, that’s the big clue that this title is self-published. A typical web press that does high print runs for publishers would require this to be 224 or 240 pages. This guy? Typed it up in Word and brought it to Kinkos. On the plus side, this means no proofreader … so, drinking game! Read out loud and at every misspelling and Sally Field reference do a shot!
So Colleen, does this mean I shouldn’t be looking for an Imprimatur?
Um, wow. I don’t usually make fun of people’s religion or their choice to be celibate, but …
Sally Field?
Forrest Gump?
Gallery magazine? (they still publish? I only remember ever seeing that in friends’ dad’s stashes from the ’70s)
…
warching?!?!?!? I don’t even know what that is!* Sick!
*Yes, I do, this poor, benighted soul just can’t type.
Today’s Google: warching —- WTF!!!
Well, I noticed no one had set up an experience group for this warching thing. Maybe they need an ad on CL.
Whaddya mean, you don’t know what warching is?!
This is why the Good Lord created Wikipedia:
http://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warching
Also known as the “The Devil’s Sex Triangle of Germany”. There’s a better Devil’s Sex Triangle in Sweeden, but there’s like a two year waiting list.
The Devil’s Sex Parallelogram in Argentina is supposed to be good, but it is recommended that you stock up on antibiotics and burn ointment ahead of time.
Personally, I like the sex rhombus – it is such a smooth, delicate, stately polyhedron and the music has a special rhythm that lifts my — spirits.
en telt 150 inwoners??????
It’s official. I need this book to support the man I love!
Just answer one thing. Is “Christian” the name of Sparky, or merely a state of being?
I believe it’s an obscure cult.*
*This may or may not be accurate.
Sooo the profits are for a building fund, eh? Going to erect something, know what I mean? Say no more! Say no more!
Cryptic banner: in my upper lefthand screen corner “looking for more about 4536? Search.”
?
4536 is the WordPress page indicator for today (see the URL)… I’ve seen that box a few times now. Odd.
My ad is from Why Men Always Leave You … and how to get the ex back. After all the time and expense it took to get rid of him I’m soooooo going to click through on that one! *prefer to donate – somehow its cleaner*
P.S. Us warchers need love and attention too!
Remember, you can TOTALLY change him. He just needs to be shown that you love him and that love will change him and make him better. You just have to hang in there long enough.
This message brought to you by the Committee for Ongoing Self Delusions.
Getting your ex back doesn’t require changing him, all you need is a roll of duck tape. Maybe a little super glue.
It sounds an awful lot like you attended my lecture on that subject. Were you the one in the fron row with the hockey mask and the cat-o-ninetails?
Hey, Magic Sexy TacoMinges, I remember that lecture. I sat in the pron row. I thought I could get me some new excuses to avoid changes. Always know thy enemy I likes t’ say. Sheesh, they ALWAYS want t’ fix you, and not in a good way. You know, like, get a job, take a bath, or even *shudder* warch Oprah.
Oh,
erm,
it’s TacoMagic?
nevermind.
Hum… My ad is “Are you BI? Find out now!”
…..the woman in the ad is kinda hot…. not my (geno)type, though :-p
Hey… I have PopEater! On second thought… that’s just not right. I feel so defiled… ugh.
Dang, I must have angered the gods of advertising. I ain’t got none.
Warchers also need dryers, unless you have the ability to string a clothesline. My warcher is pretty old, but still likes a good tumble.
Well, this whole Sally and Gump thing seemed to ring a bell in my mind,
so I googled and found: The Field and Forest Handy Book!
http://www.inquiry.net/traditional/beard/ffhb/index.htm
Ye gods and little fishes! What a hotbed of sex and violence.
Chapter 1, how to make a tailless Filipino
Chapter 3, How to Poison and Mount Specimens
Chapter 6, How to Make a Swinging Nest
Chapter 9, How to Use Rod and Sling
and further chapters on throwing a squaw hitch, planting the quail, beaver huts and fagot fences, and something called a “humpdurgin”. What Field and Forest have wrought! What dark needs that must be sublimated.
I looked to see if was edited by Ed Gein or Marquis de Sade, but it’s surprisingly anonymous.
