YSaC, Vol 642: No, Mr. Bond, I expect a security deposit!
This one is so possibly awesome it hurts:
Cozy Studio in Volcano – Quiet, Private – $400
A Cozy studio in [location]. About 7 minutes from Volcano National Park. A private, quiet and secluded area. Utilities generally run about $50 a month. Please call and leave a message for I am usually at work. Mahalo!
This ad really doesn’t suck at all. There apparently is actually a town called Volcano to which this is referring. Let’s leave that aside, because I love the title so much I have to post it. A Cozy Studio in a VOLCANO! A VOLCANO! How awesome is that? Who WOULDN’T want to live in a Volcano?
I hope these people are my neighbors:
Just think, any time I need to run next door and borrow a cup of plutonium or find someone for a nice round of baccarat, there shouldn’t be any problem at all when I live in a FRICKIN’ VOLCANO!
God… it’s… it’s… nearly snark proof! I can’t take it anymore. My eyes! It’s too awesome!
*Tacosplode*
*quietly mops up tacosplody debris* We’re going to need another Taco!
You can build one out of the ingredients in this taco box.
Just scoop it all up and throw it in a bowl. Taco Salad, y’all!
Taco salad…
Yes, my mind went there. I blame you guys :p
That’s my nickname for….
You know what, no. I’m not going there. At all.
Christina, after you said that, my mind went there, and all I can think of is tossed Taco salad.
*puts bleach on to boil*
Edit: Taco apparently beat me there, in the sense of not mentioning it … I’ll share my bleach if you need it (whilst avoiding eye contact), Taco.
how many is that we’ve lost this week now? At least 4 I’m sure, I think he went 2 or 3 times yesterday alone after all that coffee.
At this rate we may have to re-stock the taco box.
*checks warranty*
We’re covered for up to ten replacement Tacos lost through “regular usage” but only three lost due to “extraordinary circumstances.”
*flips through pages*
“…including but not limited to suffocation by acorns, rabid wombat maulings, or excessive caffeine usage.”
you think today’s asplodin comes under “regular usage”? if so give them a call.
I would’ve thought “excessive caffiene” counted as “regular usage” in his case.
Excessive Caffeine means something else in the terms of my warranty.
And I quote: “Any attempts to replace the unit’s entire blood supply with coffee, Mountain Dew, Jolt Cola, or any form of energy drink containing caffeine or any of its equivalents will constitute excessive caffeination and count against the second subset of warranty replacements should the unit become damaged and inoperable.”
As of yet, I think there’s only been one replacement under those particular constraints.
I think “Taco asplode” counts as becoming damaged and inoperable
I think as long as he keeps it under 80% caffeine, he should be fine.
Slightly off-topic, but am I the only one tempted to add an extra “s” to “Taco asplode”?
There are days I want to add one “s” and there are days I want to add two “s”s.
-assplode
-sassplode
Hee hee, Sarajean; I mean, no, no, not at all … *whistles, looks innocent*For my first year of grad school I lived in a grad dorm where it seemed like they served tacos at least twice a week.
This was initially popular … and soon, much less so. For reasons related to your suggested change in spelling.
Heh: I always see the additional ‘s’. No wonder I feel confused and sad about these posts. Maybe I need new glasses.
I thought “confused” was a natural state of mind? It is for me. Am I missing something?
You almost inadvertantly used my favorite quote!
“Confusion is a state of mind… or is it?”
Alas- What, ho, Mercurio, you knew taco well
Hast he a box-list, and accomplish-ed it enou;
Or, hath he, so long associated in bins angling
Now joined worm and grub and tackling?
Ah, but does explain tortured tortillas scatterings
And vegetable and lettuce shreddings
Join0ed in gore most picante
Should this be assign-ed as meaty filling
E’en in most wretched and final flinging
(And with durst a care of vegan offense)
No, Mercurio, tis no time to praise
Poor esplody Taco, no more to amaze;
But shore sure time to bury him.
But only if the bin man has not been; otherwise just wait until they read the poet.*
*Poet services not available everywhere, check Borough Council for availability
I have to ask: Dan, did you write this post before Eyjafjallajökull went off?
