YSaC, Vol 569: I want to be that girl in the mirror, THERE!
Some time back, we had a post from a serious actress, who just needed a little bit of help. It’s short, so I’m reposting the ad in its entirety. You can click on the title to take you back to the original snark and associated commenting.
Actress Seeking Agent And Exposure
I have Experience In Movies, Theater And print Work. All I Need IS: Legitimate Agent Who I Can Make Believe I’m A Talented actress.
I Also Have A Resume AM Still Building UP.
I am 5”2, 130 With A Curves, Off Cause Curves Is IN, Urban Completion,
Please No Responds From Adult Film Producers.
Well, it’s been a little while, but we haven’t forgotten you!
Hi GIRL do you have any interest in Modeling or Acting ? (*(*( [location] ___)
Hi GIRL do you have any interest in Modeling or Acting ?
I am a professional Talent Scout
If i like your profile you are going to the STARS.
Help me and yourself make a few MILLION DOLLARS LOL
If you don’t think you look good enough THINK AGAIN
Look at all the UGLY KNOWN ACTORS OUT THERE. LOL
It takes MARKETING AND WILLINGNESS to succeed Looks are a plus but not everything. TRUST ME
Modeling Agencies will charge you an ARM and a LEG for shooting your pics then after you paid them, they will file you away LOL
I am your ONLY CHANCE TO SUCCESS if you are serious LOL
Normally, we just comment out phone numbers, but I am going to substitute in a fake telephone number in this case, using the exact style in the original ad:
Five five five 555 five 5 five five
These two are clearly a match made in HEAVEN!
All we have to do is show the AGENT her original PROFILE and she is GOING TO THE STARS.
TRUST ME
Thanks for the link, Stephanie!
I’m so disappointed that you don’t have the original number in. Clearly anyone who is “serious LOL” will definitely take that original poster (and anyone else credulous enough to answer) to “the STARS.” … Though I suspect the closest they would get would be when he gave them one of those Hollywood maps that shows where famous people live.
PS: Title: West Side Story reference? “I Feel Pretty”?
“What mirror where?”
This puts me in mind of one of my favorite Muppet bits. That’s the Sesame Street version behind the link, and fairly lo-fi, but dig it (especially the delivery of that particular line).
Muppet Bits would be a good name for a band.
That reminds me of a joke about a woman working the assembly line for Tickle-Me Elmo, the punchline of which is, “No! I said to give him two test tickles! Two TEST TICKLES!”
Tickle Me Elmo interests me because he looks like he is convulsing. Maybe they got the color wrong and gave him blue balls.
In high school we referred to him as “Epileptic Elmo”. A very disturbing toy.
Thank you for that link Isaac, that made my morning!
“Grand Hotel” reference – “I Want To Go to Hollywood.”
Dang, I feel like such a troglodyte.
Naah… it’s an obscure show, and not all that great. I’ve just played it. I even got to use my accordion.
I’m pretty sure there’s a role for her in a film in progress posted here earlier this year! This agent is just what she needs to land the part of Girl/32/blonde hair AND OR brown hair. He’s her ONLY CHANCE TO SUCCEED! LOL
Hi GIRL do you have any interest in Modeling or Acting ?
(if you can walk in high heels and/or fake interest in a guy to get a free drink, that qualifies)
I am a professional Talent Scout
(I had some business cards printed up for free at Vista Print)
If i like your profile you are going to the STARS.
(STARS is strip joint down the road from me)
Help me and yourself make a few MILLION DOLLARS LOL
(Monopoly dollars)
If you don’t think you look good enough THINK AGAIN
(my BIL is a plastic surgeon. Just because he lost his license doesn’t mean he isn’t any good)
Look at all the UGLY KNOWN ACTORS OUT THERE. LOL
(I run into them all the time in the unemployment line)
It takes MARKETING AND WILLINGNESS to succeed Looks are a plus but not everything. TRUST ME
(I know how to post ads on CL and was a Boy Scout until I was asked to leave (it wasn’t my fault))
Modeling Agencies will charge you an ARM and a LEG for shooting your pics then after you paid them, they will file you away LOL
(I’ll only use your arm and leg and a few other body parts for a couple of hours and then put you on my bootie call list)
I am your ONLY CHANCE TO SUCCESS if you are serious LOL
(serious about a STD)
I have Experience In Movies, Theater And print Work.
(My boyfriend taped us having sex, I was in Theater club in High School, and I can print things off of a computer)
All I Need IS: Legitimate Agent Who I Can Make Believe I’m A Talented actress.
(I need someone to take my money and tell me I am awesome.)
I Also Have A Resume AM Still Building UP.