Going off to recline and apply cold compress to my head.
Making a swinging nest was taught in Home Ec in the 70’s. I were there, man!
I will NEVER find a new business name.
Just commit to something!
At least you didn’t choose Warching Sound. Although I have to admit, Cold Turkey Sound has a certain “ring” to it.
I submit for your perusal, these suggestions:
Not.A.Sound
Safe.N.Sound
Mentally Sound
Blasting Sound
Purring Sound
Abnormal Sound
Whitehall Sound
You know, after one types up sound more than once… it starts to look like it’s spelled wrong.
So do a lot of words. Like Friends. And Supercalafragalisticexpialidocious.
If I lived in Seattle, I would definitely want Puget Sound.
Double Entendre Sound rolls off the tongue. Wait…
Ok, I just rolled “double entendre sound” in my head; brain then substituded “sonde” as homophonic.
Which then created a situation where one used instruments to plumb the depths of entendre.
And that, left an image of sex-addiction curing authors gone catatonic at the use of either drop-sondes or sounding rockets in multiple entendre; O the theins one warches in their own heads (esp with Lola off on a 3-day weekend )
I would be so pissed off if I was looking for double entendres on craigslist and all I found was this ad. It is so hard to find cheap used double entendres. Oh, wait, there’s one now…
You mean like:
Stephen Afterburner, Fred Stalker and Mike Porker?
I read as Oughtaburn, Stroker, and Yankey.. put some strange thoughts in my head.
I like yours better! And as far as the thoughts, the ad itself should give you yellow-tinged 70s pron nightmares.
Isn’t that what the tomette is intended to alleviate, pron nightmares?
Hey,
2NiTe Only
at the 40WatT
Warching Sally
and
P0rn Nightmares
Capn: you mistakenly flatter this prose-dribble by referring to it as a “tomette”.
*40 lashes with a wet copy of this book* (which would probably immediately qualify it for a “key term” of its own: Soggy Book S&M)
Well, dear slicker, I hated to derogate “book” or “publication”; our supplicant Sparky clearly finds this a weighty issue, and wants CL searchers in the greatest need to have this afflicted before them. It clearly needed, nay, insisted upon, dimutation forthwith.
So, weight = tome; diminishment = ette–the catulator is in the other room lounging in the sun on a windowsill, so that canceled tuna treats; play toys, and dreams of wren and pinky mice loose in the house.
Ergo, tomette.
Which visually suggests the nightshade berry I’d vault at the this Sparky in seige-breaking volume, too.
Speaking of, wasn’t the script for AotKT 229 pages or so?
When I think of tome I think of this definition:
n.
1. One of the books in a work of several volumes.
2. A book, especially a large or scholarly one.
Ergo: Let’s just refer to it as a 229 page pulpette taken straight from the pulpit.
😉
Bwahahahaha!
Just made me think of pulpette,
Which was either going to be
a member of a religious cheer squad
some compressed vegtable leavings
what would happen to a CL-solon if in reach of the sapient
All of which make me smile
I love it in the summer when you can get fresh tomette salad. Mm, with cucumber and sour cream …
Sorry, I’m confused. Wasn’t Tomette Smurfette’s uncle on her mother’s side?
*Darn – Smurfette. Gotta go see if there’s a chapter on dealing with Smurfette lust in the book.*
How about “Sounds Like _________” and then you could do the whole charades thing. You know “Two syllables”, “First syllable”, (Signs ‘Minty’), etc….
My Warch am Rhine is making a battle of bulge for me;
but having Sgt York on in the background may be influencing me.
That, and such waves, Moiriarity, such negative waves,
are sore interfering with my quest for moderation in moderation.
Such a Friday; maybe I need fajitas
Is that a Goon Show reference?
O favored Summerian, would be a rather obtuse military reference with a rather more overt Kelly’s Heroes reference.
Rather than risk either Ishtar or Gozer, allow me to advance the following. The German name for the winter 1944 offensive was “die Wacht am Rhine” or, in the english “The Watch on (the) Rhine.” In western, especially American histories, that is known as “The Battle of the Bulge.” The confusion afterwards being part of the setting for Kelly’s Heroes.