Did you write yesterday’s post before Windrose tipped us off to that Whiteboard comic?
Because if you did both of these things, I think it’s time for you to stare at some goats. Seriously.
Dan MIGHT be moonlighting as the Doctor. Maybe like the 12th incarnation or so?
Dear god, you mean I’m coming back as an ostrimu in the future? That means I still wont be ginger *sigh*
Is that why it seems so roomy in here,ere,ere,ere?
The answer to both questions is an unqualified sorta.
I wrote the post after the volcano went off, and I wrote yesterdays after Whiterose’s post about the comic. On the other hand, the connection with the Icelandic volcano never even occurred to me when I was writing this, and I didn’t follow the link to the comic until after it was reposted yesterday.
So I’m not exactly prescient, but I appear to be writing via osmosis.
Well, we rather expect certain abilities in the Malden Town Council members; Icelandic edda being well within that perview.
Hmm, you sure this isn’t from Iceland? Cause I heard about their volcano. Their volcano is a bad volcano! Flooding and spewing and such. Tsk, tsk.
Maybe it’s a baby volcano – just needs a new diaper and some gentle rocking for the colic.
Uh, Lola,
Does ALB have your biography up as one of the books of the week?
If not, Happy NLW, anyway.
BUJ,
I saw that as well, but, thank literacy, no, it is not my biography. Even though every week in this profession is library* week, so to speak.
*Now also known as: knowledge center, media center, information center, resource center, and pretty much anything else that describes non-print media, even if you still manage to have some …
Bleh, don’t talk about that stupid volcano. That’s what kept me away from here all of yesterday.
Not that I don’t feel for my elebeny brazillion stranded passengers, but dammit I missed a good YSaC day!
*priorities, I have them.
You know who else might wind up as your neighbor?
Devil, on a cloven old lone volcano, lived.
(That’s not mine. I think it’s Craig Hansen‘s.)
Can I buy that on craighansenslist?
Do you expect me to rent?
No Mr. Bond, I expect you to buy!
Does it come furnished with plans for world domination, doomsday devices, rocket-powered cars, and the standard compliment of evil minions both living and undead? If it has all that, $400 is a bargain!
Hey, as long as it’s up to code I wouldn’t need all that stuff.
Of course safety code for a volcano lair probably requires at least 3 separate escape pods loaded into orbital rockets. Those can’t be cheap to have checked every year.
Maybe, as is often the case on CL, “Bargain = Unpleasant Catch.” I wonder what it could be …
My guess? Nothing is quite so useless as an evil lair that’s listed in the phone book.
Or has a big sign with flashing neon lights. (I kinda want one of those. I would put it over the bathroom door.)
It could also be possible that they can’t get that last hero out of the carpet. Melting Bond leaves a really nasty stain, not to mention the smell.
“The Last Action Hero” … left a mess.
IDK, this seems like the perfect starter for someone who wants to become a world domination addict.
*giggle
I read that as “world dominatrix addict” the first time I read it.
Now that sounds rather expensive, Sarajean … unlike this fantastic rental deal, of course.
If you don’t already have plans for world domination, then maybe you shouldn’t consider a volcano base? There are lots of hidden costs there.
Maybe an abandoned warehouse or a defunct subway station would be more your speed, for the time being. We also have a nice range of post-Soviet office-tower blocks for the budget-conscious evil conspiracy hoping to start frugally.
I think I prefer my minions undead, they need far less feeding and such. Although they do stumble more I suppose
You could have more of them, though. Zombies require very little upkeep, just the occasional dusting with insecticide and meal of still-living flesh. Just send wave after wave after your enemies, until they are buried under stinking heaps of animated corpses. People will be dying to work for you!
Wow, mental image of some overly-elaborate, only-narrowly-utile Evil Villain Devise to launch Braiiiiiins! onto the enemies of said Villains . . .
Just hose the enemy down with brains and stand back!
Of course, no evil lair is complete without a large, red, conspicuously-labelled self destruct button…
Now, if I could just somehow transplant my dream home (an abandoned missile silo) to this volcano I would finally achieve my goal of shutting out the world…save for the occasional annoying knock on my door from Mini-Me sent to borrow yet another cup of unobtainium for Dr. Evil’s plan-to-take-over-the-world du jour.