(I don’t know what a resume is but I think it has something to do with Jenga)
I am 5”2, 130 With A Curves, Off Cause Curves Is IN, Urban Completion,
(I am an Oompa Loompa)
Please No Responds From Adult Film Producers.
(English is almost my second language and I don’t know what my first is. I will do anything you want as long as you tell me you are legitimate.)
Oompa Loompa? ROFL
Okay, more seriously, the original Oompa Loompa in Gene Wilder’s version or the one man show in Johnny Depp’s?
But I’ll admit, it’s always the orange skinned green haired version in my mind when I hear Oompa Loompa…
Oompa Loompa Dippity Do…
Original. it had a certin whimsical vindictiveness, and the new one has all the snark and evil that i like, but it is just a little too Tim Burton for me. Looking at it now, the original is creepy, depressing and strange, but Gene Wilder’s pied piper of Hamlin attitude makes it okay. Johnny Depp had none of the Captain Jack charm and all of the ‘Professor Snape’s brother that took one too many Weasley Potions’ thing going on. Also, the Oompa Loompas in all their grouchy Indian creepiness were just too….disturbing.
The squirrel scene redeems the movie for me and Taco at least.
I found the creepiest thing about the remake the Mary Tyler Moore chin-length bob that JD sported. I kept having serious pop-culture clashing, mentally.
Wow. This is serious LOL. I hope the girl see this.
LOL!
LOL.
roflmao
roflcopter roflmao wtfBBQ
omgwtfkfcbbq
Mmm … bbq chicken …
I feel a trip to Fatz coming on!
That’s strange, I dreamed about bbq chicken last night.
off-topic: I can no longer vote on comments! Is it just chrome being weird or is something up with the voting/scoring function?
Were I to be able to vote, I’d give penguin my +1.
SERIOUS LOL.
I vote for Chrome being weird.
All I saw was, “I can make believe I am a talented actress.”
And I can make believe I’m a platypus.
Thats a much sought after ability in a TigerShark. I think I know somebody who can make you a star…Kindergartners, they can make all kinds of stars out of construction paper.
I make believe I am a fashion model every day! Twiggy, in fact. LOL
That works. TRUST ME I make believe I am Catherine Deneuve every day LOL, or at least whenever I post here!
You are quie convincing at it too, Lola. To the point where when I see a picture or footage of Deneuve my brain goes, “Oh look, it’s Lola.”
I think you should change your handle to LOLa. (or am I being captain obvious here?)
Windrose, sorry, but NO. 🙂 I rather don’t like to say or read LOL, so unlikely.
Christina, if I am that convincing, I expect her lawyers will be in contact any day now … 😉
Ha, that’s pretty funny, because I just typed “LOL” on your Facebook page. I ONLY do it in a snarky manner, though!
*rubs at the monitor, trying to erase previous LOL comment*
It’s OK Windrose, you weren’t to know, so I don’t mind. 🙂
(to many to list) LOL
I’m buried under almost 2 feet of snow LOL
Luckily I’m comfy on my french preventional couch.
My Bea Arthur cutout is keeping me company.
+100000
I am also buried in snow but the only company is my cat who keeps leaving the room when I laugh.
Heather, is “Bea Arthur cutout” the baby’s nickname? 8)
Nickname? Have a look at the birth certificate.
It’s “I have named the boy Caleb, in accordance with your wishes,” all over again.
A Bea Arthur cutout is a little lever you turn that makes all the voices coming from your television sound like “Maude.”
It wouldn’t be any stranger to nickname your baby Bea Arthur than Creepy and Little Stalker. Taco Magic has become a standard of normalcy. 0_0
Well, since it’s a male child, his full name is “Bea Arthur Conan Doyle.” Amazingly, he was born with a full head of silvery hair and wielding a sword. He performed his own c-section, which saved us thousands in doctor bills.
Heather, I’ve always been tentative about having children, but clearly there’s something my friends aren’t telling me, and that they are even more awesome than they claim. I’m now going to scour CL personals for a babydaddy so that I can have “Mary Tyler Moore Chandler Hammett.” Excellent!!1!
“Bea Arthur Conan Doyle” is an awesome portmanteau name. Some other possibilities, in case you have another kid:
Raul Julia Roberts
Ron Paul Simon Armitage
William Christopher Lloyd George Michael Jackson Pollock
I can’t help but wonder if the second one is really a secret message spelled out by the seemingly random words in caps. This is how I read the secret message:
GIRL
I can show you STARS with a telescope.
You will never have a MILLION DOLLARS LOL
If you think you are pretty THINK AGAIN
the are no UGLY KNOWN ACTORS OUT THERE. LOL
Lets see your MARKETING AND WILLINGNESS in the bedroom. TRUST ME the video camera is off
If you cut off an ARM and a LEG you might be able to get a job in amputee porn. LOL
Prostitution is your ONLY CHANCE TO SUCCESS LOL
Bleak, but not entirely unlikely …
Yea, I am wondering what this says about my state of mind today.
