YSaC, Vol. 530: Cogito ergo ottoman.
2009 December 29
Ottoman/Dresser – $29
Moving and need to get rid of Ottoman. The top part has three adjustable shelves and the bottom consists of two drawers. Can also use top part to place TV in. It is 5 feet 2 inches tall, 2 feet 9 inches wide and 1 foot 9 inches deep. I also have another one that has a leg missing. If you buy the good one you can have the broken one for free, if you want it.
We’ve had ottoman fails here before, and we’ve had armoire fails. Someone has inexplicably managed to combine the two fails into something even greater than the sum of its parts. What we have here is an ontological ottoman.*
Thanks, Abby!
*That would be a great name for a band!
“Moving and need to get rid of Ottoman.”
Actually, I’m pretty sure it collapsed a few centuries ago.
” If you buy the good one you can have the broken one for free, if you want it.”
If you buy this product, we’ll toss in a defective one AT NO EXTRA COST! We’re CRAZY and so is the savings!
“We’re selling this beautiful house, and for free we’ll toss in this toxic waste dump right next door!”
“If you buy this new Porsche Boxster, we’ll throw in this 1973 Ford Pinto, only a little bit burnt!”
“If you purchase this lovingly-hand-carved, grass-fed side of Limousin beef, we’ll throw in this unidentifiable, flyblown, roadkill carcass for nuthin’!”
Really, the possibilities are endless.
But wait there’s more! If you order in the next 30 minutes we’ll double your purchase! That’s right, you’ll get 2 Ottomans and 2 broken heaps of wood for the price of 1!
But wait THERE’S MORE!
We’ll toss in this pile of clean fill. A $0 value absolutley free! Yes we’ve scoured the best demolition sites for broken up concrete that normally costs thousands of dollars to haul away and dispose of, but we’re giving it to you for no cost at all!
But wait THERE’s MORE!
For the first 100 callers we’ll throw in a complete matching set of curb mattresses! Yes, you hear right entire mattresses! These mattresses were found on the curb during the community college move out in town and are almost infestation free. A $0.38 value, absolutely free!
Now how much would you pay for all this? A retail store would charge almost $48,000 for all this. But today we’re not going to charge you $1,000, not $500, not even $100, heck not even $20! Just 4 easy payments of $7.25 Call now for the bargain of the century!
“almost infestation free” is the new album by Ontological Ottoman.
Limousin reference FTW. My farming heart loves that, even though I work on a registered Shorthorn ranch.
I say we shoot the one with the leg missing and put it out of its misery.
surely you mean BURN IT! BURN IT WITH FIRE!!
Dev: only if it was a RED TABLE RED TABLE RED TABLE FOR FREE!!!
Burning it is still an option after shooting it. I’m absolutely not offended by overkill.
Seriously. Not an ottoman.
… Points for not misspelling “armoire”?
+1 for not misspelling “armoire”
+1 for correctly spelling “ottoman”
-1 for twice capitalizing “ottoman” thus turning it into a fallen Turkish empire
-1,000 for not realizing it’s an armoire
Score: -999
+1 for counting the number of drawers correctly.
Score: -998
+1 for giving exact measurements.
+1 for spelling adjustable correctly.
-1 for not asking for a rounded dollar amount.
-1 for fuzzy pictures… although at least they are not in the front yard.
I guess that puts the score back to where it was before I commented. SO why did I bother?
Score: -998
-1 from the Russian judge.
Score: -999
+1 for 4 out of 6 sentences being complete, grammatical sentences, and the other 2 are only lacking the initial pronoun, which is common ad-speak.
Score: -998
it’s certainly the tallest example of an ottoman I’ve ever seen, or it would be, if it actually were an ottoman.
The Cleveland Cavaliers announced Tuesday that All-Star center Shaquille O’Neal will be lost for the team’s playoff run.
“An obvious case of ottoman misrepresentation,” said a team spokesman. “After a long search for an ottoman appropriate to his size, Shaq purchased one on Craigslist, and, unfortunately, had to install his 52-inch flat screen in it sideways. After a Sunday morning watching five straight episodes of “Bridezilla” through his legs, with his head cocked, he has developed severe neck spasms and possible gluteal damage.”
The Cavs discounted rumors that it was the same CL poster who put LeBron James out for the season by selling him a demonic coffee table which gave the superstar debilitating nightmares, eventually turning him into a trembling scaredy-cat.
Um..that would be more like:
“Cogito ergo Ottoman sum!”
I think I am an Ottoman, therefore I am an Ottoman. Unfortunately, the ancient Romans had no photos to go with their statements which could prove they were delusional on many occasions.
Unless of course they meant that this armoire is indeed a Turkey.
we definitely need a new tag. Perhaps a No.It’s.Not tag would work for all the lions and stuff like this?
Or “Seriously. Not a/an…”
I’d love to see the enormous chair that goes with this ottoman. Perhaps it is this one.
I find much humor in the fact that there is a bench under that chair.
I know, it tickled me, too. I guess that’s there in case you get tired and need to sit for a bit but forgot to bring a 15 foot ladder along.
“Fee-fi-fo-fum! I smell the blood of an Ottoman!”
I have to say, so far as Craigslist suckiness goes, this one’s not too bad. Like the posters above mentioned, the number of drawers and shelves is correct. There are no random punctuation marks or nonsensical strings of words. I can’t even blame them for getting the “Ottoman” thing wrong – you stare at enough bad Craiglist postings for long enough, you tend to forget what’s right. I needed to read the comments before I even figured out what was wrong with the post. You may shame me now.
Heck, I don’t even know what the correct form of “French Prevential” is supposed to be. I guess the good news is, if I don’t know what it is, I can’t sell it, and can’t get it wrong, right?
Otto-Man, Otto-Man, does whatever an otto can!
When he invades a country does he get an empire, or does the empire get him instead…
If he’s invading Soviet Russia, then of course the empire gets him.
Sploder-man, Otto-man
Neither looks like
What it really am.
Sploder’s fat, with a tear
Otto’s an armoire, I declare
Look out! Here comes Sploder-Otto Man!
OK, it’s late.
The imagery is brilliant. It’s made even better by the fact that Dr. Otto “Octopus” Gunther Octavius was a Spider-Man villain.
wow – its taller than me!
do you have the broken off leg — so i can beat you with it?
but srsly, i hate it when i cant think of the right word….
Maybe this person is trying to create a new furniture vintage. “…and moving on from the French Pervential sitting room, we arrive at the Ottoman library with the finest collection of furniture in the Ottoman style. Moving further down the hall we see the guest bedroom with the Intestinal Revolution motif….”
Wikipedia on what an ottoman has to do with Ottomans: “…the ottoman’s typical use in a reclining position was associated in Europe with the Orient, in line with fashionable Turkish style.” Very disjointed logic there, but at least it’s easy to sp… uh… never mind.
“Moving and need to get rid of [enter name here]…I think Ottoman is simply the armoire’s name.
Say, isn’t that Automan, the Transformer?
Follow in your books as we learn three new words in Turkish….
Okay, as long as we don’t have to conjugate any verbs.