You apparently don’t have the type of Jehovah’s Witnesses that visit my neighborhood. A volcano lair wouldn’t even phase those guys. They’re like the supermen of door to door evangelism.
Where I grew up, it was Mormons. Polite, almost excessively-groomed, and persistent. They might survive nuclear holocaust … or is that Scientologists?
I have a sure fire, stop-them-in-their-tracks, method of dealing with the door-to-door deity of the week club.
I just tell them I’m an ordained minister in the Church of the SubGenius, and ask them why they don’t believe in Bob!
Gets ’em every time.
I exchange FSM pamphlets when they hand me theirs. Usually makes them so upset they can’t continue.
Scientologists started in a volcano. Tom Cruise is made entirely of magma.
I once accidentally answered the door for some guy with Domino’s coupons while my then-boyfriend was in the living room, completely naked (I was fully clothed). I scared the poor kid…think that would work for the Mormons/Jehovah’s Witnesses too?
Alternately wearing a robe and using the phrase, “Can you make this quick, she charges by the hour,” tends to evoke the flight response.
I really wish that wasn’t based on a true story, but at least it wasn’t me who said it.
Actual (and only conversation) I had with Jehovah’s Witnesses
Me: I already believe in God.
Them: But you don’t believe in the RIGHT god.
Me: *slams the door shut*
A friend of ours found a rather effective way of scaring away Jehovah’s Witnesses quite by accident. Note he has full length tattoos down both arms, is the sweetest guy you could ever meet, but has a very wicked sense of humour.
Anyway, one Sunday he was cutting up a large piece of meat in preparation for a BBQ later that day when the knock at the door came.
He opened the door, wearing a sleeveless vest, with blood on his hands and still holding a rather large kitchen knife. On seeing who was there he simply said “Sorry, I’m a bit busy now, could you come back later when I’m done sacrificing the virgin?”
He’s never been bothered since apparently.
I have a friend who worked at the rectory of our catholic church in high school. As such, he had access to an unlimited supply of cheap plastic rosaries. He kept them by the front door to hand out to any missionaries who showed up. They didn’t hang around long once he started telling them about the joys of catholicism.
My dad was working under his car in the driveway of our old house when a couple of
WitlessesWitnesses pulled up. As he was half under the car at the time, he paid very little attention to what they were saying, until they started suggesting that they should go inside and sit down to “discuss” things further. (I guess talking to his feet was a bit distracting.) He rolls out from under the car and looks up at them. “I’m busy right now. The only reason I would go inside is to get the shotgun I keep in the hall closet for intruders.” (My father is a large man with a full, bushy beard who resembles a slightly less civilized Grizzly Adams.) He rolls back under the car and they leave in a bit of a hurry. Never had trouble with them after that.Suggesting a literature exchange and then offering the Fortean Times is kind of fun. Mmm, anomalous phenomena! http://www.forteantimes.com/ I always wish I could see their faces when they really look at what they have …
Although, they usually show up when I’m in my bathrobe and burning something on the stove, so I have a good excuse to shut the door on them. In the Bronx, they don’t try to stick around; they’re just happy you didn’t spit on them.
I used to have Witlesses come by often, until I invited them in and proceeded to give them a 2 hour lecture on evolution (my Ph. D. is in evolution). I really got on a roll. They left dazed, confused, and disturbed. I think I was crossed of the list of folks to harass.
They used to come to our neighbuorhood on sunny days, in summer, when my Dad was gardening – it was like they had a sense. Dad used to invite them in, ask if they wanted a cuppa, then disappear out the back and keep gardening. Apparently they were always gone when he came back an hour or so later.
(ETA: Huzzah! Thanks for the tips guys, cache-clearing seems to have worked!)
DTTAH, don’t suppose you have your notes and power point slides of that presentation. I have some inlaws who really need a well constructed presentation on that subject :).
Living out in BFE has its perks. No solicitors of any sort really, but I had to sacrifice high speed internet for that luxury.