Wow. I read it, and I understood what was said. Either you’re being less cryptic, or I’m learning to understand you.
Fajitas with mojitas to share. It’s 5 on the clock in my world (actually, it’s 4:12 PM), but I don’t care. I’m about to give in to temptation.
Ok, last night, Alton Brown devoted a Good Eats to the Bloody Mary and the Margarita. Which is thirsty-making.
I’m so keen for some fajitas right now and am presently thwarted at that task, too. Which means probably having to snatch mediocre drive-thru fajita tacos later
Oh, I almost forgot. Happy Fabulous Fajita Friday!
Or is today Los Friday de Frijoles?
I can hear Bubba from the “Forrest Gump”* reading this list. “Well there’s all kinds of temptations. There’s pornography tempts, marriage tempts, gay tempts, straight tempts, sexual bondage tempts, Sally Field tempts, Satan tempts, warching tempts…”
*No joke, my cell phone wanted to autocorrect that to Forrest Hump.
Well, Bubba will run afoul of the reality of Rule 34 and its subsets.
Is this a rule I want to avoid urbandictionarying?
Rule 34: If it exists (even in concept) there’s porn about it.
Proof of concept: There is an x-rated fan fiction staring Voldermort and Pikachu as a couple.
If you need it, there is boiling bleach available in the lobby.
Oh, that rule. I never knew it had a number.
Don’t worry. This loud man on TV sold me some “Oxi” something or other, and I wanna try it out.
AGH!!!! MY BRAIN!
**assplodes enough to make up for the days he didn’t**
Is that the sort of thing they talk about over on the Hannah Montana forums?
Astro – was that ‘Oxi-” something product “Oxy-moron? I was gonna buy some to try to clean out an old chipmunk suit I found – looks like something tasered it outside in a bush – bad stains and smelled like old tacos.
Is that the sort of thing they talk about over on the Hannah Montana forums?
It’s the kind of thing they write over on the Hanna… I mean how would I know?
**Hefts a door at Taco**
“…Minnesota airport tempts, IHOP tempts, intern tempts, cold turkey tempts, babay sitter tempts, deep fried tempts, Meatshake tempts…”
Ollie North and Contra-Temps
“. . .sheep tempts and knot-hole tempts, bugger tempts, hand-held shower tempts, airplane restroom tempts. . . ”
“…Watergate tempts, cold chicken tempts, Not.a.Lion tempts, Hollywood tempts, llamalicious tempts, Happy birthday Mr. President tempts…and I reckon that’s about all there is to say about that.”
You forgot Beatles tempts.
You know, Sexy Sadie, and that whole “I’d love to turn you on” lyric from A Day in the Life?
Dan/drmk
Resoponce time is good; no lags or skips so far.
Reply and Adores buttons working just fine.
If in an ad-less state.
Same here since the adds vanished. I guess we need to all get our pitchforks and find the add company’s office.
*Opens Google Maps*
*Passes out torches*
I couldn’t get on at all this morning. I’m all pissed now because I missed all the good snark.
*sharpens hayfork*
*trails bacon behind car to gather villagers and lead them to square for storming ad HQ*
*shouts and points at the ad agency* THERE THEY ARE!
Forrest Gump, Cold Turkey, Warching, Satan?
a.) I don’t have HIV. I’m not Jenny. I’m therefore not in the least bit turned on by Forrest Gump. At least not the character. (Left ambiguous for your enjoyment)
b.) Mmmm… Turkey. I understand the double entendre involved in stuffing delicious meats into one’s mouth, but still.
c.) Warching? Really?
d.) Most cultures I know depict Satan as rather sexually unappealing, so… oh wait, this must be the women’s section.*
*Women of YSaC, please don’t beat me up.
El Diablo is one with the ladies!
We won’t have to. One day you’ll be married… mwahahaha.
*darn…where’s my neuralizer to use on Astro?
But… I got the sledgehammer out of the shed already…
*pats Astro’s head patronizingly* (Was that worse than a punch-up?)