Me, too. I was thinking, ‘Yay, yet another guy who thinks a girl is dumb, unattractive and shallow, and wants to use and exploit her.’
Off cause I wouldn’t know. /rant
Yea, don’t get me started.
I think I will end all my sentences with LOL or TRUST ME when I write. Such as:
The patient complained of chest pains and shortness of breath LOL.
The patient was delusional TRUST ME.
This could work….LOL
I like it for your profession, lets see about Lola and me.
A patron filed a complaint about “And Tango Makes Three” again LOL
We had to call the police about that creepy guy exposing himself to people in the stacks again TRUST ME
Excuse me for a moment where I am fervently grateful that I don’t work in a public library. TRUST ME
I have a friend who used to work in the state library and said they had a patron who would go into the stacks (the ones open to the public) and wank. The kept finding the … results but weren’t sure that was really what it was until one of the staff had the unfortunate experience of seeing the guy do it. Mmm, biohazard! Mmm, things you can’t unsee!
ewwww….just ewwww
This is how I will write my thesis. TRUST ME.
I’m going to write the next Great American Novel LOL. Even though I’m not American TRUST ME. Hey look this actually works pretty well LOL.
You’re probably going to die TRUST ME. 55 years of lard cooking is finally catching up with your heart LOL. When I say acute myocardial infarction it makes me feel smarter than I really am TRUST ME
Your essay should have a thesis statement LOL.
It’s means it is LOL; its means belonging to it TRUST ME.
Keats was not thinking about Adam Sandler in this line TRUST ME.
(& lots more, to many to list TRUST ME.)
As stated in my opening sentance this thesis will not cover anything at all about how Keats clearly references Adam Sandler LOL.
This is only a first draft TRUST ME.
My usage of “it’s” is perfect according to Wikipedia LOL.
Client in office to apply for Food Stamps, LOL. Thinks we believe she doesn’t purchase and prepare with her boyfriend, but we know if they sleep together, they eat together, TRUST ME.
TRUST ME I’m (Not.A.Lyin’) LOL
Woohoo!
One a dese days, Alice, bam-zoom, you’re goin’ to da stars! (If I like your profile, dat is)
In Soviet Wonderland, stars go to Alice.
In chains?
5 stars for my favorite local band!
With all of the LOLing this guy is doing about the MILLION DOLLARS and the CHANCE AT SUCCESS, I wonder if he might be trying to pull something here. LOL.
Kathleen, do you really think so? I thought one could always trust Craigslist ads for honesty and integrity!
I know I do.
Well, he *did* say “trust me.”
By “talent scout” I assume he means that he “scouted” talent at Miss Cornfield pagents from under the bleachers because of the restraining order.
The view under the bleachers also afforded him a chance to simultaneously scout for a different sort of talent, which is why he prefers that location.
I will never sit on bleachers again, even in jeans.
😀 My work here is done.*
*Sorry, Lara. Kidding. As you were, then.
Okay, after really taking another gander at the gal’s ad:
Urban Completion?
Is this another way of saying having an G.E.D or is she meaning Urban Complexion to say she has pale skin?
Or is this the name of the band that her drummer boyfriend’s in that the lead singer is hiring a hit for?
So many questions, so little time…and yeah, I think Urban Completion would be a sorry band name…
It would make a great brand name for clothing, though.
off topic: my work computer now appears to hate YSaC. Either that, or the massive amount of comments from the huge comment days overwhelmed it, and now it’s scared to load the site. I’m trying to coax it back into a trust circle with me and YSaC. But I miss you guys!!!!!
Poor Meredith. Maybe you can enlist it in some sort of 12 step program.
Have you tried the cache-, site- and password-clearing functions in the browser’s security or whatever options? Mine at work was acting iffy that way (also with FB) and it helped. You’ll have to retype some saved things, but that won’t matter if you can access YSAC, right? 😉
Somebody needs to check on the police force in [location]. They seem to be asleep on the job, what with the rampant stealing, drugs, prostitution, and just plain ignorance that seems to happen in [location] all the time.
Do you think the professional Talent Scout does theatre visits? Obviously he travels all over the world in his private jet (or Concorde).
Me and my chums are going to be acting next week (LOL at us Brits attempting American accents – reverse of Dick Van Dyke in Mary Powpins) so he can come and see lots of us (and a bunch more). We’d all love to be STARS and earn MILLIONs of DOLLARS.
* to all YSaCers – COL at production – its The Laramie Project.*
[/snark]
That’s an excellent script. I hope you all do well!
[resume snark mode]