Jackie, your friend writes fiction, then? (I can say that since I was raised Catholic. It was the only stable thing in my childhood, and I am truly grateful that the clergy at my parish were extremely open-minded. They taught me that the Jewish community in New York donated more items to the nuns in the summer than any other group, and that a person of any belief who steadfastly follows the path of that belief will go to heaven. Very lucky to have landed there.)
This would be perfect for my girlfriend Edna and me… all I really need is a lavatory, and a room to Mt. Edna.
Niiiiice reference.
$50 a month for utilities? What utilities would you need in a volcano???
The A/C alone would be more than that, and I imagine the asbestos lining would have to be reinforced regularly. (Would that count as utilities or be covered by the homeowners’ association dues?)
At least you would save on heating costs.
But you would have to get the carpets cleaned more often to get rid of the sulphurous smell.
Electricity for Air Conditioning at a minimum…….
Edit: Good one SJ – I knew I should have refreshed before posting
OH! I lava your house, can I ash you a few questions about it? I pumice not to get alarmed by your responses…
How magmanimous of you.
Are you really interested or are you just venting?
We know Hamcan’s only pretending to be interested. He ‘fessed us about that this morning.
I never fake being in lava.
I’ve been to Volcano, Hawaii on my way to see the volcano dumping lava into the ocean. It’s a smallish town, but the scenery is very beautiful.
400$ seems dirt cheap anywhere in Hawaii, doesn’t it?
Not for most of the dumps you can rent. Seriously, tarps are approved building materials.
I just wanted to say, having lived in Volcano, there IS an actual live volcano (Kilauea) a few miles from town, so your jokes are somewhat accurate. 🙂
Best.Corey.Ever!
Way to post this on 4/20, dan.
Rent in a volcano, and you’re bound to smoke a bit.
Live there for long, and you’ll be totally baked.
Dude.
You said “baked”….. that was splodey-awesome.
*Mazel-tov*
Stoners are very creative. One could probably make a pipe out of lava rock if one were so inclined, and save oneself that harsh, burning aluminum can flavor from the other readily available material. So I’ve heard.
Even minions need to pay rent these days, sheesh! Guess that’s how a madman funds his world-domination plans…evil Genius indeed! As long as he doesn’t have to hound Igor for his share at the first of every month.
“IGOR, I need the rent NOW! I’ve been waiting to buy this particle disruptor for three months, because you keep asking me to spot you!”
So today my daughter turns 3 (yes, 4/20), and yesterday I had this convo in chat:
My husband: Guess who else was born on 4/20?
Me: ???
Hubby: Hitler!
Me: Ew!
And then I come here and there are not only evil villian jokes but 4/20 jokes. She’s never going to forgive me for scheduling a c-section on Stoner Hitler’s birthday. I can feel the therapy bills heading my way already.
Wait till she finds out the real significance of 4/20.
Think Woody Harrelson, Willie Nelson, and that Marley guy…
…yeah…now you’ve got it….
Too bad for her she got a mom that knows the smell & that it makes me wanna urp. I’m so gonna know!
And, Windrose, that is BRILLIANT!
KYouell, maybe you will luck out and she will become the therapist she needs!
You know, there is one thing this cozy studio needs. And that is to have sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads!
It took me a little while, thinking about volcanoes and the Pacific Rim, but now I’ve got Johnny Cash singing in my head.
I … fell … in to a burnin’ ring of fire…
I went down, down, down, and the flames went higher.
And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire…
The ring of fire.
Not a bad earworm to have, really, as these things go.
I think that’s one of the best we’ve had lately Isaac
Get thee some antibiotics or prep H already!
So, you guys, I don’t have a TV these days, and I am not really plugged in to the contemporary moment. Can anyone explain the guy who appears so distracted and nonplussed in the Hyundai ads that are occasionally appearing in the picture-ad box these days? Who is that guy? Is he supposed to look like Ray Romano? Why does he have a cane with a handle that looks like lips? How is his bored and homely face supposed to get me excited about the i10?
I must be reall out of touch, because I don’t know who the heck Isaac is talking about.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go wave my cane at those damn kids on my lawn.