Well, Satan is also Lucifer, and I’ve seen plenty of images of Lucifer depicted as the kind of guy with long hair and abs you see on romance novel covers.
a quick search on deviantart brings up mostly pretty-boys http://www.deviantart.com/#order=9&q=lucifer
and a cat.
Also, new theory:
The Devil, in cat form, invented Cat Math. “Haha,” he cackled “let them try to figure that out. It will torture their souls for all eternity!”
BRILLIANT!
Howdy friends!
My name is Fred T. Stoeker.
Stoeker you say? Ihardlyknowher.
Never you mind.
I come to you today to offer relief from all your ills.
I have, in limited quantities, this elixir of Arterburn.
This elixir contains 100% natural and artificial ingredients.
Made in East Yorky and pressed with special waterbrook.
This elixir is guaranteed to cure sexual addiction, foreplay, marriage, warching, masturbation, bondage, purity, double entendres, single entendres, and yes, even triple entendres.
Dreams of Sally Field?
Stop.
Sexual immorality?
Stop.
Did I mention masturbation?
Yes, friends, this miracle elixir can be yours for the low, low price of 30 gerberts for a #2 bottle.
Step right up now and don’t crowd.
*in accordance with FDA regulations*
Side effects may include blindness, hairy palms, your face may stay that way, liver damage, kidney damage, anaphylactic shock, stupid is as stupid does, goose bumps, cold turkey skin, broken promises, and an uncontrollable desire to read Gallery magazine.
See your doctor if side effects linger for more than four hours.
I need to send a telegram right away. Take this down.
To Stephen Arterburn.
Dreams of Sally Field?
Stop.
Sexual immorality?
Stop.
Yours in Christ, Fred Stoeker
He’ll know what it means…
I really, really need to work the word “llamalicious” into all of my conversations now.
If you can’t fit that in, use Wop. But you must say it as if you are several thousand people.
“Spocktastic!” is a lot of fun, too.
As is “Shatner” as an invective.
I reserve “Clinton” for that.
When did “wife and kids” become “sensual images”? Is someone really getting hot and bothered over the Women’s Institute for Financial Education and a bunch of baby goats? Sounds like Cat Math Rule 34.
“Oh baby, compound that interest!I love the way you chew your cud.”
*goat bleats*
Warning: Get the brain bleach ready.
Goats were made for lovin’.
Cleetus: “What’chr problem with it? We wuz doin’ it in our own barn, not out in public.”
Nancy Sinatra, right?
“These goats are made for……, um, walkin’
and that’s just what they’ll do –
one a’ these days these goats are gonna
Ummmmm, ….pray for the salvation of your filthy, preverted, pron-addicted, Sally Fields corrupted, goat-licking, mind.”
*walks away whistling quietly – Frank Sinatra’s “I Did Them My Way” – feel free to join in on the chorus*
Actually, I got it from when my mom showed me some old Saturday Night Live with Adam Sandler on it. A Christmas thing, I believe.
There’s a comic book called Wanted (yes, the one that spawned the movie with the same name, of which maybe one scene is similar to the source material)
ANYway, there’s a character in it who is truly evil (instead of the really really evil of the other characters). His lifestyle “quirk”? He likes goats. Really likes goats.
Actual quote: “I don’t F%ck goats… I make love to them”.
urbandictionary.com defines Warch as:
warch
verb – watching a televised war.
Must be the History channel. Oh look, Hitler’s invading again.
(if you’ve ever flipped by the History channel, you know what I mean)
The military channel’s worse.
Really, the History Channel is focusing on conspiracy theories (such as 2012 and secret plots to kill Lincoln), their new America: The Story of Us (This may only apply if you’re American) series (It’s actually pretty well done), and war, most specifically WWII.
Also, they have an unhealthy number of specials dealing with Atlantian myth.
Taco! Report to the office at once! You must answer to these allegations of ballot box stuffing and other tamperings in order to achieve two Don’t Sucks in a row.
Oh, Punchity punch punch, by the way. 8)
G’Night Warching!
What is warching?
Sounds like a town in East Anglia; is actually a town near the German-Dutch border; urban dictionary says it is watching war news on tv.
I jumped on Wikipedia and read the article, but it was a lot like walking through pudding: slow going and afterward I felt kinda dirty.