No idea, but now I’m afraid to watch television
that makes 2 of us
That is a pretty funky looking dude. Just from the sheer out-of-placeness, my brain thought it was a photobomb… but that would have had to be a pathetic QA department to miss a blurry guy with a lip-cane taking up a quarter of their ad…
I still haven’t seen this horror, not on either computer at work or this one at home. I have to say I’m intrigued, but after the claymation “clean behind” ad horror yesterday, I will probably wish I hadn’t, if I do.
Yeah, that sentence there probably doesn’t make a ton of sense, but I’m too tired to know how to fix it properly.
This is the evilest of all CL ads.
Look at the wording and the benign way it tempts you to stop and contemplate the excellent spelling and coherent sentence structures.
But, I can see that wickedness hidden subtly in the chosen words.
$400 rent/$50 utilities — the lure, the hook, the tempter to tease out a new victim.
Cozy studio — an 8 X 6 room made by walling off part of the attic and thickly insulated with steel and foam (no basements near a volcano, you know)
Private, secluded area — the reason the police have never been around. They don’t even realize there is a building back this far.
7 minutes… National Park — the dumping and burial ground of all victims. That is a warning as to how quickly the evidence can be gotten rid of… 7 MINUTES!
leave a message — so he has time to run a trace and background check on your name and phone number.
usually at work — ah, but he usually works at home now, doesn’t he?
Mahalo — pretending to be polite, but said with that sneer in the voice that you know means ‘Aloha’– forever.
Pure evil genius, I tell you.
I should be a spy.
Eyjafjallajökull.
Just had to say it agin’
I’ll take a “Cozy Studio in Volcano” over a “Fixer-upper On Uranus” any day of the week.
I can guarantee you that I care nothing about the status of any structure on Uranus.
Bianchi, the “Fixer Upper on Uranus” listing is probably in the “Personals” section.
Under “Casual Encounters.”
Or, just possibly, “Missed Connections.”
“Casual Encounters of the Third Kind.”
“I hope Uranus sees this”
There once was a landlord named Poole.
To rent a volcano so cool.
He posted with glee.
And then thought, oh gee.
I still have that one dollar tool.
And then there’s this genius of evil.
Who thought himself quite the Knievel.
Seeking a lava lair.
At Craigslist he did stare.
Aha, here’s one. Does it have TIVO?
Emma Poole makes me
Reflect on-line with great squee
High kick slick boot glee
Icelandic volcano=9th grade science experiment gone horribly wrong.
Hell to pay at Fjölbrautaskólinn vio Ármúla secondary school today.
*delurk*
*lurk*
Come back, HHNF! We miss you!
OK, I do. I hope others do, too.
I miss her, too.
And Ed. Where’s Ed Snyder these days?
According to FB, Ed has A New Puppy. That may be part of what’s keeping him away.
In…
Soviet…
nah, can’t do it…
The way you capitalised that makes me suspicious, Lola. Or am I just conditioned to see innuendo everywhere on this site?
On which topic: HHNF – doooooooooooon’t gooooooooooooooo!!! You have the best stories!!
No innuendo intended, Jen, just The Importance! I’d be off the net if I had Irresistable New Furry Cuteness at my house!
No don’t leave!
HHNF, I miss you, and so does the volcano!
Well, I waited all day to see if anyone else would post this. But I can’t resist. Viola!
http://lovelylisting.com/2009/10/08/villainous-starter-home/
I was just looking to see if anyone else had posted that. First thing I thought of! (Yes, I know, I’m late looking at YSaC today….)
That, by the way, might just be my dream home. 🙂
Ok, shades of old-fashioned English instruction, but my poor noggin of mush cannot but consider the implied Public, Noisy, Uncomfortable studio in or near Volcano.
But, happily, WMP has rescued me with Buffett, so I know where I’m’a goin’ t’go when de volcano blow! [conga off to couch]
Super!, and since it is on an island maybe we can go diving with my friend Jeff.
+ elebenty points for the Jimmy (not Warren) reference.
Silva! Paging Silva Noir! Come get punched! You know you want it. 8)